So letters were sent, replies were sent and soon the three kingdoms were travelling to Nan Zhong to meet up with each other and discuss strategy. Their original choice was to meet at Huang He River but it seems that Zhang Jiao had gotten there first. Cao Cao had to admit that the Yellow river was and apt base for the Yellow turbans, but it hadn't been called the yellow river until Xu Zhu's skinny dipping party so they left them to it.
Sima Yi had been walking for nearly a day and his feet were hurting.
"Where are we going anyway?" Zhang He asked, cantering along beside him on four awkward paws. Sima was silent.
"What's wrong? Why won't you talk to me?" Zhang Asked.
"I told you, I'm not talking to you until you say the word!" Sima growled.
"What word?" Zhang He asked.
"Beautiful!" Sima Spat.
"I haven't said it yet?" Zhang asked.
"No you haven't and its already chapter 2!" Growled.
"Chapter 2 eh? And I Still haven't said it! That doesn't sound like me at all!" He said.
Sima Yi snarled. "Oh just forget it! Its not worth the argument!"
"So… where are we going?" Zhang asked.
"I'm going to show you what I do best!" Sima grinned.
"Oh God you're not going to make me pregnant are you?" Zhang he jumped.
"What? No, Gross! Zhang He boys can't get pregnant!" Sima spat.
"Really? Then what about Cao pi? How did he…"
"I Thought I told you NEVER to mention that again!" Sima blurted.
"Oh, sorry sir, then what are you going to do with me?" He asked.
"I'm going to exploit you…" Sima Yi said.
"Oh God! It's Yuan Shao all over again! They warned me about men like you! They like pretty young things!" Zhang He whined.
"No! Not like that! I'm going to exploit you for money! Here we are!" Sima said stopping at the gates of a towering building. The sign on the door read: "Chi Bi's second annual pretty dogs show"
"Oh! That kind of exploit! That's ok then, as long as it isn't the kind with the whips that Yuan Shao liked!" Zhang He said.
Sima Yi looked worried but brushed it off and entered.
Not far behind them Zhou Yu was walking, Lu Xun trying desperately to keep up but tripping over his swallowtail cape thing.
"Zhou! Wait please! I'm sorry I didn't mean any offence I just came over funny that's all." Xun begged.
"Yeah, apologise! How the HELL am I going to get these stains out of my good silk!" Zhou growled. "These cost me my innocence!"
"Just slow down and tell me where you're going!" Xun asked, tripping over and getting a mouthful of dust.
Zhou sighed. "I'm going to Chi Bi to remind me of my one great victory."
"Oh! That time when you won Xiahou Dun's eye off him in the poker game!" Xun cooed.
"That very time! When I came home to Sun Ce, that eyeball wobbling in my palm like white jelly, it was the happiest moment of my life!" Zhou smiled.
"Hey, Zhou! Look at that big erection!" Xun called.
Zhou looked up quickly and was disappointed to see Lu Xun was referring to a statue. It was of a dog. The sign read "Fluffy, winner of the 199 Chi Bi pretty dog show".
Zhou inspected the statue for a while. "He's not that pretty, YOU kick his arse Xun!" Zhou laughed.
"Well, innocence is beauty!" Xun grinned.
"How did you ever manage to keep your innocence in Wu of all kingdoms?" Zhou Yu enquired.
"Metal Undies!" Xun Laughed.
"Looks like the dog show is running now! We can enter you and use the winnings to replace my good trousers!" Zhou said Taking Lu Xun inside.
Not Far behind them, Zhuge was walking with Jiang Wei on a lead.
Zhuge was airing his skirt and there was a suspicious yellow stain across the side.
"Has it dried out yet? Jiang Wei asked.
"No, bloody Wei Yan! Do I look like a pee-pee tree? NO!" Zhuge growled.
"Why do I have to wear the lead? Its so humiliating, in feel like a gimp!" Jiang Wei growled.
"There is a pretty dog show here I want to enter you in and we have to convince them you are really a dog!" Zhuge said.
"I think the fur, snout, tail, paws etc accomplished that nicely! Admit it! There is no excuse for the bondage! I bet it turns you on doesn't it!" Jiang growled.
"Shut Up! It does not!" Zhuge growled.
"Then take it off then!" Jiang said.
"I don't think so," Zhuge smiled.
"I'm hardly going to run away! Pretty thing like me, alone in the wilderness! The wolves will get me!" Jiang said.
"Stop being ridiculous!" Zhuge said.
"Yeah... I'm ridiculous? You're the one in the dress! And what is that fan all about anyway?" Jiang asked
"Quiet! It reminds me of my firs girlfriend!" Zhuge said.
"What was she? A pillow stuffer?" Jiang asked.
"No, she was a goose." Zhuge said.
"… A Goose?" Jiang Wei asked puzzled.
"I was young and reckless…" Zhuge said.
The two found the building and went inside.
"Now to show the whole of China how pretty you are!" Zhuge said. Jiang's eyes rolled back and he sighed. Zhuge walked up to the desk.
"I'd like to sign up my apprenti… Dog please." Zhuge said to the woman at the counter.
"Ok I just need you to fill out this form please." The lady said, handing Zhuge the form.
"Hmm… Name… Jiang Wei, What's your dog name?" Zhuge whispered to Jiang.
"Dog name? What do you mean?" Jiang asked.
"You know!" Zhuge said
"Oh, so my SLAVE name just isn't good enough for you! Just call me white spider you fickle bitch!" Jiang growled, turning away.
"I… is there a problem sir?" The woman asked.
"No, no problem." Zhuge said.
He filled it in and handed it back.
"What did you write then?" Jiang asked.
"Boyue." Zhuge asked.
"Boyue? Why the hell did you call me that?" Jiang asked
"Because you are a boy and you remind me of my wife!" Zhuge said.
"Why? You like watching me shave my legs?" Jiang grinned.
"SHUT UP!" Zhuge blurted ready to strike Jiang when he was interrupted by the woman's voice behind him.
"Excuse me sir, there is a mistake on the form"
"Oh I'm sorry I… Where?" Zhuge asked.
"Right here sir, 'gender of dog' you wrote boy." She said.
"Yes…" Zhuge said.
"Well, it's obviously a girl sir, look at her pretty face!" She said.
"I find that wholly offensive!" I'd take my leave this instant if I wasn't trussed up like a sacrifice!" Jiang growled.
"You have no idea when to keep your mouth shut do you? I assure you ma'am he is a boy!" Zhuge said
"Do you mind if I make sure?" The woman said, pulling on a rubber glove.
"By all means go ahead." Zhuge grinned.
"Oh! Hell no! Prime minister don't let her touch my manhood! I need that for when I find a girlfriend!" Jiang protested, trying to escape from the glove but only managing to get about a foot away.
"Oh come on now, with a face like that the only woman you cold ever hope to get is a lesbian." Zhuge said.
He turned to see Sima Yi, standing in the corner with his little dog Zhang He.
"Zhuge Liang? What are YOU doing here?" Sima Yi spat, fanning himself violently.
"I'm here to show the world how pretty my apprentice is!" Zhuge said.
"Really! How lame, I'm just here to exploit mine for money!" Sima Yi said.
"And I'm helping!" Zhang He said.
"Zhou Yu is here too, he just went to get ice cream." Sima said.
As he said this Zhou wandered over and handed an ice cream to Sima Yi.
"Why don't I get one?" Zhuge cried.
"Because I don't like you very much." Zhou said handing an ice cream to Zhang He. It slipped right out of his paws and onto the floor but Zhang was content to lick it up from there.
Jiang Wei wandered over shivering.
"You too?" Zhang He asked.
He nodded shakily.
"Here have some ice cream!" Zhang said.
"Th... Thanks…" Jiang said sharing Zhang's slop.
"Jiang Wei! Don't share with that little hussy!" Zhuge spat pulling him away.
"Bitch, bitch, bitch! You are the one covered in Wei Yan's juice and I'm the Hussy?" Zhang sighed.
"At least that one isn't my fault!" Lu Xun said, trying desperately to balance the cone with his tail.
The receptionist walked over to Sima Yi and said "Sir, you missed one point on your form what is the breed of your dog?" She asked
"He's a poodle." Sima said.
"I'm a Labrador!" Zhang spat.
"He's a Labradoodle." Sima said.
"Thank you sir." The woman said taking her leave.
"Well the contest starts in half an hour, we'd better go make our pets respectable" Zhou said taking Lu Xun away.
"Me too" Sima Yi said taking Zhang away. "White fans are gay."
"I heard that!" Zhuge fumed.
