Chapter 23

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"I didn't know you knew so much about decorating trees," Jack said over his shoulder as he reached up to straighten the lights on some of the top branches after Sam had insisted that two of the strings were dangling too close together.

"Yeah, well, it's not something I would put down on my resumé," Sam replied. The truth was last year Martin had given her a crash course in Christmas Tree Decorating 101. She had asked him where he learned how to do all this stuff and he said between his mom's pristine, color coordinated Christmas trees and his aunt Bonnie's 'anything goes – tacky is beautiful' trees he'd picked up a few things.

She forced herself to shake off any thoughts about Martin. It would just depress her. So instead she focused on the task at hand and hung a few more ornaments on the tree.

She looked up at Jack and saw him struggling to get the lights straight and chuckled to herself. They had a nice dinner and the conversation was fun and light. He told her he had bought a fake tree so there would be something Christmas-y for the girls when they arrived but he hadn't had the time or the energy to decorate it. Before she knew how it happened she had volunteered to help and now here they were at his apartment; the one place she thought she would never celebrate this holiday.

"There, I think I got it," Jack said aloud as he stepped down the ladder to admire his handy work. "Not bad."

Sam looked up and agreed. "I think it's done. The girls are going to love it." She started picking up the empty boxes that held the ornaments and lights. "Where are their gifts? We can put them under the tree."

Jack looked at her like he had forgotten about that task. "Oh, I haven't wrapped them yet."

She frowned at him and said, "Bring them out and I'll help you."

Jack gave her a grateful smile and walked to the back bedroom to get the gifts. Sam looked around the apartment. The bookshelves were bare, nothing was hung on the wall and the only thing that looked like it got any attention was the T.V. It was probably one of the saddest apartments she'd ever seen, maybe even more so since she intimately knew the person who lived here.

She also couldn't help think that it was the complete opposite of Martin's apartment. While Martin's place may have been furnished straight out of an Eddie Bauer catalog there were signs of the occupant everywhere. Especially at Christmas; he always put a tree out, placed a wreath on his door and hung lights on his windows. He made his apartment a home while Jack seemed to refuse to acknowledge that he lived here.

"Okay, here we go." Jack carried out boxes marked FedEx, UPS, and see someone did all his shopping online," Sam said as she took a few boxes from Jack.

"Well, Maria always did all the shopping and with my working hours I can't make it to a department store," he explained. "I just asked the girls to tell me what they were going to ask Santa for and then double checked with Maria that we don't both get them the same things."

"Pretty complicated process for," Sam looked at one of the toys. "A BRATZ doll."

Jack shrugged his shoulders and continued to unpack the gifts.

As they sat there wrapping she couldn't help but wonder what they would be doing had things gone differently for them. If he had left Maria for her would they be planning a Christmas for just the two of them or with the girls as well? It wasn't until that moment that Sam actually really considered the fact that Jack was a dad. She always knew he was but she never really imagined herself in the equation as well. She always said she didn't want marriage and kids but yet she fell in love with a man who had exactly that – she just didn't happen to be the wife or the mother. She suddenly wondered if that is why Jack wouldn't leave Maria for her. Did he break up with her for the same reason as Martin? She thought about asking him when his cell phone rang.

Jack reached across the table to pick it up. He looked at the caller-ID and smiled as he answered, "Hey, sweetie." He looked over at Sam and mouthed, 'Kate.'

She smiled and returned to wrapping when Jack stood up and started down the hall. She eyed him curiously when she heard him whisper, "In my apartment. No, I'm all alone…."

With those four words Sam stopped what she was doing, suddenly feeling like she had been re-branded with her scarlet letter. The sick feeling in her gut overcame her as the guilt of their affair rushed over her again. She remembered that when she was 'the other woman' the devil on her shoulder would try and convince her that Maria wasn't a good wife, she didn't know how to appreciate Jack the way she did. But those thoughts didn't help her when she would lie in bed next to Jack, pretending to be asleep, while he was on the phone talking to Maria, giving her excuses about where he was and why he wasn't coming home.

Only this time it was his daughters that he was lying to.

She sat there with her head in her hands when Jack walked back out. "So their Christmas Pageant was a huge success… Sam, are you alright?"

She took a deep breath and looked up at Jack. "I heard you. I heard you tell Kate that you were here by yourself."

She saw a look of shame cross Jack's face and a part of her felt some vindication. "Sam, I'm sorry." He moved to sit down on the sofa across from her. "It's not about you. It's about me."

Sam looked at him with hard eyes and said nothing. She was not about to offer him any help in trying to explain it all away.

Jack continued, "Hanna found out about the affair. She asked me questions about you and what our relationship was now. I told her…..I told her we were just co-workers. It would confuse her to know that you were here."

"'Just co-workers'? Not friends but co-workers." Sam breathed. It took her a moment to register the hurt of not only being exposed as an adulterer to his daughter but that she was nothing more than someone he worked with now. "I see."

"I didn't know what to tell her. It is an extremely difficult situation. She is still barely speaking to me and I didn't want her to misinterpret why you were here. I didn't mean to upset you." He reached out and gently touched her left hand. "You have to believe me."

Sam just looked at him, swallowed her hurt and decided to just hash it all out right now. She turned to Jack and softly asked, "Did it ever bother you that I always said I didn't want to get married or have kids?"

He looked down at his one hand on top of hers and said, "I never really thought about it."

"Why not? Why didn't it matter?" Sam asked as Jack still refused to look up. "Is it because you were already married?'

"Sam, that isn't fair." He finally looked up to meet her gaze. "We both knew the situation going into our relationship."

She took a moment to process what he said. Or rather what he didn't say. He never imagined them together for a long time. She suddenly appreciated what it meant to be with someone who was completely focused on having a future with you.

"Sam," Jack squeezed her hand and she looked up. "I know I don't deserve it but I would like a second chance for us. A chance to get it right, do it the right way."

Sam licked her lips, looked down at their hands and realized that if she were in this situation a year ago she would have leapt at the chance and never looked back. But she was a different woman than she used to be and it was all Martin's fault. Damn him.

"Talk to me," Jack pressed. "What do you think?"

"Exactly how would we get it right this time? You're still my supervisor – it's against regulations for us to date," Sam replied as she gently tapped his hand with the fingers from her free hand. "What about your kids? I mean, at what point do you tell them that we are together after telling Hanna we are 'just co-workers'?"

She looked up and met Jack's eyes. His gaze was sad as he rubbed his chin with his other hand and Sam knew that he realized that she was right. Their relationship would still have to be secretive or one of them would have to transfer out. And she knew that they both loved what they did too much to give it up. She was surprised that she didn't feel as sad as she thought she would. Maybe she was finally getting the closure that she needed after all this time. Maybe she really was a different woman.

Sam carefully slid her hand out from under Jack's and clasped them together on her lap as they sat there in silence, bathed in the soft glow of the twinkling lights on the Christmas tree.