Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.
Author's Note: There is some swearing in this chapter, but nothing explicit and I censored the actual words. I kept it to a minimal so to keep with the tone of the scenes involved. Consider yourself warned!
Chapter 4: The Price of Suffering
"There's too much bad sh-t in this world."
"Without suffering, there'll be no compassion."
"Yeah, well tell that to those that suffer."
-Landon & Jamie, A Walk to Remember
A couple of Saturdays later, there was a shift in the whole atmosphere around the apartment and at work. However, Ray was initially unaware of the change as he came into work in the best of moods. The gig from the previous night had been a success. They totally connected with the crowds, and even secured themselves with another invite to play again in two nights. The rents were paid and he even got the grocery shopping done. He missed seeing Neela that morning, but he figured that she probably went in early for work.
However, the moment that he stepped into County, he knew that something was wrong. There was a definite sombreness in the air. Frank, who had something to say about anything and everything seemed subdue. Even, Morris who was usually clueless even about the basic principles of sterility kept his comments and questions to himself. Pratt greeted him with less-than-customary jaunt as Ray made his way over the admission boards.
"Who died?"
By the look on Pratt face which flickered dangerously for a moment, Ray knew that it was probably the wrong thing to say. "You know what Barnett, you can be such a world-class ass. I don't even know why I bother."
Ray stared confusedly at Pratt's retreating back. "He's upset from before, but that was probably not the best thing to say." Ray turned to the source of the voice, Dr. Chen.
To him, she was the elusive Chinese doctor that he seldom worked with. In many ways, she remembered him of Neela. They were both smart, dedicated and always knew which buttons to push for the right effect. She was also a source of partiality, rarely taking sides in the dramatics of the ER. From the stories that he had heard, she and Pratt had dated before they broke up.
"I know that, but I like to know what ticked him off before I got here."
She gave a calculated look as if to test his sincerity. "Have you seen Neela today?"
Her question caught him off guard. It didn't seem relevant at the time. "No, I figured that she already left for work this morning. Why?"
Again, her onyx eyes studied him and Ray never felt so uncomfortable. Dr. Chen glanced over her shoulders for a moment before redirecting her attention to him again. "What do you know of Gallant?"
However, she did not give him a chance to answer. "I may not be the best person to tell you this, but I guess you of all people deserved to know. Today is anniversary of Gallant's death."
-o-o-
He came home to a silent apartment. The whole day had been a blur with Dr. Chen's words bothering him all day. I guess you of all people deserved to know. Today is anniversary of Gallant's death.
'How could he not know?' 'How come didn't Neela tell him?' 'Where was she today?'
The sight of the girl in question on the apartment balcony drove away all his thoughts. She stood in the midnight air with only a thin cream coloured dress on as a barrier. She stared unseeingly at the sight in front of her, with her hair blowing wild against the night breeze. She made no move to acknowledge his presence, although it was questionable whether she heard him or not.
He took a moment to study his roommate, but he cast his glance away at what he saw. It was grief and sadness, pain and hurt. These raw emotions were not foreign to him but he loathed to admit them in himself. 'You need to focus.'
He made his way silently beside his roommate, grabbing a blanket that was draped across the sofa. His footfalls were masked by the carpet until he was close enough to touch. She gasped softly as he wrapped the warm cover over her shoulders. He waved off whatever words she wanted to say as he leaned his frame against the bars of the balcony with his back to the view outside. Silence enveloped them, until he noticed her shivering.
"Neela," he murmured.
"It's nothing, Ray," she objected, but she was betrayed by her tears.
"It's not nothing when you are crying over them." Weeks ago, he had said something similar.
"You know what got you so upset."
"It's nothing."
"It's not nothing when you're drinking beer like it's water." (1)
She blinked hard but she refused to brush the tears away as they fell incessantly down her cheeks. "It's not fair, Ray. Why did he have to die? Why did he have to go and leave me?"
Why? - How many times had he asked himself the same question? Yet, each time brought him no closer to the answer. "I don't know, Neela," he replied.
"It's been a year already. People tell him to stop crying over him, but I can't."
"The pain never goes away. It comes and goes like a bad cold but you can never truly stop crying for the people that you lost."
She looked at him as if seeing for the first time. He didn't meet her glance but he could see her out of his peripheral vision. "They all say that you have to move on, but they just don't understand."
She nodded at his words. "How can I move on when my heart is breaking?"
Again, he had no readied answer. "I don't know, Neela. I guess time ... it helps some."
He slowly removed himself from the railing and walked back into the apartment. He stopped at the tug of his arm. "Have you lost someone, Ray?" she asked.
"It doesn't really matter, Neela. I just want you to feel better."
"It matters when you are denying it." Again, she was echoing his previous inquiries.
"I don't think you are in the position to judge," he countered.
At that, she promptly dropped her hands from the position on his arm. She had been upset and now her moment of grief was replaced by anger. "But, you are? So, who gave you the bloody right to judge then, Barnett?"
Before he had a chance to reply, she snapped, "You know what I don't give a damn about what you and everybody else thinks. I love him. Nobody made you the judge of my life because you have probably never loved somebody so much that they are willing to die for you!"
Her words cut him hard and to the core. He clutched his fist until he felt his blunt nails ducking into his palms to the point of bleeding almost. In a blurry haze, he bit back, "Have you watch someone you love slowly die in front of you, knowing you can't do anything to relief their pain? Have you love someone so much that you become their miracle? If you haven't, then don't be btching about sh-t that you know nothing about, Ragostra."
He tore back into the apartment to grab his jacket before slamming the front door with a deafening bang. He got into the van and simply started driving.
Ninety
miles outside Chicago
I
can't stop driving I don't know why
So
many questions, I need an answer
He rarely swore because Jamie was devoted to her church and it certainly won't present a good image if you used profanity when you were at the Reverend's house. However at this moment, Ray didn't care. He was angry at Neela's insinuations that he didn't care, that he wasn't capable of loving someone as much as he did Jamie. 'Neela doesn't know what she's talking about.'
Jamie once told him that without suffering, there would be no compassion. In his profession, he had seen enough suffering from the neonates to those in their tenth decade of existence. He knew the powerlessness of being unable save the patient even with all the advances in modern technology. Even now as a medical resident, he never quite grasped her meaning. "I miss you so much, baby," he murmured aloud.
If
I could ask God just one question
Why
aren't you here with me, tonight?
-o-o-
Neela had no idea how badly her words hurt Ray. She was surprised by his retort. It was only later in the sanctuary of her room that she recalled his words and was baffled by its meaning. "Have you watch someone you love slowly die in front of you, knowing you can't do anything to relief their pain? Have you love someone so much that you become their miracle?"
She thought about apologizing to him, but stopped herself at the sight of the empty apartment. What could she say that will remedy the hurt? She cursed herself for her poor choice of words and again wondered about Ray's past. "I'm sorry I didn't know," she whispered but she was only answered by the silence.
End of Chapter 4
AN: The centered and italicized lyrics that were used from the Awtr soundtrack called Someday We'll Know, sang by Mandy Moore and Jonathon Foreman.
(1) Also, this was from Chapter 3.
Did you find the exchange believable? They are grieving and their anger is stemmed from their respective losses. I certainly hope that it wasn't too melodramatic. Please let me know, 'k.
