AN: Part 2 of Double Upload:D
I don't have much to say other than that this chapter is...well
Pretty depressing in comparison to the last chapter, so just a quick heads up...
But even with that, I hope you enjoy reading it:`)
Disclaimer: I do not own A Certain Scientific Railgun/Magical Index or any of its characters...the only things I own are:
1. My characters and
2. my ideas
Chapter 16: Just Let Go for Once
July 17th, 10:45PM
It may have taken a while, but Misaka was finally able to get Asher to regain her senses at some point as they went over to sit on her bed in order to get some stuff sorted out regarding what happened a few days ago.
"I guess it makes a little sense now that I think about it, since I honestly can't remember fully what happened that night. I just remember being pretty out of it and drained from that medicine I was given to calm me down for the rest of the appointment." Asher explained as she sighed before looking over at Misaka who had an unreadable expression on her face.
"But from the look on your face and the text that you sent me, something else must have happened that I have no memory of, right?" She continued, seeing Misaka nod her head slightly.
"Yeah you could say that, but before I go into it, I have…um something that I have to tell you." She replied as the mood seemed to shift towards something serious as Asher nervously looked over at her.
"Alright…I'm ready for whatever it is." Asher sighed as she leaned her back further into the wall behind her.
After sitting in silence for a while, Misaka calmed down her nerves enough to proceed with what she had decided to let her know now rather for her to find out in a different way…
"Shokuhou wanted me to tell you that you lost the bet with her the other day….involving whether or not you would have made it to the dorms without passing out on the way there. Which you ended up doing, unfortunately, because of how exhausted you were from the headscan she did with you that day."
Asher immediately stiffened when she heard that, almost feeling like a rock sunk into the pit of her stomach.
She honestly had completely forgotten about that being a possibility as to why she couldn't remember when she got back to her room.
But even with that, she couldn't figure out how Shokuhou would have been able to get close enough to talk to Misaka about it in the first place.
For one thing, the two espers in question did not get along with each other at all, always butting heads the moment they saw each other with her normally having to play referee and moderator to prevent it from escalating too quickly.
And another thing, how would she have found where they were that night in the first place to even tell this information that she had wanted to keep from the Electromaster until she was ready to tell her?
Misaka could tell that this was probably something that her friend had not wanted to hear, looking over and seeing how much she was trying to keep her composure from witnessing how much her body was starting to shake and how tightly she was gripping the back of neck.
"B-But how?" Asher asked shakily. "She had already left before you even got there. How would she have even found us or even know that I had ended up passing out when I did?"
"From what it sounds like, you were too stressed and drained to still passively keep that gravity field to its full power, meaning it was pretty weak. This allowed her to use her ability on you to basically have it to where when you fell unconscious, control of your mind was turned over to her until she released it when we got back to the dorms." Misaka explained. "During the time in between is when we talked about it."
Realization spread across Asher's face as her nervousness was slowly replaced by both irritation and anger.
"Meaning you know basically everything, right?" Asher asked even though she knew the answer, tightening her hold on her neck even more. "Since, she probably ran her mouth just like she always does, but this time by underhandedly taking control of me when I was at my weakest…..Damn it…Why hadn't I even thought that was a possibility?"
"I know that you're annoyed by it. Believe me, I understand your frustrations since I was about as angry with her as you are now at first. But I think she did it for the right reasons." Misaka responded as Asher raised her head to look over at her in disbelief.
"How is that even possible, Mikoto?" Asher asked defensively. "So, you're partially okay with how she forced herself into my mind to do whatever she wanted with me?"
"You know I'm not okay with what you're trying to say. I will always be against when she does that, but at the same time if she hadn't, you would have not said a single thing about what happened and would have kept it to yourself. And don't even try to deny it." Misaka said sternly as Asher herself recoiled from that and looked away from her.
"Yes, I would have kept it from you. But I would have told you eventually when I was ready." Asher sighed as Misaka felt her irritation raise slightly from hearing that.
"Zierdan, you can't keep doing that to yourself." Misaka said in frustration. "Internalizing everything is just going to end up making everything you're trying to hide even worse."
"I know that. I know I should come to you for these things. But at the same time, I can't just keep dumping all of this baggage on you and you alone. It's unfair for me to keep doing that to you, when you get nothing back in return and I should be able to do it by myself..." Asher responded as she deflated slightly.
"To be honest, if I didn't do that, all of you would just be tiptoeing around me as if I'm made of glass that has already shattered before. No one should know what I'm thinking, especially right now. Everything about me is already damaged irreparably which doesn't surprise me at all, since it has been that way my entire life. The experiment just made it harder for me to hide. What's the point in trying to talk about something like this when the damage has already been done and will never be able to be fixed to any extent?" She continued, ignoring the look she knew Misaka was giving her after saying that.
"Hey! Don't say things like that about yourself!" Misaka said as she nudged her shoulder as Asher kept herself from looking over at her. "You aren't damaged at all. Everyone has their own things that they struggle with. Even I do at times, but that doesn't mean what we're struggling with can't be eased and at some point, stopped."
"Then why is it that I've always felt that way? I feel like I'm constantly struggling with one thing or another, which is something you along with the others can easily pick up on no matter how much I try to not show it. So I'm just at a lost for what to do to keep myself together and to keep you and the others from constantly worrying about my headspace all of the time because of all these stupid feelings and memories now back inside me…And I'm just….I'm j-just…"
She paused for a few moments to recollect herself, feeling her hold over her composure slipping quickly as she bowed her head further down, bringing both of her arms to wrap herself in an embrace as she saw droplets fall down on her sheets.
"I'm just…so sick and tired of it all. Tired of remembering and reliving the hardest parts of my life…that I would have rather just forgotten entirely." Asher resumed shakily as she tried to keep her voice steady. "My head just keeps replaying the events of that damn experiment over and over and o-over again ever since finishing that headscan. Replaying each moment of willfully going through something that practically destroyed me from the inside and out… Sitting here feeling a mix of emotions that I can't describe….and feeling as though if I vocalize anything more than I already have…that I'll lose a hold on the last bit of control I have left in keeping myself together from falling from the weight of it all…."
"I just don't want to end up breaking myself in that manner …To trade out this numbness for something even more painful but also something I probably deserve for allowing those events to happen in the first place."
She stopped talking after that, feeling herself on the brink losing her hold of the floodgates within her eyes and the emotions swirling in her heart.
Feeling that anything could tip her in one direction or the other…
Misaka saw it to, finding herself hesitating in comforting her friend next to her, since she knew that she probably didn't want her to push her away from being able to just sweep her feelings under the rug.
But…
After a few moments, she scooted closer to her and wrapped her arms around her as she brought her into her chest, feeling her trembling in her embrace as she tried to find the energy to stop what she was doing.
"P-Please…l-let go of me, Mikoto…" Asher sniffled hastily with her voice muffled slightly
"I can't do that." Misaka said with determination in her voice, hearing her breathing hitch as she tried to calm herself down but to no avail. "You need to do this. You need to let these feelings that you've been trying to suppress for such a long time out, or you're never going to bring yourself to do it."
"N-No…I-I…c-can't….I don't w-want to do th-this right now."
"I know you don't. I understand that you're afraid that you're losing control, but this is something you can lose to, alright. So stop fighting your feelings from fully rising to the surface and just let go for once Zierdan." Misaka said softly in her ear as she felt her head press further into her shoulder. "You're not going to break due to this, because…"
"I'm right here and will stay right here to help you every step of the way."
After a couple moments of hearing that and trying her best to restrain herself, Asher couldn't hold it back anymore and completely let go….
She started to cry softly at first, stuffing her forehead into Misaka's shoulder in an attempt to hide her face as she felt sob rise up her throat and unable to hold it back.
"Damn it…I h-hate this. All of these feelings…These chaotic moving memories constantly rushing inside of m-my head…I c-cant stand them. " She said tearfully as she shakily brought her arms to return the embrace. "Tch….I ju-just want it to stop. I-I just w-want it all to go way…B-But it hasn't and almost s-seems like it won't…a-and it sucks…W-Why was I-I s-so desperate to go so low as t-to go through that stupid e-experiment? Th-That's all I've b-been thinking a-about and asking my-myself…a-and I never seem t-to find any logical a-answers as to why..."
"Why…I trusted Silas, e-even though I completely d-despised him e-ever since he entered my l-life, s-since he seemed to not c-care about anyone but himself. B-But even w-with that, I constantly allowed him to m-manipulate me by be-believing what he said. Being told over and o-over again how dangerous I w-was, to t-trust no one since they'll n-never trust me, and even that attachments are illogical to develop and have for someone like me. H-He said that among other things with each thing…b-being backed from people constantly a-avoiding me…Just saying th-things right behind my back e-even though they knew I heard th-them…."
"I felt s-so alone during that time and allowed h-his words to grant me some level of r-reasoning and an i-idea as to why people d-did that to me, s-since it never made sense and rationalized why I-I needed to be alone in the f-first place. Some part of m-me thought that was him actually c-caring about me for once, trying to s-spare me from g-getting in over my head, but I should've known that was illogical t-to even try and believe that…."
She broke off into multiple sobbing fits, growing progressively louder and louder as she went along, venting everything she could since she had no energy to stop herself from doing so…
"Tch, he pr-practically took everything from me th-that would give me hope for something o-other than what he told me to b-believe….even turning m-my own mother against me who seemed to b-be the only l-light in my life a-at the time d-during my first few years o-of grade school…I lo-loved her…v-valued every moment I h-had with her e-even when she g-gave me the cold shoulder more and more from b-being around Silas….and th-then she died…she d-died because S-Silas wanted me all to himself…"
"And then those experiments….those stupid a-and s-scarring experiments…T-Turned my p-pain and…m-my suffering i-into something I thought would be w-worth it in the e-end. A-All I wanted was to finally show p-people that I wasn't dangerous. To a-also pr-prove to myself that I w-wasn't dangerous either and c-could be…y-your friend or h-have other friends o-of my own. B-But…I j-just became o-overwhelmed. I-I allowed myself t-to fall under th-the haze o-of what i-it was doing to me and a-and allowed myself to forget w-why I wanted to do it in the f-first place…."
"I was i-in so much pain, w-with o-or without that r-ringing n-noise laying waste in my head. A-And I just took i-it out on those around m-me, thinking it would m-make me feel better, b-but just saw that i-it made m-me hate th-them and myself just m-more and m-more….only for it all t-to get even worse after m-my mother's death where I-I just…didn't c-care about anything except for w-what I thought I was d-desiring to attain…"
"Y-You and ev-even Sh-Shokuhou tried to st-stop me, b-but…I w-was too f-far gone t-to see that wh-what I was doing w-was wrong un-until it w-was too l-late. I t-told h-him to stop…s-so s-so many times, b-but he just ignored me…P-Proved to me ho-how little he actually c-cared about me and I j-just….lost w-whatever will I had to prevent myself from l-losing control…Allowed my mind to be so m-messed up that I had a full-on i-identity crisis, since I didn't even know what or who I was anymore. I b-became the one thing I f-feared becoming my entire life and nearly destroyed the last th-thing that a-actually mattered to m-me….bounded m-me to myself and k-kept me from falling a-apart f-for those 2 years. I-If we h-hadn't been friends d-during that time….I honestly th-think that I w-would have a-allowed my darkness t-to consume m-me much earlier than it had and would have n-never came back…."
"Allowed myself to fall in-into the p-pitch black hole of despair that Silas was ac-actively trying to force me into in order to b-break me down so much f-for his own damn desires of g-gaining a power th-that wasn't his to h-have or m-mess with…completely breaking my mind in the process..."
She cried on and on and on as she basically released 14 year's worth of emotions and feelings that she didn't even know had resided within herself.
Sobs and heartbreaking cries of heartache wracked her immensely as Misaka kept a hold of her the entire time she did, hearing her ramble on and on about her life that she had already known to some extent. It was painful for her to hear and see her like this, sobbing so loudly at times that it made her voice hoarse.
She sat there quietly as she kept herself from losing her own composure in order to be strong for her, who she knew needed to do this no matter how much it hurt her to see it, feeling her shoulder completely soaked as she held onto her for dear life from trying her best to sort out what she had been feeling all of this time.
It has been a long time since I've seen her like this…it's probably the worst one in comparison to when she did it the first time, she thought to herself as her expression fell even farther as time went on, having to calm herself down by releasing a sigh as she rubbed the back of Asher's neck in comforting circles to quell some of her grief.
Sadness and grief are probably two of the hardest things that doesn't come naturally for her, since she doesn't ever want to allow herself to feel anything like this.
And doesn't know when it will end…basically feeling like she's losing hold over herself like before…
As she sat there with most of her attention on what was happening in her arms, she looked over towards the other side of the room at the bathroom door, where she noticed it was cracked open ever so slightly.
She knew that it hadn't been like that when she had got in here, having a general idea of what or more precisely who would have probably done it.
But for now, she left it alone as she continued to comfort her friend whose cries seemed like they were only just beginning….
30 minutes later…
After a while, Misaka heard Asher go silent, feeling her arms go slack at her sides as her head was pressed further into her shoulder.
It was almost as if she had gone to sleep from hearing how deep her breathing was, but she was able to tell that was not the case from seeing how tense her body still seemed to be.
"Zierdan, are you okay?" Misaka asked, hearing a long sigh come from the girl under her after a short while.
"I don't know…." She replied softly. "I don't know how to really…answer that, Mikoto."
"Well let's try this…" Misaka stated. "Did doing this help at all?"
Silence fell between them again for a moment as she tried to contemplate her answer, feeling her head started to haze over slightly from being dragged down towards sleep from being emotionally exhausted.
"Maybe. I feel calmer….and my mind isn't as noisy to the extent it was earlier. Or to be more exact, when I finished that headscan the other day. Right now…I'm just really tired and…having some difficulty processing everything. And also, just…I guess I could say depressed to some extent." Asher replied as she cracked open her eyes, trying best to fight off sleep.
"I guess that's a given, but I think after you sit on it for a while, you'll see how much better you feel from getting all of this off of your chest." Misaka responded, feeling her relax more and more as she rubbed her comfort spot, hearing a tired low moan as her reply as her head dipped even further.
Just before it seemed like she finally allowed sleep to claim her, Asher used the last bit of energy to keep herself awake for a couple moments.
"Mi…koto, what do you….think the others will think of this? About what I did….what I allowed m-myself to do if they f-find out…o-or when they find out…" Asher mumbled, feeling Misaka stiffen up slightly. "D-Do you think they'll still trust me?….Still talk to me…as casually as they do?"
"Others?" Misaka said in confusion before her face fell in realization. "Wait, you're talking about…"
"Kuroko…Uiharu a-and…Saten…they're nice." Asher continued sluggishly. "So nice to me, even though we haven't known each other…that…long. I like having them…around, since I've grown comfortable being around them….But I'm just afraid that…something like this would ruin that instantly. And I…don't….wa…nt…t…hat…t-to…hap…pe…n."
Before Misaka could reply to that, she felt Asher's body completely relax, looking over and seeing her eyes closed and her breathing very steady and deep.
Misaka sighed at that as she leaned her back against the wall behind her as she laid her head into her lap.
"Always trying to get the last word in." She said aloud as she turned the volume down on the Amps in her ears. "How am I supposed to respond to that, if you finally decide to stop fighting sleep seconds after?"
When she knew she was fully asleep, she raised her head to look over at the bathroom on the other side of the room.
"I know that you're in there, Kuroko." She said aloud, hearing a small yelp of surprise behind the door. "You come out now. She has gone to sleep."
Hesitating after a couple of moments, Shirai came out into the room with a nervous smile on her face as sweat was coming down her brow.
"Oh, Hi Sissy! I guess I miscalculated where I was teleporting to." Shirai stated, hearing Misaka laugh slightly under her breath.
"It's fine Kuroko. You've probably been here the entire time I came in here, right?" Misaka asked, seeing her do a small nod after a couple moments of asking.
"Is she…." Shirai trailed off, seeing the smile fall from Misaka's face as she looked down at the sleeping girl below her.
"I wouldn't say she's okay, but…she's trying to get there." She responded before looking up at Shirai who had a crestfallen expression on her face. "She….hasn't had the best past and due to that, she has been struggling with coping with some of things she experienced during that time for a while now by internalizing everything to keep her problems to herself. Which is probably something you overheard when she was venting her frustrations and…grief after she couldn't hide it anymore."
"Why did she decide to do that and not come to us about it?" Shirai asked with annoyance in her voice. "Does she not trust us enough to?"
"I know it may be upsetting to hear that, but you know that definitely isn't the case. I think you know quite well in fact that if Zierdan doesn't trust or like someone, she will go out of her way to not interact with them." Misaka stated, seeing something flash in Shirai's eyes as she looked away. "You two may have your differences which tends to lead to you two arguing, but I know for a fact that she trusts you along with Saten and Uiharu."
"Then why does she keep stuff to herself when she's among friends to the point it sends her into the state that she has been in these last couple of days?" Shirai asked.
"Because she doesn't like having people constantly worry over her problems and fears that if she does it too much, it will end up pushing people away." Misaka explained. "She's not afraid of a lot of things and tends to like having time to be by herself sometimes, but one of her worst fears is to find herself completely abandoned and alone one day. So she tries her best to prevent that from happening by keeping stuff that's bothering her under lock and key, sadly."
Shirai took a moment to digest that as Misaka moved Asher gently off of her lap and onto the pillow on her bed, seeing her stir slightly before settling back into sleep.
"Well, I know you probably have more questions, but it's getting late and I'm starting to get pretty worn out." Misaka stated before she yawned and stretched out her arms, getting off of the bed and walking over to Shirai. "We can continue this conversation tomorrow if you want. Or you could ask Zierdan herself, though it may be slightly more difficult to get any information out of her. But she may be open to it if she knows you were here tonight."
"Alright, but there is one question I have if you're okay with just answering that for now." Shirai stated as Misaka landed a hand on her shoulder, nodding her head for her to continue. "Is this all connected to the incident that happened during your and Zierdan's 1st year at Tokiwadai?"
Silence fell between them as an unreadable emotion came across Misaka's face before the corners of her lips turned upwards into a small smile.
She knew that she had probably have either heard or saw information related to the incident in question, appreciating the fact that she hadn't tried pressing her or Asher on the matter.
"Yeah it does. But that's probably the farthest I'll go into that. I don't feel right to go too much into it without Zierdan talking about it along with me, since it is a personal matter for the both of us but with her more so." She explained. "When she's ready, I promise we'll go into more detail, but that's all I'll answer about it for now."
"Okay thanks for answering that for me at least." Shirai replied as Misaka sent her a hum as a response.
They both disappeared back into their room to finally go to sleep for the night as they both kept Asher in the back of their minds each passing moment.
Hoping that she'll be a little better when she woke up sometime tomorrow morning…
Word Count of Chapter: 4185 |Page Count: 7 pages |Reviews: 44 | Followers: 40 |Favorites: 33
I hope you enjoyed the double update:`)
