And now the story: Chapter one: the nightfall meeting
It was a good few hours later at Wei's main camp and things had considerably calmed down. Cao Cao wandered the streets searching for his scattered officers, enquiring as to their well-being. He rounded a corner and met the two Xiahou Brothers. "Ah! My most trusted officers! You are coping in altered form I hope." Cao Cao asked.
"What altered form?" asked Xiahou Dun moving his head from side to side trying to see past the eye patches. Xiahou Yuan smiled and said, " I'm holding up alright Cao Cao thanks, it took me a while but I've accepted the fact that being a dog I'll never play concert piano again." He snivelled trying to act brave.
"I'm calling a meeting at nightfall in the banquet hall. Tell all you see to be there." Said Cao Cao, bidding the two good day.
After Cao Cao took his leave Xiahou Dun uttered, "Stupid Fruit!" Xiahou Yuan proceeded to strike him.
"What was that for?" Xiahou Dun said rubbing his face.
"You can't call our lord that!" Yuan Spat angrily.
"Zhang He isn't our lord!" Dun growled.
Yuan buried his head in his hands. "I can see I've got a problem here…" Yuan lamented.
"Really? Because I can see flap all, what's going on?"
The Sun family in the Wu camp all had the same idea. Quan, Ce and Shang Xiang split up and travelled the city, telling all who they met that there was to be a meeting at nightfall. Sun Jian however did not accompany them; he stayed with the two Qiao's. They comforted him as he wept bitterly, crying out.
"Don't worry sir, it'll all be alright." Said Xiao.
"Yeah, its not all bad!" replied Da.
"No! It's awful! I… I'm a dog! The TIGER of Jiang Dong, a DOG! How will I ever show my face again! Even my pet tigers have left me!" Jian wept.
A Tiger than stuck it's head around the corner and grumbled, "I was never your pet! I was just here for the wine!"
This made Jian weep even more. Huang Gai handed him a tissue.
"Thank you Huang Gai! You are so loyal." Jian said drying his tears.
"Who'd notice if Huang Gai wasn't a dog!" Da whispered in her sister's ear.
The Shu camp wasn't quite so organised. It took Yue Ying, Xing Cai and Guan Ping three and a half hours to persuade Liu Bei to do something. Liu was just content to make Zhao Yun do tricks.
"Please!" Yue Ying pleaded.
"No!" Liu Bei spat. "Sit! Good boy!" Liu Bei addressed Zhao Yun, throwing him pieces of meat.
"C'mon!" Xing begged.
"I said no. Roll over! Good boy! Goooood boy!"
"Do it and I won't tell Liu Chan you dropped him as a baby!" Ping grinned.
"… I concede, tell all to meet us her at nightfall. Shake! Good boy good little henchman!" Liu Bei said Giving Zhao more meat.
"Should you be eating that?" Xing asked.
"I'll do anything to make my lord happy!" Zhao grinned.
"o…k…" Yue Ying said as Ping vomited violently in the corner.
Nightfall came swiftly at the Wei camp. All officers gathered at the banquet hall, including the human Sima Yi, and awaited Cao Cao's orders. Cao Cao did emerge from hiding and addressed his people from the end of the table.
"As you can all see we have a big problem here." Cao Cao Said.
"What problem!" Xiahou Dun asked.
Everyone smacked their faces with their paws, off balancing them all and causing them to fall over. Xiahou Yuan took off his brother's eye patch and Dun gasped.
"Oh my lord! I'm drunk already? But I've only had one!" Dun cried.
"Actually that wasn't wine…" Zhang He said.
Dun looked confused, licked his lips, an expression of terror crossed his face and he began to cry.
"Erhm. If we can get back to the point! Now we have all been turned into dogs by Zhang Liao's evil magic." Cao said.
"You mean Zhang Jiao sir" Dian Wei said.
"Whatever… So being dogs is a terrible curse! We can't do anything useful!" Cao spat.
"I don't know about that sir, its really cool to be able to boss Cao Pi around!" Zhen Ji mused.
Cao Pi was shocked and said "What? No! I'm the man, I tell you what to…"
"BAD BOY! SIT!" Zhen shouted, cutting off his sentence. Cao Pi obediently sat straight away, whimpering. Everyone stared.
"Yes and on planet earth we have a problem. The only one who can help us is Sima Yi. He is the only human left among us. Sima, I see you have been studying alone for a while, have you come up with a plan to save us?" Cao asked
Sima Yi looked down at the blue-garbed hound beside him and said "No sir, I haven't been thinking of a way to save you lost causes, I've been thinking of a way to get rich off this thing!"
"What is this treachery?" Cao spat.
"Oh, how are you going to make me help you, Growl at me? I'm so scared! NOT! Come Zhang He I just got an idea that'll make me rich!" said Sima Yi.
" I don't have to!" Zhang He growled.
" Think again! Not only are you lower ranked than me but also you're a dog! You have to obey your master!" Sima grinned.
Zhang He looked around and all shrugged.
"Well… ok as long as we don't play that game with the aubergine (eggplant) again, that hurt a lot!" Zhang said following Sima out of the room.
"Fruit!" Dun yelled after him, to the reply
"I'm not a fruit! I'm a Kumquat!"
all stood in silence for a while. Cao broke the silence by saying " Well, With Sima Yi gone we're pretty much screwed."
"Well, there is one way we can still get over this." Pang De said "But it involves putting aside our pride and teaming up with…"
"Cookies!" Shang Xiang shouted.
"I don't think cookies will remedy our current situation but nice try sis." Quan said addressing his people.
The officers all stood in an immaculate line before Quan and his family. Huang Gai was giving Sun Ce a backrub. "Ohhh Gai! You're paws are magic!" Ce said, his ears twitching and his tail wagging.
"Anything for the Sun family!" Gai replied.
" Can you give me the… other massage later" Ce whispered.
Gai shuddered "Anything for the Sun family…"
Taishi Ci and Zhou Tai stood together. Zhou Tai suddenly jumped. Taishi looked around to see Lu Meng with his nose up Tai's arse.
"Meng! Stop that! That's disgusting!" Taishi growled.
"If he doesn't complain he doesn't mind!" Meng said sniffing hard.
Tai turned to Taishi mouthing 'please kill me now!'
"We all need to work together if we are to destroy this curse!" Sun Quan said. "Zhou Yu, have you a plan?" All turned to look at the human Zhou Yu who was kicking Lu Xun in the flank shouting "Stop humping my leg!"
"I can't help it! It's so beautiful!" Xun Cried.
Zhou Yu then noticed everyone was looking at him and said "well… there is nothing I can do to help and if there was I'd much rather be relaxing somewhere without worrying about looking after you guys! You're on your own." Yu said storming out, picking up Lu Xun and saying "I'll deal with you outside!"
"Erm… now we're doomed." Quan sighed.
"There is one force that can help us!" Shang Xiang Replied. "I've gotten very close to a man in Shu and I know him to be of the highest virtue and principals."
"Play Dead! Goooood boy! Good boy! Who is a good boy is it you?" Liu be said throwing bits of meat for Zhao Yun.
"so, what is the plan for changing us back then?" Huang Zhong asked
"… Plan? I don't have a plan! Zhuge Liang you think of something, that's your job isn't it?" Liu Bei said.
He turned to the human Zhuge Liang who was stroking the ears of the dog Jiang Wei, who looked as angry as Lu Bu on father's day.
"Pretty, pretty little boy! You're so pretty! Much nicer than when you were a human!" Zhuge cooed.
"Yes, I was ugly! But you still loved me didn't you?" Jiang Wei said slyly.
"Silence insolent wretch!" Zhuge Liang growled at Jiang Wei, pointing his fan at him.
"No… please prime minister, not the fan again… have some decency!" Jiang cried.
" I don't care how pretty you are, if you disobey me again I'll take this fan and…" Zhuge then became aware that everyone was watching him.
"Dude… un cool…." Wei Yan grumbled.
"I don't even want to think about it!" Pang tong murmured.
"Honey, we're going to have to have a serious talk about this whole Jiang Wei thing!" Yue Ying spat.
There was a brief moment of silence.
Zhuge Liang spat "I'm sick of all you! I'm going somewhere where people respect my kind!" Zhuge Liang said rushing out and dragging Jiang Wei by his breastplate.
"Remember me as a Shu hero!" Jiang called.
"No" Said Guan Yu.
So as before all were left in silence until Guan Yu uttered " Zhang Fei, stop licking there! That's disgusting. As much as I hate to say it we need to seek help."
"From who?" Liu Bei asked throwing some more meat at Yun.
"From one who gave me shelter when the three of us got separated…" Guan Yu said.
That's all for now" the next chapter will be up soon though.
