Hope everyone had a safe and fun holiday! Please enjoy the next chapter, and leave a review telling me your predictions!
Edward leaves after he gets a call from Jasper, and while he uses very clipped, short messages while on the phone, things don't sound great. He says things like "what do you mean" and "that makes no sense" and even "what the fuck".
This time, Edward goes out the front door.
"Make sure you lock this door," Edward tells me, turning abruptly, nearly knocking into me.
"Duh," I tell him.
Something is off, and I can't put my finger on it. Like the butterflies in my belly know something I don't. Edward's height towers over me and I can't stop the burning memory of our kiss from searing through my mind.
The burn of his lips on mine scares me so much that I don't even wait for him to say bye before I close the door and lock up.
The downstairs looks normal. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing new. It's like Aro was never here.
I walk up the stairs and lock my door before calling Alice.
"Spill it," Alice says when she picks up.
I do. I spill everything. I recount the previous night again. Last night I barely gave her the cliff notes version. Tonight, I read the research paper. It starts with Jake picking me up, the laced weed, Edward helping me, Jake bitching out, the ride to Edward's, sitting on the couch with him, the talk on the balcony, the truth about what his kiss did to me, Aro, him following me up to my bedroom, calling me "pretty", and the tears. The release pours out of me and I'm weightless. The butterflies flutter, but it tickles instead of stings.
Alice pretty much bounces over the phone as she eats up every word I say.
"And one more thing," I start.
"There's more? I thought for sure I'd have the most exciting year," she jokes.
"It's a little embarrassing," I preface before taking a breath and explaining that before Jake picked me up, I was touching myself and thought about Edward.
The best thing about Alice is you can say the most shocking thing to her, and she'll use the best logic to create sound reasoning.
"I think it's normal, honestly," Alice says, supportive. But honestly, she'd be supportive if I said I masturbated thinking about Mr. Banner. That's just the kind of friend she is. "No, really, Bella. Think about it. He's this boy that's been in your life forever. First he was your friend, then your enemy, and now he's in between. Plus, there's definitely been some, I don't know, chemistry?" she questions. "Like, I can feel it. Jasper feels it. Everyone feels is but you. Except now maybe you are. I told you before, Bella, Edward feels something for you, I just don't know what that is yet."
"But I don't think I do, so why am I getting off thinking about him?"
She's silent and I wish she was here so I could read her facial expressions.
When she finally speaks, I can tell she holds something back. "I think that something's there and it's just a spark right now. I can feel it. I told Jasper, and he thinks the same."
"Why?"
"I don't know details, but I guess Edward talks about you to Jasper sometime."
"Like what?"
"I don't know, Bells. Jasper doesn't go into detail."
I sigh irritably. I wish she hadn't said that.
"What's the deal with you two?" I ask. "Are you guys together or what?"
"Nope," she says easily.
~!~
Monday I start the job at the library, and it doesn't seem that bad. The librarian is nice, and she lets me decorate the showcase as a "get to know the new employee" theme.
"You can put in some of your favorite books, pictures of things about you, whatever you think represents you. A lot of the patrons look forward to our monthly showcase," she explains.
"Oh, no pressure or anything," I joke but she simply smiles.
I sit at the circulation desk and plan it out.
What represents me?
I make a list of some of my favorite books since that's the easy part.
The Great Gatsby. Anthem. Wuthering Heights. To Kill a Mockingbird. To the Lighthouse. The Sun Also Rises. On the Road. The Scarlett Letter.
I have to stop myself at those or there won't be any room for things about me.
On the computer, I print pictures of a Forks High logo, colleges I've applied, and some of my possible professions: teacher, lawyer, police officer. Honestly, I have no idea, but I think those seem well rounded, right? On the same paper, I make note to bring my favorite picture of Alice and me from my nightstand.
On Tuesday, Jasper and Edward aren't in school. Alice doesn't seem too bothered, but she makes a comment about not knowing it was skip day.
When she texts him at lunch, he never responds.
Wednesday is just as boring as Tuesday. The boys are out again, and Alice seems to be a little more perturbed.
"Did you let you know he was skipping again?" I ask third period.
She shakes her head.
By lunch Alice bites her nails and sits in silence.
"When's the last you heard from him?"
"Monday after school. He said Jake was late on a payment and had to go collect."
I tell her not to worry, and that they're probably just at the shed playing video games. But now that I think about it, I'm not sure I've seen Jasper's car in his driveway for the last few days. He's usually with Alice, so I figured that's all it was. My stomach sinks with worry for boys who aren't even my friends, and my heart hurts for my friend who's not-a-boyfriend boy friend is missing.
I pull out my phone in Science and pull up the text Edward sent from my phone to his.
Cullen.
He has my number, so if anything is wrong, he could always reach out. The more I think, the more moronic that sounds, though. We aren't friends. Our friends are hooking up, and we're simply around each other because of that.
But then I feel his lips on mine and the burn takes my breath away in the best way imaginable.
Work is really busy for a Wednesday.
"We play classic movies after book club," the librarian says as she teaches me how to cut tea sandwiches and fill little dixie cups with fruit punch.
It's mostly old folks, and I enjoy chatting with him about the book they're reading this month.
When I ride my bike home, it's raining, and I note my driveway has been empty for days. It's not unusual for my dad to be gone this long, it happens pretty frequently, but something just doesn't feel right.
The boys aren't there Thursday morning, and I can tell Alice is a ball of nerves. Her hair's in a cute messy bun, and she's wearing a loose sweater. I don't ask her where the boys are because I know she doesn't know, so I hold her hand in mine as we walk past Jasper's locker.
At lunch, though, when I walk in, two misfits sit happily at our table, laughing and smiling like they didn't just worry Alice half to death.
When Alice catches site she sighs and her shoulders finally slump, but she makes absolutely no motion to walk over. In fact, when she gets her tray, she tells me, "I'm going to finish that research paper in the library."
Before I can protest, she turns on her heal and leaves.
I buy a salad and pudding and sit with the boys.
"Where the hell have you guys been?" I ask.
Edward raises a brow and tries to hide his smile and it does something to me that I hate.
Jasper's smirk falls when he looks around. "Where's your girl?"
I shrug because if they're going to hide stuff from me, I'm going to do it right back.
Jasper sighs and rolls his eyes. "We had work shit to do."
My squint tells him to explain but he doesn't, so we sit together in silence.
The salad is dry and boring and tasteless, and I don't even know why I got it.
Edward takes my pudding cup and walks up to the front of the lunch line, pushing past a group of girls who she smile at. He walks behind a wall where the condiments are, and I know what he's doing.
"We had to drive to Fresno for a work thing," he explains plainly.
I scoff and roll my eyes. A work thing.
When Edward comes back, he puts the pudding, piled high with sprinkles, on my tray. In my mouth is thank you but my eyes are still irrationally angry.
"I'm going to go," Jasper says. The screech of metal on linoleum hurts my ears.
He's coming for you I text Allie to give her a heads up. She should be in charge and talk to him when she's ready to.
"Miss us?" Edward asks with a smirk.
My eyes squint as annoyed as I can make them. "No."
His smirk turns into a smile and he looks down, shaking his head.
"Why did he ignore her all that time? The least he could have done was text her back or something."
Edward's lips purse as he thinks. "It was an impromptu trip."
"And he didn't have his phone?"
"No, he did."
I grow angrier with every statement. "Then what the fuck?"
"Woah," Edward teases. "That's no way for a princess to talk."
"Knock it off, Edward! Alice was really scared. She couldn't get ahold of you guys."
"Just Alice?" he challenges.
I swallow the rock in my throat and nod.
"Right," he says like he doesn't believe me.
Silence swallows this table among the chaotic lunchroom as I eat my lunch. Edward looks around and nods or smiles at our peers before it really hits me. Edward and I are the only two sitting at this table. Normally Alice and Jasper would be here, sometimes Ben and whatever girl he's with, but right now it's just the two of us.
Me, Edward, and the eyes of some pretty curious peers.
"Can I borrow your science notes?" Edward asks, routing through his backpack to busy his hands as if he's just noticed the same.
"Uhm, yeah," I tell him quietly, getting mine out and passing to him. "You didn't miss a lot. We read chapters 20 and 21, and we have a test next Thursday."
I watch him nod with no eye contact as I finish my lunch and the chapter in a fiction book I borrowed from the library for an English project.
When the bell rings dismissing us from lunch, Edward stands and asks, "Can I keep this?" referring to my notes. "I haven't copied them all down."
I nod and walk ahead of him.
In science, Edward still works on copying them. We really didn't take that many notes, so I don't know what's taking him so long.
Mr. Banner claps his hands and smiles as the bell rings.
"Our first group project!" he says with a smile. "You'll work in pairs for the next two weeks creating a project on your genetics. Each of you will type up a report discussing your family's genes, then the pair of you will create a Punnett Square determining what your offspring will look like if you were to have any. Some of you will be girl/girl and boy/boy so don't be weird about it," he jokes but rolls his eyes knowing full well a group of seventeen-year-olds will definitely be weird about it.
Mr. Banner goes into more detail as he passes out the paper. The research project scares me a little since I have to discuss the cancer my mom had. It's been so long, but the memories persist like an unhealing wound that hurts the same as it did on day one.
I'm so in my thoughts that it doesn't even register we're pulling sticks to pick partners until Alice pulls Ben and I pull Mike.
Oh my god, no.
I glance at Alice and she's giving me the same eyes. I turn to see Mike, but he's absent and breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe I can get most of the group part done today even if I have to finish it at home.
Edward picks Victoria and his physical response matches my own. She's also absent.
"Since your partners are both out, let's just switch and make you two partners that way you're not catching them up. Sound good?" Mr. Banner asks without even waiting for a response.
Alice's partner Ben asks if I can trade him seats so they can start, and then Edward pushes out the chair for me to join him at his lab table.
He closes my notebook and slides it over.
"Sorry," I tell him.
"For what?" he asks, scrunching his face like he smells something bad.
"For, uh, for this," I gesture between us. "I'm sure you probably would have rather worked with—"
"Victoria? Fuck no. She's about as sharp as a bowl of jello. At least I have a partner who knows what the hell a Punnett Square even is."
My laugh catches me by surprise and when everyone looks, the heat spreads across me. Glancing at Edward, his head is down, lips smirking, as he writes on a notebook paper our names.
Edward Cullen. Isabella Swan.
"Isabella?" I question.
He stops and looks up. "That is your name, isn't it?"
"No one calls me that."
Edward doesn't erase it. In fact, he totally ignores me.
We talk through the rubric and discuss our parts, making a plan for who will do what. There's a large chunk of the project that is a visual representation of the two of us together. The Punnett Square, and what our offspring will look like.
"We can draw a picture?" he suggests, but we shoot it down because that's boring.
"We can cut out pictures from magazines of the traits our kid might have?" I suggest.
He processes the idea and nods. "Like the dominant genes? Eye color, hair color, hair texture, widows peak, freckles, that kind of shit?"
"Yeah, that kind of shit," I tease back with a laugh.
When the bell rings he puts all the paper in his folder, and we walk out into the hall.
"Do you work tonight?" he asks.
"I work every night."
"What time are you off tomorrow?"
"Six."
"Come over after work. We can knock out a lot of the group project and be done early."
His tone gives nothing away. Two months ago, I would have dreaded being paired with Edward, going as far as begging the teacher to get out of it. But it's not two months ago, and I'm trying to move on. His tone still makes me wonder, though, if he's warring with idea of us being partnered.
~!~
Work flies. I finish the showcase, only missing the one picture of me and Allie that I must have misplaced in my room somewhere.
There's a Bingo game going on in one of the board rooms, so I help fill refreshments at the table and change the garbage bags before I leave.
Darkness settles in the parking lot as one of the light bulbs must be burnt out of the light post. It makes unlocking my bike a little more difficult. Something feels off and wrong and icky, so I turn to look but I see nothing. As soon as I get my lock undone, I'm peddling faster than Lance Armstrong, making it home in record time.
The gravel driveway screams in it's emptiness. It's loudness reminds me what's to come when my dad returns.
The lattice creeks as I plant my feet inside the diamonds. When I climb in through my window, I do something I normally don't do. I lock the window.
Everything is as it should be, but something just feels weird. Nothing is amiss. Everything looks the same.
I'm being way too paranoid given the issues surrounding my life, and I chalk it up to that.
My door is still locked. All of my clothes lay unkept on my floor, and my bed is still unmade.
I collect a towel and my phone and head into the bathroom to shower. The steam from the hot water scorches me, but I revel in the release. I lather up my hair in conditioner, apply a facemask, and shave every inch of my body again. Alice told me we should go get waxed, but I'm way too afraid of the pain, so I settle for shaving a few times a week.
When my door is locked, and my curtains are closed, I change into sweats and pile myself under blankets in my bed. The house is cold, but not horribly so.
Turning off the light and grabbing my phone, I see a text from Edward.
I suck at starting conversations.
The simplicity makes me giggle. I see it was time stamped 34 minutes ago.
My phone vibrates in my hand. It's him again. I guess you do too.
My fingers type a quick response. Sorry, I was in the shower.
I'm fucking bored now that Jasper's up Alice's ass all the time.
No, Alice said she wouldn't do that for at least 6 months. I giggle as I press send, thinking about what Alice told me are her rules for anal.
"Wear a condom, no Taco Bell at least two days before, and not until we've been with each other for, like, 6 months," she says one night in the middle of summer.
Oh that's fucking funny, Swan he sends back with a laughing emoji.
That's the extent of our conversation, and but it feels good to be normal.
~!~
It's Friday, and it's rainy, and I slip at the bottom of the lattice when I climb out of my window.
My sweatshirt, soaked with rain, sticks to my back. My hair, straight from the iron I passed through it, waves from the wet drops. My boots, muddy from the worn patch of grass at the bottom of my window, dry cakey during first period.
That's about the only thing that dries though.
At Alice's locker stands Jasper.
"Allie, do you have a hoodie in there? I'm still soaked."
She looks at me with disappointment. "I took it home last week."
"Jasper?" I ask hopeful. I never ask him for anything, but maybe he's got something that'll work in his locker.
"Sorry, Bella," he says shaking his head.
"Shit," I pout, crossing my arms uncomfortably.
"Woah, Princess," Edward teases. "You look like a drown puppy."
That's it. I've had it. Turning on my heel, I march to the bathroom.
"What?" Edward says to Jasper as I walk away. "Puppies are cute, aren't they?"
In the bathroom, I open a stall and sit my ass down. Anxiety builds in me for no reason at all. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and just want to go back home. My shoes have dried, and so has my hair, but heavy fabric weighs on my chest uncomfortably. All I have on is a hoodie and tank, and both are wet.
Second period drags. So does third.
I stop at my locker to grab books for English when hanging on a hook is a Pink Floyd hoodie that I've seen Jasper wear around.
Happily, I grab it and change quickly in the bathroom. Warm cotton surrounds my cold, damp limbs, and it feels so good. Cologne also surrounds me as does boy-heat, warn in cotton, and kindness.
At lunch, Jasper smiles and I thank him for the hoodie.
"That's not mine," he says.
"What?" I ask, looking down at it. "I've seen you wear this a million times."
"No, mine is dark blue. That one's black."
"Oh. Well, whose did you put in my locker?"
Jasper looks at me and scrunches his face with a laugh because I'm just not getting it. "Bella, I didn't put that in there."
"Oh," I stare confused before the pieces connect. "Oh!"
It's Edward's.
"Why did he—?"
Alice looks at me with the happiest I told you so face, and practically bounds in her seat next to Jsaper. At first her reaction makes me laugh, but then I scowl in confusion.
Why did he do this?
My eyes scan the lunch room until I spot penny-brown hair and broad shoulders. Edward sits across the lunch room with Jessica and Lauren flanked at his sides. His arm rests loosely on the back of Lauren's chair, but he's staring at me.
It's blank, and emotionless, and I wish I could just feel him out to know what he's thinking or why he's doing this. This stuff. This everything. This kindness.
I'm about to look away, but I decide if he's going to try, I should too.
When I mouth "thank you", Edward smiles softly and winks before looking away. God, his winks do more for me than Mike ever could, and it makes me feel so freaking weird to admit that.
What's going on with me?
In science, Mr. Banner lets us work in the library and adjoining computer lab to get started on our research project and group work. Edward and I decide to work separately on our individual components and start the group assignment tonight.
I'm pulling up information on cancer when he sits down next to me in the computer lab.
"So, I'll pick you up from work tonight at 6. I'll use my dad's SUV, and we can throw your bike in the back," he says, opening up a webpage about addiction.
"It won't fit in the back," I argue.
"It will."
"How do—"
He stops typing and looks at me. "It will."
I can't do anything but nod. Okay, whatever.
I write down information and sigh over and over, reading deeper into the genetics of cancer and how it works.
When I take a break, Edward's doing the same. He sighs and tugs at his hair, and plays with the pen cap.
ADDICTION reads in big, bold letters at the top of the webpage.
"Who's addicted?" I ask before thinking.
"Me."
I guess it makes sense. He does drugs and he drinks a lot, but I don't think I'd necessarily label him an addict, and I sort of hate that he's doing it to himself.
"Bells going to ring," I say, noticing the time. Finishing up my notes, I tuck everything into my folder and into my backpack. "I guess I'll see you tonight."
"Later," he says.
~!~
The rain has stopped so riding to work isn't so bad. Mrs. Copeland compliments me on my showcase and smiles at my literary picks. We talk about how long she's been a librarian as she teaches me to put books away.
Turns out, she has two masters and a PhD, but she's technically supposed to be retired.
Mrs. Copeland invites me into her office and shows off pictures of her grandkids and beams at how well they can read.
When I ask why there isn't more push for a kid's section, she shrugs.
"Lack of funding, no interest, few staff," she rattles off.
A few patrons come and go while I'm finishing math homework at the circulation desk. It's nearing six, and a very familiar looking couple come in.
Dark olive complexion, jet black hair slicked into a ponytail, and beaty eyes look around. The girl on his arm stands tall and bored. Her boxed, blonde hair reflects yellow under fluorescent lights, and she pops her gum loudly.
"What are we doing here?" she whines as I hide under the desk, making my way to edge before scurrying behind a bookshelf.
"Checking something out for my dad," he says in an annoyed tone.
Heavy boots fall across old maroon carpeting until he's checked almost all the book aisles and behind the desk.
"It's a dead zone and a Friday night. Let's go, baby," she purrs, kissing his neck.
He looks around one final time before throwing an arm around the girl and heading out the way he came.
As soon as I hear boots hitting the linoleum in the hall, I dive for my phone in my bag.
"Bella, I'm here," Edward says after the first ring.
"So is Cas!" I whisper-yell.
Edward's silence scares me a little. "Stay there until I call you," he says before hanging up.
It's 5:51 now, and I start packing up my stuff, hoping he calls soon. At 6:02, I clock out and wish Mrs. Copeland a nice weekend. At 6:07, Edward walks through the doors of the library.
"Coast is clear, come on."
"You could have just called," I tell him, grabbing my stuff and trying to match his speed but my short legs don't work as well as his long ones do.
When we make it to the car, I remember my bike.
"I'll go get my—"
"It's already in the back," he says.
"How did you know my combination?"
"When 1, 2, 3 didn't work, I tried 3, 2, 1."
My cheeks blossom with warmth. I knew I should have changed that combination. Edward's chuckle eases me a little.
In the car, he turns on my seat warmer. "I want to see something really quick. You have time?"
"Uhm, yeah?"
He calls Jasper and puts it on bluetooth in the car.
"Sup, dude?" Jasper answers.
"Yo, I'm picking up Swan from work and guess who the fucks there?"
"Uhm, you? Why are you picking her up?"
"We're working on a project for school, but—"
"On a Friday night?"
"Yeah."
"Interesting. Babe, Edward's picking up Bella from work right now," Jasper calls.
"Babe?" I question with a laugh. "Wooooow. And you guys aren't a couple, right?"
"Oh, hey, Bella," Jasper says.
"Anyways, listen dick. Cassius was there."
There's a period of silence before Jasper responds. "Why?"
"That's what I'm going to find out right now."
"What are you doing?"
"Looking for Aro. I think Cas is doing his bidding. Keeping tabs on Bella," Edward answers, looking over at me.
I can't help but put my lip between my teeth and bite hard to feel anything but the sting of my fear ride through my veins.
"Doesn't add up. Let me get my dick wet and I'll be over—"
"No, it's cool," Edward says, blowing out a breath. "I'll catch up with you tomorrow for runs."
"Alright, later."
Edward ends the call without saying goodbye.
"Where are we going?"
He looks over at me and says, "Your house to see if he's there."
"And if he's not?"
"His house."
"Edward, what?" I ask, panicking. "Why?"
"I need to know what the fuck he wants."
I roll my eyes and shake my head. "If he's not at my house, I want you to drop me off. I'm not going to his house."
Edward's quiet on the way to my house, and when the driveway is empty, he shuts the car off.
"Fuck," he whispers, rubbing his forehead.
"Did you want him to be here?" I ask.
"It would make things easier."
"Why do you need to find him?"
"I just do," he says after a minute of silence.
Edward helps me out with the bike and puts it against the side of the house.
"I'm with Jasper all day tomorrow, but maybe we can do the project Sunday," Edward says, but all I can see is the window in my bedroom open when I know I shut it this morning.
"That good with you?" he asks when I don't answer.
My chest starts to rise and fall and when tears prick my eyes, I look over at Edward.
"What?" he asks, knitting his brows together and walking closer.
I point up. "My window was shut this morning."
Edward stares up and swallows before climbing up the lattice quickly and jumping through the window. I follow him up, too scared to be left down below. Inside, everything looks normal.
"You're sure you shut it?" he asks quietly when I sit on my bed.
I nod slowly. "Yeah because it was raining. I remember my finger slipped and I almost broke this nail," I tell him, showing my middle finger innocently.
He cracks the smallest smile, but I can't help my break down.
I'm beaten down and scared and I just want to be normal.
"I'm so scared," I cry softly, covering my hands over my face.
Edward sits next to me, his shoulder touching mine, until I stop.
"Bella, I don't know what I can say to make it better."
I shake my head. "You can't," I tell him. "I should just fucking let him do it and get it over with."
"Hey," he says angrily, yanking my arms down from my face. "Don't ever say that."
Tears fall slippery down my wet cheeks as I shake my head.
"You know what happens when you say that? He wins. They all win. That what you want?" he asks heatedly.
"What can I do? I'm helpless."
"The last thing you are is helpless, Swan."
Edward pulls me up and stands a foot taller but he's safe, I think. His fingers move slowly to my cheeks, and the backs of his pointer and middle finger wipe wetness off my face in the nicest way an ex-bully can. Compassion shows in his eyes and his worry lines.
"If you can survive me, you can survive anyone," he says painfully.
We look around, making sure everything is okay. Nothing is taken, nothing is touched. The door is still locked, and the towel still rests on the doorknob. Everything is so normal, in fact, that I'm wondering if I even did shut my window this morning.
But I know I did, and that's the rock in my stomach. That's the reason I follow Edward down the lattice. That's the reason I go with him.
I'm too scared to be alone.
"Aro has two houses," Edward says, starting his dad's SUV as we buckle up. "One in Port Angeles and one in Brinnon."
"Two so close together?" I ask. "Why?"
"That's a good fucking question. Wanna find out?" Edward asks with a look of sin and an arched brow.
I nod slowly even though I'm scared shitless.
Twenty minutes into our trip, and all the small talk conversation gone, Edward pulls into a McDonalds.
"I haven't eaten all fucking day. You hungry?" he asks.
I nod as he pulls through to the speaker.
"Can I get a number 7 large with a Coke, a 10 piece with extra ranch, and an oreo Mcflurry. Bella, what do you want?" he asks honestly.
I thought we'd just share, but when he looks at me like hurry up I blindly say, "Number 7, no pickles, diet Coke."
He relays my message into the speaker, and the lady gives the total. After rooting around in my bag, I find a ten dollar bill and hand it to him, but Edward's already handing the cashier two twenties.
"Keep it," he says as I wave the wrinkled bill in his face. "You can buy me something at the diner next time."
When we get our food, Edward pulls into a parking spot, and I give him a curious glance.
"Am I supposed to stuff my face and drive at the same time?" he asks like I'm dumb with a mouthful of French fries.
"Did you hear Jasper call Alice 'babe'?" I ask, biting into my sandwich.
I'm really glad he stopped. I didn't know how hungry I was until the food hit my tastebuds.
"He says that shit all the time. What freaks me out the most is he says sometimes they just fucking lay there in bed."
"Lay there?" I question.
"Yeah, like lay in bed. Together. On top of the covers. Doing nothing."
"Alice told me that, too."
"J doesn't do that shit. He doesn't spend time with girls he isn't fucking."
"He spends time with me."
"You're different by association," he says.
I drop it because I don't even think he knows what he's saying with a moutful of chicken, two French fries, and now a spoonful of ice cream.
After I eat half of my sandwich, unable to stomach a chicken sandwich and the way anxiety feels in my stomach, I wrap up the rest.
"You're done?" he asks.
"Yeah."
"Give me that," he says with a roll of his eyes, taking a big bite where my mouth just was.
Then I remember the kiss. Then I remember his lips. Then I remember the sear. Then I remember the flutters in my stomach and through my arms and out my skin.
My fingers curl and my nails etch into my palm. Edward balls up the garbage and throws it in the garbage can just outside his door. As he turns, his broad shoulders pulls his shirt up a little, and the thickness of his core and red boxers show. He's solid, thick, fit.
"You ate like 3 meals. Where do you put it all?" I ask. It's not fair.
He smirks. "Fast metabolism."
"Is that a dominant or recessive gene? Because mine is super slow," I say, grabbing a roll over my jeans. "Our kid is going to be screwed with my genes."
Edward doesn't say anything which makes it weird. Should I have not made the joke? I said kid, maybe I should have said potential offspring like Mr. Banner has been saying. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything at all. I showed him my roll, but everyone has a fat role. Even Alice has one! The onslaught of anxiety and intrusive thoughts rolls one after another in my head. Why did I say that?
"Let's play 21 questions," he says.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I ask, "How do you play?"
He looks at me like I'm kidding. "You ask 21 questions, Bella."
Nodding, I start. "What's your favorite color?"
"Blue. Do you have any tattoos?"
"No, I'm only seventeen," I remind him.
"And?"
I shake my head. "What's your favorite tattoo?"
"I'll show you later. Favorite movie?"
"Forrest Gump. Who was your first kiss?"
"You. Who was your second?"
"Edward we were like seven, that doesn't count."
"It does. Who was your second?"
"James in seventh grade at a pep rally. I think it was by accident though. He leaned in to whisper in my ear because it was so loud, but I did the same, and our lips sort of touched."
Edward laughs truer than I've ever heard, and it sounds natural.
"Favorite ice cream topping?" I ask.
"Sprinkles. Who was your third kiss?"
"Edward," I complain but he smirks. "Mike," I tell him, rolling my eyes.
"Mike?" he asks. "How many times did you hook up with that fucking dud?"
To avoid having to say just those few times this year, I try and conjure up a shocking question.
"How old were you when you lost your virginity?"
"Fourteen. You?"
"Edward, you can't ask me the same questions I ask you. That's a rule."
He rolls his eyes and says, "you're boring. New rule. You only get one veto, so use it wisely. How far did you really go with Jake?"
"Why does it matter?"
"Are you using the veto already?"
I huff and cross my arms. "Uhm, we kissed that night we met at Jasper's. The night I hurt my hand. He, uhm…" I pause, not really wanting to say blatantly what he did. "He made it to second base."
"What the fuck is that? Heavy petting?" Edward asks.
"Yeah."
"Jesus, you said—"
"I lied. My turn. Why did you really not stop Tanya when you noticed me at the party."
"I already told—"
"Are you using the veto already?" I ask, throwing his words back at him.
Edward's quiet for a minute as he thinks. It's a little awkward, but I'm not breaking first. This was his idea.
"There's something wrong with me," he jokes, shaking his head. "I have a really…" Edward sighs and breaths. "I'm very…" he tries again but fails. "My sexual preferences are very particular."
"What does that even mean?" I ask.
"I like to be in control constantly. Maybe it's because I couldn't control a lot of my childhood and my feelings and my mom's death… or so my therapist says. So I think I control that aspect of my life so much because of that. Being in control makes me very—" Edward stops short and shakes his, but he's opening up and I don't want to stifle him.
"Makes you very what, Edward?"
We pull up alongside a house and park.
"Being in control makes me very hard," he finishes, watching my reaction.
It's the last thing I thought he'd say, and I don't know how to respond appropriately, so I clear my throat and look around.
"We're here," he says. "The house on the right with the white picket fence is Aro's. The car in the driveway is his daughter's, but it doesn't look like he's home."
I nod slowly. "How old's the daughter?"
"Nineteen."
"Nineteen and he still sexually assaults girls? What a bastard," I spit.
"Yep. His other house in Brinnon is for tax purposes, I think. I've only ever been twice, and it was used to hold meetings."
"What kind of meetings do you go to with him?"
"Meetings with his boss about distribution. It's run like a chain business. Think of Walmart. There are corporate offices, divisions, regions, districts, and stores, right?" he asks, looking to see if I'm following. When I nod, he continues. "Jasper and I are the district managers for the region. We cover Forks and two hours either way. Jake and a few others are store managers. Aro is the regional manager. His boss is the divisional president. His boss's boss is corporate."
"Oh," I say, following along with his cut and dry picture nicely.
"And you don't want to piss off corporate."
"Did you ever meet corporate?"
He nods. "This week."
My eyes grow large. "Why?" I ask, scared for the answer.
"Issues in the districts stemming from the regional manager," Edward finishes. "Aro's causing waves by making and distributing shit with your dad. Corporate isn't a fucking idiot. They're billionaire drug lords. Aro's the only fucking idiot in this scenario."
"So, what did you and Jasper do when you went there?"
Edward's silence makes me uneasy, but then he sighs and answers, "they just wanted some brief answers to questions. Mostly about sales and numbers in our area."
"Couldn't they have called? That seems like a pretty far drive just for numbers."
He glances at me curiously. "We had to pick up product as well."
"How much do you make?" I ask bluntly.
"A week or a month?"
"Uhm, a week I guess."
"Right now, dealing just grass and sometimes pills or powders at parties, our cut is usually about fifteen hundred each."
I choke on the mouthful of diet Coke. "Fifteen hundred?" I question to make sure I got it correct.
He smiles a laugh and nods.
"Jesus. Are you hiring? I'd be able to save for an apartment next year in no time."
"No, Bella."
"It was joke dumbass. I know you'd never hire a little princess girl like me," I tease with an eyeroll. I'd never want to do what he does. So why am I so mad?
Probably because he's making so much money and I'm not.
I'm jealous.
"Not because of that," he says. "You're too good to be dealing with the low life, scumbags we deal with every fucking weekend."
I blow air from my lips in irritation.
"I deal with losers like your dad every other day. I sell them bottles of pain pills and it's gone in two days. I couldn't even imagine what would happen to you if you went to sell."
"I'd be fine," I say, defending myself.
"You'd get eaten alive," he says. "They'd take one look at you and put their dirty, disgusting fingers in places you'd never want them touching. These people are the scum of the earth, Bella. I know you're strong, but some of these losers make even me uncomfortable."
I cross my arms, angry for no reason other than Edward trying to protect me. I don't need protection from him.
"But fine, if you want to find out I'll bring you to the next party I supply and split the earnings, but you're going to have to work it yourself."
"When?" I ask, nervous. The idea intrigues me, but also disgusts me. Do I want to do this? Can I do this? Will Edward throw me to the wolves? What if something happens?
"Next Saturday."
"How much will we make?"
Edward shrugs. "Depends. Sometimes you have to upsell and hustle hard for the cash, other times they flock to you. I've never sold with a chick before, though. It might benefit you to let Alice dress you up or some shit."
I nod because that makes sense. High school boys might be more attracted to a hot a girl than some guy. I'll have to ask Alice to make me as good looking as she can.
"So you have to be a salesman?" I ask, thinking about all of Edward's statement.
Edward nods.
"And you'll split the money with me?"
"Fifty-fifty after I pay Aro his portion. You should get your cut the following weekend," he answers.
I hold out my pinky.
"Don't you believe me?" he asks looking from my pinky to my face back to my pinky before finally crossing mine with his and gripping it.
"I do now."
~!~
We arrive at Aro's second home a little while later. It takes Edward forty-five minutes to remember where the entrance to the driveway is, and then we park and walk up the hill to the mansion.
Fifteen minutes into the uphill walk, I pant, "how much longer?"
"Come on, Swan, your legs should be solid muscle from all the climbing going up to your window."
"Yeah," I agree, "but I make up for it with McDonalds, and cookies, and strawberry milkshakes."
We finally reach the top of the hill and a dark house greets us.
"He has cameras that pick-up movement starting at the tree line, so don't get too close," Edward warns.
I follow him around the side to the back where a two story deck hangs off the side of the mountain.
"This is safe over here. Come on, I'll show you the best spot," he says, pulling on my sleeve.
We climb down the hillside where steps are carved in. Edward uses the flashlight on his phone so we don't fall. When we make it down, Edward sits on the swaying dock back far enough so his feet don't touch the water.
"I bet this is beautiful in the daylight," I half joke. But even now, I can tell it's gorgeous. Leaning back, I can see the treetops and the skyline meet. Twinkling stars and swaying limbs glide together easily.
We sit for a while enjoying the ease and peace of late-night nothingness.
"There are no houses within 10 miles either way, so it's totally secluded back here," he says.
"That's good and bad," I tell him.
"Now you're starting to get it," he says with a nod.
When it gets too cold, and my chattering becomes too loud, Edward stands to leave. There's a longer but easier route around the mountain that sets us back thirty minutes, but it saves my thighs from screaming up those steps in the mountain.
Inside the car, he blasts the heat and waits for a while, hand against his head, resting on the glass window.
"If he wasn't at my house, or his house, or this house, where is he?" I ask Edward.
It takes him awhile to answer. "I have no idea."
~!~
Edward pulls back onto the road around one in the morning. It took him a while to get service for his GPS, and we made three wrong turns. Edward's annoyed, I can tell. Actually, I think anyone could tell. He huffs and mutters under his breath, and presses really hard on the button when he thinks I'm not looking. It's pretty funny, and I have to keep from laughing by biting my lip.
Just after 1:15, Victoria calls. He lets it go to voicemail and two minutes later she calls again.
"Answer it," I tell him with a smile.
"Fuck no."
"It'll be funny. Answer it."
"No."
She calls back three minutes later and I reach across to the screen and press the green answer button. Edward shoot daggers at me.
"What?" he says into the microphone.
"Edward!" Victoria screams in excitement. "Where are you baby?"
"Out."
"Come get me. I wanna show you something."
"I've seen it before, Vickie."
I can't help the snort that comes out of my mouth, and before I can cap it with my hand, she hears.
"Who are you with?" Victoria asks.
"No one," Edward answers.
"You tell your little bitch—"
"Knock it off, Vic," Edward says.
"How could you?" she whines.
Edward takes a breath, and I can tell he's trying hard to restrain himself. "I already told you, Vickie. We were never together. If I want to fuck the shit out of a cute brunette's pussy, nothing and no one will stop me."
Edward angrily presses the red end button and sits back seething.
"Fuck she's annoying," he says. "I don't know how many more fucking times I can tell her."
I bite my lip and nod in agreeance.
"She's going to know it was me," I tell him quietly.
"What? How?"
"Well, you described the imaginary girl as brunette, and I'm brunette. I'm, like, the only brunette girl who's been hanging around you. And we just got paired up in science, so…"
He looks taken aback. "You're not the only brunette."
Edward sits and thinks for a minute.
"There's Lauren, too," he reminds.
"Lauren's hair is auburn red, Edward."
"The shit is brown."
Shaking my head with a laugh, I tell him, "look closer next time you see her. It's red."
"How much you want to bet it's brown? I'll call J right now and he can confirm as a third party."
After thinking a minute or two about just how red Lauren's hair is, I confidently say, "Name it."
Edward turns to me with a slow smirk. "If Jasper says her hair is brown you can't say no to me for twenty four hours. If he says it's red then I can't say no to you for twenty four hours."
I'm so sure of myself that I agree, already thinking of the mean and dumb stuff I'm going to make Edward do knowing he can't say no. Walk around on his hands, tell Jasper to just ask Alice to be his girlfriend, drive me wherever I want to go, rent me a hotel room for myself so I can go swimming, buy me a car… okay, the last one might be a little too much, but I'm still going to try.
Suddenly, Jasper's voice picks up on the other end.
"Yeah?" he answers.
"Bella and I are trying to settle an argument," Edward says, glancing over at me.
"You're still with Bella?" Jasper asks.
"What color hair does Lauren have?"
Jasper's quite for a second before answering. "You called at one thirty in the morning to ask what fucking color hair Lauren has?"
"Yeah, what color?"
"I don't know, it's like a red-brown, right?"
I'm about to do a victory dance but Edward cuts me off.
"No, pick a color, J. Describe it in one color."
"Brown."
"Thanks, dude," he says with a laugh, hanging up.
"No way!" I protest. "No fucking way!"
"Tsk-tsk, Bella," he laughs excitedly.
"He said red-brown!"
"His final answer was brown."
My arms cross against my chest. "No way, Edward."
"Don't be a sore loser, Swan. I'll let you know when I pick the day."
I whine and slump in my chair, pouting like a child. "What are you going to make me do?" I ask.
"I'll tell you one thing if you tell me one thing you were going to make me do if you won."
"I was going to make you buy me a hotel room for the night so I could swim and relax and—" breathe, be safe, not worry I think but don't say.
"I'm going to make you dress up in a maid costume and clean my room."
"I am not doing that!" I warn him.
He laughs and shakes his head. "We'll see."
"Ugh!"
~!~
We're quiet for twenty minutes, and as my eyelids grow heavy, Edward asks, "what school did you apply to?"
"A couple, but I'm leaning mostly towards the University of Washington," I answer, assuming he's back to playing the game. "When did you start therapy again?" I ask, remembering our conversation from hours ago when he used present tense about what a therapist said about the reason he likes sexual control.
"Veto," he says quietly, glancing at me briefly. "For now."
I nod slowly in understanding. He's not ready.
"What's your biggest worry right now?"
"What my dad will do when he gets back from wherever he is," I answer honestly.
"What do you think will happen?" he asks.
My loud sigh relaxes me, making it easy to open up. "Anytime he goes on a bender, he comes home black out and hateful. He almost always hurts me."
Edward sits stoic and I feel like I shared too much.
"Call me next time," Edward answers.
"What are you going to do?"
"Fuck him up."
I shake my head. "I'm not calling you then."
"Bella."
"Do you know how much worse that would make it?"
His sigh is irritated and angry.
"Fine. Call me and I'll pick you up. I'll take you to Alice's, or the playground, or wherever the fuck you think is safe."
"How can I trust you?" I ask.
Edward lets go of the steering wheel and offers me his pinky. "If you call me and ask for a ride, I won't even get out of my car."
Looking at his finger and then his face, I'm more than hesitant. I've never leaned on anyone in these moments, not even Alice. Why all of a sudden would I lean on Edward of all people? Nervous excitement floods my veins. I'm right on the cusp of something.
"Let me help you," he says. "Please."
Slowly I reach over and wrap my pinky around his.
"Okay."
~!~
I fall asleep shortly after and wake as Edward pops open my door.
"You have to be quiet," Edward whispers, helping me out of the SUV.
It doesn't register this is Edward's house until we're going up the steps and I see his leather couch in his room. I should tell him to take me home, that I'll be okay, that he doesn't have to worry… but I don't.
This house is warm and quiet and soft like a home should be. There's no looming fear of hurt, there's no anxiety of being heard, there's no worry of a drug lord breaking in.
"Take the bed," he whispers, "but be quiet because my dad's home tonight."
"You take it. I'll sleep on the couch," I tell him.
Edward rolls his eyes, fluffs the pillows, and sits on the bed. He pats the spot next to me and we both lay back in the darkness.
"This is weird," he whispers.
"Yeah," I agree, glad I'm not the only one thinking it.
His laugh sets me at ease.
"I think it's your turn," he says quietly.
"My turn?"
"To ask a question," he clarifies. "I think I asked the last one."
"Oh, uhm," I say with a pause, trying to think of anything. "What's your favorite memory?"
He doesn't speak but I feel the bed bend as he rolls onto his back and sighs. He doesn't answer for a lengthy amount of time and I wonder if he's over it, but then his lips part and he starts.
"I forget how old I was, but my mom was driving me to school. This was right after your mom told mine about her cancer. She looked at me and said, 'storms are the birthplace of rainbows.' I didn't really know what that meant until I saw one on the day of her funeral."
Edward sits up, leans over to turn his lamp on, and takes off his shirt. Just before I open my mouth to say anything, he turns, revealing the side of his ribs to me. Colorful ink spells out Esme. Red. Yellow. Green. Blue. I've never seen this one before. Maybe because I wasn't looking for it, maybe because it's colored gently with ink. My fingers itch to touch the permanent rainbow he etched into his skin, but I don't.
"I told you earlier I'd show you my favorite tattoo," he says softly, leaning back over to shut off the light.
Squinting, I try to study the rest of his inked skin, but the light is gone before I can.
"What do you miss most about your mom?" he asks quietly. His voice sounds afraid because this is extremely uncharted waters. Our barely revived friendship doesn't mean we can ask each other the most hurtful questions of them all.
But they're not hurtful, I don't think. They're cathartic, and intense, and beautiful. These questions give us a reason to talk about the hurt, and pain, and wonder of our mothers like we couldn't do six years ago. These are questions Alice can ask, but they don't mean the same.
"I miss all her recipes," I say honestly.
"You cook?" he asks.
"Well, I mean, I'd like to. I can't really cook, or, uhm, do anything like that at my house because of…" but I trail off before finishing that sentence.
"Cook here," Edward says simply, and my scoff comes way too quickly. "I'm serious. My dad's idea of dinner is ordering in from the diner four times a week. He'd fucking love a home cooked meal."
"That's nice Edward, but I don't even have my mom's old recipe book." I don't tell him that I'm not coming here and cooking anything because that's really weird, right?
"Where is it?"
"I don't know. It was in the attic at our old house, but when she died, my dad moved all the stuff of hers from the attic to the shed, and I don't even know if he took those boxes when we moved. The new owners probably threw everything from the shed away. I'm sure it's long gone." The idea makes me sad. The recipes were my mom's and grandmother's, and if I spend any more time thinking of another way my dad fucked up, I might just do something that will get me hurt later, so I drop it and move on. "Why did you really break up with Victoria?"
Edward scoffs now and I can feel the pillow next to mine move as he shakes his head. "She was getting too serious. The Vickie I know—knew—isn't the girl she portrays herself as. She's broken, and hurt, and fragile just like the rest of us, but she puts on a front, a tough girl exterior, and she plays the part. It just became too fucking much, though. After the threesome, shit got too intense, and I had to dip."
Edward's honesty surprises me. "Threesome, huh?"
He chuckles in disgust. "It was a momentary lapse in judgement."
"Why's that?"
"It ruined whatever friendship Vic and I had. It's like after she saw me railing another girl, she had to overcompensate by trying to be my girlfriend or something."
I nod slowly. "Oh."
"Sorry. That's too much."
"No," I begin. "You're just unashamedly honest, and I'm not used to that."
"Fuck, I'll try not to be."
"No, no. I like it. It's very… refreshing."
"Okay," he says quietly.
"What's the worst your dad has hurt you?" he asks quietly after a few minutes of silence.
The question falls on me like a heavy rain drop. Tonight, I've opened up about way too much, and it was cathartic, but this question is too much. My heart increases in speed and size as it swells inside. Breathing becomes more difficult. It's dark, and my eyes are closed, but the room spins around me.
"Veto," I manage to whisper, rubbing my throat for air.
Edward seems to understand. I can feel his nod next to me, and he doesn't push. Thankful that he backs off, I pull the covers down and climb in.
I'm tired, and we stop talking after the last question, so I sort of fall in and out of sleep. At one point I wake up and look over to see Edward on his phone, laying on the couch. A small hmph comes out of my mouth before pulling up the blanket and falling back to sleep.
Strange isn't the word I'd use to describe what it's like falling asleep on Edward's bed, but maybe safe is.
