~!~
"Did you screw him or what?" Alice whispers behind the menu at the diner.
I peak over with a giggle and see Edward with a smile talking to Jasper.
"No, of course not!"
"Could have fooled me," Alice tease with a wink.
Between strawberry milk and fluffy waffles, my belly fills and I'm satisfied. The boys have to work tonight, and there's a rock in my belly, but I ignore it as much as I can.
Edward gets all weird, and I don't hear from him until he shows up in my room later. My fear almost kicks him in the balls.
But then he's pushing me down onto his huge erection and feeding me lines I know I've heard him say in my fantasies.
I hear them over and over the next few days.
Whispering around me as I walk to class. Spilling from his eyes as he stares at lunch. Emanating from his fingertips as he types a text to me.
His fingers float around me and in me as I lay in bed Wednesday night. So badly I hoped he'd come to me. He's supposed to be the insatiable one, not me.
I can't help but close my eyes and drift asleep thinking of the warmth of his limbs around me.
~!~
The next morning I'm awake too early, but that's okay. It gives me time to get ready.
I straighten my hair and curl my lashes and paint a berry pink stain onto my lips and cheeks.
My mom definitely blessed me with radiant skin, and I'm forever glad.
Now to pick out an outfit.
My fingers skim the unworn clothes in my closet. Some from Alice, most from Goodwill, but one in particular from Edward.
I pull out the creamy white sweater dress and smile into it before calling the one person who I know can help complete this outfit.
She shows up right on time.
The dress sits warmly on my thighs, but I don't want to show too much skin, so I asked her to bring me some leg warmers that I can pair with the boots I have.
But what she brings me is way more than I asked for.
"Alice, I can't wear this?"
"And why not?"
I look at her like she's crazy. "These are way too sexy."
In my hand are a pair of thigh high socks.
"They're trendy, Bella. Go change." Alice points to the shed as Jasper emerges.
He smells earthy and skunky, and I know he's been smoking.
Inside the shed, I begrudgingly pull the socks up my legs, covering the skin, and pull down my dress. I guess it doesn't look too bad. I zip my boots back up and head out to Alice who's pushed against the car with Jasper's lips on hers.
"Ready?" I ask.
"Yowza," Jasper laughs with a smirk. "Nice."
He never gives me compliments. He never gives compliments, so this makes me blush all over.
On the ride over, I toy with the hem of the dress and press against the skin that pokes out between the edge of the sock and the end of the dress.
Alice's dad dropped off all the ingredients yesterday so we wouldn't have to today. They went to some country club for an indoor golf thing. I don't know. I guess that's what rich people do on holidays.
Jasper takes the steps two a time to Edward's room as Alice and I get started.
She pulls the disgusting guts from the inside the turkey, opens the skin from the meat, and shoves butter and herbs inside.
"This is going to be so juicy," she explains.
I help her by cleaning as she goes. Alice is a mess maker for sure, so with me trailing behind her, it's not so bad during our breaks.
I peel apples and make dough and let everything rest in the fridge.
Just in time to hear two very delinquent boys padding their way down the stairs.
"Allie, come here," Jasper calls from the hallway. She goes extremely willingly, and now it's just me and Edward.
"Hey," he smiles, walking over.
His hand finds it's way around my neck to my nape and grips my hair. Strong arms grip my hips and lift, setting me on the counter easily, like I'm made of paper. He pulls me towards him.
Edward's in all black.
Black jeans, black t-shirt, black ink.
He looks so good it hurts.
"You look…" he starts, pulling away to drink me in. His hair sits wet on his head. He must have just gotten out of the shower. "Damn."
He fingers the thin belt around my waist, the hem of my dress, and snaps the top of the thigh high sock.
"I need to see you in only these later," he smiles devilishly, concocting in his mind something devious.
"I hope you're hungry," is all I can manage.
He laughs a little and nods. "Oh, I am."
His wink flutters into my core.
~!~
Dr. Cullen carves the turkey while my friends set the table.
I wait sort of impatiently for him to be done. I'm freaking hungry and the mashed potatoes I made look so divine.
"I want to thank you for coming, Isabella."
"Just Bella," I remind him. "Thank you for inviting me."
He smiles and nods. "And I also want to thank you for your graciousness towards my son. I know he hasn't always been the kindest to you ever since…" he trails off and looks around. We're still alone. "But he's somehow managed to come back to you. I don't know if it's a coincidence or if you have something to do with it, but Edward has been making strides the last month or two. Something tells me I should be thanking you."
"Thanking me?" I ask incredulously.
"Yes. For your acceptance and forgiveness of my son. And for challenging him when everyone else was too afraid. Don't be afraid to put him in his place. God knows he needs it."
"Dad, let's go. We're hungry as fuck over here," Edward calls from the dining room.
Dr. Cullen straightens and shakes his head.
"My son the sailor," he jokes.
I take the plate of turkey carvings and place it on the table.
Edward and Jasper dig in, loading their plates full, overflowing everything with gravy. My mom had the best recipe. I so wish I had her cookbooks. It's like my dad couldn't wait to forget about her, so he threw all her stuff away while I was deep in the waves of grief.
Yet another reason my dad sucks.
Alice clears her throat as Jasper picks up his fork to shovel in a mouthful.
"Let's go around and say what we're thankful for!"
"Alice," Edward starts, his fork tings against the expensive porcelain plate.
"It'll be fun! I'll start. I'm thankful that I'm friends with the best," she glances at me with a smile, "and the worst," she winks at Jasper, "of Forks."
Her dad rolls his eyes. "Yes. Thankful for that." Jasper scoffs and clears his throat. "I'm thankful for family," he says.
Jasper's next. "I'm thankful for the girls who made this delicious dinner."
Me. "I'm thankful for the opportunities I'm given. And for my friends who know and understand me."
Alice's smile brightens her whole face. She is one of the best, brightest lights that's ever shone in my life.
Edward sort of shakes his head with a smirk. "I'm thankful for socks."
Dr. Cullen catches on right away. His thick hair isn't slicked back like normal, but he's still handsome as hell. "Oh yeah? Then why aren't you wearing any?"
Edward looks straight at his dad with the most confidence. "I didn't say whose socks."
His dad stares him down and there's a warning behind their banter, but Alice's dad laughs and we move along to Dr. Cullen.
"Like Bella, I'm thankful for the opportunities given to me in life. I'm thankful for my son and his determination as of late. And I'm thankful he'll be attending the University of Washington next fall."
"Nice, dude," Jasper says with a nod. He's genuinely happy.
Alice smiles a congratulations.
Mr. Brandon and Dr. Cullen grip Edward's shoulders as men do when they're proud.
But his eyes are on me.
There's no smile. There's no light. There's nothing.
I'm not sure what he was expecting, and confusion all but drags me into his ocean deep but stone cold eyes.
"That's so awesome, Edward," I say genuinely. He should know, after everything we've discussed, how exciting this is. "You should be really proud."
He blinks slowly and looks down. Long, thick lashes cover the emotion his eyes were finally starting to show.
"Can we eat now?" he asks, snapping back and picking up his fork.
Alice next to me sets her hand on my thigh and squeezes gently.
"He wants to be good for you," she whispers so quietly while her dad and Dr. Cullen talk about football.
"Huh?"
"I can feel it. He's afraid of disappointing you."
I pull back like she's nuts because she is. How could she know that or suspect that or— "Alice, you're being—"
"Bella, can you pass the potatoes?" Edward asks. He's listening. He knows.
His fingers touch mine as I pass him the platter, and when I look over his features go from serious as a heart attack to soft and playful.
"White's a good color on you," he says quietly as the adults leave to check the score of the game. Cheering from two pretty toasted men fills the dining room.
"Yeah? It shows off my pasty white skin beautifully, huh?" I tease. White is most certainly not a good color on any pale person… except for maybe Alice.
"It certainly shows what's underneath really well."
Alice and Jasper choke on their drink at Edward's abrupt comment, but I'm so used to them by now they don't even phase me.
"Liar." I call bullshit.
"White," he says calling me out. Shit, he's freaking right. "Lace I'm pretty sure. I couldn't quite tell when you bent over earlier. Mind doing it again?" He's goading me.
"Yes. I do mind."
"I guess I'll just have to wait until they're off."
"Until what's off?" Dr. Cullen asks, sitting back down with a refill of his wine.
"The oven," Alice interrupts. "He was asking about the pie Bella made."
"Yes," Edward chuckles with a nod. "I do love Bella's pie."
Jasper clears his throat. Mr. Brandon shakes his head while glancing between his daughter and Jasper. Dr. Cullen's none the wiser from his wine. Edward's eyes are dilated dark.
His stare fills me almost as much as his fingers did.
~!~
Jasper and I clean the kitchen while Edward and Alice clear the table. Dr. Cullen and Mr. Brandon are in Dr. Cullen's office with their door shut. The occasional guffaw of loud laughter creeps down the hall but otherwise they're tucked away for the night.
"He really doesn't like you, does he?" I ask Jasper referring to Alice's dad and his sly looks all night.
He shrugs. "I don't know if it's dislike or disapproval. He likes how handy I am. He likes my sense of humor. I just don't know if he approves of Alice wasting her time on me."
"Wasting her time?" I question.
"Yeah, you heard me," he challenges, drying a dish from the sink as I pull the pie from the over and set it on the island. "Alice deserves more than to waste her time on someone like me."
I've so had it with this. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure."
"Is Edward wasting his time on me?"
"No. You're good for him. You make him sweat," he says with a laugh.
"I come from the same side of the railroad tracks as you. We're the same. If Edward isn't wasting time on me, why would Alice be wasting it on you?"
"That's different and you know it. You're good, Bella. You do good things. You see the good in people. I don't."
"Jasper, why do you lie to yourself? Why are you creating problems when there aren't any? You're going to hurt Alice then I'm going to have to hurt you. Don't make me hurt you, Jasper," I half tease but it's mostly just the honest truth.
He's been hot and cold for weeks. One day he's so in love and happy and the next he's on the verge of ending it with Alice. His emotions are everywhere. Jasper needs to pick a temperature and stick with it.
"Why are you hurting him?" Alice asks curiously. "Not that I'm opposed to it," she corrects.
"You know, just the don't-mess-with-my-best-friend kind of threat," I tell Alice simply.
"Oh, okay cool. I was just telling your boyfriend the same thing."
Boyfriend.
"Alice, he's not—" I start but Edward's presence causes me to freeze.
He walks in with a smile. "Holy fuck that smells good."
~!~
We play Uno and War while we eat dessert, and as the world turns dark outside, Mr. Brandon excuses himself home and Dr. Cullen disappears upstairs.
"He's about to pass the fuck out," Edward says with a laugh. "He hasn't been this drunk since the hospital's Christmas party last year and I had to drive home. He was asleep by ten that night. Lightweight."
Jasper takes this opportunity to pull Alice toward the living room, onto a loveseat, and under the covers. Like really under the covers. Like all the way under the covers.
Edward and I find a place on the couch, flipping through the channels before landing on something familiar. The blankets and giggles bubble up from the loveseat periodically.
When I hear the first moan, I pop right up.
"I'm going to, uh, clean up."
"Bella," Edward says standing. "Everything's already clean." He sits back down and pulls me near.
"Edward, I can hear them," I try to reason, but a blankets being thrown on me and the TVs being turned up.
"Better?" he asks, voice in my ear, breath on my skin.
Alice giggles from the loveseat, but it's not so bad now that the tv's drowning them out.
"I guess."
He lays with me, limbs tangling around and between mine legs, his fingers dancing up and down my naked thigh. Edward touches the edge of the sock and snaps the elastic.
"These are so fucking hot," he whispers honestly.
My eyes close on their own as he kisses down my neck. When he sucks the skin into his mouth, I sort of push him away.
"Don't make it too obvious," I tell him softly. "It's been really hard trying to cover the last one."
He nods and stretches the sweater dress lower so my shoulder pops up. Edward's teeth scrape against my skin before his lips so softly edge their way up to my lips.
He kisses me slowly. More slowly than he's ever done before. His patience and calm show through and light me up.
It takes me by such surprise that I don't even feel the softness of his fingertips against my inner thighs until it's too late.
He brushes the backs of his knuckles against my center and laughs into our kiss.
"Lace," he says. "I fucking knew it."
I pull his head to my mouth and kiss him harder, but he sets the pace, and it's torturously slow.
When he pulls lace to the side and brushes his thumb between my lips, I squeeze his hand still with my legs.
"Edward," I pant and shake my head. "Edward they're right over there."
And just like that, his fingers move from my center, and he pulls back. One hand finds its way to my neck and the other snakes under the curve of my waste. His arm pulls me into his chest and we lie side by side, breath to breath.
He listens to me. He understands me. He doesn't pressure me.
The weight atop my chest lifts and tingles spread through my belly.
"You look so beautiful today, Bella," he tells me softly, playing with the tips of my hair that cascade down my back.
His words threaten tears at the corners of my eyes.
"No one's ever said that before," I tell him honestly.
"Said what, Bella?"
"Called me that."
He pauses briefly before relaxing into my body, his back curves, pulling me into his chest.
His lips find the heat of my head and he kisses my hair.
"You are," he says softly. "You are beautiful, Bella."
~!~
Over the next few hours, we eat more pie, and laugh over dumb stories, and pile into Alice's car to head to the shed.
Jasper gets it ready, turns on a movie, and pulls out a bong.
Jasper uses it but Edward doesn't.
We share joint, and when I'm high enough to feel the tickles of relaxation, Jasper and Alice snore quietly against each other on the couch to the right of ours.
"Remember a few weeks ago when we were together in here and you hated me?" I ask.
"I hated what you did to me," he tells me honestly.
"What did I do to you?"
"Made my dick hard."
"What?"
"Yeah, I couldn't figure out why. I'll never forget when I walked into the cabin on the rez and saw you with Jake. I could have fucking killed him, but I didn't know why. Then I saw your tits and couldn't stop staring—"
"You said they weren't anything to look at," I remind him half as a joke and half honestly. His words hurt me back then.
"I was a fucking liar," he tells me, pulling me on top so my chest lays flush against his.
"I always thought you were secretly cute," I admit. "Even when we were friends. Your hair and your eyes and your perfect smile. It's like you were created to make others feel inferior."
"I was," he jokes, scratching my back slowly.
"So, Udub, huh? You must be excited."
He shrugs. "It is what it is."
"Edward, no. It's exciting. That's a great school. I applied and hope to get my acceptance letter soon as well."
He pulls back and watches me. "You'd go if you got in?"
"Uh, yeah?" I question. "Why wouldn't I?"
He shrugs, relaxing back against the cushions. "I figured you'd be going to Columbia, Harvard, somewhere for really smart girls."
I can't the laugh. "Edward, you're way smart than I am."
"You're way more ambitious, Bella."
Maybe I am, but I have a strong motivation to get out of this town. He doesn't.
I fall asleep somewhere between his fingers in my hair and the blanket being tossed around my shoulders.
~!~
Friday, Alice wants to shop but I have to work.
She's not happy until she guilts Jasper into it.
What time are you off? Edward texts just after one.
I told Mrs. Cope I'd work longer today since I didn't have school.
Three. Why?
I'll pick you up around five.
Oh, okay. Where are we going?
Out.
Hm, so elusive today. I don't think much of it. I put my phone down and start scanning the stack of books in front of me. I've done three before my phone dings again.
And Bella? It's a date.
A date? Like a date-date? Now I'm nervous.
Sudden thoughts of what are we, and why are we, and what am I supposed to wear on a date sprint through my mind.
By the time I make it home and shower it's nearing four. Luckily my dad's not home, so I can rush around without fear. It's bitterly cold but dry outside, so I decide on dark jeans, black boots, and a jewel green sweater.
My breasts look perky and my neck looks long. Two of Edward's favorite things.
At five, there's a knock on my door.
It's Edward dressed like the best thing that ever happened to me. He's in black skinny jeans and a button down, dark red shirt. The seams stretch across his broad shoulders and chest. Sadness swallows me for mere seconds when I can't see his tattoos, but then he moves his left arm and I see the inked skin peeking out from the rolled-up sleeve. Copper-brown hair stands at attention, but it's so casually disheveled I can't tell if he does it on purpose or if he spends 20 minutes moving each piece of hair deliberately.
With his right hand, pulls a bouquet of flowers from behind his back and smiles.
"I've never given a girl flowers," he says proudly.
"They're so pretty." Tenderness coats my words with emotion. He's giving me butterflies worse than ever. Of all the things that have happened the last few weeks, this is something I'd never bet my future on: Edward standing in my doorway, smirking, handing me flowers.
In the kitchen, I set the flowers on the counter when he walks up behind me. Hands grip my hips and he turns me so we're face to face.
"You look…" he trails off, fingering the sweater, looking down my cleavage, smirking to himself. "Incredible."
"What do you have planned, Edward?" I ask breathily. If we get started, we won't make it anywhere but my bedroom.
Edward swallows and walks backward.
"Dinner at my favorite little Italian place."
The ride out of Forks isn't too long, but I have no idea where we're going. Edward brings up possible majors next year, and his therapist, and the flowers he picked up. He seems lighter than I've ever seen, and it's so refreshing to be around.
The entire drive, his hand grips the inside of my thigh.
"I was thinking business," Edward says with a nod.
"Makes sense."
"Why?"
I shrug. "Math seems to come easily to you… and given your business now, I'm sure you've got the background for it."
He sort of chuckles and nods. "My thought exactly."
"Are you, uhm, going to quit selling next year?"
Edward silently chews on his lip before he answers. Thoughts roll around us as fast as emotions, but I can't seem to grasp any.
"I haven't necessarily decided one way or the other. Selling on campus could be very lucrative. I like the idea of being in control of… everything. But Dimitri is being a little unpredictable right now."
"What's that mean?" It comes out more frenzied than intended.
"Aro's fucking up royally, your dad's still on the radar, me and Jas have made some questionable decisions. Shit just needs to die down before I run my mouth about anything."
My lips purse as I nod. Okay, well that's scary.
"But what if—"
"Bella, I don't really want to ruin our first date talking about drug dealers." He looks over to me, seriousness strikes his features.
First date.
I thought this is what it was but hearing him utter the words makes it so real. I wish I had told Allie. I wish she could have given me her confidence 101 talk. I wish she could tell me what I deserve because I only seem to believe it when I hear it from her.
The blush creeps up on my cheeks hotter than anything.
"What did I say to cause that?" he asks gently.
"Cause what?"
"The redness in your cheeks."
Too embarrassed and way too nervous, I shake my head.
"Come on, Bella, tell me. This is a first for me, you know. It'd be nice if I could read your mind right now, but I can't."
He's open and honest and genuine. So I decide to be too.
"This isn't my first date ever, Edward," I start, peeking over at him. His brows knit together like he's putting together the pieces. His nod hardens the mood. "But this is the first date that I've ever felt anything for the boy I'm with. A first date with you means more than anything I ever did with those other boys. Being around you makes my stomach feel like a million tiny flowers are growing inside."
I chance a look up and Edward's exterior has softened. His arm rests next to mine on the console as he drives with his other hand.
When he looks over at me and smiles, it's warm and tender. When his fingers reach for mine and lock together softly, it feels like his fingers brush against and heel every crack in my soul.
It's the most delicate thing I think either one of us has ever experienced.
~!~
Dinner is so good. Like, really, really good.
Edward's favorite place turns out to be this tiny, hole in the wall restaurant in the slums of Port Angeles. We take back roads that I never knew existed.
And when he pulled up to a door attached to a cement wall with what looked like bullet holes, I told him he better keep driving.
Edward simply laughed and shook his head before parking and getting out. I open the door as he rushes over.
He rolls his eyes playfully and sighs. "Bella, let me do first date shit."
"What?"
"Let me open your fucking door, and help you inside, and pull out your chair at the table. Let me do this shit for you."
My giggle takes us both by surprise and he joins in. "Okay."
Inside, as he pulls my chair out, two guys walk over. One in all black, and another in a chef's outfit. It's a pretty busy night, so I'm surprised we're being taken care of already.
"Mr. Cullen, a pleasure. Will your partner not be joining?" the older man asks.
"Not tonight, Pete. Isabella, this Peter, this best chef in the pacific northwest. Peter, this is my beautiful date, Isabella." Edward leans back in his chair, and his tall stature reeks of confidence. If I didn't know any better, I'd mistake him for a man in his mid-twenties.
"A pleasure," he says, shaking my hand warmly.
"Likewise," I say softly, struggling to remember words after Edward's nonchalant introduction.
"Might I suggest a wine to pair with your dinners?"
"Of course. Surprise us."
He nods and walks away.
Edward and I order some pasta thing that he swears is the best ever. I've never even heard of it. I'm so used to eating box dinners or hot pockets—anything quick so I'm not downstairs for too long.
Edward smiles as I tell him stories about me and Allie over the years. He soaks in the time we spent unfriendly to each other. There's a calmness to him tonight, and a twinkle in his eye.
"So when you get your acceptance to Udub, call me. We'll plan a day and head out there so we can see what dorms I can try to bribe us into."
"You can do that?" I ask.
"Bella, with enough money, you can do just about anything."
It's sour but honest.
The waiter refills my wine twice without even asking for my ID or my age or anything.
Edward tips his head, downing the rest of his glass. "Money."
When we get up, Edward throws a couple hundreds on the table after already paying the bill. I don't know if he wanted me to see, but I did. I wonder just how much he has saved.
We drive in silence up a hill and onto a gravel road. The twists and turns have me a little nervous about how we're even going to make it back down, but then he reaches for my hand and all the thoughts cease. His touch quiets all of my worries and feelings and anxieties.
As we make it to the top, and a beautiful view of the clear sky surrounds us, Edward pulls me in for the softest kiss.
"I'm trying to be good, Bella, but you look so fucking cute I could die."
"Well, don't," I tell him with a laugh against his lips.
He pulls back and nods, opening the glove box and pulls out a brown paper bag.
"Here," he says.
It's heavy in my hands and when I dump out bills wrapped in rubber bands, I know I turn white.
"What—"
"It's your cut from the party," he says easily.
Honestly, I'd forgotten all about that. Unsure what to do, I stuff the money back inside the bag and under the seat.
"Thank you," I whisper.
He turns his head, and I can barely make out the color of his eyes. His smile softens and he nods.
Music plays around us and the cloudy sky darkens any possibility of looking at the stars, but this is the best date I've ever been on.
Eventually, we climb into the backseat and cuddle up to each other. His arm wraps around my shoulder and pulls me closer. With my ear against his chest, I can hear the steady beat of his heart as he recounts stories about Jasper, or when he started spray painting things, and smoking, and the biggest fight he ever had with his dad.
"I asked him why he never fucking explored my mom's death. I was so fucking mad, Bella. You should be glad we weren't friends then or I would've taken it out on you." He pauses to, I'm sure, think about all the times he actually did take it out on me. "Victoria, Lauren, and Jess got a lot of it too, trust me. I just couldn't imagine having a wife who was murdered and not doing shit about it. I accused him of doing it—"
"Do you really think—"
"Not anymore," he says quickly, shaking his head. "But back then I fucking did. I was young and angry and looking for answers in all the wrong places. I remember all the times I pretty much told him I wished it was him instead of my mom. Can you imagine that?" Edward whispers out loud. It's a very dense, cathartic soliloquy that I don't want to interrupt. "So many times I begged him for help, begged him to do more, begged him to—" he pauses and shakes his head again. "He never listened to me… Or maybe he did and won't tell me. I'd move the fucking Earth to get my hands on whoever—" he stops himself again.
Under my ear, his heart triple beats and his breathing increases. I know these signs too well. His hands rub harder circles on my back and catch the material from the sweat coating his palms.
"Breathe," I whisper, my small hand against his taught stomach. "Through your nose," I remind him as he sucks in breaths between his lips.
It doesn't work. He doesn't hear.
His breathing increases and this time he grabs my sweater against my back.
"What color are my eyes?" I ask, sitting up.
"What?" he asks in irritation.
"What color are my eyes, Edward?"
He doesn't even have to look as he easily blurts out, "blue."
That was a fail.
"And your favorite color?"
"Red."
"And mine?"
"I don't… I don't know."
"It's green."
"Green."
His breathing slows but he's still spiraling. Now, his free hand grips the door of the back seat. Breaths come in short, shallow bursts. His panic grows worse, faster, festering deeper.
Control. He needs control.
"Tell me something you can't wait to do to me, Edward." I whisper against his neck.
"Bella," he whispers when my lips press against the pulse in his neck.
And then his fingers loosen against my sweater, edging their way to the bottom of my shirt.
"Tell me, Edward."
"I want to come on you."
Spit collects in my mouth and my stomach drops at his words. I want that, too, but this isn't about me right now.
"Where?" I whisper, looking up so we're eye to eye.
Half lidded and fully turned on, his eyes find mine in the darkness. One finger trails up my neck, over my chin, and taps my lips.
"Right here," he whispers hoarsely.
There's not a lot of room back here, but I shimmy my way down so I'm kneeling between his legs. He catches on and scoots over so he's resting mostly against the door, one leg pressed against the back cushions to give me room.
When I unzip his jeans, he's half hard. When I wrap my hand around his shaft and pull him out, he hardens fully.
"Bella, you don't have to—"
But I cut him off as I bend down and place him in my mouth. I've never done this before, but I've heard Alice talk about it over the years, so I feel a little more confident in my abilities.
The thud of his head against the window encourages me.
My tongue wraps around the head as I coat his shaft with saliva. He's hard and thick in my mouth, and I'm surprised how tasteless he is. Until I bob up and down a few times and slippery, salty pre-cum leaks from the tip. I must be doing something right.
I glance up as I circle my tongue slowly, wetting his shaft. Alice told me guys like when you use your mouth and your hand, so I grip the base. My mouth meets my hand and then they work in tandem.
A grunt, then a growl, then a large palm at the back of my head to guide me lets me know I'm making him feel at least a little good. I work slowly, my hand sets a rhythm, and my lips suck harder the louder he moans. Edward takes his time and that's okay. This needs to feel good for him, to feel like he's controlling it. My fingers press against his palm encouraging him to press harder, show me the rhythm, control the speed.
With his shaft in my mouth, one hand on his hand and the other at the base of his cock, my eyes find his. He doesn't blink or move or even really breathe until I pick up speed. Then his head presses against the window and his thigh muscles tighten.
A long, deep growl climbs out of the back of his throat. Two wet lips part as he presses my head down further than it's been before. The head of his cock tickles the back of my throat, but I swallow the sensation.
"Fuuuuuck," he hisses, scooting around. "Bella," he pants, but I keep going. "Bella," he says again, but again I keep going. My eyes are closed as I enjoy the swell of his shaft.
He haults my motions, pulling me off his shaft. My eyes find his suddenly and his whole demeanor has changed. The smile on my face lights my insides on fire.
It worked.
"Look at me when I'm speaking to you," he says sternly.
The flip of my belly scares me. Edward loves control and I love to give it. Usually at night, in the darkness and depth of my own comfort, in my own bed, I think of reasons why this might be. And then there's one very blatant one: I am in control of every single aspect of every single piece of my life. I pay the bills, I clean the house, I parent my parent, I take care of my schooling, I raise myself.
This part of my life, albeit new, is so fresh and crisp and utterly fascinating. It's the only time control is removed, and it feels so good it makes me eyes water. Not in a sexual sense—okay definitely in a sexual sense, too—but mostly because the relief floods over me when Edward asks me, tells me, makes me do something.
"Don't look away."
"Keep your hands on my shoulder."
"Come."
The option to choose anything is removed.
I am finally free.
So I do as Edward tells me. I look right at him.
"You're so good," he whispers, relaxing a little now that he has my eyes.
I don't dare look away, but I can tell by the pulse of his forearm that he's jerking his shaft with the hand not in my hair.
"Are you going to make me come, Princess?"
"Yes," I whisper.
"Mmmm," he groans, lowering my head back down onto him.
He encourages me to suck harder, twist my wrist as I use my hand, circle the head with my tongue.
"I'm trying not to come too soon, Bella, but god damn…" he trails off.
When I glance up and moan in agreeance, his breaths shorten and he tenses. Fingers grip my hair and his free hand grips the back of the seat just as his cock thickens and hot come shoots into my mouth.
He pulls my head back and the rest lands against my chin, lips, and neck.
Edward stares me down in the dark until his erection deflates. Both of us pant into the tiny backseat, and then he pulls me up so I'm straddling his hips, rips down my zipper, and rubs between my lips with more ferocity than he's ever shown.
"Edward this was for you. You don't have to—"
"Do you dare tell me what to do, Bella?"
I close my lips and grunt as he touches me harder.
When I come gripping his shoulders, head thrown back, he presses his forehead against my belly and laughs.
"What?" I pant.
"My only goal was to treat you like a lady tonight, Bella."
"You did," I tell him, scooting him over and fixing my jeans.
"I came in your mouth after you sucked my dick and then I pretty much forced my hand in your pants."
"That's not how I saw it," I tell him honestly.
He nods in understanding.
"Thank you," he whispers, pulling me from the cab and helping me into the front seat.
"For?"
His head dips and presses his lips gently to my throat.
"You know what for, Bella."
I don't know why, but I want so badly to tell him how I truly feel in this moment.
And in this moment, I feel love.
~!~
"I almost told Edward that I love him on Friday," I tell Alice as she braids my hair Sunday afternoon.
Her fingers stop immediately, and she whips around.
"You what?" she screams.
"I said almost, Alice!"
"Do you, Bella? Do you love him?"
I bite my lip and look away. Her stare scares me more than I'd like to admit.
Do I?
"I don't freaking know." My response is honest and clear.
"Bella Swan in love with Edward Cullen…" Alice trails off. "Who'da thunk it?"
Honestly, the more I think about it, the more sure I am that I'm not in love with him and just love him platonically… like I love Alice and maybe even Jasper.
"But neither Jasper nor I make you come," she prompts.
"Ew, Alice."
Her sly smile plays with me. "Unless you want us to."
She pretty much attacks me on her couch trying to pepper me with kisses as her phone rings.
"Saved by the bell!" I call as she answers.
"Hey Jasper," she says, putting him on speaker.
"What are you two ladies up to?"
"Oh nothing, just trying to convince Bella to have a threesome." She winks deliberately. She knows what she's doing.
"Yeah? With who?"
"With us, Jazzy."
The line goes silent before a short bout of laughter and a very deep, "well alright, baby."
"Yo, Cullen, you cool if Allie and I fuck your girl?" Jasper calls. Great. Just great.
I don't really hear what Edward says back, but Jasper coughs and laughs and yells out, "ow!" and "hey now!" repeatedly.
"What are you two up to?" Alice asks, sitting next to me on the couch and scrolling through the channels.
Her dad's out of town until Wednesday, so I'm staying over. Our plans are to drink wine, watch Lifetime movies, and eat like crap.
"Chillin'."
"Come over," she swoons. "I got something I want to show you."
"Give us an hour," he says lowly.
I can't hide the disappoint when she hangs up, and I know she knows.
"Can we at least still drink the wine?" I ask.
"Hell yeah! And I still fully plan on watching Lifetime movies."
"The boys—"
"Jasper loves Lifetime movies, Bella."
"No, Jasper loves you, Alice."
~!~
The boys don't show for two hours which gives Alice and I plenty of time to down some cheap wine and finish at least one movie.
When they do arrive, they're equipped with a box of pizza and a bag of candy.
Edward's lit and so is Jasper, but they're grinning and happy and wildly handsome.
Jasper's hair is pulled back, and his white teeth shine even in the pouring rain. Edward's dark gray joggers hug everything beautifully, and the black sweatshirt and denim jacket shielding him from the cold rest easily against his top half.
"Hey," he whispers a smile, moving against me slowly.
I'm warm from the alcohol and the fuzziness inside.
"Hi," I smile back.
Jasper smokes a joint on the covered deck while Alice, Edward, and I cheers with a glass of wine poured in a plastic cup.
He's sweet, and gentle, and loving tonight. His eyes are blue and clear and soft as they tease me from afar.
We play truth or dare and find out Jasper hates spiders with a burning passion. Like deathly afraid. Like girly afraid.
"One time in the shed, Jasper nearly shit himself from this tiny little—" Edward pauses to catch his breath from the laughter he can't control. He grabs his stomach and tosses his head back. He looks so happy in this moment and I never want it to go away.
"Dude, the thing was jumping," Jasper argues.
The boys learn that I can touch my tongue to my nose. Japer laughs in disbelief.
"Prove it," he says.
I roll my eyes, stick out my tongue, and touch the tip of my nose.
He nods in enthusiasm.
"Nice dude," Jasper admits, bumping fists with Edward who simply shakes his head at his friend.
Boys.
Everything slows down just after midnight. Jasper pulls Alice's back against his front as they rest on the oversized chair. They exchange yawns and slow touches. His fingers trace her elbow as he talks to Edward about Aro, and Alice's fingers dance around his thigh as she talks to me about sleeping in tomorrow.
"You guys can chill on the couch or sleep in the spare room ," she says casually, standing to stretch.
"It's freezing in there," I tell her, shivering just thinking about it.
"Not anymore. My dad fixed the radiator last month. It should be good now."
Edward pulls me into his chest and kisses my head.
"If we get too cold, I know a way we can warm up," he whispers.
Alice giggles and leads Jasper up to her room.
Edward and I shut off the TV and lights and make our way down the hall to the spare room. His heavy steps fall behind me and when I reach for the doorknob, he grips my fingers over his.
We stand in silence, still as marble, heart raging inside my chest.
He's making me nervous in the best way.
"I can't stop thinking about Friday night, Princess." He whispers the last part into my ear.
"Why?"
"Everything. Our talks, your company, the way you took my cock into your mouth."
He presses me against the door and his hips into my mine. I can feel the swell of something stirring inside his denim. When I push back into him, he groans softly.
"I'm so glad you can't hear my thoughts," he admits.
"What are you thinking, Edward?" I ask softly.
He pauses before backing up and releasing me. The haze lifts and he sees clearly. It's like he doesn't want to corrupt or take advantage of me, but I'm a horny seventeen-year-old girl with the cutest guy in high school standing behind me with the evidence of what I do to him pressed against me.
I want him.
But I'm too nervous to do anything about it. My lack of confidence is a buzz kill even for me.
So I wait as he pulls back the covers and rids himself of his sweatshirt and joggers. Alice was right—it's definitely not cold in here anymore. I peel off my bottoms and unhook my bra through my shirt.
We're side by side, looking at the ceiling, dancing around whatever elephant is in this room with us.
"Peeling down your panties and running my tongue between your lips," he breathes into the safety of the darkness.
I'll admit it catches me by surprise and I'm stunned into stillness.
"Wh-what?" I manage.
"I'm thinking about peeling down your blue panties, laying between your legs, and tasting your pussy."
Moments go by where all I can do is breathe. This shouldn't be a big deal. I've heard him talk dirty before, but that was in the height of hooking up. I was a different girl then, a girl who was finally getting the orgasm she always dreamed of.
Now?
Now I'm the same awkward girl, but the haze of hooking up hasn't shrouded over us.
"I told you that you didn't want to know," he says softly.
And then I snap out of it.
"I do," I tell him quickly. "I want to hear, Edward." My side presses closer to his, and I reach for his hand. It's intimate in a time like this, but it feels right. "Tell me more."
He swallows audibly and takes a breath. "I'm thinking about what your face will look like when I finally taste you. How your back will arch, where your fingers will be, how many seconds it'll take of my mouth on your clit for you to finally come on my tongue."
Can he hear the way my breath catches, the way the air bites at my erect nipples, the squeeze of my legs to feel anything.
"Why… why don't you?" I whisper nervously.
His pause makes my stomach flip.
"We've had too much to drink, and we're too far gone. I'm also afraid I won't be able to stop there."
He's being a gentleman… or the closest thing he can be to one anyways.
Edward turns his chest towards me and pulls me so our bodies touch. His nose brushes my forehead before he places his lips against my hair and pulls me in closer.
Silence falls around us like the most comfortable blanket, but I can't stop thinking about his words and what they do to me, so I try something.
In the darkness of this cocoon, I tell him exactly how I feel.
"I want you to be my first, Edward."
Edward's silence doesn't surprise me, but his sudden stillness does. The circles he rubs against my back stop abruptly.
"Bella, you don't know what you're saying," he says quietly, pushing me away.
"I do," I tell him, grabbing the neck of his undershirt to stop his escape. I pull him closer and his breath blows against my chin. "I do, Edward."
"You're drunk, Bella. You don't know what you're asking for."
My hand trails down to his boxers and grips the semi pointing towards me. "I can show you what I mean if you want."
His grip circles my wrist, stilling my movements, but his lips find mine firmly.
He kisses me like he's never kissed before. Like he's grasping onto anything and everything. Like he's grounding himself.
His tongue against mine licks a fire deep inside.
His teeth bite my lips and pull gently.
He grips my cheek, my neck, my hair.
He pulls back and pants.
"You have no idea how long I've waited for this… how long I've waited for you." His words float around us like heavy bubbles ready to burst at any moment.
"Me?"
"It's you," Edward says as if realizing for the first time himself. "It's always been you, Bella."
~!~
The next morning, Edward pulls my back to his chest and nuzzles against me.
Nuzzles.
Edward.
Two things I never thought would go together.
I smile into the morning sunshine.
His fingers trail from my hip to my belly to my mound. When they slip inside cotton and between my lips, my eyes shoot open.
When his fingers press against my clit, rubbing slow, hard circles, I mewl into the silence.
"Shhh," Edward whispers. "They're in the kitchen making breakfast."
His fingers move faster and faster, pressing harder until I gasp and snap and arch against him.
He pets me softly, bringing me down lightly until the ringing in my ear stops.
In the post-orgasm stillness, while I'm still high off of endorphins, I ask the question I thought about all night.
"What did you mean last night when you said it's always been me?"
He's not still, but he's quiet, and I'm not sure which one is worse.
"What do you mean?" he asks.
I turn my body to face his and we both sit up.
"Last night, before we fell asleep I said I want you to be my first, then you tried talking me out of it before saying I have no idea how long you've waited for me and that it's always been me."
His blank stares puzzles me. "I did?"
I know he wasn't nearly half as drunk as I was, so it's not a matter of honestly forgetting, it's a matter of falsifying the truth.
But, in the light of day, maybe it's too hard for him to admit the truth. In a sense, I get it. But in another sense, I thought we had overcome this, gotten better, felt more secure.
In my honesty, I stand and dress quickly.
He doesn't do much to stop me until my hand grabs the door.
"Hey, where are you going?" he asks, but when I turn to look he doesn't make any moves to stop me.
I can't quite place my finger on where the pain starts, but it ends in my heart. Of all the cracks he's caused before, this might hurt the worst.
~!~
We eat a pretty awkward breakfast mostly in silence. Alice tries to talk with me through her eyes, but I don't make eye contact with anyone.
"Can you give me a ride home?" I ask Alice. "I want to finish the book for English."
"We can give you a ride," Jasper offers.
"No," I say immediately. "No, it's okay. Right Allie?"
"Sure, Bells."
~!~
On the way home, I tell her everything.
"Maybe he just… I don't know… freaked?"
"But why? He's the one who said it."
"Sometimes guys freak. You see how Jasper got when shit got real. Maybe give him some space. Let him figure it out on his own. Boys are so dumb to begin with. Mix feelings in there and you've got a shit show on your hands."
She makes me laugh which is good because when we pull into my driveway, my dad's car is there.
"Call me later, okay?" she says, gripping my hand.
Alice knows about my dad—how can she not? It was her idea for the lock after all.
"Thanks for everything, Allie."
Inside, my dad makes a commotion in the kitchen and try as I might to come in unseen, nothing slips past him.
"Hey!" he slurs. Great, he's been drinking again. "You tell your little boyfriends—" he starts but stops, shaking his finger in my face.
He rests his body against the wall next to the stairs as he attempts to come after me.
"You tell them stay out of my shit or else!"
"Or else what?"
I shouldn't antagonize him, but I'm sick of being his punching bag. If I'm going to get beat up, he's going to get a few himself. My fingers ball into fists and I'm ready to strike if needed.
But he takes me by surprise.
His left fist grips my forearm so tight it burns and his right hand grips the hair on my scalp. This burn feels different and much worse. His arm span is too long and when I try to push him away, I don't quite reach.
"I'm taking over for Aro. You tell those little punks I'll shoot them dead the second they fuck with me."
His words scare me and the second he lets me go, I run up to my room to call Edward. A few weeks ago he asked me to call him if my dad ever put his hands on me again.
He doesn't answer.
So I try Jasper next.
"Hey," he answers immediately, but the noise in the background sort of drowns him out. "Not the best time. Can I call—"
"My dad's drinking again, Jasper," I start with tears in my eyes. My voice shakes. "He grabbed me and told me that he's taking over for Aro and he's going to shoot you and Edward and—" I know I'm blubbering but I'm so frustrated and scared and let down and disappointed in everything.
"He what?" Jasper asks. He moves away for the noise and into a quieter location. "Did Charlie hurt you, Bella?"
I look at my arm and shake my head. No bruises, but it's too early to tell. It throbs, but I can move my wrist around. "Only a little," I tell him, drying my tears. "He's going to shoot—"
"Bella, don't worry about us. We knew he was Aro's second and would take over after Dim shot him—"
"Aro got shot?" I ask in confusion.
"Yeah, I guess Edward didn't tell you?"
"No. No he didn't."
"Maybe it just never came up."
"Is he with you? I tried to call him."
There's a brief pause and some shuffling, but I can't hear anything in particular.
"Shit, Bella. I gotta go. You know where the key to the shed is if you need it."
The line dies.
On my bed I sit quietly, letting numbness tingle into my extremities. My wrist stops hurting as I focus on everything else. Edward and his sudden mood shift. Charlie and his abuse. Me and my future.
Tonight, I listen as Charlie's boots stomp around the worn floor. Doors open and slam shut, water turns on, his phone rings. Charlie goes about his business like nothing happened. Like his wife didn't die. Like he didn't just abuse his daughter. Like he's not a monster.
~!~
Tuesday and Wednesday fly. School is school. Edward and Jasper show up late and skip lunch on Tuesday.
"They're dealing with some serious shit," Alice says, reading my mind.
"What's that mean?"
"I guess Dimitri had them out unexpectedly all night last night. They had to beat the shit out of some guy for some reason. I don't really know."
Alice talks like she doesn't care. Like it's a soap opera. But it's not.
"Who was it?"
"I don't know. Sam? Seth? Some S name."
"Seth. He's the one that was selling the night of the party. I wonder if he went to Aro about—"
"What the hell happened to your arm?" Alice asks, cutting me off. She grips my fingers and pulls my arms closer.
My sleeves bunch up around my elbow and reveal the deep bruises left by my dear father.
"Oh, nothing—"
"Bella, don't," she says softly.
Alice doesn't press me for answers. She holds my fingers through the rest of lunch.
Wednesday, in science, Mr. Banner hands out a seventeen page study guide for the midterm.
"You have until next Wednesday. We'll review Thursday and Friday, and that following Monday is it, folks! Everything we've learned up until now is fair game." Mr. Banner drones on and on as he passes out the study guide.
Edward sits with his back to me and the awkwardness of his demeanor eats me up, but I've had enough.
When Mr. Banner sets us free to work with partners, I stand quickly and sit next to Edward.
"Hi," I say gently.
He looks from his paper to me back to his paper. Long fingers open the book and skim through chapter 4 before he responds. "Hi."
"Edward, what the fuck?" It sort of falls out of my mouth, but I don't regret it.
He turns to me now, there's a gentleness in his eyes for a moment.
"How's your hand?" he asks, reaching over, turning it over in his hand.
I don't hide the bruising from him.
It looks worse than it feels, honestly. The finger marks from my dad's grip have morphed into thick ovals. I'm glad my closest friends know about everything now because honestly I don't even know what lie I would have come up with this time.
"Fine," I tell him, pulling away. "What's going on?"
"Do you work tonight?"
"Yeah."
"I'll pick you up after. We can talk then."
Edward goes back to working quietly, and I don't press for anything else.
~!~
The whole three hours of work I want to die. It's dead. There's not busy work. And I'm freaking out about the conversation I'm going to have with Edward.
Something just doesn't feel right, but I can't put my finger on it.
I finish some math and then help Mrs. Cope decorate for Christmas.
"Do anything special, honey?" she asks, plugging in the lights.
Hundreds of tiny white lights glow under the fluorescents. Christmas usually comes and goes like any other day. We don't have pretty lights, or a Christmas tree. There's no baking or holiday parties at our house. There aren't even presents.
"Uhm, no, not really. Do you?" I ask quietly, unboxing some bulbs to hang on the tree.
"My kids come into town with their children. We usually go caroling a few days before Christmas with a church group."
"That sounds really—"
"I know, my kids hate it too." Her despondent tone saddens me.
"I was going to say that sounds really nice, Mrs. Cope."
She smiles kindly we work together in a comfortable silence until my shift ends.
After gathering my backpack, I help her close up and we part ways.
"Hi," I say quietly into the dimness of Edward's car.
"Hello."
We sit in silence now, and it's not as comfortable as it was between me and Mrs. Cope.
"Bella, I think it's best if we stop—"
"Don't give me that," I tell him as he makes the turns to my house.
"For now."
My arms cross and I sit stoically, thinking about everything I want to say to him, but nothing comes.
"For now. Right."
Edward pulls up to my house and parks.
My driveways is empty thank god.
"If you need—"
"I don't need shit from you," I spit, grabbing my backpack and tossing it onto my bag. "You know," I start, hand gripping the handle, "I really thought you had changed. I really thought you were trying to be better, that you're dad was right, that you were truly sorry about the way you treated me before. But I guess I was wrong, huh?" Anger eats at me as I throw open the door. Before I slam it shut and head inside, I duck to tell him, "I guess we were all wrong about you, Edward. You're nothing but a cocky, angry, scared little boy, and I feel sorry for you."
Inside, I throw my backpack against my bedroom door after I slam it shut, and fall face first into my bed.
My tears soak into the pillow and when I can't breathe, smothered from the material around me, I turn my head to the side and see a stack of old books, journals, and papers sitting on my desk.
I don't need to stand to know what they are, but I don't anyways and it makes me feel worse.
Edward's decision to end everything confuses me even more.
When I thumb through the old cookbooks, her writing just under the pads of my fingers, I slide to the floor, cradling the last bit of my mom, and mourning my childhood all over again.
When Edward leaves this time, it hurts worse.
