Standard disclaimers applied. See Prologue for further details.
Author's Note: This is a longer chapter than chapter 12. Your reviews made me realize that this fic isn't a lost cause and that there are people who are still following the story. For that, I thank you because I try really hard to make this enjoyable and believable. As I mentioned before, certain chapters just come more easily than others.
Also, I forgot to mention the fact that you guys have submitted over 100 reviews for this fic! I never would have managed to get this far without your support.
Chapter 13: When the Morning Comes
To say that when Neela and Ray woke up the next day with all of their problems behind them would be a lie. Sometime during the night, they made their way to Ray's bed. In the morning, Neela found herself in an abandoned bed, with the sounds of an unfamiliar DJ in her ear. Growling slightly, she reached over to the nightstand to shut out the incessant noise, while fighting to regain the last remnants of sleep. Her hand found air instead and her attention was immediately peaked. Chocolate eyes snapped opened and she found herself in a room that was not her own. The familiar cream coloured walls were replaced with various unidentifiable posters of hometown bands. She was slightly disoriented, until she was interrupted by the sound of somebody clearing their throat.
Ray had been watching form the door. He had woken up a few minutes earlier. Now, clad only in his boxers and a white t-shirt, he leaned his frame against the entrance of his bedroom. There needed to be no words as he joined her on the bed. Her back was against this chest as they saw the arrival of another day in the Wind City. Despite the late night, they were both feeling remarkably refreshed.
For now, the scope of their world consisted of only the apartment. For Ray, the tranquillity of the moment brought a flashback of a morning spent at a cemetery with another brunette. His thoughts were interrupted when Neela asked, "Who's Jamie?"
All breath left him and Ray couldn't be sure if he was more surprised now or when she called him, Landon. "What?"
"Just now you said, something to the effect of 'Oh, Jamie.'"
Ray hadn't realize that he had spoken his thoughts aloud. "Ray? What's wrong?"
He sought for the words and sighed, trying to sort all the jumbled thoughts in his head. Where would he begin? How could he explain the countless years of being Ray Landon Barnett? Would she feel betrayed?
He had been so quick to admit his feelings to Neela the night before, while fighting internally of the guilt that he was somehow betraying his late wife. Yet the words were spoken and it simply would not do for him to retract them now. Banishing all thoughts in his mind, he plunged headlong and began with, "You were right when you called me Landon. The only people that still calls me that are my parents and my friends from Beaufort, because everybody else knows me as Ray Barnett."
"So you had a name change?"
"Yes, but it was more than that. You know that I grew up in North Carolina, but you'll be surprised by the person that I was back then. I was young and naive, and a world-class badarse. Although Weaver would argue the fact that I am still too much of a jock for her hospital."
His joke was weak but it helped to alleviate the tension slightly. So, he began by telling her about how he played that awful highschool prank that landed Clay in hospital and him in the school play and tutoring. "Mind you it wasn't the easiest to do. I wasn't play-material and I needed help with my lines. There was the only person that I could have ask and that was the star of the play and lead singer."
"Let me guess, that was Jamie."
"Yes."
"I'll bet that she was an attractive blonde that you had a crush on."
"No, she was a beautiful brunette who was the Reverend's daughter. I wanted nothing to do with her at the time. Then again, she wanted nothing to do with me either. At one point, she even slammed the door in my face because I was such a jerk to her."
Neela smiled at the mental image, "So what happened?"
"I sucked in whatever pride that I had to ask her for help but she only had one condition." He paused, debating how to phrase his words.
"What was it?"
"She told me not to fall in love with her."
Ray who had been watching Neela's face, could note the exact moment that Neela came to her own conclusions as he suspected that she would. He felt a sudden disappointment when she extricated herself from his bed and stood up. "Don't tell me, you fell in love with her."
She wasn't sure why she was angry, and she was confused as to why Ray decided to tell her this. Ray who had been anticipating her answer nodded.
"You have to understand that Jamie wasn't the average girl you will fell in love with. My friends used to make fun of her. The 'Virgin Mary' was what we nicknamed her. She hid from everybody, behind her books, her sweaters, her singing. She was the Reverend's daughter for crying out loud. We don't even hang around the same groups."
"Yet, you manage to fall in love with her," Neela whispered.
"Yeah ... Jamie had her faith and her beliefs. She made me see that there is more to this life. She had so much optimism and saw hope in everything. I was forever changed because of her ..."
"You are speaking in past tense."
He got up and out of the room. Curious and slightly offended by the fact that Ray had walked away, Neela followed. Ray went to the telescope that was situated by the balcony. Running his hand through the body of the contraption, he said, "I found out a couple months into dating her that she had leukemia. She was so young still, but she had already stopped responding to treatments."
Hearing the anguish in his voice, part of her initial anger faded away, "Did she ..."
He didn't hear her implications as he continued, "You know what her number one wish was? She had wanted to get marry in the same church as her parents."
He was in another world, thinking about the wedding ceremony that tied him, Landon Rollins Carter to Jamie Elizabeth Sullivan for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, through sickness and unhealth ...
"You still love her."
It was not a question but a statement of fact. She didn't realize how much she was affected by it, until she heard his response, mainly because he didn't deny it either.
"I couldn't stop loving her. I tried doing that by running away. I changed my name and moved away from home. I came here and become a doctor, but at the end of the day, Jamie would always be a part of me."
His confession came out wrong. The moment that he was finished he realized that it was too late to retract those words. He didn't know the extent of his words and how they impacted Neela. Her face contorted as she fought to hold back her tears, but she wasn't fooling anybody. Crystalline tears rolled down her cheeks as she choke back her sobs. For the life of her, Neela tried to find some semblance of control.
"Neela, no, I didn't mean like that ..."
She was crying and shaking her head. "No, Ray, stop ... you're still in love with her ..."
"Neela! Wait ..." But she didn't stop to listen.
"No, just leave me alone, Ray!"
"Neela, just let me explain. ..." He reached out to her as she was backing away. She pulled back, resisting him. He snatched his hand away as if it was burned. She stood sobbing silent tears that she no longer tried to hold back.
"Please, just let me be," she pleaded.
"I don't want to lose you."
"I was never yours to begin with," she interjected quietly.
He misunderstood her meaning. She meant that his love was never hers for the wanting, because it always remained with Jamie. Whereas Ray thought that he never stood a chance with her because she was still in love with Gallant.
"Last night was a mistake," she murmured resolutely.
"As I recalled, all we did last night was talking, kissing and then falling asleep in my bed."
"If that is the way that you see last night then ..."
"Don't you get it? That's what we did but that's not how I feel about it. I mean it when I said that I love you, Neela Ragostra. I haven't allow myself to love somebody for a long time. I told you so many times before and I stand by the fact that you are important to me."
"But, what about Jamie?"
"Please try to understand that I would always love Jamie but it's a different kind of love ..."
He spoke to her in such earnest that she was actually ashamed of getting mad in the first place. How must Ray feel knowing that she loved Gallant before his death?
"I know that, Ray."
"Why do I sense a but-statement coming?"
"But, what about work? What would other people think?"
"Since when did you care about what people think? Half the time they think of me as some jock anyways."
"But, you're a great doctor."
"And you are an awesome physician, so it doesn't really matter what people think."
-o-o-
They were given three whole days to themselves. They spent the days thus, within the close proximity of each other. The took turns cooking it the kitchen, laughing at each other's attempts, or rather it was Ray's attempts. He played his guitar as Neela rested her feet on his lap. They shopped at the Jumbomart in the middle of the night and went to Ray's gigs. Bret gave a knowing smirk when Ray arrived at the bar with guitar in one hand and the other wrapped around Neela's waist. Bret could not help but rub it in, "Yo doc, I thought you had better taste than Ray here. He finally rub off on ya."
"I like to think that I rub off on him."
Ray growled good naturally before dragging Bret towards the sound equipment. "C'mon Bret, lets go."
The bandmate allowed himself to be led away. "We'll swap stories later doc, cause I know some pretty embarrassing stories of Ray during drinking parities."
"It can't be any worse than what he does around the apartment."
-o-o-
The morning of the third day, Neela found herself waking up to an empty bed. Her eyes quickly found Ray standing beside the window. "What is it?"
"I remember one time, Jamie and I slipped off to the cemetery at night, so we could watch the sunrise together."
She was curious. "Why the cemetery?"
"Jamie had built a telescope there and it was the only way that she could go out at night without the Reverent suspending something. Mind you, Jamie claims that she can't be seduced, so I brought extra blankets."
"So the telescope in the apartment?"
"I built it fo her just a couple months before she died."
Neela remained thoughtful. It was hard for her to hear Ray speak of somebody so intimately but in a way, this was the woman who brought the change in Landon Carter.
"I remember that Michael always like the sunrise. He said that as a soldier, the sunrise gives him hope, that he lived to see another day. In my mind, I understand why he has to go and fight, but in m heart, I want to be selfish. I don't know if I can wake up in the morning not knowing whether he is going to come home or not. I do love him though but a relationship goes both ways. "
Her voice quivered, but nevertheless, she admitted the one fact that had haunted since Gallant's death. "He proposed to me over the phone just before his unit is about to relocate. I realize then that he can't expect for me to simply stay at home while we make every decision when he's at some undisclosed army base. It's my life too."
"It's not your fault, Neela. Nobody can blame you for what happen."
"I blame myself because if only I had accepted ... then maybe he would be alive today."
"I don't think you can change the outcome of something that is happening thousand of miles away from a simple yes or no. Gallant did what he did fully knowing what was at stake. I don't think that he wants to leave all this guilt around yourself."
He kissed her tenderly in comfort, but he knew for a fact that while a part of himself would always remain with Jamie, a part of Neela would always reserve for Gallant.
End of Chapter 13
AN: No worries, there are more chapters to follow, so I hope you guys will continue with the chronicles of Ray and Neela. Also, don't forget to r/r.
