YAY! I got flamed for Chapter 18! Now THAT makes me happy! Nothing like getting a reaction. :efg: Ah, according to our mysterious flamer (hmm, nice name for a band. . .) I have been denigrating Harm to make Mac look better because I prefer Mac to Harm. :yawn: Can we get some new ammo? This Harm vs. Mac crap is getting ridiculously old. Sheesh!
And yes, I'm studying! Despite feeling like crap and having a cell splitting headache. :P
Take care all!
More next week.
Jackie.
PS: Yes, the New Harm is off kilter, but it won't be like that for too long. He'll be back! IT's an angst story. . .You know? Angst! ;)
PART 19 – Something Missing
January 22, 2011
1645 Local
Naval Medical Center San Diego
San Diego, California
Mac pulled her red Corvette into an empty space outside of Balboa then killed the engines. Hospitals were definitely not one of her favorite places. Since she was young, Mac had spent an unfathomable amount of times in the hospital. All of the times revolved around an argument where Joe MacKenzie had wound up hurting Deanne MacKenzie. When she was really little, it was fun, a joke. She would sit in the waiting area and often get lollypops for being such a good girl. The novelty of it all wore out as she started noticing how hurt her mother was and there wasn't a damned thing she could do about it. During a particularly bad episode, when her mother's arm had been broken, Joe threatened to break Mac's arm too if she said a thing. So, Mac never did, not to anyone. Except Harm.
During their time together, she'd found herself willing to talk to him when things, little things, bothered her. Talking about her family life was never easy. But, to her, it was a necessary evil, a reason to remain strong to show that, despite the horrors of her life, she was here, alive, strong and successful. The best part of all, she was loved and loved someone back in return.
All of that, though, came crashing down each and every time she was in communication with what she called the New Harm.
They'd spoken on the phone several times and he still chose to call her 'Sarah', something that was beginning to bother her. It was the way that he said it, as if he had this familiarity with her though he still didn't remember a damned thing. All kinds of tests were done, re-done and done again, but nothing was really found. There was no type of head injury that would have caused the amnesia. The neurologists all chocked it up to trauma and stress. One suggested it may have been the jolt of ejecting. Nothing was conclusive and soon they decided it was time to send him home.
The time that Mac had spent in Bethesda was neither long nor very productive. She'd been kept on bed rest for three days, on another wing of the hospital all the while waiting for Loftness' decision on whether or not to go after Vukovic. By her standards, there were enough witnesses to testify against him. True, there wasn't any magic glue, but reasonable doubt was good enough. If Vic would take the stand, she would do anything to take him apart piece by piece.
Awkward moments seemed to be the only prevalent constant whenever she'd visit Harm. He always wanted more information, details, stories, things that she sometimes had to sugar coat in order not to discuss some of their worst memories. One of the oddest moments was when Mattie had arrived to visit him. All the girl wanted was a hug, a form of affection, something that made her feel loved, but this Harm didn't seem too affectionate. If anything, he was trying to get rid of the girl to spend more time alone with Sarah. At least, that's how it felt to Mac. "How long is he going to be like this?" Mattie had asked, her voice filled with desperation.
"No one knows. . .Could be hours, days."
"Years." Mattie supplied with a frown. "I have to go back to the Academy. . .If he remembers, tell him I love him." Sadly, she slipped out of the room, not sharing that part of her wished he was still missing, at least that man would have treated her nicer.
Sturgis had also visited along with Cresswell, two men that didn't rub Harm the right way at all. He would take cheap shots at anything the two said, joking in ways that really weren't funny at all. It seemed that this Harm had a mean streak that wasn't winning him points in trying to find the real him. Not that he wanted to find that. At the moment, he didn't care.
Mac cringed when she thought of the conversation she'd had with Cresswell just outside of Harm's room. "Sir, he needs me. . .I believe he will remember, he just needs time." She wasn't asking for much, only a week longer to get the doctors to let her spring him out. Maybe going home would make something snap?
But Cresswell would have none of it. "Colonel, I know. . .Believe me, I know. . .but you have a job to do. . . I've bent the rules. Hell, I've damned near broken them off for you. . .Please, don't push my loyalties any further. ."
She knew he was right. Being a commanding officer, one couldn't just shirk their duties. There were people that counted on her, people that needed her. And she damned well couldn't and wouldn't keep Bud working odd hours while trying to manage the office and the case loads. "My apologies General, I wasn't thinking clearly for a moment."
"No need to apologize, believe me, I understand what you are going through. . ." Reluctantly, before leaving he turned to Mac. "I'll give you two more days, but then I want you on a flight to JLSS, read me?"
Gratefully, Mac snapped to attention. "Aye, aye, sir."
Those two extra days hadn't allowed for much of anything. Between her own rehab and Harm's sour moods, spending time with him was close to impossible. The last time he'd shown some real, human concern and emotion was when she was leaving. He'd hugged her then, and placed a very chaste kiss on her lips. Mac never could have known that it was a test, really, a way for Harm to gauge just how far he could go with her. She didn't pull away when he leaned in to kiss her, she didn't seem disgusted, but rather pleased. All of those details were being reordered into Harm's mind. It wouldn't be a few weeks until he was sprung from Bethesda.
Stepping into Balboa, she was overcome with the same feelings that were always prevalent when she stepped foot into a hospital. Arriving at the appropriate floor, she immediately went to the nurses' station and relayed Harm's information. It was pleasing to know that, at least, something DID go right. He was released into her custody. Grabbing a hold of the wheelchair the nurse handed her, she stepped into Harm's room. "Hey there, sailor."
The look on his face almost. . .almost matched the cute and surprised look her Harm would have normally given her. The New Harm had all sorts of new quirks. "Oh hey, Sarah. . .You look. . .sexy." He said in a husky voice as he took in the sight of Sarah MacKenzie in civvies. "Lost the uniform, I see?"
One thing was when they would playfully flirt with each other, when it was mutual. However, when it was one-sided and coming from a man that, at the moment, didn't know her, it was unsettling. A thin smile appeared on Mac's lips. "Ready to go home?"
"I still don't know where home is, but sure." Home. How many people had used that word since he'd been hospitalized? Anytime you'll be back home, Captain. San Diego was home, he knew that, but it didn't feel right, not at all. And all of that 'Captain' business he got rid of rather quickly. If they were to call him anything, it was that odd name that Sarah had claimed was his father's Harmon. . .Harm. Honestly, Mack was a better preference. "Trish. . .umm. . .Mom was here earlier today."
At the very least, Mac wouldn't have to do this part alone. There were people willing to help. The most difficult thing though, was telling the woman about Harm's accident and memory loss. It was a major blow to Trish, as Mac expected it would be. 'I should have stopped him.' She'd told her when Cresswell had sent her back to San Diego and she'd been able to speak to Trish face to face. But, Trish would have none of that, she knew Mac better than that. "That's nice. . .did she bring by anything?"
"Only a dozen or so photo albums." He said, rolling his eyes in annoyance.
By the looks of things, not a single memory had returned. "Nothing, huh?"
"Nope. . .I'm beginning to think that this is permanent." Not that it was a bad thing. See, Harm was starting to see this situation in a whole different light. What if his other self was the imposter? What if this was his chance to live. Damn, it wouldn't be a bad life, especially with a woman like Sarah at his side. He didn't love her, not yet anyway. Maybe that was something to work on. Would it really be so bad? "You don't look pleased."
Mac raised a brow. "Why would I be pleased?" She didn't mean for that to come out as snippy as it did, but she couldn't help herself. She needed her Harm back, couldn't he understand that? "Sorry. . .I'm just tired. . .Been busy at JLSS." She patted the seat of the wheelchair and helped him settle into it. "This is just until we get outside."
"Okay." And that was another thing, if he wasn't moody, he was complacent – about everything!. Her Harm would have been bitching about the wheelchair, about how he could walk just fine on his own. He'd have bitched about the food as well. She almost had a coronary when she walked into the hospital room two days ago to find him having a burger which he seduced a nurse into getting him.
The drive to their home wasn't silent. If he wasn't asking one question, he was asking another. About the location, the car, the drive, her job – details that Her Harm would have known by heart. "Here we are." She said, a little too cheerily, when they arrived at their home.
Whatever Harm was expecting, this wasn't it. Not that it was a bad thing, but his conversations with Trish had led him to believe that he was rich. While the house probably cost Sarah a pretty penny, it wasn't the mansion on the beach that he expected. Putting on a smile, he walked towards the entrance, noticing that Mac was looking at him expectantly. "Nothing."
Damnit. Alright, so that didn't do the trick, maybe her plan would?
Stepping inside Harm was overwhelmed to find over a dozen or so faces he didn't know. He took two steps backwards, almost running over Mac who was standing just behind him. "What is this?"
Mac smiled. "It's a coming home party. . .These are our friends and coworkers." Their closer friends from JAG were present, along with Gunny and the members of Rabb and Galindez Investigative Services. "They know what's going on. . .I just thought. . ."
Slowly, he raised a hand and waved at the group. "Well, it certainly is a surprise." Of course it was, he was rather hoping that his home coming involved Sarah and a bed, though he doubted, very much, she would be interested in him if he was like this.
The introduction of the group was an odd feeling. Some faces he thought were familiar, others, he was sure he'd never seen before. Predominant in it all was the young woman who Sarah kept referring to as Jen. She was there with another man, but that really didn't matter. Harm found himself sauntering over with a smile that he hoped would send the message across. "So, you're Jen, right?"
Jen glanced up at him and smiled. "Yes, sir. . .Petty Officer Jennifer Coates, you kept me out of jail." Suddenly, she pressed a hand over her mouth, hiding the odd face she was making. "I'm sorry, sir. . .I am sure this is overwhelming for you. . .Details like that can't help."
Oh, but this was different, this he wanted to know about. "No, it's fine. . .How'd I keep you out of jail?"
"You made me want to stay in the Navy. . .I can't say that I regret it. . .I love the Navy and if I you and the Colonel wouldn't have given me reasons to stay, God knows where I would have been. . .I certainly wouldn't have met Josh. . .erm, Corporal Lane." She blushed then blew a kiss towards Josh who was chatting with Gunny.
Harm folded his arms across his chest. "He's a kid. . . Kids do childish things. . .Real men, however, do manly things." His eyes pinned her with a predatory gaze which was rapidly making Jen uncomfortable. "If you're interested, you know where to find me."
At first, Jen wanted to laugh, this had to be a joke of sorts, but it wasn't. And that look, that unsettling and frightening look he was giving her was real. She was afraid to say it out loud and cause a problem between Harm and Mac, so she leaned in, her voice barely a whisper. "Red Light, Captain." With that, she turned on her heal and headed towards Josh.
"Red Light? What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Feeling a tap on his arm, he glanced down to find little AJ. "What do you want?"
AJ just grinned up at his godfather. "A Red Light is when you do something wrong. . .Dad Red Lights Jimmy all the time. . .It's a Navy thing." He rocked back and forth on his heels, hoping for some sort of conversation which wasn't forthcoming. "Uncle Harm, are you okay?"
Okay? Hell no! This little party was turning into a major headache. "No, kid, I'm not. . .Why don't you scram. Go to mommy or daddy." He turned around, leaving AJ standing there with a sad look on his face.
Nervously, Harm scrubbed a hand over his face and then came toe to toe with a man sporting cropped hair and some stubble. "How you doing, partner?" The man slipped a beer into his hand and patted him on the back in a rather chummy fashion.
Partner? Ah, yes, the PI firm. What was the name of the guy he ran it with? "You're. . .Granny?" Harm said with a shrug. What was that name that Sarah had called him?
"Gunny." Victor clarified, then took a long pull from his own beer bottle. "Look, I am sure this is. . .kinda difficult."
"Kinda?" He snorted, then shook his head in astonishment. "Look, partner. . . I don't know who the hell I am. . .or who the hell you are. . .I don't know anyone. . .I don't want to know anyone and yet. . .Everyone wants to know me. . .This is like a bad dream that I can't get out of. . .and since I've been in this nightmare, I feel like I'm dying to live in a world I don't belong."
Gunny brought his hands up in surrender. "Woah, calm down. . .I just want you to know that I'm here for you. . .We have a business together. We're partners. But, we're friends before that. . .Just relax, okay?" He patted Harm on the back one more time, then, reluctantly left him alone. "Damnit." This wasn't good, not at all. Their partnership had worked splendidly, but he wasn't sure how long the company would survive without a partner. There weren't that many people that Gunny trusted to run a business with and, unfortunately, he couldn't trust Harm now. The thought made him feel guilty, sick.
Mac had watched the interaction with great curiosity. It was clear that Harm wasn't impressed by Gunny or even slightly motivated. Discussions about the business had gone on, when Gunny confided that he couldn't support the firm, on his own, for more than half a year.
"You alright, Mac?" Harriet had taken the chance to step up to her friend. Since they'd been gone, the conversations were short and infrequent. Such was military life. "Stupid question to ask, but. . .are you?"
"It wasn't a stupid question, Harriet. . .And, no. No, I'm not alright." Her eyes scanned for Harm who had managed to sneak out of the sliding glass doors with little to no notice. "I was hoping that he'd come back, remember and we'd pick up where we left off." She shook her head. "This was going to be our first Christmas together. Do you know how shitty it feels to have that taken away?"
"I know about missing holidays. . .I missed several when Bud was at sea. . .but I guess this is different."
Feeling a headache coming on, Mac pinched the bridge of her nose. "He opened up to me. . .We've shared things that. . .that. . .that we've never been able to before. . .I trusted him with my heart. . .And I know he trusted me with his. . ." With the back of her hand she wiped away a stubborn tear.
Hopes and prayers often went unanswered, Harriet knew this better than anyone. But, she knew that believing was usually the key ingredients to making things happen. "Mac. . .You don't know what's going to happen. He might wake up tomorrow and suddenly remember." Taking Mac's wrist, she tugged the woman towards the sliding glass doors. "Go to him. . .He needs you."
Walking out to the deck, Harm stood, leaning up against the railing. In this head, pictures of every person he'd been introduced to danced around like marionettes and Sarah as their master. She meant well, he knew this, but really hoped she would back off. No, that wasn't right, he wanted her. It was just the emotional stuff that he didn't give a damn about. "How can you be attracted to someone you don't know?" The idea was bizarre to him, though every shred of information that came out of her lips was a story of him and her defying the odds. Apparently, some sick force thought that they were meant to be together. Sexually, maybe. Past that, Harm wasn't sure what he wanted. Love was pointless and elusive. He needed to find himself first.
The Ocean breeze assaulted him and he welcomed the feeling up until he felt someone walk up behind him.
It was Sarah. "You okay?"
He didn't bother turning to address her and merely shook his head. "Nope. . .When the hell are they leaving?"
The tone of his voice shocked her. He'd never spoken with such disdain before, even when they were angry at each other. "Harm, they, pretty much just got here. . .Give it a chance." She needed this to work! Even the doctor said that a small gathering of friends might jolt him back.
Angrily, he pushed himself off the railing and spun around, coming nose to nose with Mac. "I don't want to be around them, okay?" To make his point, he grabbed her shoulders and shook her a little too hard. "It's difficult enough as it is without having people try to make me remember cute little stories of things I can't remember."
When he finally let her go, Mac was at a complete loss for words. He'd never been this way with her. . .with anyone. The man that had stared her down tonight wasn't Harm. She didn't know who he was. Maybe it was best to send everyone home, cut her losses? Tomorrow was a brand new day. Biting her lower lip, she managed to stop the tears before they fell. She wouldn't cry, not now.
It took a minute to compose herself enough to step back inside. When she did, Harm was no where to be found. Maybe this really wasn't a good idea? "Listen guys, I think it's best if you all go home. . .Harm's not feeling well and the doctor says he needs to rest." The explanation was as good as any, though no one seemed pleased. "Thank you for coming."
The group remained in stunned silence for a moment and then, one by one, began to file out of her home. Harriet and Bud were the last to leave. "Mac, if anything. . ."
"I know, Harriet. . .And you don't have to worry. . .We'll be fine." No they wouldn't, in fact, a good portion of the evening her mind had run away, deciphering where exactly she would sleep tonight. It was logical to want to lay by his side, she'd been doing that for months. But, now, something new presented itself. She wouldn't be sleeping next to Harm – it would be like sleeping next to a stranger. And that was all they were going to do – sleep. Nothing more, though she was longing to taste his skin, to feel his hands caressing her skin.
Mac took a breath and shook the mental images out of her head. Sometimes, if she concentrated really hard, she could literally feel him, his hands, his breath, his kisses. "C'mon MacKenzie. . .Fantasies can't lead to anything good." Not when she was trying to guard her soul from a familiar stranger. Deciding she would clean the house the next morning, she decided to lock up and head upstairs instead. To her surprise, Harm was sitting on the top landing of the stairs, body hunched over to the side, supported by a wall as he tried to get some shut eye. "Harm?"
Her voice startled him. "Sarah?" Rubbing his eyes, it took a second or two for him to register that he had fallen asleep against a wall. "Sorry. . .I. . . I'm sorry for being such an ass. . .It's just. . .overwhelming, I guess." He'd practiced that since the moment he headed past everyone in the party and upstairs like a grumpy teenager.
"I should have run that by you first. . . I thought it would help." Offering her hand, she waited for him to take it and helped Harm up to his feet. "You look tired."
"I need some sleep. Preferably, in a comfortable bed. . .Those hospital beds are brutal." He bended backwards and sideways, trying to crack his spine. Mac had disappeared into one of the doors and he followed her, taking a look at what had to be the master bedroom. On the night stand, there was a picture of him and her aboard some sailboat. She looked radiant, happy and he must have been the luckiest son of a bitch alive.
Fumbling through the drawers, Mac pulled a pair of black sweatpants and a white t-shirt then handed it over. Harm usually slept in his shorts, but the last thing she needed in her state of mind was a half naked Harmon Rabb Junior running around. "You can take the bed. . .You usually sleep in here. . . with me." It was difficult not to drive that point. Strange to think that this bedroom that was once just HERS had become THEIRS. Now, it was morphing back into something that was solely hers. Mac didn't like that feeling. It was nice to share her bed with him. It was nice just to share life with him. She'd never felt so complete before in her life and now. . .The look he was giving her was positively predatory and not in a good way. "I mean it, take the bed . .I'll sleep in the office. We have a Murphy bed there for. . for Mattie. . .You remember Mattie, right?"
Ah, of course he did. Mattie was that kid that had visited him in Bethesda, the one that thought she knew so much. How such an annoying young woman would have anything to do with his life was beyond comprehension. And that whole 'pilot speak' was nauseating. "We're adults. . .I think we can do the sharing a bed thing." He wanted to add that, even if she were willing, which, by the look in her eyes, the answer was 'no', he wouldn't be too sure what to do with her.
Mac expected so much from him that their conversations had become severely annoying. He'd merely liked to hear her speak, just so he could watch those lips of hers. Yes, hell, yes he was attracted to her, what straight man wouldn't be? But, the fact that she kept trying to make him remember someone that he wasn't and would never be, was unsettling. No matter how much she wished for it, he would never be Harmon Rabb again. He was just a man that held that name, period. And damnit, that lost, doe eyed look was driving him slowly insane. It wasn't his fucking fault that his life was a blank slate!
Mac's big brown eyes were starting to do him in and as much as Harm wasn't interested in perusing something serious, he wanted her. It had to be something residual from his memory, this uncontrollable attraction. Then again, she was attractive as hell.
"Yeah, I guess. . .I'm going to go change, take your time." In a hurry, she took some clothing from the drawers and rushed out of the room and into the office. Mac closed the door, rested her back and slid down against it. The tears came without any effort whatsoever. She only hoped he couldn't hear them.
At that moment, she hated herself – it was almost a preference to have him missing than to have whatever he'd become. That wasn't Harm, not by a long shot. Damnit, he didn't even talk the same, walk the same. His smile, normally radiant, cocky as hell and definitely sexy, was gone. It just wasn't him. And 'Sarah', why did he insist on calling her 'Sarah' all of the time? Something about the way he said it made her feel cheap and then some. God, what had happened? When was it finally going to end?
Harm was already half asleep when he felt the weight on the bed shift. He didn't have to turn over to know that she'd joined him, her perfume was warning enough. Its scent assaulted his senses and his body was showing him just how much he wanted her sexually. He took a breath, holding it for a few seconds, willing himself into control. If it didn't happen, he would have to take her then, consequences be damned. Thankfully, his body conceded and he was able to catch that illusive sleep until around three in the morning, when Harm was awakened by something soft and warm at his backside.
Startled, he twisted to the side, catching another whiff of Sarah's sweet, feminine scent. In her sleep, she must have traversed the bed, searching for him. He figured they probably slept in each other's arms, the idea so sweet it made him sick. Sarah shifted slightly, pressing her chest into him, her mouth stopping just at his neck. While she didn't kiss him, Harm's mind was already filling in all of the gaps. Something about her tenaciousness had him wondering about her bedroom activities. She was probably a wild woman in the sack.
Turning slowly, a mischievous grin appeared on his lips. At this moment, she may be vulnerable enough to not realize what was happening – that he was taking advantage of her sleep deprived state. Hell, it was worth a shot. He leaned in slightly, kissing her lips fully, an act that had her awake and responding in kind. "Sarah. . .I want you." He rasped against her throat, where his lips were leaving a trail of fire that continued onward and through the valley of her breasts.
To her credit, Mac wasn't too sure what was going on. Late night/early morning lovemaking sessions weren't exactly scarce in the MacKenzie/Rabb household. There had been many times when she'd been blissfully awakened by the feel of Harm's mouth on her neck, his hand on her breasts and his legs between hers. They would make love slowly, exquisitely and then sink back to sleep, both with a satisfied grin and a new found exhaustion. It usually happened over the weekends, when neither of them had to get up early the next day. But she'd been known for turning the cards on him and waking him up an hour earlier, just to have a little session before starting the work day. He'd never complained though and it made her smile just to think about it. "Mmm. . .Yes. . .Harm." She was giving into him willingly, arching her body against his as Harm's hands roamed freely.
In one swift movement, Harm had her on her back, her legs parted and him kneeling between. She was still dressed, wearing some stupid pair of cowboy pajamas that, to him, made her look frumpy. He would take care of that soon enough. His mouth greedily sought out her own, kissing sloppily and thoughtlessly. It was as if he didn't know what to do next. His movements were wild, erratic, moving from one spot on her body to another. He was fumbling like a teenager and he knew it, but damnit, the way she was whispering to him. . . Alright, so maybe she wasn't whispering to him, but that didn't matter, he was too hard up to consider the semantics.
Under the crushing weight of his body, Mac was having difficulty breathing. That was the first sign that things weren't quite right. The second came in the form of kisses that were unfamiliar, coming from familiar lips. Harm's kisses were never sloppy and that wet. When he kissed her, it had always been with intent and passion. These were lustful, and only that. She realized what was going on and who she was kissing and resisted the urge to stop. Maybe this was something that he needed? Maybe, making love to her would snap him back? It was an egomaniacal way of thinking, but at the moment, she was desperate to get him back at all costs. Mac just couldn't live another day with him giving her that empty, hollow look.
Trying to get some semblance of control, she pushed hard, moving him off of her. They stopped kissing for a moment and she took that precious time in order to gain the upper hand. Mac straddled his waist and smothered kisses all over his face. "Oh yea, baby. . .I knew you liked it rough. . . Oh, Sarah, baby." She gulped and cast a quick prayer that maybe he'd remember before they went too far.
"What?" She said, stopping the kisses abruptly. No, this was wrong. . .This wasn't Harm. As much as she wanted this to help him, she couldn't do it. It felt as if she were cheating on him.
In that brief moment, Harm flipped her onto her back, knocking the wind out of her. His fingers were working on the shirt, his mouth still sloppily delivering kisses. He felt her hand on his chest, pulling him back away from her. "Sarah, baby?"
"No, I can't do this." She said, trying to push him off. He didn't budge and she was frightened as awareness of his strength came to mind. "Stop please!" She begged, but instead of stopping, he continued to kiss her. Had it been any other man, he would have been flat on his back, with three broken ribs and probably in need of a colonostomy bag for the rest of his life. But, this was Harm. . .the man she. . .loved? Then again, it wasn't. . .The person inside wasn't Harm anymore. "Harm, STOP."
The second he tried to touch her a bit more intimately, Mac had a knee jerk reaction – literally.
"Owwwww! You bitch!" Harm winced out, his hands coming to his crotch. The woman had kneed him and rather hard. So much for her loving him. "Why the hell did you do that?" He glanced up, blinking a few times to try and rid the tears.
Mac flipped on the light and then stood at the edge of the bed, one sheet around her body which was secured by her arms which were wrapped around her torso. She looked like a woman who'd just been raped. "I told you to stop." Her voice was soft, shaky, frightened.
"I thought you wanted me." He ground out between clenched teeth. "You didn't have to knee me!"
She didn't care what he was saying, there were things of her own that had to be said. "I can't do this with you. . .It feels wrong. . .It's like I'm cheating on Harm . . I can't do that to him."
"I am Harm!"
No, he wasn't. At least, not anymore. The way he spoke, the things he did. It was just unfathomable that Harm would treat her that way. From that point on, to her, Harm was gone. "You're not him. . .You're just. . .not."
Despite the pain coursing through his groin, he tried another attempt to get her back into bed. "What if this makes me remember?"
Thoughtfully, she bit her lower lip. He had a point, but what would she be giving up for it? "I couldn't live with myself if it didn't. . .As it is, I feel. . .cheap." Why did it feel like she was cheating on him? Why did that make sense to her? Was it even possible to cheat on someone with themselves? The idea boggled the mind. "I love you. . .I love you too much. . .I can't do this. . .I'm sorry. . .I just can't."
The demoralized look in her eyes was his undoing. If she didn't want him, he would make sure she'd pay. Besides, all he had to do was flash his smile to have any woman at his beck and call. "You know what? I hope I never remember anything. . .I hope I never remember you." Harm's words were perfectly calculated. Through the short time that he knew Mac, he found the kryptonite to her Super Girl – himself. "The way you pine over him is disgusting. . .I hope to God I never remember. . .There's no way in hell he's going to get what I couldn't."
"What's wrong with you?" She said loudly, "Can't you feel it? Inside? Don't you realize there is something missing?"
Missing? "Besides my memories? Sarah, give it up. . .It's me or nothing."
"I love you, the old you. . .The man who wouldn't treat me the way you just did!" Mac yelled, still clutching the sheet to her.
"But, I don't love you." He said, with such conviction. . .because it was true. This Harm, this version, wasn't in love with Sarah MacKenzie.
No response in the world seemed appropriate for what he'd just told her. Mac's eyes remained on his for just a second or two longer. She lowered her head in shame, then turned and headed out of the doorway, down the hall and into the office. Just in case, she made sure the door was locked. Leaving the lights off, she sauntered to their desks, collapsing into the comfortable leather chair on his side. One of the worst things was being unable to escape her feelings and emotions. It seemed that everything held a memory that was tied to him somehow. Memories that she needed to get away from so that the walls around her heart could be safely erected and put back into place. The walls that he'd managed to crumble through the years.
Mac held the sheet rightly around her, trying to warm the cold she felt inside. I don't love you. With just one comment she felt as if she were outside McMurphy's almost five years earlier. The pain then was unbearable. The pain now was much worse.
