A/N(Kupo): ……….Muhahahahahahahahahahah! Another chapter babeh! It's about time don't you think? …Well… I got inspired… Just read, you'll know by what.
(Schizo): We're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! YEAH! And we're just as crazy this time! Isn't it just wonderful? ISN'T IT WONDERFUL? OOOOOH! WATER!
DISCLAIMER: Still don't own it. I swear to all that is slashy and yaoi that we don't own DNAngel… I can't say that we don't want to… But we're working on it! …… We'll keep you updated… And when we do own it, we'll make sure to give you plenty of hot passionate gay sex and to kill off the twins. Oh, and plenty of hot passionate gay sex.
SUMMARY: Ever want to be a whore? Ever say to yourself you're not gay? Can't seem to get that insane blonde off you? Then make some love, fight your heart, and scream to your heart's content. Yaoi
WARNINGS: Well… Let's just say that if your homophobic, cross-dresser-aphobic, S&M-aphobic, duct-tape-aphobic, computer-aphobic, pen-aphobic, nail-polish-aphobic, porn-aphobic… and... Well... I'm just ranting now. You should learn to ignore me.
Chapter Four; Buttpalooza
linebreakerokaysothisonetimeiwaseatingamuffinwhenthebirdtotallyflewandtookitfrommethemotherfuckerillhuntthatpieceofshitandeatit
Takeshi
Oh… My… God… My head… I groan and sit, promptly landing in a pile on the floor. What happened?
I rub my eyes and blink a couple of times, trying to clear the grogginess from my vision. I'm vaguely aware of pain…
Pain? My… … oh dear.
My ass hurts. Hopefully from the fall?
Doubt it.
I look around, finally.
This isn't my house. Wait wait wait… What happened last night?
I close my eyes and try to remember. Kevin. Gay. Alcohol. Sex… OH SHIT!
My eyes snap open and I look around the room frantically. There he is. The offending gay man, laid out on the back of a chair. Not IN a chair. ON the BACK of the chair. Wearing…
Oh god.
An S&M outfit? He's wearing a pair of black leather pants… that doesn't have a crotch OR an ass. A tight leather bustier… And there's a whip held loosely in his hand.
Oh my god.
I look down at myself, afraid of what I might see.
I was right to be afraid.
I'm wearing a dress! Not those stupid pants that can be mistaken as a dress, a real fucking dress! Black, sleek, and hiked over my waist… Oh god…
I'm wearing heels too.
My ass really hurts. I look at my thighs, and there's blood. Oh god.
I run to the bathroom and empty my stomach into his bathtub. It's a bigger target.
I get up, wiping my mouth with a slight whimper before looking into the mirror.
Hmm… I don't look so bad. I turn slightly. Actually… I look goo—NO! HOLY FUCK!
"Oh God Damnit... I'm gay, a cross dresser... and I like to be spanked... What's next?"
"Takeshi… baby? Where'd you-hic-go?" Fuck, he's awake.
"I… uh… Went home?" …Well that was smart.
"Oh, ok… Damn… Well then I'm goin' back to bed." He HAS to be joking. Did he believe me?
Sure enough, in less than five minutes I can hear his drunken snores.
Strange creatures these Americans are.
But I gotta get outta here… I grab up all my clothes, ridding myself of the sex—er… ugly? … uhh… dress.
Right.
Anyways. I don all my clothes and make my stealthy escape by tripping over the coffee table on my way through the living room, where a very intoxicated and hot man is sleeping.
Fuck he's hot.
And still sleeping. I just tripped and crashed into the floor and he's STILL sleeping?
Hmm…
I hop around him, yelling out obscenities.
Nothing.
Hmm…
Twenty minutes later of countless yelling, screaming and moaning (What?), I decide it's time to leave.
"Bye Kevin." I kiss him on his forehead and head to the door, silently.
When all of the sudden someone tackles me from behind and knocks me to the floor.
"TAKESHI! I THOUGHT YOU LEFT! I KNEW YOU LOVED ME!" That kiss woke him up?
A fucking KISS woke him up?
…And now he's horny too.
This sucks.
"Fuck me…" Wait… I don't like that smirk on his face.
"Will do…"
Ah shit.
Daisuke
Why does this stuff always happen to me? My mother interferes with my life far too much in my opinion!
Wait? Why am I still here? I've got to go stop her from getting me a rich boyfriend!
…It's a twenty-four hour job protecting my loins from her insanity.
I walk over to the door, filled with the intent to burst into that party and bring my mother home before something goes wrong. I turn the handle and pull.
…
It's locked.
She LOCKED me in my own room!
…My door doesn't even HAVE a lock.
I bang and pull and turn the knob and scream and yell and kick and yank… but it stays stubbornly shut.
Ah shit.
Satoshi
I know that woman means well, but she seriously needs to be checked into some sort of hospital or something.
This is just stupid!
I groan as I pull myself over the gates, unnoticed by the guards. Sadly, I had to employ the use of Risa Harada in order to distract them…
Bitch.
It's not an open party. I wonder how Miss Emiko even got INSIDE!
I hop down from above the gates, and straighten my jacket and tie. It's so much harder to jump a fence in a tuxedo. Now to find Miss Emiko before she does something that I'll regret… Like take my Daisuke away from me. I swear that woman needs some serious medication.
Trying to look casual, I slip into my cold demeanor and slide into the party, unnoticed.
Well, ALMOST unnoticed that is… If it weren't for that blonde idiot we ran into recently.
"HEY! You're that kid who matched my duct tape!"
I groan as all the attention becomes focused on me.
Ah shit.
Funabashi
"This is a GREAT party Mr. Saga! Just look at the turnout! It's amazing… A lot of pretty women in here for you to take your pick of, huh?" What an idiot. He was doing so well kissing up until he uttered the evil word.
Women.
"Good sir! You certainly don't mean these deranged people… I'd never stand for it! How dare you utter such blasphemy in my presence! GET OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFORE I SICK THE SUICIDE POTATOS ON YOU! I'M NOT AFRAID TO TAKE THEM OFF THEIR PREVIOUS MISSION FOR THIS!"
The man was so frightened at the outburst that he wet himself and ran away; not even registering what was really said to him. I sigh. I can tell already that it will be a long night.
"Sir, you should calm down… You are scaring your guests." Why must I always be the voice of reason in this relationship?
Not that there is a relationship.
And certainly not from lack of wanting.
…
I said nothing.
"Who cares? They're just here for the free food anyways." Probably… Who in their right mind would want to be near Keiji Sag—
"Mr. Saga! Oh it's so wonderful to finally meet you! You'll be perfect for my son. This SLUT girl just dumped my poor baby and he needs a lover. You must meet him. Oh! Here's a picture. He's such a cutey isn't he? So when will you come by? Tomorrow? At noon? Oh that's wonderful! I'll serve lunch and tea. My Daisuke will be SO pleased to meet you!"
…I still stand by my statement. No one in their RIGHT mind would want to be near Keiji Sag—
"Oh of course I'll be there! He is handsome… Actually, I believe we met him earlier, didn't we Funa-chan? I'll be there tomorrow at noon. Don't worry about making lunch… I'll take us all out to lunch so we can better get acquainted! Such a cute boy."
…I just stand there and watch them go back and forth. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that these two were relate—
"Oh that sounds wonderful, but I insist. Lunch at my house. I refuse to take no for an answer. Then you can take Daisuke out for dinner! Oh! And don't forget to molest him on the way home! My poor little virgin boy… He's growing up so fast!"
I feel sorry for this poor, poor child. I bet he doesn't even know what his mother is doing right now—
"Wonderful! I love the sound of that. So your place. Tomorrow. Noon. I'll bring the wine and duct tape. You are a great woman. Your little Daisuke is so lucky to have a mother who cares as much as you do! I can't wait to get my hands on this boy."
…I wonder how old this Daisuke is—
"Perfect! So it's a date then. Oh, by the way, I'm Emiko and he's sixteen. So any sex plans you have might have to wait… Or I'll just look the other way! Wait? What sex plans? What were we just talking about?"
………
This woman is insa—
"Exactly! Well then, Emiko, I will see you tomorrow. Have a nice trip home. Oh wait! Here! Take a free silver platter! I have far too many."
Those platters are worth 600 dollars a piec—
"Oh THANK YOU! I will be sure to use it as lovingly as I would my own child! I must be going to prepare for tomorrow. I look forward to it and so does Daisuke! Toodles!"
Use it as lovingly as I would my own child? … What the hel—
"Bai bai dear! Oh Funi-chan, isn't she a wonderful woman! I can't wait to re-meet her son! He's that red-head we met while putting up posters… Oh don't you remember? He had the blue boy with him as well… I wouldn't mind getting closer to him too. This party is MUCH too dull for my taste. All the women should leave and all the hot men should have an orgy… Funa-chan! Lace the water with Viagra now! My orgy plan will come into affect in a half an hour!"
And he leaves. I sigh again. Sometimes I wonder why I put up with all this… and then I see his ass as he walks away.
Such a wonderful asset…
……
I said nothing.
"HEY! You're that kid who matched my duct tape!"
I whip my head around and find Keiji, pointing openly as the blue haired kid we saw the other day. He looks as though he wouldn't mind exploding right there on the spot…
Or maybe that exploding is meant for Keiji… Either way, he's not safe from the masterful Keiji Sage.
Who has just went over to him and started kissing him?
How DARE he touch what's mine! That blue bastard! I WILL KILL HIM!
….
This is NOT jealousy…
I simply don't want anyone to get in the way of my precious relationship with the sexiest man on earth.
COMPLETELY different from jealousy.
Duh.
Satoshi
Why the HELL is he kissing me? I quickly shove him away and wipe my mouth.
"What the hell do you think your problem is! You can't just go up to people and start KISSING the—"
"OOO! Let's dance!" I blink. A provocative techno tune just started playing, and someone turned on the strobe lights.
Suddenly, I realize I'm a tad too overdressed for this party.
Oops.
I have no time to linger on that thought, however, once a very eager Saga Keiji starts to press up against me in some twisted form of dancing.
Oh well. Maybe if I befriend him, I can talk him out of going after Daisuke…
Always the logical thinker here, you know…
I begin to dance back, much to the delight of Mr. Saga. After a moment I glance around, completely startled by the death glare being sent to me by a young man with black hair.
…
Mr. Saga's assistant…
What a wonderful turn of events.
Daisuke
"MOOOOOM! LET ME OUT ALREADY, PLEASE? DAD? GRANDPA? ANYBODY!"
This has been going on for a little over an hour now. Yelling isn't doing anything other than giving me a raw throat… But I'll be damned if I just sit around while my mother is trapazing around the town trying to sell my virginity!
Wait.
Is "trapazing" a word?
Oh well. It is now.
I groan and walk over to my window, resting my hot and sweaty forehead against the cool comforting glass. It's nice and cool outside… So hot in here. I reach forward and open the window, letting the chilling breeze wash over me for a few minutes.
Mm… Wait…
Window?
Breeze?
……
If I thought I felt stupid when Dark surpassed me on a math exam, that is NOTHING compared to this moment. I shake my head quickly and jump out of the window, landing on the tree next to it and climbing down gracefully.
Well…
Gracefully until I got to the ground and tripped over a root.
I regain my footing and brush the dirt off of my clothes. I was out of the house. Perfect!
But now I have one little problem.
I have no idea where my mother is.
Kevin
"Oh… oh… OH KEVIN! Uhn…"
…
This is the best day of my life.
Funabashi
I can't believe I'm doing this… But it's the only thing I can do to get closer to Keiji and Satoshi and EXACT MY REVENGE!
….
What? Did you expect me to stand around by Keiji all day, everyday and not lose my mind?
Well you are wrong.
Very, very wrong.
I usher the women outside, promising them that Keiji is on his way… Before I close the gates and lock it, grinning madly.
"Goodbye dears…"
I walk back inside, grinning evilly in my head while the women scream and bang against the gate.
Saxon
…This water tastes funny…
Keiji
This boy really knows how to move… But he's wearing the ENTIRELY wrong clothing! Though… I have to give him credit. He's the only one who sticks out.
GASP!
I LOVE this boy! He knows how to draw attention to himself!
I smirk and push up against him, fully enjoying this fast paced song… And by the look on his face I can tell he is too.
I can't wait. Five more minutes. Mwhahahahahah
Suddenly, the song turns off, leaving us with a deafening silence.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
"Ok! Let's all retire to the back room, shall we?" I grin and begin to lead the way, pulling blue-boy along with me.
This is going to be grand…
Funabashi
Now to set my plan in effect! I must somehow get Keiji's attention away from the blue-headed whore…
But how?
I pace back and forth in the modeling room we were using earlier, thinking of how to get his attention.
Run in naked?
No… I'd get raped by all those men that are drunk on that Viagra laced water…
What do I do?
I groan and sit down on the floor, thinking. I stare absentmindedly at the broccoli outfit that poor shmuck was wearing earlier…
And the potato suit right next to it…
….
Perfect.
Olly
…I like this room. It's dark and there's a huge mat on the floor… and… Hot guys are everywhere.
Everywhere…
Suddenly I'm grabbed by this guy next to me, and he starts taking off my clothes.
"I'm Saxon… I'm gonna fuck you."
I groan, my hard-on getting even worse.
"I'm Olly… and please do."
Satoshi
Holy shit!
I look around the room, watching men fall over themselves to start molesting the person nearest to them.
………
Oh shit. I'm in an orgy room!
I pull back, stunned when a man grabs my ass and tries to pull me toward him.
I'm slightly less stunned when I realize it is Keiji.
But, that lessening in being stunned is replaced, and heightened, by being stunned because Keiji is only in his thong…
…I didn't want to know he even OWNED a thong…
Not that he doesn't look bad though. I groan slightly as he cups my erection.
Wait… Erection?
…
I look around, everything clicking in my brain.
I KNEW that water tasted funny.
Funabashi
"KEIJI! I'M COMING TO SAVE YOU FROM THAT DISEASE INFESTED BUTTPALOOZA FUCKER!"
I burst into the orgy room, completely ignoring the piles of naked and sweaty men on floor, and they ignore me. It works.
I search for Keiji, and I see him kissing that blue SLUT! I growl and grab a random article of clothing off the floor, which happens to be a sock, and run over to the two.
"BASTARD!" I rip the blue kid away from MY Keiji and punch him in the jaw, right before I shove the sock into his mouth.
"…Funa-chan? …Are you wearing a potato?"
I KNEW HE'D PAY ATTENTION TO ME!
"Why, yes of course?" I turn to him, batting my eyelashes. "Do you like it?"
"It's BEAUTIFUL Funi-chan! You would make a WONDERFUL model! Why didn't you ever try it?" He's getting closer to me. I love it!
"Well, I was always your… uhh… Secretary?" I smile at him, getting closer to him as well.
"Well maybe we should see the body underneath the potato and the suit?" He grins lecherously. I couldn't be happier…
Until I hear it…
RIIIIIIIIIIIP
What the hell? I look behind me and see that insane blue kid holding a knife, and glaring at me with daggers in his eyes before throwing a nasty, wet sock in my face.
"YOU BASTARD!" And he jumps me and lays a hard punch on my nose.
All I can think about it Keiji… Standing next to us… Looking on and squeeing with glee.
Daisuke
I trudge back up to my room, escorted by my mother who is talking animatedly about my new lover. Evidently, I failed in my plans to stop her. I sigh.
"—ou'll love him! It's Keiji Saga! The hottest and sweetest man on earth! And he's coming over tomo—"
That's where I started, and stopped listening.
Keiji?
Saga?
…That guy we met the other day?
……
At least he's hot.
Suddenly, I'm tossed into my room.
"Get some sleep Dai-chan! He'll be here tomorrow to de-virginize yo--...er… Go on a date with you!"
I sigh and lay on my bed.
Well this is just dandy.
Keiji
Oh they're fighting over me! Oh I LOVE it!
Satoshi
That goddamn potato freak! Why the HELL did he fucking start hitting me! I knee him in the groin and stab the potato suit again before storming out of the orgy room.
Well…
Not before I caught ear and eyefuls of the most erotic porn you could get…
Takeshi
"Oh my god Kevin! Don't stop… p… please…" I can't believe I'm begging… But...
Oh god…
It should be a sin to be able to do that with your tongue.
"Oooohhh…"
Saxon
I groan as I slide into that wonderful heat of this random cutey… Olly was it? He's so fucking cute. That boyish hair, and those startling green eyes.
Mine.
I push in and out of him, slowly, until he's whimpering and moaning. All for me.
Mine.
I give in and thrust erratically, somehow hitting his spot over and over. He's reduced to a pile of flesh, sobbing in pleasure.
He can't take much more… And it's because of me.
Mine.
I snake my hand down to his erection and start jacking him off in time with my thrusts. Soon, he comes with a loud shout, ending with the cutest whimper ever…
The noises he makes pushes me over the edge.
Mine.
I collapse on top of him, nibbling his ear. He moans quietly and licks my cheek, causing me to shudder.
Definitely mine.
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A/N(Kupo): Well that's it! Another chapter. There's no lemon… Even if I promised it… But I'm keeping you at bay with my lime! (Besides… If you REALLY want to read a lemon, go on my account and read the one-shot I wrote. BUTSU BUTSU IU-NA!)
(Schizo): I'm in charge of the aftermath! YES! MUAHAHAHAHA! Ah… This story will never die. Sex and humor can't die. It's going on forever. FOREVER. You'll be forty years old (if not already) reading this and it WILL BE GOING ON AND ON AND ON! And we'll make our children continue it after we die and they'll have their children continue it after they die and so on and so on and so on and so on and so on and so on until of course the Apocalypse comes and Satan and God read this, but they think it's genius and wonder how the documents just kept going so by default everyone in Kupo's and my family automatically go to heaven with all the gays and the lesbians and maybe the straight folk who just like to have sex with the same sex even thought they say they're straight but it really doesn't matter because it's fine with us, and so yeah, then we'll be in heaven with angels and maybe some ice cream and cake because it tastes good. I don't think I should have eaten that piece of cherry pie…
Reviews!
(Reviews on Kupo's account)
Schizo and proud:Kupo: Yes, I'm just fine!... Sort of. Schizo: Schizo! How dare you question Kupo if he's all right? ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SCHIZO? He is your friend! You know DAMN well he's not all right! COME ON! SEE! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE TAKING PRE-CALCULUS OVER AGAIN! IDIOT!
Shadow Vampiress:Kupo: …Be careful. Don't forget about those monkey testicles that are trying to rape your keyboard! Schizo: Who wouldn't want to rape that fine piece of tech-nol-ogy. Mmm…I want a piece of that shit…
KireiRakuen:Kupo: It IS addicting… isn't it? It's INSANELY addicting. Schizo: Of course it's addicting. We put some serious drugs in this story. Duh.
Fishtank the Stephs: Kupo: Well… It was only three chapters in one day because I just decided to post it up on my account, as well as Schizo's account. Why? … I dunno. Schizo: Steph, tee-hee. That's my real name! Well, it's StephANIE, but…same difference. And Kupo is just silly. Tee-hee…silly…
Anon:Kupo: Sweet Anal Nectar? … That DOES sound dirty. Schizo: Sweet Anal Nectar? That sounds like something that would taste good on my pancakes. I want some!
Animegurl088:Kupo: …Thank you. Schizo: Good fic? GOOD FIC? It's not only GOOD, it's…it's…it's G-O-O-D fic. But thank you, sweetie.
Aelitaclone1251:Kupo: YAY! I HAVE ANOTHER STALKER! w00t! Schizo: I forgot how many stalkers I have…I must give them more attention…
(Reviews on Schizo's account)
KupoWrath:Kupo: Frankly… I think it's about damn time you got this chapter and your one-shot done… I was starting to think about yelling at you! Schizo: Kupo, don't be so hard on Kupo… He's a lovely boy who TAKES FOREVER IN UPDATING but he's a lovely boy, bless his heart.
MoonlightPrincess:Kupo: Well… We are evil people. Schizo: Very evil. Roar.
Shadow Vampiress:Kupo: Don't fear Keiji! …Fear the broccoli suit. Schizo: Don't be worried about us… If you do, you'll only get sucked in with us…but it's fun with us…
Silverlight Neko:Kupo: Thank you! That was a wonderful articulate review of shameless praise! I LOVE it. Schizo: Oh crap. She gave me the drug of shameless praise. Damn. Now I have to go back to the rehabilitation center for Shameless-Praise Addicts (SPA)
Venom syringe:Kupo: I wonder… Is Funabashi ever NOT drunk? Don't you kinda… HAVE to be drunk to be around Keiji as long as he is? Schizo: I thought Kevin was drunk…but yeah, Funabashi is always drunk. He's also chalked up full of whiskey and VODKA!
Disco-Dancing on the Roof: Kupo: Soda out of the nose? …I feel so accomplished right now. (And I'm not even being sarcastic!) Schizo: You should have a record deal. You'll make millions with your songwriting genius!
Angel Born of Darkness: Kupo: Pfft… Who could stay in denial with a hot man licking at your ear? And Daisuke… gets… Keiji. (Says so in this chapter XD) Schizo: Daisuke could get anyone… I don't even remember what the pairings are going to end up being anymore… We literally made the plot up in…what? Two minutes?
DevilintheAngel:Kupo: Well… She was talking to you Schizo… Not me. XD Schizo: Um, thank you! I did not know I was one of your favorite authors, but Kupo has to be one too since he is ALSO writing this… No favoritism in here unless you are speaking of both of us! All right, love? All right.
Insanevegetables:Kupo: Well… I don't really want to die… So here. (And I LOVE your name. XD) Schizo: Yeah…we…don't want to die, but if you kill us then your entertainment goes…so…HAH. Think about that. (And yes, your name rules.)
Lttlemscrzy:Kupo: The craziest person ALWAYS wins dear…Schizo: I am just crazy, not the craziest, but one day, ONE DAY I will reach my goal!
Evil Overlord of my Own Mind: Kupo: Haven't talked to you in forever dear. And the lack of a long review cuts me deep man… /shniffle…/ Schizo: You should be ashamed of yourself! You didn't even try on the review! I'm…I'm hurt. I'm…I'm really hurt.
Kiss to my sweet prince: Kupo: Look! I updated! Schizo: Yeah, he updated. And…um, well, sit down and enjoy.
Hyper Chef:Kupo: …What's going to be your e-mail address? And the pole and the stapler send their regards. Schizo: Did your muses enjoy their vacation? I hope they did.
Aelitaclone1251:Kupo: XD… you reviewed both of the stories? You must REALLY want that lemon! Schizo: Wow. She did. You little sex-crazed yaoi fan devil-girl, you…
It's the voices' fault: Kupo: If Keiji wasn't random… The world would implode. Schizo: If Keiji wasn't random, then how the HELL would he keep his job?
Chisora:Kupo: I love kooky. XD Schizo: Kooky spooky, looky!
N3ko:Kupo: …/blinkblink/… Wow… I was almost expecting you to come through my door to glue me to the chair… IT'S BEEN SEVEN MONTHS! YOU CHICKENED OUT! HAHAHAHAH! Schizo: YEAH! But you know, that threat really isn't a threat. I would have actually loved you if you did.
Kumori-hime:Kupo: …Tic-tacs are insane peoples' crack. Schizo: No they aren't/shoves tic-tacs down her throat and violently shakes/ They…they AREN'T!
Anime Monster:Kupo: w00t! We made someone fangirl! YES! Schizo: I have accomplished one of my life goals… just 348 to go…
…So many reviews… I though my eyes were gonna explode.
Kupo
To think I started editing and replying to this an hour ago…My god you people are generous.
Cheers-Steph
