Of Ribbons, Dogs and Huang He river.

By Samura Sheikah (Lung Ch'u)

A little different from my previous fiction, no continuity, no point and barely any story, just one long string of random interlinking events designed to make you snigger and cringe at the same time! Enjoy! Rated for mild swearing, nudity and unusual foul acts. Nothing too sexual but please be warned. This is NOT a lemon or hentai, its just sick humour. There are small insinuations of Yaoi later on. Please note the characters here are based on the ones in the game NOT the ones in the book, I would never disrespect great warriors!

Introduction:

It was summer and for several days Cao Cao had been bedridden with uncontrollable twitching syndrome. It was rumoured to have begun when Xu Zhu got drunk and invited him skinny dipping in Huang He river. The money Wei lost with failed crops meant they could not publish the new edition of hot Wei girls monthly and Xiahou Yuan's new dress went unappreciated.

It was indeed a summer of discontent for many. The forces of Wu had lost many supplies to Shu when Zhou Tai made an unwise bet in a drinking competition, though who could blame him, no one really expected Xing Cai to out drink him. Shu were also in trouble, as Ma Chao had squandered all their resources producing hat after hat to satisfy his wolfish lust for beauty. Eventually, Liu Bei had to slap him.

Lu Bu got a new pair of boots with which to crush the capitol, but he wasn't allowed to wear them in the house in case he dirtied Zhang Liao's precious rugs. Lu Bu didn't much see the point in azure shag pile but if Diao Chan and Zhang Liao happy he had to concede.

The Nanman on the other hand were doing fine. Meng Huo, under strict orders from his lovely wife Zhu Rong, had opened up a shop in the north of Nan Zhong selling all kinds of herbs, medicines, thongs… well she said he was allowed to be a little creative.

That night on the banks of Huang He magic filled the air. The waters rippled with power and from the depths emerged Zhang Jiao, several years after his death. He breathed deeply and shook the water from his cloak. "I have been granted new life! No I must use my new powers to show the world the way of peace!" he called. He used his cosmic other worldly magic to then summon an army of phantom soldiers and declared a curse upon all who stood against him. "You spurned our ways as you would spurn a dog! Lets see how you like it!" He shouted, spreading his magic across the plains. In the morning, the three kingdoms would awake an unpleasant surprise.

The first camp to discover the curse was Wu. Ling Tong, awake bright and early as usual, went to get a snack and discovered he had an item much like a latrine brush sprouting from his backside. His first action was to run back to camp and strike Gan Ning who rolled over angrily asking, "what is the meaning of this!"

"As if you don't already know you pervert! I can condone drawing on my face, dying my clothes pink and eating my children, but when you stick things in my arse you've crossed the line!" Ling Tong spat. Gan Ning laughed and calmly pointed out that it was, in fact a tail. Much panic then ensued.

The second camp to discover the problem was Wei. It first arose when Xu Huang's hat didn't fit and again later when Zhang He found his hands were unable to grab things. It took Liu Bei several hours to notice that his entire army had been turned into dogs as he had spent his morning in the company of Zhao Yun. Liu Bei had never seen Zhao Yun as anything but a loyal little puppy.

The only people unaffected by Zhang Jiao's spell were the Nanman, Zhuge Liang, Sima Yi And Zhou Yu. Zhuge Liang and Sima Yi lived in solitude as hermits and had nothing to do with the yellow turban rebellion. Zhou Yu on the other hand did face the yellow turbans, but really didn't care. He spent most of the time admiring himself in the mirror.

It didn't take long for the three camps to realise this was the work of the yellow turbans, mostly because at midday Zhang Jiao appeared to each camp declaring his work. Said he, "I have been revived by heaven's wish and now will fulfil my destiny in converting this land to the way of heaven! But for this I could not have you meddlesome interlopers in the way! Now you will suffer as my people did when you cast them down like dogs!" as fanatics do, Zhang Jiao then disappeared, uttering an evil laugh.

The three camps were in shock, each inspecting the new appearances of themselves and their comrades. The situation was bleak in the Wei camp. Zhen Ji was in fits of hysterical crying because she couldn't brush her hair, so much so that Cao Pi had to chloroform her. Xiahou Dun didn't know what the big fuss was about, but he did have an eye infection and wore two eye patches because of it. Cao Ren and Pang De sat weeping in the corner and Cao Cao ordered all remain calm, until a thought struck him and he blurted in front of his men "How am I going to take a dump?" Which caused mass panic. Dian Wei didn't think the transformation so bad. It was nice to have hair again.

Please refer to the next chapter for the start of the story!