A/N: This is mid-Eclipse through the end of Breaking Dawn from Edward's perspective. Thanks for reading!
These characters are not mine and all belong to Stephenie Meyer.
I appreciate all the kind reviews! Thank you :)
First Light (Eclipse)
I remembered the first night in the clearing with the wolves. I remembered thinking that was a long night. But that had been nothing.
I'd thought for a moment last night that maybe I could see 'Jacob.' 'Jacob' as Bella knew him. The boy. Someone worthy of calling himself her best friend. The mind I'd glimpsed at her prom.
But he was Jacob Black. A man. A filthy, reeking dog.
He would never be worthy of her. He would never be her Jacob. Even if I had to kill him to make certain that was true.
I wanted him to suffer. I wanted to watch her disown him. To tell him he was an inhuman, vulgar beast that would never be worthy of even the dirt she walked on.
I felt like I was fraying at the edges.
Jacob, my Jacob. My Jacob, she'd called again and again into the night. Her call still rang in my ears, looping, though she'd quieted hours ago.
If only I'd known what festered in her guarded thoughts, this sense of possession... It was in her this whole time. Every time she kissed me. Every time she touched me. When she accepted my ring.
Did she know? Or was her conscious mind in the dark, just as the dog argued?
I knew now that she claimed him. That she loved him.
Was that knowledge better than living in the dark?
It was acid in my wounds.
But yes, it was better. This had gone on long enough. It was time to end it.
He knew her and her world too intimately. That was evident from his little sex dream. How he'd stored in his mind the tick of the clock above the stove, the exact pattern of her quilt, the exact set of her lips when she was apprehensive or brave or exhilarated.
Her bedroom, my sanctuary, desecrated.
Raw. I felt absolutely raw.
I watched the color of the tent wall change at first light. The red nylon grew more and more vivid as the sun inched higher in the sky.
It was a couple hours later that Bella began to stir. She was pinned against the snoring dog's chest. She pulled her head away from him and I saw her face for the first time since the whole ordeal began. Her left cheek was flushed red and moist with perspiration. His or hers, I wasn't sure.
As she struggled, the dog squeezed her tighter.
She was able to turn just enough in his arms to meet my eyes.
Her chocolate eyes widened. Several emotions flitted across her face. Surprise, pity, guilt.
"Is it any warmer out there?" She whispered.
"Yes," I said, my steady voice at odds with my internal state. "I don't think the space heater will be necessary today."
She pushed against his hold again, but he only held her tighter, muttering in his sleep. He didn't dream about her at the moment. A true rarity.
"Some help?" She asked quietly.
I smiled. "Did you want me to take his arms all the way off?"
She scowled. "No, thank you. Just get me free. I'm going to get heat stroke."
I unzipped the sleeping bag in a swift, abrupt movement. The dog fell out onto the cold floor.
"Hey!" He exclaimed, waking immediately.
He cringed away from the cold and suddenly he was on top of Bella.
Rage shot through me like an electric shock.
Without thinking, I grabbed him by the forearm and ripped him off of her, launching him into the base of one of the tent poles. I crouched in front of her protectively, snarling in animalistic rage. The dog scrambled into a crouch not three feet from me. He glared into my eyes as his form rippled with shudders and growls. His thoughts were more animal than human.
Outside the tent Seth growled aggressively, but his thoughts didn't sound as confident. You guys are gonna hurt her. He needs to calm down. You need to let him calm down.
The voices in Seth's head were growing loud, demanding to know what was happening.
"Stop it, stop it!" Bella yelled.
She crawled between the dog and I, placing one hand on his naked chest and the other on mine. I wrapped my hand around her waist, ready to yank her out of the way.
"Stop it, now," she ordered me, her voice severe.
She turned to Jacob. He was calming under her touch though his eyes still bore into mine and his teeth were bared. Bella, don't hurt Bella. Calm down. He's not worth it.
I needed him to calm down so she was safe, but I hated that it was under her hand. As if she had tamed him. Her Jacob.
"Jacob?" Bella asked.
He glared at me another few seconds and then finally looked at her.
"Are you hurt?" She asked.
She was worried about the dog. What a surprise.
"Of course not!" he hissed. Fucking bloodsucker, he thought, trying to avoid acknowledging the ache in his forearm.
I watched her, fuming. I was having a very hard time not misplacing some of my anger for the dog onto Bella.
She turned to me and, as she took in my hard expression, her chin tilted up with stubborn resolve.
"That wasn't nice. You should say sorry," she said quietly.
My eyes widened in disgust. "You must be joking - he was crushing you!"
"Because you dumped him on the floor!" she said. "He didn't do it on purpose, and he didn't hurt me."
Jacob smirked behind her. Wish I'd brought popcorn.
I groaned, revolted. I owed him nothing. But I felt Bella's eyes on me and I knew I couldn't refuse.
I glared at him. "My apologies, dog."
"No harm done," Jacob said. She has you so whipped.
You know, he added, I didn't mean you should literally attack me at first light. But it seems like a winning strategy so do your thing.
I took a deep breath. I wasn't thinking straight, gripped by the same blind rage that had almost carried me across the Quileute border that day a few weeks ago. I pictured Carlisle. His perfect calm. I wondered bitterly how much different he would be if he could read minds.
Regardless, I needed to come back to myself. It was too dangerous to let my impulses get the better of me. For my cause. For Bella.
And I still wasn't allowed to kill Jacob Black.
Bella curled in on herself. I wasn't sure if it was stress or the cold, but I didn't want the dog to see an opportunity.
"Here," I said calmly, wrapping the parka over the top of Bella's coat.
"That's Jacob's," She objected.
"Jacob has a fur coat," I hinted.
"I'll just use the sleeping bag again, if you don't mind," he said as he crawled back into it. "I wasn't quite ready to wake up. That wasn't the best night's sleep I ever spent."
"It was your idea," I reminded him impassively.
"I didn't say it wasn't the best night I've ever spent," Jacob said, curled up in the bag with his eyes closed. "Just that I didn't get a lot of sleep. I thought Bella was never going to shut up."
I saw Bella wince out of the corner of my eye.
For a fraction of a second I was glad she felt discomfort over whatever she imagined she'd said, but I knew that was wrong and I let the guilt have me.
"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself," I murmured to the dog.
"Didn't you have a nice night, then?" He asked, smug.
Bella frowned at him disapprovingly.
"It wasn't the worst night of my life," I said.
That was true. It had been nothing like the hell that was March 18th when I'd thought, thanks to the dog, she was dead. It wasn't anywhere as awful as March 17th the year before when I'd watched James' tape. Watched him torture Bella. And then prayed to her god to give me the strength to leave her... Those four mid-September nights. Those were hell, too.
Remembering all the times I'd failed Bella, the guilt washed over me anew for allowing myself to be angry with her.
"Did it make the top ten?" The dog pushed gleefully, watching me.
Was it worse than the hundreds of hollow nights I'd spent apart from her through the Fall and Winter?
"Possibly," I said.
The dog smiled and closed his eyes. My pleasure.
"But," I went on, "if I had been able to take your place last night, it would not have made the top ten of the best nights of my life."
Bella looked at me with wide eyed exasperation.
Jacob Black was suddenly imagining things that he didn't want to imagine. Good. It was his turn to see things he didn't want to see. And I wasn't about to clue him in that the things he imagined weren't entirely accurate. They weren't accurate yet, at least.
His eyes opened into a glare.
"Dream about that," I added, my voice thick with arrogance.
Something was coming back to him. The truck, Charlie's couch, Bella's bed, a quilt. Bella wearing... Suddenly he understood why I was so much more intent on killing him this morning than I had been last night.
He sat up stiffly, his shoulders tense.
"You know what? I think it's too crowded in here." He fought the images in his head. Him with her. Her with me.
"I couldn't agree more," I said with sarcastic cheer.
Bella elbowed me and I worried she'd bruise.
"Guess I'll catch up on my sleep later, then," Jacob said sadly, attempting to gain Bella's sympathy. "I need to talk to Sam anyway," he said.
Gotta get this garbage out of my head before I phase, he thought, suddenly anxious over what his brothers might hear.
Bella reached after him, of course. "Jake, wait - " she called, her voice full of pain. Her hand slid down his arm, which he jerked away.
His reaction to her confused me for a moment. If I was Jacob Black, I'd be bending over backwards to make her think the tenderness I'd held her with through the night meant something. That it had moved me and made me less of a volatile ass. I'd try to deepen the bond over the shared experience.
"Please, Jake? Won't you stay?"
"No," he said coldly, absolutely.
I wanted to protect her somehow from the hurt he was causing her, but I also wanted to watch him shoot himself in the foot.
Shit. Don't look like that, Bella. He felt too guilty with whatever strategy he was trying to employ. He changed tactics.
"Don't worry about me, Bells," he said laying it on thick. "I'll be fine, just like I always am." He forced a laugh, as if he was trying to stay strong under a crushing depression. I rolled my eyes at him, but he could see Bella was eating it up.
"'Sides," he went on. "You think I'm going to let Seth go in my place - have all the fun and steal all the gory? Right." He snorted.
Seth really wished he would send him in his place. Anything to get away from the messy romantic feud between Jacob Black and the deadly yet intriguing vampire.
"Be careful - " Bella started.
"Give it a rest, Bella," Jacob Black muttered as he shoved out of the tent, zipping the door closed behind him.
I realized my error then. When I'd considered his strategy, I'd looked at the hand he was dealt as Edward Cullen. Not as Jacob Black. Because if I had considered it as Jacob Black, I would have leaned into the fact that I was a volatile ass, rather than shy away from it.
I could see his intentions as he strode away from the tent and into the trees to phase.
"Does that mean he's a better kisser than I am?" He'd asked her.
"I really couldn't say, Jake. Edward is the only person I've ever kissed."
"Besides me," he corrected.
"But I don't count that as a kiss, Jacob. I think of it more as an assault."
I couldn't even appreciate her rejection because I knew what he was planning. He'd seen it as a challenge. A window. He truly believed that if she kissed him - willingly kissed him - she would discover she loved him back.
I couldn't completely make out how he thought he might convince her to ask him, but it seemed acting pitiful and hyping up the fight was part of it. He knew what levels she thought she'd descended to to get me to stay with her.
I needed to neutralize the threat. Let him in on the fact that I'd already won the fight. Before he tried to kiss my fiancée again.
Bella leaned against my shoulder, huddled in her coats. She smelled like him. Every part of her.
To think, not even twenty-four hours ago we were discussing wedding plans. And now she loved him. Or at least I knew it now.
We were quiet for a long time. There was an unfamiliar awkwardness between us as I wallowed.
I listened passively to the chatter among the wolves. At one point, Seth passed along an update from Alice.
It was a comfort to see her and hear her voice. An ally. A certainty. I imagined how much better the night would have been if just one of my family members had been here. I would have even taken Rosalie though Jasper would have been ideal.
The longing made me feel particularly inhuman. Like I, in my fixed and unchanging ways, was fundamentally incompatible with the human girl I fought so hard for.
"How much longer?" Bella asked.
"Alice told Sam it should be an hour or so," I said.
"We stay together. No matter what," she ordered.
She spoke of the battle, but when I replied, I thought of so much more. Our future and my tireless fight for it.
"No matter what," I said, emotion leaking into my voice.
"I know, I'm terrified for them, too," she said, misinterpreting my unsteadiness.
"They know how to handle themselves," I assured her in a soothing voice. "I just hate missing the fun."
Anger flashed across her face.
I put my arm around her shoulders.
"Don't worry," I said and kissed her forehead.
"Sure, sure," she grumbled dismissively.
I was suddenly aware Jacob Black was phasing back to his human form. I wished he would just go down to the clearing, but I knew why he lingered.
Bella hadn't visited him since he'd forced his affection on her and after the newborns were taken care of, he didn't know if or when he'd get to see her again. He was running out of time to save her.
To steal her.
"Do you want me to distract you?" I breathed, running my fingers along Bella's cheekbone as I tucked a heavy lock of hair behind her ear.
She shivered and I pulled my hand back. "Maybe not right now," I said sadly.
"There are other ways to distract me," she said quickly. But it seemed she was trying to distract me.
"What would you like?"
She thought for a few seconds before her eyes lit up. "You could tell me about your ten best nights. I'm curious."
I laughed, amused at her excitement.
Jacob Black was curious, too. He'd latched onto my earlier implication about my ten best nights and believed he had new reasons to worry for Bella. He had no faith in my ability to love her without harming her. He wondered if I already had harmed her. The thought enraged him.
His false beliefs about me made me feel defiant.
Let him think what he would, Bella had just provided me with the perfect opening to crush him.
"Try to guess," I told Bella.
She shook her head. "There're too many nights I don't know about. A century of them," she said, her voice almost sad.
"I'll narrow it down for you. All of my best nights have happened since I met you."
"Really?" Her eyes brightened again. I could feel myself growing warmer. The ache of the night dulling with her joy and my resolve.
"Yes, really," I said as if stating the obvious - because it should have been obvious, "and by quite a wide margin, too."
I wished I could hear her speculations. Which moments she considered and how she weighed them.
She thought for a minute and her mouth finally twisted a little. "I can only think of mine," she admitted.
"They might be the same," I encouraged eagerly. It would be much more interesting to hear her favorites than recount my own.
"Well, there was the first night. The night you stayed."
"Yes, that's one of mine, too. Of course, you were unconscious for my favorite part."
What the hell? Jacob wondered, jumping to insulting conclusions.
"That's right. I was talking that night, too," she said somberly.
"Yes," I agreed, hoping she wouldn't ask the obvious next question. Now or ever.
She blushed and I felt the painful awkwardness between us again.
"What did I say last night?" She whispered as low as she could.
Seth could have made out her words if he'd wanted to, but he was trying very hard to distract himself. Jacob Black on the other hand...
I shrugged.
I would've been happy enough to just let this go. For Bella to never know. What would her reaction be? I knew I didn't want the dog to overhear it, whatever it was.
Bella winced. "That bad?"
"Nothing too horrible," I sighed.
You don't know her at all if you think she'll let this go, the dog taunted. Might as well rip the band-aid off now.
"Please tell me," she insisted softly.
"Mostly you said my name, the same as usual."
"That's not bad," she said, a bit of hope in her voice.
What did she hope I hadn't heard?
"Near the end, though," I looked up at the ceiling and fought to keep my tone even, "you started mumbling some nonsense about 'Jacob, my Jacob.' Your Jacob enjoyed that quite a lot." An understatement.
Bella tried to see my eyes, but I continued to look up. I didn't want her to see how upset I was, though I was sure she had an idea.
The dog wasn't fooled either, but as much as he enjoyed my discomfort, he was more eager to hear her response.
"Sorry," Bella finally murmured. "That's just the way I differentiate."
"Differentiate?" I didn't have the slightest idea what she was talking about. Neither did Jacob Black.
"Between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Between the Jacob I like and the one who annoys the hell out of me."
The dog was a little disappointed. But he was amused, too. He liked this tougher side of Bella. The side that wasn't afraid to go toe-to-toe with him or call him out. The one that liked to banter and flirt.
Plus, there was part of him she liked so much that she claimed it as hers. The incompleteness of her claim didn't seem to bother him so much.
All that said, I could see a little bit what she meant about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Didn't I have my own classification system? Jacob the boy. Jacob Black the man, the rival, the dog.
"That makes sense," I admitted.
But I had an agenda and this wasn't part of it. Plus, I didn't know when Jacob Black would get bored of his eavesdropping.
"Tell me another favorite night," I encouraged.
"Flying home from Italy."
I frowned, confused.
"Is that not one of yours?" She wondered.
"No, it is one of mine, actually, but I'm surprised it's on your list. Weren't you under the ludicrous impression I was just acting from a guilty conscience, and I was going to bolt as soon as the plane doors opened?"
"Yes," She smiled, a look of wonder on her face. "But, still, you were there."
I kissed her hair. Her words were healing. Erasing my doubts little by little.
"You love me more than I deserve," I said.
That part's true, Jacob thought.
She laughed as if I was being absurd.
"Next would be the night after Italy," she continued.
"Yes, that's on the list. You were so funny."
"Funny?" She objected.
"I had no idea your dreams were so vivid. It took me forever to convince you that you were awake."
"I'm still not sure," she muttered. "You've always seemed more like a dream than reality."
Shoot me, the dog complained. But I could hear pain behind his grumbling. If I was the 'dream,' he was 'reality.' In Bella's mind, reality was clearly the lesser of the two.
"Tell me one of yours, now," she insisted. "Did I guess your first place?"
Finally.
"No - that would be two nights ago, when you finally agreed to marry me."
Hah. Bella Swan engaged at 18? Yeah, right, Jacob thought. That doesn't even make sense. Not with everything she told me about Charlie and Renée.
Bella made a face.
"That doesn't make your list?" I asked.
I watched her think it over, trying to keep my anxiety at bay.
"Yes... it does," she allowed.
It's true? How the fuck did he pull that off? Dammit, Bella.
"But with reservations," Bella continued. "I don't understand why it's so important to you. You already had me forever."
There it is, thought Jacob Black. Anything for her manipulative bloodsucker. I guess a wedding's not as bad as some of the other crap she's done for him. Like throwing herself at those Italian leeches. And it sounds like she had an easier time doing that...
I was a little surprised by his reaction. Our engagement wasn't exactly taken as the death blow I'd meant it to be, though he was upset. Things were closer than he'd thought. The situation more dire. But far from over.
"A hundred years from now," I said to Bella, "when you've gained enough perspective to really appreciate the answer, I will explain it to you."
Condescending leech.
Bella smiled while she thought about that.
I'm not rolling over, bloodsucker, Jacob Black warned.
"I'll remind you to explain - in a hundred years," she said.
Jacob Black was scheming. He saw right away what I so badly didn't want to. Bella's 'yes' was merely appeasement. She sounded flippant about the whole thing and she wore no ring.
Her 'yes' to me counted no more than their first kiss had, he decided. He wouldn't let it.
Two assaults. The kiss. The engagement. Both acts had been forced upon her. No decision had been made.
The fight was on, but he was running out of time.
"I was awful. I had to be..." He remembered her saying.
And then I heard my voice, "...what could possibly motivate me...she reminded me of what it did to her when I left."
He phased.
"Are you warm enough?" I asked Bella.
"I'm fine. Why?"
The wolf let out an earsplitting howl of pain that ricocheted off the bare rock face of the mountain. The tortured cry seemed to go on endlessly.
But it was all for show.
You won't force her into the first option, but I'm not letting you force her into the fourth, either. Manipulative leech.
"Because your space heater has reached his limit," I said. Low enough so Bella couldn't hear, I added, "Truce over."
Jacob Black threw himself into the trees, hurtling towards the clearing.
"Jacob was listening," Bella said, her voice strangely hollow.
I looked down at her. Her face was blank, staring ahead of her at nothing.
"Yes," I confirmed.
"You knew."
"Yes."
I waited for her to say something, but she didn't. I suddenly felt uneasy.
"I never promised to fight fair," I said, quietly defending myself. "And he deserves to know."
Though, of course, I had not done it for his benefit.
Quite unexpectedly, her head fell into her hands.
"Are you angry with me?" I asked anxiously.
"Not you," she whispered. "I'm horrified at me."
The dog was quick. I'd give him that. He'd accurately predicted her reaction to his little outburst and I had not.
"He knew what he was doing," I explained.
She looked up at me in disbelief, her cheeks flushed and her eyes wet.
"Do you think that matters? Do you think I care whether it's fair or whether he was adequately warned? I'm hurting him. Every time I turn around, I'm hurting him again," she said. Her voice, distorted with tears, grew louder. "I'm a hideous person."
I wrapped my arms tightly around her. "No, you're not," I said firmly.
"I am! What's wrong with me?" She pushed against my arms so I let them drop. "I have to go find him."
I'd made a major miscalculation. I could see that now. I'd hurt her and given Jacob Black an advantage in the process.
"Bella, he's already miles away, and it's cold."
"I don't care," she said stubbornly. Her eyes were unfocused and I could see her mind was a million miles away. "I can't just sit here."
She threw off the parka and pulled on her boots before stepping out of the tent.
"I have to... - I have to... " She stumbled across the dirt and snow. Her tear-filled eyes squinted against the bright light.
I followed after her, panic rising in my chest. I didn't know what to say or do to make it better.
She was several paces into the shadows of the forest when I grabbed her wrist. She tried to yank free, but I didn't let go.
"You can't go after him. Not today," I said, my voice pleading. "It's almost time. And getting yourself lost wouldn't help anyone, regardless."
She tried again to pull away, but I couldn't let her go.
I stared into her eyes. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry I did that," I whispered desperately.
I was sorry. I'd never anticipated it would cause her this sort of pain.
But even not knowing that, it had not been my place to break the news to him. Whatever they had, as much as I hated it, it was valuable to her. For me to reach out and crush it like glass in my callous hands... it was undeniably cruel.
"You didn't do anything. It's my fault. I did this. I did everything wrong. I could have... When he... I shouldn't have... I... I..." Her whole body heaved with sobs.
It was excruciating to see her try to take my evil upon herself. To see how the weight of it was nearly unbearable upon the shoulders of this beautiful creature who was only good and selfless.
"Bella, Bella," I whispered, folding my arms around her.
What had I done? She loved him. I knew that now. I knew that before first light. So, why did I not anticipate that just as her pain was mine, his pain, imagined or real, would be hers?
Jacob Black's pain was my pain.
"I should have - told him - I should - have said... He shouldn't have - found out like this."
I couldn't let her suffer this way. There had to be something...
Anything I could do now would give him an advantage. But I deserved the hit, even if it was agony to take it.
"Do you want me to see if I can bring him back, so that you can talk to him?" I murmured. "There's still a little time."
I felt her nod against my chest.
"Stay by the tent. I'll be back soon."
I ran as fast as I could, but there was no relief in it today. The part of me that valued self preservation above all else screamed at me to stop. She'll forgive you, it argued, she already has. Let the dog go lick his wounds and be done with it already.
But every other part of me felt sick. Hideous. I was hideous.
I thought of her wet lashes, her violent sobs.
I heard his mind before he heard me, but it didn't take long for him to sense my pursuit and catch my scent.
He skidded to a stop and turned to face my approach. He waited in a crouch.
I'll kill you. I'll do it happily. Jacob warned me.
The pack chatter was angry, confused.
He doesn't want to hurt you, Jake, Seth tried to reassure him.
I slowed to a stop, leaving a few yards between us.
"She wants to talk to you," I said. "She didn't mean for it to be like this. She wouldn't have done it this way."
Seems like that only benefits you. She finally caught you in your games and you want me to go clean up your mess.
"I swear to you this is only for her."
Hear him out, Jake, Seth insisted. He's not trying to trick you.
God, shut-up, Seth. Jacob ordered, but he was already phasing.
I looked away to give him privacy.
"Only for her! The hell it is," He shouted, pulling on his pants. "Everything you do is for you. Stop lying to yourself."
I turned to face him. "Jacob - "
"You know what pisses me off more than anything?" Jacob asked. "You say you don't want her to be a bloodsucker like you, but we both know that's not true. If it were, you wouldn't have been fighting so hard against me this whole time. What did you think was going to happen when you asked her to marry you?"
"Please, just go talk to her. She's devastated."
"She's made her decision. I'm going down to the fight."
Though he turned to leave, his thoughts weren't as decided. He'd known she would call him back. That had been his intention. But he didn't know if he should give in this soon. Maybe after the fight. Maybe he'd disappear for a week and really get her worked up.
I couldn't bear for the wound I'd inflicted upon her to fester another hour let alone another week.
"Wait," I said. I took a deep breath.
Spit it out, bloodsucker.
"Your plan. You had a plan. Earlier."
"Are you telling me to go kiss her?" He asked with disgust.
"No. But if she asks... Wasn't that your plan? To see if you could get her to ask you in exchange for staying back?"
"You're sick, you know that? What kind of game are you up to now?"
"It was your idea," I said, repulsion in my voice. "But I'm not playing a game right now. What incentive would I have? I could go back right now and she'd forgive me. She already has. She blames herself."
"She should," he spat. I could see he was more hurt by the news than he'd let on before.
"This is your last chance, Jacob. It'll just be you and her and I won't listen. But I'm not giving up, either. I'll step aside for a moment, but that's all I can give you. Take it or leave it. Right now."
He hesitated. Was this really his best move, he wondered. She wouldn't get over this. She would call him every day. She'd drive down to his house. He could do this on his turf without time constraints.
"Your best advantage is right now," I pressed. "She's scared for you. She's scared for everyone going to fight. In an hour, in a week, the threat is gone."
He could see that I was right.
"You're a manipulative bastard, you know that?"
I waited as he deliberated.
Fuck it. "Lead the way, bloodsucker."
We were met with Seth's rumbling growl as we approached the campsite.
"It's just us, Seth," Jacob called ahead.
Bella was pacing when I made it to the campsite, pausing when she saw me.
Seth came up to me at once replaying what Alice had told Sam when Jacob had been disconnected from the pack. The Volturi were coming.
"Yes, that's all we need," I muttered to myself before addressing Seth. "I suppose we shouldn't be surprised. But the timing is going to be very close. Please have Sam ask Alice to try to nail the schedule down better."
Seth nodded.
The news had the wolves on edge. It seemed they already understood what this meant to some extent. I could hear a memory of Bella's words in Seth's head as well as new information from Alice. The Volturi were darker than their worst imaginings.
I looked up at Bella, but she was looking at Jacob. He had his back turned to her as he stared off dramatically. It was part of the guilt trip he was rehearsing in his head now.
Would this just hurt her more?
That wasn't the right question. Hadn't I known this was Bella's knot? Her crossroads. It had been wrong of me, cruel, to try to take the choice out of her hands.
I'd become so entangled in my jealousy, my fear, my insecurities, I'd forgotten my most sacred rule. A pledge I'd made to myself before I'd ever even met Jacob Black.
It must always be her choice.
I moved quickly to her side. I needed to leave her now. I needed to focus on the day's task so her world could be safe. So I could make sure she had that choice and whatever path she chose to follow would be a happy one.
"Bella," I murmured, staring into her eyes.
She looked up at me, her tortured face breaking my heart all over again.
"There's a bit of a complication," I said, trying to sound casual - she had enough to worry about. "I'm going to take Seth a little ways away and try to straighten it out. I won't go far, but I won't listen either. I know you don't want an audience, no matter which way you decide to go." The pain broke through my voice at the end. It was terrifying to let go. To allow him this opening when he was so desperate and she was so vulnerable.
I saw stubbornness flash across her otherwise distraught face. I didn't understand it.
Maybe I never would.
"Hurry back," she whispered.
I kissed her once on the lips and darted away before I could change my mind.
Seth kept pace beside me. His earlier apprehension was gone. He trusted me now.
He tried not to think of all he'd witnessed, but he couldn't help it entirely. Tragic. That was the word he thought. Tragic for every single party.
It didn't take long. I was out of range of Jacob's thoughts in seconds.
Not five minutes later we heard from Alice through Sam's thoughts. She foresaw about a 20 minute window between the time the Cullen's finished their half and when the Volturi arrived. Sam said he anticipated they could be even faster than that. I made it clear how critical it was for the Volturi to not know of their involvement.
Though Aro knew of Jacob from Alice's thoughts, he'd appeared a minor threat alone in his human form compared to the many vicious beasts Aro had encountered before. He'd also seen my memories of the small pack we'd encountered so long ago, but that had never turned to violence and he hadn't seemed fazed by that either.
However, seeing so many of the wolves, especially in action annihilating the newborns, could easily sway the Volturi's calculations. It would also make Aro feel more threatened by Carlisle than he already was.
Fortunately, the pack seemed to be focused on the task and not on Jacob. I was worried my impulsiveness and Jacob's reaction might have endangered our alliance, but to the pack, Jacob's outbursts over Bella and their hostility towards myself were par for the course.
All too quickly, Seth and I had nothing to do but wait.
Seth watched me pace. I couldn't keep up a pretense of calm. I was too far past that. I just wanted to know. I just wanted to see her.
After a while Seth's pity gave way to his frustration at being left out of the fight. His brothers and sister were jubilant with anticipation.
I focused on them too. Waiting.
Why hadn't Jacob rejoined them yet? Had she persuaded him to sit out? Couldn't he at least pay everyone the courtesy of phasing to let us know?
Sam was growing impatient, too, wishing he wasn't always so indulgent with Jacob.
What if something had happened and Jacob hadn't been able to phase in time? What if he'd been outnumbered?
"Seth, why don't you head back to the campsite to check everything's okay? I'll follow a few minutes later if you don't double back."
He stood up and paused.
You're okay, you know that? And not just for a... vampire, Seth told me over the ardent disagreement and disgust of his pack mates.
I chuckled. "You too, Seth."
He sprinted off happy to have something to do, but apprehensive about what he would find.
I played my earlier mistake in my head over and over again.
Seth was wrong. I was cruel. Viciously cruel.
I launched a kick at a snow dusted fir. The beautiful tree bent backwards before the section above its injury snapped off and tumbled down the embankment.
I took a deep breath and started back for the campsite.
A/N: I walked around all mopey while getting through this one. The poor guy is having a bad day and it's going to get worse.
Up next Edward learns what happened between Jacob and Bella, Victoria shows up, and Jacob gets into some trouble.
Thank you for all the kind reviews, guys!
