Time jump: Later that day
Barba found himself in front of Olivia's apartment door once more. A bottle of his most expensive wine in hand. He had been saving it for a special occasion. So what better than letting the woman you love know you can never love her. He deemed that as a special fucked up occasion. Looking up at the door, he noted the small holes in the wood. He had done that after a particularly tough case to her. She wasn't answering the door causing him to panic and nearly bang the door down. His ring had caused the mark on it. Knocking softly he took a step back and waited.
"Rafael it's open!" She yelled.
Walking into the apartment he found her scurrying around the kitchen. "You think that with your line of work, you wouldn't leave your door unlocked." Placing the wine bottle on the counter, he shrugged his jacket off. "What if it hadn't been me?"
"I knew it was you." Benson retorted. "You are never not on time."
"But what if it hadn't been me?"
She paused to see the look of seriousness on his features. She noticed a tinge of worry as well. "I always have my gun at hand."
"Don't do that." Rafael muttered.
"Won't happen again." She wasn't sure what brought that on. It wasn't the first time she had left the door open for him. "Dinner is just about done."
Looking over at the stove he snorted at seeing the pasta cooking. "How was the rest of your day?"
"Busy." Benson sighed. "We will need you to take a look at a case tomorrow."
"Not a problem."
Silence fell over them with a heavy question. Barba tried to think of something to say. Anything to prolong the upcoming conversation. He didn't want to lie to her, but if he must he would. Benson kept glancing at him every few seconds. She tried catching his eyes a few times, only for him to look away. Finally giving up she shut the stove off and walked into the living room. Taking a seat on the couch without saying a word.
Barba cursed to himself. "W-where is Noah?"
"Rollins."
'Great, she's pissed.' Dropping his head with a shake, he forced himself to walk towards her. "Alright, I get it. You're mad at me."
Olivia glanced up at him with a raised brow. "No, I'm not mad."
"No?"
"No. I'm disappointed and hurt."
'Ouch.' For some reason those words hurt even more. "Liv what do you want me to say?"
"Why?"
"I am going to need a little more clarity here." Barba sat on the coffee table across from her. "Why what?"
"Why can't we give this a try?" Benson was feeling vulnerable at the moment. A feeling foreign to her. She vowed never to anyone into her life and heart after Elliot. Anything to avoid getting hurt.
Barba locked his lips, trying to come up with an excuse good enough for her. Not that there was any. "I don't know." He surprised himself with those words. That was not what he meant to say. "I mean…" He clenched his jaws at not being able to say the words.
'Just say them you idiot! You don't love her! You can't love her!'
"Olivia, I love you and Noah with every fiber of my body."
'Completely the opposite you moron!'
"But I can't commit to anything beyond what we have at the moment." Taking her hand in his he held them tightly. He was afraid that the moment he let go, she would disappear. "If I agreed to take the next step it will be a mistake."
Benson scoffed softly. "Mistake?"
"Not for the reasons you are imagining. Being with you would never be a mistake."
Freeing one hand she cupped his jaw. "Then what's the issue?"
Barba leaned into her touch with closed eyes. "I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to loose what we have. I can't give you what you need or want from me. We do this and you will end up hurting because of me. That happens and I will never be able to forgive myself. I am not just thinking about you and me either, but of Noah as well. Hurting that boy is the same as hurting you."
"Rafa, every relationships have their challenges." Olivia whispered.
Barba shook his head. "There are things I can't tell you. Not now, perhaps never. I am certain that when you find out-if you do-you will hate me. Want nothing to do with me and believe me I will understand." Pushing a strand of hair behind her ear, he grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her into a kiss. Resting his forehead on hers, he exhaled slowly.
Olivia stared into his eyes. He mimicked the same emotions she did. Sadness, love and heartbreak. "I swore to myself I would never allow someone back into my life to the extent I have allowed you. You can't just come into my life the way you did, make me fall in love with you, make my son fall for you and then say you can't love us back. That's not how this works Rafael."
"But that's the thing, I do. The both of you. I would do anything for the both of you."
Olivia shoved his hand away and stood up. Walking around the couch she placed her hands on the back rest of the couch. "But you just can't commit to us. How does that make sense?!"
"Liv-"
"No, explain it to me please."
Running hand through his hair, he gripped a hand full with a groan. "I don't know how to! I can't even explain it to myself. I think one thing and end up telling you something completely different. Even I don't understand myself right now."
Olivia looked up at the ceiling at an attempt to stop the tears from falling. She was not about to cry in front of him. "Leave please."
Barba gulped the lump in his throat. "Liv please do-"
"Barba please." She gave him a watery chuckle. "I had a few ideas of how this night could have ended. Safe to say this was not one of them. I just need to be alone."
Slowly getting up he reached for his jacket, giving her one last look he walked out. Closing the door behind him, he fell back into it and sighed. The one thing he had been trying to prevent was the one thing he did. He broke her heart, made her cry and hate him in one sitting. 'You really are a piece of work Rafael.' Sliding down to the ground he sat there for a minute. 'Did I do the right thing?' Was he truly protecting himself or her? Ever since the death of his family he vowed never to go through that pain again. To always put his family before him. So was he truly protecting Olivia or preventing himself any more pain. 'What the fuck am I doing?!' Jumping to his feet, he raised his hand to knock when his phone went off.
Pulling the phone out with a harsh jerk he growled at seeing the message.
'We need you for an assignment.'
"You have to be fucken kidding me."
'Can this wait?'
'No, James needs to brief you now. The assignment must be done by tomorrow.'
Giving the door one last look, he rushed down the hallway. 'On my way.'
Olivia sat on the couch with half an empty bottle of wine. The tear stains long dried on her face. She tried to understand him, she truly did and in a small concept she did. And she was thankful for his honesty, but that didn't stop the hurt. No matter in what way he said it, at the end of the day he had rejected her. She snorted. "And he has the nerve to say he loves me." Serving herself another glass of wine, she was alerted of a text.
'Can we talk?' It was Brian.
'Not now. I need a day alone.'
'I'm outside your building. I just need to say my piece and I'll be gone.'
Olivia sighed. 'Come up.'
Time jump: Next day
Barba walked up the stairs wiping his hands off as clean as he could. James had given him the task of getting names from some high-end drug lord. Turns out the idiot was involved in the massacre of six high officials and their families. To his surprise, he held off longer than he thought, causing things to take a bloody turn.
Camren stood on the docks waiting for Barba to come up. "Here, this will get rid of the blood." Handing him a bucket filled with something, she also held his phone up. "You might want to hurry; Rollins has been calling non-stop."
Barba crouched down to clean his hands, while he read the message. "I suppose they don't grasp what a weekend off means."
"Suppose not and neither does James." She grumbled. "I should be tanning on a beach somewhere."
"The yacht is up for grabs." Barba chuckled. "Just don't use the lower deck."
"Did he tell you anything?"
"He gave me the names he sold the weapons to." Pulling out a recorder, he handed it to Carmen. "He also gave me the names of all his clients. Including some that had access to the officials' files. Whoever green-lit them is named there."
"James will probably want you to handle this as well." Carmen stated. "Once we get them."
"But will he just want a confession or an added bonus?"
Carmen shrugged. "You know how he gets."
"That's why I'm asking." Barba tossed the towel off the side of the boat. Feeling his phone vibrate once more he resisted the urge of tossing it over as well. "I have to go. When the cleaners get here make sure they dispose of the body well off the docks. Once that is done have them take the boat a bit further out and burn it."
"National guards will detect the fire." Carmen pointed out.
"Which is why they will need to use the bombs." Barba jumped onto the docks grabbing his keys and bag. "The quicker it burns the less attention it will draw. And Carmen?"
"Yeah?"
"They screw anything up, get rid of them."
She held her pistol up with a sly grin. "Already on that."
Walking off the elevator he frowned at not finding anyone in the bullpen. Stopping a young officer and asking him, he was pointed towards the interrogation rooms. Seeing Olivia standing with her back turned towards him. He debated turning around and running for the hills. But he also knew they needed to talk this out. He couldn't have her thinking he was bailing on them.
"Where's the fire Rollins?" Barba walked into the room all the time trying not to make eye contact with her just yet.
Olivia raised a brow, not being able to help herself. "Where were you on your yacht?"
"Not my yacht." So, she was joking with him. He wasn't sure if that was a good sign or not. "What are we looking at?"
"William Lewis, unemployed drifter." Carrisi began. "We have three witnesses who saw him expose himself in central park."
"Really?" Barba couldn't help but laugh. This was a joke, right? The squad's idea of a prank. "And you called me in here for a class 'B' misdemeanor, because you wanted to use up all your favors in one fell swoop?"
"It's not like that, okay?" Rollins showed no signs of taking the banter. "This guy is hard-core."
"How bad is his record?"
"We don't know."
Barba rolled his head with a sigh. "So, he has no record? What am I missing here?"
"We can't run his prints because his fingers are burned off." She held her hands out as if it were hers that had been burnt. "And if you ask me, he did it deliberately."
Barba narrowed his eyes at the man sitting in the room. "And if you ask him? What's his story?"
"Everything happens to him." Olivia replied. "His fingers were burned in a kitchen accident. He wasn't flashing, he was chafed."
"Yeah, and we've got two victims, two teenaged tourists." Rollins jumped in.
"And we know he wasn't just Chafed?" He saw the look Olivia gave him. "I have to ask."
"Look, we have an elegant witness who heard him verbally attack the girls." Amaro stated.
Carrisi handed him a small notepad. "We had her write down everything he said."
"Get down on your knees..." He stopped himself from repeating the word. No need for repetition. "Open your mouth and take communion. I suppose he thinks that's spiritual."
"It's probative of lewdness." Rollins jumped for the taking.
Barba hated when she got so intimate with a case. She was like a heat-seeking missile. No one can stop her until she got what she wanted, and most of the time he was in the path. "Even so, we get him in front of a judge, he'll get time served."
"Fine!" Rollins scoffed. "I just want him to take the plea so we can get his DNA. He's hiding something. I want to know what."
Sharing a look with Olivia he agreed forcibly. He wasn't sure why they couldn't just sit on him and wait. If he was truly up to something, they were bound to catch him on something worse. "Alright, let's just hope I don't get laughed out of the court room."
Rollins patted him on the shoulder. "You a big boy, nothing you can't handle."
"Just book him." Touching Olivia on the arm, he jerked his head towards her office. "Can we talk?"
"Now?"
"Now."
"Okay." leading them into her office, she took a seat at her desk. "What do you want counselor?"
"Counselor." Barba chuckled in an attempt to hide the dislike to her tone. "So, the little banter just now was what? Show for the squad?"
"What do you want?"
Barba threw his jacket on the couch and stood behind one of the chairs. "I need to apologize."
Olivia dropped her glasses on the desk a little too hard. "I don't want to hear it. You said everything I needed to hear last night."
"No, I didn't." Barba snapped, stopping her from trying to cut him off. "I was a mess last night. I kept fumbling over my thoughts and words, and kept saying the wrong things."
"Barba, I understand." Olivia forced a smile. "You want to stay friends."
"That's the thing I don't!" Barba growled slamming his hands on the chair. "I want nothing more than to pursue something with you. Last night I had so many thoughts going through my mind, I didn't get the point across."
"Oh, no you did." Olivia laughed humorlessly.
"I-I don't want to hurt you." Barba dropped his head, refusing to look at her. He hated opening himself to anyone, even to her. "I don't want to get hurt again."
Olivia froze for a second, seeing his shoulders just drop. The man refused to look at her. His knuckles turning white from the force he was gripping the chair's back rest. "Rafa?"
"When I first met you that night I was going through some events."
"The deaths of your sister and nephew, I remember."
Barba nodded. "What I didn't tell was that they were murdered. Because of what I do, they went after them. I knew the risks of what it meant to have them near me. But I was selfish. And it caused them their life." Summing up the courage to look up, he was met with sad eyes. "I don't want that for you. I don't want to be the reason you and Noah get hurt. I could never forgive myself. But I am a selfish man and as hard as I keep telling myself to stay away, I can't." Pulling the chair back harshly he fell down with a huff. "What the hell have you done to me Benson?"
Olivia stood from her chair walked from around her desk and stopped beside him. She waited until he looked up at her. She could never get enough of his green eyes. Leaning down she pulled him in for a kiss. It wasn't to instigate anything between them. But it was enough to pour her emotions through. Let him know everything she couldn't say in words.
Rafael was surprised by the kiss, but there was no way in hell he was backing off. Circling one arm around her waist, he pulled her down to sit on his lap. His other hand held her face as he deepened the kiss. He felt her hands slide up his chest and circle around his neck. He really was a selfish man.
"Hey cap, we-wow!" Carrisi closed the door just as fast as he had opened it.
Both Barba and Olivia couldn't help but laugh. They are around the worse of crimes every day, yet seeing two people kiss was enough to make him blush.
Giving him one quick peck, she climbed off his lap and back around her desk. "Carrisi you can come back in."
The younger man walked in with his eyes looking up. "Ah, I ain't seeing anything."
"There isn't anything to see." Barba smirked. "At least not anymore." Standing up, he slapped Carrisi on the back a little too hard. "We need to work on your timing. Liv, lunch?"
"I'd like that." Waiting for him to leave, she turned towards Carrisi and pinned him with a look. "Not a word to anyone."
"My lips are sealed." Carrisi mimicked a salute, before falling into a chair. "So, we have run through every possible database for this guy. Nothing."
"What do you mean nothing?"
"Just that, nothing." He leaned back with a frustrated sigh. "No record of him living anywhere. No job or family. The guy is a ghost."
"Keep digging. There has to be something." Bensons ordered. "He can't just no exist."
"On it cap."
Time jump: lunch
Barba walked into the small restaurant spotting Olivia at the table farthest from everyone. He wasn't too keen of the spot she sat at. They had no view of the front or back door. It was a kind spot to anyone coming and going.
"Hey." Giving her a kiss on the cheek, he took the chair across from her. "Did you order?"
"No, waiting on you."
Calling the waiter over, he gave their order and handed her the menus. "Did you see Lewis and his lawyer?"
"You mean the affection he gave her?" Olivia scoffed. "Yeah, I saw it."
"Anything on his past?"
"No. So far we can't find anything on him."
"Keep looking something has to pop up." Barba stopped talking as the waiter approached with their food. "Thank you."
For once in who knows how long the silence that fell over them, held no strain at all. It was a comfortable feeling. Halfway through lunch Olivia reached over snatching a piece of his chicken.
Barba scoffed laughter. "This is the reason I always get the larger portion."
"I don't do that often." Olivia took the bite with a smile.
Barba leaned closer with a raised brow. "You do that every time we eat."
"I didn't realize."
"It's fine Liv, I don't mind it."
Putting the fork down, she crossed her arms. "Barba what is this?"
"Lunch date." He chuckled.
"You know what I mean."
Barba sighed pushing his plate away. "What do you want it to be?"
"Seriously?"
"Don't take it the wrong way. Up until entering your office, I had given up on any chance of being anything. After the night before I didn't even think our friendship would hold." Taking a sip of his scotch. He leaned back. "I am not looking for anything casual. Hell, I shouldn't even be doing this, but my judgement turns into nothing when I am around you. I can't think straight."
Olivia reached for his hand, interlocking their fingers. "Casual is not what I am looking for Rafael. Being in a relationship with someone, even when you love them is not easy for me. With my job and my son, it's not-"
"Liv it's me you're talking to." Barba lowered his tone, making sure she was the only one to hear his next words. "When it comes to Noah and you, you both are my first priority. As for your job nothing I haven't dealt with before."
"So..." She lowered her head with a hopeful look.
Barba laughed giving her a nod. "Liv, would you like to give this a go? Make it official?"
Getting a text on her phone, Liv chuckled. "We have to get back. Seems Rollins found something."
"You haven't given me an answer." Barba followed her out towards the car. "Liv?"
"I have to think about it." Before she could slip into the car she was turned around and pushed against the car. "Rafa?"
Barba gave her a heated look before pulling her into a kiss. "Need a little more persuasion?"
Circling her arms around his neck, she played with the hair at the nape of his neck. "Maybe just a little bit."
As he leaned in a hand suddenly landed on his shoulder. Barba reacted out of pure instinct and training. Grabbing the hand, he dragged the person down onto the hood of the car.
"Ow. Ow. Ow!"
"Rafael!" Olivia was stunned by his reaction. "Hey, let him go."
Barba snapped out of his trance, surprised to find Chief Dodds bent over the hood of the car. "Shit, Chief Dodds."
"Mind letting me go?" Dodds groaned.
Barba jumped back glancing at Olivia with an embarrassed look. "Sorry Chief. You startled me."
Dodds pushed himself off the hood, rotating his arm around. "Always react that way?"
"You always approach without announcing yourself?" Barba stood between Dodds and Olivia. "What can I do for you Chief?"
"Nothing, I was actually just coming to say hi." Dodds gestured towards his car. "I was coming in for lunch when I spotted you both."
"Well, we have to head back to the station." Benson reminded Barba.
"Of course." Dodds nodded. "Oh, Captain Benson stop by my office when you get a chance."
"Ah, of course Chief."
Barba waited until Dodds was gone before bursting out laughing. "Someone's in trouble."
"Shut up and get in the car."
"Commanding as always Captain."
Olivia rolled her eyes. "What have I gotten myself into."
