A/N(KUPO!): Ok… First I need to clear up a few things!

Number one: Chapter one what written by Schizo (Steph)… This chapter was written by me! (Kupo) … The next chapter will be written by Schizo (Steph) and the chapter after that will be written by me (Kupo) and so on and so forth.

Number two: Anything in the previous chapter was Schizo's own insanity. (Like the pirates vs. ninja's thing, most of the duct tape thingy, and the other random things I can't remember at the moment.)

Number three: This is not a Satoshi/Daisuke fic… It is well… You should be able to figure this out by now… /evil, lecherous, grin/

Number four: …I dunno… I just felt it was my duty to put a number four right here… (Schizo: Four's my favorite number!)

Reviews!

Lyrona: Kupo: You can't command me to do anything! … Yes I did continue to write this story… but… I didn't do it because of you! … I think… And… Thank you! You like… reviewed all my stories . Schizo: I'm very easy to command…

Hyper Chef: Kupo: Keiji is my idiot! My sexy idiot! MINE! Dark, Bakura and K… Wow… That's… amusing… Schizo: Battle to the death: Dark vs. K. Who will win? (I'm sorry but K all the way…) DUN DUN DUN!

Neko Erin: Kupo: …If you laugh too much your head may explode… Keep laughing! Schizo: I almost spelled my name wrong… How pitiful… Keiji rules! Hm- Wait. Hey. Did we even HAVE Keiji in this chapter? Kupo: …No. O.o Heh…

Shadow Vampiress: Kupo: … Uhh… Read the Authors note for the answers to your question thingies… and… THIS ONE IS MY CHAPTER! BWHAHAHAHA! Schizo: Yes… Now you know I have a bit of an insane person in me too… I confess.

KupoWrath: Kupo: … Kupo… you are such an idiot! Why are you reviewing your own story! … Why are you responding to your own review? I DON'T KNOW! Schizo: (pokes Kupo) Cheese.

Everto Angelus: Kupo: I didn't say Schizo's chapter would suck, I said MY chapter will suck in comparison to her greatness. Read the authors note for answers… Dark and Krad… Aren't they going out with the bitche—I mean the Harada's? And yes… WE LOVE YOU! Schizo: Of course we love you! You give us FOOD- erm… reviews. There, no one said anything about your souls living off the life of your reviews… no.

Berettaboy: Kupo: …/gasp/ … RUDE MUCH! … I'll let Schizo take this one… Schizo: (blink) Then don't read it. Simple as that. And I'm not sure if you were in the "rant" mode, but you spelled Satoshi wrong.

DISCLAIMER: We don't own DNAngel… We don't own the characters… but… We did manage to put people together who you would have never thought possible to be put together… That's right… the metal pole and the stapler! They make such a pretty couple…

SUMMARY: Ever want to be a whore? Ever say to yourself you're not gay? Can't seem to get that insane blonde off you? Then make some love, fight your heart, and scream to your heart's content. Yaoi

WARNINGS: Slight OOC AUness… Fluff… TINY amounts of POSSIBLE angst… Humor… Emiko…

Kupo: MY CHAPTER! BWAAHAHAHHDOJKLHAHA…... Betchya never thought someone could spell a laugh wrong…

Schizo: (in mock sing song voice)I am doing math… I am doing math… and still have 28 problems to go… in less than five minutes…

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Chapter Two; Nosebleeds

Last time:

Takeshi

Bend over. Ah! What?

"No." I flushed, "That's all. You can… leave now."

"Okay." He grabbed the stack of papers turning around and walked away, "Good day, Mr. Saehara."

"Good day Hiwatari."

I'm not gay.

I'm not.

This time:

Takeshi

"Yes you are."

WHAT! I snap around and find myself looking at my secretary, Kevin Thompson. He came from America… They sure have weird names there… I guess he took my horrified beyond all reason expression for a confused one.

"… You said you weren't… but you are. You're supposed to have lunch with the boss tomorrow." If I wasn't already kicking myself for saying that aloud, I would have been relieved.

"Right… Lunch… Sure… Yeah…" …Wow… Great going Takeshi. You sure proved how articulate you can be…

"Was there anything you wanted?" I look back up at Kevin, and my eyes widen. He's sitting on my desk. He's sitting on my desk so… alluring… Sexy position… His head's leaned back exposing the milky white of his neck. His legs are spread, so inviting. Hi—WHAT AM I SAYING?

"N-No!" I shake my head and rub my eyes and temples. Not gay not gay not gay not gay… Looks as though I have a new mantra. I close my eyes and rest my forehead in the palms of my head. Today's going to be a long day. I can feel it.

My head jerks up and I sit up straight as I feel hands on my neck and shoulders, giving me a… massage?

"W-What are you doing Thompson?" I shudder as I feel his breath across my ear. Gods this is sex—Not gay not gay not gay not gay not gay…

"You seemed a little tense… now are you absolutely sure there's nothing you want me to do for you sir?" I blink at his tone. He's like… the office whore! I jump to my feet and spin around, looking at him.

"What is hells name possessed you to act like that!" I liked it… Wait! No! Not gay not gay not gay…

Kevin

Crap. Wasn't expecting him to respond like that. I saw the way he was staring at that intern's ass when he bent over! He has to be gay. MY LOVE HAS TO BE GAY! Overreacting? What's that?

"I uh… T-That's what the secretaries in America do!" I give a casual shrug. What? It's true!

"O-Oh… Ok… well… This is Japan. Not America. Don't do it again Thompson…" I frown. Call me Kevin please! At least once! It'll heighten the mood when I'm jerking off thinking about you!

In my head I'm striking about a million different poses, tears flowing freely down my cheeks and proclaiming my love for my beautiful Takeshi to the heavens… But… My body has a bit more modesty than my mind.

Damn body… Always betraying me. WHY MUST YOU!

"KEVIN! Are you there?" I blink and stare at Takeshi. How long has he been calling me? What do I care! He said my name! OHMIGOD! HE SAID IT! OHOHMYGODS! ILOVEYOUTAKESHIPLEASETAKEMENOW!

Takeshi

…My secretary just passed out from a nose bleed. I've never seen anyone pass out from a nosebleed before. What odd creatures these Americans are…

I get up and poke Thompson with my toe.

Maybe he's dead…

Daisuke

"Mum! I'm home…" I step inside and slide my shoes off, my backpack thrown over to the couch only to be immediately tackled by a blur of energy. Oh wait… That's just my mother…

"DAISUKE!" I grimace. This can't be good. Especially since she mistook my backpack for me…

"I heard the news! Did she really break up with you? ON THE BUS! HOW COULD SHE! Why I oughtta! Grr! She was never good enough for you anyway! I never liked her. She was always stuck up! And that ribbon she always wore! That just PROVES she's a slut! Are you ok Daisuke? Who cares about her! She's a nobody! We need to find you someone new. Someone better! Someone like that Marcie girl! The exchange student from France! I know her mother. She's a perfectly respectable person! I'll go call her now and set up a date then I'll call everyone in the town and tell them you have a new girlfriend!"

I blink as she runs off, back to the kitchen I assume. Betchya can't believe she said that all in one breath? I blink for a moment, registering what she said. …Break up? Bus? …Good new travels fast…

Never liked her? …You set us up! You said Risa was going to be the next president of the USA! …Why would she even want to go to the USA?

Slut? Ribbon? How does that connection even make sense?

Marcie? French exchange student? …Isn't she the one with the mustache?

Call? New… Girlfriend? … Crap…

"MOOOOOOOOOOM!"

Satoshi

"DON'T CALL MARCIE! I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH HER!"

"BUT DAISUKE! She LOVES you! Not to mention her mother is the kindest person on the planet!"

"NO MOM!"

"YOU CAN'T ORDER ME AROUND!"

"QUIT TRYING TO RULE MY LIFE!"

"I'M YOUR MOTHER! I OWN YOU FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! And in return I get to be pampered and loved and treated nicely and you have to do whatever I say…"

A small, short, contemplative pause.

"WHAT KINDA DEAL IS THAT!"

I chuckle while listening to this. I left work on my break to check in on Daisuke. Make sure he got home alright. I ended up following, not stalking, him for the last few blocks.

After hearing Ms. Emiko's… Rant… I quickly cut their phone line. We don't need Daisuke getting another girlfriend now do we? I mean… Daisuke doesn't need to be put through all that again…

"I DON'T CARE! I'M CALLING!"

"DON'T MOM!"

"Hello? MARCIE? You MUST go out with Daisuke! He just broke up with Risa! Well… Risa actually broke up with him, but that's besides the point! He loves you! He always has! He told me so 2 weeks ago when he first met you! You two will go out! Good! Yay! I'll tell everyone the good news! Goodbye Marcie!"

"Mom! How could you! I don't want another girlfriend!"

"It's too late! Now… Go pick up your bookbag dear… you left it on the couch. Mustn't be a sloppy husband!"

…I swear I cut the phone line… I sneak around to the back of their house and check my handiwork on their phone line.

I did cut it…

…What a scary woman…

Takeshi

"Kevin?" I nudge his shoulder a bit with my hand. I'm not a doctor… I never paid attention in health class… I've never seen anyone pass out form a nosebleed that seemingly came from nothing. Maybe this is normal in America?

"Kevin?" I lean my head down to check for breathing. I uh… Watch that American show… CSI? Maybe he's hemophilic? Or is that necrophilia…

"Kevi—"

"Takeshiiii…." What? I blink and look at him. He's alive… And… sleeping? I raise an eyebrow and poke him again.

"Kevin… Wake up…"

"T-Takeshi… Please…" I'm curious now… I bend down lower, practically on top of him. I don't care. What's he saying? Tell meee…

"What is it Kevin?" I say softly. I wanna know!

"Takeshi… Harder… Uhn…" WHAT! I blink and look at him, not moving.

"Kevin?"

"Gods harder Takeshi! Faster…" What's he doing? Is there someone outside the door?

"Kevin?"

"GODS! I love you… Takeshi… mnhfgg…" I raise my eyebrow and jump up as see him coming to. Well… I try to anyway. Somewhere in the process of trying to hear what he said, he seems to have got me in a death grip.

"KEVIN! Wake up!"

"Takeshi…" I groan as I lose whatever balance I had when he pulled me down and fall on top of him completely, out lips crashing together. My eyes widen as he makes a happy noise and flicks his tongue across my lips. WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS NEWS IS HE DOING?

He opens his eyes and look into my own panic-stricken ones. With an unintelligent noise, Kevin pulls back and I scramble away.

"Takeshi…" HE'S STILL SLEEPING! Good god Americans can sleep… That's it…

SLAP!

"OUCH! What was that for Takesh— Er… Mr. Saehara?"

"Y-You were sleep-talking…"

And sleep kissing… "And sleep-kissing…"

WHAT! Why can't I keep my mouth shut… "Why can't I keep my mouth shut?"

OH MY GOD! I'm an IDIOT! "Idiot!" I shake my head and look up to a mortified Thompson.

"W-What all did you… h-hear?" I force myself not to scoff…

Only your confessions of undying love and your horniness over me! … And that kiss… I like it… OH MY GOD I LIKED IT! Wait… one kiss doesn't mean I'm gay. Right? …RIGHT? Oh… He's still waiting for a response. Must lie must lie must lie…

"You said that you loved me and you were screwing me and then you kissed me…" …Nice lie there Takeshi… Good going… I could have at LEAST said that he said the pink bunny slippers were going to take over the world with porn… Why didn't I say that!

"OH MY GOD! I DIDN'T!" He blink, and falls over, then jumps right back up to his feet. For someone who just passed out from blood loss he sure is energetic.

"T-That's what American secretaries do…" I fall. I fell. I have fallen…

"What did I say about here not being America?" I can't believe I fell… I pull myself back up and brush off. Americans… Why do we hire them!

"Uhh… right… I'll remember that next time. Gotta go!" I raise another eyebrow, what's that three now, and shake my head as he kisses my cheek then bolts out the door. He said that's the American goodbye.

Wait… Who's that standing outside the door? Oh god… God no…

"Saehara?" I grimace and turn to the person in the doorway. Please let it not b-- … It is… My boss…

"G-Good morning, Ms. Ikari… Wonderful day we're having, no?" No is right…

"I heard… moans… and Kevin has a nosebleed… and, if my ears weren't deceiving me, he just expressed his undying love for you, did he not?" Gods I don't need this right now. I know what she'd going to try and do. That smile just screams it out.

"It was a mistake, he was sleeping, and that's what American secretaries do." Please buy it, please buy it.

"Oh dear… you don't actually believe that do you?" She's got that glint in her eye. This isn't going to be good. "You two should get together! You would make such a cute couple… I'd give him a promotion and you one as well!" I sweat drop.

"I'm not gay Ms. Ikari…" She frowns, her plan squashed.

"And why not? Have you ever tried it?" I blush.

"Of course not!" Her frown deepens, and then disappears.

"Ok then Saehara… I'll be seeing you for lunch tomorrow!" She turns on her heel and leaves before I can say anything. I sigh and flop down in my chair. She's been trying to set me up with every guy in this office… She thinks I'm gay.

I'm NOT gay!

…Then why did you enjoy the kiss?

I don't know… I mean! I didn't! I swear!

…Your tent says otherwise…

Tent? What? I look down at myself. Oh my god. Oh. My. God.

Hahahaha.

Shut up.

You shut up.

No you.

You're gay…

Am not.

Are too.

Am not.

Are not.

Am too… DAMNIT!

Hahahaha…

I don't have to talk… to… you… Am I having an argument with myself?

Yes.

Did I just LOSE the argument with myself?

Yes.

What's worse? Being gay? Or losing an argument with yourself?

...Losing an argument with yourself…

That's what I thought too.

See! You're gay!

Shut up… Just… Shut up…

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A/N: Kupo: Now that my sucky chapter is over… the next one ill be by Schizo again and it won't suck like this one did. Suck… Suck is such a funny word. So many meanings. Suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck suck su--… Now it has no meanings…

Kupo

Schizo: Now I have TWENTY-SEVEN more problems to go! I'm so going to fail my math class… damn algebra II… DAMN IT!