Author's Note Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E.
This story takes place during and after "A Washington Affair" and picks up exactly where "The Letter – Part 2: Resolutions" finished.
Warning: Towards the end of the story there is a slightly explicit love scene between two un-married, yet consenting adults who are very much in love. If this bothers you then I would advise you not to read it.
The Letter
Part 3 – The Reaffirmation
By Rachel
The travelling to this point had been arduous to say the least and all were beginning to feel a distinct lack of energy as they approached their final destination, the Grand Canyon.
Sully's heart was still heavy as his thoughts turned to the arrest, court martial, death sentence and escape. He knew that there was no running away now, Cloud Dancing had brought them here for a reason and that reason was for him to face up to his past and what that had nearly cost in his future, Michaela.
Michaela on the other hand was beginning to feel a little more like her fiery self. She had talked to Sully at length about the letter and the plan that Parker had come up with, the fact that she wanted the children to be safe but more than that she wanted him to be safe. Michaela knew that there was still a long way to go as they had to face the actual events that had resulted in them being here, but she now felt able to face that with a new determination that had been almost absent since Sully's release.
Cloud Dancing motioned for them to halt as they approached the entrance to their retreat. Turning to see the reactions on their faces, Cloud Dancing wasn't disappointed.
Michaela couldn't think of the words to describe what she was looking at and Sully had never seen anything like it in his life.
What stood before them was the most awe-inspiring sight that either had seen. The sheer size of the cliffs alone was something that Sully thought he would only witness from heaven, the colours really were far beyond the normal spectrum.
Needing to verbalise what she was feeling, Michaela said, "Oh Cloud Dancing this is the most magnificent, amazingly glorious sight that I have ever had the privilege of seeing. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I will always treasure this."
Cloud Dancing turned to take her hand and could see tears cascading down her cheeks, but these weren't tears of pain or heartbreak they were the first tears of joy he had seen from her in a long time and he felt truly blessed that he had been able to show her that not everything in life was bleak.
Sully, although still stunned by what he saw also thanked his brother by saying, "Cloud Dancing thank you for trusting us enough to share your vision quest sight it really is breath taking and I will always remember it."
Touched by Sully's words, Cloud Dancing reached out in the familiar gesture of friendship that these two shared and said "My brother, my friend it is I who is honoured that I can now share this sacred place with two of my most special friends. Come we must continue for the sun will be setting soon and we must make camp."
Taking his lead Sully and Michaela followed respectfully still a little blown away at where Cloud Dancing had brought them.
All the while Sully was deep in thought, he realised that not only was this a place of healing, but for Cloud Dancing, it was a place of rejuvenation, almost like Sully's mountain back home. It occurred to Sully that he now had to keep the honour and respect that this place held for his brother, and in doing that he had to be true to himself.
Throughout their journey into the Grand Canyon, Michaela just couldn't concentrate on where her horse was going. She was just so dumbstruck at what she was seeing that it was still beyond both mental and emotional comprehension. She wondered what their time here would hold.
When they reached the desired campsite, Cloud Dancing held up his hand in a signal to stop and dismount. Doing as they were bid, Michaela and Sully got off loosely tied their mounts and went about their usual tasks to make the campsite cosy and habitable for their duration.
Sully and Cloud Dancing went about getting some food for their first dinner, while Michaela set up an area for the fire and bedrolls. As she worked, her thoughts turned to the many times that she and Sully had slept under the stars. There was the time when Brian ran away and they had to share a tepee in the rain. Chuckling to herself at the whole situation and their reactions, it amazed her how far they had come in a little over two years.
Then there was the cattle drive and all of the adventures that it had contained. First there was the rogue cowhand Jesse, then there was the birthing, next was of course the prairie fire. However, all of those memories faded into the ether when she thought about that kiss. Oh how wonderful that had been and if it hadn't been for Matthew's rather untimely interruption, she didn't even want to think where they may have ended up.
There was no doubt that she had certainly come a long way and she suspected that if her mother could see her now or even hear her thoughts then she would have a heart attack. After all proper Boston bred ladies do not sleep on the ground under the elements let alone enjoy the experience. And yes, she certainly enjoyed the sight of the stars on a cloudless night, but she knew that she wouldn't be looking at the stars tonight. No, tonight she would be contemplating how she and Sully were going to get over all of this.
Seeing that all of her tasks were complete gave her a sense of pride as she awaited the return of the hunters. Not having to wait long, Michaela saw Sully carrying a pole full of fish while Cloud Dancing had managed to get some form of game which would do for tomorrow's meal.
Pleased at what he saw when he approached the campsite, Sully took one of Michaela's hands and gave it a gentle squeeze and said "You are almost as good as me at setting this up now."
Appreciating the rare complement, Michaela smiled and said "Thank you but I still can't fish or trap game."
"You'll get there eventually, now how about we get this fish going before it gets too late, huh?"
"Good idea." Replied Cloud Dancing who had been witnessing this gentle jibing between his friends. He was mildly relieved that some of the ever present tension had gone at least for the moment, doubting it would last he decided to enjoy it while it was there.
Taking the fish from Sully he said, "You put some coffee on and settle and I will prepare dinner." And before they could argue he had gone leaving Michaela and Sully alone.
Not quite sure what the conversation should be, but acknowledging that they should be talking, Michaela started by saying "Did you know that we were coming here?"
"Nah I just trusted Cloud Dancing like ya did, but I'm pleased that he brought us here. It shows how much he respects us that he wants to share his special place with us."
Nodding in recognition of this fact Michaela replied, "Yes it does and I will not forget this…." With her voice faltering at the end she was forced to look down.
"What is it? You can tell me anything, you know that."
Turning away as she spoke, almost out of embarrassment, Michaela continued in a voice so soft that Sully had to strain to hear, "I used to think so but I'm not sure any more."
Glancing across at Sully and making eye contact for the first time in so long, Michaela realised that Sully was waiting for her to finish. It was clear from her hesitancy and body language that she was having problems doing so which caused Sully to wonder what it was that she had to say to him. Deciding the best tack was just to sit quietly and wait until she was ready to continue, Sully turned his gaze skywards and he then heard it again so soft that he had to strain to hear. It was the question he had been dreading, "Do you think this place will help us Sully. Do you want it to help?"
Pausing slightly before answering, Sully chose his words with care, "I don't know Michaela and that's the truth….I guess a lot of that depends on us and if we allow the peace to help."
Turning to take Michaela's hands in his so he could say the last looking directly in her eyes he continued, "As for if I want it to work that is tougher to answer. I guess only time will tell, but I don't know enough to give you a proper answer."
Michaela appreciated the honesty that Sully had spoken, but she couldn't reply. Instead, she got up and walked away. Walking away from the fire, the warmth, the security and the reassurance that was emanating from it. Walking away from Sully at the same time, she needed to be alone to think and to work out her own answer to the question.
Initially Sully was confused by her actions and reached out to stop her, but looking at her now, Sully could tell that she was having problems finding her own answer. Accepting that she needed time to think, he left her but kept an eye on her just to be sure.
Cloud Dancing had been watching this scene playing out before him while he cleaned the fish for supper. He was pleased that they were at least talking, although what about he wasn't sure. However, what he was witnessing now was not so good, but he thought to himself that it was actually fairly accurate for the state of play in their actual relationship. His brother was on his own by the fire looking at the stars and surreptitiously checking that his heartsong was safe. Meanwhile, Michaela was sitting in the dark and cold, crying he suspected, alone trying to work through her turmoil.
Beginning to despair of his brother, Cloud Dancing thought aloud, "When are these two going to realise that they can't solve things apart. They are soul mates, part of the same being. They need and want to be together but are constantly fighting it like now." Cloud Dancing really hoped that once he left them the power of this place and their own love would heal all the troubles.
Walking the short distance back to the fire, he uttered a prayer to the spirits asking for their wisdom and guidance over the next few days.
Needing to check on Michaela, Sully walked softly, so as not to frighten her, and carefully approached her. But when he knelt down to look at her face, he was surprised to see that although she had been crying, she was asleep and freezing cold.
Gently lifting her into his arms like he had done on countless other occasions, he took her to the fire and laid her down on one of the bedrolls. She didn't stir at all and both Sully and Cloud Dancing knew that she was exhausted, so they decided to let her sleep through the night.
Cloud Dancing put the fish on and sat playing his flute while Sully began to whittle at a piece of wood while they waited for the supper to be ready.
Both were deep in thoughts and were contemplating their own paths over the next few days. For Sully it was going to be a time of facing up to what he had done and what he was going to do.
For Cloud Dancing, it was a time of growth and reflection as he allowed his brother the freedom that he needed to heal.
As they heard the spluttering sounds from the fish that signalled that it was ready. Sully also felt something stir. Glancing to his left, he realised it was Michaela. She was awake.
Still confused from the sleep world Michaela groggily said, "Sully?"
Smiling at the beautiful sound of her voice, even when it was heavily coated by sleep, Sully responded by saying, "I'm here, ya fell asleep bout an hour ago. We're just bout ta eat, ya want some?"
Realising how hungry she was, Michaela nodded and said, "Hmm that would be nice thank you." With that said they all tucked into fish and hot steaming coffee while being continually amazed at this majestic canyon.
After all the clearing up had been done, Cloud Dancing suggested that they all turn in as it had been a long and tiring ride, and he for one was exhausted. With consensual nods from all concerned, Sully doused the fire and took his place next to Michaela's bedroll laying back to take a better look at the starlit canopy above them.
It truly was a remarkable sight and he didn't really want to close his eyes for fear that he should wake up and discover that it was all a dream. Oh how he wished that this entire affair had been a dream, but in reality it had been more like a nightmare that no one seemed to be waking up from.
Glancing across at Michaela who was sleeping soundly next to him, he was reminded why he had come to Washington in the first place. It was because of his love for her that he had joined in the challenge of attempting to change the names of the Indian Agents and therefore the plight of the Cheyenne Nation.
Acknowledging that this had been successful was small praise when it came to the rest of their trip. What should have then been a pleasurable experience taking in the sights of the nation's capitol, had resulted in a far from pleasurable time. In fact he couldn't remember a more horrible time. He had witnessed the heart-rending screams for Michaela as he was dragged away from her and their children. He had been forced to endure humiliation at the hands of the prison guards and then the sight of the tears streaming down Michaela's cheeks as she declared her love for him when they led her away.
He shook himself willing the memory to disappear. However, accepting that it probably wouldn't, he turned over, closed his eyes and let sleep claim him as it had his brother.
A strange moaning had awoken Sully. He had the feeling that he had only been asleep for a matter of hours and at first couldn't pinpoint where it was coming from. Cloud Dancing had also heard it and reacted by drawing his knife. Raising cautiously and scanning the camp for intruders and finding none, he went back to his bedroll and shrugged towards an annoyed Sully. It was only then that both realised that the moaning had not stopped but had actually intensified. Sully was the first to locate the source of the noise…Michaela. She was tossing and turning having what they presumed to be a horrific nightmare. Not wanting to startle her, Sully knelt down carefully and gently stroked her arm continually calling to her softly and reassuringly.
Gradually calming down, Michaela finally opened her eyes and immediately reached for Sully's loving embrace, she was shaking uncontrollably and crying hysterically.
With Sully rubbing her back as you would a child and softly cooing in her ear, Michaela gradually began to relax, taking a breath she said "I'm sorry. Did I wake you?"
"Yep, but I didn't mind. Do ya wanna talk about it?"
"I don't know where to begin, it was horrible." Kissing the top of her head, Sully continued to rub her back comfortingly and said, "Just take ya time we've got all night."
"There really was only one thing…you were dead," Having spoken what she had dreamed and re-lived for so long, Michaela clung on to Sully for all she was worth, really not believing that he was here, with her, alive and well.
Knowing that Michaela needed some kind of response other than physical comfort, Sully really didn't know what to say, but he had to say something. Glancing across at his mentor for some kind of message and receiving a nod, as Cloud Dancing looked away to provide them some privacy, Sully said "Michaela look at me."
Waiting until she looked up before continuing, Sully used the time to think of a suitable reply.
When Michaela's grip on Sully's shirt slackened slightly, and as she slowly looked up into his amazingly clear blue eyes. Seeing that he finally had her attention, Sully continued gently in a voice so soft that it was for her ears only, "What you dreamt is understandable so don't worry."
Embarrassed at her behaviour but reassured once again by Sully's words, Michaela replied, "I'm sorry it's just that I felt so foolish having to be comforted like a child."
Knowing that it was normally impossible for Michaela to ask for help in any circumstance, Sully wasn't surprised at her reaction, with a smile he said, "Hey that's what I'm here for remember. Now this is goin' to sound weird to ya, but sometimes the Spirits talk to us through our dreams."
"I've heard you say that before Sully. What do we need to do…what do I need to do?"
"Tomorrow Cloud Dancing will be leaving us, but before he goes he'll help me set up a sweat lodge for ya."
Instantly feeling unsure, Michaela asked Sully, "You'll be there won't you?"
"I'll be just outside like you were for me when I was ill. You remember?"
Nodding in recognition of the beautiful memory, Michaela replied, "How could I forget you asked me to marry you and now look at us."
"I know Michaela, but we'll get through this one way or another, but we have to start somewhere and these dreams are the best place to start that I know of. Will ya trust me?"
Seeing a nod as a reply Sully continued, "Ok so we'll start tomorrow then." With another nod Sully kissed her hand and said, "Good, now do ya think ya can go back to sleep?"
"Yes I think so and thank you Sully."
With the last words now spoken, Sully kissed the top of her head and bid her a fond goodnight leaving to talk to Cloud Dancing.
"Is she alright?" Was Cloud Dancing's first statement having observed the loving exchange that had taken place.
"Yes. Or at least she will be I think…that is if I have anything to do about it."
Perplexed by his brother's statement, Cloud Dancing said "That does not sound good. What do you mean?"
"Oh, I don't know Cloud Dancing. I guess with everything that's gone on, I wonder if she would be better off without me. I guess it's just the tiredness talkin'. Don't pay no attention to me, I'll be ok."
With that Sully walked away and back to his bed roll in the attempt to get some more sleep. However, for Cloud Dancing, the signs of despair were all too evident. He was deeply saddened that Sully truly felt that he would be better off alone.
Cloud Dancing looked from Sully to Michaela and then back to Sully and felt a strong sense of Déjà vu. It amazed Cloud Dancing that Sully still hadn't learnt his lesson from before. He was so unbelievably lonely when Abigail had died that there were times when Cloud Dancing didn't know if Sully would survive, but he had. Now he was prepared to put all of that in jeopardy by running away again.
As the first signs of morning arrived, Cloud Dancing knew that it was make or break, but he also knew that both Michaela and Sully had to be left alone to sort this out together. He vowed that he would be within reach should he be needed, but for now they had to prepare Michaela's sweat lodge ceremony. So approaching the still sleeping Sully, Cloud Dancing coughed to make his presence known and said, "Morning my brother. We need to prepare for your heartsong's healing ceremony."
"Mornin' Cloud Dancing, I will explain to Michaela about the preparation."
"Good then I will call on the Spirits. Come and find me when you are ready to begin."
With that he left Sully and went to his vision quest ground to converse with the Spirits and ask their blessing on the ceremony.
Sully watched his brother go with trepidation, anticipation and excitement all rolled into one. He had seen these rituals so many times before; he had taken part in them on countless occasions. Of course the one that leapt into his mind was the most romantic by far, when he proposed to Michaela after fearing, through a vision, that she may vanish from his life forever. That vision scared him to the core at the time, but he had never told Michaela about it. Maybe he would one day.
Forcing his mind back to the present, he had a lot to do before the ceremony could begin at sunset tonight. The first thing he had to do was construct the sweat lodge. Knowing that this wouldn't actually take that long as he had built them so many times before, he allowed himself to have some jerky and coffee before beginning
With the basic construction complete, Sully surveyed his handiwork and smiled softly to himself. Thinking of the next thing he had to do which was waking Michaela, Sully made his way back towards the campsite. Approaching her quietly he said, "Michaela, it's time to wake up." With no response Sully leaned a little closer and gently stroked her cheek and tried again "Come on Michaela it's time that you were up."
"Oh Please let me sleep." Was the first response from a decidedly groggy Michaela as she tried to focus.
"Sorry, but you've got to get up."
"Why?"
Chuckling to himself at the image playing out before him of an almost child like attitude to being woken up, Sully thought better of voicing that, instead he reminded her of what was going to happen, "Cause we've got to get you ready for the sweat lodge at sunset."
Being suddenly reminded of what was to come caught Michaela off guard slightly. Trying to think of a way out of it, Michaela tried to sound convincing when she replied, "Oh, but I feel fine now, do I have to do it?"
Recognising the oh so typical response Sully said, "I know that ya nervous, but that's why I'm here now, ta help ya through it. Okay?"
Knowing that she didn't have to face this all alone, made Michaela feel a little more reassured. So nodding her head slowly, she replied, "Very well. When do we start?"
Stroking her hair, Sully said, "That's my girl. Okay, I'm goin' to need ya ta trust me. Can ya do that after everything?"
Although she wasn't completely sure, Michaela agreed, "Yes, I'll trust you."
Relieved, Sully replied, "Good, now the important thing to remember is not to panic cause that will speed your breathing up and make it harder to breathe."
"Alright. What do I have to do?"
Pleased that she was so eager to learn and understand, Sully was only too pleased to explain what would happen. "It will start at sunset, okay. You can't eat anything before the ceremony begins. Then Cloud Dancing will send a prayer to the Spirits and he'll stay with you until the sweat is under way. Then you'll be left alone to listen to the spirits."
Having never seen one of these ceremonies before from the inside, Michaela was unsure of the proper attire that should be worn. Deciding that the only way to find out if her gut instinct was right, she asked Sully, "Do I need to undress?"
Not really surprised at Michaela's sense of propriety and modesty, Sully chuckled softly and said while he stroked her hand, "Yep, we'll find you a towel or a blanket, but it's better if ya can just loosely cover yourself. Until it starts, you need to stay quiet and think."
Not really wanting to be on her own in this vast wilderness, Michaela sought the reassurance that only Sully could give. Needing to know if he was going to be there, Michaela asked, "Where will you go?"
Before answering, Sully wondered how, after all that had gone on, Michaela could be almost two different people. Here she was unsure, shy, scared and seeking his love and reassurance much like she had been at the hostel in Washington. But then there was the headstrong, outspoken Michaela, which he had certainly seen more of recently, but even this side of her had been quietened down since this affair started. Could this ceremony really hold the answers to what she had endured? He really didn't know, but he felt positive that it would be a step forward and that could only be good, surely.
"Sully?"
"Sorry, I'll be right outside the whole time. Don't worry, I'm not leaving."
Although not totally convinced himself by the last, Sully knew that he had to put his own thoughts and fears aside and help Michaela. There would be time for talking later, but for now they had to prepare for the ceremony. So helping Michaela stand, he walked with her towards the river for a wash.
Cloud Dancing had seen and heard the exchange from his vantage point on the hill over looking the campsite. He was pleased that Sully was able to respectfully tell Michaela about the ceremony and that she was happy to learn and willing to trust. He just hoped that it would help; however there really was no telling what the outcome would be.
When Cloud Dancing arrived back at the campsite, it was to discover that Sully had already erected the basic structure with the help of Michaela.
Giving everything a final check, Cloud Dancing said, "That is good. We will begin when the sun sets. Now you must fast and offer your thoughts to the Spirits for their help."
"Where should I go? Was Michaela's only question.
Cloud Dancing grasped her hand reassuringly and said, "It does not matter, so do not worry. Just be thoughtful and prayerful and you will be fine."
With that, Michaela walked a short distance away from the lodge and found a round boulder to sit on until she was called. Estimating that she probably had the best part of four hours until sunset, her thoughts turned towards the children and her practice as opposed to the impending ceremony and possible revelations.
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As the train carrying the children and Dorothy rumbled into St Louis station, where they would change for the stagecoach to Colorado Springs, everyone was silent, caught up in their own thoughts.
Brian was the first to speak after what seemed to him like an eternity of silence, "What da you think Ma and Sully are doing now?"
Knowing that the question was going to be asked sometime, but still not formulating an answer, Matthew delayed answering so long, that it was Dorothy who put Brian's mind at ease by saying, "I'm sure that they're thinking of you and Colleen and Matthew. As for what they are doing, well.. I am sure that they are relaxing and having a good time."
Not really convinced by her own answer, Dorothy hoped that Brian would accept it, as the trustworthy, slightly naïve little boy that he was. Hearing no more questions coming, Dorothy assumed that Brian was happy and would be content with that for the rest of the journey home. Glancing across at his older siblings, it was very apparent that they weren't so easily bought by the buttering up of the truth. However Dorothy knew that they would keep their very real concerns away from Brian's ears.
As the conductor came down the carriage shouting, "Everyone off end of the line." The children and Dorothy got up and gathered together all their bags and found the nearest exit.
Just as soon as the train stopped, Brian couldn't wait to get off. No one could blame him really; it had already been nearly two days of no-stop travelling. For a boy as active as Brian it, seemed more like two years. With Matthew shouting at him to watch the tracks and slow down, they all made their way towards the stagecoach office to purchase tickets for the last leg of their journey. The journey home.
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As sunset approached, Sully walked over towards Michaela and quietly said, "It's time. Ya ready?" Nodding reluctantly, Michaela replied anxiously, "Ready, as I'll ever be."
Knowing that he had to be strong, but not really feeling it, Sully turned towards her, taking her hands in his, he spoke from the heart, "I know ya scared and nervous, but Cloud Dancing will be there with ya until he thinks that ya ready ta be alone." "I'll be right outside waitin' so ya ain't got a reason ta fret. Ya'll be fine. Trust me."
Although to Sully his words sounded hollow and meaningless, due to his own state of mind and sense of unworthiness, he hoped that Michaela would be reassured by them.
"Thank you Sully. I know that you need help too. I do trust you…I think."
Fearing that was all that he was going to get, at least for now, Sully led her back towards the campsite and the sweat lodge where her healing would begin.
As they approached the lodge, Cloud Dancing greeted Michaela and guided her inside saying, "You will be alright my friend. Do you trust me?"
Nodding gently, Michaela replied, "Yes, I trust you. What do I need to do?"
"You need to undress and wrap this blanket around you."
Seeing the panic begin to come to Michaela's face and knowing how unsure she was about intimacy, Cloud Dancing said, "Do not worry I will leave so you can arrange yourself."
Relieved that she would at least have a little privacy, Michaela said, "I will call you when I am ready."
Leaving Michaela to undress and prepare, Cloud Dancing went outside to wait with his brother. Noting the concern etched on Sully's face, Cloud Dancing softly said, "She will be alright, you do not need to worry."
Amazed, but not really surprised at his mentor's insight Sully replied, "I know."
"Then what troubles you so? Do you not trust the Spirits?"
Sully had a feeling that this was going to be a conversation that took a while and went nowhere fast. However, he answered his brother honestly by saying, "I don't know Cloud Dancing…I'm so confused."
"I believe there is more to this than you have said. Until you talk to Dr Mike, she will not heal and nor will you. This lodge can only show her the way to begin the journey. You know that?"
Nodding in recognition of that fact, Sully's answer was simple, "Yes I know that and I believe she does too."
"Then it is you who needs to finish the journey with her."
Confusion and worry were constantly vying for supremacy in Sully's mind and the reply he gave was once laden with confusion, "How do I do that when I don't know how to start myself?"
"You must trust my brother and be honest. I will leave tomorrow after the ceremony has finished. You need to do this alone."
Knowing that his brother was right, left Sully no other option than to say, "I'll try. Thanks. Yes I know ya're right."
Although Sully knew that what Cloud Dancing had said was true, they did need to be completely alone to heal. The thought scared him more than he was ready to admit. There was so much still left unsaid and he didn't know if he was strong enough to say what needed to be said. He had to be and there was no choice, as he owed it to her and to himself. When the soft voice of Michaela could be heard beckoning Cloud Dancing, Sully knew that the journey had started and the path was bound to be rocky but the destination was still uncertain.
Upon entering the lodge, Cloud Dancing noticed that Michaela had arranged the blanket so as to position herself in a cross-legged fashion while still managing a certain amount of discretion. "You are ready my friend?"
"Yes I am ready to begin."
Lowering himself into the same position as Michaela was, Cloud Dancing started the ritual with the time honoured chants to the Spirits, asking for wisdom, peace and humility. Looking across at Michaela, Cloud Dancing could tell that the strong smells of cedar and sage combined with the heat from the steam were having an effect on her. It was indeed a pungent mixture and although he had witnessed and taken part in hundreds of sweats before, Cloud Dancing somehow felt that he had more responsibility on his shoulders with the healing of his friend and protégée. He never doubted the powers of the Spirits or their wisdom, but he was reminded of the vulnerability of Michaela and he wished with all his heart that he would be able to help her with the first steps on the path to healing. He also knew that this healing would not only help Michaela but also his very lost brother, Sully. Noting that the required temperature had been reached and Michaela seemed to be settled and relaxed, Cloud Dancing's role for now was finished. Leaving the lodge quietly so as not to disturb Michaela, he re-joined Sully for a long night of waiting.
Michaela had heard Cloud Dancing leave and was aware from what Sully had told her earlier that this would happen, so she wasn't disturbed by it, however she didn't really know what to do.
As she continued to sit there in silence, the heat from the steam combined with the aromas from the herbs and spices that Cloud Dancing had wafted through the air, made Michaela begin to feel extremely drowsy. So much so that the next thing she knew, she was collapsing onto the soft bed of furs that had been laid as a floor for the lodge.
Allowing her body to succumb to the exhaustion, Michaela fell into a fitful sleep.
The dreams were not ones filled with thoughts of her family and home, these were more technically known as nightmares. She was re-living the time in the war records office. Or more precisely Michaela was having a vision, and all of the questions she had asked herself then, came flooding back with such power that she felt like she was suffocating.
What would become of her? What would happen to her….no their children? Would she ever get out of this mess?
She had witnessed her beloved Sully being torn away from her right in front of the children.
She had witnessed hearing his sentence. No his execution!
She had sent her children home, she felt so alone, so afraid and yet, Sully was here, beside her.
What was wrong with her? Why was she allowing herself to feel so desperate?
They had gotten out of tough situations before, consequently she knew that they would get out of this one and be reunited with the children.
She just had to have faith! Faith in God and faith in their love that they could survive this!
Michaela sat up abruptly, stunned by the realism of what she had just experienced.
Taking a few deep breaths, or as deep as she could, Michaela sat there and thought of what she had just seen.
Coming to the conclusion that it wasn't so much what she had seen, more what she had thought, Michaela focussed her mind. Of all of these thoughts that kept charging around in Michaela's head, there was one that was clearer, louder than the rest. That thought she hadn't even voiced at the records office. Thatthought was why Sully didn't trust her enough to tell her what he had done.
All the tears, which had been buried since Sully's arrest, came charging back. Oh, how she longed to be held securely in Sully's arms. But then she suddenly found herself screaming, "Why Sully…Why? Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you trust me?" She could feel herself falling back onto the furs once again, powerless to stop herself, even if she had wanted to, Michaela collapsed.
Outside Sully had heard her screams and had wanted to run headlong into the lodge to help her, but Cloud Dancing had held him back saying, "Let her be my brother, she will be alright."
Knowing that he was right did little to ease Sully's already troubled mind. He never was any good at waiting when a loved one was hurting and this was no exception. Sensing that Michaela was now asleep and therefore the healing ritual was theoretically complete, Sully made himself a bed from the blankets that hadn't been placed in the lodge. He lay down, closed his eyes and tried to sleep although he knew that it would be hard to come by.
As Cloud Dancing sat silently keeping watch over Sully and Michaela, should she need him, he pondered what would happen when he said goodbye in the morning. He had to trust that what the Spirits had told him, about them needing to find their own way alone, was right. He never really doubted the wisdom of the Spirits, but he cared so deeply for his brother and his fiancée that he wanted to protect them as best he could.
Knowing that there was no way out of it as he would have to leave tomorrow regardless of how Michaela had fared in the lodge, Cloud Dancing made himself a pillow out of a spare blanket and settled himself down for the night.
As dawn rose over the sleeping canyon, there were no noises of wolves, birds or coyotes. It was absolutely silent. Almost as if the animals knew what was happening today and were allowing the still slumbering friends some peace to deal with the upcoming events.
Michaela was the first to stir. She tried to sit up, but immediately became aware of the heat, which was still emanating from the smouldering fire inside the lodge. She also felt sick and put that down to lack of food, after all it had been over twenty-four hours since she had last eaten anything. Laying back down Michaela, began to think about what would happen next. Not really sure how the ceremony was meant to end, she decided to just sit quietly and await Cloud Dancing's arrival.
Taking the opportunity to think back over the previous night's events, Michaela came to the conclusion that her reaction in screaming out wasn't only the fact that Sully had kept this from her, although that in itself was bad enough, it was the fact that she nearly lost him altogether. She suddenly stopped mid-thought and realised something very important. Not once had she actually told Sully how she felt, and perhaps more significant she hadn't even asked Sully how he felt about what had happened. Starting to rebuke herself for the blatant lack of compassion that she had shown towards her beloved, Michaela stopped herself by plaintively saying out loud, "How could I? How could I ask how he was, there wasn't time."
Knowing that there was time now, and plenty of it, reassured Michaela. She actually began to feel that it was a good idea of Cloud Dancing's to bring them here. She somehow knew that Cloud Dancing had done it to make them talk alone. For that, she would be forever grateful.
Michaela was brought out of her thoughts when she heard movement outside. Listening to see if she could discern whose voice it was, she was surprised to hear both Sully and Cloud Dancing. She really hadn't expected Sully to be up this early as she assumed that he would have been tossing and turning all night worrying about her.
Returning her attention to the voices outside, Michaela tried to hear what was being said. However, not being able too, Michaela assumed that they were talking about how they had both slept. In addition their conversation was possibly, if not probably, about her and how the healing had gone. Feeling like a spy if the latter was the case, Michaela was relieved when her attention was drawn to the opening of the lodge and she was pleased to see Cloud Dancing enter.
"A-ho my friend. I see that you have slept some. That is good."
"Good morning Cloud Dancing, yes I got a little sleep, thank you." However, feeling the need to move on and face the upcoming discussion with Sully, Michaela asked Cloud Dancing, "What happens now?"
"If you feel ready, then we must thank the Spirits for their help and then the ceremony is over."
"I am ready, what do I need to do?"
Cloud Dancing was pleased at Michaela's willingness to partake in all aspects of the ceremony. He really hadn't expected her too. There weren't many women who would even be prepared to agree to the lodge in the first place, but then there was no doubt in his mind that Michaela was no ordinary woman. He truly didn't think he had ever met a woman with such compassion for everyone, such passion that sometimes you need to rein her in for her own good, and such love that it can light up the whole of Colorado Springs and beyond. He was pleased that in some way his customs had helped her, and consequently Sully, on the right road to start their healing.
Bringing his mind back to the here and now, he approached Michaela taking her hands in his and began chanting a thank you to the Spirits for their gifts and generosity. As he chanted, constantly looking at Michaela, Cloud Dancing was sure that there was a small degree of peace in her. He knew that there was still a long way to go, but he was sure now that Michaela had made peace with her fears and was able to focus on the future. As yet, he didn't know what that future held for either one of his friends, but knowing Sully and Michaela's heart and mind as he did, he knew that they would be able to work through the events of the last few weeks.
Finishing up with a final prayer of guidance, Cloud Dancing addressed Michaela, "It is finished now. Is there anything you wish to discuss before I leave?"
Sensing that Cloud Dancing was referring to the possibility of her having had a vision, Michaela wasn't surprised by the question. However, feeling that she knew what it meant, she replied, "Thank you for the offer Cloud Dancing. I did have what Sully would call a vision, however I am sure that I know what it means. I have to talk to Sully."
"That is fine. You do not have to talk to me. You will be in good hands when you talk to Sully. You now need to get ready to leave the lodge, I will get Sully to bring your clothes for you."
"Thank you."
Cloud Dancing knew that the thank you meant more than just the fact that Michaela could now get dressed. It was a thank you for everything that he had done for her. Patting her hand, Cloud Dancing left to inform Sully that Michaela was fine and was ready to leave the lodge.
Seeing Cloud Dancing exit the lodge, Sully looked up expectantly, and hopefully asked, "Is she alright?"
Amused by Sully's instant concern, Cloud Dancing replied, "Yes my brother Dr. Mike is fine. She is ready to leave the lodge."
Pleased that once again he and Michaela would be together, although a little concerned at the same time due to the knowledge that there was now nothing stopping them from talking, Sully said, "Good, I will gather her clothes and soap. I won't be long."
Seeing the unspoken message in his brother's eyes, Cloud Dancing said, "Very well, I will find some fish for breakfast."
With that, Sully left the warmth of the fire and opened the flap at the entrance to the lodge to find Michaela waiting for him.
"Good morning Sully." Was Michaela's warm welcome upon laying eyes on the love of her life. Although at the moment she wasn't too sure where that love was going, she had to believe that they could talk things out.
"Mornin' Michaela."
With no kiss, Michaela was surprised at the brevity of Sully's greeting. If she was honest, she didn't really know what to expect, or really what she felt, but she had half hoped for a little peck or a cuddle.
Not saying anything, Michaela allowed Sully's questioning eyes to verbalise his concern, "Are you alright?"
Michaela knew that Sully was enquiring after more than her health. Michaela smiled and reached a hand out to stroke his cheek. "Yes I'm fine. I believe the lodge has helped clear my mind a little. However, we must talk today."
Expecting the normal reticent Sully to deny the need to talk, Michaela was surprised when he willingly agreed, "Yep, you're right, we do need ta talk. But first you'd better get dressed." Handing her the clothes, Sully exited and left Michaela to attend to her needs.
Placing her garments down on one of the furs, Michaela reached for the wash cloth and soap that Sully had brought. Slowly dipping the cloth in the cold water that stood at the far end of the lodge, Michaela allowed the ice cold water to drip freely over her naked body. Shivering as the droplets hit her steaming skin, Michaela tingled at the feeling. Gradually becoming accustomed to it, she discovered that it actually felt rather invigorating, almost rejuvenating. Reaching for the towel, Michaela dried herself off and then dressed quickly, so as not to get cold as the intense heat of the lodge was quickly cooling down. Giving herself a final once over, as best she could with no mirror, Michaela exited the lodge, shielding her eyes against the early morning sun and joined her companions at the fire.
"It is good to see some colour in your cheeks Dr Mike."
Smiling at his use of her proper name, Michaela said, "Yes, thank you Cloud Dancing, but I am now very hungry."
Neither Sully nor Cloud Dancing could resist joining Michaela in the laughter that followed her desperate plea for food. It struck Sully that hearing Michaela laugh again was like music to his ears, and laughter was a sound that had most definitely been lacking for far too long.
Handing Michaela a plate of fish and biscuits, Cloud Dancing said, "I must leave after we eat, I have a long journey as do you."
Michaela would have normally been really perplexed by a statement such as that, but she knew, as did Sully, exactly what Cloud Dancing had meant. Before speaking, Michaela glanced across at Sully to see his reaction to his friend leaving. There was no sign of despair, no frustration. In fact he almost looked too calm, too laid back that it worried Michaela. Voicing her concerns, Michaela asked Cloud Dancing "Where will you go?" Not waiting for an answer, but somehow knowing what it was, Michaela continued, "Would you be able to see the children and let them know we are doing well?"
Smiling at his student's perceptiveness, Cloud Dancing replied by saying, "The Spirits told me it is time to go home. I will see the children Dr. Mike, do not worry. They know you are being cared for, but I will tell them for you."
Relieved that at least her children would not fear that they were forgotten, Michaela said a simple, "Thank you." Once again allowing silence to fall over the campsite as they finished their breakfast.
Shortly after Cloud Dancing took Sully aside and said, "I will leave your horses and the bedding. Take care of her; she is still vulnerable. Do not loose sight of what you have or it may be gone forever."
Taking a now baffled Sully into a warm embrace, Cloud Dancing said quietly in his ear, "Trust your heart and it will be alright"
Returning to the campsite they realized that Michaela had already cleaned and packed everything away and was waiting for their return. As they approached, Sully noticed the apprehension begin to come back over Michaela's face. Not being able to stop his own fears from growing, he was able to offer no reassurance.
Noting the change in his friends' demeanour, Cloud Dancing decided not to delay his departure. He knew how important this time would be to both of them, and he also knew that if they started to doubt him leaving, they would never find the lost trust. Giving Sully a final embrace and kissing Michaela lightly on her cheek, Cloud Dancing sprung up onto his horse and cantered away without a backward glance leaving Sully and Michaela staring of after him.
Sully released the breath that he didn't know he had been holding and turned to look at Michaela. At that moment what he could see, reminded him of a five year old who was just starting school for the first day. Michaela stood there trembling and close to tears. She looked scared, nervous and incredibly unsure of what the next few days would hold. He didn't feel that her actions were due to being alone with him; it was more likely that she was just apprehensive of their impending talk. Reaching his hand up to stroke her cheek, Sully realised the parallel with his own feelings, and knew that they still had a very long journey ahead.
Feeling the need to actually do something pro-active rather than just stare off into the dust, Sully turned and headed back towards the campsite.
A stunned Michaela followed him and said, "What are you doing?"
Without stopping to look at her, Sully replied, "We need to break camp if we're gonna move further into the Canyon."
Knowing that this was all part of Sully's coping mechanism, Michaela didn't question him further, but went over and helped him pack the bedding and furs away, dismantle the lodge and load the horses for their impending departure. Turning to Sully and forcing him to make eye contact, Michaela asked gently, "Where are we going to go?"
"Well…I reckon we'd head off inta the hills until we spot somewhere ta camp tonight. Does that sound okay?"
Not knowing enough about this area to question Sully's choice, Michaela really had no choice but to agree. So with a simple nod of her head the decision was made. Making a final check on the campsite and ensuring that the fires were out, Michaela pulled herself up onto Sheba's back as Sully mounted Jet. Easing the horses into a gentle walk, they set off to begin their adventure.
As Jet and Sheba jogged along contentedly, finding their own way for the most part, Sully took the opportunity to look at their surroundings. Hoping that Michaela wouldn't sense his real reason for avoiding the issue, being one of loss and despair, he preceded to point out areas of interest to her.
Although Michaela was also enjoying the quiet and the beauty of the Canyon, and finding Sully's commentary interesting. She was well aware that he was avoiding the opportunity to talk without being disturbed. It seemed that all he was doing was filling in the indomitable silence that resonated from the Canyon walls. She was beginning to wonder when or even if Sully was going to talk to her. Since their arrival, all Sully seemed to have said were what Michaela would call the pleasantries. She knew that he found talking hard, however more importantly she knew that he was well aware of how vital this time of healing was if they were to have a future, and if they were to reaffirm their love. Michaela couldn't believe it had taken her this long to work out why she had been so upset with all the events in Washington, but now the realization started to dawn on her.
It wasn't only what Sully had done in not telling her the truth, although that was bad enough, but to Michaela what seemed worse was that they had begun to drift apart and yet they were soul-mates. Not only had they a need to rebuild their trust in each other, and themselves, but also they had to re-discover their love.
Feeling a new sense of urgency to get Sully to open up, Michaela reached for his hand in an attempt to attract his attention. Seeing that this failed, Michaela sighed and said, almost to herself, "This is so silly Sully. Are we going to discuss the scenery for the next few days or are we going to actually talk about what happened?"
Pulling Jet to an abrupt halt, Sully turned to look Michaela in the eye for the first time in days and knew the time for idle chitchat had passed. Taking a deep breath Sully said, "Ok, you're right, I know, but we can't talk here and not just yet. Let's make camp and then we'll be free ta talk?"
Although Michaela knew that Sully was right, that it would indeed be difficult to have the kind of talk that they needed to have while they were still riding, she nodded her head in agreement, and they continued on in silence once again.
Sully thought to himself, as he rode along, that the silence was almost deafening. He had always appreciated the stillness of nature and to a large extent it helped still his mind. Not this time though. He wished that something would make a sound, but there was nothing. All the animals were quiet and still. There was no wind, but absolute silence filled his ears.
Glancing around at their surroundings, Sully spotted what he considered to be an ideal site for their camp. Drawing Jet to a halt, he waited for Sheba to stop with Michaela and said, "How 'bout over there for the camp?"
Looking at where Sully was indicating, Michaela nodded in agreement and said, "Ok, that looks fine. There is water nearby and a nice shaded spot. Shall we go?"
Pleased at the ease of Michaela's acceptance, Sully once again urged Jet into a steady trot and quickly reached the designated area. Checking to see that Michaela and Sheba were following, Sully jumped off and loosely tied Jet to a rocky outcrop before starting the work of setting up camp.
Upon reaching Sully and Jet, Michaela slid from Sheba's back and tied her next to Jet. Noting that Sully had already started preparing the ground for the fire and bedrolls Michaela said, "Do you want me to go and find some firewood?"
"Thanks that would be good. Don't go too far though."
"I won't, I'll be back soon."
Michaela was slightly put out at Sully's warning, as if she was a child on her first camping trip. However she knew deep down that Sully was really just looking out for her own safety. Deciding that it really wasn't worth saying anything, Michaela just left and proceeded to try and find some decent sticksfor the fire tonight.
Sully had watched Michaela leave and regretted that he had spoken to her as if she was incapable of taking care of herself. He hadn't meant for it to come out like that. The truth was that he was so on edge about their upcoming talk, that he suspected that whatever he said, would have come out wrong. He would apologise when she came back.
Upon seeing Michaela approach the campsite laden with firewood, Sully walked towards her and said "Here let me help ya with that."
Grateful for the opportunity to release the heavy, cumbersome logs, Michaela eagerly handed them over to Sully, "Thank you, that would be good of you."
Receiving them with ease, Sully dropped them down beside the fire pit he had created. Offering Michaela a hand to help her sit, Sully took the opportunity to say, "I'm sorry for earlier. I didn't mean to make it sound like ya were a child or somethin'. I know ya can take care of yaself. Please forgive me?"
Appreciating his effort Michaela replied, "It's alright Sully, I know you meant well and I also know that we are both on edge at the moment. Forget about it."
Glad that Michaela seemed to genuinely accept his apology, Sully continued on with the task in hand, providing some much needed warmth and light in the shape of the fire. Glancing across at Michaela, Sully noticed that she appeared to be so deep in thought that she hadn't even noticed the now blazing fire in front of her. In fact, Sully felt that she wouldn't' have noticed if a heard of buffalo came stampeding through the campsite. Sully usually wouldn't question her state of mind, knowing that Michaela was a deep thinker. He would choose to leave her in peace, however this time was different. He was beginning to feel that now was the time to make her open up. Now was the time to begin their healing together.
Leaving the fire, he approached her quietly, so as not to startle her. Kneeling down in front of her Sully gently placed a hand on her lap and said, "Michaela?" When no answer came he tried again, this time with more determination, "Michaela, look at me?"
When she finally turned her usually vibrant eyes towards his crystal blue ones, Sully saw the depth of her fear, pain and confusion for the first time. Resisting the desire to comfort and reassure by offering a physical embrace, Sully said in a voice filled with longing and love, "What is it Michaela? What are you so afraid of? Talk to me…please."
Turning to look Sully in the eye, the normally outspoken Michaela was suddenly feeling at a loss for words. Sully had finally given her the chance to actually speak what was on her mind, and yet she seemed to doubt her ability to verbalise what she needed too.
Taking a deep breath, Michaela began "Where do I begin Sully…what am I afraid of?"
Sensing the inner turmoil that was raging, Sully sat back and gave her the time and space to compose her thoughts and feelings.
Michaela suddenly felt all of the anger that she had been suppressing boil over, and she answered with such venom that she didn't know what to do for the best, "What is wrong Sully?… What is wrong?… I'll tell you what is wrong…You almost died…you lied to me…you killed someone and didn't tell me." "How do you expect me to feel about that?…How do you expect me to believe anything that you tell me now Sully?…How do you expect me to ever trust you again?"
Finishing the last with tears flooding down her flushed cheeks, Michaela ran out of the campsite and into the mountains without looking back. She ran as if her life depended on it. She ran as she had never run before. She ran as if all of her life, past and present were colliding in this one place, and all she knew was that she had to change the future, and that was by running.
"Wait Michaela…Wait!" was Sully's plaintive, desperate cry, but she didn't stop.
Sully sat there, confused, dumbfounded and scared. Never had he heard Michaela speak with such anger. Never had he seen her so afraid and yet so sure at the same time. Now he was faced with an empty campsite and an equally empty heart. Should he go after her? Should he leave her? Would she come back? Would she be alright? All of these questions and more were screaming through Sully's head. The one that won outthough, was that he had to go after her. He had to make her see what he had done. He had to make sure she was alright. With that decision made, Sully set off after his heartsong, after his life. He knew that time was of the essence as night was setting in and the mountains were no place to be at night time, especially when you are alone. Sully could see that Michaela had made a little headway, but he also thought that she might be having problems seeing as it was now nearly dark. He also suspected that she hadn't stopped crying since leaving the campsite consequently her visibility wasn't going to be the greatest.
Michaela assumed knowing Sully, he was more than likely follow. This spurred Michaela on and she quickened her pace. However she hadn't counted on the rock face being as uneven as it was, and with one slip that was it.
Sully looked up when he heard it and saw something that rocked the life out of him. It was his beloved Michaela falling from the cliff edge and he could hear the screaming "AAARGH….SULLY!"
Just then there was a loud thud as Michaela made contact with the ground. Then silence. Racing up the cliff as fast, and safely as he could, Sully peered over the edge and saw the still body of his life's force. Edging his way down to Michaela, he prayed constantly to the Spirits and to God that she would be okay, however as he neared her, it was evident that she was far from being well. In fact Sully wasn't even sure if she was alive.
Upon reaching her, Sully softly called "Michaela can ya here me? Come on sweetheart open ya eyes for me."
When there was no response, Sully began to feel even more scared as he cautiously sat next to her, and Sully began the oh so gentle exploration of her possible injuries. Moving up her body from her toes all the way to her usually soft, silky hair, Sully managed to discern that Michaela had a definite concussion and a broken arm, but apart from that she was incredibly lucky. However, the main cause for concern was that she still hadn't woken up and the night was getting dangerously cold.
Sully knew that either he had to make a fire here and hope that Michaela didn't get worse, or carry her back to camp for the warmth and comfort, of which may have certain risk attached to it.
Feeling that moving her would be the safer option in the long run, Sully scanned the area for the easiest route back to camp. Upon locating it, he bent down on Michaela's right side, so as to cushion her injured arm as best he could. He gently lifted the most precious cargo of his life into his arms, trying desperately hard not to jolt her arm, as he positioned her snugly against his chest. It struck him how incredibly light, but amazingly right Michaela felt nestled into his body. As he carried her, the short distance back to the campsite, Sully was reminded of another time in the past when he had been in a similar position and that was also his fault. He still hadn't fully forgiven himself for the agony that Michaela suffered after her fall at Harding's Mill. Luckily that had turned out alright in the end.
Bringing his thoughts back to the future as he shifted Michaela slightly, he wondered aloud, "When am I going to stop hurting the very person that means more to me than life itself? Hasn't she suffered enough in my hands? Surely she would be happier if I just left her?" Although Sully knew that these questions would have to be answered in time, now was not the time for self-pity and doubt. No, now was the time to concentrate on healing. A healing that he secretly hoped would be as much physical as spiritual. The first priority was to stabilize Michaela and then build a shelter until she was well enough to travel. Returning his gaze to the almost lifeless body in his arms, Sully began to pray vehemently to the Spirits for guidance and wisdom as he thought more about how he was going to care for his heartsong.
As he approached camp, Sully placed Michaela onto one of the bedding rolls that he had previously laid out. Re-stocking the fire, he assessed what would be needed for their impending night. Before leaving for the next job, that of collecting food and water, Sully reached into his medicine pouch and pulled out some Willow-Bark tea. Adding some to a pot of water that was resting on the fire, he did a final check on Michaela to insure that she was comfortable before heading off to the nearby river in order to catch some fish for tonight and tomorrow night as well as to retrieve some much needed fresh water.
Not wanting to leave Michaela longer than he had too, Sully didn't take much time with the fishing and soon returned to discover that there was absolutely no change at all in Michaela's condition. Not being a doctor, Sully really didn't know if this was good or bad, but his instinct said that it was far from good. He figured that Michaela had been unconscious for nearly two hours and there was no sign of that changing in the near future. Sully knew that he had to do something and quick, but what?
Thinking that it might be better to wait and treat her injuries properly once she woke up, Sully wondered if she had brought her medical bag with her, not that he really doubted it as she seemed to be physically attached to it most of the time. Seeing it hung over Sheba's saddle horn was a minor piece of good news for Sully. He now knew that once she was awake, she would be able to have proper pain relief apart from anything else.
Glancing around the campsite, desperate to find something to do that would be of practical help to Michaela, he suddenly remembered that he was going to build a shelter. He set to work, and before long the shelter soon took shape. Standing back to admire his handiwork, Sully smiled to himself. It wasn't a palace by any means, but it had a roof, made from pine boughs, two sort of walls again made from pine boughs and a soft floor on which he had placed furs, blankets and pine needles. He would move the bedrolls once he had Michaela situated.
Once again, lifting her into his arms, Sully thought that he would never tire of the feel of this, but then shaking himself free from the lustful thoughts, he walked the short distance to the shelter and laid her carefully on top of one of the furs. Just as he placed her down, he thought that he heard a soft moan escape her lips. Was she waking up finally? He certainly hoped so.
Leaning over her and softly stroking her face, Sully said "Michaela…Michaela open your eyes honey, come on for me?"
As a reply, all he got was another moan, but Sully was not disheartened as he knew that if she was moaning then she was becoming more aware and alert, so he tried again "Come on Michaela it's time ta get up. Open ya eyes for me?"
Once again a soft moan escaped her lips, but then Sully saw her eyes begin to flutter open then shut again. Being patient, Sully continued the gentle caresses on her face and un-injured arm, waiting for Michaela to come back to him.
A barely audible "Sully?" finally rewarded his patience.
Relief washed over Sully like the Horseshoe Falls cascades into the Niagara River.
"Yeah, sweetheart I'm here." Again Sully saw Michaela force her eyes open and try to focus. Feeling that she needed encouragement he said, "That's it, you're doing fine. Come on just a bit more."
Finally achieving focus and full vision, Michaela tried to sit up, but felt a weight on her shoulder pushing her back down "Whoa there, ya had a pretty nasty fall."
Not feeling strong enough to fight Sully, Michaela laid back down and asked, "What happened?"
That was the question that Sully had been dreading. Could he, no should he tell her what actually happened? Deciding to test the water first Sully asked, "What's the last thing ya remember?"
Closing her eyes, almost in an effort to try and think what the last thing was that she did clearly remember, Michaela took a deep breath and said, "I think the last thing that I remember was running away from you."
Sully who was encouraged, if a bit surprised, that she didn't appear to have any signs of amnesia, said "Yep that's right, but do ya know why?"
Throughout all of this, Sully hadn't taken his worried eyes from Michaela's face and as he could see her once again trying to remember what had happened. He could clearly detect the beginnings of a headache play across her features. Reaching out a soothing hand to caress her furrowed brow Sully said, "We don't have ta talk any more now if ya wanna rest." Seeing a gentle shake of her head, Sully kept quiet until Michaela was ready to answer his initial question.
Thinking of Sully's question, why had she run off, memories started to race through her mind and she knew exactly why she had run off. However, the question was what was going to happen now? Bringing her hand back to her forehead, Michaela began to feel the start of a splitting headache, but she couldn't put this off any longer. So as she took a deep, cleansing breath, she started to speak slowly and with purpose, wanting to make sure that Sully didn't misunderstand or misinterpret her answer, "Yes Sully I remember exactly why I ran off, because…because you lied to me. You hurt me. I didn't think that we were meant to keep secrets after everything that has happened between us."
Sully had been sitting in absolute silence since Michaela had started to talk and finally released all of her emotions. Somehow the only word he could think of saying right now was sorry, and that just wasn't going to wash with Michaela. Instead, he stayed silent and took one of her hands in his, gently rubbing his thumb across the top of it and waited for Michaela to continue.
With tears cascading down her cheeks, Michaela got to the hardest part of her confessional as she was now viewing it, "I don't know how I feel any more Sully. I almost lost you forever and that scared me so much. I don't think you have any idea what I went through the night that you were taken away. The children didn't understand…I didn't understand and then when they sentenced you to death, I felt my own life begin to ebb away. I had to get you out, but you still wouldn't tell me what you'd done. You would've died before you told me what you'd done. I would've lost my only one true love and not known anything about him."
Taking a last shaky breath, Michaela said the last in what wasn't more than a whisper. Not daring to look at Sully's eyes, which could see right through to her soul, Michaela focused on the flames from the campfire instead and finished by saying, "In my heart I still love you Sully and I always will, but my head isn't so sure any more. I don't know what to do any more Sully, and what's more I'm not sure I even care."
Sully hadn't taken his eyes off her throughout the entire time that she had been speaking, however the fact that Michaela had purposely avoided eye contact with him as she finished, did not go unnoticed by Sully. He, who was already shaken from what he had heard, now felt like his whole world was being turned upside down. Knowing that he had to give Michaela some kind of verbal response after she had just bared her soul to him, Sully chose his words carefully, speaking from his heart, while he continued to hold her, he began, "Michaela I know what ya must think of me and I ain't ever gonna be able ta say sorry enough for all I've done. I know that we need ta talk and sort things out, but I need ta take care of ya first. Ya arm needs settin'."
Michaela hadn't even thought about her injuries as she had been more concerned with her earlier confessional to Sully. However now, as Sully mentioned the pressing matter of her broken arm, she knew that they did indeed need to set it and relieve some of the pain. Turning her face towards Sully for the first time in what seemed like hours, Michaela quietly said, "Yes I guess you're right my arm does need to be set, if you get me bag I'll tell you what to do, then we'll talk."
"Good, ya sit there and I'll go get ya bag for ya."
Momentarily surprised that Sully even knew where her bag was, Michaela was too tired and sore to argue or question so she did as she was instructed and waited for Sully's return.
Before too long, Sully was back at her side with a cup of Willow-Bark tea and her medical bag. Handing the tea to Michaela, who uttered a quiet "Thank you" in response, Sully opened her medical bag and began to root around for something that might ease her discomfort. However, as he was no doctor, he didn't really have any idea what he was looking for. Turning to Michaela he said, in a voice, which had such a sense of utter defeat that it made Michaela catch her breath, "I'd like ta help, but I don't know what ya need."
Handing her the bag with a sigh of resignation, while turning his face and eyes away, Michaela gratefully accepted it. Before pulling away, she made a point of making Sully look up so she could see right into Sully's eyes and said, "Don't worry…I'll be fine…we'll be alright."
As soon as Michaela had taken her hand back, Sully turned away until he heard the last words and felt his heart begin to slow and relax for the first time in days, maybe even weeks. Sully suddenly realised that it was possible that he could actually forget his plan and sort out this whole mess once and for all. Maybe he wouldn't have to actually leave her and leave his future.
Bringing himself back to the present as he felt a touch on his arm, Sully brought his face back towards Michaela and to the issue at hand, her injuries.
Michaela had waited to speak until she was sure that Sully was listening. When she was sure that was the case, Michaela began, "I know that you want to help me and I am grateful for that as it is going to be hard doing this without help. This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you, but I need you to listen to everything that I tell you and do exactly as I say."
A slightly amused Sully listened carefully as Michaela explained the procedure for setting her arm and what exactly he was to do.
"So ya want me ta pull your arm?" Astounded at the request, Sully felt the need to check just in case he hadn't heard it right the first time.
"Yes Sully, I need you to pull my arm until I hear the bones crack back into place."
"Are ya sure…I mean I don't wanna hurt ya anymore."
Michaela wasn't surprised in the least at Sully's reaction. She knew herself that it wasn't a pleasant job and she also knew that it was definitely going to hurt…a lot. Taking his hand in her un-injured one, she looked deep into his eyes and said, "I know that you don't want to do it, but there really is no other way. You won't hurt me anymore than I am already and it will be over before you know it."
Finally accepting the inevitable with a soft nod of his head and said, "Okay are ya ready?" With a very shaky nod, Michaela gripped the furs with one hand and tried to keep herself steady while Sully positioned himself.
Making a final check that everything was prepared for afterwards and noting that Michaela was growing whiter by the second, due to anxiety more than anything, Sully took hold of her arm as she had instructed and gave it a firm hard yank. "AAAAGH," was the non-surprising reaction from Michaela as she recovered from the shock.
Finally finding her breath, Michaela said a quiet, "Thank you Sully…it's alright." However, Sully didn't really hear as he was quickly reaching for the laudanum that they had laid out ready. Sully handed a cup of the mixture to Michaela, with a pleading look in his eyes that clearly said drink. Not having the strength to fight him, but not really wanting the medicine, she knew it would make her drowsy. Michaela accepted the cup and forced down the bitter tasting liquid. Sully was pleased that Michaela didn't put up a fight and as he watched her drink, he was relieved that the worst was over and all that was left to do was to fashion a splint and place her arm in a sling. Reaching towards the sticks that he had sought out earlier, Sully began to gently wrap Michaela's arm and then placed it lovingly in a sling saying, "There ya go, maybe having a doctor in the family is starting ta wear off."
With a quiet chuckle and a final, "Thank you" Michaela lay back and closed her eyes as she allowed the laudanum to take affect.
Reaching for a blanket that lay close by, Sully covered his life, his love and sat back to thank the Spirits for their help.
As the evening rolled into early morning, Sully continued to watch over Michaela. Even though it wasn't entirely necessary, he felt obliged to do it. However, he found this quiet time was a useful tool for piecing together all that had happened and have been said over the previous evening. Allowing his mind to wander, Sully's initial thoughts turned to what Michaela had said before she ran off, as he began to relax back against one of the supporting struts.
He re-lived the entire confession of his heartsong, "Where do I begin Sully…what am I afraid of? What is wrong Sully…what is wrong…I'll tell you what is wrong…You almost died…you lied to me…you killed someone and didn't tell meHow do you expect me to feel about that?…How do you expect me to believe anything that you tell me now Sully?…How do you expect me to ever trust you again?"
It occurred to Sully that until now, he hadn't actually registered the power of what Michaela had said. Yes, he knew she was mad with him. Yes, he knew that he had a lot of ground too make up on, but he truly didn't realise just how much his deceit, although unintentional, had affected their relationship. How much his sentence, again not his doing, had affected her. Now he realised that all he had to do was to work out how he was going to repair the damage. Before he had time to formulate a plan, his mind did a sudden jerk backwards, into another time when thoughts of Michaela had consumed his tormented mind.
It was a time when her bravery had exceeded all of his expectations. A time when her tenacity and intelligence had given them a lead to clear his name. It was when they were with Eli at the records office after the breakout. As Sully let his mind recall the thoughts that he had, an understanding emerged. All of this was his fault! He did this to her, …to them! His own selfish pride had stopped him telling her about his time in the army and now that foolish pride had resulted in him being arrested and Michaela turning into a fugitive to save him.
How was he ever going to forgive himself?… No, how was she ever going to forgive him?…He had ruined everything because he wouldn't let her into his past. He hated himself and he wouldn't blame Michaela if she hated him too, but he doubted that. She wasn't capable of hate, only love. How could she still love him after all this? Although thinking about it, she clearly did, otherwise she wouldn't have done what she had…would she? No she had said that she would die for him, yes she loved him that much was certain
At this recognition, Sully had been afraid all this time of Michaela leaving him, that at one point he even considered saving her from doing the deed and actually leaving himself. But why…why had he even contemplated that thought when he himself had said that Michaela wasn't capable of hate? She had certainly not said that she didn't love him anymore…no, she still loved him in her heart, that was what she had said.
The more he tried to make sense of the thoughts and images that were assailing themselves in his already confused mind, the more he became aware that he had hurt the only person that meant more to him than life itself. He wondered how many more times he was going to say that…how many more times he would do that. He'd never be able to understand what Michaela saw in him and why she had agreed to marry him. What could he offer her? What could he bring her but a broken man who had lied to save his own foolish pride?
As he lay there in the quiet he decided that action was needed if he stood any chance of rectifying his mistake and mending his relationship. He needed to do what Michaela had been brave enough to do earlier. He needed to speak the truth from his heart and soul to hers…and hope that she was willing to listen. So taking Michaela's hand in his, Sully took a deep breath and started bearing his soul to the sleeping form beside him " I don't know if ya can hear me, but I reckon ya can so I guess I'd better start at the beginning. It was just after Abby died. I was so lost that I didn't know what ta do. I left home…didn't even go ta Abby and Hanna's funerals. Wrong I know, but couldn't do it. Made up for that since, so it don't matter none now."
Sully didn't really know why he was saying all of this to Michaela, maybe he was trying to make up for lost time or something. Whatever it was, strangely felt good and he continued, stroking his beloved's hand as he spoke, "Well anyway ya know that I didn't care if I lived or died so I joined up. When I got posted first, they sent me ta the front line, but then they found out I could shoot. That's when they got me ta act as a killer. God knows I hated it Michaela, even if I didn't really admit it then…I knew it was wrong."
Taking a breath to compose himself as he felt his palms begin to feel sweaty, Sully was once again astounded at the un-known power that Michaela held even in her sleep. Even before Abigail had died, Sully rarely, if ever, spoke this way. There was no doubt in his minds eye that his and Abby's love was very different, almost childlike in its make up. Where as Michaela's love knew no bounds and was true from dawn till dusk. She seemed to bring the same virtue out in him. Their love was limitless no matter what obstacles were in the way. They were meant to be together and there was no way that Sully was prepared to forego this and lose this beautiful creature from his life.
Feeling the end was near, Sully brought Michaela's hand to his lips and softly kissed her palm while he continued on the final part of his life's story. " When I shot the Confederate Major, I felt that I'd failed everyone…Abby, Hannah, my parents…and most of all myself. I just forgot about it…until now…and now I've failed you as well. I went back home and met Cloud Dancing and the rest ya know."
Knowing that there was still one thing that Sully needed to get out in the open. He held Michaela's hand tightly in his, almost receiving her love and courage through their linked fingers. Taking a shaky breath, Sully finished by saying, "There's only one thing left now Michaela…one thing that ya have ta know if we're ever going ta have a future. I didn't lie ta ya on purpose…I didn't deceive ya on purpose…and I didn't hurt ya on purpose. I just forgot about my past, until it caught up. Sorry just ain't enough but it's a start. If ya don't believe anythin' else I've said then please believe this my love…my life…my heartsong…I love ya more than anythin' and I will make this up ta ya somehow…some day if ya'll give me the chance. Please don't leave me like everyone else…please forgive me."
That was it and with a final, "I love ya" Sully lay down and closed his eyes allowing sleep to engulf him and release his mind from the tormented thoughts that had consumed him for so many years he had lost track. He had listened to his heart and borne his soul…his past to Michaela and now he just had to wait and see what would happen.
However unbeknownst to Sully, Michaela had heard everything…every shaky breath…every choked tear…every desperate plea had not fallen on deaf ears, but on open willing ears. Michaela vowed then and there that she would not tell Sully that she had heard all of his confession, just the last part as if it was a dream state. They would get things straightened out and they would enjoy the rest of their time alone, that much was certain. So with a glimmer of hope in her heart, Michaela closed her eyes and gave Sully's hand a loving squeeze as it lay across her stomach, before returning to her peaceful slumber.
As the chorus of birds greeted the morning, echoing around the Canyon's walls, a still groggy Sully opened his eyes and was momentarily disorientated as to why he was cradling his heartsong. The recollections of the previous day came tumbling back with veracity. Carefully shifting himself so he could have a better look at Michaela's condition, Sully was pleased to see a rise of pink hue on her cheeks and a peaceful look on her features. This was the best news that he had received in days.
Although Sully's heart felt lighter and his mind rested, there was still heaviness in his spirit. He wasn't initially sure as to the cause, but upon thinking about it, he came to the conclusion that despite the fact that he had laid his soul bare the previous night, it appeared that the Spirits still wanted him to actually speak directly to Michaela.
As he prepared himself to rise and start breakfast, Sully released Michaela's, hand but was met with resistance. Glancing down so he could see Michaela, he was stunned and overjoyed that it appeared that Michaela was waking up. Bringing her hand to his lips as he reached with his other hand to brush her hair away from her eyes, Sully spoke softly so as not to make her jump, "Michaela…come on wake up it's mornin'"
The response that greeted Sully was a slow positive one as Michaela's eyes fluttered open and closed and while a quiet, questioning, "Sully?" escape her lips.
"That's my girl, now try and open ya eyes again for me."
As the fog cleared slowly from Michaela's mind and she once again tried to open her eyes, meeting no resistance this time, she opened them fully and saw the smiling, yet still concerned face of her fiancé.
Realising that the danger had passed and that she hadn't sat up for nearly twelve hours, Michaela made to rise, but was reminded very quickly of the pain that was emanating from her broken arm.
Seeing what was about to happen, Sully gently placed a hand on her un-injured shoulder and said with laughter in his voice, "Whoa there I'll give ya a hand, but ya got ta take it easy."
Knowing that Michaela didn't like being dependent on anyone for anything, Sully was anticipating an argument, but when he didn't receive one he proceeded to help Michaela sit up and was rewarded with a shy, "Thank you Sully, that feels a lot better."
"Good, now I'll get some fish on for breakfast and then help ya down ta the river so ya can freshen up."
"That would be nice and I am hungry."
With that decided, Sully left Michaela's side for the first time in days and set about preparing the much-needed food.
Michaela could hear Sully moving around the campsite, but she was quietly pleased to be left alone for a little while. She had so much to think of and couldn't do that with Sully around. As she sat there, propped up against one of the supporting struts, Michaela's mind went back to all that she had said to Sully before the fall and all that he had said to her last night. Allowing her analytical mind to take over from her emotions, Michaela realised that actually Sully had been as scared as she had. What it came down to for both was the fear of being left alone. For Michaela it was the thought of Sully actually dying before their life had begun, and for Sully it was the thought of Michaela being so ashamed of what he had done that she would never want to see him again.
Making the conscious decision that today was going to be the start of the rest of their lives, Michaela knew that today was going to be the turning point that they both needed. She suspected that Sully still felt the need to apologise to her while she was awake, therefore she would let him to do that. Only she also knew that it was essential for her to be allowed the same right.
Thinking that she had been sitting in one place long enough, Michaela really wanted to try and stretch and to get some air. She attempted to get onto her knees, from where she could stand more easily. Just as she was about to take her first motion towards becoming upright Sully entered the lean-to and promptly offered his arm for Michaela to push up on to.
As Michaela stood, she uttered a soft moan followed by a "Thank you" to Sully who gave her a quick peck on the cheek. Hehelped her outside, where he had laid a nice fire and got some fish cooking alongside some brewing coffee.
Upon reaching the fire side, Michaela turned to Sully and said in a soft voice so the words didn't come out wrong, "I think I can manage from here…I won't be long I promise." Instantly feeling embarrassed about having to voice her reasons for needing privacy, Michaela turned to leave before Sully could see the colour of her cheeks.
Chuckling to himself at Michaela's predicament, Sully just nodded and decided that it was not a wise move to draw attention to what she had said, so he left her to it and hoped that she would be alright on her own.
Within ten minutes Michaela re-appeared looking much more refreshed and relaxed. Sully could have sworn that there was a glint in her eye that he hadn't detected for quite some time. Assisting her to take a seat on one of the logs that he had placed by the fire, Sully handed Michaela a cup of steaming coffee. He knew she would be in desperate need of it, having had nothin but a cup of willow-bark tea and some laudanum in the last twenty-four hours.
As Michaela finished her drink and reached to place the cup on the ground, Sully took it from her and said, "It's waiter service this morning ok?
Smiling at Sully's caring comments, Michaela just nodded her head and said "That's fine, thank you but I will be alright you know?" As Michaela said the last line she caught herself questioning the wisdom of that statement. Yes, physically she would be fine, however the real question was her emotional well-being, and there was only one answer for that and his name was Sully.
As Sully continued to tend the fire and their breakfast, he glanced up at Michaela speaking slowly and quietly, "Michaela…after breakfast…I want ta take ya somewhere nice…there's somethin' that I need ta tell ya."
Michaela knew exactly what he needed to say, but she would never let on. She knew how prideful and honourable Sully was, and to be able to say 'I know' just wouldn't be right or fair. So Michaela simply said, "That would be lovely Sully…I would like to see more of the Grand Canyon than the bottom of a cliff."
Pleased that once again there were no arguments, Sully began to feel a little braver and reassured that maybe not all of their trust was gone. After all if she was prepared to trust him enough to give her a guided tour, then there must be something there, mustn't there?
They finished their fish and coffee, cleaned up the campsite, ensuring that the fire was out and the plates put were away from friendly neighbourhood animals. The couple finally set off towards the waterfall that Cloud Dancing had told Sully about before he left. Although the journey was quiet, andwith little or hardly any conversation, neither seemed to mind over much as Sully pointed out areas of interest and helped Michaela gather some unusual herbs for her doctoring.
As they neared the waterfall, Michaela's eyes went wide as she saw the most spectacular sight of rainbows being tossed around in the cascading water. It was just like a child's picture she thought. Sully was delighted at her reaction, it was exactly what he had hoped for.
Taking her hand in his, Sully assisted Michaela to sit on the craggy rock face that edged the pool of crystal clear water. Turning towards her, Sully said, "Do ya wanna a go for a paddle while we talk?"
Giggling at the thought of it Michaela nodded and said, "Yes that would be good, but you'll have to help me with my boots and stockings."
Smiling as he spoke, "I'm sure that I can manage that for ya." Sully reached for Michaela's left foot and gently placed it on his lap. As he began to unlace her boot, his thoughts turned to how much he was actually enjoying doing this for her and the fact that once they were married he would be able to pamper her all the time. Shaking his head to bring himself back to reality, he couldn't believe what this woman did to him.
Once one boot was off, Sully reached for the other one not letting her left foot leave his lap. It didn't take him long before Michaela sat there in her stocking clad feet with such a relaxed look on her face that Sully wondered if she was actually asleep. As Sully reached up her legs to remove her stockings, his hands lingered there momentarily and he allowed himself to softly caress, where he had never been allowed before. When a soft moan escaped Michaela's mouth and her eyes shot open, Sully quickly withdrew his hands and looked down at the welcoming, cooling water.
"Sully…look at me…please?" As Sully turned to face his love, he was surprised at what he saw. There was no anger, no nervousness, and no hint of recrimination. All that met his eyes was pure, unadulterated love. "It's ok you know…I know that I've never allowed you to do that before…but it's ok…I kind of liked it." Surprised at her own admission, Michaela instantly turned bright red and looked away, but when she felt Sully's hands re-trace their earlier movements, Michaela relaxed once again and felt a new sensation begin to stir inside of her.
Sully was astounded that Michaela had actually admitted to enjoying his touch and had not jumped up and run off. However, what stunned him more was that she'd allowed him to repeat it. He could feel her body begin to tingle as it never had before. There was no doubt in his mind now that their souls and hearts were re-connecting, and their minds were not going to be far behind.
As Sully brought Michaela's stockings down from her legs, he didn't stop the gentle caressing, but instead brought her left foot up to his mouth where he placed a gentle kiss upon its arch. Michaela's reaction was instantaneous as a gasp came forth and her eyes shot open. Sully knew that would more than likely happen and was ready to withdraw and apologise at the same time, but when Michaela once again said, "Don't stop it's alright." Sully did the same with her other foot.
Sully really hadn't figured out what had transpired within Michaela, but whatever it was, he wasn't about to say anything to change the situation. However, he was growing aware of his own body's response to this new level of intimacy. He also knew that if he didn't withdraw soon it would be extremely difficult to stop later on and he had to talk to Michaela.
As he drew back and looked at Michaela, he didn't think that he had ever seen her so relaxed while in his company, but they had to stop. Placing her feet onto the rocky outcrop that they were sitting on, Sully took a deep breath to calm his desire filled body and said, "Feel better now?"
When the sound of Sully's sweet voice filled the air, Michaela begrudgingly opened her eyes and spoke in not more than a whisper "Yes, that was wonderful…thank you…I am so relaxed."
Pleased that his actions had achieved the desired affect, Sully knew that it was time for the final pain filled confessional that either would have to do on this trip. So composing himself, he took hold of Michaela's hand in his and just looked straight in her eyes as he spoke from the heart, "Good I'm pleased that ya relaxed, but I got ta tell ya somethin' and I just ask that ya hear me out."
Noting the serious, anguish filled look on Sully's face, Michaela nodded and let him continue, "This ain't easy, but it won't take long. I've been such a fool my whole life. I never let anyone in, cause I was afraid and now that almost cost me everythin'. Sorry just isn't enough to cover everythin' that I done ta ya. I'd understand if ya couldn't forgive me…if we could just be friends. That would be better than losing ya completely. I'm sorry Michaela for everythin'." With the last word said, Sully turned away from Michaela, picked up a stone, and tossed it in the lake, while he awaited Michaela's response.
Michaela didn't think that she had ever heard such a sad, honest, heart felt plea for forgiveness in her life. She knew that what she said now was going to either make or break her life and their relationship. So reaching for Sully's hand, which he had dropped when he turned away, and making him look at her while she spoke, Michaela began, "Oh Sully, what torment you have been through in your life. I can't deny that I wasn't hurt when you refused to tell me about your life after Abigail…but I understand why you did what you did. You were just afraid of losing me, like so many others in your life. You wouldn't have lost me Sully…I would've stood by you no matter what."
Seeing the despair rise onto Sully's face as she said the last statement, Michaela realised that what she said did not come across the way that she had intended. In fact, she had just reiterated to Sully that all they were ever going to be were friends. Needing to think quickly and yet remain sincere, Michaela continued, "What you did was wrong Sully…both the act of killing the soldier and the act of not telling me. You and I both know that. But Sully, by not telling me you made it so much harder on yourself as you made it your battle not ours. I would've died for you when I broke you out despite the secrecy. I would still die for you if I had to. I would still stand by your side through thick and thin if I had to."
Before finishing, Michaela looked at Sully once more to ensure that he was understanding what she had said, when she saw the despair being replaced by hope, she continued, "You have to trust me whole heartedly as I trust you. You said that you hoped that we could remain friends if nothing else. Sully we will always be friends no matter what…but I want more than that…I need more than that. I love you and I want to be with you for eternity. Nothing can stop me marrying you…nothing."
With tears streaming down both sets of cheeks, Sully tried to comprehend what he had done to deserve this beautiful, eloquent, strong woman. He felt Michaela sealed her pledge with a kiss that was so earth shattering it seemed to Sully that all of Michaela's fear, anxiety, confusion and love was now channelled into this one single act of intimacy. Sully drew back gasping for breath, wanting more…no needing more, there was no doubt in his mind that all of the pain that both had endured was over and all that remained was a shining path towards their future.
When Sully's breathing had returned to something more akin to normal, he looked up at Michaela with pure devotion upon his face and unfettered love in his eyes. However, the sight that met him was not as joyous as he was feeling. Michaela was sitting there crying. Sully really wasn't sure why. He had felt that things were back on track. So asking softly, "Michaela, what's wrong?"
Forcing herself to look into Sully's beautiful eyes, Michaela spoke with a distinct crack in her voice, "Oh Sully…there's nothing wrong. It's just that I've never…well…kissed like that."
Relived that it wasn't anything more serious than her old insecurities, Sully brought his hand up to gently caress her tear streaked face and said, "Sweetheart…I love ya…and ya love me right? With a subtle nod from Michaela, Sully continued, "There ain't nothin' wrong with ya wantin' ta kiss or touch ta show me that. Just remember that okay?"
As Michaela reached around to kiss his hand, which was placed lovingly against her cheek, she said, "I'll try to remember…I promise. I love you too, very much my wonderful Byron."
Before Sully could respond, Michaela once again seized his lips with her own. For the first time she truly felt free and open to his most gentle loving lips. Without warning, Michaela moved her hand down to rest just above his heart and felt her fingers slide inside his shirt, and started playing with his chest hair.
As a moan escaped Sully's mouth, Michaela immediately drew back, but Sully grabbed her hand before she could move right away ""Oh God Michaela I love ya…don't stop…that feels so good." Hoping that this would be the reassurance that Michaela desperately needed, Sully was pleased when he let go of her hand and discovered that it found its way back inside his shirt. Feeling constricted by his clothes, Sully urgently wanted and needed release from them. As he continued to stroke his hands through Michaela's beautiful, silky hair and kiss her luscious lips, Sully wondered how Michaela would react if he took his shirt off.
Pulling back slightly from Michaela, and seeing her unique eyes totally glazed over with unspent passion, Sully quickly began to lift his shirt off over his head, all doubts and fears gone. Leaning back over Michaela to re-claim her lips with his, Sully wasn't surprised by the speed at which the soft sensual kiss heated up until they were left breathless.
Sully couldn't put his finger on what had brought about this new found confidence in his heartsong and he wasn't going to stop her. However, he was increasingly aware of the response his body was giving to her caresses and kisses. He knew that they could very easily go too far and Michaela would never forgive him for that…he would never forgive himself.
Reluctantly, Sully forced himself to pull back once again and looking Michaela in the eyes, while caressing her cheek, Sully spoke with such adoration in his voice that it made Michaela catch her breath, "My sweet, innocent, loving Michaela…you mean the world to me. The way that you just were was…incredible and I love ya so much for trusting me enough ta let go finally." As Michaela reached her hand up to capture Sully's, bringing it down to her lips, he continued, "But ya know that we gotta stop…or things might…well ya know…we might go to far."
Michaela knew that was the reason that Sully had pulled back and she was eternally grateful for that, but there was something different, something which she hadn't felt before. Maybe because she had always been afraid of letting go enough to feel anything. Not now though. Now she felt in every sense of the word apart from one. She wasn't afraid any more. She wasn't afraid to love or be loved. Michaela knew that she should wait for her wedding night, and she knew that this wasn't right. However, the one over-riding factor was that she knew, deep in her heart that she and Sully were going to be together for eternity…they were soul-mates.
With this in mind she made her decision…a decision, which would change everything, but for the better she was sure. Pushing herself into a half sitting position, Michaela took Sully's hand in hers and spoke slowly so that there would be no misunderstanding, "Sully I love you…you know that. I thank you for stopping when I wasn't able to…but…I don't want to stop next time…I want…no I need to show you just how much I love you."
Sully had stayed silent, allowing Michaela to speak what was in her heart, but he now sat stunned by what she had said. If the truth were known, he wasn't sure that he had heard her right. He knew that he had to ask her if she really meant what she had just announced. So taking a deep breath Sully said, "Are ya sure that ya wanna do that…I mean be with me like that? I can wait for our weddin' night for ya Michaela…God know that I can wait for eternity for ya Michaela, but I need ta here ya say it. I need ta be sure it's what ya want?"
Michaela smiled at Sully's response, she wasn't surprised in the least and she truly thought that he was a gentleman in every way needing to make certain before anything happened. She was sure though and now was the time to convey that to Sully. Tightening the hold on his hand and looking directly into his eyes…into his soul, Michaela said softly for his ears only, "Sully I know that you would wait and I love you. You and I are going to be married…in our hearts we already are…Sully would you do me the honour of being my first…my only…my one true love…and be with me tonight and forever."
Sully was so blown away by what Michaela had said that he sat dazed for an instant before finding his voice, "Yes Michaela I will be and I am ya first…ya only…ya one true love. But not here…not now, but I would love ta be with ya tonight and always."
Slightly confused by Sully's reply, Michaela looked up at him in puzzlement. Sully knew that she was questioning what he had said so he quickly added, by way of an explanation while softly caressing her soft porcelain cheeks, "Michaela our first time shouldn't be up a mountain…it needs ta be somewhere romantic…somewhere private. It will be tonight I promise, but just give me time ta work things out ok?"
Knowing that what Sully had said made sense, Michaela nodded in agreement. With a shy smile on her face, she reached down to try and put her boots on while saying, "Well, if we're having an early night tonight…we'd best get going back to camp."
Chuckling to himself at Michaela childlike excitement, Sully gave her a hand with her stockings and boots, then put his shirt back on and loosely tied his own boots. Before long, they were ready to return to camp and to their future.
As Sully helped Michaela down the slight incline that led back to their campsite, he allowed his thoughts to go to the impending night and what that might entail. One thing was certain in Sully's mind, he wanted…no needed to make this night as special as he could. It was essential to Sully that Michaela be treated like a princess tonight and in order to do that, their campsite would need to be altered slightly. Turning as they walked, Sully said, "Michaela when we get back ta camp, I'm gonna need ta do some things for tonight, okay?"
As Michaela's curiosity began to peek, she kissed Sully's hand, which was still tightly clasped in her own and asked, "Is there anything that I can do to help? I've hardly done anything since we got here."
Not surprised by Michaela's need to keep busy, Sully leant over to place a soft kiss to her cheek and whispered in her ear, "No my sweet Michaela, there ain't nothin' that ya need ta do 'cept rest, okay." With a nod of her head and an equally soft kiss to Sully's cheek, they continued on in companionable silence and within the hour had arrived at the campsite.
Upon their arrival Sully settled Michaela against a log and set about re-igniting the extinct fire which soon produced a warm, satisfying glow on their surroundings as the light began to dwindle. Sensing Michaela's need for additional warmth, Sully approached her from behind and draped a blanket around her shoulders, being careful not to jar her injured arm. Just as Sully was turning to go back to the fire, he felt Michaela's hand on his arm and heard a soft, "Thank you Sully." In response, Sully just gave her un-injured shoulder a soft squeeze and left to return to stocking the fire for the night.
Once Sully was satisfied that there was adequate heat emanating from the fire, he poured some coffee which he had set brewing when they arrived back. Handing a cup to Michaela he said, "Here ya go. How's ya arm holdin' up? I can get ya some Laudanum if ya want?" With a gentle smile and a soft caress of Sully's cheek, Michaela simply took the cup and said, "Thank you but I'm fine…just a bit tired that's all."
Surprised at her own words and their hidden meaning, Michaela instantly looked away, a reaction that Sully found endearing. He knew exactly what Michaela was saying, but she just hadn't got the courage to actually verbalise it. Feeling the same burning desire deep within him, Sully decided that he had to get to work with arranging their bedding, so giving Michaela a gentle kiss he said, "Won't be ta much longer…do ya think that ya can hold out a little bit?" When Sully received a nod as his answer, he left to tend to their boudoir.
As Michaela watched Sully retreat to their shelter, she felt herself growing warm with the mere thoughts of what was going to happen. Biologically, yes she knew what happened; however she doubted that this would get her very far tonight. She really knew precious little about the emotions that are tied up in the union of lovers. Her mother had never talked with her about it, and all she knew was what Rebecca had said about doing what feels natural, when Michaela was in Boston on one of her trips home.
What would Sully expect? Would she be able to make him happy and fulfilled? She had no answers for these and countless other questions that were running through her head. She knew that it wasn't unusual to be nervous, or even scared, but one thing was clearer than anything to Michaela, and that was that this was her decision. She trusted Sully implicitly and loved him unconditionally. She knew that tonight was going to be a night to remember and as special as Sully had said. With that final thought Michaela, took a sip from her coffee, awaiting Sully's return and the start of their night of passion…she hoped.
Shortly before nightfall, Sully returned to Michaela's side and knelt in front of her offering her his hand saying, "Are ya ready for bed…I don't know 'bout you but I'm rather tired."
Smiling shyly at Sully's use of her words earlier, Michaela gladly accepted his hand and said quietly, yet from her heart to his "Yes I am very ready for bed…shall we go?"
With that Sully led Michaela towards their shelter…towards what he hoped would be paradise if just for a short while.
As they reached the entrance, Michaela turned to Sully and said in a voice which held so much promise, yet tinged with such naivety, "Just so you know I don't have any regrets…not now…not ever…I love you with all my heart…all my body…and all my soul."
"And I will love ya just the same my dear sweet heartsong." Was Sully's heartfelt reply as he led Michaela into the lean-to where upon he assisted her to sit on one of the blanket-covered logs that he had arranged earlier.
Not quite sure what to do now, but knowing that Sully was probably just as nervous as she was, Michaela decided that the direct approach may be helpful, if not the most romantic. Reaching to take the tie out of her hair, she spoke softly, "Sully…I'm not sure…that is…I don't know what to do?
Although Sully had been married before, he found himself on new territory tonight and was floundering himself as to where to go from here. He didn't want to frighten Michaela, and if he acted on his impulses, that could quite possibly happen. Moving behind Michaela and replacing her hands with his own, Sully began to run his fingers through her beautiful long silky hair, something that he had dreamed of doing since he first laid eyes on her all those years ago.
When a soft moan escaped Michaela's mouth, Sully kissed the side of her neck and whispered in her ear, "Just relax and do what comes naturally and feels right." Taking him at his word, Michaela turned around and reached up to draw Sully's mouth down to meet her wet lips, a task that Sully was only too happy to oblige her with.
Before too long, they were both on the floor and neither appeared to want to release the other. Finally, Sully drew back breathless and said, "Oh Michaela…you're amazin'. I love ya so much that ya will never know…I just don't wanna rush things."
"I love you too Sully…As you said, just do what feels right." Was Michaela gasp-filled reply. She couldn't believe what was happening to her and how much she was actually enjoying it.
As they drew one another into another smouldering kiss, Sully started to undo the buttons on Michaela's blouse, ensuring that his eyes never left her face until she was ready. With no hint of her pulling back, Sully assisted her off with it, taking extra care with her broken arm. Once free from it, and under Sully's eyes for the first time, Michaela tried to turn away, but Sully wouldn't let her.
He had been anticipating that this would be her reaction on more than one occasion tonight. He would continue to reassure and caress until she was ready to move on. Tonight was her night and nothing was going to change that. So as Sully traced his fingers down her bare arms and across her back, he whispered sweet nothings in her ear and she began to relax again.
All of these feelings were just so new to her…and to Sully to some extent. However, Michaela was fast discovering the beginnings of an unlit fire that had just ignited deep within her and it was starting to burn out of control. The heat, which it was emitting, was palpable and Michaela was quickly loosing control over everything.
Reaching for Sully's shirt with her good hand, Michaela attempted to remove it from his buckskins so that she could put her cold hand on his warm heart, and feel the strong rhythm of its love for her. Noting that she was having problems, Sully relieved the frustration and took his shirt off for her.
Looking down, and feeling completely ashamed of the situation, Michaela spoke so quietly that Sully had to lean closer to hear her, "Thank you Sully…I feel so useless…how am I ever going to please you when I can't even do a simple task like removing your shirt?"
Stunned that she should be feeling like that on this most special night, Sully instantly sought to reassure and love by placing soft sweet kisses all over her face, neck and hands. Making her look at him Sully said, "Michaela ya ain't useless. Think of it this way…think of it as me looking out for ya…lettin' ya save ya energy for later."
Sully saw the expression on Michaela's face change from despondency to enlightenment, and knew that he had got his subtle point across. Taking advantage of this, Sully once again began to trail a path of soft sweet kisses along Michaela's neck, down her arms, paying special attention to her broken one as a father would have done a child. When he reached her chest, he glanced up into her eyes for permission to continue. What he saw there was more than permission; it was almost an unspoken plea to rid her of her clothes. The fire that was burning so visibly in her eyes, was nothing compared to what was coursing its way through her body with every kiss and touch that Sully gave.
Before untying the ribbons that held Michaela's camisole together, Sully whispered, "Ya so beautiful and never doubt that." With that said, the passion was unleashed as Sully freed Michaela from her camisole, gently and lovingly. Her skirt soon followed along with his buckskins. All that was left for this most special night were their undergarments.
Again Sully felt the need to slow the pace. Re-positioning himself along Michaela's side, he began a slow torturous pleasure that would give her an idea of what was to come when they became one. Caressing and stroking his way up her body, he paused at her breasts too softly fondle one at a time. When a soft almost animal like moan was heard from Michaela, Sully grinned to himself and wondered what she would do when he increased the pressure and advanced the caresses to kisses.
Pushing himself into a half sitting position, Sully gradually, so as not to alarm Michaela, moved over her beautiful, un-touched body. As he moved, he allowed his hands free reign and felt Michaela writhe under him. He really couldn't believe that she was responding so strongly to him. It seemed to him that her love was limitless where he was concerned and this fact made him desire her all the more. It was just so amazing to him that she seemed to know what to do and how to react despite the fact that she had never been with a man.
As Sully moved, Michaela let her own hand wander of its own accord, but feeling the contours of Sully's muscular physique ripple beneath her palm, spurred Michaela on. She needed more than just to be able to touch him…she needed and wanted to kiss every inch of him.
Just as that thought came into her mind, Sully brought his lips down onto Michaela's stomach for the first time. Her reaction was instantaneous. Sully could tell from the retraction of her skin and the goosebumps that shot to the surface that Michaela was definitely enjoying his ministrations. Feeling her hand grasping his hair, Sully moved his kisses upwards towards her waiting, darkened nipples. Using one hand to steady her, Sully placed the other one on one breast, gently rolling it around his palm. At the same time, he took its twin into his mouth for the first time. Sully's mouth suckled and teased, licked and nibbled his way around her, continually keeping his eyes fixed on Michaela's face. All he could hear were gasps and cries of pleasure as Michaela reacted to this new intimacy. Sully let go and started to take the other into his mouth. Michaela reached out and hoarsely whispered, "Oh Sully…I have never felt so alive…love me my Byron…love me now."
How could he resist such an invitation? He couldn't so seizing Michaela's lips with his for a short, yet passion-filled kiss, Sully uttered the last words that would be spoken tonight, "I've never felt more alive Michaela…you give me the air to breathe…of course I'll love ya my sweet heartsong."
Sully knew that although Michaela was ready emotionally, physically he wanted and needed to give her more pleasure. So, drawing back for the last time he assisted her with removing her pantaloons as he did the same with his own pants. Returning to his prior goal of fondling her breasts Sully kissed and suckled as he had done before, eliciting the same response from Michaela.
This time, however, upon leaving her breast, he didn't return to her luscious lips. This time he continued kissing and caressing his way down her pristine body. When he reached the point of no return, he whispered, "I love ya" and slowly moved his hand towards its goal. With Sully's gentle ministrations Michaela relaxed into this new intimacy. Sully once again placed a hand on her hips to steady her, only then did he allow himself to slowly slide one finger down into the warmth of her folds. Michaela immediately bucked off the bed of furs, not believing this new, wonderful sensation, quickly settling back down, not afraid of verbalising the surging emotions that were running out of control, she cried out her joy.
Just as Michaela neared the peak of her first orgasm, Sully moved over her and prepared for their initial encounter, all the time whispering words of reassurance and love, he entered her. Pain engulfed her senses and she felt that she couldn't hold back from screaming. However, a new, strange sensation flooded her, as she grew wet with Sully's gentle thrusts. She truly felt like she was flying, with the fire still burning strongly, Michaela discovered that her body was reacting of its own volition and meeting Sully's thrusts with her own. Sending Sully reeling from the power of their first encounter.
Flipping Michaela over so she was on top of him, Sully felt so exhilarated and free he had to force himself to calm down for Michaela's sake. With Michaela now positioned safely and securely, he began to slow the encounter down.
Michaela could sense that Sully was trying to restrain himself for her benefit, however that was the last thing that she actually wanted. Now feeling a sense of power in her new position, Michaela leant down, brushing her breasts across Sully's stomach and took one of his desire-darkened nipples into her mouth. She desperately wanted to give Sully the same pleasure that he had given her earlier. When a similar response was heard, Michaela smiled and repeated the process with the other one. Then finding that she could control their union, Michaela placed one hand on Sully's chest, to steady herself and began to push harder and faster. Sending them both into the realms of ecstasy and beyond, They both reached their pinnacles, and the raging flames of passion were doused, for now. Michaela collapsed exhausted, but deliriously happy, onto Sully's chest.
As Sully eased Michaela onto her side, so that she was more comfortable while he reflected on what had just happened. He had always suspected that she would be fiery and passionate when it came to their private moments as she was when it came to their public ones. It seemed to him that he wasn't disappointed. There was no doubt in his mind that she was an amazing woman and he was determined to treasure the love and trust that she had in him.
As their breathing returned to normal, Sully covered them both with a blanket. He softly kissed the top of Michaela's head and whispered in her ear, "Thank you Michaela…I love ya so much. Are ya alright?"
Forcing her eyes open and turning so that she was looking directly into Sully's eyes, Michaela tried to put her thoughts and feelings into words, but she doubted that she would be able to fully express what she really felt, "Sully…that was the most incredible…loving…amazing…thrilling experience that I have ever had. It is I who should thank you Sully, I love you with everything that I have."
Sealing her thanks, with a soft sensual kiss, Michaela lay her head on Sully's chest and was eased off to sleep listening to the sounds of his heart beating strongly for her. With Sully's dream of a reaffirmation successfully complete; their love made stronger and deeper than ever before, Sully closed his eyes, while still holding a protective arm around his beautiful lover, and allowed sleep to claim him as well. Their dreams that night were of better times to come…the children and home.
The End or is it