It was almost midnight when Elliot walked into his empty apartment and collapsed on his couch, exhausted.
Fishing his phone from his pocket, he unlocked it to find a ton of missed texts from Liv & his kids.
He read through the messages from the kids; concern from the older crew and wanting from the younger.
Signing, he flipped to his thread from Liv and audibly groaned.
2:30pm
L: I wanna talk… I'm so sorry, El
L: This is really, really hard for me. And I don't know why…
4:30pm
L: Jack texted, on my way to get them. Can I please at least see you real fast?
5:00pm
L: Just parked… please El…
5:05pm
L: Oh wow… one fight in therapy and giving up for a younger model?
L: You always fucking run
L: Always
L: What the fuck Elliot
9:00pm
L: How many more times can you break my heart?
L: You're with her now, aren't you.
L: I should have called Ed.
He cursed under his breath and tossed his phone down, going to shower and change into sweats.
Pacing back and forth for a bit, he put his jacket on and made his way to her apartment, texting when he was outside of the door.
12:45am:
E: I'm here. Open up.
Waiting patiently, he heard nothing and, after five minutes, used his key to open the door.
He stopped dead in his tracks when he rounded the corner to the couch, finding Olivia straddling Ed.
They were still fully clothed, but fucking through their garments and kissing heatedly.
His keys dropping to the ground startled all three of them, and pair on the couch turned their attention to him, both shocked and confused.
"El," she mumbled, gasping.
His eyes were blank, and slowly and calmly, he made his way to her bedroom as she stood quickly.
"This is awkward," Tucker mumbled, rubbing his head uncomfortably. "I thought you two…" he trailed off as Liv tried to get her bearings.
"It's complicated," she finally whispered.
"Benson I really like ya but uh… you've got 8 kids and I don't wanna be the asshole who hurts them more," he said with a shake of his head. "Call me if things uncomplicated okay?"
With that, he left, leaving Liv in shock in the middle of her living room; frozen in place; panicked and ashamed of her behavior.
Elliot's return to the living room with long forgotten divorce papers and a pen made her lip tremble and her head shake quickly. "No… no, no, no, no… El," she said, louder than she meant.
Scribbling some version of his signature on the line next to his printed name, he moved to date the paper when the pen was pulled from his hand.
"Baby… baby no, no… please no…"
He ripped it back from her, scribbling a date and throwing both items down, before turning and searching for his keys.
"Elliot… Elliot please no I…" she was starting to cry, her breath coming hard and fast as their son's door opened from down the hall.
"Go back to bed," El's voice boomed, but Noah shook his head, coming out and wrapping his arm around his broken mom. "No… dad what are you…" he trailed, looking down at the papers on the floor.
Jack came out next, rushing over to his crying mom and looking down at the papers just like his brother had, and then back to his father with anger in his eyes.
"Does mom's happiness mean nothing to you?!" He yelled, his temper finally getting the best of him.
"John," Olivia warned through sobs she was trying to control.
Jack approached his dad who was walking away from him and put a hand on his shoulder.
Spinning quickly, Elliot towered over his son, making Noah and Liv gasp.
Flinching ever so slightly, Jack looked at him, clearly realizing he overstepped and preparing to be yelled at.
"No Jack," Elliot said, very calmly with a shake of his head. "Her happiness means everything to me. Everything. And the more I think about this, the more we talk… I realize that I'm never gonna make her happy. Ever. And I'm doing her a disservice, and you kids too, but trying to force a puzzle piece that won't fit," he said, his voice breaking as Jack's lip quivered.
Elliot started to walk away again before swiftly turning back. "I ruined our marriage because I was selfish," he said, looking past his boys and directly at Olivia. "I was selfish because I was stupid and was taught that men don't cry… don't deal with their feelings. Don't go to therapy. Just work and work and provide for their family and get past it. I realized too damn late that that was all bullshit," he said, tears forming in his eyes. "And when I realized that and got my head on straight? I made the decision to walk through fire for that woman if she asked me," he said, pointing right at her.
She was hyperventilating then, and Noah was desperately trying to calm her down as Jack face turned red from sadness and anger.
"So when she asked me to leave? I left, because her happiness and peace needed for once to come first. And now? When she's so unhappy and is so hurt by me that…" he trailed off and shook his head. "I'm walking away again, not because I don't love her or you guys or want us to be a family, but because I love her so fucking much that I really don't care about what happens to me or my feelings. Cause as long as she's happy…. Fuck it." He finished, exhaling a big breath.
The room went silent… so silent a pin drop would echo for minute.
It was a deafening silence that was broken only by Jack's intense sob as he double over into his dad's stomach, weeping inconsolably.
He wrapped his arms around his boy and sunk to the floor with him, holding him tightly. "I'm sorry… I'm so sorry, Jack," he whispered through his own tears. "Jack I'm so sorry. I've tried. I've tried so hard. But it's not meant to be…"
"Daddy," he sobbed, his breaths and sobs coming out in loud hiccups.
Max was awake now, and made his way out to the source of the commotion.
Liv pushed Noah towards him and sunk to the floor, hugging Jack, too.
Noah forced the still very sleepy Max back into his room and shut the door, remaining in there with him while El and Liv worked to get Jack under control.
Sitting fully, El practically pulled him into his lap, rocking back and forth with him while Liv rubbed his arm and cheek, speaking softly to him.
The clock read half past two when they finally got his tears to stop and his breaths to even.
"Jack… let's get you to bed," El whispered, but he shook his head quickly and gripped his shirt. "Dad… don't leave me," he croaked.
"I won't… let's just… sit on the couch okay?"
Nodding, he allowed his dad to help him up and sit him down. He fell across his lap, his eyes closing almost immediately while El rubbed his hair.
Liv sat slowly on the coffee table in front of him.
"It's for the best," he whispered.
"No it's not," she said, her lip shaking lightly.
"Yes… for me… for our kids, Liv… it is."
"No… El no please," she whispered, big tear drops falling again.
"I can't be… I can't be your toy anymore. I can't be this person for you to use… but get nothing in return I…" he trailed off and shook his head, silent tears dropping.
"Elliot…" she said breathlessly, gripping his hand tightly.
He slowly pulled himself from Jack's grip and stood before her.
"I can't be… I can't be your number 2 anymore… when you've always been my number one," he said finally, his whole body shaking with quiet sobs.
"I can't be this demon in your memories and mind and stories when I've been here and proved myself. I can't Liv. It's not fair."
She stood and gripped his hands, her breaths coming in short and fast pants again. "You're not… you're not you're… you're my world Elliot, my person… you," she was about to enter a full blown panic attack when he ushered her quickly to her room before she lost it and rewoke the boys.
Collapsing on the bed, her whole body shook as she gasped for air and whispered to herself. Her eyes had glazed over and she was grasping frantically at her shirt, trying to get space between it and her chest.
Her knelt between her legs, and put his large hands on her cheeks, forcing her to face him. "Breathe, Liv…"
She couldn't, and when she fully was unable to catch her breath, he climbed on the bed and pulled her between his legs, laying her against his chest and hugging her tightly.
"I'm here… s'ok… I'm here… breath… match my breathing…"
"C-can't… I can't," she sobbed. "I can't… I…"
"You can… I need you to try."
He was quiet and calm, and his strong arms squeezed her tighter, head burying in the crook of her neck. A shiver coursed through his body at how quickly her heart was racing and he gently brushed back her hair, playing softly with it how she liked.
"I'm here… Liv you have to calm down… I need you to calm down…"
She sucked in several deep breaths, trying to being oxygen in that she so desperately needed.
"There you go," he whispered. "There you go… come on… you're alright. I've got you. I've always got you, even when you think I don't."
It took another 20 or so minutes before her breathing was even, broken only by residual sobs every so often.
She was limp against him.
Broken. Exhausted.
Her head hurt and so did her heart.
The room was quiet but her thoughts were loud, and he heard them like he always did.
"Stop," he whispered. "You need sleep. The rest can wait."
"Please stay with me…" she whispered.
"I'm here…"
"Hold me," she asked softly.
"I'm here," he repeated.
They remained still, and he laid her back, holding her close to his chest, his grip on her never loosening.
The sun was streaming through her window when she finally woke up.
She was alone in her bed, and jumped up quickly when she realized it was much later than she anticipated.
Her eyes landed on her clock on her nightstand that read noon, and fell next to the pieces of their divorce papers that were ripped in two beside it, a pen resting on top of familiar handwriting that adorned the back.
Liv,
Called you out of work.
Max didn't hear much last night, so he is with Mo and the little twins.
Liz took Jacky and Noah is with Eli blowing off steam.
When you want to talk… give me the chance I've worked so hard to earn… I'm all in.
I've always been all in.
Until then… I love you.
-El
