A/N: This is mid-Eclipse through the end of Breaking Dawn from Edward's perspective. Thanks for reading!
These characters are not mine and all belong to Stephenie Meyer.
Thank you to MorganKFreeman, Guiltypleasure82, Janett Nikolaus, losberbisque-1, Amanda Pall, BrownEyedGirl815, ReeceK, myspunkette, InAwe, breadlord69, BruSwan, and my guest reviewer for your reviews! You guys always make my day - I love how supportive the Twilight fandom is.
Sorry for the slight delay in posting this!
Nessie (Breaking Dawn)
No one dared enter the study covered in blood as it was. Especially not after Rosalie's lapse.
I cradled Bella, draped in a disposable sheet, in one arm as I soaked up the blood from the operating table. Her heart pounded violently into my ribs, her quick breaths were bursts of heat against my bare chest.
I attended to her body next, clearing the dried blood and sweat from her skin. Her incision had closed and the deflated balloon of her stomach was starting to recede. The stretch marks were already bleached white and the bruises faded. I wasn't sure what to do about her hair. Maybe Alice would have an idea.
After I'd cleaned the study best I could, I bagged all the bloodied remnants of the ordeal and dropped them out the window.
"Alice," I murmured.
She looked ahead. Yes, she could handle it now.
The door creaked open and she tiptoed inside, her arms full.
She appraised me where I stood wearing only a pair of bloodstained pants. "You look awful."
I snorted.
"Here." She set down the plastic bin she was holding and fished out a small pile of fabric.
Giving me privacy, she turned to look at Bella while I changed.
"Holy..." she breathed, her eyes scanning the hundreds of fading pink crescents marking up the exposed skin of Bella's arms, neck and upper chest. Went to town on her...
"Missed that, hm?" I asked sourly.
She didn't pick up on my mood. "I couldn't watch any longer..." she whispered, pain mingling with her shock as she remembered. "Jasper caught up to me and then Carlisle called him." She laughed once.
"Alice!" Jasper shook her gently. "Alice, she's alive."
"She's not!" she sobbed.
"Look! Look and then tell me she's dead."
Alice laughed again. "And there she was." Her arm around me just like I saw at the very beginning. "You're something else, Edward." I doubt even Carlisle could've pulled her from the grave like that. She's lucky to have you.
Right. That was the takeaway.
Alice washed Bella's hair in the plastic bin and worked the blood out of my own hair with a wet comb when I refused to leave Bella's side to shower.
I helped her dress Bella in an impractical silk gown, aware of Alice's growing impatience. She wanted to get back to her niece.
Which reminded me...
"I suppose I should thank you."
Alice frowned in confusion.
"For the pep talk. During the reception..."
"Ah." She cleared her throat. "Right. Welp, I should get back downstairs." Can't have too many referees down there.
She turned to leave.
"Alice?"
"Yeah?"
"Could you bring her to me?"
She grinned and nodded. I think Jasper and I can manage to wrestle her away from Rosalie. Plus, I don't think she or Jacob want to mess with you right now.
No. They absolutely did not.
I watched Bella's skin crystalize, remembering...
"A beautiful, healthy daughter," I whispered into the phone.
"A daughter," Carlisle echoed, a smile in his voice. I heard Esme's jubilation in the background.
I found Renesmee dreaming peacefully. Colors moving in front of her eyes. White light that faded, revealing my face. Golden curls and the pleasant feel of warm water on her skin. And eyes... almost black beneath heavy brows.
At the same time I registered Rosalie's panic. Jacob Black's distress.
What now? Why was he still here?
"Carlisle, I have to go. Call Alice," I said urgently. "Send her home."
Rosalie was backing slowly toward the front door, her eyes darting between the baby and the odd expression on Jacob Black's face. Maybe Alice saw me disappear... maybe she'll come... I'd ignored her pleas for help, apparently. Bella's going to kill me. I promised her...
I searched for the threat she saw in Jacob. His mind was almost peaceful - of course he would have heard Bella's heart restart since, inexplicably, he'd stuck around - but over that was anxiety, uncertainty.
"Stay back," Rosalie warned, her lips curling up from her teeth.
"I'm not going to hurt her." Jacob sounded on the verge of tears. "Or you. I'm - I'm - it's hard to explain..."
Seth could talk to Edward... No. No, I'll talk to him. Edward owes me. He owes me. Not so sure he'll see it that way anymore. Bella won't. Bella's gonna kill me.
"What's hard to explain?" Rosalie asked through her teeth. "Why are you still here? Why are you looking at her like that?"
Like a mother looking at her newborn child...
"No," I breathed.
"Did... Did Bella ever tell you about Sam and Emily?"
"Who?" Rosalie hissed.
I pinched the bridge of my nose. Maybe Bella would kill them. Jacob at least. But she'd come for me first. Our child wasn't an hour old and I'd allowed a grown man to... claim her.
"I hate you, Jacob Black."
His heart stuttered. He knows. He knows and I'm still alive.
"For now," I growled.
I didn't choose this, Edward. It's just like Sam. Like Quil. I just wanna keep her safe. Happy. That's all. You can see that.
I took a long look at Bella. I wouldn't leave her. Not like this.
Edward, what the hell's going on? Rosalie demanded.
"Give the baby to Alice," I ordered, hearing her and Jasper's approach. "Jacob can explain what he's done." I said his name like the curse it was.
I left it up to Jasper. He could either help Rosalie kill Jacob or try to stop the fight.
Had it been me down there, I would have just watched. So I was disappointed when Jasper, entirely moved by the strong emotions radiating out of Jacob, stood in the way of violence.
The study door creaked open again.
Alice lowered the swaddled baby into my arms. She was still sleeping.
Jacob wants to speak with you.
"I know."
Will you talk to him?
"No."
She pursed her lips. It might be wise to come to some sort of resolution before Bella... wakes up.
"I don't want him in here."
She considered the furious set of my features. You're probably right. Maybe when you've had time to calm down.
"Maybe."
I hadn't told him to leave. Well, I wasn't talking to him, but I hadn't asked Jasper or Alice to kick him out though Rosalie continued to pester me about it. They insisted he keep his distance from the baby, still wary of the whole situation, which was part of the reason he wanted to talk to me.
Emmett would be home in a few hours. At Rosalie's insistence, he'd split off from Esme and Carlisle who were still gathering donor blood for the baby. I didn't think he'd fight Jacob Black when he got the true lay of the situation, but he might. I'd hope for that.
It helped, holding Renesmee. She was dreaming still. About white lights. About the little suds that formed on her skin as Rosalie washed her.
She truly felt like mine now. Before, when I'd heard her mind, it was easy to see her as Bella's. Objectively, biologically, I knew she was a part of me. And I was happy to have that tie to her so I could claim this part of Bella. But, from the moment I'd seen her little toes splash out of that bloody hellhole, she was mine. A straight line connected us now.
"You fought pretty hard to get here, didn't you?" I murmured under my breath. "A strong will. You got that from your mom." I chuckled. "Though if it wasn't for my weak will, you wouldn't exist. So there's that."
I studied her face looking for Bella in it. Her flushed cheeks and maybe her nose - maybe - but there was a lot of me there. Her hair, too. Now that it was blood-free I could see the curls she'd inherited from Charlie carried a reddish-brown hue much like my own. Like my mother's. I smiled. If only the woman knew what would become of her son when she'd made that final request of Carlisle...
I shook my head. It was all so surreal.
My eyes darted back to Bella. She still looked pretty sickly and she was losing color now, not gaining it. The dress didn't help. It was loose on her, fitting like a bag over bones. The scent of morphine was still strong and that was enough for me to hold out hope that I hadn't somehow botched it all.
I narrowed my eyes concentrating.
I heard Rosalie and Jacob bickering.
"You hated her. You wanted her dead."
"I didn't hate her I just didn't understand her," Jacob said, almost believing the lie himself.
Seth was there. Not gonna matter either way when Edward kills him. He sighed. Or Leah.
I heard Alice and Jasper, stressed, but happy enough given how the night had turned around.
But I couldn't hear Bella. Not yet.
I'd held out hope that that would be the silver lining of changing her. That maybe her mind would be open to me when we were the same species.
But maybe species had nothing to do with it. Maybe it was still too early - the venom hadn't worked its way through her head yet. Or, maybe, there was nothing to hear because I'd been too late.
No.
She was in there. She would come back to me.
Jacob Black's face. My infant daughter was dreaming of Jacob Black and it wasn't a nightmare. It was all joy and relief. Comfort. It wasn't the first time she'd dreamed of him, either.
"Did you know your little crush on Jacob Black almost started a war?" I murmured. "You'll have to help me understand some day. I still don't get it."
That wasn't entirely true. I could see how completely altered he was. The purity of his thoughts. The selfless familial love and obsessive concern he had for her.
I could see it, but I didn't like it. It wasn't right for an unrelated adult man to fixate on a small child like this. I knew the human mind. This type of situation always spelled trouble. Without exception.
No one disturbed us. Though they all waited anxiously downstairs to see Renesmee again, they guessed correctly that I would let them know when I was ready to part with her.
It was just starting to grow light outside when Renesmee wiggled in her blanket. Her lips, shell pink, formed a perfect O as she yawned.
"Good morning, little one."
Her eyelids fluttered, barely opening at first, and then they widened.
Awe. Hers and mine as we studied each others' eyes.
I'd saved her, she remembered. I was safe. Her protector.
"I'm your..." - father seemed too formal - "dad."
Renesmee didn't have a "voice" yet, so to speak, though there was a very distinct tenor to her thoughts. So it was my voice when she echoed back, Dad. Then Rosalie's. Daddy. She remembered Rosalie - auntie - talking to her. "Momma and Daddy are upstairs..." Renesmee remembered Bella covered in blood and I could hear the curiosity in her thoughts. Momma. Rosalie's voice again.
"Yes, that's Momma."
Renesmee seemed unfazed by the fact that I'd answered her thought.
Momma, she said again in Rosalie's voice, but I sensed a question in it.
I turned and angled her so she could see Bella.
Momma. She seemed dissatisfied by Bella's stillness.
"Momma's sleeping," I fibbed. "She'll wake soon."
Renesmee sighed impatiently not understanding, but was quickly distracted by a pressing thought. Jacob Black's face. What did she call him?
"That's Jacob," I said bitterly.
Her eyes narrowed in confusion over my tone before returning to the ice blue silk of Bella's dress.
"Dress," I told her. Putting words to her very visual thoughts.
Dress. She liked it. The shimmer of the fabric.
"It's pretty," I told her. "A pretty dress."
"Pretty baby," Rosalie had cooed to her. "Pretty Renesmee."
She thought of Rosalie's golden locks, the painting outside the bathroom where Rosalie washed her, the diamond on Rosalie's necklace...
Pretty. She replayed my voice, waiting for my confirmation that these things were indeed pretty.
"Yes," I laughed, stunned by her intelligence.
She looked back at the silk, longing to touch it.
I unwrapped the top of Renesmee's blanket freeing one of her little arms and lowered her onto the table so she lay beside Bella's hip. Keeping one hand on Renesmee, I gently pulled the excess fabric of the dress so it was directly over her tiny palm.
She grasped it, and her jaw dropped as she appreciated its texture.
Pretty dress.
"Momma's pretty dress."
Momma's pretty dress.
"Momma's pretty blue dress."
Blue. She showed me my lips shaping this mysterious new word.
Touching each as I spoke of them, I told her, "This is momma's blue dress. This is Renesmee's blue blanket. This is daddy's white shirt."
And just like that she understood blue, blanket, white, and shirt.
She asked for a hundred more words before she was content, learning twice as many passively along the way.
I immediately recognized Bella's incessant curiosity. Just like Bella, Renesmee's brown eyes would look off for a moment as she organized the new information.
There was a rumble downstairs - Emmett's laughter. He'd just returned home and found the whole imprinting situation incredibly amusing.
Renesmee trembled at the sound, seeking reassurance in my face.
"Shh, shh." I kissed her forehead. And, like a compulsion, I sang to her. "Here comes the sun do, do, do..."
Her eyes nearly popped out of her head.
"Here comes the sun. And I say, it's all right."
She sighed and touched her hand to my face.
"Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter..."
A long cold lonely winter. And Renesmee was the springtime sun, come to melt the ice away.
"Carlisle."
He laughed at the undisguised relief in my voice.
"They're filing complaints downstairs." He smirked. "Apparently you're not sharing."
"Well, you heard what happened the last time I let her out of my sight..."
Jacob Black was gone. For the moment. I didn't know where he went - I'd been too absorbed by my daughter and actively ignoring him - but I was certain he'd be back.
"She inherited Bella's luck, apparently, " I said.
"Oh, I really hope not." Carlisle's tone was light, but a look of true apprehension flashed quickly across his face.
Carlisle peered over my shoulder.
Renesmee blinked several times as she took him in.
My lips turned up in amusement.
"What is it?" he asked, his tone saturated with fascination already.
"You remind her of the surgical lights when she was born. And the sun."
We'd watched the last of the sunrise together through the study window. She'd been amazed watching the horizon as it transformed from grey to coral. The leaves turning from a dull green to vivid jade.
Carlisle chuckled. I'm a little disappointed. Emmett thought I was God, after all.
He turned to Bella. She sounds so strong. And the morphine - I smell it still. "That's a good sign, Edward."
I nodded, not trusting my voice.
Bella continued to be still and silent. My anxiety was growing by the minute though Renesmee's presence helped.
Tell me more about Renesmee's growth. Have you noticed more changes since Rosalie called?
"Her hair's longer. And her arms and legs. Just fractions of an inch, but in a matter of hours, Carlisle."
I'd started to notice a slight narrowing of her face, the lengthening of her hair. Even with perfect recall, I didn't trust myself. I didn't want to. I'd asked Alice and Rosalie to look at her and tell me if they noticed anything. Of course they saw it, too. Rosalie called Carlisle in a panic.
Jacob Black nearly had a heart attack as he eavesdropped. It wasn't much later that he disappeared.
Renesmee patted my cheek, not missing my stress even as I tried to disguise it. She read me better than Alice and Carlisle already, making me wonder if I'd ever fooled Bella.
Would it be all right if I examine her?
"Yes, please." I looked down at my daughter, softening my expression. "Renesmee, this is your grandpa."
She stretched her arm towards him.
"She wants to touch your hair. To see if it feels like Rosalie's."
Carlisle held her up supporting her head as she stretched her hand towards his blonde hair. Her fingertips brushed across it.
It wasn't as soft as Rosalie's she decided.
"Well?" he asked Renesmee.
She cocked her head.
"I think she's gotten used to communicating with me. She's wondering why you don't just know what she's thinking. I'm pretty sure she - "
Carlisle gasped.
Renesmee had pressed her palm to his cheek and now he saw, just as I did, her memory of his face. Heard me saying "Grandpa." Watched her dual memories of touching Rosalie's hair and touching his.
She dropped her hand.
"She - did she do that?" Carlisle asked, stunned.
Renesmee played back his reaction, confused. She stared at him waiting for him to explain.
I chuckled and guided her hand back to his face.
Grandpa. She shared my voice with him again.
"Yes." He nodded numbly. "I'm your grandpa."
She looked at me, frowning. Daddy.
"Yes, I hear you."
She accepted that. Daddy could hear her all the time and Grandpa when she touched his face. It really wasn't that exciting in comparison to the other things she'd discovered today like sunrises, music, and the color orange.
Edward, come on. Stop ignoring us, what's she doing? Emmett.
"Esme hasn't even gotten to meet her, and Jazz and I haven't seen her awake yet," Alice whined from downstairs. "Let us have her for a little while."
"I'm sure she's hungry," Rosalie piled on.
I rolled my eyes and waved Carlisle toward the door. "Fine."
Quite the opposite of Bella, Renesmee basked in attention, eating up the doting adoration of her family. She loved watching their faces light up as she shared her memories and pictures.
An eagerness to please her family - I supposed she had gotten that from me.
Special. She heard them say it again and again. She was special and she knew it.
And so had Bella, somehow. With just one little nudge, she'd understood. Sacrificed her human life to give us the most perfect gift. A precious little girl who breathed new life into the Cullen family. Even war-hardened Jasper was not immune - they played peekaboo and he was more into it than Renesmee was.
I held Bella's hand wishing desperately she could appreciate the scene downstairs for herself. I would have given anything for her I-told-you-so in that moment.
I've never had a big family before now, she'd said. It's nice.
How long until she could appreciate that family? Her daughter? Would she even want to see Renesmee amid her crazed thirst? Maybe. Probably. But how long until she should be around her?
And complicating all of those questions was Renesmee's rapid growth. How could I possibly keep Bella from this child who might not only be mortal, but also potentially have a lifespan far shorter than the average human. The fear sent an aching through my chest.
Then there was Jacob Black. Scum of the earth Jacob Black. The universe's idea of a joke? A never-ending punishment for my sins? Karma for constantly hurting and deceiving Charlie. For stealing away his only child in a bloody scene more disturbing than any horror film?
Or was Jacob Black family?
It feels... complete when you're here, Jacob, Bella had said. Like all my family is together.
Why hadn't I seen it? The baby's strange calm when he was near. Bella and Jacob Black's growing need for one another. The pull. How that pull moved as Rosalie carried the child downstairs.
White hot rage. My free hand clenched into a fist remembering how he'd quit on Bella. How he'd abandoned me.
I took a deep breath and put my lips to Bella's ear. "Come back to me, Bella. Please. Come back to me."
For a long time I just listened. To Bella's heartbeats and breaths. To my daughter, devouring her new world with wonder.
Must be Jacob, Alice mused as her vision went dark.
We'd been on alert, not sure when Sam Uley's pack would get word of the birth.
Edward, Jacob Black called as he sprinted towards the house.
"He talked to Sam," I told Carlisle. "Jacob says it's against their law to harm Renesmee because he's imprinted on her so she's safe now. He's bringing Sam alone to discuss reforming the treaty."
"Wow," Carlisle said. He's quite responsible, isn't he? And efficient.
Carlisle had taken the imprinting news better than anyone else. He'd grown quite fond of Jacob and he found the concept of imprinting quite interesting.
"Shall we go outside to meet Sam?" he asked.
"I'm not leaving Bella. Besides, I don't think I have the self control to deal with Sam Uley diplomatically."
Carlisle sighed.
They managed without my translation services. Sam trusted Jacob enough following their reconciliation and was persuaded to phase. Though Sam agreed to reinstate our truce, his thoughts were heavy with resentment. The Cullens had torn apart his family. His community. He blamed me most of all. I was the one depraved enough to copulate with a human. It was my aberrant act that put things in motion and led to Jacob Black's ensnarement into our world.
Now I've given you everything, Jacob Black argued. Now I have nothing left to give. Will you please give me just a couple minutes of your time?
His actions were offerings, bargaining chips as he angled for access to Renesmee. Of course he would have done these things for her no matter what. But I could see now that it was his anxiety over her growth that had sent him running. He wanted to know her. Get as much time as he could with time being such an uncertain thing.
Rosalie was livid when I gave the go ahead for Jacob to hold Renesmee, but I needed to hear this for myself before I talked to him. She refused to hand Renesmee to him directly so Esme had to act as a go-between.
Esme nuzzled Renesmee's cheek. "Pretty Renesmee." She gave Jacob a warm smile and placed my daughter into the dog's waiting arms.
"Renesmee." His voice was strained with emotion.
She looked into his eyes and slowly lifted her hand to his face.
"Whoa!"
He saw his own face. It was furious. Violent shudders running through his body, crouched as if to attack. And then abruptly he was still. Collapsed onto his knees, his face blank and staring.
When Renesmee was born she'd felt as if she already knew Bella. Her voice and warmth were familiar. And her beating heart. Somehow, Renesmee felt the same sure connection with Jacob Black. She'd reasoned that I was good because I'd saved her. Trusted Carlisle and Rosalie because I had. But with him, it was automatic. No questions asked.
"That's Jacob." She played the memory of my unwilling introduction for him.
"Yeah, that's me..." He said in a dazed voice.
"She can share her thoughts through touch," Alice explained.
Renesmee further educated him on the matter, sharing the others' initial impressions of her gift. "Renesmee, you're special."
"I'll say..."
She showed him everything then. Her momma in the pretty blue dress. The scary sound downstairs and my singing. The coral sunrise and the jade leaves. The vivid orange book on the shelf. Carlisle's face like a bright light. How Esme's golden eyes almost matched her caramel-colored hair. Alice's dancing. Jasper's scars...
After a while she dropped her hand and settled herself more comfortably in the cradle of his arms, closing her eyes. She liked how warm he was. He smelled nice, too...
Ouch!
I wasn't the only one snickering as Renesmee sank her teeth into him, slicing cleanly through several layers of skin.
He pressed his lips together to keep from making a sound, though it stung to say the least.
"She's hungry," Rosalie said brusquely.
"Are you hungry, little monster?" he cooed. "I doubt I taste very good. We'll have to find you something more nutritious."
Esme handed Jacob a cloth for his wound.
"Give her to me," Rosalie ordered. "I'll feed her."
"I don't mind feeding her," Jacob said, growing defensive.
"She drinks blood, mongrel. I was under the impression that our diet disgusts you."
"No," he said resentfully. "If it's what she needs then of course I don't mind." Like I want to starve a baby... "And I've hardly gotten the chance to hold her yet."
"It's been long enough." Rosalie angled her body pointedly towards the stairs. "Don't you think so, Edward?" she called.
I rolled my eyes and said nothing. I still wasn't over the whole bit where she tried to drain my dying wife after slicing her open unanesthetized.
"There you go, Nez." Jacob fed her from metal bottle Carlisle handed him.
Alice wrinkled her nose. "Nez?"
"I'm vetoing that one," Esme laughed.
"We gotta come up with something," Emmett commented. "Renesmee. I think the pregnancy hormones were hitting hard when Bella came up with that one."
Rosalie sniffed. "Well, I like it."
Renesmee was fast asleep when I finally summoned Jacob.
Emmett cackled in anticipation.
"Hope he takes your arms off, dog," Rosalie sneered.
But it was Carlisle, patting him on the back and lightly squeezing his shoulder, that made him most nervous.
"Come in," I said when he knocked.
I didn't look up from Bella when he entered.
Despite his apprehension he was giddy. Revoltingly happy.
"You look better," he said. When I didn't say anything he took a few steps forward and looked over Bella. "She does, too." Even with the weird skin.
Her skin had lost most of its pink undertone. It was just barely warm now.
"Can she hear us?" he asked in a low voice.
"Unlikely."
He pulled over one of the rolling desk chairs and studied me for a while.
"I get it now," he said. The way you look at Bella. How you can't deny her anything. He rubbed the nearly healed bite on his arm. How awful this has all been for you...
"I don't need your empathy, Jacob Black."
"Oh c'mon." We delivered a baby together. He shook his head, remembering it. That's gotta count for something.
He was seeing the world through rose colored glasses. Glossing over the difficult parts.
"You're memory's not a sharp as it used to be, dog."
"We're using pet names again?" He asked, chuckling.
His giddiness was agitating.
Probably shouldn't push him too far... Look, I know the whole imprinting thing is hard to take, especially since -
"Jacob," I interrupted. "I'm not happy about that in the slightest. I have quite a few opinions on the matter and, if I don't kill you first, we'll get to them. But can't you guess what infuriates more than any of that?"
You saw what Renesmee showed me earlier. When I was going to... hurt her. It pained him to think of it now. His feelings had changed so completely that it was hard for him to wrap his around his former mindset. He couldn't.
"Yes, but that's not what I'm talking about."
His forehead wrinkled in confusion.
I finally looked up, glaring at him. "You quit on her, Jacob," I said gesturing towards Bella. "You quit on her when she needed you most. When I needed you most. I counted on you."
"Oh," he said silently.
"Yeah." I turned back to Bella.
He sighed. "I did do that. But I was sort of having a moment," he said lamely.
"A moment that nearly cost Bella her life."
"No, I don't believe that." He thought of Renesmee. If something endangered her, failure wouldn't be an option. "You knew you were going to save her and so that's what you did."
"Maybe. This isn't normal," I whispered, toying gently with her limp hand. "For someone to be completely still. Silent."
"Carlisle said it's the morphine."
"That's just a theory."
"You're beating yourself up for no reason. Alice told me everything you had to do to bring her back." He shuddered. "Bella's fine - trust me. This is just how it is with her. She goes off and does some batshit crazy thing and then she comes back... or one of us drags her back kicking and screaming. You dragged her back."
It was strange to have him comforting me. Stranger that he meant every word and wasn't just trying to earn good will with me.
"And yeah, I did bail." After doing a hell of a lot to keep her going, but still... "you didn't, because you were always the right choice for her. That's the best part of all of this." The three of us don't have to hurt anymore, but we still get to be in each others' lives. Be family.
"Family doesn't bail, Jacob."
Hey, I stuck it out longer than Rosalie and Alice. Jasper couldn't even be in the house.
"I'm not going to defend Rosalie, but you know exactly why the others couldn't be here and exactly why I needed you. You're a runner Jacob. You get overwhelmed and you run away. Sure, you come back, but that's not good enough. You want my permission or blessing or whatever it is to be in her life. All other objections aside, how can I open her up to that kind of vulnerability."
This is different and you know it. You can hear it in my head... So... what are your other objections? he asked, already knowing the answer.
I gave him a sardonic look. "There's the fact that you're a grown man."
It looks bad, he admitted.
"It looks really bad."
The whole vampire dating a human thing didn't look so great, either.
I raised my eyebrows.
"Okay, this looks worse."
"A lot worse."
Yes, but you can see that it's pure. Brotherly. Set up camp in my head. I have nothing to hide.
"You can count on that. I will always be listening. And there will be no second chances."
"This is starting to feel very Godfather-ish."
"Make a joke of it if you will - it's your life - but I have never been more serious." I paused. "What has Bella told you about my history?"
His history? "Not really anything. I know you were here for the truce with my great-grandpa. I guess that's it."
I nodded slowly, my eyes on Bella's face. "You see Carlisle as kind and gentle. And it's true. He is. He is good. He's never tasted human blood. Neither has Rosalie. The others, with the exception of Jasper, have had a small handful of unintended incidents in their early years.
"I'm the outlier, Jacob. Though I was born into Carlisle's way of life, just as Esme, Rosalie, and Emmet were - though from the beginning I could hear Carlisle's thoughts and understand the absolute sincerity of his philosophy - I turned away from him. For four years I fed on human blood. Drained the bodies of hundreds of men. Disposed of their corpses in lakes and oceans and perfectly masked graves.
"I am every bit the the nightmare you've always thought me to be."
He shuddered, repulsed but not afraid.
"The men I hunted were vile creatures. Abusers, rapists, murderers. It was still wrong to kill them, but this was the way I justified things to myself. For as long as I could."
His easy buy-in to my justification was unexpected. He was still disgusted, but he didn't want to believe I was evil.
"They were all guilty, Jacob. Except for one."
He cleared his throat. "Except for one?"
"There was a young man. A little girl caught his eye... He never fulfilled his perverted plans. I never gave him the chance."
Jacob's eyes were hard. "Now I understand the history lesson." You think I'm some kind of pervert. A pedophile. "I know we haven't always gotten along, but I thought you knew me better than that." All of his earlier glee had faded away.
"I do know you better than that. And, no, I don't think you are either of those things. Not now. Nor do I predict you will become them." I looked him in the eye. "But isn't it better that we both understand each other now?" I asked, injecting a hint of menace into my tone. "You are not her only protector, Jacob Black."
You won't ever need to protect her from me, he vowed, holding eye contact.
"Good," I said dismissively, turning back to Bella. "I've never found the scent of your blood particularly appetizing."
"Wonderful," he retorted.
I took a deep breath. The idea of anyone hurting Renesmee made me see red. I'd quite deliberately leaned into that fury to get my warning across, but its aftertaste was unpleasant. I tried my best to shake it off.
"Now that we're through with that part," I said, "I'm not going to kick you out. Not today. But I do have a few rules."
"Of course," he muttered.
"You'll need to wear a shirt."
Obviously. He gestured to his new button-free t-shirt, courtesy of Alice. She'd supplied him with appropriately sized pants as well.
"No cursing."
I've been around children before, you know.
"You are never to be alone with her. And along those same lines, no La Push. While I don't imagine you'll ever be taking her anywhere, I never want her somewhere I can't follow."
He shrugged. "Easy."
"Lastly, she always has a choice. She doesn't need to know anymore about your bond than that you are, as you said, like a brother to her. I don't want her to ever feel her future has been pre-arranged."
"I completely agree," he said earnestly.
My daughter was not a child bride. If she was destined to be with him, she would discover that path on her own, not because she was told her whole childhood that that was the direction her life was headed in.
"Now, Bella... when she... wakes, she may have a different opinion of the matter. I will vouch for your thoughts, but that is the most I can give you - "
"About that," he interrupted. "You said once, if there was ever anything in your power to do for me..."
"I haven't killed you yet," I said flatly. "I'm letting you stay against my better judgement."
"Right." But it's not much more... I want to be the one to tell Bella.
"I don't know how she'll react - "
"I do," he sighed. "Badly." But I want her to hear my side of the story. You just threatened to drink my blood - I don't really trust your ability to present the situation neutrally.
"I'll consider it," I said grudgingly.
Promise me you'll let me tell her, he pleaded. Since I gave you permission to change her... and resolved all the Sam stuff... and kept her heart beating while you stuck her with venom even though apparently I get no credit for that...
"Fine," I grumbled. "They were taking bets, you know. While you were on your errand."
"Bets?"
"On whether or not she'll try to kill you."
He swallowed loudly. "And which position did you take?"
"I abstained."
He smirked at my regretful tone. I bet you wish it had been Seth. Who imprinted.
"I wish it wasn't any of you," I murmured.
Yeah, but if it had to be one of us, you'd pick Seth, he taunted.
I sighed. "A thousand times over."
He laughed heartily, not offended in the slightest.
Downstairs I heard my daughter's silent joy at the sound.
I groaned.
"Look, it's the weirdest thing but..." even with you sitting over there assuming the worst of me and acting more like a vampire than you ever have... I like you. And I know, with time, you'll like me again, too. He laughed. I'll wear you down just like I did with Bella.
"If you try to kiss me, I'll do more than break your jaw."
He crowed again. "Don't worry, I'll save the kisses for Seth from now on."
I rolled my eyes.
"There's one more thing."
"We'll play it by ear," I said with finality.
His eyes narrowed. "How old were those newborns out at the clearing? Months old? And they were completely rabid."
"Everyone's different. Besides, I will not put Renesmee in danger."
Gives Bella whatever she wants...
"Not exactly. I give her what makes her happy, what keeps her safe."
There's a lot of evidence that you prioritize the happiness part over the safety part.
I winced as images of a pregnant Bella moved through his head.
Some might call that poor judgement.
"You're still holding that grudge?" I asked with bleak amusement. "There would be no Renesmee if not for that poor judgement."
Have you forgiven yourself?
"No."
He snorted. "No, I'm not holding a grudge. It was meant to be, right?" I was so convinced the two of you together was just the most evil thing. So incredibly sick. But how could it have been when it resulted in Renesmee? This imprinting thing, it feels like... destiny. Like my life has always been moving towards hers, so yours was always moving towards Bella's.
In the few hours I'd known her, Renesmee had forcefully challenged my outlook on life. She was certainly the happy result of poor judgement. But I had to believe, too, as Bella did, as Jacob did, that she was also a product of love. Of something good.
That night... I no longer knew what to make of it.
Not everything was black and white. Renesmee seemed to be every color in between.
"But, back to what I was saying," Jacob said, interrupting my silent musing. I don't want to watch the center of my universe get devoured by her mother.
I felt a strange new flavor of jealousy in reaction to his doubt. More than brotherly, his devotion to Renesmee was almost parental. And she already had two parents.
"She's the center of my universe, too, Jacob. She's my daughter. I would never let harm come to her, but even if you don't believe that, it would make Bella incredibly unhappy to hurt her. Of course I wouldn't allow it."
He sighed and I knew that would not be the last of it.
"Go spend time with Nez while you can still walk."
Yeah, 'Nez' isn't going to work...
"Nessie?" I suggested sarcastically. There had been a fair amount of water present at her conception, after all.
He smiled a little as he stood. Nessie...
"I'm sorry, Charlie. They're doing everything they can."
"I don't understand. She sounded almost completely normal Sunday morning."
"I know," Esme said sympathetically. "She seemed to really be rallying, but she took a bad turn that night."
Charlie believed Bella had been transported to the CDC in Atlanta for tests Sunday evening before falling into a coma early the next morning.
It was Tuesday evening now and his daughter, though still very much in Washington state, did indeed appear to be comatose.
Carlisle checked her pulse. "Still no change?"
"None."
He leaned close to her, inhaling. "There's no scent of the morphine left."
"I know." There was no doubt now. Bella was suffering... or brain dead.
"Bella? Can you hear me?" Carlisle asked.
Nothing.
She'd probably be more likely to respond to you than me.
"Bella?" I murmured into her ear for the thousandth time. "Bella, love? Can you open your eyes? Can you squeeze my hand?"
I took her hand in mine as gently as if it were silk-covered glass, though it was as hard as mine now and not much warmer.
Nothing.
I dropped my face into my hands. "Maybe... Carlisle, maybe I was too late." My voice broke as I finally shared my grimmest thoughts. The ones that had terrorized me incessantly for almost two days now.
"Listen to her heart, Edward. It's stronger then even Emmett's was. I've never heard anything so vital. She'll be perfect."
"And her - her spine?"
"Her injuries weren't so much worse than Esme's. The venom will heal her as it did Esme."
His reassurances, Alice's, they did nothing for my anxiety. It only grew worse with every crawling second.
The delivery had been an absolute disaster. Nothing like how Carlisle had rehearsed it in his head. The scene had been completely contaminated. Unwashed hands. Jacob's blood on the scalpel. The second plunge of the needle into her heart. The drops of blood in the second injection of venom...
And she'd gone without breathing for so long. Would she be the first brain dead vampire? What would become of her soul? Was it already lost? Stuck somewhere in purgatory?
Or would she be trapped in her immobile body, hearing and thinking, but entirely unable to interact with the world around her?
"But she's so still. I must have done something wrong."
"Or something right, Edward. Son, you did everything I could have and more. I'm not sure I would have had the persistence, the faith it took to save her." He shook his head recalling Jacob and Alice's accounts. "Stop berating yourself. Bella is going to be fine."
"She must be in agony," I said in a broken whisper.
"We don't know that. She had so much morphine in her system. We don't know the effect that will have on her experience."
I stroked her arm with the back of my hand. "Bella, I love you," I whispered. "Bella, I'm sorry."
Her chest rose and fell, rose and fell, rose and fell. Her heart thundered on.
I couldn't even pretend she was sleeping. Her life signs were steady, but unnatural. Alien.
Can I convince you to speak with Rosalie and Jacob? Carlisle asked after a couple minutes. As Nessie's father you certainly have more leverage than the rest of us - I think they're both a bit afraid of you.
"No, I'm staying right here," I whispered. "They'll sort it out."
Jacob and Rosalie's relationship had become... hostile. Esme had carried Nessie into the backyard leaving the two, agitated by her absence, free to hurl insults and accusations at one another unrestrained. It escalated. Rosalie called Jacob a sexual predator. Jacob told her she was just bitter Bella survived because it meant she wouldn't get the baby she always dreamed of...
If Emmett and Jasper hadn't stepped in, it would have become violent.
Carlisle gave them a lecture on family - Carlisle and Esme had easily embraced Jacob as such. Emmett and Jasper felt like they were on house arrest again because they always had to situate themselves between Jacob and Rosalie. And Esme was working on a detailed schedule of who got to do what when.
Children.
"An interesting situation," Carlisle commented. "And I'd thought I'd seen just about everything."
"I'll deal with it later. We'll deal with it." I rubbed my thumb back and forth across Bella's palm.
"I'm sure, between the five of us, we can keep it from turning into bloodshed."
I sighed. "I don't know which side to take. I'd love to flog them both. Well, later."
"I wonder what Bella will think - whose side she'll take."
I chuckled once. The sound was strained. "I'm sure she'll surprise me. She always does."
She knew about imprinting, after all. From Jacob's silent planning of how he would go about the big reveal, I gathered she'd heard about Quil and Claire. He thought she'd been a little judgmental about it. But still, having some foreknowledge was better than none.
And he was her best friend. Maybe she'd be happy enough to have him a part of her family. Or at least understand his feelings since she had experienced them to a degree herself.
Would those feelings have truly left her as they had him? Were they truly entirely tied up in my daughter? I desperately hoped for that. That the love and need Bella had felt towards him had escaped her transformation when it would have very likely only intensified...
Alice visited in the morning.
"How much longer?" I demanded.
"It won't be long now," Alice assured me. "See how clear she's becoming? I can see her so much better." She sighed.
"Still feeling a little bitter?"
"Yes, thanks so much for bringing it up," she grumbled. "You would be mortified, too, if you realized that you were handcuffed by your own nature. I see vampires best, because I am one; I see humans okay, because I was one. But I can't see these odd half-breeds at all because they're nothing I've experienced. Bah!"
"Focus, Alice."
"Right. Bella's almost too easy to see now."
Bella opening her eyes. Bella staring at her hand. Bella looking into the mirror.
I was so relieved to see her up and moving, for once her blank immortal expression did not bother me. I sighed.
"She's really going to be fine," I breathed.
"Of course she is," Alice said condescendingly.
"You weren't so sanguine two days ago."
"I couldn't see right two days ago. But now that she's free of all the blind spots, it's a piece of cake."
"Could you concentrate for me? On the clock - give me an estimate."
She sighed. "So impatient. Fine. Give me a sec - " Her face went blank.
Between two-fifteen and two-thirty. Less than seven hours to go.
"Thank you, Alice." My voice was brighter.
"She's going to be dazzling."
I growled quietly. "She always has been."
Alice snorted. "You know what I mean. Look at her." She cocked her head a little to the side. I mean, if I was single and she was single... She was joking. Mostly.
I rolled my eyes.
Just saying, Alice added as she breezed out of the room, she's hot.
I'd been looking at Bella. Her skin. Its color a faint pearly glimmer as the venom erased her freckles and apricot undertone. Its surface smooth as her scars and pores vanished. Its substance thicker and firmer, filling in the emaciated pits of her body.
As I'd watched, I couldn't focus on grieving the familiar or admiring what was new. I did appreciate the healing. But mostly I'd stressed over her lack of responsiveness.
Now, with my anxiety somewhat cooled, I tried to take in the whole as Alice had.
Bella's face. This was where my eyes lingered the longest. Her cheekbones were higher and sharper. Her jawline straighter. The tip of her nose slightly less rounded. And her lips... They'd already been quite full, but they seemed set in a permanent pout now with the top still larger than the bottom. They were darker, too, though cooler in tone.
Staring at them, for the first time since we left Brazil, I felt stirrings of desire.
Her body, healed now, fit snugly in the silk dress. Her curves were accentuated - fuller than they had been even on the island with her new toned, gravity-resistant tissues.
Hot was an understatement. But so was beautiful. She'd been beautiful. She'd been breathtaking. A word didn't exist to describe this level of loveliness.
I shook my head. It was unhelpful to focus on her beauty. I had months of monkhood ahead of me. Given her last memories of me before her transformation, I could very well have an eternity of monkhood ahead of me. I deserved that.
The seconds passed slowly. I tried to distract myself from the clock by focusing on Nessie. Jacob was carrying her along the shore of the river, ignoring Rosalie who trailed close behind.
"Got your nose," he said, lightly pinching Nessie's nose.
Eyes huge, Nessie touched her face only to be relieved she wasn't missing anything. She broke into a huge grin before stealing his nose in playful retaliation. She wasn't nearly as gentle as he had been.
Adorable. But I was tired of looking at Jacob's face - Nessie stared at it a lot.
On top of my impatience, I burned horribly. Smelling the donor blood. Tasting her blood on my tongue again and again. It had been a very long time since I felt this thirsty.
But it wasn't Bella's scent that hurt me anymore and, with her still frozen as she was, I found that unnerving. I tried to focus on Alice's vision again - Bella would come back to me - and appreciate the lovely fragrance of her new skin. Still lavender and freesia, but delicious in a whole new way that reminded me of dormant hungers...
Hungers I would not think about, I reminded myself.
Two o'clock arrived, dragging its feet, and I sighed.
Any minute. Any second...
Bella's heartrate jumped, its rhythm reaching a frantic new pace.
"Carlisle," I called, my voice low.
Jacob and Rosalie, both nervous for Renesmee, shared a rare look of comradery. Jasper was all business. Carlisle was curious and relieved, yet cautious. Alice, Emmett, and Esme were giddy.
Carlisle strode into the room. Alice followed half a second later.
"Listen," I told them.
"Ah," Carlisle sighed. "It's almost over."
Alice could see Bella's eyes opening. The moment was imminent. "Soon," Alice said eagerly. "I'll get the others. Should I have Rosalie..." keep Nessie downstairs?
"Yes - keep the baby away."
Bella's hand twitched.
Everyone froze staring at her fingers which were still again.
My eyes were wide as I squeezed the three fingers that had moved. "Bella? Bella, love?"
Nothing.
"I'll bring them right up," Alice said as she darted away.
Bella's heart accelerated so severely it was hard to distinguish the individual beats any longer. It was almost a single sustained note that made her body visibly vibrate.
I remembered the feeling. How the pain had reached impossible new heights as it concentrated in my chest. My eyes stung imagining her suffering.
The others filed into the room. Jasper and Emmett stood in front of Alice and Esme.
Huh, Emmett thought. She is pretty hot. I see it now.
I was more than occupied and he hadn't meant it lewdly so I spared him.
Jasper saw only a threat. He couldn't get a good read on her as the process of transformation sent the body into haywire, but he knew what to expect.
Bella's back arched off the table. There was no accompanying movement or sound.
Surely she was in agony. I looked at Carlisle frantically.
It's almost over, he reassured me. Seconds now.
Her body slumped back to the table. Complete stillness again except for her galloping heart.
Jasper grabbed Carlisle's arm to pull him back. Carlisle looked at me and then at Jasper's urgent expression and nodded, moving to stand behind him.
Breath rushed out of Bella's mouth and there was a deep, hollow-sounding thud in her chest.
A pause.
Her heart stuttered twice.
Another pause.
It thudded again.
I held my breath waiting for the next beat.
It never came. She wasn't even breathing.
I was about to call out to Alice, panicked, when -
Thick, dark eyelashes parted to reveal large ruby-red eyes.
A/N: Next up... Bella the vampire.
Renesmee's personality and her relationship with Edward are largely absent from Breaking Dawn. I reread Book 3 of BD with an eye for those things and found they were only hinted at. I used to think it was because Renesmee was just a bland character, but now I think it's because SM was intentionally holding them back since she was considering a Nessie book even back then. I always felt a little shortchanged by Book 3, and I think I see now that that's why.
Thank you for reading!
