Disclaimer: I don't own the TMNT or Alien

A/N: I honestly didn't think that this would turn out to be this funny, when I write I kinda write blindly, typing faster than I think most times! All the reviews I've gotten from the last chapter spell out funny, so I'm glad that you're enjoying it. I'll incorporate it with the beginning of this chapter. Just remember me when it comes time to review!

warning: parts of the anatomy are discussed in this chapter so don't alert me for nothin! I forewarned you! Mwahahahahaha!

Sister of the night: glad that I'm doing the whole Raph POV correctly RAPHAELFAN02: Man! Didn't mean to make you late to class dude! What job do you do? Sounds interesting. SilentWater13: Ouch! Shield the hate! Glad to see your loving Raph, though! Reijiro: Thanx for the understanding.And glad to see you know what night shift is like, too! Jessiy Landroz: Happy to see that the seahorses made sense. Can't tell you how Raph is 'Expecting,' though! That'll come later! Liz Sakura: I actually wasn't aware it was funny when I wrote it, but when I reread it I found it to be true! Artykidd: I'm sure that Raph more than appreciates your sympathy in this ordeal. Pretender Fanatic: it's alright if people think your nuts. Glad I could make you laugh. I'm pro life too, and I'd like to think the turtles are, but in this situation I don't think that would cross Raph's mind for a milisecond. Tewi: Yeah, desperation could be a word to describe it.

Chapter 5

What the F#ck!

Will you stop you're friggin laugin' already! That happened to be painful! It hurt like f#cking hell! (you attempt to quell your laughter, but don't do a very good job at it. Raph growls) Your laughin.'You must not want to hear any more!(you do your best to assume a solemn, serious expression. He calms down a bit) Well, I suppose that I could. I haven't told anyone about it, and I still need to get it off my chest. Just don't laugh at me anymore! (you give him 'scouts honor' and cross your fingers behind your back. He's satisfied) Well, that's more like it. Lemme see...oh after I was led out, they were asking me a whole bunch of questions. But of course I couldn't answer them! After all, what would I say? Psycho alien lady raped, impregnated me, could dissappear and talk in my head? Don't think so! So, I just ignored them and ate my food...

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The macaroni and cheese slid down my throat. I scraped the bowl with my spoon to get the last few pieces. This was my third box. It was in the pile of other stuff that I had finished off since they pulled me out of Don's lab. I knew that technically, if I was all for getting rid of the parasite in me that I shouldn't be feeding it like this; but I've never been real' strong about resisting food when I'm hungry.

My bros were sitting in the other chairs around the table. They were silent now. I guess that after asking me questions for 20 minutes straight can take it out of a guy. What surprised me was that I was able to completely ignore them without getting angry at their constant bickering. Yeah, it got aggrivating a few times and I had to warn 'em off with a growl, but that was about it. I had just been sitting here mostly, inhaling food. I think that because I didn't snap at them, maybe that's why they were being so edgy. Geesh, you spend years complaining about a guy's temper, then when he cools down for a bit you use it as a weapon of proof to why you're 'not right'.

Leo was slouched across the table from me, his face in his hands. I smiled a bit. He must be tired. I don't remember the last time he put so much energy in an argument. I almost think that he was trying to get a fight with me. Poor guy. hehehe

Don was staring at me, probably studying me for some signs of possible mental cases. Heh. He thinks I'm a mental case. Hell, maybe after all this, I am. Who knows?

Mikey looked just plain depressed. If I felt sorry for any of them, he would be it. Don't mean to make him feel bad.

Resisting Sensei was the worst. Especially since he hardly said anything. Don't know if that makes much sense, but it was like what he didn't say had more weight than what he did say. He just sat there and looked at me for the most part. Kinda like askin' me with his eyes. I think that he understood that I wasn't going to say anything, that he just wanted me to know that he'd be there for me. I always knew that he was, I guess that I just never really figured on what it meant. It touched me more than I cared to admit. Not like I am or anything...

"Look! Can't you say anything!" Leo slammed his hands down suddenly and glared at me. Wow, I don't think I've gotten under his skin this bad before. I found his expression hilarious. Would've laughed but I had a moughful of mac-n-cheese, you understand.

His eyes seemed to go a bit darker at my amused grin. Don reached over and put a hand on his shoulder without moving his eyes. He didn't say a word, but I guess that Leo got his meaning. That I needed to be treated like friggin glass because I was a complete basket case. A complete wacko. Friggin fraggin fruggin f#ckin'...

That thought was really starting to get on my last friggin nerve. Them thinking that I'm a nut job. growl I know how that the, eh, er, situations make it look kind of, well, implicating, but still... I was gettin' pissed. And there was no WAY they were puttin' me in that friggin 'padded room' again. They'd have a real fight on their hands if they even laid a finger on me!

But the real problem...what to do about that I have no clue. I wasn't exactly inclined to try any more drastic moves in the near future unless I had a stunt-man to do them ahead of time. hehehe...Mikey. My head, chin, and stomach still hurt like the friggin blazes. I had to use a band-aid for my chin, cause it was bleeding. It just wouldn't stop for anything. I never use band-aids. Never needed them. Stupid friggin b1tch.

So the thing was still inside me. I obviously didn't get it out. The only other way that I know of is abortion. But don't you need a vagina for that? Or some type of passage...

A thought hit me so hard my aching, full stomach suddenly shrank and I felt a twinge of nausea. Vagina...that's where babies come out of. I don't have one of those (Yes! Testosterone Rules!) But if I don't have one of those, where's the kid going to pop out at? What did it say about seahorses? It came out of the pouch opening. BUT I HAVE NO OPENING! So the babe will come out of...

oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit

I suddenly had a very clear vision of a kid being farted out my ass. Oh man. Proctologist anyone? Or maybe, out the other one...

My tail instinctively flattened against my body and I realized that I'd either take a piss or die.

I jumped up from the table without warning and ran hell-bent for the bathroom. My brothers shouted their surprise and got over their shock as they immediately gave pursuit. Yeesh, what did they think I was doing, arranging a date with the urine fairy!

Luckily I got a head start and swung into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I thumbed the lock without thinking about it and swung to the toilet. My brothers crowded against the door and started shouting whatever. For some reason I'm finding it so much easier to ignore them. Their shouting quieted down when they heard the steady stream hit the water. Well c'mon, guys! Why else would I run into the bathroom for!

I ruthlessly shoved my previous thoughts out of my head. They were much too gruesome. I guess thinking about that kind of stuff kinda stimulates the bladder. hehehe But man! How do women do it! I suddenly had a great deal of respect for all the moms out there. (shudder)

Well, maybe it'll just bust out of my stomach and kill me, like the babies on the movie Alien, do. I guess that wouldn't be so bad. Better than the previous.

(shudder)

Man! I need to stop thinking about these things! That's my problem! I'm thinking too much! I'll stick to my usual: act, and react. That's always worked for me before.

But I never experienced a situation like this before.

I think I'm going to have to think for this one. Then when I'm done thinking what I'm thinking, that'll be the end of thinking on that subject. I think thinking of that might work. Yeesh.

I finished my business and flushed the toilet. My mind was whirring now that all upsetting images were gone from my head. I had to go topside. When that dame found me; what was it; two nights ago? Well, she found me in one alleyway, and I woke up in one a couple of miles away. Maybe there's a reason she moved me? Don't know. But it's the only thing I could think of. How hard could it be?

I opened the door to find the faces of all three of my brothers squished in the doorway waiting for me.

Guess that answers my question.

Alright. Time to charm them. (Do you posses such a thing?) Ah, shut up!

"What the shell do you think y'all are doin' here! Can't a turtle get a little privacy! Yeesh, what's been going on with you guys?"

They looked stunned. Oops. Maybe that wasn't the right way to go.

"Raph, what do you mean? Don't you remember? You've been harming yourself and cutting us all off from you. You won't even answer any of our questions!" Don eyed me suspiciously.

Ok, Raphy boy. Maybe playin' it dumb is a good thing. "What are you talking about? Why the shell would I hurt myself? And can you get the shell away from me! A turtle needs a little breathing room!"

They backed up and gave me a little space. Good. It was gettin' to where I couldn't breath in there. I glared at them. They can be such nitwits sometimes. "What' are y'all staring at me like that for? Scat!"

They all looked at me, surprised by my outburst. Man, sometimes they piss me off.

"Raph! You're back!" Mike squealed and jumped me into a huge bear hug.

"Ack! Get off me! What d'you think you're doin'! Hey!" I jumped around, making half-hearted attempts to dislodge the giggling turtle. A guy's gotta keep up his image, you know. Well, then again, that's probably blown to all hell by now.

"Don't think you're going to play dumb with me, Raphael! You've got a lot of answering to do!" Leo charged forth, shaking a finger at me. He was just ecstatic with energy. Heh. The guy's probably been waiting to catch me when I'm 'sane' to jump on me. Aggravating 'fearless leader' type attitude. Puh.

Don put ahand on his shoulder. "Calm down, Leo! Raph, how are you feeling? Do you feel OK? Does your head hurt at all? What exactly do you remember from the past two days?"

I was getting that claustrophobia feeling again. All this friggin crowding. I felt like doing a roundhouse kick to clear'em away.

"Michelangelo! Get off your brother. Leonardo! Donatello! Leave your brother alone!" Immediately the room went silent and I saw Master Splinter, newly emerged from his room looking at us. "Raphael, come. I wish to speak with you."

They parted in complete silence and I slowly walked toward Master Splinter's room. He walked inside to meet me. My bros watched me go like I was going to the electric chair or somethin'. Sure does make a guy feel good inside.

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I sat across from Sensei and for a moment we just stared at each other. Then he sighed. "Raphael, you have been acting very odd as of late. I cannot help but feel that something is troubling you. But unfortunately I cannot help you unless you tell me. You're brothers and I are worried for you."

I heard his silent request loud and clear. But could I tell him? Geesh, it was like a pregnant teen telling her parents about being pregnant. Holy crap, can't believe I just compared myself that way! Hell maybe I am losing it.

"Uh, Sensei, I..."

"It is alright, my son. Do not speak until you feel ready to do so."

Aw crap. Why does he always have to be so understanding! This makes things difficult. I still had to find an excuse to go topside. But what could I say? I can't say what it really is. Not only would my reputation be shot to Hell, but who says that they'll even believe me? I mean we've been through some crazy stuff but this? It was aggravating.

"I'm just going through some serious shi- uh" I stole a glance at him. He didn't seem fazed by my near slip so I went on. "some serious stuff. It's just botherin' me a lot. I'm not crazy or nothing."

"No, my son. I don't think you are. I knew that already. Thoughif you are in some sort of trouble, do you wish to speak of it? It might help."

I shook my head. "I don't think so, Sensei. I honestly don't even think any of you'd believe me."

He cocked his head at me. "Perhaps. Perhaps not. But you will never know until you try."

Well, he had a point. But did I really want to tell him? I looked at him and surprised myself with my thoughts. Yes. I did. This crap was bugging the Hell out of me, more than I cared to admit. Maybe I should.

"Sensei..."

He just looked at me patiently. Not requesting anything. Willing to accept anything. Geesh, he had fatherly love pouring out of his ears.

"Well, I..."

My mind did a double take. Was that what I thought it was?

There was Michelangelo's cat, Klunk. But what was wierd about it was that Klunk was walking on the wall behind Splinter. She walked to one corner in the wall, then turned around and walked to the other. She gave no indication that she knew that she was defying gravity with her pleasant stroll. For some reason I just couldn't believe it.

Apparently my mouth was hanging open. And I guess that my eyes would've appeared kinda unfocused. I also suppose that I looked a bit disjointed. So it's safe to assume that I may have seemed a bit odd to Master Splinter at that moment.

"Raphael? Are you OK?"

My eyes flicked to him, then back to Klunk on her moonwalk before I snapped out of it. My mouth worked but I couldn't make a sound at first. My arm jerked, jabbing a finger in Klunk's direction. Finally my voice found my throat again. "T-there! Sensei, there! It's there!"

He looked puzzled, looked at me quizzically, then preceded to turn around.

For a desperate moment I was afraid that the freaky Klunk was going to spring away at the last second, preventing Master Splinter from seeing it. I was so sure that that would happen and that my credit would once again be disproved. But fortunately that didn't happen. Or so I thought at least.

Splinter completed his turn and stared directly at Klunk. Then his head turned to the left, then to the right, then he turned back to me. His expression was confused and edged with a tinge of worry. "Raphael? What are you speaking of? I see nothing out of the ordinary."

I couldn't believe it. It was like my world crashed down around me. (I know, dramatics aren't really my style but I couldn't help it) He couldn't see it? Was I the only one who could!

Klunk finished her walk, then sat down a little bit above Sensei. Then her head snapped, rotated around on it's axis, then turned to look directly at me. Her lips widened into asmile that no feline could possibly accomplish. And her blue eyes glinted. Did Klunk have blue eyes?

Splinter was still looking at me oddly when Klunk suddenly launched herself in my direction.

"WHAT THE F#CK!"

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A/N: Hope that you enjoyed this particular chapter. As you can see I'm using symbols to try and censor my (or Raph's) profane language. With luck it will prevent me from getting in trouble with 'the people' for it. I'm trying, but it's kinda hard to keep them out when you're writing in Raph's POV. And to think that I wrote the last half of this with a baby in my lap! The nurses didn't mind, though! We always have too many babies as it is so at night we give moms a break. Sometimes nightshift is cool

. I'm always afraid of wierding people out too much so tell me if I am. Pick you're hearts delight out of this story, for some reason I think that maybe I could do better. Well,... signing off! Toodles!