Another chapter of the story that will make you say WTF repeatedly.
Prepare to be alarmed.
DOOM DOOM DOOM. (on you all. enjoy.)
"…ice cream? I do love the cream of ice!"
"Erm… Sure…" Rich said hesitantly, holding out his cone.
"So? Are you ready to work on our homework assignment?" Kori asked through bites.
Rich's eyebrow cocked. Kori giggled again, disregarding the finished ice cream. "Silly, don't you remember? We're working together on some school project! How else will I get past your bad boy façade and learn of the angst-ridden past that haunts your every waken moment?"
"…"
---
Beast Boy looked down at himself to find that he was no longer a he. His (or rather, Her) eyes grew wide with shock as she examined her new body. Petite frame, absolutely gorgeous, beautiful hair—dear god, she was hot! As she looked over to Raven, she was incredibly surprised to find a boy staring back at her.
"…Raven?"
"What?" The boy responded. He was certainly not Raven…
Before either could say anything else, high-pitched giggles began to sound behind them. They both whipped around to see a wave of girls, mostly between the ages of twelve and seventeen, running straight towards them, screaming things like, "Male Raven is teh shizz!" or "Oh my god Raven is hot!"
"Should we run?"
"Probably."
---
Cyborg was extremely confused. He'd been having a perfectly good time with Kole, hanging out and kicking dinosaur ass, when Gnarrk had discovered them. It hadn't been pretty, to say the least, and the last memory he had was primal caveman fury charging straight at him.
Now, he was awake and his hangover was to kill. He grunted as he pushed himself up, alarmed to find a brown loincloth slide down his chest as he sat up.
"Please, no…"
In a sing-song, slightly sly, voice from around the corner, Cyborg heard a, "Gna-a-a-rrk…"
Cyborg gave a prayer. "Please…someone pull the trigger now…"
---
"Oh my fucking god, get my name right! It's Raven! Two syllables! Why can't you just act the way you do in the show, Beast Boy, and call me by my real name? It was never hard for you there!"
The sound of something shattering filled the room.
"Damn it! Now I have to go back into Nevermore and find out why you make me so infuriated but apparently infatuated! Thanks, thanks a lot!"
---
"Wait…where are we now?"
"Go away!" Kori screamed, dismissing him with a wave of her arm.
"You look older…" Richard began.
"You don't father my child and then leave me! Get out!"
Richard could only blink. "You heard me! All the flirting when we were titans, even when we retired and retreated into civilian life, then you find out I'm pregnant and leave! How could you! I'll never forgive you! I'm calling Raven, Bumble Bee, or any of my other female friends I still have contact with and we are pointedly going to ignore you until mid-way through the story!"
With that said Kori stormed off, grabbing a teenage girl by the hand and leading her away. Richard stared on, appalled, letting out a disbelieving breath. "What…the…hell…"
---
"…You don't say? And when did you start this habit of cutting?" The reporter stuck the microphone in the Titan's face, who casually waved his hand around indifferently.
"Well, you know, I've got that big, deep secretive past that just puts me on the same angst level as Robin and Rae, and the whole deal with Terra apparently shattered me pretty bad. You don't know it, but I'm just seething with angst and anger. My walls are just that big, you don't know it."
"Uh-huh, and how did the other titans react to your 'problem'?"
"Oh, they were pretty okay about it. I mean, everyone was just glad they weren't the only one with the problem."
"Wait, you're saying that the other Titans deal with cutting too?"
"Well duh! I mean, come on! The drama is just pouring off of us!" Beast Boy snorted, folding his arms. "Hel-lo, where have you been for the past five seasons?"
"Is it even possible for Cyborg to cut? And Starfire? I mean sure Robin and Raven are understandable but—"
"Look, I'd love to stay and chat, but I have to try and commit suicide now."
The reporter blinked, horrified. "S-Suicide…? Surely you can't really—"
Beast Boy waved a hand nonchalantly. "Oh no, don't worry. It's all part of the plot. You see, I go Emo and then the person I'm 'destined to be with' will find me and we'll bond and live happily ever after…"
---
"K-Kori…? What are you doing? Aren't you aware of the out of character-ness?"
"I'm sorry Richard—the power of lust compels me!"
Sadly, Richard shook his head, "I knew I shouldn't have let you watch The Exorcist…"
---
"Damn it, I met her first!"
"I converted her!"
"So? She never could've been converted hadn't it been for me!"
"I'll make you a bet."
"Hm?"
"We'll race. First one to her gets claimsies on her."
"Man, you know that ain't fair! And 'claimsies' idn't a word either!"
---
Slap!
Raven Roth flew across the living room floor, landing on her back. She could only stare up with wide eyes as her prominent father brought his fists down. "That'll teach you, insolent child!"
"But I—"
"Silence!" He boomed. "Can't you see I need to take my anger out on you so you make friends? The bruises draw attention, ignorant mortal!"
"Actually," Raven began, "we're both mortals in this AU—ahh!"
---
"Right, got it…crossing 'get advice from a reclusive former mentor with no sex life' off the 'try when alien girlfriend is PMSing' list…"
---
"But I don't get it!"
"Don't get what, Beast Boy?" Raven asked.
"You're free to feel emotion now; Trigon's dead! Why aren't we heatedly making out?"
Raven smiled softly, "That's in chapter 4."
"Ohhh," the green titan nodded understandingly, "got it. Well, I'm off to go take off my shirt."
"Why?"
"How else will you walk in on my newly hot body?"
"Good point."
---
"That's right—quiver in my wake!"
"Uh…Mr. The Source, Sir…?"
"What!"
The authoress bit her lip nervously, fiddling with her thumbs. "You're not exactly a cliché… Therefore not in this story…"
"What? Not a cliché! Who would dare not to use me! I'm fully of outer-spacey soy-beanie ness!"
"Yeah… You see, that's my point…"
---
"Apprentice…come, we have much work to do."
"God you're hot…"
"What was that?"
"Uh—oh, um, Beast Boy…! Yes… Resentment… I hate myself…I hate you…I hate the world… Emo… Angst…"
---
"And they were all XP and I went D: and then we all had a good laugh LOL."
"XD."
---
Beast Boy slumped to his knees, pounding his fist into the moist soil as the rain coated his body with water. "Why…why…" He moaned, not bearing to look at the tombstone heading.
"Why, what? Why are you crying?"
Beast Boy spun around to see the owner of the voice. What he saw, or rather who he saw, alarmed him even more than the infamous 'bacon-tofu switch'. "R-Raven…?" He sputtered. "You're…"—he spun back to the grave a few times, re-reading the heading as if to confirm something—"…you're dead!"
Raven laughed, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Of course I am, Beast Boy."
"Oh god, now you're haunting me with what could've been… Aren't I Emo enough already from your death?"
"Don't worry—I'll see you again next chapter."
"So you're not dead?"
"No, I am."
"…"
She laughed again before de-materializing in front of his very eyes. "And you think you're confused now…"
---
"Careful, Star!" Robin cried out, wincing.
"It would not hurt as much if you did not move so!" Starfire insisted. "What I can't seem to understand is how such a large piece of wood got stuck up your—"
"Owww!"
---
"Man, when do I come in?" Cyborg pouted, folding his arms.
"Uh…" The authoress rubbed the back of her scalp with a weak smile. "It's all rather complicated… It's just… there aren't enough cliché's for you, so I kind of have to make some up…"
"Yeah, I can see how that is incredibly complicated…"
"Oh, what's that…uh…Slade? You've risen from the dead again? Uh—no, you can't rape Raven…Terra? Oh… Well, no, not really. There's a thing called child molestation and—yeah, that's a good point…But you just don't look like Michael Jackson, so I don't see how you could get away with that…" She turned to Cyborg for a moment to find him staring at her with wide eyes. "I'll…just…be going now…"
---
"Listen, you know I didn't mean it when I said you were a creepy Goth, right Rae?"
"…" There was a sniffle on the other side of the door.
"C'mon, you and I both know I think you're very hot… How else do you explain the spot on my sheets?"
"Could've kept that to yourself."
"But then where would the plot be?"
"Hmph. Erotic dreams have nothing to do with the plot."
"Yeah well, let's see you check your sheets tomorrow morning!"
---
Terra sighed. "Why must I be stuck in such a love triangle?"
"What love triangle?" Slade asked from behind her, not taking his eyes off his project.
"Oh, you know—the one with you, me, and BB…" she sighed dreamily.
"Wait—what?"
"I'm so full of drama—ohh, orgy…"
While Terra was rapped up in her daydreams, no one noticed Slade twitching on the floor.
Uhhhh. yeah. Nuff said.
REVIEW OR THE STORY WHORES WILL EAT YOU ALIVE.
(I feel especially nutty today- and no, I don't mean in the peanut sense.)
(save me from myself.)
