Thank you all so much for the kind words and reviews—they definitely keep me motivated (look how quickly you got this chapter!)

There's a surprise POV towards the end ; ) Let me know what you think!

December passes painfully.

Alice gives Edward a shoulder so cold that she removes all the extra chairs at our table so he can't sit.

But he doesn't even try.

For the first week, he doesn't even show.

Then the next week, he sits with Victoria.

I almost cry in the cafeteria.

Almost.

"Don't," Jasper says easily. He acts like he doesn't care, but Alice tells me he's so pissed at Edward that even they aren't talking. I find it hard to believe, but whatever.

"Don't what?" I ask quietly, swallowing the jaggers in my throat.

"Don't give her what she's looking for."

My eyes flit to Victoria's. Red, wild hair wraps around her finger as she sucks on a straw before kissing Edward's cheek. He doesn't push her away but he doesn't give her anything. Victoria smirks at me.

It's like the last few months never even happened. Like he didn't play twenty questions with me in the car while we searched for Aro, like he didn't install a lock on my door to keep me safe, like he didn't buy me freaking flowers and take me on a date.

"Stupid freaking idiots," I mumble, pushing my chair back and dumping my tray as the bell rings.

Science freaking sucks.

Edward still sits in front of me, and I have to look around him to see the board.

His stupid hair, and idiotic tattoos, and the way his hands pat his pockets for no reason at all.

And when I start breathing thickly, and my brain hurts, and I feel so heavy I could fall, I raise my hand to excuse myself.

My body crashes against the freezing cold wall down the hall as I put my head between my knees and breathe through the panic.

Why is this happening here? Why is this happening now?

I can't remember my last panic attack, but it hurts every ounce of blood in my body.

Just as I calm my breathing, footsteps sound down the hall. I scurry back into the bathroom before I'm found.

The stall presses against my clammy, unsettled skin as I run my fingers through two day old hair. It's raining so hard outside that I can hear it through the cement walls.

I focus on the noise and count to ten, then twenty, then one hundred before Alice shows up.

"Let's go home," she whispers.

I have no idea how she found me, or if I even locked the stall. I have no idea how we make it to her car or why I'm not wet. I have no idea how I wake up tucked into the coziest blanket on her couch in the living room.

"What time is it?" I grumble sleepily, stretching.

"Seven," a distinctly male voice says.

I pop up with both hope and fear, but it's dirty blonde hair and not rusty brown that greets me.

"Oh, hi, Jasper. Where's Alice?"

I push myself up and surround my lower half with the security of the comforter.

"She went to pick up some dinner."

"Oh. Okay."

Well, this is more awkward than it should be.

His phone rings twice nonstop and by the third time I say, "you can answer that you know."

We both know who it is without looking.

"I don't have a whole lot to say to him right now."

Hm, maybe Alice wasn't lying.

"Why's that?" I press.

He sits quietly for a bit, probably contemplating how much to really share with me.

"He fucked up a lot of shit."

"Like?"

Jasper leans forward and arches a brow.

"Like business. The game is on fire right now and he's adding gasoline to it."

"Oh," I say with slight disappointment.

"And for what he did to you."

I shake my head. "He didn't do anything to me, Jasper."

His brow arches higher. "He got your hopes up and obliterated them out of nowhere."

I laugh smally and shake my head again. "My hopes were never up. People who live like us? We don't even know what hopes are, Jasper."

"Keep telling yourself that, Princess."

I want to tell him to stop, to never ever say that again, to fuck off, but then I see he's smirking and sitting back and watching me.

I don't know if he's testing me or what, but I don't give in. Sitting up, throwing the blankets away I smile back.

The room is tense as Alice walks in right after.

Jasper winks at me before standing to help Alice with the pizza and drinks.

We watch Pineapple Express and veg out and talk about a party the weekend before Christmas.

"It's going to be insane," Alice squeals in excitement. "And I have the perfect outfit for you, Bella!"

"I'm probably not going, Allie."

"What? No, you have to go. It'll be so—"

"Fun? Yeah I've heard that before. I'm not so sure I'll like some of the other guests is all."

"Then we'll go to another room if he comes. It'll be fine, I promise!"

I don't really want to start anything or have her on my back about it, so I simply say, "okay, I'll think about it."

Alice smiles higher at my admission.

When Jasper's phone goes off for the seventh time tonight, he finally picks up.

"What?" he barks loudly, but the person on the other end yells louder. "What?" he asks more seriously, still annoyed. "When?" Jasper pushes the pizza box away. "Fuck! Fuck! Alright. Pick me up. I'm at Alice's. And bring the fucking bag this time."

Jasper stands and stretches and rubs his hand over his tired face.

"You're leaving?" Alice pouts.

"There's an emergency." Jasper looks to me but I'm staring at the crumbs on my plate. It's not my place, and I shouldn't care—I've got no pull in the game anymore—but I do and it hurts. "Someone's… hurt… and we think… Just… Bella, can you stay with Alice this weekend?"

"Uhm, no?" It comes out more irritably than it should.

"Well, do it anyway. Alice," he says, giving her a stern look.

She nods and looks down. There's an unspoken conversation between them that I feel like they've had before. It's this moment right here that I know their bond is stronger than they've ever led anyone else to believe.

He pulls her into his body and she practically breathes for him. It's intense, and passionate, and so different than I've ever seen them.

Tears sting my eyes.

A horn blares from her driveway.

Their embrace shields them from anything or anyone else.

Another honk.

Silent whispers.

A car door slams.

My heartbeat quickens.

"Alice," I say.

Five loud pounds against the front door rattle me.

The lovers in front of me whisper hurriedly.

"Alice," I say louder.

The knocks grow louder and louder.

"Alice! The door!"

When the knob turns and the door opens, Jasper kisses Alice's forehead and blocks my view of Edward who's half in the house and half on the porch.

They talk quietly for mere seconds before one retreats and the other turns me.

"Remember what I said," Jasper tells both me and Alice before slamming the door shut.

And I breathe.

Long, loud breaths fill me. I didn't realize I had been holding my breath for that long.

Alice curls up with me on the couch and we watch some dumb holiday movie that I couldn't tell you the first thing about. My mind wanders to the rusty-brown haired boy and how much trouble they might be in.

~!~

When Allie drops me off Sunday night, after Jasper calls to tell us it's clear, my house is empty.

The porch creeks as I step up slowly. A thin layer of ice coats everything, but someone has put salt down.

We don't even own salt.

The inside smells weird. Clean. But chemically clean. The kind of clean you can smell when someone's trying to clean up a murder scene.

I don't even care though.

The house is empty and I'm tired.

My bedroom smells different. Like me, but something else.

I look in my closet, under my bed, behind my curtains, everywhere.

There's nothing.

I think about calling Jasper to ask him if he was in here, but, again, I don't even care.

The ice-cold room and the soft sound of ice hitting against the walls is enough to lull me to sleep.

~!~

I wake up late and call Alice.

"Can you pick me up?" I ask her panicked. Normally I bike to school so I don't have to ask her for a ride to and from work.

"Duh, I'm already on my way. I can't believe schools even open. These roads are total shit."

I dress quickly in jeans and a hoodie and slip into my vans before heading outside.

On my way to her car, just as Jasper walks down his driveway, I slip and land straight on my face. It stings and the chill of the ice and gravel burns my cheekbone.

"That was sick," Jasper says with a laugh. "You good?"

"Yeah," I groan, accepting his hand to pull me up.

"Oh shit, your face." He picks gravel off my cheek.

"Come on, Jasper. I'm not that ugly."

He rolls his eyes. "You fucked up your cheek."

He helps me to Alice's car and I check myself out in the mirror. Doesn't look that bad, but it doesn't look great either.

No blood, but my cheek swells with irritation, and my lip split on the bottom.

If I didn't know better, it looks like I was slapped. But the sad truth is this isn't my first time at school with these injuries.

We're already running late, but by the emptiness of the student parking lot, so is half the student body.

In the hallway on the way to second period is when I see him first.

He doesn't quite look at me, but he doesn't look away either.

But when I pass him on the way to fourth period, he stares openly. Blue eyes on my cheek heat me way too quickly, and tears almost blind me, but then I swallow them down and walk past him.

I think maybe I see his hand reach out the grip, but I'm sure it's just my imagination, so I walk as fast as I possibly can down the hall and up the stairs.

When I'm waiting in line at lunch, my phone vibrates in my pocket and I'm not prepared at all for the name that pops up.

What happened? Edward texts simply.

Anger boils the blood rushing in my veins and for a second, I can't hear.

The yells and laughs from peers, the slamming of trays on tables, the screech of metal chair legs against old linoleum… everything pauses and the only thing I can hear is the ire under my skin.

How dare he.

"I don't want anyone saying anything to Edward about my face," I tell Alice and Jasper as I sit at the table and unscrew the lid of my water.

I can feel his stare from across the room, and I don't need to look up to know he's there. I hate that I can still feel him around me.

"Okay," Alice says easily with a shrug of her shoulder, but my comment isn't really for her.

"Jasper?"

"You realize what you're doing right?" he asks with squinted eyes and a smirk against his face. He doesn't approve or condemn my choice, but he certainly enjoys the show.

"He did this," I say easily. "He doesn't get to know things anymore." I pick up my sandwich and take a bite even though I'm not hungry. I know he's still watching, so I want it to appear that we're having an easy conversation about nothing that even remotely deals with him. "Do not tell him, Jasper."

Jasper nods slowly and sits back.

"Okay, boss."

It makes me smile and the cut stings a little.

I am powerful in this small moment.

~!~

By Friday, my cuts have faded, and everything's back to normal. My house has been empty and I'm one week closer to getting the hell out of here.

And that's pretty much how everything plays out. Edward and I cross paths at school more frequently, but we stare straight ahead and act as though the other doesn't exist… so basically exactly how it was before.

And that's okay with me.

I never responded to his text, and he never asked again.

Jasper sits with him at lunch sometimes.

"They're talking business. Jasper's trying to get out."

"They're talking business at school? That's… weird."

"It's the only place they can. Edward's…"

I don't want to, and I know it's hypocritical, but I ask, "Edward's what?"

"Edward's on lockdown at home. His dad's cut back hours at the hospital. He can go to school and that's it."

"Oh," I say instead of what happened?, but it's none of my business.

As much as it pulls on the strings of my heart and settles uneasily in my belly, I let it go.

The party the weekend before Christmas comes and goes. I tell Alice I really don't want to go, that I'm not ready, that I'd just bring everyone down. She finally gets it and with a sad nod of her head, she accepts.

That Sunday, Alice calls me and bitches me out.

"He wasn't even there, Bella. He's still grounded. You are definitely coming to the next one."

"Was Victoria there?" I ask.

"Yeah, but who cares about her. She was doing cocaine in the bathroom with Lauren anyways."

"And what were you doing?" I ask skeptically.

She giggles. "Sucking Jasper's dick in the garage. He bent me over a motorcycle and—"

"I don't need the details!" I shout with a laugh.

"Oh come on, don't be such a prude. You're my only girlfriend, Bells!"

"Uh, fine. Way to guilt me."

Her laugh sounds like a melody and then she gets to it. "So he pulls my panties down—"

"You were wearing underwear? Impressive."

I can practically hear her eye roll. "Always in the winter, Bella! Anyways, he has my leggings around my knees and pulls my panties down before bending me over this motorcycle. It was a little awkward at first because of the height, but we figured it out. His dick, Bella… god, I could come just thinking about it."

"That good, huh?" I ask jealously.

"If it wouldn't be weird, I'd lend him out to show you."

"Oh yeah, I'm sure he'd just love that."

Alice goes on and on about these two skanks going at it on the couch in the living room before she finally turns to the subject I've been waiting to hear about.

"We're doing Christmas Eve at Dr. Cullen's. Do you want—"

"No."

She's silent but when she speaks, there's sadness in her voice.

"I just hate that you'll be alone."

"It's fine, Allie. It's just another day. I promise."

"Then sleep over Christmas Eve and we can be together on Christmas."

"I'm sure you'll be getting back late from their house, and your dad wants to spend Christmas morning with you, Allie. Just pick me up in the afternoon like you always do. It's okay, I promise."

She pouts and whines but finally gives in.

We hang up and I walk around my room and straighten it up. I fold clothes and clean off my dresser. I put away makeup and straighten up my desk.

And then I see what I've been willing myself to forget.

My mom's cookbooks.

How did he get them? I guess I'll never know. If Edward did one thing for me in life, it was getting these to me.

I haven't picked them up or thought about them in weeks.

Some pages are torn and the ink has bled from wetness, but I still cherish the pages she's held and loved and written in.

An asterisks in bold, blue ink next to recipe for funfetti cake.

*Bella's favorite, but swap the icing for gran's recipe

Another note next to her recipe for brown gravy.

*use low sodium beef broth for Charlie

And another next to lasagna.

*Give recipe to Esme—Edward loves this

His name in her writing makes me feel the weirdest way.

I shut and hide the books just in case, and when I lay in bed, unable to sleep, I let myself think about Edward's random tattoos.

The pizza, his grandmother's house, the unicorn, tall trees.

I hate to admit to myself that I miss him, but I do.

I've deleted all the old text messages, but not his number.

Maybe after the holidays.

~!~

Dude, this fucking sucks without you.

Hellllllllooooo?

My dad won't even let me have wine tonight.

Jasper looks freaking hot in his suit though. Damn.

Edward's being such a dickhead tonight.

I wish she'd stop giving me a play by play, but she doesn't.

He just told his dad he's not going to college.

Oh shit, now they're fighting.

Texts stop coming around six, and I'm thankful. I'm in my bed, under my covers, enjoying the quiet around me while I get lost in a book.

But then she starts an hour later.

Jasper says there's going to be this awesome party New Year's Eve and guess who's dad's going to be goooone?!

I can't help but reply. Mine?

Ha-ha. Very funny. MINE! We're going, bitch. Don't even try it. And you're gonna be my midnight kiss.

You sure you're not drinking?

Okay, so maybe Jasper and I are upstairs with the dickhead. And maybe the dickhead is sharing some of his private stash with me.

Have fun. It's bitter, but so am I.

I think he misses you.

I turn my phone off after that.

My mind races with too many thoughts and I can't shut them off. My dad was home for awhile this morning, and he just left a few hours ago so I'm sure he's gone for awhile again. I feel safe enjoying a hot bath tonight. I need it.

Making sure to lock the door, I strip and settle into the bubbles around me.

My entire body relaxes, and calms, and I think of nothing but the way my toes slide against the bathtub and out of the water.

My fingers prune from the amount of time I spend in the tub, and it's only when the water turns cold and my teeth chatter that I pull myself up and out. When I'm dry, a large sweatshirt and joggers warm me up, and so does the comforter on my bed.

With lights out, I finally turn my phone back on.

So many texts come through, and I almost feel bad about turning it off.

I read so briefly, just enough to know everything's okay.

I really do Bella.

He's taking over for Jasper when he quits.

He's seeing a therapist?

Well, he was I guess.

He's talking about you but he's so drunk I can't make sense of it. Something about you and Dimitri and safe. I don't know... maybe I'm too drunk.

Damn it bella, why did you turn your phone off?

It's just after eleven, and I'm sure she's passed out, but I send her a quick Merry Christmas. I love you, before settling down into my pillows.

I'm just close enough to passing out when my phone vibrates.

But it's not from Alice.

Come over.

It's weird and makes my stomach ache but in an excited-nervous kind of way.

So, I throw on my boots, a coat, and walk over to the shed.

It's warm and smokey and The Holiday plays on the TV.

Jasper lights up a joint and passes to me. I shrug and take it from him. The bath has relaxed me, but Alice built up all that tension telling me more about Edward than I care to know. The dealing, dropping out of college before he's even tried it, talking about me.

Bugs crawl under my skin, and smoking helps dull the itch.

"Fuck, it feels good to be with someone normal," he says, rubbing his hand through his hair.

I notice his suit. He must have just gotten home.

"Normal? Where?"

Jasper laughs and I'm so jealous of his perfectly white teeth.

"You know what I mean. Don't get me wrong, I love Alice and Edward, but fuuuuuck are they a lot to handle sometimes. Their problems are not my problems. Like, I can't relate to having a dad care so fucking much about me that he drops hours to make sure I'm safe. Edward doesn't fucking realize the life he's been given. He doesn't—" Jasper pauses and glances over as I inhale deeply. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm just… venting."

After exhaling, I tell him, "it's okay, I get it. I feel the same about Allie. She's always so cute and sweet and optimistic, and that's why I love her, but like damn Alice, I don't want to party every weekend because my dad's a fucking raging alcoholic!"

"Yes!" Jasper yells in agreeance.

We sit in conversational silence and honestly, it's enjoyable. The movie plays, but neither of us watch it really.

It's not until twenty minutes later, when Jasper's so faded, and truthfully so am I, that I turn to him and smack his shoulder.

"Did you really just say you love Alice?"

Jasper turns his head to me and smirks. His white button up has loosened considerably, and the belt around his hips is undone. One foot leans against the coffee table.

Jasper doesn't acknowledge or deny, but I assume that to be confirmation.

I could squeal like Alice, but that would just ruin it. Instead, I lean my head back and cover myself with the blanket next to me.

"Merry Christmas, Bella," Jasper tells me quietly.

"Merry Christmas, Jasper."

~!~

"Alice, what the hell?" I balk at the amount of presents she says are for me.

"Oh relax. You have no idea how much money I spent."

"I know. That's what I'm afraid of."

Christmas at her house is never this… extravagant.

"Oh, hi again," Mr. Brandon says to Jasper when he walks into the family room.

"Merry Christmas, sir," Jasper says politely.

He's given a tight smile in return.

"Merry Christmas, Mr. Brandon," I say as happily as I can.

He greets me a little more warmly with a hug.

Alice gets me new boots, new jeans, new sweaters, and a pretty necklace with our initials. They're all practical, and all things I'd actually wear, so I smile genuinely and hug her tightly.

"Thank you," I whisper, putting on the necklace.

She winks at me and kisses my cheek.

"I'm sorry about last night," she whispers, holding my hand. "It was insensitive to keep texting about—"

I hold up my hands. "Alice, it's cool. I get it."

She feels guilty enough to apologize two more times today, but I stop her each time and shake my head.

Jasper's gifts are practical just the same for him.

A new lighter, some sweatshirts, really cool boots, and, when her dad is upstairs, she gives him a glass blown, blue and pink swirled bong.

"This is actually pretty sick," he says before putting it away quickly.

"I got it at that store in Port Angeles you told me about."

"I, uhm, I got you something… but I can't give it to you until… later."

"Ewww," I tease.

"No, it's not that… I mean, it's definitely that, but that's not the actual gift," Jasper defends with a laugh. "And I got you something too, Bella. But I can't give it to you until later."

"Is it that kind of gift?" I tease.

He winks. "Only if you want it to be," he teases back.

"A threesome for Christmas? Ohhh!" Allie squeaks in excitement.

I roll my eyes. "Alice, you're something else."

Jasper helps Mr. Brandon with the leaky toilet upstairs while I help Alice with the small dinner she's cooked up. I wish I had brought my mom's recipes with me. A small smile lifts my cheeks as I think about Christmas with her.

Presents under the tree, the good kind of Christmas music, her old apron, home made hot chocolate.

"What are you thinking about?" Alice asks softly.

"My mom." It's raw and honest and the heaviness in my heart lifts for just a fraction when Alice hugs me.

She lets me cry softly onto her shoulder and brushes my hair away from my heated, wet face.

"Tell me some stories?" Allie asks while we set the table.

"She always let me open one present on Christmas Eve, and it was always the same thing. A pair of pajamas and Christmas book. I hated getting pajamas. What kind of kid wants to open clothes? One year I even cried, but my mom just smiled and forced me into them. She never gave into me."

"She sounds strong," Alice teases.

I nod. "She definitely was."

My sleeve catches the wetness against my cheek, and it's all blotted away by the time Jasper walks in.

"Well, you're going to have to quit flushing those pussy wipes," Jasper says, washing his hands. "You're clogging up the system."

Alice rolls her eyes and fights back. "I don't flush those, Jas. It's all your dirty condoms."

"Okay. I'll stop wearing them."

Alice ignores him and I'm a little relieved to know they use protection.

Mr. Brandon is in a pretty decent mood for dinner, and when Dr. Cullen shows up after dinner, I almost puke.

"Sorry my son couldn't make it. He's home ill."

Alice snorts. "Hungover, I'm sure," she whispers under her breath.

While those two chit chat in the dinning room, we head into the living room and settle. Bellies and hearts full, laughter on the tips of our tongue.

"This is Will Ferrell's only good movie," I say, watching him dressed as an elf making a mountain of candy spaghetti.

"You're high," Jasper laughs. "What about Anchor Man? Blades of Glory? Old School?"

"No, no, and no," I taunt back.

"Step Brothers," Alice chimes in.

"Okay, that was funny, but not because of him."

"Now I know you're high. Shit, you sound just like—" Jasper stops himself short. He doesn't need to finish the sentence for me to know exactly who I sound like.

It stings, but only a little.

Alice drives us back to the shed and tells her dad she's staying with me. He let's her go. Weird, but whatever.

We sit and chat and laugh and it's actually pretty fun to be the third wheel with them. Jasper isn't totally lovey-dovey in front of me anymore, and I think that's because I was just dumped, but also maybe because it's weird when there's just someone awkwardly watching.

Jasper senses emotions pretty well, and when things get strange after Alice's has hit the bong, he stands and grabs a gift bag from under the table.

"Here," he says.

"You even wrapped it?" I tease with a smile.

Jasper shrugs and sits back down.

Inside is a metal, rectangular case. It pops open like a mint container and is the size of a deck of cards. The top has beautifully vibrant flowers. Orange, pink, blue, purple. On the back is my name.

Bella.

"This is beautiful," I tell him. It's a genuine response, and I know he can feel it.

"Actually, the gift is inside."

"Oh," I laugh, opening the lid.

A handful of perfectly rolled joints sit neatly, stacked on top of each other inside.

"For when you're lonely and sitting up in your tower, Princess."

I don't even care that he calls me that name. The thoughtfulness squeezes my heart tightly. This is a friendship that, like a weed, blossomed so suddenly and strangely and swiftly.

"Thank you." I'm literally cheesing, and I can't remember the last time I felt this good.

I don't want to remember the last I felt this good.

"There's one more thing in the bag."

I pull out a lighter. Metal, dark silver, with intricate carvings. It's delicately simple.

Sadness strikes me briefly and I go to apologize for not getting him anything, but he's looking at me softly and he shakes his head. He gets it. He's telling me don't, it's okay. But it's not, and I'll get him back.

Closer to midnight, I give giant hugs and see myself out.

It's a peaceful night with snow falling slowly, crunching under my feet. My house is empty, and I can't really bring myself to go inside the darkness, so I walk around a little bit. The streetlights glow yellow under the snow. No tire marks on the roads make it seem so serene. I wonder how Mrs. Cope is doing and if she had a good holiday, what my dad's doing tonight, if my mom's looking down on me.

~!~

The next day Alice bangs on my door and it freaks me the fuck out.

Sudden panic swells inside me but then I hear her loud voice.

Throwing the covers off my body and trudging down the stairs, I pull open the door.

Snow covers everything and if it wasn't so early, and I wasn't so tired, I might actually smile.

"What?" I ask irritably.

"He told me he loves me."

I stumble back and pull her in.

"What?" I ask again with astonishment.

"That was his present. That's what he had to tell me. Alone."

"So what happened? How?"

"Well, he went down on me for an hour. Like it was the absolute best he's ever done. He was talking about all this stuff right before I finished. Like how beautiful, sweet, funny, generous, lovely, eccentric—"

"I get it, you're great."

"And then just as I came, he pulled back and says 'that's why I'm so fucking in love with you, Alice' then ate my pussy like it was his last supper."

"Did he also happen to mention how crass you are?" I tease.

Alice smiles a laugh and shakes her head.

"That's really sweet, Allie. I'm glad he could make your Christmas extra special."

It's a genuine comment that shoots straight to her heart. My best friend is in love with the baddest boy at Forks High.

"How'd he react when you said it back?"

"I didn't," she says easily, like it's no big deal.

"You didn't? What? Why?"

She shrugs and looks pensively towards the ceiling. "I didn't want to make it all convoluted. I want to give him his own special moment."

"Okay," I tell her with a shake of my head. She's two steps ahead of everything always, like she can see how the future plays out, and it's always freaked me out. But now I just roll with it.

~!~

The rest of break isn't so bad. The weather breaks and even warms up enough that I can ride my bike instead of bumming rides to work from Allie. With the money I earned selling with Edward, which turned out to be almost five grand—way too freaking much but I didn't count until after he dumped me and then I didn't give a shit—I have almost twelve thousand saved so far.

Riding home, I'm freer than I've been in weeks. I've decided to stay in housing and get a dorm during the school year then rent a shitty apartment in the summer just to save some money upfront. If I can get a full time job when I start college, I should be good for awhile. I shouldn't need a car to get around in Seattle—I can just ride public transit. Not ideal, but it'll have to do.

For the first time ever, I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Six more months of this life.

Six more months of my dad's bullshit, of seeing Edward, of the skanky girls making fun of me in the halls. Six more months of trusting the lock on my door, and making sure my room is as I left it, and worrying where Aro is.

Six more months and I'm free.

On New Year's Eve, biking home from work, Alice texts me non stop.

Please come tonight!

It wont be the same without you, Bells.

I need my girl.

I hate to ignore her, but I feel bad telling her no all the time. When I roll up to my house, and park my bike behind the bush under my window, I notice the mailbox overflows with letters and ads and newspapers.

I know I haven't checked it in days, so I grab the pile, getting ready to pitch most, but something catches me by surprise.

A letter stamped by The University of Washington.

Fireworks explode in my belly and saliva pools in my mouth. It takes a moment to remember to breathe while I carefully open the letter.

Paper rips neatly, and it collects on the old table.

One crisp, triple folded letter comes out, and I scan over the letterhead before reading:

Dear Ms. Swan

I am writing to inform you that the Committee of Admissions at The University of Washington cannot at this time make a final decision on your application for placement in the class of 2025's Fall term. However, because of your outstanding achievements and promise, the Committee has voted to place your name on a waiting list of men and women for whom we hope places may become available at a later time.

I can't be bothered to read the rest.

It's like my future squeezes my lungs and rolls all the air like a tube of toothpaste.

Devastated isn't the word I'd use, but I'm too obliterated to think of another.

I climb the stairs slowly and lean my back against the door, sliding down until my butt hits the floor.

My phone rings, but I can't work my arms to pick it up.

The sun slowly dips in the sky, and it's like no time has passed.

My plans, my dreams, my hopes are crushed.

I'm back at square one with limited time and limited prospects.

And then I see the tin can filled with Jasper's gifts.

And one's between my lips and I'm inhaling deeper than I've ever done. I cough, but it feels good.

When I'm done with half, the numbness doesn't tickle as much as it was, but it's still buzzing under my skin.

I don't cry. I can't cry.

It's like my heart knew this would happen. Things were going too well, so fate decided to shit all over me. I let myself wallow for a little while longer before texting Alice.

What times the party?

She responds in 3 seconds.

Leaving in an hour!

Pick me up.

OMG I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

I'm glad someone in this world does.

~!~

I toss on a black sweater, black jeans, black boots.

That's it.

Tonight is about forgetting everything and remembering nothing. My plan is to blend in as much as possible.

I smoke the rest of the joint and tuck another in a baggie in my jeans by the time Alice and Jasper pick me up.

"Hi!" Alice beams as I pull on my seatbelt. "We're going to have so much fun tonight!"

"I got waitlisted." I'm being a downer, but they need to know I'm not my usual self tonight.

"What? You did?" Alice asks.

Jasper meets my eyes in the mirror, but mine are so heavy and everything feels a little strange right now.

"Yep."

She could be talking, and asking questions, and being her normal sweet self, but I tune her out. Tonight isn't for her. It's for me.

We pull up to a huge house that looks sort of familiar, but I don't care to place it or remember anything about it.

Normally, we'd sit in the kitchen, but Jasper leads us down the hall and into a family room. There are bodies against bodies against bodies. It's so packed, I can barely make my way through to the sectional. Jasper kicks a few people out of their spots so we can sit.

"I'll go get you guys something to drink," he says before disappearing.

"You can stay with me," Alice says loudly over the music and into my ear.

"In your dorm? Alice, that's nice but—"

"We'll figure it out. We'll get an apartment if we have to—"

"Alice, please—"

She turns and looks me dead in the eyes. "I'm getting you the fuck out of this town if it's the last thing I do, Bella. Now stop." She's stern in her conviction, but I can't believe. I can't have hope.

Look where it got me.

"They only have a keg," Jasper says, holding out two cups for us.

Alice turns up her nose, but I chug down half the cup in one minute.

"Slow down, Princess. The line for the keg was hella long," he sort of jokes, sitting next to Alice and tossing his arm over the back of the couch.

No one lights up in here and I wonder if it's off limits. My buzz from earlier tapers but doesn't totally disappear. My red eyes feel dry and irritated, my throat is made of cotton no matter how much I drink, and the noises around me slow with the speed of the people. I don't really look at anyone in particular. My eyes strain, unfocused, on the hole in the wall across the room—like someone punched it out of anger.

Relaxation hits me.

I don't know how long I'm sitting here until the spot next to me dips and Jasper's smiling.

"Huh?" I ask.

The music has turned down and there's half the amount of people in here now.

"How much did you smoke, Swan?"

"One joint."

"Damn, girl. The most you've had was a couple hits. You good?" he asks.

"I'm fine. I'm good. I'm actually really good," I tell him with a smile, barely remembering why I'm supposed to feel sadness.

He sort of chuckles and nods. "Alright. I got you another drink," he says, pointing to the cup on the table. "Alice and I will be back in a few. You straight?"

"Yeah, yeah," I tell him with a nod.

And they're off.

I sit there for awhile more, drinking my beer until it's gone. When I stand, I'm much more light on my feet than I thought I'd be, and I stumble over to the coffee table.

Down the hall, I slide against the wall to help stand. It's not that I'm super drunk or crazy high, it's just that I need the grounding to keep myself here.

I wait in line for the keg and check my phone.

11:34 pm.

After I fill up my cup, I scoot my way to the back deck and sit on the step. It's frigidly cold, but it's fine. I'm fine. Everything's fine.

The baggie burns into my leg through my pocket so I pull it out and pat my pockets for a lighter.

"Shit!" I whisper irritably. I forgot to put the lighter in my pocket.

"Here," a voice says from the side, holding out his Bic.

I grab it and light up and inhale so deep it hurts.

This is what I've been missing. The boys told me to only take a little while they inhaled their entire lungs worth. No wonder they were always so much more relaxed than me.

"Thanks," I tell the person, handing it back.

"You don't remember?" the voice asks. "Shit, I didn't think I was that forgetful."

The person walks closer and his grungy hair blows in the December wind. Amber eyes stare back and I smile.

"Alistair?"

"Awe, you do remember."

He sits beside me and we catch up a little. He tells me what he's been up to the last few weeks and asks about my boyfriend.

"Boyfriend?"

"Yeah, Edward… you two were—"

"He was never my boyfriend," I interrupt. "We were just…"

"Hooking up?"

I shrug. "I guess."

"Well, he's a fucking idiot isn't he?"

It takes me by surprise, and the laugh feels so good in my belly.

"He is. But why do you think so?"

"Because he lost the prettiest girl in the state of Washington."

It's so cheesy, but it hits me right in the heart. I needed to hear that.

My blush spreads down my neck and when I smile back at him, he's leaning in.

I decide not to pull back. Maybe I need this, too. A little something to help forget.

Warmth envelopes me as his breath tickles my cheeks.

Just as he leans in, the door swings open and someone yells, "Two minutes!"

"Wanna watch the ball drop?" he whispers, lips still so close.

"Not really, but I guess we should."

I take another hit, stub out the joint, and save the rest for later before heading inside.

Everyone crowds into the living room as the ball descends. Forty four more awkward seconds. Alice spots me and waves ballistically. By the time we make it to her, there's fifteen seconds.

"Where were you?" she asks.

"The fuck are you doing here?" Jasper yells over the commotion.

"Outside," I tell Alice.

"Having fun. Like everyone else," Alistair replies.

Five seconds.

"You have some fucking nerve—" Jasper starts.

"Four, three, two, one!" Alice screeches with the rest of the room before she pulls Jasper in and kisses him hot and heavy.

Alistair turns me around and presses his cold lips against mine. They warm up in no time.

It's soft and different but there's butterflies none the less.

He's tall, but not too tall. He's thin, but his leather coat adds bulk.

He's straightedge so his eyes are so focused on me when he pulls back.

And then Alice grabs me and kisses me close mouthed and hard for several seconds before hugging me to her body.

"I did it," she whispers happily. "I told him I loved him."

She pulls back and I can barely focus on her. I want to tell her I'm happy, and I hope my face conveys it, but I can't. Not right now.

When I turn back, dizzy from the beer, Alistair's face hardens slightly as he stares behind me. Just as I turn to look, surely Jasper can't be that mad I've moved on, Alistair grabs me and kisses me much harder than the first time.

His hand wraps in my hair like Edward's used to. It pulls against the base of scalp like Edward's done so many times before.

His tongue flicks across my lips and I deepen the kiss.

He towers over me like he's got something to prove.

This kiss isn't sweet, sensual, or new. This is territorial.

I don't need to look behind me to know who's there.

I don't need confirmation with my eyes when the goosebumps from his stare give me all the proof I need.

My stomach sinks for a moment, but just a moment.

I'm not cheating on him.

I'm moving on.

So I let him lead me away from the busyness of the living room and into a quieter location.

"How often are you around Edward and Jasper?" he asks as we sit on a couch in someone's office.

The music is turned up now and I can feel the bass of the tune through the walls, but hearing Alistair is so much easier.

"Edward? Never. Not anymore at least. Jasper's with Alice who's my best friend, so I see him a lot more often. Why?"

He's looking at me cautiously.

"No reason." He shakes his head and leans back one the couch. "They just… they're bad news."

I can't help but laugh. "Don't I know it."

~!~

Alistair and I stay in this room until one when Alice texts me asking where I am.

He asks me all kinds of questions about my life, and family, and dreams.

He tells me more about him and I remember his dad owns a construction company that he works for. He's going to a trade school to expand the business and he talks about it with kindness and excitement, and it makes me forget my stupid problems.

"Knock, knock!" Alice yells into the room as she pushes open the door. "Hope everyone's decent!"

"Don't mind Alice. She's… bizarre."

He laughs with me and nods. "I get it."

Alistair walks me to Jasper's car and I can't help but scan the room and the perimeter outside trying to avoid a certain tall, handsome, tattooed boy. I see nothing and no one who resembles him though.

Just before I slide into the car, he asks, "mind if I call you sometime?"

The butterflies spread their wings again.

"Sure," I tell him softly. "I think I'd like that."

~!~

In the car, Jasper's eyes are on mine through the rearview mirror. He waits until Alice passes out.

"Don't fall for his nice guy bullshit."

"Huh?"

"Al. He's… he isn't… just use your head, Bella. Don't get hurt."

"Oh, you mean like how your best friend hurt me?"

"That's different."

He pulls up to my house, and it's like the conversation with Edward all over again.

"Bullshit, Jasper. Edward knew exactly what he was doing. He used me. He wanted me to suck his dick and then he dumped me. It was his plan all along—"

"He's trying to protect you!" Jasper yells back.

It's the first time he's ever raised his voice, and it scares me.

Jasper takes a breath when Alice sits up and asks what's wrong.

But I'm way too pissed to listen to anymore defense on Edward's side.

"The only person he's trying to protect is himself and you know it."

Shutting the door, I don't let him respond.

Upstairs, warm in bed, my anger eases when my phone vibrates next to me.

Hey ; )

It's him. It's Alistair.

Not so clever way of breaking the ice I tease back.

Pretty sure I broke the ice when I kissed you. Twice.

True. True.

Just wanted to make sure you got home okay?

Yes, thank you. Did you?

Yep. What do you say about going out?

The smile on my lifts my spirits a little. Like with you?

Yes, Bella, with me.

I'd love to.

He doesn't respond for a while and I think he's fallen asleep, but then he calls.

"How about next weekend?" he asks sleepily.

"I think I'm free."

Of course I'm free.

"Great. I'll text you this week and let you know about a time."

"Okay," I whisper back.

"Hey Bella?"

"Yeah?"

"You have a really pretty smile."

He's either laying it on thick as an act or he's just cheesy. Either way, he makes my heart feel like snowflakes on in the winter.

~!~

Jasper POV

There are moments in your life when everything changes. When you stop worrying about who you were and start thinking about who you're capable of being.

Or maybe that's all just a bunch of fucking bullshit.

"Where the fuck are we going?" Edward asks as I turn off the highway.

"I need to piss," I tell him.

Ever since the break up, he's been a real piece of fucking work. And not a piece of art work… a piece of fucking garbage that's been lit on fire and smeared in shit.

He's been nasty, and rude, and moody. Way worse than his old self.

I can handle a lot, but I can't handle him ruining himself.

I tried for weeks to get him to talk to her, to tell her that truth, but he just shook his head.

"It's better for her this way."

"Fucking idiot," I tell him.

"She needs a clean break. And honestly so do I. If she thinks I'm done with her, she'll move on. I don't want her avenging anything." He shakes his head and looks away. There's pain behind his eyes. Pain he's never really felt—not like this at least.

This isn't the pain of his mom, or the pain of a friend. This is the pain of hurting from a heart break.

"She thinks you used her. Got what you wanted and left."

"That what she said?" he asks, taking a drag of his joint and blowing it into the shed. It's small in here, and when we smoke together it's one smokey ass place.

"Her exact words to Alice were 'his plan all along was to get me to suck his dick and then dump me. Mission accomplished'. I tried—"

"Do you believe her?" he asks skeptically.

My eyes roll so fucking hard it hurts. "Dude, I'm not an idiot. I know you're feelings about her."

He shakes his head and looks away.

At first, I hated him. I hated him for what he had done to the business, to himself, and to Bella. He's gotten in way too deep with Dim—running his errands and knocking Charles Swans teeth out in his own home so badly that we had to mop up the floor with bleach—and is just now pulling back. He was drowning, flailing, and I've done all I can to pull him out of the water.

He needs to save himself now.

After I piss into the freezing fucking cold of an early January morning, I hop back into the car and pull us back onto the highway. Now that Aro's out and Dim's having us take over, we're traveling much more often than I'd like.

We talked about phasing me out in the next few months, as soon as shit calms down, and Edward's on board.

His dad is practically paying him to go to school next year after Edward told everyone he was dropping out, so he's going to take over selling on campus for awhile to see if it's lucrative.

He's in so deep I don't know if he'll ever be able to get out.

Come over and kiss my lips, Jas.

Alice.

Fuck, this girl is everything. She warms the coldest, darkest parts of me. Her laugh lights up my world. Her smile and those red lips and her sweet little face… Fuck.

Which lips, Allie Cat? I tease back. She's as horny as I am, sometimes even more so, and it's my favorite thing about her… I mean, obviously after her brains and personality and shit.

I'm so wet thinking about last night.

Fuck. My dick swells in my jeans and I have to readjust.

Last night.

Alice is wild. She let me fuck her against the glass of her dad's shower while he's away on business. I made her come so fucking hard she gripped the side of the shower door and it cracked.

"How is she?" Edward asks, glancing over.

"Allie's good."

"And her friend?"

"Also good."

"Good."

"Yep."

It's strained to say the least, but whatever. It's his bed—he has to lay in it.

"How'd her date with Alistair go?"

Alistair. That motherfucker.

Literally.

He fucked my mother.

Leather squeaks under my palms as I grip the wheel.

Fucking bastard.

"She likes the prick. I don't know why."

"He treat her right?"

"I don't know, dude. Why don't you fucking ask her?"

"You know I fucking cant, J. Fuck. Just tell me."

"Nah. You can ask Alice for the romantic gossip."

I'm pissed and taking it out on him. He deserves a little bit of my anger, but not all of it. Briefly, I feel bad, but then it goes away.

"You know she got waitlisted?"

"What?" he asks impatiently.

"UDub. She wasn't accepted."

"No fucking shit. Why?"

"No idea."

I give him this little piece of information like a little crumb to live off of.

"Fuck," he whispers irritably, scrubbing his fist over his face.

A smirk plays at my lips. I fucking knew he was still into her.

~!~

"My boys!" Dimitri greets us with a sociopathic smile. "Any news?" he asks as we sit for dinner.

Laurent across the table from us greets us with a nod. He's quiet and I can respect that.

"Charles Swan is still in Seattle with Aro. He hasn't been back since Christmas Ever." It pays to live across the street from the Swans sometimes.

Dimitri nods. "And the boy from the reservation. He still working with him?"

"Seth? Yeah, he's still distributing for him."

"And what are we doing about that?"

Edward cuts in. "He's been warned twice. What's next?" His sharp tone is met with Dimitri's sharp attitude.

"What's next is a firmer beating. Maybe I should show you how it's done, Edward."

He swallows thickly and shakes his head. "Message received."

Everyone's been on edge since Aro and Charlie Swan moved their making and distribution out of Forks and into Seattle. I know Bella's relieved, but we're more stressed than ever.

Forks is way less populated and figuring out who's overdosing in Seattle from Aro's bullshit is much more difficult to keep tabs on.

"What if we send in an inside job?" Edward asks.

Dimitri nods. "Yes, I've been thinking the same."

"Infiltrate from within."

"And are you volunteering, Edward?" he asks, cutting into his chicken.

"If that's what's needed." Edward nods but I know he doesn't want to.

Dimitri sizes him up. "Standby for details. I'll let you know."

The rest of dinner passes uneventfully.

This is the first time there is no mention of killing Charlie and Aro. Laurent talked Dim out of that a week before Christmas when he was loading his gun to head over to Aro's home.

"At least wait until the holiday's over. No one wants a funeral at Christmas, Dimitri," Laurent pushes.

Dimitri calms some but storms out. Laurent's been bringing in less and we're status quo, but Dimitri's stressed that product isn't moving as quickly anymore. There are less parties in the winter, and we're selling mostly green right now which gets us a quick buck, but nothing like powder.

Dimitri let's us go early and Edward packs the trunk with product. It's light this round, but I'm sure we'll be back in a few weeks for the rest.

"And when are you going to bring little Ms. Swan to one of my dinner parties? I'd love to meet the girl whose hooked Mr. Playboy," Dim jokes, bumping into Edward with a laugh.

It's weird and creepy.

Edward cocks a smile. "Didn't you hear, Dim? Your young stallion is back on the market."

"Oh, that's too bad! What happened? Her cunt taste like dead fish?" His raunchy laugh sets me off and I begin to walk away.

"I don't eat pussy, Dim, I wouldn't know."

"Atta boy! Drop by one of my parties. That slutty brunette still asks about you."

He nods to Dim as I round the corner of the car, opening the car door. "I'll have to do that. Have a good night, Dimitri."

"Drive safe boys," he calls as we buckle up.

"Fucking piece of shit scum bag asshole," I mutter, turning the car on and reversing down the driveway.

"You better be careful he doesn't find out about Alice—"

"I'll cut his fucking dick off."

"It's actually cute how pussy whipped you are," Edward teases.

A sly smile creeps at the corner of my lips. "If you had that pussy, you would be too."

Edward barks a laugh and shakes his head. Sometimes I forget their family or some shit when I talk about all the dirty, nasty shit we've done, but if it bugs him he doesn't mention it.

"You really don't go down on girls?"

"Fuuuuuck no. Who knows where that pussy has been or what's been inside it."

"Not even Bella? She isn't some skanky whore."

Edward's quiet for a beat longer than I expect, so I peak over at him. He's tense in his relaxation. His muscles seem to harden at the mention of her.

"It never got there. We never really… you know."

"But she sucked your dick? And you didn't reciprocate?"

He rolls his eyes in irritation now. Good. Get pissed.

"She sucked my dick when I was having a panic attack in the backseat of my car. I couldn't very well flip her over and eat her out then and there. And then we… stopped hanging out… like the next day."

I shake my head. I didn't really know of the time line. He's been pretty quiet about their relationship which was okay with me since he used to practically scream it from the roof tops with Vic. I knew he fucking really liked Bella Swan. That son of a bitch.

"So you really did dump her after she sucked you off?" I tease.

Edward play punches me. "Fuck off, dip shit. You know it wasn't like that."

Edward, Edward, Edward I think to myself as he turns the music up. I have to devise a plan and fast.

Baby. I text Alice to see if she's awake.

Handsome. She texts back.

Her words make me smile.

Can I come over?

Always.

I drop Edward off and make it to Alice's house by eleven.

She kisses me hard and long at the door. Her mouth tastes like I haven't seen her in days when it's only been since this morning. Her grip feels like she could touch me forever. And I hope she fucking does.

I lay her on her bed and strip her naked. Her body is so fucking sexy. Curvy, petite, pale. Tiny breasts bounce and hard nipples pebble as I ghost my fingers down her chest.

She keeps herself trimmed neatly but her pussy lips are bare, smooth, and coated in arousal. I taste her on my tongue and down my throat. Her fingers loosen my bun and grip my locks as I make her come with my mouth.

Then I fill her fully and entirely, giving her deep strokes until she shakes and clenches and praises god and worships me.

She flips us so that she's on top. My hands find any and every inch of her skin. She's my drug and I wish I could use twenty four fucking seven. We finish together, hot skin sticking together, her arms wrapped around my neck. When she cries into my ear, my name on her lips, I bite gently into her shoulder.

This fucking girl.

Afterwards, sweaty and sticking to her pale yellow girly little sheets, she rests against my chest.

"I love you," she whispers and I'll never get sick of hearing it.

"I love you, baby."

"And your cock. Fuck I love your cock."

We fall asleep wrapped around each other. She makes me feel like I'm home when I'm around her. Like I belong somewhere. Like I'm something special.

She makes me feel so fucking good I can't breathe sometimes.

~!~

The next morning, with her head on my chest and a joint to my lips, I tell her, "lets get them back together."

"Bella and Edward?" she asks quizzically.

"Yeah."

"Well, that might be a little hard."

"And why's that?"

"Because Alistair just asked her to be his girlfriend last night."

The smoke fills my lungs deeper and deeper as I inhale harshly. I'm a professional smoker at this point, but even I choke on the amount that I've consumed.

"It's been, like, a week since they went out."

She shakes her head. "It's been three, and I think she really likes him."

"Fucker."

"Why don't you like him?" she prods.

I shake my head. It's too embarrassing to tell her. Not even Edward knows.

"I just… don't."

Alice rolls her eyes and throws the sheet off her body. In the morning light, a perfect Sunday, Alice stretches her body and walks over to find some clothes.

"She wants us to go on a date with them Friday night."

"Fuuuuck, Allie. I don't want to."

"Tough shit," she laughs, crawling up the bed to kiss me. "I already told her yes."

I grab her suddenly, push her on her belly, and spank her ass.

"You're gonna pay for that, Alice."

She wiggles her ass and presses into me. "Promise?"

~!~

We're sitting at the diner with a very happy, very smiley Bella and her dumbass date, Alistair.

"Alistair works for his dad's construction company when the weather's nice. He's going to HVAC school or whatever it's called starting this summer," Bella says happily as she talks about her new boyfriend.

Yo, let's play GTA and smoke a blunt, boy Edward texts

Later. I'm on a date.

Dude, you're always fucking dating Alice. Maybe you and I should break up He sends a laughing emoji.

Well tonight I'm dating Bella and her boyfriend, too.

It's one way to break it to him. He didn't know they had become official, and he didn't know I was going out with them tonight.

He but he has noticed she's been a little happier at school.

"She's finally smiling again," Edward says one afternoon on the way home from school.

"Mhm," I tell him with a nod of my head, not telling him who it is that's making her smile.

He brings her up occasionally in any way that he can just so he can talk about her, but I don't give him too much to go off of.

Edward doesn't text back for the rest of the night, and by the time I show up just after midnight, he's downed the rest of his bottle of Jack Daniels and is vibing out to music on his couch.

"Didn't think you'd show," he says, voice even, normal.

I drop the bottle of Jack into the garbage bin next to his bed and sit beside him.

"We playin' or what, fucker?"

Sometimes this is all a guy needs. Video games, tunes, and friends.

Edward doesn't ask how it went or else I'd have to say it was fun, or if they held hands to which I'd say once or twice, or how often she smiled which was too often to count.

Bella seems to like this prick, and if she's happy and Alice is happy, then I guess I can't fuck it up for them.

I end up passing out on the couch and when I wake up, Edward's out face down in his bed hugging a pillow under his chin mumbling in his sleep.

I don't wake him up when I leave.

~!~

It's just after eight when I start my car and Bella calls.

"Hey," I laugh into the receiver. "Didn't I just see you a few hours ago?"

"Jasper?" she whispers frantically. "Jasper he's here and he's trying to break in."

"Who? Your dad?"

"No," she cries softly. "Aro."