Chapter 5

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Sam wrapped her sweater tightly around her as she sat back on the sofa in her mom's trailer. She had forgotten how cold the fall weather was in Wisconsin. This was her second night home in Kenosha and she was whipped. Her sister, Bridget, had her going non-stop from the moment she picked her up at the airport right up until the cleaning up of the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner. It was strange to see with her own eyes all the stuff she heard about over the phone. She hadn't seen her family in person for so long and she couldn't believe how different they looked while still looking the same. The biggest surprise was how content everyone seemed. Her sister seemed very happy being married to Will and a mother to Terri.

She was sorry that she wasn't more active in Terri's life. Her young niece seemed to have realized it too because she was constantly at her side asking questions about when she and Bridget were little girls. She enjoyed telling Terri about all the mischief she and her older sister used to get into. It gave her six-year old niece a thrill when she told her that she looked exactly like Bridget at that age and that earned her a big smile in response. The tricky part was when Terri started asking Sam when she would have some cousin's to play with but she managed to distract her with more stories. It wasn't an easy task. It didn't help that Sam got the impression that Terri wanted a sister of her own. She was sad for her and wasn't sure what Bridget had told her about why she didn't have any siblings. After Bridget had Terri other children were no longer an option. Sam refused to think about the fact that her sister, who loved being a mom, couldn't have any more children while Sam just decided that she wouldn't.

Fortunately though, tonight she was staying at her mom's place because as much fun as she was having at her sister's house she was used to having a little time to herself. So when her mom asked if she wanted to stay with her tonight she jumped at the opportunity. Her mom's place was bound to be more sedate.

"Hey, want one?" Sam looked up and found her mom, Diane, standing next to her holding out a beer.

"Sure. Thanks," she answered as she accepted the beer. One of the most unusual aspects of her visit was how relaxed her mother was. She had never seen her so chill. Diane sat down next to her. Sam yawned and said, "Sorry, I think that tryptophan is kicking in."

Her mom smiled at her and said, "So, did you have fun at Bridget's?"

"Yeah, that Terri is so cute and smart. I can't believe she's six years old already."

"Tell me about it. She's growing up so fast." Diane smiled and leaned back into the sofa. "And she is so much like Bridget was at that age. I love it. That's one of the many positive parts of being a grandma, everything comes full circle." She winked at her and smiled.

Sam brought the beer bottle to her lips, took a long drink, and said, "You seem like you are doing really good, Mom."

Diane smiled. "Thanks. I was thinking the same thing about you. How are you doing, Samantha?"

"I'm good," she lied. "Work is always keeping us busy but I love what I do."

Diane gave a heavy sigh and said, "I know you broke-up with your boyfriend but you never told me what happened."

"We just wanted different things," she quietly replied.

"Like what?"

She licked her lips and answered, "Kids and marriage."

"That's tough. It's hard to find a man who wants to be a father and husband." Diane reached over and brushed Sam's hair away from her face. "I'm sorry to heart that, I know you really cared about him."

Sam quickly glanced at her mom before returning her focus back on her beer. She took a long drink and then softly said, "It wasn't him; it was me. He broke-up with me because I don't want to get married and have kids."

She could feel her mom's eyes on her so she carefully shifted her focus entirely on removing the label on the beer bottle, starting with gently pulling on one corner.

Diane cleared her throat and asked, "You don't want those things?"

"No." Sam shook her head, finally looking at her mom. "You sound like that surprises you."

"It does. I mean you got married when you were eighteen…"

Sam turned her head and stared at a fruit bowl across the room. She sighed heavily and said, "You know why I married Dennis."

Out of the corner of her eye, Sam saw her mom grit her teeth at one of the many sore spots in their life. Her mom hated Dennis Gellar and that was a big part of his appeal. She probably married him more out of spite than love.

Diane cleared her throat before beginning, "I know but I guess I thought that was an act of rebellion against me. I didn't think you were sour on marriage and motherhood in general."

"I think it'll be better to just not have kids than to wake up one day and regret having them." She lowered her eyes and finished, "To wish my life was different."

"What does that mean?" Sam eyes refused to look up so Diane leaned in towards her and put her fingers on her chin, turning her head to face her. "Is that what you think I do?" Sam shrugged her shoulders as her eyes welled with tears. "Oh, baby, no. I regret not having more time to spend with you and Brig. I regret not having enough patience or money but not once did I regret having you and your sister. You girls are the best thing I ever did. You're the most amazing people I know. I mean, look at you: you're so beautiful and accomplished. I am so proud of the woman you've become."

Sam just sat there as tears rolled down her cheeks. Her mom pulled her into a tight embrace and said, "Sweetie, I'm so sorry if I ever made you feel for one second that I regretted having you." She was crying into her mom's shoulder but she still heard her mom's voice choke up. They stayed like that for a few minutes until Sam pulled up and started wiping her tears from her eyes. Her mom had tears on her face as well but she just focused on making sure Sam was okay.

"I've missed you mom," she said softly.

"I've missed you too, Samantha."

No matter how hard Sam tried, the damn tears kept coming so she decided to do something that always made her feel better when she was a kid. She leaned over and put her head on her mom's lap and cried. Diane gently rubbed her back and stroked her hair.