A/N: This is mid-Eclipse through the end of Breaking Dawn from Edward's perspective. Thanks for reading!
These characters are not mine and all belong to Stephenie Meyer.
Engaged (Breaking Dawn)
"Ugh," Bella groaned, leaning her elbows against the kitchen counter. "By this time tomorrow the whole town is going to think I'm pregnant." She buried her face in her hands.
"They won't," I insisted. "You're overthinking this."
"What other possible reason would sane people have for getting married at eighteen?" She asked, peaking at me over her fingertips.
While it was true she wasn't exactly sane, agreeing to marry a literal monster and all, I still found the question insulting.
"Love."
She rolled her eyes. "Right," she muttered.
Bella was a nervous wreck by the time I finally heard Charlie's thoughts a couple minutes out from the house.
I, on the other hand, was elated. Isabella Marie Swan wanted to marry me - without coercion - and now we got to tell the whole world. Well, Charlie, at least.
I grabbed her left hand and pulled her towards the living room. Normally I sat in the recliner or on the floor when Charlie was around, but I sat beside her on the couch now without hesitation, turning our hands so hers rested on top. I admired the delicate yellow gold and glistening diamonds against her translucent skin.
I could tell she finally heard Charlie's cruiser when I felt a light pressure on my hand as she tried to pull hers away. I didn't relax my hold so she channeled her nervous energy into bouncing her leg and biting her lip instead.
"Stop fidgeting, Bella. Please try to remember that you're not confessing to a murder here."
"Easy for you to say," she muttered.
I knew this wouldn't be the easiest news for Charlie, but it might help his buy-in if she didn't look like I'd forced the ring on her at gunpoint.
Charlie stomped nosily up the stairs. His key rattled in the lock.
Her already racing heart took off in a sprint.
"Calm down, Bella," I murmured.
Charlie opened the door too forcefully and it slammed against the wall. Bella flinched.
So it would be up to me to put him at ease. I could handle that. I'd rarely felt happier than I did in that moment.
"Hey, Charlie," I called, entirely relaxed.
"No!" Bella protested under her breath.
"What?" I whispered back.
"Wait till he hangs his gun up!" She said without humor.
I chuckled. If Charlie was so inclined, the bullet would merely ricochet off of me and I could easily catch it before it harmed anyone else. But that wouldn't exactly be inconspicuous and he had seriously considered shooting me before - the night we'd returned from Italy...
I ran my free hand through my hair, shaking off the less than pleasant memory.
As he walked around the corner, I sensed his displeasure at the sight of us together on the couch, but also his effort to suppress it.
"Hey, kids. What's up?
"We'd like to talk to you," I said serenely. "We have some good news."
Charlie's expression immediately transformed from forced friendliness to black suspicion.
Images flashed through his head. A hastily scrawled note, her empty bed, the red motorcycle Jacob Black had built for her.
Then he really processed Bella's face.
"Good news?" He growled, glaring at her.
"Have a seat, Dad."
He raised one eyebrow and continued to look over her face. The sweat on her forehead, her shifty gaze, her pursed lips.
He stomped to the recliner and sat down on the very edge, his back ramrod straight.
"Don't get worked up, Dad," she said after a moment of loaded silence. "Everything's okay."
I grimaced. Okay? Okay was how you described lackluster book or album. Could she think of no better descriptor for our eternal union? Wonderful, maybe? Or glorious or perfect?
"Sure it is, Bella," Charlie fired back. "Sure it is. If everything is so great, then why are you sweating bullets?"
"I'm not sweating," Bella lied weakly.
She appeared particularly delicate as she cringed into me and wiped the back of her hand across the her forehead.
For a moment he didn't see Bella. He saw a younger Renée. She looked startling similar to Bella, though her stomach was swollen and round. She wiped the sweat from her forehead with a sheepish smile.
Suddenly his dark eyes were boring into my own. His hand twitched towards his gun.
"You're pregnant!" Charlie exploded. "You're pregnant, aren't you?"
I met his glower with a look of faint surprise and innocence. Subtle, not too heavy handed. Nothing that would further trigger the armed police chief trained at reading faces.
"No! Of course not!" Bella snapped, finding her backbone again amid her anger. Some of that anger, I presumed, was towards me. I could almost hear the I told you so in her silent thoughts.
"Oh. Sorry."
"Apology accepted," She said, huffy.
We both watched her, but she said nothing.
Finally, she looked up at me, panic-stricken.
I smiled, happy to do this part. It had been my instinct to speak to Charlie privately before I asked for her hand, but I knew the impulse was rooted in the sexist customs of the time I was raised in. That and Alice had seen he would say no.
I squared my shoulders and turned to him.
"Charlie, I realize that I've gone about this out of order. Traditionally, I should have asked you first. I mean no disrespect, but since Bella has already said yes and I don't want to diminish her choice in the matter, instead of asking you for her hand, I'm asking you for your blessing."
Charlie's eyes locked on the ring.
"We're getting married, Charlie," I said with complete and authentic joy. "I love her more than anything in the world, more than my own life, and - by some miracle - she loves me that way, too. Will you give us your blessing?"
Bella didn't breathe as the man's face changed from fair to red, red to purple, purple to blue. I felt her start to get up, but squeezed her hand and murmured "Give him a minute" so low that only she could hear.
I sat too still as I concentrated on his thoughts.
He pictured Bella as a happy little girl. Then I felt anger in his thoughts as he pictured my face looking somewhat arrogant. He pictured Bella again. Her leaving the night we met James. Her broken in a wheelchair coming home. Sam Uley carrying her out of the forest. Me carrying her into the house. Jacob Black. Them holding hands walking out of the forest. Her laughing with him on the very couch we sat on now. Motorcycles. Jacob badly wounded. My concerned face as I helped care for him.
His lips pursed and his eyebrows furrowed as he studied the two of us. He imagined a future with us pulling up in a mini-van, children running towards him. He pictured Carlisle and then Esme.
I relaxed.
"Guess I'm not that surprised," Charlie grumbled. "Knew I'd have to deal with something like this soon enough.
Bella exhaled.
"You sure about this?" Charlie demanded, glaring at Bella.
"I'm one hundred percent sure about Edward," she told him without hesitation.
He spared one more wordless thought for Jacob before seeming to realize how carefully she'd worded her response. "Getting married, though? What's the rush?"
He imagined her as pregnant as Renée had been in his memory and seemed relieved when he glanced down to see Bella's stomach was still flat.
Bella swallowed loudly.
"We're going away to Dartmouth together in the fall, Charlie," I reminded him. "I'd like to do that, well, the right way. It's how I was raised." I shrugged.
His mouth twisted to the side. He seemed annoyed about something
"Knew this was coming," he muttered to himself, frowning.
He remembered Renée in a simple white dress and then his pain as he watched her leave with their child. Was he thinking he'd rushed into things too quickly just as Bella was doing? Was he thinking I would leave her, as I already had once, just as Renée had left him?
Though he still pictured Renée, abruptly the pain transformed into something more hopeful and his face went perfectly smooth and blank. I couldn't make out what had caused the shift.
"Dad?" Bella asked anxiously.
"Ha!" Charlie exploded. Bella jumped in her seat as I froze. "Ha, ha, ha!"
He was still thinking of Renée, but more how she looked now. He imagined Bella on the phone.
Charlie doubled over in laughter; his whole body shook with it.
I felt Bella's eyes on my face as I pressed my lips tightly together to avoid laughing. Now that I understood, it was amusing. Charlie, it seemed, like Bella anticipated Renée would be unhappy about the news.
I, however, had no such worries. Renée had all but asked my intentions in Florida and did not seem particularly surprised or displeased when I'd hinted at them.
"Okay, fine," Charlie choked out. "Get married." Another roll of laughter shook through him. "But..."
"But what?" Bella demanded.
"But you have to tell your mom! I'm not saying one word to Renée! That's all yours!" He busted into loud guffaws.
After a few minutes Charlie settled into the recliner with a beer, the TV volume up louder than usual. Bella poked around the fridge trying to decide what to make for dinner.
She froze, catching sight of my face.
"Why are you smiling?" She asked, confused, but smiling too.
"Let's call Renée now," I said excitedly.
Her face fell. "Right now?"
"Why not?"
"Let me do that one on my own, okay?"
I agreed, knowing I would just eavesdrop when she did it later anyway.
I was pleased when Renée reacted just as I expected she would, much to Bella and Charlie's shock.
It turned out Bella had been right about one thing, though. As people heard the news, their reactions were generally not so different from Charlie's. However, the added belief that we were headed to Dartmouth complicated such assumptions. Combining the two rumors into a plausible hypothesis became a favorite pass time of the townsfolk.
"Well, I guess if you get knocked up by a Cullen you don't have to throw your dreams away," Diane Mallory gossiped loudly to Karen Newton in front of the grocery store. "I'm sure they'll hire a live-in nanny while they get their Ivy League educations and run-off to Europe over school breaks."
"I don't know," Mrs. Newton disagreed. "Bella's such a good girl. A little flakey, though - probably gets that from her mom - the way she dropped that handsome boyfriend of hers down at the reservation the minute the Cullen's came back to town."
"Well, that was probably for the best. He seemed like nothing but trouble."
"Maybe," Mrs. Newton allowed. "Either way I'm happy for Bella. And it's good for Mikey, too. You know he's had a crush on her for so long."
"How did he take it?"
"Oh, you know how boys are, they keep everything bottled up inside."
Best not to tell Diane everything, Mrs. Newton thought remembering Newton's less than bottled up reaction. She's such a terrible gossip.
I took particular pleasure in my first and oldest rival's suffering.
Even more enjoyable was destroying Bella's truck.
I made my move the day Bella's 'before' car arrived in Seattle on a freighter from Germany.
I knew Charlie wasn't much of a mechanic, but he'd notice something too obvious like a missing battery. Less obvious was removing the spark-plug leads.
She was planning to come over to my house after finishing up dinner with Charlie, so it was just a matter of time before she called...
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and smirked.
"Bella?" I answered innocently.
"My truck won't start," she said in an accusatory voice
"I'll be right there to look at it."
I made an impressive show of looking under the hood and tinkering here and there. Bella watched suspiciously, her arms folded firmly across her chest. Charlie stood a few feet back watching too, though he was more curious.
"I'm almost certain its the transmission."
"Ouch. Tough luck, Bells," Charlie said.
"Is it fixable?" She demanded.
"Technically, though it would cost much more to fix than its worth," I explained.
"How convenient," She said through clenched teeth.
I rolled my eyes. "Bella, it was only to be expected. It's lived an impressively long, full life. Besides, I know just what will cheer you up."
When we reached the end of the winding drive I intentionally parked outside the garage.
"Close your eyes. Don't cheat." Once I had her in position I stood behind her and wrapped my arms around her waist. "Okay, open them."
She looked at the black car directly in front of her, a Mercedes Guardian, fresh off the factory floor. Sleek, sophisticated, and virtually indestructible.
"Well?" I asked, smiling.
"What? Why are you showing me Carlisle's car?"
I sighed. "Bella, this looks nothing like Carlisle's car. This is your car."
"My car?" She asked confused.
"Well, your before car. And that, I pointed to the Ferrari concealed under a cover in the farthest corner of the garage, is your after car."
I glanced down at her face and was surprised to see there was moisture in her eyes. Was it foolish to hope they were tears of joy?
"What's wrong?" I asked anxiously.
"I just want my truck back," she said, her voice breaking on the last word.
I groaned. "Bella, you can be so ridiculous sometimes." I carefully wiped away the tears leaking from her eyes with my thumb.
"I'm the ridiculous one? You got me two cars," she said angrily. "That was not the deal."
"The before car is just a loaner," I reassured her. "Once you're changed it goes right back."
She sighed, glowering at it.
I was a little savvier with the cell phone and credit card, slipping them into her bag rather than giving them to her directly, though she still threw a fit.
"The phone is just for emergencies," I argued when she tried to give it back. "This isn't anything excessive. Any husband would want his wife to be able to get ahold of him in case of a problem."
"Fiancée," she corrected.
"For now," I said smugly.
I was happy. The happiest I had ever been. Though life wasn't without its complications.
Alice, my constant ally, had still not forgiven me for the trauma I'd inflicted on her.
I went home to change the night after sharing the happy news with Charlie and she accosted me the minute I parked.
Do you have any idea how it felt to see the beautiful wedding I was planning just abruptly vanish before my eyes? "I forgave you for suggesting Vegas to her. But this..." She recalled her vision, "Don't worry about breaking the news to Alice. I'll take care of it. I promise she won't make you feel guilty." This is unforgivable.
"Alice, I'm sorry, but it - "
"But it was personal." She'd already seen this conversation play out.
"I am truly sorry."
"No you're not." You'd do it all the exact same way if you had to do it over again.
"Maybe..." I said, frowning to myself. I remembered how I'd gotten a little caught up in the moment. Unwisely so.
She looked at me with a disapproving and knowing look. "Yeah, that. Stick to your preparations. Don't go rogue again."
I didn't want to ask, but I had to. "Was it bad?" I whispered.
She was carefully minding her thoughts. "Talk to Carlisle. Be responsible. And things will work out."
I nodded, feeling more anxious now.
"So," I said, changing the subject. "How can I make it up to you?"
You can't.
"The wedding's still on. I didn't do any damage."
"Yes, thanks to Bella." You should know, my loyalties have changed.
I shrugged. "It's not the first time."
She knew what I was talking about. How, against my wishes, she'd told Bella how our kind are created. How she later promised to transform Bella herself.
"Really though," I pushed. "There's no way I can even start to make this up to you?"
"There's a couple things I've seen you'll be difficult about regarding the wedding. Let's start there."
"Okay. Whatever you want," I agreed. I couldn't think of anything she'd want me to do that would be objectionable.
"The wedding cake." She's going to feed you and you're going to eat it.
I wrinkled my nose, but she could see I would comply.
"And the toast." Sparkling cider since they're underaged, she thought to herself.
"That's not as bad," I muttered.
And the garter toss. Teeth not hands.
"Not that one." I shivered thinking about having my teeth that close to her skin.
"Yes, that one. I'm one-hundred percent certain you can do it." Plus, I know your evening plans. If you can do that, then you can do this.
I rolled my eyes, but she could see she'd won.
"Also, I get to do all the packing for the honeymoon."
I laughed. "Bella will love that."
"She'll thank me later," she replied confidently.
"Well, I appreciate it at least. I -"
"Want to keep the location a surprise."
"Right."
I had more than one motive in softening Alice up. There was something I wanted to do, but it would mean breaking one of Bella's rules.
Alice and Esme were at the dining room table just finishing up addressing invitations when I walked in.
"I need to make a change to the guest list."
"You're not caving on Tanya are you?" She searched ahead, never looking up from her work. "Oh, good. You're not."
Bella was less than thrilled Tanya was invited to the wedding knowing she'd once expressed interest in me.
"Wait is this about Seth? Thanks for that, by the way. I can tell he'll come because I have a blind spot now. Just what I need while working on my most important project of the twenty-first century..."
I'd suggested we invite Seth and his mother Sue to the wedding because I knew it would mean a lot to Bella to have a piece of that world - his world - present. But that was the lesser reason.
"No, it's not about Seth, but I'm surprised you're not on board given what it could mean for Charlie." Alice was quite fond of Charlie. While I found many of the man's quirks to be amusing - particularly those which he had passed on to his daughter - my affection toward him was mostly borrowed from Bella. He was important to her, so he was important to me. But to Alice he was more like a favorite uncle.
"What it would mean for Charlie?" Esme asked.
"Oh!" Alice had finally taken time to really focus on me, her interest piqued by Charlie's name. "Edward, that's perfect. I'll have him looking absolutely dashing. And wine! Yes, a little wine to loosen them up. I'll switch Billy and Charlie on the seating chart."
What is she going on about? Esme asked.
"There's a woman, Sue Clearwater - she's the wife of Charlie's friend who died the day Bella... and when I was down at La Push I noticed mutual interest between her and Charlie. I'm hoping that maybe if Charlie has someone, maybe..."
Maybe losing Bella won't kill him! Alice thought with an inappropriate degree of cheer.
"Right. But, about the guest list, I want you to add Jacob's name to Billy's invitation."
"Excuse me?" Alice exclaimed.
"Edward," Esme said softly. "That doesn't seem like the best idea."
"Bella specifically said she didn't want him on the list," Alice insisted. "And he's volatile, Edward! You know that. I'm not going to have some emotional teenage dog trashing my party."
"She didn't want to invite him because she didn't want to make him feel obligated or have her feelings hurt if he chose not to come. I plan to include a note letting him know there's no pressure and she won't know unless he does decide to come. Both problems solved.
She exchanged a worried look with Esme.
"If she'd chosen him, I would have wanted the same," I added quietly.
Alice sighed and slid a blank sheet of thick ivory paper across the table.
"I'm leaving for the post office in thirty minutes."
Jacob, I wrote.
I'm breaking the rules by sending you this. She was afraid of hurting you, and she didn't want to make you feel obligated in any way.
I paused. Would he think I was just gloating?
Maybe if I told him just what I had told Alice and Esme... he appreciated honesty.
But I know that, if things had gone the other way, I would have wanted the choice.
I promise I will take care of her, Jacob. Thank you - for her - for everything.
Edward
I didn't celebrate Jacob's suffering the way I celebrated Mike Newton's. I knew Jacob would have done anything to save Bella from the life I was condemning her too. Time and time again he'd put his heart and life on the line. My family's presence had robbed him of pure humanity, and I had robbed him of the girl who was likely his soulmate in that nullified destiny.
And she loved him. His happiness was tied to hers and therefore it was tied to mine. Just like Charlie's.
My sympathy, however, did not change the fact that her divided heart caused me pain. I still felt the sting of jealousy when she said his name in her sleep or when Charlie would mention Billy and she'd grow quiet.
Charlie usually knew better than to mention Jacob to her directly, so it surprised me one day when he did just that.
I was waiting for her up on her bed while she showered when Charlie finally got home. Bella had been a little worried about him - he didn't usually stay out this late - but he was at Billy's so I knew why she didn't call to check on him.
I heard him shuffling papers downstairs. He was anxious about something but I couldn't make out what.
Then I saw Jacob's face in his head. The image shifted as he looked down at something. It was still Jacob, but a little younger and with longer hair. An over-posed school picture under the words HAVE YOU SEEN THIS BOY?
Jacob could take care of himself. The only threat to him was my kind and Alice would have seen if there were others in the area.
Which meant I'd probably made a mistake.
"Dad?"
I cursed myself knowing she was about to get hurt. Again.
I heard her run and then stumble going down the stairs.
"You could have called. I was worried about you," she said, sour.
He watched her freeze as she caught sight of his face.
"Dad? What is it? What's wrong? Is Billy -"
"It's Jacob."
I heard her breath catch.
"Jacob?" She asked quietly. "Is he okay?"
"He ran away, Bells. I was down at Billy's all afternoon. Didn't see Jacob once - realized I hadn't seen him the last time I was there either. I finally asked Billy where he was when he didn't come home for dinner and that's when he told me - I don't think he would have said anything if I hadn't asked."
"He ran away," she said numbly, dropping into a chair at the kitchen table.
"Yup. Missing two weeks already and Billy hasn't reported it."
Two weeks ago. About the time the invitation would have arrived.
"I went straight up to the station and made these up." Charlie dropped a stack of the flyers on the table in front of her. She looked curiously for a second before quickly averting her eyes. "Faxed them to all the police stations in the area and checked the police reports to see if anything matched his description. Nothing yet," he said, sounding determined. "I headed back to La Push after that to drop off some flyers and Billy wouldn't take them. Said some nonsense like 'Jacob's grown up now. He'll come home if he wants to.'" He shook his head angrily.
"Anyhow, I'm going around putting these up tomorrow. I thought maybe you could take a few. See if Karen might put one up at the store? Maybe Reverend Weber wouldn't mind putting a couple up at the church. Places like that."
She stared down at the table, rubbing the back of her neck. "Dad, I think Billy's right. Jacob knows what he's doing."
That was different. In the past, if the boy so much as sighed she'd drop everything to go comfort him. Why did this new reaction make me so happy? I knew she was mine.
"Is this about Edward? You're engaged now. Is he really still that insecure?"
Insecure. That's why I was so happy.
"No," she said sharply, giving me more credit than I deserved. "This has nothing to do with that any of that. Jacob's not a kid. He'll be okay."
"He is a kid, Bella. A sixteen-year-old kid. Even if he does look like a thirty-year-old." I sensed his dissatisfaction as he looked down at the outdated photo on the flyer.
"Are you okay?" I asked when she climbed into bed.
"I'm fine." She wore a forced smile that was painful to look at. "Don't worry about that."
But I couldn't help it. Not when she begged him to come home in her sleep. Not when her eyes glistened if she caught sight of one of Charlie's ridiculous flyers around town. Not when I overheard her calling Seth for updates when she thought I was out of earshot.
Here I was hurting Bella and Jacob all over again. And Charlie and Billy, too, just for kicks.
I regretted not listening to Alice.
I didn't make the same mistake when it came to my greatest anxiety.
Carlisle suspected something was bothering me when I asked him to accompany me hunting despite the fact that his eyes were still a light gold. He willingly agreed to join me, though, no questions asked.
Too nervous to come right out with it, I waited until we were about to turn back home before I broached the subject. I leaned against a tree and he mimicked my pose against another.
He was patient, yet curious as I tried to find the right words.
"I need your help. Advice."
You look so troubled.
"I made a promise to Bella and I may have been a little rash in doing so," I said.
A promise?
"I guess more of a compromise."
This is about changing her? "I have complete confidence in you and your control, Edward."
"It's not about that." I looked off into the trees. "I need to apologize in advance. I think I may make you feel uncomfortable."
He chuckled. "Please, go on. Don't worry about my comfort." He could see I was embarrassed, which was unusual for me.
"Bella takes a very modern view of marriage. I think her parents' divorce scarred her and her mom always encouraged her not to rush into things. And there are societal pressures, too..."
He nodded and smiled. "That was very kind of her to adapt to your customs when the world she comes from is so different." But of course that doesn't surprise me, she is a very generous person. Very open.
"Yes," I agreed. "But she did ask something in return."
"Your compromise?"
"Yes."
And whatever it is she wants he was rash in promising. Something that will make me uncomfortable. Something he would want my advice on.
"She wants to be..." I hesitated, "intimate... before -"
Before he changes her.
"I agreed to try."
"Hmm." He took a deep breath and nodded. "Okay," he said thoughtfully.
For the briefest moment he was uncomfortable, but then his mind switched tracks, moving effortlessly into the safety of clinical thought.
He thought over the obvious first. Humans were our natural prey. The amount of control to be that close and that... affected and still resist. Edward is strong enough for that.
He knew of strange transformation I'd undergone believing Bella was dead. That I was no longer a slave to my instincts when it came to her alluring blood.
But to be so affected and control one's impulses, one's strength. Has it been done? Have I ever heard of such a thing?
He thought of my cousins. But that's not quite the same is it? Still, it's certainly no easy feat. But for him it would be more complicated. A male vampire with a female human...
He could only think of the incubus.
It's hunting. It's sadistic. Nothing to do with love. Only violence and destruction. And of course the women are never intended to survive.
I winced.
He noticed. "I'm sorry. Please give me a moment to process. I am a little surprised."
He's so overcautious with her. I'm surprised he'd ever agree to such a compromise. Though, I suppose once those hungers are awakened in our kind...
"That was part of it," I murmured ashamed.
I finally met his eyes. His face held more compassion for me than I deserved.
"You've done nothing wrong. There's no shame in having those longings."
But there is in acting on them, I thought. I looked away again.
Part of it? "Why don't you tell me the full story."
"She knows that once she's changed her greatest physical desire will be for blood. Right now, this is what she wants most. She doesn't want to wait until it's secondary."
Interesting. "She's certainly given this a lot of thought," he mused to himself. "That's quite compelling isn't it?"
"But it's too dangerous," I stated.
"I won't lie to you. It could be very dangerous for her. But if anyone could do it..." I've never seen control like yours before, Edward. I have faith in your ability.
"Do you?" I challenged. "I don't. I think I was hoping you would discourage me."
He laughed. "Were you looking for a doctor's note to take back to her?"
I smiled a little in spite of myself.
"I guess what I was looking for was, if I go through with this, what might help? Practically speaking."
"If? You would break your promise to her?" For the first time I felt his disapproval. "Plus, Alice is already in deep with wedding plans. Would she forgive you if you tried to call off the wedding again?"
I could read between the lines. He was encouraging me to fulfill my end of the compromise.
"Probably not. She hasn't even forgiven me for the last time yet."
"Well, then." He clapped his hands together. "Let's think about this practically."
Carlisle had a lot of good ideas. I mulled them over as we ran home, feeling very grateful Bella had stopped me that day in the meadow.
Maintaining my concentration in order to modulate my strength would be the biggest factor. He advised we go somewhere remote, given my special abilities. Total mental silence. He also encouraged common sense concerning... positions. But his best idea came to him a couple minutes later.
Water.
It would be safer for her if we remained vertical. Less risk of... crushing her. If we were in the water, she wouldn't depend on me to support her weight. I could let go if things got to be too much. One less place of contact and concentration.
The water had other benefits, too, I realized as I thought it over. Particularly concerning the senses. If enough light reflected off of the water, I wouldn't be able to see through it. Seeing Bella... the very idea was distracting.
There was also the fact that it would cut off the most alluring part of her scent while enhancing worst of it. The worst of it being her blood - the part that burned me. She smelled so much better in the rain, so I could only imagine how she would smell submerged. That could potentially be a distraction, but I tended to think it would help instead. The night I agreed to our compromise it was the burn that brought me back to myself.
When I explained that to Carlisle he saw potential in the idea, but also encouraged me to hunt before. We were at our sharpest when our bodies did not fear starvation.
We were just a few miles out from the house when something occurred to me.
He matched me as I slowed to a stop.
"What should I expect? Being... what I am?"
"It is a very powerful thing, like nothing else," he said seriously. "Physical love is not something you should treat lightly. With our rarely changing temperaments, strong emotions can alter us in permanent ways." He smiled. "But you don't need to worry about that part - Bella has already altered you so completely."
I had been asking more about the physical than the emotional. Whether we were physically compatible enough to evoke the same reactions that would occur between two humans or two of my kind. But I supposed, knowing how strongly Bella and I reacted to one another's touch in every other way, I already knew the answer.
"Can I ask you one more thing?"
"Anything."
"Will you be my best man?"
Things came together quickly after that.
Carlisle told Esme a little of my predicament and she joyfully offered up the private island Carlisle had given her. It was exactly the solution I'd been looking for. Privacy and isolation, water, endless outdoor activities to entertain ourselves if trying did or didn't work out.
Another perk, it would be sunny and warm just as Bella liked. I found pleasure in the idea that my body temperature would offer her relief rather than being a detriment for once.
I so rarely had the opportunity to spoil Bella. The planning brought me joy despite my anxieties. I managed it on my own for the most part, though Alice offered suggestions here and there.
One day, for example, I was on the phone with the housekeepers giving them a grocery list when Alice tapped me on the shoulder.
Her forehead was wrinkled in confusion. "More eggs. I just have a feeling..."
She wandered off in a daze. Odd as she was, I knew better than to ignore her whims.
Plus, I was new at cooking, learning a few new dishes every week with no feedback. Maybe eggs were my weakness.
"Why even bother with having a honeymoon now?" Emmett asked early one morning as he watched me obsess over a frittata recipe.
Only he and Jasper were home. Carlisle was at the hospital and the girls were on a hunting trip.
"Is she really that eager to spend two weeks tripping over her own feet hiking all over some desert island?"
I could hear his bitterness. Esme didn't trust Emmett and Rose with her island.
"I'll take her snorkeling, too," I responded, amused.
Jasper, sitting in the other room, snorted. I realized he knew too much. More than Emmett. It was hard to keep a secret in this family.
"Still, it seems like an awful lot of work."
He tilted his head. You know these eggs don't smell quite as bad as the rest of the garbage you've been making.
"Similar protein composition to blood. Want some?" I offered him the bowl.
He pretended to gag and I laughed.
"Of course they won't only be hiking and snorkeling," Jasper said, walking into the kitchen.
"What did I ever do to you, Jasper?" I murmured.
I need a cold shower every time I'm around you two, he complained, thinking over the past few weeks when Bella had spent long hours at the house learning as much as possible. And becoming as distracted as myself, apparently.
Emmett looked back and forth between me, now much too interested in slicing scallions, and Jasper smirking in the doorway.
"NO! No way! While she's human? Wait, have you guys already - ?"
"No, Emmett."
"Well, shit." He let out a booming laugh. "I underestimated you."
"You didn't," Jasper argued. "It was Bella's idea."
I sighed and Emmett started laughing again.
"I guess that shouldn't surprise me. So... do you want advice?"
I glared at him.
"What? I was popular with the human ladies back before that bear got me. I have highly relevant information."
"I'll pass."
"It's better now though. Quicker recharge, if you know what I mean." Unfortunately, hearing his very graphic thoughts, I knew exactly what he meant. "Nothing like it," Emmett mused.
"Well, other than human blood," Jasper corrected, seeing sex as a fairly close second.
"True," Emmett agreed. "But for a Cullen... good as it gets."
It didn't take long before they had a bet going. Emmett and Rosalie didn't think I'd go through with it. Alice and Jasper took the bet happily, their gifts suggesting I wouldn't back out.
So everyone in the family was privy to the most intimate aspects of my relationship and I was fortunate enough to be privy to all of their opinions about it.
Alice, who surely knew much more than she ever wanted to about my honeymoon, was somehow the easiest of my siblings to be around. She kept a rigid grip on her thoughts around the subject.
The day before the wedding she had me in front of the mirror in my tux. She looked over my reflection with narrowed eyes.
"Alice," I said, impatient to get back to Bella. "It's not like I've gained weight since the last time you had me try it on."
"Shh, go to your happy place," she ordered.
"I can't. You won't let me."
She gave me a look of death. "I don't want any trouble from you tomorrow. If you ruin this for me I will make your life a living hell."
"I'll be good," I grumbled.
"Good. Now shush."
I closed my eyes and smiled, imagining Isabella Swan in a white dress walking towards me on her father's arm.
"I miss you already," Bella pouted.
"I don't need to leave," I said, a little breathless. "I can stay."
"Mmm," she moaned softly.
I was lost in the sweetest music. Bella's overexcited heart hammered against my sensitive eardrums, accented by our ragged breathing and the whisper of our lips.
I left kisses down her neck, along her collar bone, back up again. My lips almost stung from the sensation.
I stopped my work, distracted by the peaceful expression on her face. The perfect translucent skin beneath her closed eyes was clear of shadows. There was no anxious 'v' between her eyes. The corners of her lips curled up slightly. If it weren't for the extra color in her cheeks, she would look as though she were sleeping.
I couldn't believe that this beautiful creature would be my wife in less than twenty-four hours. This beautiful creature who knew my most vile secrets and still loved me.
Her eyes opened and our gazes locked. I stared into her deep brown eyes wishing, as always, that I could read her every thought. Maybe then I could make some sense of how someone so good and pure could want to be with me. In one-hundred years, nothing had ever compared to the feeling of her unconditional acceptance.
She was my joy. Without her, I was nothing.
I felt the faint pressure of her hands urging my face back to hers and complied.
"Definitely staying," I murmured a moment later.
"No, no," she murmured. "It's your bachelor party. You have to go." Her hands seemed to disagree, one locking into my hair while the other pressed tighter against the small of my bare back.
"Bachelor parties are designed for those who are sad to see the passing of their single days," I argued when she moved her lips to my cheek. "I couldn't be more eager to have mine behind me. So there's really no point."
She dotted my jaw with kisses.
"True." She breathed against the skin of my throat.
Just that, her warm breath washing over my skin, was enough to momentarily scatter my thoughts. Just her breath while she was clothed and shapeless, concealed in a thick blanket.
She ran her hand down my chest and my eyes slid closed. Her fingers traced across the planes of my stomach. A light shudder rippled through me and my mouth was on hers again.
I felt the moist tip of her tongue against my lip. I squeezed my eyes tightly shut in pleasure as I wrangled with the animal who wanted to meet her tongue with his own.
I sighed and started to pull away.
"Wait," Bella pleaded, gripping my shoulders and hugging herself close to me. She kicked one leg free and wrapped it around my waist. "Practice makes perfect."
Bella had her own ideas for preparation. Though I questioned her motives, I initially thought her methods had merit. Wasn't it similar to how, in the beginning, I'd snuck into her room to burn? To desensitize myself to the scent of her blood?
But with this... lust, there was too much to desensitize to. Her arousing scent. Her sweet breath on my tongue. Her warm, roaming touch. Her delicate shoulders and her luscious lips. Her happy sighs.
No, the long exposure only made me more sensitive to these temptations. It didn't take me long to realize this strategy was flawed, but by that point I was addicted. I was the vampire of human mythology, longing for the night when I could take another hit of my drug.
I chuckled. "Well, we should be fairly close to perfection by this point, then, shouldn't we? Have you slept at all in the last months?"
"But this is the dress rehearsal and we've only practiced certain scenes. It's no time for playing safe."
I froze with stress. What she wanted from me - what I wanted from her, if I was being honest with myself - wasn't safe. What was I doing? What good would Carlisle's faith or Alice's vague reassurances do me if I hurt her? If I killed her?
I watched Bella's expression, once teasing, change into one of annoyance. This wasn't my first panic attack.
"Bella..." I whispered.
"Don't start this again," she said firmly. "A deal's a deal."
There were promises worth breaking.
"I don't know. It's too hard to concentrate when you're with me like this. I-I can't think straight. I won't be able to control myself. You'll get hurt."
"I'll be fine," she said dismissively.
"Bella..."
"Shh!" She pressed her lips to mine. I kissed her back, but my head was elsewhere, drowning in all of the horrible possibilities.
So acute was my anxiety that I found myself hoping she would back out on her side of the bargain. How was it possible that Alice hadn't scared her off?
How hadn't any of it scared her off? Why was she choosing this life? Why didn't she realize Jacob Black could offer her a better one?
I knew him well enough to know that the months of rejection would be forgotten the moment she showed up on his doorstep. He would hold nothing against her.
"How are your feet?" I asked.
"Toasty warm," she said, not missing a beat.
"Really? No second thoughts? It's not too late to change your mind."
Alice was going to kill me if she was paying attention.
"Are you trying to ditch me?" Bella playfully accused.
I chuckled. "Just making sure. I don't want you to do anything you're not sure about."
"I'm sure about you. The rest I can live through."
I hesitated. Miraculously, there was an angle, I'd yet to argue. I'd held it back very consciously out of self-preservation, but I needed her to hear it.
Maybe I could offer her intimacy. Maybe. But there was something I couldn't offer her. Something my rival could.
"Can you?" I asked quietly. "I don't mean the wedding - which I am positive you will survive despite your qualms - but afterward..." Too big a coward, I defaulted to my old arguments. "What about Renée, what about Charlie?"
She sighed. "I'll miss them." She said it seriously - I knew she'd put a lot of thought into this part.
"Angela and Ben and Jessica and Mike." Stand-ins for the name I would not hurt her by saying, for the boy she still claimed in her sleep. Her Jacob.
"I'll miss my friends, too." A mischievous smile spread across her face. "Especially Mike. Oh, Mike! How will I go on?"
I growled instinctively and she laughed.
"Edward, we've been through this and through this. I know it will be hard but this is what I want. I want you, and I want you forever. One lifetime is simply not enough for me."
"Frozen forever at eighteen," I whispered, getting closer to what I didn't want to say, but what I knew I must.
"Every woman's dream come true," she teased, not following my breadcrumbs.
"Never changing... never moving forward."
She frowned. "What does that mean?"
I answered slowly. "Do you remember when we told Charlie we were getting married? And he thought you were... pregnant?" I briefly remembered his vision of grandchildren - of our children - running in the yard.
"And he thought about shooting you," she guessed with a laugh. "Admit it - for one second, he honestly considered it."
I was too tightly wound to be touched by her humor.
She watched me, exasperated. "What, Edward?"
"I just wish... well, I wish that he'd been right."
"Gah," she gasped, looking far more repulsed than she had when I'd first proposed to her.
"More that there was some way that he could have been," I said, quickly interrupting her panic. "That we had that kind of potential. I hate taking that away from you, too."
She appeared deep in thought for a moment and I wondered if I'd gotten through to her.
"I know what I'm doing," she said finally.
"How could you know that, Bella? Look at my mother, look at my sister. It's not as easy a sacrifice as you imagine."
Esme and Rosalie suffered deeply, daily over what they could not have. Alice, locked in an asylum where she had undergone electroshock therapy, hadn't been molded by the same societal forces as Esme and Rosalie. As young single men at the time of our transformations, the rest of us were even further removed from such societal pressures. That was certainly the case for Emmett, Jasper, and myself. Perhaps in Carlisle there had been some longing for children, but whatever it was, I had fulfilled it.
Would Bella be more like the rest of us because she didn't want children at the point of her transformation?
But that didn't matter. Statistically speaking, she would likely want children one day if allowed to progress to that point. I would rob her of that realization and the resulting joy.
"Esme and Rosalie get by just fine." I shook my head as she spoke. "If it's a problem later, we can do what Esme did - we'll adopt."
I sighed. She was completely oblivious to their suffering, but I couldn't blame he for that. I could, however, blame myself. Because I did understand, at least to some degree, and I'd put this conversation off much too long.
"It's not right!" I said, my voice fierce. "I don't want you to have to make sacrifices for me. I want to give you things, not take things away from you. I don't want to steal your future." I closed my eyes. "If I were human - "
I felt her hand on my lips and I opened my eyes.
"You are my future. Now stop. No moping, or I'm calling your brothers to come and get you. Maybe you need a bachelor party."
She was right. Maybe. Irrational as it was she wanted me. Hadn't she proven that again and again? And I couldn't live without her.
This was the future she had chosen. I had a responsibility to make it the happiest one possible.
"I'm sorry. I am moping, aren't I? Must be the nerves."
Her eyes widened.
"Are your feet cold?"
"Not in that sense. I've been waiting a century to marry you, Miss Swan. The wedding ceremony is the one thing I can't wait - "
Oh, Eddie! Come out to play!
"Oh, for the love of all that's holy!"
The boss said you were trying to bail, Emmet added.
I saw Alice's agitated face in Jasper's thoughts. Does he not realize she needs sleep? Makeup only goes so far. Plus he needs to hunt.
"What's wrong?" Bella asked.
I gritted my teeth. "You don't have to call my brothers. Apparently Emmett and Jasper are not going to let me bow out tonight."
Bella clutched me closer for one second and then released me. "Have fun," she muttered glumly.
Hope you two are decent, Emmet thought as he scaled the front of the house.
He scraped his nails across the window causing Bella to shudder.
"If you don't send Edward out, we're coming in after him!" Emmett hissed, before dropping back down to the lawn.
"Go," Bella laughed. "Before they break my house."
I rolled my eyes but I was standing beside her bed, shirt on, in the next second.
I leaned down and kissed her forehead. "Get to sleep. You've got a big day tomorrow."
"Thanks! That's sure to help me wind down."
I felt very unready to leave her. The beautiful girl with the long flowing hair. The narrow bed and the rocking chair I'd spent so much time in they felt like mine, too. My sanctuary.
But there were better things ahead, I reminded myself. Thresholds we would cross together. No more sneaking through windows or fake sleepovers with Alice.
"I'll meet you at the altar."
"I'll be the one in white," she said, perfectly blasé.
I chuckled. "Very convincing."
Alright, I'm coming back up before you two start making out again.
I crouched. Passing through the little front window for the very last time, I launched myself at Emmett.
"Fuck!"
Fortunately the commotion didn't wake Charlie.
"You'd better not make him late," Bella murmured anxiously.
It seemed wrong to leave her alone when I knew tomorrow would be such a hard day for her.
Jasper dodged an attempted swipe from Emmett and popped up to her window. "Don't worry, Bella. We'll get him home in plenty of time."
I felt him force calm over all of us.
He watched her sit up with the funniest expression on her face.
"Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You're not taking him to a strip club, are you?"
"Don't tell her anything!" Emmett growled.
I smacked him on the back of the head. He tried to return fire but I was already on the tree branch above him laughing.
"Relax," Jasper told her, calming her further. "We Cullen's have our own version. Just a few mountain lions, a couple grizzly bears. Pretty much an ordinary night out."
She nodded to herself. "Thanks, Jasper."
He winked and dropped back down to join us.
I glanced at her dark window once more and then sprinted into trees.
I sat in the middle of the Jeep's backseat. Emmett wouldn't let me drive tonight.
I felt like I was missing precious time with Bella. One last night to watch her sleep in her bed while things were still simple, easy. It would be forty-eight hours before she would settle into sleep on a tiny little island in another hemisphere seven-thousand miles away. And at that point I would have either failed or succeeded at fulfilling Bella's demand.
"You excited for the big night?" Emmett asked.
"You know the big day is the main event, right?" I asked, annoyed.
"Not according to Bella from what I hear."
I growled.
"How's he doing, Jasper?"
"Ready to descend into a deep despair any minute."
"The boss is going to be unhappy." Get him away from Forks and don't let him come back early. No matter what, Alice had ordered as she shoved them out the door to kidnap me. Give him a good time.
"She doesn't really care if he has fun," Jasper argued. "She just doesn't want him to ruin her masterpiece."
"Well, I care. He's just going to spend the entire night moping," Emmett grumbled.
I tried to ignore them. I was thinking about Bella. Her pretty face. Those pretty lips. The funny expression she wore when she'd asked Jasper about what we planned to do.
I started laughing. Once it started it was hard to stop. And even then I couldn't get the ridiculous smile off my face.
Emmett was laughing too - at me.
What was wrong with me?
Ah.
"What the hell are you doing to me, Jasper?" I asked.
"Just thought I'd liven up the party a little."
"Oh, did you?" I responded with an inappropriate level of amusement.
Yes, I felt quite amused. Maybe silly, too. And ecstatic?
"Jesus. This amazing," Emmett said.
"Isn't it? I feel intoxicated," I mused.
"You're a genius, Jasper." Emmett shook his head. "Why didn't you do this in front of Bella?"
"He would have scared her off in this state."
"Probably," Emmett agreed. "Hmm... I wonder if anything could bring you down right now."
"Try it," I encouraged eagerly. I probably would have been happy to join in any game he proposed.
Emmett and Jasper shared a look, their thoughts deeply entertained.
"Okay, how about...?" Emmett sifted through his options.
"Changing Bella," Jasper offered.
"Well," I thought about it. "No that doesn't bother me at the moment, but I know it should."
"Jacob Black?"
"Not my problem anymore," I answered with a smile.
"The wedding night?" Emmett challenged.
I felt a horrible sinking feeling.
Jasper winced and forced a wave of calm over me while easing up on the other nonsense.
"Rose and I are going to win the bet," Emmett taunted when I didn't answer.
"You two are children," I said, feeling like myself again.
Emmett looked back at me and I heard his pity.
"You're overthinking it."
Easy for him to say.
"Think of how much you've already overcome," Jasper insisted. "You started drinking her blood and stopped. If you could do that, this will be a cakewalk."
"If we didn't believe that we'd be betting again on whether or not you'll kill her," Emmett teased.
"Helpful, Emmett," I muttered.
It was true that my greatest anxiety was hurting her, but, say my family was right and I could manage my strength just fine, there was still the matter of pleasing her.
I could read minds. I knew a lot of women were dissatisfied with their sex lives. Men tended to prioritize their own satisfaction. All I wanted was for Bella to be satisfied, but that only made my task that much harder.
Jeez, pull it together, man, Jasper thought detecting my strange emotional cocktail of anxiety and lust.
"You know the big day is the main event, right?" He asked throwing my own words back at me. "No point dwelling on the rest of it now."
He was right. Tomorrow would be one of the happiest days of my life. I was a fool to dwell in this dark place and miss one moment of joy.
I put my energy into being a better companion to my brothers and shoved the rest down into its simmering corner.
A/N: So, I wrote the part with Emmett and the eggs before I found out that Kellan Lutz is carrying around a bag of eggs in the cafeteria scene in the Twilight movie. I had heard some mention of Emmett and eggs before and could not remember anything about it from the books, so (worrying I was missing something canon) I googled it and realized it was something people have just recently noticed in the movie. You learn something new every day.
Thank you for all of your kind reviews!
Up next, the big day!
