Time jump: A week
Barba walked into his loft, tossing his keys in the bowl and jacket on the rack. Stepping into the living room he found Noah and Liv curled up on the couch. The end credits to Finding Nemo playing in the background. Grabbing the throw blanket from the recliner, he draped it over the two. Planting a kiss on the boy's head, he looked over at Olivia. She was snoring lightly. Something she refused to admit she did. Regardless of how many times he has told or caught her. Not that he cared anyway, but it was fun getting her riled up about it. He frowned at notching her hair was cut short. Brushing a strand of hair away from her cheek, he didn't fail in seeing her body tense.
Letting his hand drop to his side Barba left them alone and treaded into the kitchen. Grabbing the bottle of scotch from the top cabinet, he served himself a glass.
In the past week, things have not been the easiest for either of them. Olivia was still at alert every moment of the day. Any touch she received was responded with a flinch. He refrained from laying his hands on her. It's been days since he was last able to hug her or even hold her hand. And he understood it. He truly did, it was just hard doing so when you lived in the same household and slept in the same bed. Which was why he no longer slept there. After her first freak out in the bed, after he laid his hand on her hip he moved to the guest room. She insisted on returning his bedroom, but he refused. His bedroom was the only one with the bathroom attached.
That was another thing he had noticed. Olivia didn't allow him in the room when she was changing. She refused to let him see the scares. Wouldn't even let him help her apply the ointment on the scars. The one time he accidentally walked into the room and found her shirtless, she nearly ripped his head off. Of course, he didn't bring up the subject. He learned it was better to let her bring up the subject instead.
"Hey, when did you get back?" Olivia found him leaning against the kitchen island, gazing out the window. "Didn't hear you come in."
"A few moments ago." His eyes fell on the golden liquid in his hand. "How was your day?"
"Boring." Taking a seat at the table, she turned to face him. "Work?"
"No new cases, just paperwork."
"Hmm."
An awkward silence fell over the both of them. Barba wasn't sure what to say. He didn't know what would trigger her. So instead he drowned in his scotch.
Olivia tapped her fingers on the solid wooden table. She wasn't stupid, she saw the way he was around her. He never stood closer than 7 feet from her. He stopped any attempt of touching her. No longer asked her about Lewis or what happened. Not that she blamed him. She did snap at him a few days ago for walking in on her changing.
She wasn't mad about him walking in. She was ashamed of her body. The scars left on her were a reminder of what he did. Barba didn't need to see them. He didn't need that image of her. She couldn't bring herself to talk about them to him. Although he probably has with him leading the case against Lewis.
Looking over at him she was met with his blazing green eyes. They mirrored the same emotions as hers.
Longing.
Tossing the rest of the drink back, he placed the glass on the counter. "I-Uhh-I am going to take a shower. Did you and Noah eat?"
"We ate before the movie."
Pulling his wallet out and handing it to her, he stepped away. "Call in take out. Anything is fine with me."
"Rafa." She called before he could run out of the kitchen. His head inclined towards her. "Thank you, for everything."
He shook his head. "Never thank me for anything I do for you Liv. I do it because you deserve it and because it's something I want to do." He contemplated telling her he loved her but thought against it. No need in adding any more pressure to their already strained relationship.
Time jump: 3 months
Olivia stepped into the living room in search of her phone, noticing the light to the kitchen was on. Completely forgetting about her phone she went off to investigate. Not to her surprise, she found Barba nursing on a glass of scotch. What shocked her was the bruise on his jaw.
"What happened to you?"
Before Barba could answer she was by his side with the ice pack. One hand pressed against the back of his head, holding him in place. The other holding the pack against the aching bruise. "Don't worry about it."
"Don't worry about it?" Surely he was joking with her. Right? "You come home bruised and with a busted lip and you tell me not to worry about it?"
Barba clenched his jaw jerking his head out of her grasp not noticing the slight flinch she made. "It's nothing Liv."
"Rafa talk to me." She lowered her voice, trying to coax him into opening up.
"It's nothing I couldn't handle." Pushing the glass away from him he stood up to leave. "I'm fine."
"Don't shut me out, Rafa." Olivia grabbed ahold of his arm, pushing him back down in the chair. "Talk to me."
"Communication works both ways." He muttered.
Olivia frowned. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Exactly that." He knew he was treading on dangerous ground. But it was now or never. "You realize that not once have we talked about what happened? Lewis? The events before the beach house. None of it."
"You have the files, Rafael. You know what happened."
"Those files don't tell what you are feeling." He retorted. "They don't tell me how I can help you. How I should act around you."
"Act around me?" She scoffed. "I'm not a victim Barba."
"I'm not saying you are, but I don't know what to do anymore." Reaching for her hand he sighed the moment she pulled it away. "This was a mistake." Walking out of the kitchen he jogged up the stairs and into the guest room. Not realizing he had been followed.
"What was a mistake?" Olivia stormed into the room, closing the door behind her. She didn't want Noah hearing them. "Us?"
Barba closed his eyes for a moment, praying for some patience. "We were never a mistake."
"Then?"
"It was a mistake to try and talk to you about it. I learned some time ago all that gets me is you shutting down." Crossing his arms in an x, he grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it off. "I'm sorry, won't bring it up again."
Olivia stared at him with pure anger. "You're saying you can't talk to me?"
"I am saying I can't talk to you when it's about this." He sighed.
"There is nothing more to talk about." She threw her hands up. "I am fine."
Pulling a T-shirt from his drawer, he paused for a moment. "You're fine?"
"Yes."
"Liv, you either flinch or back away whenever I try to touch you. Just two days ago you nearly punched me after I grabbed your arm. You become enraged anytime I walk in the room and you're changing." Grabbing the shirt and towel he tilted his head in a 'yeah right' motion. "But you're fine."
Olivia stayed grounded to her spot on the floor. Her feet refused to move. She hadn't realized she was even doing that. It wasn't because she was afraid of him or because she didn't want him touching her again. It was because of the scars. She didn't want him seeing them. She feared the moment he did he would turn away from her. He'd no longer want her by his side. She still felt disgusting at seeing them every morning. That's what she was afraid of.
Barba braced himself against the sink, staring at his reflection. "You're a fucken idiot!"
He wasn't upset with her. Nor was this about her at all. He had been called in for an assignment earlier. Not only was he forced to work with another ghost, but it so happened to be the son of a bitch that helped Aaron take his family. After the assignment, he cornered the man, and although he planned to just talk things got out of hand. One moment they were talking and the next throwing punches. A knife was pulled somewhere between the fight and it ended up lodged in the man's throat. So, yeah not the best day.
After finishing his shower and changing into a pair of shorts he walked out to find Olivia sitting on the bed. "Liv?"
"Let's talk." Patting the spot beside her, she waited until he sat down.
Barba felt like a child in trouble at the moment. "Listen, I'm sorry. I should have never snapped at you the way I did."
"Actually, it made me understand what the problem was."
"Meaning?"
Taking his hand in hers, she placed it on her lap. "Rafael I'm not scared of your touch. It had nothing to do with you."
Barba frowned. "Then what is it?" He noticed the way she looked away from him. Fear slipped into her features. "The scars?" All he got in response was a nod. Now he felt like an ass. Here he was complaining about her not talking to him and not being able to touch her, not taking into consideration how she much feel with herself. "Liv, look at me." Placing his knuckle under her chin he slowly guided her to look back at him. "Olivia, I am not with you because of your body. Or because of the sex no matter how great it is. I am here because of you and only you. The body is just a vessel for us." Cupping her jaw he pulled her forward, kissing her forehead. "Nothing can ever make me stop loving you. Those are just a reminder of how strong you are. He tried breaking you, but in the end, you came out on top. He tried what many have done and failed just the same." He moved his arm around her waist. "I told you I would never leave you and I meant it Liv."
Barba vowed to stay by her side for as long as she wanted him. Even if that meant going head to head with the people that made him who he was. For her, he'd wage war on thousands of ghosts.
Time jump: 4 months.
Barba groaned at the morning light invading his wonderful darkness. Clumsily patting his hand on the nightstand, he grabbed his phone. The brightness blinding him for a moment, he has to squint his eyes to see the time. "5 am. Why the hell am I waking up at 5 am."
Feeling the body next to him squirm, he paused all movement until she settled back to sleep. Turning his head to the side he found Olivia snuggled into him. Running the back of his finger down her cheek he released a long sigh. Slowly he climbed out of bed, replacing his body with one of his pillows. She always said they smell like him, so it should do the trick for now. Pausing once more to check he didn't wake her up, he left the door slightly open as he made his way to Noah's room.
Today was going to be a tough day for everyone. Especially for her.
Poking his head into the room, he was surprised to find the boy up and dressed. Minus the shoe Noah was struggling to put on. Desoro lay splayed out on his bed, not even bothered by the sun hitting her black coat. "Morning mijo. You need help with that?" Noah nodded with a grateful look; Barba kneeled slipping the shoe in with ease and tying the laces.
"Thank you." Noah said once Barba was done. "Is mom awake yet?"
"No, I want to let her sleep a little longer." Barba stayed crouched down, keeping him at eye level with Noah. "We have a hard day at working coming up. So, I was thinking why not make her some breakfast?"
"Yes!" Noah jumped off the bed and out of the room. Completely forgetting about Barba.
"Desoro." Getting the dog up and following he sent her out to the balcony.
Walking into the kitchen he found Henry wearing an oversize apron with bright bold letters that read 'Forget kissing the cook. Blow me!' He cringed at the thought of what Olivia would do if she saw her son wearing that. After switching him out of the vulgar apron they got to work.
Now Barba was a good cook. It was one of the few things he picked up from his travels. That and being a single man he required a way to feed himself. But add a 6-year-old boy, with flour and things might get a little messy.
Barba had just finished cooking the last of the pancakes when he felt Noah's finger streaked his cheek. Turning the stove off he wiped his face, pulling the pancake mixture off. Noah laughed pounding his small fist on the counter, nearly falling off the stool had he not caught the edge of the table. Barba smirked, grabbing a small amount of flour in his hand and blowing it in the direction of Noah.
Soon the kitchen was a war zone. ADA Rafael Barba vs. Noah Benson son of a cop.
Olivia held the body closer to her, frowning at feeling it so flimsy. Lifting her head she found Rafael's spot empty. Catching the sound of laughter coming from the kitchen had her curious. Climbing out of bed, putting her slippers on and her robe she followed the laughs into the kitchen. She couldn't help but laugh at the scene herself. Barba was taking cover behind the island in the kitchen as Noah took cover on the other side. Each throwing handful of flour over trying to get the other.
At the sound of her laughter, the 'boys' paused their attacks jumping to their feet. Both look like two kids in trouble. Noah threw one last handful of flour, before running to his mother. Barba gave him a playful glare surrendering the handful of flour he had, before turning his attention to Olivia.
"What are you two doing?" Olivia barely got the words out from her laughter.
"Morning mami, we were going to make you breakfast in bed." Although enough time for her injures to heal, Noah was still careful when hugging her.
"Morning baby." Kissing him on the head, she gestured to the messy kitchen. "Now what happen here?"
Both males began talking at the same time, pointing at each other speaking over each other. Olivia held her hand to her mouth hiding her amusement.
"Stop, Noah, go upstairs and get ready for a bath." Noah didn't need to be told twice as he bolted up the stairs and into the bathroom.
Before she could say anything else a pair of hands wrapped around her waist. Looking up at the smiling man, she groaned at seeing the flour now on her clothes. "The plan was to make you breakfast in bed." He explained. "But it appears mixing boys and flour isn't the best combination."
Olivia scoffed/laughed, reaching for the surprisingly clean towel on the counter and wiping his face clean. "That's just common sense Rafa."
"I don't have any when I'm around you two." Barba nudges her nose with his. "Sorry, we woke you up."
Olivia shook her head wrapping her hands around his neck she pulled him down for a kiss. Barba groaned at the sweet taste. Olivia had a distinctive taste of honey and vanilla; it was at that moment Barba knew that no matter what he did he will never get enough of it.
Pulling back she tapped her finger against his cheek. "Don't be. It's been a while since I have heard Noah laugh that much."
Barba stared down at her, caressing her jawline. He wasn't sure how to express his feeling to her. To tell her he loved that boy as his own. Just like her, he would do the impossible to ensure he was always safe. That like her, Noah had him wrapped around his finger. How does one open up?
"Rafa?" Olivia had seen the struggle in his eyes. He wanted to say something. But as always he refused to appear weak in front of her. "Talk to me."
"I-I can't." He found himself replying. "I don't know how."
Olivia stared up into his eyes, finding fear and pain. "Just talk. About everything or nothing. Just talk."
"Liv, you need to understand I don't know how." Letting his arms drop to his side, he stepped back. "Think of it as a house with endless rooms. I have rooms filled with every emotion I have pushed down. Regret being my largest one and it just keeps growing. I regret many things I have done. My trust issues. My struggling to understand who I am and what I have become."
Keeping her distance from him, she allowed him to vent. This was the first time he was opening up freely to her.
"I have a safe room. One I have never allowed any in. Because the moment I do, I know they will turn and leave. It's happened and I have been scared from that. I hate admitting it, but it's true. So it's easier to leave my doors locked." Holding his hand out to her, he waited for her to take it. "You have gotten many other doors to open, some I had forgotten I even had. But there are still some that remain sealed shut, including this one. I can't lose you for what's behind that one."
"Nothing can ever scare me away from you."
"You say that now." He chuckled. "But we all have a red door we keep hidden from everyone. Even to those we love." Pushing a strand of hair behind her ear, he placed his hand over her cheek. "But it hasn't all been in vain Liv. For so long I was someone I didn't like. Someone that had no emotions or remorse. Nothing was able to change or move me until you walked into my office. At that moment I realized it wasn't completely lost. You became my reason to live. You and Noah. My doors started opening for you, no matter how hard I tried keeping them shut. But you just weaseled your way into my world. Turning my black and white world in all sorts of shades." Resting his forehead on hers, he shut his eyes. "You did the impossible. You have made me fall madly in love with you."
"Rafa…" She had no words that could even match what he has spoken.
Barba shook his head, pulling her deeper into his hold. She has opened another one of his doors. Even if he wanted to stop, he couldn't. The room was overfilled with the aches of his heart and it wanted out. "I have lived long enough to know that what we share I can't replicate with another. This love, this feeling, is just you and me. I could travel the world and the seven seas; I'd still have to come right back here if I wanted true love. It's not that nobody else wants me, or you, but that we were born to spark and run the same course. We are the protectors of one another, confidents, and true friends. The trust I give you, that you give me, is what keeps us safe in this world, in this life. So whether this heart beats another day or another hundred years - it is yours."
Olivia was speechless once more. Here he was pouring his heart and soul, and she couldn't even form a complete sentence. "Rafa…I-" Looking up at him she was met with blazing green ones.
"Don't. Just let me hold you."
She could hear Barba speaking to her, but she was too drawn into his body heat. In that simple moment, with his arms wrapped around her, she let her head rest upon his chest. All her thoughts stopped as if her heart took over for her head. Next, he would squeeze as if he needed to check she was really there with him, really there and really real... and she was, body and soul. Olivia doubted anyone else had ever felt the way she do about his arms, though she pity them if they did love this much and lost it.
In those moments, her mother's words came back to haunt her.
10-year-old Olivia had asked her mother what real love was. It was one of the few times her mother was sober in a good mood.
'Real love is a protector, a defender, a ride-or-die connection that stays with you for always and in all ways. It is raw and it will roar for you if required. It will stay with you in quietness and be your comfort. Real love will celebrate with you, and raise you up. Real love will be okay with your sadness and kiss the scars you hide from others. It is rare. Treasure it. Keep it as long as it's alive. For real love is the greatest blessing you can find.'
