A/N: This is mid-Eclipse through the end of Breaking Dawn from Edward's perspective. Thanks for reading!

These characters are not mine and all belong to Stephenie Meyer.


TW / / suicide


Assisted Suicide (Breaking Dawn)

Bella pressed her hand to her stomach again. Over the growing bomb in her womb.

"Do you feel all right?" I asked.

"Yes," she answered, not looking at me. She moved her hand to her leg and clenched it into a fist.

"They're all coming to pick us up. Alice, Esme..."

Since we'd left the island, Bella only spoke if I spoke to her first. She was angry with me. For endangering her. For putting her body through what she had always considered to be a humiliation.

So I had hoped knowing that she would soon see my sister and mother would be a comfort to her, but she only blushed.

"I can call them when we land. Ask them to leave if - "

"It's fine." She bounced her leg restlessly as we made our final descent.

Her mood had me holding my tongue. I resisted telling her that everything would be resolved soon. That within twelve hours that thing would be out of her and, if she was amenable, she would be on her way to becoming a vampire.

Now that I had nothing to offer her to keep her human, I doubted she would be interested in Dartmouth. And on that front, I felt we were finally on the same page. With her human, it didn't matter if we lived together or apart, I was always finding new and creative ways to endanger her life. This horror, beyond anything I could have possibly imagined, was the final straw. We'd decided to be together so changing her was the only way forward.

Or perhaps I'd finally found the one thing that was too much. Truly frightened her as I always expected I would.

Her cold silence, though deserved, was excruciating. I had taken her easy forgiveness for granted and this time I had finally pushed things too far. Only eighteen days as a vampire's wife and already her life was one of science fiction.

I could hear my family's thoughts as we walked towards baggage claim. Carlisle and an agitated Alice mentally rehearsing what would unfold over the next few hours. Emmett and Esme worrying about Bella and I. Jasper worrying about the thing - imagining it as volatile as a newborn, but even more unthinking. Faceless. Brainless. Rose was remembering her and Emmett's last European vacation... Well, she was here - that was impressive in itself.

"We'll ride with Carlisle," I told Bella.

Her hand dropped to her stomach.

"Just in case..." I imagined the pale creature. Skeletal yet strong. Spider-like hands as deadly as its teeth, clawing through her abdominal wall. "But mostly for efficiency's sake. I'm sure he'll have a lot of questions. Then when we get to the house he can examine you straight away. That may be... uncomfortable. And I'm sorry about that. So sorry. I know all of this is the last thing you ever wanted - "

"Edward," she whispered.

We were almost to the guarded exit, but I stopped to search her face. There was life in it again and a stubborn tilt to her chin.

"I love you. Everything's going to be fine."

I sighed in relief. "I swear to you, it will be." I hadn't realized how badly I'd needed her comfort. Coupled with my family waiting not thirty yards away, it made me feel hopeful.

She put her hand to my cheek. When I leaned down to kiss her she crushed her lips fiercely to mine for one second and then dropped down from her tiptoes.

She took a deep breath and started forward.

We passed through the double set of glass automatic doors and there they were, standing much too still behind all the other waiting families.

I met Alice's eyes first.

I'm so sorry. I -

I shook my head. The apology was unnecessary. Her sins were nothing on mine.

Esme was watching Bella. Noticing her hand on her stomach.

Edward, Carlisle thought. Everything is ready. This will be over soon. He ran through the plan for me again.

I squeezed through the last of the crowd, Bella right behind me.

Five vampires exhaled. All except -

Bella dropped my hand and ran straight into Rosalie's waiting arms.

Bella... Oh, thank God. It's all going to be okay now. I've got this. I've got this. Rosalie hugged her close.

I stared stunned with the rest of my family.

"Rosalie, what's going on?" Alice demanded, on edge and blind.

I'm not going to let you touch her, Edward.

Of course I wouldn't hurt Bella. And why would Rose worry about that? And why would she of all people assume the role of protector? "Rose, what - ?"

And then I heard Bella's phone-distorted voice in Rosalie's head.

"Rosalie, it's Bella. Please. You have to help me."

In an instant I understood. "You want to keep the baby."

"Yes," Bella whispered. "I don't know what to do. He wants to hurt him." There was agony in her voice. "I'd never be able to convince Edward to let me..."

No, you'd never never let her. Though it's her own child. Her own body.

"He can't know, Bella. If he even suspects that you - "

"He'll be back any second - he could hear me." She sounded desperate.

"Don't say another word. Just listen. I will be there at the airport. Come straight to me and don't dilly dally - I can only guard my thoughts for so long. And Bella. After we hang up, hand him the phone - he'll be suspicious if it's not in the exact spot he left it."

"I will rip your throat out, Rosalie." My voice was low, but she could hear it. "I will watch you burn." A growl started to build in my chest as I glared into her amber eyes.

Abruptly my body was jolted. Jasper pulled me into what looked like a side hug as he forced calm into my system. Carlisle gripped my other arm.

I could have fought them off. I was sure of that. The bloodlust was strong.

But Jasper's influence allowed me just enough rational thought to paralyze me with indecision.

Emmett was in front of Rosalie and Bella now. What the hell, Edward?

"Move," Jasper ordered my wide-eyed family members through his teeth, clenched tightly in his efforts.

Our procession didn't stop until we reached the Mercedes in a quiet corner of the parking garage.

"Rosalie? Edward? What's going on?" Carlisle demanded.

Bella met my furious eyes for one second, before quickly looking away, her heart pounding.

"You're not going to lay a hand on that baby, Carlisle," Rosalie snarled.

Alice hissed.

"That's no baby, Rosalie," Jasper snapped. "Now let Bella go."

"This is Bella's choice. I'm merely protecting that choice."

"Stop lying, Rosalie," Alice growled.

"Bella called me." Rosalie jerked her head towards me where I stood glaring at her, beyond words. "He knows."

"Bella?" Carlisle looked at my wife where she stood trembling under Rosalie's protective arm.

Her voice, defiant, did not match her meek exterior. "I'm keeping the baby." Her hands folded over her stomach.

It was jarring hearing her say it outside of Rosalie's head. I felt cold.

Keeping it? Carlisle thought. Doesn't she understand? Edward, didn't you explain it to her?

"I was trying not to scare her," I whispered, horrified.

"I'm not doing this naively," Bella said, her jaw set. "I understand the risks."

"Bella, you don't," I said, holding her gaze.

"We can't have this conversation here," Carlisle interrupted. "We need to get home. Alice and Jasper can drive the Volvo home. Bella and Edward will ride with Esme and I."

Carlisle deeply regretted not speaking to Bella personally earlier. He would remedy the situation now.

"I don't think so," Rosalie said, wrapping her other arm around Bella so she was hugging her again. "Where she goes, I go. She's coming with Emmett and I."

"No, she's not," I said flatly.

"This really isn't up to you anymore, Edward," Rosalie said. She raised her eyebrows. "Your part's done." Good job, by the way.

I growled, showing my teeth. Jasper and Carlisle tightened their hold on me.

"Rose," Emmett muttered. "What are you doing? Is this what you meant earlier?" I could hear her nervous voice in his head.

"You said you have my back," she said sharply.

"I won't let anyone hurt you," he said. His thoughts made clear this was a qualification.

Bella didn't miss that. "Please, Emmett," she begged. Her watery eyes hit him right in the gut.

I swear to you, Edward, I do not know what the hell is going on. Emmett just wanted this nightmare to be over like every other rational member of my family.

"Okay, Rosalie," Carlisle said, desperate to get us out of the public eye and on our way home. "You and Bella will come with Edward and I."

"No."

"She doesn't trust us," I told him. "And she wants Bella alone so she can brainwash her some more."

"I haven't been brainwashed," Bella said angrily. "And I want to go with Rosalie and Emmett. We'll go straight to the house."

"Bella, I'm not going to be apart from you," I said tensely. "Not right now. Not like this."

Edward, Esme thought. "I'll go with Bella. I'll keep her safe." You know I would defend my daughter with my life.

"I trust Esme," Bella told Rosalie.

Her words made it clear to everyone who she did not trust.

Carlisle sighed before looking Emmett in the eye. "Straight to the house. Go now."

"Carlisle!" I protested.

"Getting to the house is the priority. We'll sort it out there."


Thirty-seven seconds. According to my call log, that's how long it had taken for Rosalie to get the upper hand. If I'd just remembered the damn phone...

"We don't have time to persuade her, Carlisle."

"I don't know, Edward. Forcing her... violating her will in that way." He tried to focus only on the winding road, but I could hear the truth in his thoughts. He was considering it. "Once she has all the facts, she will come to the right conclusion on her own."

After an hour at the dining room table, sugarcoating nothing, he wasn't so confident. Bella was unwavering.

Feeling desperate, I decided to take a different tack.

"I think we need to consider whether Bella has the mental capacity to make this decision - "

"The mental capacity?" Bella looked at me as if I'd gone crazy.

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Wanting to keep her child does not make her mentally incompetent."

"Edward." Carlisle looked at me, seeming very tired as he did. "Let's not get caught up in distractions."

"This isn't a distraction. Look at Bella's history. She threw herself off a cliff."

"I wasn't trying to kill myself and you know that." There was a warning in her wet eyes. A warning I ignored.

"Yes. So tell them why you did jump."

She glared at me silently, the betrayal clear on her face. I was hurting her. Violating her trust. But if it saved her...

"Bella jumped to hear my voice. It's the same reason she started riding motorcycles, the same reason she approached strange men in Port Angeles."

"How do you know about that?" Bella asked, suspiciously.

"Bella," I said, exasperated. "What do you think every single person was thinking about the day the Cullens randomly showed up at school again? How insane Bella Swan acted when they left."

"I am not insane."

"And you're trying to argue you should be making Bella's medical decisions?" Rosalie snorted. "I could make a lot of arguments against your mental fitness, Edward, but let's start with that same time period - "

"Rose, c'mon," Emmett interrupted.

"You've always been jealous of her and now that she's pregnant" - I spat the word - "it just kills you because it's the thing you've always wanted most. You know that if you stand in the way and let things run their course, maybe the girl who has everything you ever wanted will die and leave behind her tumor for you to love and care for."

"He is not a tumor," Bella said through gritted teeth.

"She's no friend to you, Bella. I know you know that."

"You're a liar, Edward," Rosalie snarled. "You're cherry-picking through my head. She's human. She's defenseless. This baby is hers. It's her body. It's her will. That's what I'm fighting for."

"What? 'My body, my choice'? This isn't a debate about abortion -"

"No, you're right. It's more akin to forced sterilization, don't you think?"

"Rosalie," Carlisle interrupted, holding up his hand before turning to Bella. "The sooner we take care of this, remove the growth or fetus or whatever it turns out to be, the less harm it will do to your body. It is not my intention for this to be any sort of sterilization. I would do everything in my power to do no harm and to repair -"

"Do no harm? He wants to murder your baby, Bella."

Carlisle gave Rosalie a pointed look before continuing. "Bella, there's a very good possibility, at this point, that you could still go onto mother a normal, healthy, human child."

"Carlisle, it's not about being a mother. It's about this baby." She hugged her stomach tighter. "I have to protect him. There's no other option."

"Why, Bella?" I demanded. "Why 'this baby?' Make me understand. Because not three weeks ago you didn't want a child."

"He's a part of you, Edward. I could never... "

I ground my teeth. I should have expected this. Back when I was sitting on the tiled bathroom floor it should have been my first thought. She'd never wanted a normal, human boy. So of course she'd never want a normal, human baby, either.

If I'd realized, I would have lied to her. Told her no, Carlisle said it's impossible, but your symptoms align perfectly with this rare South American disease...

It will destroy her, Carlisle thought. It will destroy this family. He could see it. If it killed Bella, I would kill Rosalie. I wouldn't hide from Emmett and he would kill me. Esme won't survive that... I can't survive that.

It was hazy, but Alice could see it now. When Emmett saw it was five to two he would restrain Rosalie for her own protection. Bella was visible on the other side but her future was faint and disorderly. I imagined that was because Bella refused to consider failure.

Edward, Carlisle thought, we have to get it out. We can't make her understand. We'll have to do it your way.

Carlisle briefly met my eyes. Alice tense posture relaxed the slightest degree.

What was that? Rosalie hadn't missed the subtle tells. "What was that?" She demanded.

"Edward, come on," Emmett insisted. "What's going on?"

I looked at Alice. Could she see our best course of action? Was it better to be covert or come straight out with it?

"I only see it going one way," Alice told Emmett. "You and Rosalie are outnumbered."

"No!" Bella cried. She curled in on herself, holding her knees against her chest as if her fragile human body would be enough to hold us off. "No, you can't. Edward, please. Please, don't do this. Don't hurt him. Please!"

Rosalie's lips curled back from her teeth as she wrapped her arms protectively around my sobbing wife.

Alice's vision further solidified as Emmett committed to do exactly what she had seen. She was still dissatisfied though. The vision should be crystal clear now and yet the edges were blurred reflecting some decision yet to be made.

Bella's continuous unintelligible pleas were agony. You would have thought Carlisle had sentenced Charlie to die.

I hated myself for putting that menace inside of her. For giving her one more despicable thing to irrationally love. Was it insanity that made her love it? Or pregnancy hormones or some self preservation mechanism inherent to the thing?

It didn't really matter.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry I did this to you."

"Carlisle?" Rosalie glared at him. "I expect this of him, but I can't believe you. You should be ashamed of yourself."

"It's the only way," Carlisle said, his voice empty. He was not unaffected by Bella's pleading - it lashed at him, too - but he knew like I did that what she fought for was only fantasy.

Edward, Alice thought, Who's undecided? I don't understand.

Carlisle wasn't wavering. I concentrated on Jasper's thoughts. He was solidly in favor of removal as quickly as possible. And Esme -

"Esme?" My voice was pained. "Esme, it's not the same."

Rosalie looked toward my mother, hope clear in her face.

Esme was thinking of her first husband. How she'd left him when she realized she was pregnant to protect her unborn child. She'd felt desperate.

Powerless.

"You are not the same," she whispered. "But you are wrong."

She got up from her chair and knelt beside Bella. She placed one hand over Bella's hands where they were folded over her stomach and laid the other on Bella's cheek.

"My daughter, I will protect your choice."

"Thank you," Bella choked out. "Thank you, Esme."

"You're not protecting her, Esme," Alice said, devastated as she watched our narrow path dim. "You're sentencing her to death."

"There are some things worse than death," Esme answered.

"Esme?" Carlisle hadn't foreseen this anymore than I had. I hadn't paid her thoughts any attention believing her top priority would be keeping Bella, as well as myself, alive.

"Carlisle, you can't ignore her will," Esme answered. "It's not right."

I could hear his deep shame for disappointing her.

Bella slapped her hand over her mouth and her frame lurched.

Esme flitted to fetch Bella the small trash can from the corner.

I jumped up to go to her side but Rosalie blocked my way.

"Let me by."

"No," she said.

My hands were in fists. My control was running thin.

"Rosalie, I'm her husband."

She looked me straight in the eye, a bitter smile on her lips. "Not a very good one."

"Jasper!" Alice cried.

I shot at Rosalie's unprotected neck.

All at once I was overcome by my brother's defenses. Jasper made me feel so hopeless that I abandoned my attempt at once. A fraction of a second later his arm caught me around my stomach and launched me into the hardwood floor, breaking several of the boards.

Emmett pulled Rosalie behind him and waited in a crouch, ready for my next attempt.

Jasper had his fingertips, once again, pressed directly against the skin just above my spinal cord.

Carlisle, the only one still remaining at the Eastern end of the table, sat frozen with his face in his hands.

"I'm sorry," Bella whispered when the retching finally stopped.

"Don't apologize, Bella," Rosalie said gently, stroking her hair. "This is a completely normal part of pregnancy."

"Not when she hasn't kept anything down in over twenty-four hours," I countered.

Carlisle unfroze at that. He took a very long look at Bella and then he sighed.


It was Fall of 1997. The morning was sunny, but Alice promised afternoon clouds.

I was reading when I noticed Carlisle shaking his head, frowning at the newspaper in his hands.

Mortal news was exasperating more often than not. Humans were so short-sighted, so given to emotion. It was always the same stories, the same mistakes made again and again and again.

But there was something different about the tenor of Carlisle's thoughts that caught my attention.

...has become the first state to legalize physician-assisted suicide for the terminally ill after, by a vote of 60% to 40%, Oregon voters defeated Measure 51, which would have repealed the Death with Dignity Act...

"You're against it?" I asked, surprised.

He chuckled at my eavesdropping. "You're not?"

"No. I think it's overdue."

"I can't imagine it. Writing that prescription..."

"If you could hear their thoughts..." I ticked off patient names, those I'd helped him treat decades ago. All terminally ill. "I'd be lying if I told you I hadn't thought of ending their suffering personally. The debilitating pain. No peace. No rest..."

"Hmmm..."

The issue was black and white in my mind. I didn't give it another thought until a few years later. A story about the son of an eccentric billionaire caught the headlines. The man was in his twenties and dying of terminal brain cancer.

His story was different than most other published anecdotes. Rather than a quiet death surrounded by loved ones, the young man planned a multi-day party with live music and catering. He personally gave his possessions away to the attendees one by one and discussed with them his fondest memories.

Attendees were given two rules. They mustn't cry in front of him and they had to keep things light.

On the final day of the party most all of his guests were sent home and finally, at sunset, he took his fatal dose.

Friends of the man praised his bravery. They touted his treatment of death as a rebirth. But I knew they were lying. The young man was cruel. How could he force his loved ones to parade around in this way? Like everything was fine when really they were counting down the minutes, the seconds to his scheduled death.

Edward, look. I wrenched myself back to the present. That was happening a lot - my thoughts tangling and tumbling down tangents. Conflating present with past. Trains of thought crumbling under the threat of the imminent future.

Edward? I tried harder to focus on Alice's thoughts. Don't you see? There was nothing to see. It must be him.

So Jacob Black had finally decided to take time out of his busy schedule to check up on the girl he loved. It had been six days since Bella first called Charlie. Had he really not shared the news of his gravely ill daughter with Billy Black? Or had he waited until after Bella's call this morning, thick with farewell, put him into a panic? Or maybe Jacob Black had heard six days ago and Sam Uley had kept him away. Or, and I desperately hoped this wasn't true, Jacob Black had imprinted and couldn't be bothered to care.

"He's on his way," I murmured.

Carlisle and Rosalie looked at me confused. I was getting that look a lot.

"Jacob Black."

Bella watched Carlisle dart from the room just as a tense Emmett and Jasper appeared at the top of the stairs.

"What's going on?" Bella shot an untrusting glance at me before scooting further into the corner of the couch. Closer to Rosalie.

"Edward thinks Jacob is coming." Rosalie was less than pleased.

"You hear Jacob?" There was a new light in Bella's eyes.

My voice was dead when I answered. "Alice can't see."

"It could be the whole pack for all we know." For once, Emmett wasn't itching for a fight with the wolves. Not when it could jeopardize Bella's chances.

"No." I said tonelessly. Jacob Black would want to do this on his terms not Sam Uley's.

We heard someone someone turn onto the drive and the rest of my family joined us.

A moment later I heard him.

Jacob Black was on a suicide mission. He was a mess. Though I supposed given the state I was in, that wasn't exactly fair.

His deteriorated spirit was good news and bad news. The good news was it seemed he hadn't imprinted. The bad news was that, if I was being superstitious - and I was far enough gone that I was - I assumed he was falling apart because Bella was. He wanted to die because she was going to die.

"Well?" Rosalie asked brusquely.

"He's here to gather evidence."

"Of?"

"Bella's transformation."

That wasn't a future Alice could see for Bella anymore. It had once seemed like the absolute worst thing. But there were worse fates.

I didn't share Jacob Black's murderous thoughts with my family. For one, a lot of it seemed like wishful thinking. But more importantly, I needed my family to let him pass. I needed him.

Bella was on her deathbed. She was starving, taking nothing in while the parasite sapped every bit of reserve in her body. Her heart was wasting away.

If we could get that thing out of her, if we could just keep her heart beating...

"I don't trust him. Keep him out," Rosalie ordered Emmett.

"Anything Jacob sees gets back to the pack. I can't imagine they'll be any more thrilled about this thing than we are."

"It's not a thing," Rosalie snapped at Jasper.

Jasper was the one holdout. The rest of us grudgingly called it a fetus in front of Bella. Anything less upset her and we couldn't have her wasting energy on that.

"I agree with Jasper and Rosalie," Carlisle said. "A visit from Jacob might be too stressful." She's kept food down for two hours now. I don't want to jeopardize that.

"Carlisle, it's just Jacob," Bella croaked. "I can handle it."

"An old friend could do her good right now," Esme agreed.

"I don't know. He wasn't too thrilled with Edward the last time," Emmet argued. "And when he sees..."

"Well, she can hide her stomach," Esme suggested.

I could hear Jacob's heart now. It was so strong and vital. The pain of comparing it to hers almost had me on the floor.

"Edward, what do you think?" Alice knew I was waiting for this, but she didn't know why. She would defer to me.

"Let him come." If I could get Jacob Black to agree to help me...

Bella looked at me surprised. She was probably trying to remember the last time we'd fought on the same side just as I was.

"It's four-three. He stays out," Rosalie insisted.

The bike cut off outside.

"Does my vote not count?" Bella asked offering a rare challenge to her ally. "I am a Cullen now."

"Of course it does, Bella," Rosalie answered with false sweetness. "I didn't think Alice had an opinion." That was a lie - she'd caught Alice's implied vote.

"Well, for the record, Rosalie, I'm fine with Jacob visiting." Alice was almost as furious with Rosalie as I was, but on top of that, Bella blurring her vision was almost painful. It kept her in a particularly foul mood. More so than the others.

Carlisle sighed.

Two footsteps crossed the porch and Carlisle opened the door, moving into the doorway.

"Hello, Jacob," he said calm, yet grave. "How are you?"

Jacob Black was disappointed to see Carlisle. He didn't want to see us as people today. Carlisle made that harder.

"I heard Bella made it back alive." His sarcastic, sneering voice rattled my relief at his arrival.

He and I had an unspoken truce to put Bella's safety first. His belief - proven correct - that I was violating that truce is what nearly sent him over the edge at the wedding. But I was sure he would never dream of this.

"Er, Jacob, it's not really the best time," Carlisle said, uncomfortable. "Could we do this later?"

My eyes never left her face, so I could see Bella's frustration. She couldn't hear what was happening as the rest of us could.

"Carlisle's decided he shouldn't know," I murmured.

Carlisle's authority. I'd never had less confidence in it. Even when I'd broken away from him decades ago to drink human blood. But I kept my mouth shut.

Bella, however, was well-versed at challenging fatherly authority. "Why not?" she rasped. "Are we keeping secrets from Jacob, too? What's the point?"

It had been harder for Bella to lie to Charlie this morning. She'd been too overcome to really pull it off, surely terrifying him. I could guess she longed for the sense of normalcy Jacob Black could give her.

Her friend heard her protest. Maybe all new vampires sound hoarse?

"Come in, please, Jacob." Bella strained her voice unnecessarily. She often forgot Jacob Black's heightened senses.

I could hear Carlisle's agitation. He and I both found our newly discovered powerlessness deeply unsettling. We had guns pressed to our heads. Forced to move forward with what was only insanity while Bella and Rosalie played pretend. Though he wasn't truly powerless like I was. He chose to be, pulling me down with him.

"Excuse me," Jacob Black said, stepping around Carlisle. He would pardon my father in his semi-formulated massacre scenario, he decided.

It took him a second to tabulate the number vampires in the room and another second to zero in on my face. My expression caused his heart to stutter. I reminded him of a man set on fire.

Bella... He panicked as he understood instantly who burned me. His gaze followed mine.

I savored his thoughts for a moment. At first glance he saw only pale peach skin and chocolate brown eyes, beautiful enough that his heart pounded with affection and relief. And then the impression soured.

He focused on the dark circles beneath her eyes. Her skin stretched tight over her cheekbones. Haggard, he decided. Is she thinner?

I almost answered the question aloud as I grappled with his grim analysis.

He noticed her hair, it was messy and stray strands stuck to the sheen of sweat on her forehead and neck.

She always pulled it back now - it was more practical with the frequent vomiting - and she had been too weak to shower in a couple days, even with Rosalie's help. Seeing her hair like this hurt me in a different way than her frail fingers and wrists that Jacob Black focused on now. It was a quality of life thing. A normalcy thing. Bella was by no means vain, but she took care of herself. She wasn't well enough to do that anymore.

She is sick. Very sick. Not a lie.

He thought of the call from Charlie now and I got the impression that he really had just learned the news today.

I watched Bella's skin turn light green.

Oh, please no, I thought. Come on, Bella. Keep it down.

Rosalie hovered over Bella protectively as she glared at Jacob and his bugging eyes. He's stressing her out. Stupid dog.

Bella glanced up at Rosalie, apologetic, and then she was vomiting her lunch into the basin Rosalie held out.

I fell to my knees beside her as a chorus of my family's frustrated and anxious thoughts bombarded me. Rosalie extended her hand out to me in warning, but I didn't care.

The problem was that I'd allowed myself to hope. We all had. In three days, this had been the first time Bella had kept food down for more than an hour.

Bella looked up at Jacob, embarrassed. "Sorry about that," she whispered.

I moaned and slumped against her knees. Her apologies cut like nothing else.

I felt her hand on my cheek. Her poor circulation made it only lukewarm.

"Rose, don't," Bella whispered. "It's fine."

I thought for a moment Rosalie was bothered by my proximity still, but I could see in her head that Jacob Black was the bigger threat at the moment.

"Bella, what's wrong?" Jacob whispered. He knelt, leaning towards her over the back of the couch. I heard him mentally trip over the word husband as he tried to ignore me.

He took her free hand. Icy, he thought. She was more uncomfortable than I'd realized.

"Are you alright?" He asked.

"I'm so glad you came to see me today, Jacob."

I moaned into the blanket. Though I understood what was happening, I didn't have the very simple words for it.

She's saying goodbye, Carlisle thought. His mind flipped through a hundred faces, former patients, most decades older than Bella with the same tired yet sure look in their eye and the undeniable confidence that came with having no more to lose.

"What is it, Bella?" Jacob asked, wrapping her hand tighter in his.

If my plan failed, at least she'd have that. The comfort of a warm, human touch before she died.

I watched in their heads as Bella's defensive gaze fell upon each member of my family.

Carlisle and Rosalie wouldn't fight her now and Jasper would reluctantly follow Carlisle's lead.

"Help me up, Rose?"

Jacob watched as Rosalie's lips pulled back over her teeth. Try anything and I'll rip your throat out. Though Jacob couldn't hear her thoughts, he received the message.

"Please, Rose."

Rosalie leaned over me and put her arm behind Bella's shoulders.

"No," Jacob whispered. "Don't get up..." She looks so weak.

"I'm answering your question," Bella snapped. Jacob found something comforting in her agitation with him.

As Rosalie pulled Bella off the couch, I sagged forward, my face buried in the cushions. The anticipation was horrible. Knowing what he would see, knowing what he would think...

The blanket fell to the ground at Bella's feet.

He tried to make sense of her swollen torso, unable to consider the obvious. And then she folded her hands over it tenderly.

Pregnant. There's no way she could be. Not that pregnant. But she is...

His head was full of wordless revulsion at the thought of her carrying my child. A swirl of blurry imaginings of icy white monsters crowded out his perfect memory of her healthy, beautiful body. One touching her. One growing inside of her.

He swallowed back bile.

But it was so much worse than just her carrying his natural enemy and hated rival's child. He could see from her distorted body, her jabbing bones, her general sickliness...

It's taking her life to feed its own, because it's a monster. Just like its father.

I always knew he would kill her.

My head snapped up and I met his eyes. One second we were both on our knees, and then I was on my feet, towering over him.

"Outside, Jacob," I snarled, furious.

He wasn't quitting on her now. He didn't fight as hard as he did for as long as he did to just accept this. To state it like it was fact, like he was helpless. I wouldn't let him.

He was on his feet now, too, looking down at me. That's why I'm here. "Let's do this."

Emmett and Jasper were suddenly at my side.

Jacob Black knew he would lose this fight and he didn't care. He'd do what damage he could, focusing on the three of us and maybe Rosalie.

"No," Bella gasped, her eyes frantic. She stumbled forward to clutch my arm.

"I just need to talk to him, Bella," I said in a low voice. I stroked her face - nearly sending Jacob Black into a rage - and pleaded, "Don't strain yourself. Please rest. We'll both be back in just a few minutes."

She studied my face for a few seconds before nodding and leaning into Rosalie who lowered her back toward the couch.

I started for the front door.

Jacob Black wouldn't meet her eyes.

"Behave," she told him. "And then come back."

I'm not making any promises today.

Carlisle could read Jacob Black's murderous intentions as well as I could. Son, neither of you are in the right state of mind for this.

I ignored him.

Well, separating him out was easy enough. Jacob Black focused on my unprotected back as we made our way down the drive. I guess he'll know when I decide to attack. It'll have to be a quick decision.

Jacob Black was a good fighter, but I knew I'd win and hurting him would be the opposite of helpful.

"I'm not ready for you to kill me yet, Jacob Black," I whispered as I continued to pace quickly away from the house. "You'll have to have a little patience."

Like I care about his schedule. "Patience isn't my specialty."

When we were out of earshot a couple hundred yards down the drive I stopped without warning and pivoted to face him. I didn't recognize the tortured demon that looked at him. I touched my face and the demon did, too. I opened my mouth to speak and the demon did, too.

Looks like he's burning at the stake.

He took in my expression and came to accept what he had not wanted to in the house. The look in my eyes... it's the last nail in her coffin. And he could see her coffin. Conjuring the image as easily as he once had his fantasies. As if this was not the first time he'd imagined it. Only now the girl in the coffin was gaunt and gray and skeletal. Her hair was matted. Her closed eyes rested in deep sockets.

The corpse in the coffin was the girl, still alive, in the house.

"It's killing her, right? She's dying." His eyes were wet and a little crazed.

He knew his pain did not match mine - something he felt he had to justify. I'm still in shock. I'm still wrapping my head around it - it's all happening so fast. He's had time to get to this point. And it's different because I've already lost her so many times, so many ways... There was a flash of Bella in the dark green dress at his bedside. And different because she was never really mine to lose.

And different because this isn't my fault.

"My fault," I whispered. The shame and guilt brought me to my knees.

I'd never been more vulnerable, crumpled there before him, but the violence had left him. He felt irritated with me for that. He hadn't come here for an execution. Where's the smug superiority now?

"Yes," I groaned into the dirt. "Yes, it's killing her."

"So why hasn't Carlisle done anything?" he growled. "He's a doctor right?"

Oh, he'd get a kick out of this. "She won't let us."

He mulled my words for only a few seconds. Jeez, she's running true to form. Of course, die for the monster spawn. It was so Bella.

"You know her well," I whispered. God, if I'd only known her half as well... "How quickly you see... I didn't see. Not in time. She wouldn't talk to me on the way home, not really. I thought she was frightened - that would be natural. I thought she was angry with me for putting her through this, for endangering her life. Again. I never imagined what she was really thinking, what she was resolving. Not until my family met us at the airport and she ran right into Rosalie's arms. Rosalie's! And then I heard what Rosalie was thinking. I didn't understand until I heard that. Yet you understand after one second..." I half-sighed, half-groaned.

"Just back up a second. She won't let you. Did you ever notice that she's exactly as strong as a normal hundred-and-ten-pound human girl? How stupid are you vamps? Hold her down and knock her out with drugs."

"I wanted to," I whispered. "Carlisle would have..." In truth, I still wanted, too. I'd just given up hope after begging and raging at Carlisle more than a dozen times had failed to move him.

What, you guys are too noble?

"No. Not noble. Her bodyguard complicated things."

He remembered the protective way Rosalie hovered over Bella, making sense of it now. So that's what Blondie's up to. What's in it for her, though? Does the beauty queen want Bella to die that badly?

"Maybe. Rosalie doesn't look at it quite that way," I said, thinking of Rosalie's fantasies. A little boy with my hair and Bella's eyes in her arms. She even imagined how one day she would tell the child the harrowing tale of his birth mother's fight for him.

"So take the blonde out first. Your kind can be put back together, right? Turn her into a jigsaw and take care of Bella."

I would take her straight to ash and forget the jigsaw concept if getting my hands on her would make any difference. "Emmet and Esme are backing her up. Emmett would never let us... and Carlisle won't help me with Esme against it..." My voice trailed off.

I hadn't spoken to Esme or so much as looked at her since that first night. She'd promised me she would keep Bella safe, but instead she'd condemned her.

Esme didn't see things as Rosalie did. She thought Bella could be right, but she wasn't protecting it, she was protecting Bella's choice. Her spirit, she'd thought. And she believed she was protecting me... from being what you are not.

"You should have left Bella with me," Jacob Black asserted.

I had once thought my worst mistake was leaving her, but I knew now that that was the last thing I'd done right. I remembered so many times I had wondered if I was the villain in Bella and Jacob Black's love story. Wreaking havoc on the natural order...

All week I had seen it. Bella radiant and happy in La Push. Hand in hand with Jacob Black.

"Yes," I agreed.

It's a bit late for that, though. Maybe you should have thought about that before you knocked her up with the life-sucking monster.

Knocked her up. I hated that phrase. As if she was something used and dirtied. Bella was good and pure regardless of my poor judgement and selfishness and lust. Regardless of what I was and what I had left inside of her. What I had never imagined I could leave inside of her.

"We didn't know," I said, the words as quiet as a breath. "I never dreamed. There's never been anything like Bella and I before. How could we know that a human was able to conceive a child with one of us - "

"When the human should get ripped to shreds in the process?"

"Yes," I agreed in a tense whisper. I was seeing the blood pooled under Bella's skin that first morning. Imagining the vile creature who would do that intentionally. "They're out there, the sadistic ones, the incubus, the succubus. They exist. But the seduction is merely a prelude to the feast. No one survives." I shook my head, revolted.

Like he's any different. "I didn't realize they had a special name for what you are," he spat.

I was seeing her in her white dress walking down the aisle. A shadow on her cheek. Swollen lips. Bruises on her forearms. Charlie placing her hand into my own. And feathers. Feathers in her seaweed hair beneath her tulle veil.

"Even you, Jacob Black, cannot hate me as much as I hate myself."

Wrong. His thoughts were otherwise wordless, rage building on rage. Bella's face. Bella a victim. Manipulated. Seduced.

"Killing me now doesn't save her." I said quietly.

"So what does?"

"Jacob you have to do something for me?"

His face twisted in disgust. "The hell I do, parasite."

"For her?" I asked patiently.

He clenched his teeth hard and growled, "I did everything I could to keep her away from you. Every single thing. It's too late."

He was disappointed in my brokenness? Look what he'd become. Where was the plucky, audacious Jacob Black who had given me hell this spring?

"You know her, Jacob. You connect to her on a level that I don't even understand. You are part of her and she is part of you. She won't listen to me, because she thinks I'm underestimating her. She thinks she's strong enough for this..." I choked and then swallowed. "She might listen to you."

"Why would she?"

I lurched to my feet, infuriated by his uncharacteristic defeatism.

He leaned backward processing the wild burning in my eyes. Is he really going crazy? Can vampires lose their minds?

"Maybe. I don't know. It feels like it." In my head, simultaneously I was playing every moment of horror. A time lapse of her body withering away. Every bruise and grimace and wince. Every whimper and cry and apology. Her running into Rosalie's arms. Her sobbing at the table. I was seeing things that hadn't happened yet, but surely would if nothing changed. The monster ripping itself from her body. Her brown eyes still and staring. Carlisle closing her eyelids. Charlie and Renée sobbing over her wrecked body in a black coffin.

I shook my head - his question had been rhetorical. "I have to try to hide this in front of her, because stress makes her more ill. She can't keep anything down as it is. I have to be composed; I can't make it harder." I was still getting off track. "But that doesn't matter now. She has to listen to you!"

"I can't tell her anything you haven't. What do you want me to do? Tell her she's stupid? She probably already knows that. Tell her she's going to die? I bet she knows that, too."

"You can offer her what she wants." I'd been mulling this plan for a few days now. It was the best I had.

He's not making any sense. Part of the crazy?

Focus, Edward, I thought. "I don't care about anything but keeping her alive. If it's a child she wants, she can have it. She can have half a dozen babies. Anything she wants." I paused, understanding exactly how much I was giving up. "She can have puppies, if that's what it takes."

I met his eyes. After a couple seconds his hard scowl crumbled and his mouth popped open in shock.

"But not this way!" I hissed. "Not this thing that's sucking the life from her while I stand there helpless! Watching her sicken and waste away. Seeing it hurting her." I was seeing her eyes squeeze shut, her teeth grit, her fist clench over her blanket, no sound escaping her lips because she wouldn't let it. I sucked in a fast breath. "You have to make her see reason, Jacob. She won't listen to me anymore. Rosalie's always there, feeding her insanity - encouraging her. Protecting her. No, protecting it. Bella's life means nothing to her."

He made a noise, something between a choke and a cough as he grappled with my anxiety - with his own as he resisted the burden I was trying to place on him.

What are you saying? That Bella should, what? Have a baby? With me? What? How? Are you giving her up? Or do you think she won't mind being shared?

"Whichever. Whatever keeps her alive."

"That's the craziest thing you've said yet," he mumbled.

"She loves you," I argued. Never had I been more grateful for that fact.

"Not enough." He was remembering her in the green dress again. Tears on her face.

"She's ready to die to have a child. Maybe she'd accept something less extreme."

"Don't you know her at all?

Though admittedly not as well as he did, yes. That's why this plan had so much potential. Bella didn't want a human child. She wanted something that was... whatever it was that drew her to us... something interesting or special or powerful. She wanted it with someone she loved. Jacob Black's offspring wouldn't be dangerous for fifteen or so years. It wouldn't be an unthinking, soulless parasite. It would have a brain and a conscience to regulate its more monstrous side. And a father who could protect her while the child perfected that.

But I'd had a lot of time to think this through. He just needed a moment to really consider it. So would she.

"I know, I know. It's going to take a lot of convincing. That's why I need you. You know how she thinks. Make her see sense."

He didn't like what I'd put in his head. Impossible. Wrong. Sick. Borrowing Bella for the weekends and then returning her Monday morning like a rental movie? So messed up.

So tempting.

He was angry at me for manipulating his thoughts this way. But he was also angry at himself for not being able to stop them.

No. No, I can't think about this... but then he was. First, memories of Bella. Kissing her. The feel of her lips, her skin. The little glimpses of her curves through her clothes, and then just the full on fantasies. Bella in his arms, Bella sighing his name...

It was strange how different these fantasies looked to me now. The girl in them was not Bella. Not really. Her body was wrong. Her mannerisms off - too demure.

That helped lessen the ache they caused. That and the fact that I needed him to see these things. His lust would be on my side.

And then he saw something new. Bella, healthy and glowing. Round with his child.

It was easy to forget sometimes that there was a part of Jacob Black that was still only a boy. A sixteen-year-old boy who, in the modern world, was much too young to have ever thought about procreating in any real way. I hadn't really considered that. Or the fact that society might frown on a sixteen-year-old and a legal adult starting a family together... But she would need time to heal anyway. And it wouldn't be so long before he was eighteen...

These were small problems easily dealt with. I refocused on his thoughts and I could see he liked the idea, or at least it was something else to grieve that he hadn't thought to before.

"Make Bella see sense?" He asked with a grim, sarcastic smile. "What universe do you live in?"

"At least try."

He shook his head fast, but he was still thinking about it. The same healthy pregnant Bella he imagined before. And then a hospital room. Him cradling an infant. Bella with a serene smile looking up at him with adoring eyes. Billy and Charlie were there, too. And Emily, tending to Bella.

He was taking this better than I expected. Not just embracing the idea, but weaving her into his family and his world. It was what he always wanted. Just deeper and more permanent.

"Where is this psycho crap coming from? Are you making this up as you go?"

"I've been thinking of nothing but ways to save her since I realized what she was planning to do. What she would die to do. But I didn't know how to contact you. I knew you wouldn't listen if I called. I would have come to find you soon, if you hadn't come today. But it's hard to leave her, even for a few minutes. Her condition... it changes so fast. The thing is... growing. Swiftly. I can't be away from her now."

Most of my ideas were dead on arrival. Blasphemous ideas brought on by desperation that I knew I would never go through with because they would not truly help anything. Like luring Emmett away to kill him so I could really get my shot at Rosalie. Or creating an immortal child. That last particularly unhelpful idea had led me to this one, though.

"What is it?" he asked.

"None of us have any idea. But it is stronger than she is. Already."

His dark imaginings now were not far from reality.

"Help me stop it," I whispered, capitalizing on his fear. "Help me stop this from happening."

"How? By offering my stud services?" He flinched at his own words and noted, with disgust, that I did not. "You're really sick. She'll never listen to this."

"Try. There's nothing to lose now. How will it hurt?"

It will hurt me. Haven't I taken enough rejection from Bella without this? Images flashed through his head. Bella kissing his palm before running off with Alice. Bella driving off with me the night he kissed her.

What a coward. This was Bella. The love of his life. His stolen soulmate. And he was going to let his feelings get in the way of saving her.

I wanted to fling these accusations at him. Yell at him.

But he was fragile. Just like she was. So I talked to him as such.

"A little pain to save her? Is it such a high cost?"

"But it won't work."

"Maybe not. Maybe it will confuse her, though. Maybe she'll falter in her resolve. One moment of doubt is all I need." Carlisle was ready for that if it should happen. We had a plan. We had a plan for every possibility.

"And then you pull the rug out from under the offer? 'Just kidding, Bella'?"

"If she wants a child, that's what she gets. I won't rescind."

I can't believe I'm even thinking about this. She'll punch me - probably break her hand again. I shouldn't have let him do this - mess with my head. I should just kill him now.

"Not now," I whispered. "Not yet. Right or wrong, it would destroy her, and you know it. No need to be hasty. If she won't listen to you, you'll get your chance. The moment Bella's heart stops beating, I will be begging for you to kill me."

"You won't have to beg long."

For the first time in more than a week I smiled. "I'm very much counting on that."

"Then we have a deal."

I nodded and held out my hand.

He stared at it for a second, repulsed. And then he shook it once.

"We have a deal," I agreed.


A/N: This is long overdue, but thanks for sticking with me. Book 2 of BD is bleak and the timeline from Jacob's POV is complicated. I always write about three chapters out to make sure I haven't missed something that needs to go in an earlier chapter, so it's been a lot of trying to iron things out and make everything linear.

When I know I'm going to take longer than usual to post a new chapter I add an update on my profile, so feel free to check there if you're wanting an update :)

Thank you so much for your reviews of the Parasite chapter. Seriously, Edward's sperm inner monologue... super fun to write.