Bed Pans of Mass Concussion

It's moments like this, when your face is pressed against the cold floor of St Mungo's, your pants are covered in cold tea, your pregnant fiance is about to become less engaged and less pregnant than you first imagined, and your last remaining school chum is armed with a bedpan that you really have to say "Oh God" and hope that that particular deity is listening. Unfortunately, having never been particularly religious, I did not have the Big Man on my side and had to rely on the combined strength of George and Fred to stop me be beaten to a pulp. A bloody one at that.

'Gee Sirius. Be careful will you. You might hit someone with that.' I muttered as I got in a sitting position. I had aimed that witticism at the rather wobbly figure at what I assumed was the Padfoot of fame and fortune. My vision wasn't what you could call fantastic at the moment.

'That was the point, Remus.' He replied, teeth clenched, I suppose.

Someone was helping me into a chair and applying an icy object to the injury. I closed my eyes and let out a short breath. I was feeling incredibly frustrated with the entire situation and I needed to see Ginny post haste. Sirius had already laid down the rules: no one would see Ginny without him.

'Hold that next to your cheek, Remus.' The voice said. My sight was getting better and I could see it was Hermione. 'Sirius, stop acting like a child. No one is seeing Ginny yet except for nurses, and the only people who will see her are the people she wants to see.'

I'd have to mention Hermione's champion efforts in saving her from being swamped. Through all her moaning over her soon-to-be sister-in-law, the two were close and any good deed should be reported immediately. 'Thank you, Hermione.' I said, careful not to cause pain in my face by using outlandish lip movements when I spoke. 'Sirius, care explaining that reflex action when I walked in the door.'

His eyes widened. 'You don't know? You're supposed to be the brains of this operation. It's a private matter, I believe. One between you and Ginny and Faye.' He shrugged languidly, because that is the way Sirius moves. I'm sure it's to make others feel jealous. 'I could let everyone here know about it…'

My mind was running a few paces behind, so when the penny dropped, it dropped from a great height, like a suicide jumper off the London Bridge. Ginny had told Sirius about my little adventure into the mouth of one Faye Lyrebird. Not my finest hour, admittedly, and I was glad Sirius had enough smarts not to announce it.

'Right.' I shifted uncomfortably. There were more factors than I thought to this whole deal. Well, aside from me snogging the wrong woman and being caught by the right one. Sirius knew, which was interesting, odd and disconcerting. He had some vested interest in this as well, otherwise he would have given we a slap on the shoulder and mock scolded me, probably calling me old and a dog. All these thoughts whizzed past my brain in the space of three seconds, which was, coincidentally, how long it took the nurse to call me over to the door.

I got to my feet and left the ice pack on the chair. It was probably a subconscious decision to inflict pain on myself to atone for my sins. Either that, or it was making my hand cold and I didn't want to see Ginny with a numb hand. Sirius caught me by the sleeve, (I rue the day I discovered Oxford shirts) and gave me a look. I was meaningful; I could tell.

'I'm going in, too.' He told me.

'Sirius,' I said wearily, hoping that I could just say his name and in those syllables I could instill how I felt without using more words. Foolish me. Sirius never took a hint, and when he was in one of these moods he seemed to go so far out of his way, if he were a number plane, he'd be in the negatives. Wow, Ginny must be rubbing off on me because that is officially the most random metaphor I have ever had.

'You're not the only one who cares for her, Remus.' He said, not able to meet my eyes now.

'Sirius, you do realise this isn't a romance novel, right?' I asked him, finally exasperated. Everyone around me was acting like they were poorly written, sex crazed heroes and heroines in a Mills and Boons book. 'You can't just say "You're not the only one who cares for her" because it sounds important. We are real people here, with real feelings and really screwed up problems and your flair for melodramatic is not appreciated.'

'Gentlemen, I'm going to have to ask you to keep your voices down.' The nurse told us, making me jump because I was rather hoping no one but Sirius had heard it. Well, I didn't really like hurting Sirius, but it had to be said. 'Stress brought on the early pregnancy,' she paused slightly to give us incredibly disapproving looks that Molly Weasley would be proud of, 'and stress will cause further damage if you walk through that door shouting.'

'Yes ma'am,' we said in unison, quite humbled by the rebuke.

She plastered a smiley face on. 'As long as that's cleared up.' The nurse pushed open the doors and let us in.

Now, when I heard that Ginny had gone into labour, I instantly envisioned her in total agony, screaming and swearing and all that jazz. What I saw before me was, instead, like some sort of topsy- tea party, the likes of which have not been seen since Lewis Carroll wrote a story after the misadventures of his curious daughter. Ginny was sipping on a cup of tea with her mother beside her and what I assumed was someone from the maternity ward. No one was in pain, no one was ready to claw out eyes.

All in all, I found it rather disappointing.

Sirius, free of any charges against his moral fibre, took a seat next to my fiance (My fiance. Not his) and was handed a cup of tea. I was the pariah, so I had to stand around, looking and feeling bloody uncomfortable as Ginny wrapped up her conversation, which seemed to be something of an inane matter. Apparently, the Ginny who usually resides in her body was on vacation.

When her mother had gone back to the people waiting outside and the midwife had left to check on her tests, Ginny told me to take a seat. Completely. Without. Sarcasm. The door shut and I realised that it was a trap.


Right. So. Following my embarrassing "leaking" on Sirius' shoes (which he was a total gentleman about, but I guess he'd relish the distraction. Kissing me after crying a whole bunch is not the smoothest move you can make. It was a bit of a let down. If I'd known Sirius wanted to get into my pants, I would have been a bit less weepy and more snot-free), we headed to the hospital because generally pregnant women should not be having escaping liquids at this stage. I was tagged and tested and growled at for being in labour so soon, and then put in a room for some more thorough investigation.

I waited. Remus had to come, because so far, only four people knew what a rotten scoundrel he was. If he didn't show up for his own kid's birth, which I doubt he'd do anyway, he would be putting his reputation in front of a firing squad. I had a few contractions, which really, really hurt, where the second "really" is actually, in fact, a terrible swear word.

And he came. His face was a bit swollen, and I guess it must have something to do with the odd sound I had heard earlier. I said that it sounded like a bedpan hitting someone in the face, but no one believed me. He looked incredibly awkward, and I lapped up every minute that I had that power over him. I eventually had to talk to him because I'm not that mean. Well, I am, but if I wanted any longer, the baby would be attending a Hogwarts feast by the time I finished.

'Take a seat, Remus.' I said in even tones.

He sat down gingerly. 'How are you feeling?'

I shrugged my shoulders. 'So so. I'm giving birth to an elephant and my FIANCE CHEATED ON ME, but apart from that not too bad. How are you?'

Remus sighed quietly. 'I didn't cheat on you.'

'May I have a biscuit, Ginny?' Sirius asked, referring to some odd, baby shaped cookies my mother had brought.

'Sure. Remus, you kissed her. Your pants were open. Hands were on butts.'

'I didn't mean to be unfaithful. She just sort of landed in my lap.'

'That is a pretty weak excuse. You wouldn't have been…fondling…bottoms if you didn't want it to happen.'

'She dumped tea on my crotch and proceeded to clean it up, with much protestation from me.'

'Speaking of which, may I have another cup, Ginny?'

'Yeah, go for it Sirius. Remus, I must have stood at that doorway for thirty seconds before freaking out. In that time, I could see you were totally into it. Hands were everywhere, and Faye was hardly dressed.'

'Oh, so you're blaming me for what Faye wears? It's not as if I have a control over her wardrobe. I'm not the All-Powerful God of clothing.'

'Don't take that tone of voice with me, Remus. I'm the injured party. Faye wears those clothes so that she can snare prime werewolf real estate, and it has worked.'

Remus let out a sound that was sort of an exasperated, infuriated grunt. He stood up and looked me in the eyes. 'Yes, I fell off the fidelity horse. I did. I kissed Faye. I even wanted to kiss Faye because she won't play mind games with me or treat me like some sort of side kick. I want to be an equal, and if you can't see that Ginny, then we've made the biggest mistake we can make.'

I glared at him, because I didn't know what else to do. 'Maybe you should go.' Wow, that is stellar come back. I was so proud of myself that I doubled over with pain. Actually, that may have been the gigantic contraction my body decided to have. Someone was rubbing by back, and after Remus' outburst, I had a feeling it was Sirius.

'Brilliant.' I muttered.


I wasn't exactly sure what Ginny meant by telling me to leave. It was very vague. I could leave the room, the hospital or the planet, but she may have been asking me to leave her life. Uncertain, I chose to wait out the whole business of giving birth in the waiting room, which was aptly named. People were crowding around, and it was a peculiar sight. I didn't know Ginny had so many friends.

Her brothers took up the bulk of the space, being tall and boisterous, but there were at least a dozen other people there to see if Ginny was all right. Molly Weasley, having been booted out of the delivery room, was full of snappy, nervous energy. This resulted in people being ordered around on errands of no significance. I felt a tremendous urge to smoke a cigarette, a habit I haven't indulged in for at least a decade.

Nonetheless, it would make me feel better in the mean time, so I slipped out of the sea of people as well as the hospital in search of a cigarette and a block to walk around. I didn't have to look far, because Faye was standing at the entrance with a lighter and pack of my old brand. She was either the devil, or some sort of angel delivering me from angst.

'How is Ginny?' She asked me as I slipped a cigarette between my lips.

Faye flipped the cap to the lighter and lit the fag. 'In labour, how do you think?'

'I'm sorry,' she said, with an expression that begged to differ. 'It was wrong of me to kiss you.'

I sighed and rubbed my eyes. Word of advice here: women are absolutely loco. I fell for Ginny hard because she complemented me. She's fun and caring and everything I never thought to look out for in earlier partners. Then it turns out she is insane and likes messing with my head. So, I got snogged by a family friend who used to be polite and nice, but now turns out to be some sort of evil seductress worthy of the Bible. I'm only male. I can't cope with the twist and turns of the female brain.

'It was worse for me to kiss you back.' I told her, and brushed past her into the street.


I was feeling pretty damn lousy. If you took the two things that were causing me to feel like crap and separated them, they were awful all by themselves. Having a child hurts and is very emotional and all that stuff. Having your lover cheat on you is painful and emotional and all that stuff as well. There was nothing I could do about either problem and that irked me no end. I wanted to be proactive, not be a lump of useless potato.

'Ginny, we haven't been able to find him. Your contractions are coming in closer together. We may need to deliver without Remus.' Sirius told me earnestly. He was hardly in an objective position on that front. 'Don't give me that look. I can't do any more than I'm doing.'

I knew he was right, but that didn't mean I had to be graceful about it. 'The baby is early, shouldn't I make it wait?'

'Your logic is flawed in so many different ways, I don't even want to think about it.' He said and flopped into a chair. Sirius does a lot of that, lots of graceful movements even when he's trying to be ungraceful. He should have been a dancer or something. But as soon as I thought that, I remembered the kiss we'd had earlier, and about that something which he would excel at, and I went bright red. 'Spill, kiddo.'

'Find Remus and I will.' I retorted.

'I don't even know why you want to see him. It's not like he has a degree from some incredible school of giving birth to things.' Sirius picked his teeth with his fingernails. If he were in dog form, I think he would be cleaning himself. 'He's just going to jiggle up and down next to you, making lots of comforting sounds and letting you squeeze his hand so much marrow flies out.'

That made me really depressed. 'Yeah.'

Sirius was instantly contrite. Men were good at that. 'Sorry, Gin. Who would have thought that being willing to have someone's child meant you were fond of them.' He stood up and struck a pose that, I suppose could be considered noble. 'I will go forth and seek out the mislaid werewolf! But you're not allowed to have the kid until then, ok?'

'Ok, Sirius. Better make it quick, then.'

I watched him stride out the door. If neither of them came back, I'd have to go through with the labour all by myself and I wouldn't be able to swear at anyone for getting me into this mess. I patted my bulging stomach tenderly. 'No fighting in there, OK?'


Severus Snape was what people would call "good at potions". It was a gross understatement, but for the time being, it is as good a description as any. He was a bastard with a soft spot for being nasty and made it a hobby to be mean to people, especially if they resembled a Gryffindor. However, under all those layers of bitterness and spite, there was a heart and it beat to the tune of Ambition. Snape had some coveted titles under his belt, but he wanted to go for the big one. He wanted to cure lycanthropy.

Now, to either the oblivious, the ignorant, or the nearest Muggle, this would not sound so hard. Big deal, they would say, possibly as they opened a can of cheap beer. The beer-swilling fool probably had no idea what lycanthropy was, let alone any way of curing it. Snape was pleased to say that he had a vague clue as to how to go about it and that placed him in the forefront of lycanthropy research.

He had been lucky. He had managed to secure a lab with any instruments he needed and had a willing and able patient to test the cures on. Over the course of a few years, Snape had narrowed down the possibilities to one vial of potion. Droplets had been given to his were-mice in the laboratory, and they had responded to it like a duck does to croquet (which, few know, is their favourite hobby. They are quite good at it and have won gold medals.)

Snape was pleased with himself. That is to say, he was chuffed. If he had been any other man, he would have held a party, or found himself a girl to get better acquainted with, or even shouted himself out to some sort of meal. Snape was not any other man. Instead, he splurged on another subscription to Potions Weekly, which had once been a forum for informative and interesting ideas in that field, but was a little too sensational to be taken seriously these days.

He was slightly annoyed by the fact that there was no hard evidence to support the potion. His local tester had run off to watch his fiance give birth or something similar, Snape didn't really like keeping abreast of affairs. It would indicate that he gave a damn. However, the red devil was in labour, and Albus had decided that Severus could hold down the fort. So Severus held down the fort by giving Gryffindors exceedingly hard chores and taking away points for breathing through the mouth instead of the nose.

Holding down the fort is a tiring job, and to Severus' eventual surprise, he fell asleep in his favourite armchair. His rooms at Hogwarts were not that hard to get into – if one was a master thief who also had a fetish for locks and wards. The burglar made short work of all the protection that wrapped around his chambers and only took one thing.

The Cure for Lycanthropy.


'Right, so what do we know now?'

'I am a bastard, a coward and a fool.'

Sirius nodded emphatically. 'Good, good. We're on the right track here. Stop drinking that and look at me. What do you need to do?'

I swallowed heavily. I had a lump in my throat, and, on a rough estimate, it was the size of a reasonable Alp. I was only half an hour into the smoking and drinking, and I needed time to adjust to all the bad toxins. Sirius was not helping by trying to persuade me to head back to the hospital. Going back there seemed like the worst idea I had heard in a long time, maybe even since I thought a moonlit walk near the forest would be nice.

'I need to do what's best for Ginny.' I said finally, expelling a large amount of air in the form of a sigh.

'And that is…?'

'I don't know! No one knows. No man can possibly know what a woman wants, especially not when a woman is hormonal.' I stubbed out my cigarette in the ashtray and lit up another. 'Does she want me back?'

'If you were her, would you want you back?'

'No, I wouldn't. I'd tell me to go sod off and then I'd go cry, because being a woman means you can cry about things.'

'Men can cry about things, too.'

'Who are you trying to kid? When was the last time you felt comfortable crying?'

'Well, all right. So we can't cry if we want to. The point is: Ginny doesn't want to raise a baby by herself.' Sirius drove this home by prodding me in the arm after every syllable. 'You have to go back to the hospital. No one would forgive you if you didn't even see your own child's birth.'

I stared at my fag and then stood up. 'You're right!' I exclaimed, and then realised that he was too far right and that I was far too close the ground to be any use to my feet. Sirius helped me up and slung one of my arms around his neck.

'You're a bloody wanker, Remus. You're not supposed to get drunk before the baby's born. You get drunk afterwards. And what does that leave me to do? Carry you to the bloody hospital, and I won't even get the girl.'


Author's Note:

Well my children, another chapter has spent far too long on my hardrive before being updated. I had about a thousand words written for months and I liked the idea of them, but they weren't going anywhere so I did a major overhaul and wrote the rest of the chapter in a couple of days. As soon as I started writing it, I knew I had to make up for some of my other failings in this story that I hadn't noticed before, but are now starting to drive me nuts. Hopefully you have all learnt that Paige is a terrible person for updating and that you should never, ever trust her! I need to thank my beloved and tireless beta reader, Colette. When she is tired, I turn to the awesome and ever amazing Mrs. Niles Crane and Astrid The Mighty to wow me with their mad looking over fic skillz (the z is intentional!). Thank you, the readers, who may or may not put up with my tardiness, but still read the fic anyway. You are the finest kind and deserve Adams' Ribs and dry martinis, plus three days r'n'r!

Blatant Discontent: Sorry about the lack of updateness. I was terrible. I am terrible. But I tried to make up for it!

Iselin: Thanks for everything. We shall soon be at an end! Our years of careful writing will finish with the bang. The pinnacle of my career! Well, I like to think so at least ;)

akiakone: I think this chapter has turned away from the Stephanie Plum style and into a more Douglas Adams/Terry Pratchett voice. I just don't think I was getting the entire point across when I wrote like that. Sorry I didn't write this fast. Bad Paige, bad.

WiDz: Ya know, I wasn't going to finish this but then I got your review and I thought "I have to write this!" Uh, yes. Thank you for reading!

SnogginGodess: Are you still alive? I'm sorry. Truly, I am. Puppy dog eyes

FemmeDraconis: Maybe I should get someone to do some fanart for it. Wow, that has to be the epitome of self indulgence! Thanks for reading!

Tabitha: Yeah, I suck. Maybe I should blame the tools. Uh, yes. My computer was all "broken" and such. I couldn't possibly write it…no, no, I was just suffering writer's block. Le sigh!

Big Bad Titou Moony: It wasn't so much a "good excuse" as an excuse full of angst! Score!

Chocolate Muse: Big sleazy grin I think you'll enjoy the alternate ending I'm writing for this. So totally awesome! I think I've been reading too much Hawkeye/BJ where they're out of Korea and Hawkeye is depressed and needs lots of lovin'. Anyway, thanks, and sorry. I'm like the dead beat boyfriend that's writing a novel and bums money off you so I can get drunk and creative and then say sorry and take you to a cheap restauraunt to make up for it. Yeah. That's what I am.

Carmleinak: Thanks! Sorry for the wait!

lovinitsfate: Well, as I said to Chocolate Muse: my alternate ending will be the perfect ending for all characters involved and will be an awesome story twist. I'm sixteen now, so I'm allowed to write it!!!

AJRoald: Thankies : ) Yep. I think everyone is wondering how he could. I (now know that I) deliberately left Remus out of things at let Ginny get mired in self aborbtion. Huzzah! Everyone is to blame!

brokentoy19: LOL! I'd hate to be Remus if I'd written it like that! And yes, Sirius is wonderful for distracting people, especially when they're having babies. He's good like that.

LupinFan227: Aww, that made me all squidgy inside. Thanks. I love it when people laugh at work. I kept laughing at a story I was reading and my brother was trying to get me to catch the bus and wanted to know what was so funny. I kept winding him up. Amusement plus brother annoyance! It is great!

deal-with-it: I like to think that Neville was intimidated by his grandmother, and he likes being intimidated, if ya catch my drift. Eek. I certainly hope you're not dead by now. I'll leave some flowers at your grave, ok? And a copy of this chapter. Rest in Peace.

Misty's Dawn: Yeah, I am pretty darn crazy. Most writers are, and some of the best were legitimately insane. I should know, I have a book on the subject. Well, there's a chapter on it!

english-at-heart: Oops, sorry. I updated as soon as I could! Honest!

LostRose: I'm terrible. Seriously. Terrible. I'm. I hope I made it up to you. If not, I'll take you out to a nice restaurant and we'll have some wine and we'll dance and I'll whisper poetry in your ear. You can say I don't treat you right, and I'll nod, tears in my eyes and you'll say you can't take it any more and leave me for the insurance salesman down the road. Damn, now I'm depressed. How could you leave me?

Michelle: No, I'm afraid only demon spawn can make me update faster. That, or crazy creative pills in my drink. But you can beg if you like. I won't stop you. Hope you enjoyed this chapter.

Trixie-Guest: Aww, flattery will get you everywhere ;) Oh boy, I have been watching too much Mash. Damn that Hawkeye and his easy flirtingness. Sirius is The Awesome! He used to be The Sex (which I can write now that I'm sixteen, score!) , but he got a bit rusty in Azkaban. Plus he's a sweetheart under everything.

Ashley: Sorry! Enjoy this chapter and put more pins in my voodoo doll.

Beloved-Stranger: I am a New Zealander masquerading as an Aussie. I'm bringing them down from the inside, if you know what I mean. Spiking the drinking water and such. I'm just glad that New Zealanders hold themselves with a quiet dignity, rather than the crass offensive nature of Australians. Plus, everyone knows the best Aussies are Kiwis ;).

Becki: Aww, that's awesome! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!