Yeah, well, who needs A-levels?
The next day, Howard and Vince were walking around distributing seed (Vince's favourite job), discussing be-bop. At least, Howard was babbling on about it, whilst Vince's thoughts went something like this: oh my god, he's talking about jazz again. The only reason he likes it is because he thinks it'll make Gideon like him, because he's an intellectual… doesn't he know girls don't like that? Not cool girls anyway, cool girls like bright colours and sparkles and guys that are funny, not boring intellectuals. Maybe if he just sorted out his look a bit – I could do that for him, get him some flares, some boots, not platforms obviously, he's tall enough…
While all this was going on, Vince had a look of deep concentration on his face, which Howard mistakenly though was directed at him. 'With the emergence of hard bop and modal jazz in the late 1950s and early 1960s-'
I'd have to have a go at his hair while I was at it though. Maybe if I stopped cutting it in the night, it would grow out pretty soon and he'd be begging for my help.. I don't think a mullet would work, definitely not with that ridiculous moustache, but it definitely needs something for volume…
'Vince? Are you even listening?'
'What?'
'Have you listened to anything I've said?'
Luckily, before Vince had to answer, there was a shout from the zoo gates.
'Vince, you great ponce!' (see, I told you).
Howard and Vince turned around to see a slim girl of about 18 standing at the zoo entrance. She wore jeans, stylishly torn and patched, and a baggy t-shirt sporting the slogan 'Scumbag College'. A studded belt broke up the ensemble, and short black hair with pink streaks framed an impish face.
'Tara!' Vince cried in return, running over and hugging her. 'Alright?' they chorused together, then giggled.
'Have a good journey? How was Scotland?' Vince asked.
'Ah, beautiful. The lochs were gorgeous, I did loads of landscapes…'
Howard, who had been standing awkwardly nearby, coughed slightly.
'Oh sorry, Tara, this is Howard, Howard, Tara.'
'Tara, pleased to meet you.' Said Howard, shaking her hand.
'You too, Vince talks about you loads. Is it true you used to be a prostitute?'
Howard blushed violently. 'Vince! I told you to stop telling people about that!'
'Oh my god, I was joking!' exclaimed Tara, laughing, while Vince, standing behind her, struggled to stifle his giggles.
Trying to reclaim some of his lost dignity, Howard said 'So you've been in Scotland then? Very interesting place Scotland, did you know for example that Like Loch Ness, Loch Maree has its own monster in the form of the muc-sheilch?'
'No, but I went past there, apparently its like the fourth largest freshwater loch in Scotland.'
Vince sighed. Perhaps some girls do like intellectuals. But they were all probably pretty crazy, like his little sister. Why don't I know any normal people? Vince thought, as Howard and Tara kept talking.
'Moon! Vince! Get your asses in here now!' a brash american voice yelled over the tannoy. At the sound, Tara had looked around, alarmed. Then, in failing to spot a source for the sound, stared up at the sky, hoping to find some answers there. Instead she saw a bird with the head of a mongoose flying past a cloud shaped like a penguin. Not the animal, the chocolate bar.
'C'mon, we'd better get going' said Howard, and Vince, glad of the break in conversation, which had now evolved into the finer points of trout fishing, agreed.
'Who was that?' asked Tara as they walked.
'That was Bob Fossil, our boss.'
'Charming man.'
As soon as they entered the office, Fossil shut off the Colobos the Crab tape he had been listening to and began talking.
'Right you two beatniks, I need you to WHO THE HELL IS THIS!'
'This is my sister Mr Fossil, Tara.'
'Hi.' she said, waving.
'What do you want, a banana dipped in mustard? I need you two to clean out the furry flipper faced guy.'
'The what?'
'You know. With the claws?' Fossil made a very poor attempt at a mime.
Thinking for a moment, Howard ventured 'The… platypus?'
'Yeah'
While this had been going on, Tara had thought about bananas dipped in mustard. As you do. I wonder what that would taste like? I mean, it sounds horrile, but then so did quavers dipped in cream egg… and they say you should eat strawberries with pepper, so…
'GET ON IT!'
Fossil's yell jolted her out of her thoughts, and she followed Vince and Howard outside.
'Howard, can you handle this? I wanna show Tara around.'
'What? No, c'mon, you know it's a two-man job!'
'Can't you get someone to cover for me?'
'Like who? Everyones got food poisoning from that dodgy turnip shipment. We only didn't eat them because you insisted on staying behind to watch the result of the talent show!'
'Oh yeah.' Vince smiled, and said to Tara, 'the lion won with Adam Ant.'
'You do the costume?'
'Course.' A thought struck Vince (a rarity, I know). 'What about Joey Moose? He was judging, he wouldn't have eaten them'
'He's still on forced leave remember? After the photocopier and the giraffe?'
'Oh. Aw, c'mon Howard, please?'
Howard's moustache twitched. 'You owe me.'
'Great Howard, thanks, I do owe ya. C'mon.' he added to Tara.
They walked around talking, and looking at the animals. After a while they happened upon Naboo's hut.
'Hey Naboo!'
'Alright? Hi' he added to Tara
'Oh sorry Naboo, this is Tara.' Said Vince, having already explained to him that she was coming.
'Hi' she said, and he nodded back, smiling.
'How long you down here for?'
'Uh, I don't really know. Until I get kicked out I guess!'.
Vince explained that he and Howard shared a flat with Naboo and Bollo. 'Oh. I guess you'll be the one throwing me out then. Feel free to do it literally, I've gotten quite good at rolling.'
Naboo smiled, then turned to Vince. 'D'you hear about the judging in the talent show?'
'What d'you mean? I was there, Mr Davis won with Adam Ant.'
'Exactly. The Meercats should've won with Fleetwood Mac.'
'Aw come on. Mr Davis was great, he was out there, I taught him how to pull shapes, he had to win!'
'You're just saying that because you did the costume.'
'I did loads of the costumes, I was slaving away on that sewing machine, I stayed up late measuring Barry the Newt for Spandex….'
Tara, who had been examining Naboo's merchandise, pointed to the back of the hut. 'Hey Naboo, how much are those bubbles?' she asked.
'Two euros.'
'Right'. She searched her pockets, then turned and looked hopefully up at Vince.
'What? I haven't got any money, I gave my last euros to Howard to get me some rainbow rice.'
'Oh.' She said, looking dejected.
'Ah, go on, have em.' Said Naboo, handing them over.
'Are you sure?' He nodded. 'Oh, cheers Naboo, you're a star!'
They walked away, a stream of bubbles in their wake, and found Howard lookin disheveled and soaked, like a merangue in a teacup.
'Gordon Benett!' exclaimed Tara, upon seeing him.
'Howard Moon, nice to meet you.' He chuckled. 'Howard Moon… that's one of mine…' Vince and Tara grimaced and shook their heads in an identical manner.
Howard cleared his throat as Tara blew bubbles at him. Waving them away, he asked 'Seen everything then?'
'Not quite, we left the reptile house till last, I thought you might like to join us.' Vince grinned mischeviously.
Howard glared at him like Tesco Water glares at Evian, but nevertheless said 'Come on then.'
As they walked, Vine said thoughtfully 'I haven't heard anyone say 'Gordon Bennett' for a long time.'
'Gordon Bennett, I'm bringing Gordon Bennett back, I go around writing it on carrots and leaving them in offices.'
'That's you?'
They reached the reptile house and went in. 'Ah, hello Vince.' Came the exotically-accented reply.
'Alright Mrs Gideon? This is my Sister, Tara.'
'Hello.' She smiled, shaking hands. 'And you are?' she asked Howard.
'Its me Mrs Gideon, Howard. Howard Moon?'
'uhhh…'
'We've worked together for three years? Last week I saved you from that romp of rampaging otters?'
'Oh.. of course…' she said, without a hint of recognition. Tara gave her an odd look, the sauntered off to look at the python.
Once back outside, they walked towards the hut to pick up a few things before setting off to the flat.
'She's a bit of a cow isn't she?'
Vince hasitly attempted to shush her, afraid of what Howard might do if he overheard, but it was too late.
'What?'
'Well, I'm just saying, you've been working with her for how long, three years? You saved her from some… otters? And she doesn't even bother to remember your name? Just seems a bit self-involved to me, that's all.'
'Yeah, well, she's busy and… shut up!' he finished, stalking off ahead.
'Touched a nerve?' Tara asked apologetically.
'A bit. Don't worry about it.' Vince smiled, shepherding her inside. She looked around appreciatively, and upon seeing the Mick shrine in the corner, smirked and saluted in a strange and exaggerated manner. Seeing this, Vince asked 'Still watching Red Dwarf then?'
'Of course.'
'You've got a telly?' asked Howard.
'Nah, I've got a laptop and loads of dvds.' She replied. 'Where am I gonna plug a telly into a van?'
Vince, now holding a Ben Sherman bag and wearing a pirate hat, said 'shall we go then?', and they headed outside towards the car park.
Before you say anything, no, I don't have anything against Howard's moustache. Nor is there anything ridiculous about it. It's actually rather charming.
I hoped you liked that, apologies to any Gideon fans out there (like there are any) who didn't appreciate her representation here. Just thought I'd put my views across. You may also be thinking 'Quavers and cream eggs? urgh!' and yes, it does sound horrible, but as we discovered on an art trip, its actually rather nice in small doses.
I'd just like to thank Wikipedia for the informantion on Be-bop and muc-sheilch, and Bex (Sunrise over the Tango Factory) for suggesting Platypus. Also my gratitdude towards The Cure for Lovecats, which has gotten my through these hard times, and the makers of rainbow rice. Love those e-numbers baby, oh yeah!
Sorry if it's not very funny, I've been trying my best to put some more random similies in there... please review with thoughts and suggestions (and emotional support). Go, my minions, go! xxx
