A/N: This is mid-Eclipse through the end of Breaking Dawn from Edward's perspective. Thanks for reading!
These characters are not mine and all belong to Stephenie Meyer.
Lust (Eclipse)
Alice heard the truck coming down the drive.
Edward! I love you, I love you, I love you. Everything's perfect now. You're the most wonderful brother in the whole world. I'm so glad you didn't kill her.
I watched a kaleidoscope of flowers, china patterns, and elegantly decorated desserts spin in her head.
She was practically dancing when we pulled up to the house.
"Thank you, Bella!" She sang from the top step.
"Hold it, Alice," Bella warned, one hand out in front of her. "I've got a few limitations for you."
I listened curiously as Alice rattled them off. "I know, I know, I know. I only have until August thirteenth at the latest, you have veto power on the guest list, and if I go overboard on anything, you'll never speak to me again."
If that were true, then I predicted Bella wouldn't be speaking to Alice starting August 13th.
"Oh, okay. Well, yeah. You know the rules, then," Bella said awkwardly.
"Don't worry, Bella, it will be perfect," Alice said.
What's with you? She asked, stealing a quick glance at my face. Please don't be a downer. She's in a good mood.
"Do you want to see your dress?"
I glared at Alice and shook my head. I was certain she had some idea the night Bella had had.
She's fine! Stop being dramatic. She watched Bella take a few deep breaths.
"Sure," Bella finally said.
Alice's smile was smug.
"Um, Alice," Bella said, panic leaking into her voice. "When did you get me a dress?"
I squeezed her hand as we followed Alice up the stairs.
"These things take time, Bella. I mean, I wasn't sure things were going to turn out this way, but there was a distinct possibility..."
She was being careful with her thoughts so I wondered too.
"When?" Bella pressed.
Fine. When you didn't kill her in the meadow. But don't you dare tell her. She has limits.
"You're ridiculous," I said quiet enough that Bella wouldn't hear.
"Perrine Bruyere has a waiting list, you know," she said defensively. "Fabric masterpieces don't happen overnight. If I hadn't thought ahead, you'd be wearing something off the rack!
"Per - who?"
"He's not a major designer, Bella, so there's no need to throw a hissy fit. He's got promise, though" - a lot of promise, this dress is going to centuple in value within a decade - "and he specializes in what I needed."
"I'm not throwing a fit," Bella said calmly.
We both eyed her face suspiciously.
"No, you're not." Did you drug her or something?
We followed her into her room and suddenly she turned on me.
"You - out," she ordered.
"Why?" Bella demanded.
"Bella," Alice groaned. "You know the rules. He's not supposed to see the dress till the day of."
Bella took another deep breath. "It doesn't matter to me. And you know he's already seen it in your head."
I was wary. She wasn't acting like herself for one. That was to be expected after the night she'd had, but such a complete one-eighty was strange. It also worried me that she seemed reluctant to be apart from me in this small way. Would she fall apart when Alice closed the door? Would the dress scare her off? Should it scare her off? Should I want it to?
Bella gave in under Alice's glare. "But if that's how you want it..."
Alice shoved me out into the hall.
I didn't resist, never taking my eyes off Bella. She nodded back at me encouragingly, but it didn't reassure me.
Alice shut the door in my face.
I sighed.
I'm doing my best to keep you out, but don't try to steal a glance, either, Alice chided me.
I couldn't have cared less about the dress in that moment.
I leaned against the hallway wall as Alice dragged Bella to her closet and showed off the dress, never looking at it directly. Fortunately for me she was focusing very hard on Bella's face, both to keep the dress out of her thoughts and to read Bella's opinion.
Bella looked at it for a long time. There was a hint of humor in her eyes, but Alice missed it.
"Ah," Bella said seriously. Then she smiled. She was playing with Alice. "I see."
"What do you think?" Alice demanded.
"It's perfect, of course. Exactly right. You're a genius."
It seemed like she genuinely liked it, which was... odd.
"I know," Alice said jubilantly.
"Nineteen-eighteen?" Bella asked, looking pleased.
I had to smile at that.
"More or less," Alice said. "Some of it is my design, the train, the veil... The lace is vintage. Do you like it?"
"It's beautiful. It's just right for him."
Ah. Of course. I already knew what was going on here. What he - it was painfully jarring to think of him now - had realized right away.
I remembered his cutting words... Anything for her manipulative bloodsucker. I guess a wedding's not as bad as some of the other crap she's done for him. Like throwing herself at those Italian leeches. And it sounds like she had an easier time doing that...
"But is it just right for you?" Alice insisted, also dissatisfied with her answer, though in a much more superficial way.
"Yes, I think it is, Alice. I think it's just what I need." I was ready for her uncharacteristic response this time, though it was still bizarre to hear. "I know you'll do a great job with this... if you can keep yourself in check."
Alice was overjoyed.
"Can I see your dress?" Bella asked.
Alice feigned confusion. She had definitely seen this coming.
"Didn't you order your bridesmaid dress at the same time? I wouldn't want my maid of honor to wear something off the rack." Bella winced in mock horror.
Alice grabbed Bella in a hug and I had to be happy for my sister. I could see she already counted this among her most precious memories.
"Thank you, Bella!"
"How could you not see that one coming?" Bella teased, kissing the top of Alice's head. "Some psychic you are!"
Shh... Alice thought.
"I've got so much to do! Go play with Edward. I have to get to work."
She danced into the hallway, sticking her tongue out at me as she passed. Stop moping and let yourself be happy for once. Please?
"Esme!" She shouted.
Bella followed slowly, emerging a few seconds later.
"That was very, very nice of you," I said.
"She seems happy," Bella agreed.
She looked up into my eyes. Something seemed to concern her there.
Something in hers bothered me as well. I touched her face, searching it minutely.
"Let's get out of here," I suggested, the idea occurring to me suddenly. "Let's go to our meadow."
She thought for a moment before her lips turned up into a dazzling smile. "I guess I don't have to hide out anymore, do I?"
"No. The danger is behind us."
I considered that as we ran. It felt like we'd been in a freefall for the past nine months. And even before that, our precious summer last year, the whole time I was living through each moment with her as if it was our last, knowing that someday soon I'd have to leave her.
The meadow was peaceful. The tall grass, dotted with yellow and white daisies, swayed in the light breeze.
Though the ground was damp, Bella lay down with out a second thought.
I watched her for a moment, studying her peaceful expression as she looked up at the clouds. I couldn't reconcile the broken Bella from last night with the serene one before me. She wasn't a very good actress so I knew she wasn't just trying to appease me.
I lay down next to her and grabbed her hand, enjoying the warmth.
I thought over what she'd said to Alice earlier.
"August thirteenth?" I asked.
"That gives me a month til my birthday. I didn't want to cut it too close."
I sighed. It was futile, I'd already lost this war, but still I said, "Esme is three years older than Carlisle - technically. Did you know that?"
She shook her head.
"It hasn't made any difference to them."
"My age is not really that important," she answered completely at ease. "Edward, I'm ready. I've chosen my life - now I want to start living it."
I stroked her hair, working up the courage to ask what I was sure would be a harder question.
"The guest list veto?"
"I don't care really, but I..." she hesitated and I could see a shadow of last night cross her face. "I'm not sure if Alice would feel the need to invite... a few werewolves. I don't know if... Jake would feel like... like he should come. Like that's the right thing to do, or that I'd get my feelings hurt if he didn't. He shouldn't have to go through that."
So he had been kind to her last night, I guessed, if she thought he might consider coming to the wedding after everything. I was grateful to him for that.
I remembered thinking last night how he'd become such an important part of her life. A part of her. But how much better off would they have both been if they'd never fallen in love?
I'd allowed myself to believe for one day, that beautiful day in the meadow when I'd found the strength to not kill her, that Bella and I belonged together. What followed was a series of mistakes and doubts as I fought that truth. So great were my missteps that not only did I nearly get Bella and I killed, but I also endangered and hurt Alice, Esme and Carlisle, Charlie and Jacob. The list could go on.
If I had just taken Alice's advice when James began his hunt, if Carlisle had changed her then... Or if I'd given in to Bella's wishes after she'd made them clear at her prom...
So much had passed in a little over a year only to get us back to the same exact spot we were in before.
Abruptly, I grabbed her around the waist and pulled her onto my chest.
Her startled eyes looked down at me.
"Tell me why you're dong this, Bella," I demanded. "Why did you decide, now, to give Alice free rein?"
She bit her lip, seeming to think over her answer.
"Part of it is Charlie. Last night before I went down to..." she winced. "Charlie said he feels like he's about to lose me. Some hunch or superstitious thing." She smiled a little, probably amused as I was that a practical man like Charlie would allow himself to be superstitious. "He made me promise to tell him before I do anything major. Before I run off with you or something.
"It wouldn't be fair to keep Charlie out of this. And that means Renée and Phil. I might as well let Alice have her fun, too. Maybe it will make the whole thing easier for Charlie if he gets his proper goodbye. Even if he thinks it's too much too early, I wouldn't want to cheat him out of the chance to walk me down the aisle." She grimaced, then took another deep breath. "At least my mom and dad and friends will know the best part of my choice, the most I'm allowed to tell them. They'll know I chose you, and they'll know we're together. They'll know I'm happy, wherever I am. I think that's the best I can do for them."
I held her face searching it.
I'd just put her through hell and she was still doing everything she could to make me happy. To do things my way. And if that weren't enough she was trying to accommodate everyone else's wishes as well.
She looked decided. Calm. Serious. Her face a careful mask.
What was it she'd said once... "I've always been very good at repressing unpleasant things."
Yes, she was doing that now.
But was she happy? I stared into her eyes. They still showed signs of the long night. My heart hurt remembering it.
"Deal's off," I said abruptly.
"What?" She gasped. "You're backing out? No!"
Finally. Some life in her eyes again.
"I'm not backing out, Bella. I'll still keep my side of the bargain. But you're off the hook. Whatever you want, no strings attached."
This was the only thing I could give her now. The only thing that would allow me to even start to make up for all her suffering.
"Why?" She asked, her eyes narrowed.
"Bella, I see what you're doing. You're trying to make everyone else happy. And I don't care about anyone else's feelings. I only need you to be happy. Don't worry about breaking the news to Alice. I'll take care of it. I promise she won't make you feel guilty."
Remembering Alice's joy earlier, that would be no pleasurable task for me, but that was a worry for another time. I'd find a way to make it up to her.
"But I - "
"No," I said decisively. "We're doing this your way. Because my way doesn't work. I call you stubborn, but look at what I've done. I've clung with such idiotic obstinacy to my idea of what's best for you, though it's only hurt you. Hurt you so deeply, time and time again. I don't trust myself anymore. You can have happiness your way. My way is always wrong."
I was terrified and exhilarated as I threw away the tired path I'd clung to all this time. No more overthinking. No more over planning. Just jumping.
I shifted, squaring my shoulders where I lay beneath her. I could see in the reflection of her stunned eyes that there was more life in my face as well.
"We're doing it your way, Bella. Tonight. Today. The sooner the better. I'll speak to Carlisle. I was thinking that maybe if we gave you enough morphine, it wouldn't be so bad. It's worth a try." I gritted my teeth. I would never be ready for that part, so I couldn't use it as an excuse to delay now.
"Edward, no - "
I touched my finger to her lips. Full lips. Soft lips. "Don't worry, Bella, love," I said tenderly. I remembered Alice's cascade of visions yesterday. Satin and flushed skin. Bright eyes and parted lips. In sunlight and the black of night. I could do this. A future existed where we tried. Where we went back for more... I was ready. "I haven't forgotten the rest of your demands."
I smiled thinking over Alice's words in the hallway. Let yourself be happy for once. Please?
Yes. I would do that now.
I felt the electricity racing through my body. The anticipation in my stomach.
My hands tangled into the silk of her hair, pulling her face to mine. I moved my lips softly - but very seriously - against hers.
I knew the moment she understood my intentions. I could feel the force of her pounding heart behind her breasts where they pressed into me.
Her breathing was erratic as her small hands gripped my arms, pulling her body tighter against mine.
As she surrendered to me, my mouth became more insistent on hers. Leading not following. Taking rather than giving.
I would claim her in the way she wanted to be claimed. I could see her logic perfectly now. What were rings and flowers and a white dress beside the pleasure that would bond us now?
I rolled gently so she was beneath me, burdening her with only a slight fraction of my weight. I pressed my body against hers firmly enough that I could feel every line of her. Firmly enough that she could feel just how ready I was.
She was ready too. Her sweet breath mixed with her amorous scent intoxicating me. Her excited hands left trails of heat where they explored.
She shook her head. Right, she needed to breathe. I was thoroughly enjoying my advantage on that front.
My hungry lips wandered down her delicate neck while she gasped for air.
I smirked, pleased.
My fears that I couldn't please her felt silly in this moment. I had a lot to prove, what with her believing I had the sexuality of a monk. And I felt thrilled, cocky as I prepared to do just that.
"Stop. Edward. Wait," she breathed.
"Why?" I whispered into the hollow of her throat.
Did she want to do this somewhere else? But we were completely alone here. I didn't want anyone else in my head for this. Plus, I wanted her now. I'd burned through all my patience.
"I... " - I pressed my tongue once to her collar bone - "don't want to do this now," she said, though her voice turned up at the end as if she were asking a question.
I smiled. "Don't you?"
She was a terrible liar. She was still trying to give me what I wanted. And I wanted only one thing right now.
I moved my lips back to hers. Her fingers pulled through my hair. Her skin felt warmer than usual, burning where it touched mine.
Her hands left my hair and slid down to my chest, going for my buttons I imagined. I'd let her make the first move there. Then her top would be fair game.
But she didn't go for my buttons. Instead her palms pressed against me in what would have been a shove if she was strong enough.
I pulled back a couple inches and stared into her eyes. What was she thinking? This is what she had always wanted.
"Why?" I asked again, my voice low and rough. "I love you. I want you. Right now."
Her lips parted and her eyelashes fluttered.
I took advantage of her speechlessness.
"Wait, wait," she said against my lips.
"Not for me," I murmured in disagreement.
"Please?" She gasped.
I groaned in frustration, cursing myself for going on about virtue the other night. I was a vampire for god's sake. Why the hell had I concerned myself with that?
I pushed myself away from her, rolling onto my back.
We both lay there for a minute, trying to slow our breathing. I glowered at the gray clouds.
"Tell me why not, Bella," I demanded. "This had better not be about me."
"Edward, this is very important to me," she chided. "I am going to do this right."
Hadn't she come on to me just yesterday? Ordered me to make love to her so that she forgot her own name? No, this was still about me.
"Who's definition of right?" I challenged.
"Mine."
I rolled onto my elbow and stared at her disapprovingly. Her cheeks were a lovely, tempting scarlet.
"How are you going to do this right?"
She took a deep breath. "Responsibly. Everything in the right order. I will not leave Charlie and Renée without the best resolution I can give them. I won't deny Alice her fun, if I'm having a wedding anyway. And I will tie myself to you in every human way, before I ask you to make me immortal. I'm following all the rules, Edward. Your soul is far, far too important to me to take chances with. You're not going to budge me on this."
Well, I liked a challenge.
"I'll bet I could," I murmured, narrowing my eyes as I stared deeply into hers.
Her heart went wild as she sucked in a shaky breath.
"But you wouldn't," she said, a small quiver in her voice. "Not knowing that this is what I really need."
She was cruel.
"You don't fight fair," I accused.
Her answering smile was smug. "Never said I did."
I supposed I deserved a taste of my own medicine. I smiled wistfully. "If you change your mind..."
"You'll be the first to know," she promised.
The rain started to drip through the clouds just then. Bella glared up at the sky.
"I'll get you home." I brushed the tiny beads of water from her still flushed cheeks.
"Rain's not the problem," she grumbled. "It just means that it's time to go do something that will be very unpleasant and possibly even highly dangerous."
My eyes widened in alarm. What was she up to now?
"It's a good thing your bulletproof." She sighed. "I'm going to need that ring. It's time to tell Charlie."
I laughed at the expression on her face. "Highly dangerous."
Suddenly I remembered my small act of faith and laughed again. I reached into the pocket of my jeans. "But at least there's no need for a side trip."
Once again, I slid my ring - her ring - into place on the ring finger of her left hand.
Right or wrong, she was truly mine to keep. Forever.
A/N: Easily one of my favorite parts in the entire series. Definitely somewhere in the top five. Onto Breaking Dawn we go...
Let me know what you think! Thank you :)
