Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.

Author's Note: I think the rating is dropped back then to a K+ now.


Chapter 11: Introspection

Ray tiredly opened the door to the apartment. Neela soundlessly followed closely behind him as she locked the door. They were exhausted, both physically and emotionally. The aftermath of the plane crash left a lasting reminder into the heart of Chicago. This goes without saying that the staff of County General have been affected as well.

There was the general appearance that it was just like any other triage. Lives were saved, others were not despite modern technology. Family members were reunited, while some sought solace in each other. However for many, a tragedy so close to home had certainly struck a chord. Relief did not begin to describe the feelings of the ER staff when they heard that Dr. Chen was in fact not on that flight. She had in fact, got on an earlier one that day. John Carter was the first person that she called when she safely landed. They spoke for a long time, but nobody really knew their topic of conversation. That was because Carter had opted to answer his cell phone from County's roof top. There was an unspoken rule on the floor that the roof top was a sanctuary of sorts. Very few ventured up there when another colleague needed the privacy.

John Carter sent as much as his staff as he could home after the ordeal. He also gave Ray and Neela explicit instructions not to step foot into the ER until they had gotten some rest. They didn't need to be told twice as they stepped into the welcoming sight of their shared apartment. Without fanfare, Neela jumped into the shower with Ray heating up water for some hot chocolate. So deep in his thoughts that he failed to hear Neela's reentrance into the kitchen until she gently tapped him on the shoulder.

"Ray," he jumped at the sound of her voice, and nearly spilling the fresh cup of hot drink in his hand.

"Neela, you scared me."

She apologized as she retrieved the other cup that Ray had poured for her.

"You were in another world. What were you thinking about just now?" she asked before taking a tentative sip of her drink.

"About human lives in general," he paused as if to gauge her reaction, but she said nothing while waiting for him to continue.

"How many people died tonight, Neela? How many lives were affected because of a single event? When things like this happens, it doesn't affect the immediate people, but their families and friends, and people like us."

"That is our job, Ray. Not matter how much we want to, we can't change the past."

"Do you live by those principles too, Neela?"

"What do you mean?"

"It is a simple question."

"But, a simple question doesn't always imply a simple answer." To say the truth, Neela was taken aback by the sudden verbal loop that Ray threw at her.

"So, you won't answer it?" his voice was borderline challenging.

"No... I mean yes I will answer it," she was quick to defend, "I know that it's impossible to change the past."

Softly, she added, "But, that doesn't mean we don't want to try."

He conceded to her point, "Life is about all the shoulda-woulda and coulda's. 'If not' are two depressing words in the English vocabulary. Look at our jobs. How many lives do we touch each day? How many people do we saved, or better yet, how many we can't save? Some who live are undeserving of this life, while some who die when they have a lifetime ahead of them. It's not fair, you know."

"I wish that we can save everybody, but I can't. Sometimes, I question whether or not I am competent enough to be a doctor."

Ray sharply turned at her confession, but he was resolute when he said, "I don't think it is a matter of competence."

Taking a deep breath he added, "Nobody believed that I would make it pass high school, much less a doctor. For that matter, people in my hometown thought that it was a miracle that I didn't land myself into jail first. It was more than a miracle - "

Neela was struck by the wistfulness in her normally-cheerful roommate. Ray was evasive about his past, but she understood that some things were better left unsaid for simplicity sake. The roommate in question, who had been leaning against the kitchen counter, set down his empty mug and murmured a goodnight. Neela was left at the kitchen table with her half-finished drink. She heard the sounds of the shower running, as she mentally played back the conversation in her mind.

Tonight could be categorized as an unfinished vignette. Meaningful words were exchanged but they brought no resolution for the two parties involved. There was a hidden meaning in his words and having lived with Ray for such an extended period, she could detect the implications of underlying sadness. Did he not trust her enough to tell her? Was it any of her business? Then again, she was being hypocritical. How long had the memories of Gallant haunted her since his death? How often had she thought about sharing her feelings with Ray?

Normally, Neela would not allow herself such an introspection, but as this line of thinking took hold, she knew it was necessary to get it out of her system. For all intents and purposes, Ray was not Michael. She was not replacing one with the other. She had loved Michael then, because he had been a beacon during her period of insecurities. He was protector and she became dependent on him for all her emotional comforts. In his letters, he always called her 'baby,' or 'honey' or references to being 'his girl,' but she was never physically his alone. There was always the military and medicine.

On a rare phone call from his regiment base, he had proposed to her. In a moment of epiphany, she refused. There he was overseas and she was Chicago. She wondered if all their important decisions would be made with the Atlantic Ocean between them. Their parting was bitter and she felt guilty for it. She tried to explain herself in a letter but she couldn't know for sure whether he received it or not. No correspondences came for a couple months until she got the phone call which brought news of his death. She blamed herself. If only, she had accepted him, then perhaps, he would have the will to live.

Now, she could never apologize to him in person. She carried this burden alone and retreated further into her work. Again, she questioned herself and her capabilities. How could she be a good doctor when she only hurt the ones who were capable of loving?

She couldn't quit medicine all together partly because of her family, out of spite against their high expectations. Also, she knew that in her heart, medicine was at the epicentre of her life. Unknowingly, Ray had been an integral part of her life and she had become accustomed to having him both at home and at work.

She remembered the time when he said, You are important to me (1). The period when she was hospitalized and Ray had to go back to Beaufort was always an unapproachable topic. The emotions were too raw and it was easier to just move on. Yet, unresolved issues had the tendency to fester like a barely-perceptible pot of boiling water. She wished she had the courage to tell him how she felt when she saw him in the midst of the plane wreckage, how her heart skipped faster at the thought that he came to look for her.

She always felt that they were playing a tug-of-war where nobody was pulling very hard, because they were both afraid of disturbing the equilibrium. She was vaguely aware of the fact that the shower was turned off. Perhaps, now was as good as time as any to tell him how she felt. Suddenly feeling very shy, she wondered how she was going to approach the subject. When the door to the bathroom reopened again, she began by calling his name.

-o-o-

Ray let the shower runs for a few minutes as the water cascaded down his back. He tried clearing his thoughts, while letting the water cleansed away the images from the plane crash. One that he could not push away was a certain pair of chocolate-coloured eyes. He remembered catching her gaze as Neela looked up from the body of the patient that she had been treating at the time. All around was chaos, but Ray felt an immediate sense of calm at the sight of her.

He had once made a vow to close off his heart. It was almost ironic. Not so long ago, Jamie had made him promise not to fall in love with her. Being the ignorant teen that he was, he arrogantly laughed it off. Who knew that before summer's end he would be marrying the very same girl? Jamie's death had left a noticeable void in his life. That's why he decided to distance himself and the person that he once was to begin anew.

Ray Landon Barnett emerged from the remnants of Landon Rollins Carter. Ray would be the first person to admit that he was still Landon. The only difference was that he refused to love again, but his passion for music flared. He had casual female friends throughout his premed and then medical studies. However, he was not close enough to anybody to disclose his blissful days in Beaufort.

Chicago offered something different, fast-paced, exciting, and a job opportunity. It also had Neela in it. Somehow, she became more than just a roommate and a fellow colleague. Her presence dominated a majority part of his personal life both in and out of the ER. He became dependent of having her around. That realization was most keenly felt when he was forced to decide between her and the Reverend.

A small part of him still regretted the decision, but he would quickly banished the thought in his mind. He quickly attributed the incident to fear - the fear of losing one of the constants in his life. The mere idea of her being in that crash or the vicinity of it made him vulnerable - a concept that he would not readily admit to himself.

Turning off the facets, he stepped out of shower. Staring at his own reflection in the mirror, he drew the conclusion that he felt more than just friendship towards his Indian roommate ...

Fully dressed, he was surprised to see that Neela had been waiting for him when he came out of the bathroom. At that moment, he gathered enough courage to tell her the truth. He was about to call out her name, but he was interrupted by a single word, "Landon."

End of Chapter 11


(1) This is from chapter 8.

AN: Another chapter is completed. I know you guys must hate me for this bit of cliffhanger. Honestly, I have no idea how the events are going to turn out, so review and give me your opinion. I'll update as soon as possible.