Chapter 3

Several days passed in a similar fashion. I was distracted in most everything I did, and Obi-Wan kept turning up in my quarters. I had another meeting with the counsel that went far better than the last one. I managed to keep my mouth shut, although I know they knew what I was really thinking. I was given instructions to spend a lot more time meditating and sorting out my emotions and less time keeping busy to avoid them. This was doubly difficult since I have trouble staying still and thinking on a good day.

I was also becoming accustomed to Obi-Wan spending most of his free time in my quarters. He just turns up and sits and stares at my father's chair. More often than not he stays until after I've gone to bed. Last night he fell asleep on the floor where he had been meditating. I found him there this morning when his apprentice woke me up trying to find him.

I invited Anakin in and told him to wake Obi-Wan while I got some breakfast together for the three of us. We sat at the table together and picked our way through breakfast. Well, Obi-Wan and I did, Anakin shoveled his meal down. Once we had all finished eating we headed our separate ways. Me to meet my master, Anakin to his classes, and Obi-Wan to meet with the counsel.

My day was much the same as every other day since I learned of my father's death. I wasn't able to focus during force training, my mind would not clear for meditation, and I was pushing myself too hard during all my physical workouts.

It was late afternoon, after I had finished my days training, that Obi-Wan came to find me in the Room of a Thousand Fountains. I sensed his unrest immediately.

"What's wro…" I began, but he cut me off.

"They're sending me to Naboo for the peace celebrations." He spat out as he flopped onto the ground next to me.

"What?" I said stupidly, taken aback by the range, and amount, of emotion I was feeling from him through the force.

"The counsel is insisting I go to Naboo to take part in their peace celebrations." He was starting to sound angry. "I don't want to go."

"Did they give you an option?" I was trying to figure out how to handle this knowing I would most likely not want to go either if I were in his shoes.

"They said Anakin and I had to be ready to leave in the morning. I'm not going." He sounded quite final when he said this.

I gritted my teeth and hoped for the best. "Ben, you have to go."

"I don't have to do anything." He snapped.

"You know they have their reasons. You can't go against the counsel." I really had no idea what to say. I wouldn't want to go either. I needed to buy some time to think. "This isn't the place to discuss this. Why don't we go back to your quarters and talk there?" He nodded his head, jumped up and stormed off. I followed, my mind working like crazy to figure out what to say next.

We reached Obi-Wan's quarters in record time. The door slid shut behind me and there was a tense silence. I could sense his anger rising. Anger had always been his biggest struggle. I figured it was best to get this over with, "Are you going to pace around until your anger overwhelms you, or are you going to talk?" I knew it wasn't a sensitive approach, but I also knew it would get him to talk.

" I am not going back there! How can they think I would!" He paused and spun around to look at me. I opened my mouth to speak, but he started ranting once again. "'Go back to Naboo you must' he says! Why? They don't need me there!" Obi-Wan went on like this for several minutes before finally sitting down with a huff.

"Are you done? Can I actually say something now?" I said rather sternly. I got a curt nod in response. "The counsel wouldn't send you if they didn't think it right. There has to be a reason. As for taking Anakin with you, he's your apprentice now, his place is with you." He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. "I'm not finished yet. Have you thought about anything, or anyone, other than yourself? Obi-Wan, you are a wise man, and you were taught by one of the best and wisest Jedi. You know the request is not ludicrous, and you know your reaction is wrong." At this, he dropped his head into his hands and exhaled loudly. "I know, and understand, why you don't want to go to Naboo. I agree you should go though." By the time we had finished talking, it was quite late and I excused myself and headed back to my own quarters to go to bed.

My thoughts had been so clear while I was talking to Obi-Wan. My mind hadn't been that calm since before this all began. I began to contemplate these thoughts. Perhaps it was my sense of duty to help my friend, or was it his anger that provided just enough distraction from my own thoughts. This thought led to thinking about why Obi-Wan was angry, which led back to my father being dead, and so ended my temporary peace of mind.

I had only been back in my quarters long enough to take off my boots and tunic when I heard my main door open. I had sensed Obi-Wan coming, so I shut the door to my bedroom just before he opened the main door. I had had enough for one night and didn't want to talk to him any more. I stood motionless, hoping he would assume I had gone to sleep and leave. No such luck though. I heard him walk over to the couch and sit down. I sat down on the floor and tried to clear my mind to meditate. I was beginning to get frustrated when I heard Obi-Wan get up and head down the hall toward my room. My eyes snapped open and all I could think was please don't come in here. He didn't. He sat down on the floor outside my door with his back against my father's bedroom door. He blocked his thoughts and emotions from me at this point. I assumed he was meditating, and resumed my attempts at doing the same. This time my mind was clear and I was able to meditate properly for the first time in almost a week. It was sometime later when I crawled into bed. I could still feel Obi-Wan sitting in the hall, but like on that first night when he returned, I felt comforted by his presence and did not want him to leave.

When I awoke the next morning, Obi-Wan was gone. There was a note from him on the kitchen counter:

Brynn-Te,

I wanted to thank you for talking some sense into me

last night. Anakin and I have left for Naboo and will

be back in five days. I owe you one.

O.

I left the note on the counter, grabbed a cup of coffee and a muja muffin and sat at the table to check my data pad for my schedule for the day. Once finished my breakfast, I headed off to meet my master in a meditation room.

"Good morning Master," I greeted him as I entered.

"Good morning padawan." His reply almost sounded like a question. I could sense through our bond that he was concerned about the day ahead going the same as the past several.

Although I had had success the night before, I was not convinced I would be able to meditate again this morning. I sat across from my master and closed my eyes. He had already fallen into a deep meditation, which he did not stir from for just over an hour. During that time I struggled to quiet my mind. I wasn't able to get anywhere.

My day continued in this manner. Force training did nothing but frustrate me beyond belief, and my physical workout was one mishap after another. I was relieved to finally have my lightsabre in my hand at the end of the day. As always it felt comforting and right. Unfortunately, this lesson was cut short when my master declared that I wasn't "using the force as a guide, you are using your emotions". How dare he suggest I am not fighting properly! The thought was out in the open before I had a chance to block it from Master Bondara.

"Be mindful of both your thoughts and emotions my young padawan." He said this quite sternly. "You are not yourself. That is enough for today." He added, turning away from me and gathering his cloak.

"Master, I'm sorry. I did not mean for you to hear that." I tried to apologize.

He turned to me with a sort of sadness in his eyes, "That you thought such a thing is the problem Brynn-Te, not that I heard it." I was feeling horrible for the whole thing now. "Now go, I will see you in the morning."

"Yes master," I said simply and headed to my quarters.

Back in my quarters I paced each room for several minutes thinking about everything that had happened in the last week. My frustration with not being able to train properly was growing exponentially. Then I began to think about my father. I realized I was angry about his death. I was angry that he and Obi-Wan had to face a Sith Lord alone. Most of all, I was angry the Sith had killed him.

I stopped pacing at this thought. Anger, that's not like me. Then I remembered the anger I had sensed from Obi-Wan when the Sith killed my father. The emotion boiling in me now, I force threw a small table across the room into a wall. As it crashed to the floor, I sank to my knees and closed my eyes. I focused my mind and fell into a deep meditation. I came out of it shortly after when I heard a tapping on my door.

I opened the door to see Master Yoda standing there. "Hello Master," I know I sounded surprised.

"Brynn-Te," He said in greeting as he entered my quarters. "Sense unrest in you I do, young one." He noticed the shattered table and shook his head.

"Yes Master," there was no need to hide anything, including my annoyance with his referring to me as 'young one' (I'm 21 years old for Force's sake!). Master Yoda would see through it. "I was just trying to meditate when you arrived."

"That is good, but meditate on the correct things you must." This confused me slightly, until, after a long pause, he continued. "Meditate on your emotions, you must. Not with them."

"I understand, Master." This wasn't quite a lie. I sort of understood what he meant, I just wasn't sure what I had done before.

"Get some rest, young Jinn. A challenging day you have tomorrow." I knew he was referring to my difficulties with training and I bowed to him in farewell as the door closed between us.

It was a strange visit. He had not stayed long, nor had he said much and I was not sure about what it all meant. I had finally been able to meditate again, and here he was telling me it wasn't right. Thinking about all this was exhausting me. I finally gave up and went to bed.

The next morning, I went to meet my master in a training room. To nobody's surprise, the day went horribly like every other in the past week. The only difference was that it was slightly worse. By the time we got to sabre technique at the end of the day, I could feel a cold hollowness within myself. I attributed it to the frustrations of the day. As we spared, I felt the feeling growing.

"That's enough, padawan." Master Bondara said as he extinguished his lightsabre. "You are fighting with anger."

"I do not mean to Master." I was somewhat surprised to hear this, since I really hadn't realized it.

"Take a moment to control your thoughts and emotions, then we will try again." At this I closed my eyes and tried to rein in my thoughts. When I opened my eyes, my master spoke again. "Okay, let's do it again," he said as he ignited his sabre.

We sparred for only a few more minutes before Master Bondara stopped once again.

"What is it Master?" I just wanted to continue it was making me feel better.

"You are still fighting with anger, letting the emotion over take you." He shook his head as he spoke.

"I'm sor…." I began, but was cut off.

"Sorry, I know. That is becoming your favorite line." I sensed his frustration and deep concern. "You must get control over this Brynn-Te. This anger is clouding your mind and leading you away from the path you have been on all these years." There was a great sadness in my master's eyes and I sensed immense concern. I was taken aback by all this. How could I have not seen this on my own?

Master Bondara dismissed me and I headed to my quarters where I resumed my pacing from the night before. The only difference being that I didn't throw anything around on this night. I did, however, once again fall into a deep meditation. When I opened my eyes a long while later, I felt rested and surrounded by a cloud. I went and got myself something to eat then went to bed.

I awoke the next morning feeling rested and hungry. I ate breakfast and headed off to a training room to meet my master. This day was going to go much better than the last several, I could feel it. Our physical workout was great and I was ready for the rest of the day.

I was able to meditate, and my force training was as good as ever. The only low point in the day was having to do research for a friend of Master Bondara's. All that was left for the day was sabre technique. I couldn't wait.

My lightsabre once again felt perfect in my hands. We had barely begun when my master stopped. "Brynn-Te, focus."

"What?" I was confused. I thought I was quite focussed and fighting well.

"Your emotions are in control. Clear your mind and let's try again."

"Yes Master." I was still a bit confused because I really didn't feel as though my emotions were at play at all. I closed my eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, and assumed my sparring position.

We began again. Master Bondara made the first move and I countered, then attacked. It wasn't long before he stopped again. He extinguished his lightsabre and shook his head. "That is enough," he said and put his robe back on.

"Master?" I was very confused now. I felt my focus was complete and my movements accurate.

He did not look at me, but shook his head again and said, " I fear I am losing you Brynn-Te, your anger has complete control over you." Before I could speak, he continued. " I am going to see Master Yoda. You will find yourself a meditation room and try to sort this out."

I was at a total loss. I could not understand why my master was reacting this way. I knew I felt anger, but I had focused it and controlled it. "Yes Master," was all I could say and I put on my own robe and parted ways with Master Bondara.

As I stormed about the temple looking for an empty meditation room, all I could think about was how much I wanted to speak to my father. He would be able to help me, of that I was sure. I finally found a vacant room, went in and slammed the door shut. I flopped down and tried to figure out what I was supposed to be doing. The more I thought, the more frustrated I became. My mind was screaming and, before I knew it, I was screaming. Fortunately, all the meditation rooms at the temple are sound proofed to allow for uninterrupted meditation.

After screaming myself hoarse, I sat in silence starring at the dark wall in front of me. It wasn't long after that I heard the door slide open and turned to see Master Yoda. "Master." I said as I jumped to my feet and bowed in greeting.

"Sit young Jinn." He gestured for me to sit on the floor as he got comfortable on the meditation bench. I sat back down on the floor and starred at my hands trying to sort out how I felt. "A problem, we seem to have." I opened my mouth to speak but Yoda raised a hand to silence me. "Time to listen. Much emotion I sense in you. Sadness and confusion have been troubling you, but it is the anger you have building within which troubles the counsel." Again, I tried to speak only to be silenced once again. I could feel my blood begin to boil at this. "I sense it rising in you as we speak. Get control of this situation, we must."

I took a deep breath, realizing that Master Yoda was right. My anger had been building as he spoke to me, but when I asked myself why, I had no answer. "Yes, Master," I said quietly. He did not speak right away, so I took the opportunity to ask him a question that had been on my mind since my master had left me in the sparring room earlier. "Master, why hasn't Master Bondara spoken to me about this?" Even I heard the anger in my question.

"His own reasons he has for asking my assistance. You need not concern yourself with that right now." His answer both angered and confused me. "It is you we will focus on right now. Tell me, Brynn-Te, what are you feeling?"

I looked at Master Yoda in the eyes for the first time since he had first entered the room. "I don't know." It was a half-truth. My emotions were so muddled in my mind; I was having trouble sorting them out.

"Find out, we shall."

"I don't understand why my master is not the one here with me," I started.

"Told you I have. It is not for you to be concerned about right now. Focus. Now tell me, what is it you are feeling?"

"I don't know. I suppose mostly I'm feeling frustrated." I was really having trouble figuring out what I felt.

Our conversation went on like that for more than an hour. We picked apart each emotion I mentioned until it was resolved. Finally, we reached the emotion which, according to Master Yoda, I had been denying and fueling the most. Anger. Initially, I was so consumed by this emotion that I began to yell at Master Yoda.

"Have you finished? Stop to breath, you must." He quickly interjected when I paused. His calm tone did nothing but fuel the fire. I jumped to my feet and continued to yell. I got so angry; I flipped my robe back and was about to take hold of my lightsabre when it flew from my belt to Master Yoda's hand. I stood motionless and stunned, partly because of what had just happened, but mostly because in that instant I saw what had been gradually happening to me since my father's death.

I flopped back onto the floor. "No," I said in almost a whisper. "Master, I don't….I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me." I was barely able to speak.

"Anger," he said simply as he lay my lightsabre on the floor between us. "It is this that we must focus on and resolve. Tell me why you are angry."

I truly didn't know where this anger had come from. I wasn't angry with anyone or anything that I could think of. I was struggling for words, knowing Master Yoda would not accept this answer. I shook my head and shrugged my shoulders as I thought.

"Pin-point anger's source, we must." For a moment I had forgotten that Master Yoda would have read my thoughts. "Is it your father's death?"

"No, Master, there is no anger there. Sadness, yes, as we already discussed, but not anger."

"What about his padawan?"

"Definitely not. Obi-Wan thought of his master as his father. I know he did everything in his power to get to my father and help him."

We went on like this for a while. Was I angry at the Sith, the counsel, the Trade Federation, the Senate, and so on. I wasn't in any way angry at anything Master Yoda mentioned. I had been angry with the Sith right after it happened, but had dealt with that right away. I was beginning to get frustrated again. Where is this anger coming from? I've never had trouble with this emotion before. Obi-Wan is the one who has trouble with anger.

At my last thought, I saw Master Yoda's eyes widen and ears twitch. "Tell me, young Jinn, when did you last see Kenobi?"

"The night before they left to go back to Naboo." Now I was even more confused. What did that have to do with anything?

"His feelings at that time, what were they?"

"He was angry at first. He didn't want to go back to Naboo, but by the end of our conversation he was alright and understood why he had to go." Still confused as to why we had suddenly changed the subject to Obi-Wan, I was about to ask Master Yoda why the subject had changed when he spoke.

"These feelings of anger you have, they are unpredictable and confusing to you, are they not?" I had absolutely no clue where this was going now.

"Yes, Master. It's like it hits me and I don't know what has happened until it passes." We discussed this for only a few more minutes before Yoda insisted I meditate with his assistance. I could feel his force signature within my meditation. I knew he was searching every inch of my mind and the force within me. Normally, this would not be something done by anyone but a master and padawan, but I knew it had to be done. We had to get to the bottom of this.

When we had finished meditating, Master Yoda opened his eyes, nodded, and said "How do you feel now?"

"Better, Master." I answered. "But, Master, I can still feel the anger. I don't understand."

"Know where it is coming from, do you?" I shook my head in answer. "Hmm. Continue to work on this, we will. For now, rest. Tomorrow you will meet with your master in the Master's sparring room. Contact you with a time, he will." I nodded and we went our separate ways.

When I got to my quarters, I grabbed a quick snack, then jumped in the shower. Once I dressed and tidied the place up a bit, I sat on my bed and decided to try to meditate on my own. It worked, so I tried to focus on the strange anger I was feeling. I could feel myself getting close to it, then Obi-Wan would appear and I couldn't get any farther. It was like there was a darkness beyond him, and he would not let me go any farther. I came out of my meditation more confused still. I stood and walked to my bedroom door, opened it and stood staring at my father's bedroom door. I could use your help right now daddy. I don't understand what is going on inside me. I need to figure out where this anger is coming from. I'm not angry with anyone or anything. I knew I wasn't going to get an answer, but there was a part of me that was expecting to hear one. I turned and went to bed.