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I've never felt a fear like the morning I wake up and hear shuffling downstairs. At first I figure it's just my dad… but it's different.
Slower, determined, heavier.
And then there's someone just outside my door. Four numbers are entered into the pin pad. Is it Jasper? Or Edward? They're the only two boys who know the code, and whoever's outside is most definitely male.
The tune sounds denying entry after the wrong code has been entered. I pull my phone from the charger and turn it to silent just in case. The person on the other side of the door tries the code four more times before banging so loudly I gasp in surprise. The person makes their way back down the stairs and I call the only person I can think of. After a few moments of quiet downstairs, I move to the window and before I unlock it to pull it open and escape, the figure below has me stumbling backwards so fast I fall.
"Hey, didn't I just see you a few hours ago?" he laughs on the other end.
"Jasper," I whisper, crawling back towards my closet as the sound of someone climbing slowly up the lattice gets louder. There's a handprint against the glass as Aro tries to open it. "Jasper, he's here and he's trying to break in."
It's locked.
"Who? Your dad?"
I cry into the phone when Aro slips, and I can hear the slue of curses outside. "No. Aro."
"I'll be there in two minutes. Where are you?"
"In my closet."
"Is your window locked?"
"Yes, but he's trying to get in. He's trying to open it."
"And your door?"
"Yeah, he already tried that. When he couldn't get in, he went for my window."
Aro rights himself after slipping, and while I can't see him, I can feel him. I can feel his presence, and his energy, his disgusting thoughts.
"Jasper, hurry, please," I whisper aggressively as Aro tries again to open the window.
"Crossing the tracks now. Stay put."
Moments later the knock of the lattice against the side of the house stops, there's no cussing, there's nothing.
I'm so in my own panic that I didn't hear Jasper hang up, either.
And then there's someone at my door again. And they're inside. And I'm screaming and crying and my hands are above my head in defeat.
"Bella, it's me. It's Jasper."
He bends and sits and pulls me in.
I don't feel embarrassed about crying in his neck, getting snot on his t shirt, hiccupping so hard I can't breathe.
He pulls me up, helps me slip into boots, and walks me over to his house. I'm so out of it I barely recognize when he sits me on his couch that it isn't the one in the shed.
A warm blanket falls onto my shoulders, and he's handing me a bottle of water.
I tell him again what happened as he paces around.
Silence surrounds us.
His long hair hangs wildly in the early morning hour.
"Bella, I'm calling the cops."
"No!" I shout immediately. "No, please don't."
"You need help. This isn't normal. Let them help you."
"Jasper, please. Please don't." My voice sounds like the squeakiest, weakest plea ever made. "Let me get through until May and then I'm done. I'm out of here."
"Who's to say he won't follow you?"
I don't have an answer. It's a fear I live with, but I can't think of anything else but escaping.
Jasper stands and shakes his head.
"I'm calling Edward."
I want to tell him not to do that either, but he shuts me up with one look.
He dials and dials and dials. No answer.
"Fucking idiot asshole," he grits quietly. "Fucking told him not to smoke all that—" and then he stops himself his phone rings. "Get here," he grunts.
Jasper makes sure I have everything I need before storming outside. Walking over to the living room window probably wasn't the best decision. He's there in sweats and a hoodie and a baseball cap and he looks… like Edward.
In the best and worst ways possible.
Hands are shoved deep into pockets until one grabs his hat and the other pulls at his hair. And then he's bouncing on his heels. And then he's kicking chunks of ice on the road. And then he's looking towards Jasper's house.
Do I miss him? I think back to Allie's question.
Yes. I really freaking do.
I just wish it was reciprocated.
~!~
Jasper sits with me all day.
"I can go home—"
"No the fuck you cannot."
"I'm sure you want to see Alice and—"
"Bella, shut up. Please." His hardened voices surprises me.
"Okay."
He makes me grilled cheese and we watch two movies in comfortable silence before his phone rings.
"Yeah?" Jasper answers shortly. He looks at me for a longer period of time than normal before replying, "no." Then he rolls his eyes and huffs before pulling the phone away.
It's Edward he mouths before saying, "you're on speaker."
"I heard," Edward says flatly followed by awkward silence and then, "uhm, hello?"
I'm frozen in surprise and worry and a lick of excitement. Tears well up in my eyes and I breathe my emotions back down.
"Bella." He says my name like it's the first time in weeks. "Bella, how did he get the combination?" It's quiet and non-accusing.
I lean forward to answer, but the tears really do come this time. It's hard to hear him. It's hard to be away from him. It's hard knowing he's doing this to help Jasper and not me.
"I mean, obviously he didn't have it because he didn't get in. But how did he think he had the combination? Did Charlie see you enter it?"
Did he? I think back, and there's no way. Charlie and I have never crossed paths upstairs. There's no way. "No," I answer softly.
"Okay. Are you sure?"
Is he serious? Jasper chuckles silently at my expression. "Yes I'm sure!"
"What about anyone else? Alistair? Has he… been… up here?"
"You're in there? Right now?" Edward. In my room. Right now.
"He's getting more alerts," Jasper clarifies.
"What a mess it is, too." I know he's just joking, and I want to laugh, but I literally can't. "Think hard Bella. Who else could have seen?"
"It's just you, Jasper, and Alice who know the password… and one time Alistair came upstairs with me… but it was dark and I don't think he could see." And I argue that Alistair wouldn't do that. Why would he do that? He doesn't even know my dad or Charlie or any other monster in my life. There's no motive.
Edward explains about the alerts for the window and door, how and when to use them, offers to show me. But I can't. I can never call him again.
I mean to delete his number, but I'm a weak bitch.
Alice comes over later and we eat pizza in the shed. He lets me stay the night—actually, he makes me stay the night. Alice holds me, and squeezes me, and braids my hair. She makes me laugh so hard I cry and we nearly forget Jasper's in the same room as us.
Alice and Jasper stay with me in the shed until I fall asleep.
~!~
Alistair is kind, humble, easy to talk to, caring, and everything I'm not used to. He asks how my day was, he offers to pick me up from work, he wants to come into my home.
"Probably not wise," I tell him on our third or fourth date.
"Why's that?" he asks, grabbing the check before the waitress can even set it down.
"My dad is a little…" I don't even know the word for it.
"Overprotective?" he asks, standing and holding my hand to help me out of the booth.
"No," I snort a laugh and shake my head. Outside, in front of his car on a frigidly cold night, I tell the truth to an outsider. "My dad's an alcoholic."
It hurts like I'm breathing in deep with pneumonia. Like I can't catch my breath. Like I'm ashamed. Because I am ashamed… but that's him and not me… or so Alistair says.
He pulls me in and hugs my body against his. "There's nothing to be embarrassed about."
The one thing I don't tell Alistair? He's abusive.
I'll save that for another night.
So, when Alistair drops me off late one night, and with the encouragement of Alice, I invite Alistair up.
"If my dad comes home yelling and pounding, just… please ignore him, okay?"
"He won't," he says easily, following me upstairs. I wish I was that confident.
The hallway shrouds us in darkness. I'm too embarrassed to turn on any lights and fumble with the passcode
"Here," he says, leaning over me to the lock. "What's the code?" he asks.
"It's okay," I tell him, pushing him away lightly with my shoulder. "I got it."
The numbers light up as I enter the last digit.
"I know you're a little scared, Bella, but what if I want to visit you one night? What if something happens to you in here and no one knows the code? It's harder to get in here than fort knox." It's a joke, and I try to laugh, but I can't.
"I'm very… cautious. That's all."
He nods and smiles.
Alistair turns on some music, we slow dance for a few minutes talking about our plans and hopes for the future.
But then I kiss him because I don't have any, and I really don't want to tell him that.
We kiss so long I'm lightheaded.
Kissing Alistair is different than kissing Jake or Mike or Edward. He's slow, and soft, and only gives me his tongue when he's really turned on. It's… a little weird, but I can live with it.
The bed creaks when we fall onto it. His hands tear off my shirt and then my bra and then his lips attack my breasts. We've done this a few times, and each time he's more and more daring.
Alice encourages me to go full force ahead, but something stops me every time.
Not tonight.
Tonight, I want him. I think.
We're slow in learning each other's bodies, and the pace is a welcomed change from my previous relationship… or whatever it was.
When his fingers crest the tops of my underwear, he pauses to silently ask for permission. I answer him with a gentle moan and a raise of my hips.
It feels weird. Different. I can't stop comparing him to Edward, the only guy who could get me there, and I hate myself for it. After what feels like an hour, and so many missed opportunities, I do something I never thought I'd have to do. I fake it.
And I'm horrible for doing it.
But I'm the best actress there is because he believes me.
"You're so cute," he smiles into my ear, taking my hand, and placing it on his jeans.
Oh, very forward. Okay, I can do this.
It's average, I think. Not too small, not too thick, definitely not… him. But he's smooth and when I touch him, he groans like it feels good.
And when he comes, there's no warning, so it goes all over my sheets.
"Fuck, sorry," he says, standing to grab some Kleenex from the dresser.
I make a mental note to change the sheets tomorrow. He pulls me in, my back to his chest, and draws lazy pictures across my skin.
Alistair talks about his life until we fall asleep.
~!~
"So, how'd it go?" Alice asks that Monday at school.
I shrug. "It was okay."
She opens the container to her salad and balks. "Just okay?"
"Yeah… I mean… I don't really have a lot to compare him to. Mike was a minute man, Jake was fleeting, and Edward…"
"Was a bossy horn dog? An asshole? Controlling?"
"Yeah, I guess so," I agree softly.
It's so loud in here for a Monday that I don't make out what she says next, and I'm left to my own thoughts.
Edward was bossy when we were hooking up. He was extremely controlling. Flashbacks of moments he'd tell me what to do infiltrate my brain in the middle of the lunchroom and I'm lost at war.
Touch yourself.
Keep your hands right here.
I want to hear you when I make you come.
Princess.
"But I liked it," I say softly before biting into my sandwich.
"You… what?" Alice asks skeptically.
"I liked it, Alice."
Alice doesn't judge or bash or demoralize me. She accepts and nods chews slowly.
"Do you miss him?"
The question is like a bullet to my stomach. It doesn't kill me, but it may as well have.
"I… don't know. I mean, sometimes I do. A lot. But then sometimes not at all. It's weird."
She puts her hand over mine and shakes her head. "Not weird at all, Bells."
"What's not weird?" Jasper asks loudly, sitting down across from me with this lunch tray.
I freeze up, but Allie carries on with a lie. "She got her period two days early. I told her it's not weird… right, Jasper?"
He shakes his head, ridding himself of this conversation. "Fuck, I don't know. Anyways, there's a pop quiz in Banner's class."
~!~
Since Aro's almost break in, things have calmed down. By the end of January, my dad's been back twice, but only for an hour to get more clothes or something. I snuck down and watched him leave with two duffle bags.
Good riddance.
I apply to the Evergreen State College. It's… not the best, but at this point I'm in survival mode and getting the hell out of here. I'll be away from Alice, from Jasper, from everyone. It's 3 hours away from Forks, and only an hour from Udub. I'm going to miss Allie.
"Bella, apply to Bellevue. My aunt works in admissions and I'm sure she can get you in. We can get an apartment in Seattle and commuting won't be so bad."
"Alice, no. I—"
"Bella, stop. I've been telling you since I got accepted to the University of Washington that I don't want to live in the dorms. Weird roommates, communal showers, random people everywhere. Ick! My dad said he'd help supplement rent as needed—"
"For you, Alice. I'm still going to have to pay my portion, and with going to school full time—"
"I found three apartments that are within 15 minutes of either school. Two are a two bedroom, ones a three bedroom. We're going to look this weekend. We as in you and I are going to look at our future apartment."
I hate when she makes sense.
The apartments are nice. One is in a sketchier part of town, and Jasper nix's it immediately.
"I sell to a group of bums two blocks from here," he says before we even get of the car. "You're not living here."
So we move on.
The second one is … eh. The rooms are tiny and the kitchen is even smaller. There's a small balcony that half my body fits on, and the bathroom smells like mold.
The third one though… it's a duplex with two bedrooms and a den. Jasper approves of the area, and when I walk in, hope swirls around me and I absolutely hate it.
"This is it," Alice says, running her hands over a craftsman-esque wood banister. The bright kitchen has a built in bench and table and a door that walks out to a small fenced in yard. The two bedrooms are separated by a bathroom upstairs and a small office across the hall.
"This is it," Alice says again. "I can feel it!"
She puts in a rental application, and we head to lunch.
"We need three months upfront plus security deposit since we're students," Alice says with a roll of her eyes as she chews on her salad. "If we get it, I'm sure my dad can help with that."
"I can help," Jasper says. "Just tell me how much."
"Me too," I tell Alice. "Since I'm the one living with you, I want to help."
Alice smiles and nods.
The current lease is up May 31st, and the landlord wants the month of June to clean and make repairs, so July 1st is the earliest we can move in. It's a little longer than I wanted to stay at home… but it is what it is. Another month won't kill me, right?
Alistair texts on the way home.
Stay over tonight? My parents are out of town.
Hmmm… enticing. What time?
How about 8:30… That ok?
He still hasn't made me come. He tries and tries, and it feels good, but I just can never get there. One time it brought me to tears, and after my Oscar worthy performance, he thought I was crying over him… that the orgasm was that intense. I let him think that.
"Allie, can you take me Alistair's tonight?" I ask, interrupting their very dirty discussion about all the places they want to do it in Seattle.
"Shit, Bells. I told my dad I'd go with him to his work banquet. He's getting some award." She rolls her eyes like it's an inconvenience to be a good daughter.
"I'll take you," Jasper says.
"You sure?" I ask.
He shrugs. "Yeah. I have to meet Dimitri tonight at a party, so I'll be going there anyways."
I smile a thanks and he nods. Life with Jasper is simple. There's no crazy expectations or let downs. He's very much what you see is what you get and I respect that.
But then he turns to Alice, kisses the back of her hand, and winks.
~!~
Extra clothes, toiletries, and my phone charger fill my backpack. I've never stayed at Alistair's house before, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous.
At seven, I'm packed.
At 7:30, I get my period.
Disappointed, I root around in my bathroom and pack some tampons, too.
By 7:55, I'm headed to Jaspers.
By 7:57, I'm stopped dead in my tracks.
Edward stands outside with a cigarette to his mouth. Upon closer inspection, it's not a cigarette and I instantly think about the handful of joints I have left from Jasper's Christmas present.
He turns toward me, and I can't quite make out his facial expressions in the darkness, but the little red ember grows brighter as he breathes in.
And then a beautiful blonde walks quietly out of the shed.
Her long, icy hair shines even in the dull light, her voice sounds like the way babies breath smells and puppy kisses feel like, and then she's smacking Edward on the shoulder and pulling both of us from our trance.
"Knock it off with this," she demands, pulling it from his lips and stomping it out.
"That's at least ten dollars worth of bud you just ruined, Rose," he says irritably.
"You can't buy new lungs, Edward."
She throws her arms around his neck, and he pulls her in. It feels less intimate as he refrains from kissing her in any way, but there's a comfortability in the way they hang on each other. His eyes watch the way my body straightens. I turn away as he finally leans down to kiss the top of her head.
It's quick, but my heart stings a little.
It's an intimacy he's shown me before, but I try not to remember it.
"Remember what your dad said?" she asks, pulling away.
Edward rolls his eyes and his body away from her. "Yes."
"Good. I'll see you tomorrow?"
Edward nods.
When her petite form turns my direction, the sound of her heels come closer. And then she stops.
"Oh, hi," she says. "I'm sorry, I didn't see you. Are you Alice?"
"No," I tell her quietly, shaking my head.
"That's Bella," Edward says, walking towards Jasper's car.
"Ohhhh," she draws out. Her shiny lips purse and she looks me up and down before smirking and shaking her head.
The blonde smiles as she walks past me and into the white SUV parked down the road.
So she's heard of me.
"Where's Jasper?" I ask.
"Inside."
It's cold, so I open Jasper's car door. Edward's by the front passenger, so I get in behind the driver.
He stands outside for a few more seconds before joining me.
It's awkward and quiet and I'm watching for any movement at all outside.
"The alarms doing okay on the window?" he asks.
"Yep."
"Any more issues with Aro?"
"Nope."
"Good. Good."
I've never seen nor heard Edward as nervous as he is now, and I kind of like it.
"I'm sure Alistair helps with that."
"And why's that?"
I shrug even though he can't see. "With him staying over so often, Aro can't really do anything."
"Oh."
It doesn't feel as good as I hoped it would. And it certainly doesn't play out like I thought it would.
In my head, Edward's always snarky, mean, confident. Now? He's shy, awkward, unsure.
"Bella—" Edward starts, but then Jasper opens the door.
"What?" I ask curiously.
He looks back and shakes his head. "Never mind."
"Ready?" Jasper asks, starting the car as we buckle up.
The ride is quiet, still, contemplative. The boys talk infrequently, and the deep bass vibrates low on my back.
Almost there I text Alistair as we get closer.
Not home yet. Give me twenty babe.
Ten minutes later, we're pulled up and sitting in his driveway. The dark house stares back. It's empty and I feel awkward.
"I'll just wait on the porch," I tell them, gripping the door handle.
"We can wait," Jasper says easily. "Did Alice tell you she got a call back from the landlord?"
"I missed her call earlier," I explain. "That must be what she wanted."
"Yeah. The guy said if you two can get the full deposit by next week, he'll draw up the contract."
"Next week?" It takes me by surprise.
"I guess there's a couple other people interested and if you can secure it, he'll take it off the market."
"Jasper, I don't have six grand to give—"
"I know," he says easily. "Her dad doesn't have it up front either. I can front you guys the money."
"No. You need it for school and stuff."
At this moment, Edward's phone rings.
He looks at it and groans before getting out of the car to answer it.
The pretty blonde.
I'm sidetracked.
"Jasper, who's Rose?" I ask quietly so Edward can't hear.
Jasper sort of chuckles and shakes his head lightly. "Well that was fast." He looks at me in the rearview. "She's just… some chick."
I nod in understanding. Just like Victoria, or Lauren, or me. Just some chick. "Got it."
"No, she's—" but just as Jasper corrects himself, Alistair pulls into the driveway. He's out of the car and looking towards Edward in irritable confusion.
"The fuck are you doing here?" he asks Edward who's off the phone now.
"Just dropping off Bella."
"Why are you doing it? Why is she talking to you?"
Edward looks down at his feet, his hands in his pockets, and I hear him snort a laugh.
"Maybe that's something you should be asking your girl."
"Bella!" he calls, walking over to the door and opening it. "You okay?" he asks like they'd hurt me.
"Yes," I laugh because it's a ridiculous question. "Alice couldn't take me so Jasper did."
"Well next time tell me. I don't want you—"
I glance behind Alistair's body and look at Edward. His eyes perceive the scene with scrutiny. For the first time in a long time, I'm embarrassed in front of Edward, and it feels terrible.
"He's my friend, Alistair," I tell him softly.
"Him?" he asks, pointing behind him at Edward. "He's a loser. He's been fucking everything that walks since—"
"I meant Jasper," I tell Alistair, moving away from him. I lean down to the driver's side where Jasper's window is already down so he could hear. "Thanks," I tell him kindly.
"You good?" he asks, nodding his head to my boyfriend.
Looking behind me at a pretty irritated Alistair, I'm not really sure, but I nod anyways.
Jasper nods again and motions for Edward with his head. Hands deep in his pockets, shoulder raised, Edward walks past me and to the passenger door where he watches Alistair kiss my lips in a territorial dance before walking me up the steps to the front door.
Inside, Alistair takes my bag and drops it by the door.
His kisses don't stop. They're deeper and more urgent than they've ever been.
"Bella," he grunts into my neck, peeling my shirt off. "Bella, I need…" his lips attach to my neck, my shoulder, my breasts.
On his couch, he's over me, undoing my pants, pulling them off, and then my undies.
"Wait," I tell him, coming to my senses. "I can't."
"Come on, baby. I need you." Alistair guides my hand to the bulge in his pants and rubs against me.
"I really can't… I'm on my period," I tell him.
He falls to my shoulder and groans.
"Uggggh. You should have told me."
"I did," I laugh, scooting out from under him. "Don't be so dramatic. It only lasts a couple of days."
"I thought maybe we could, finally, you know…" he says, laying on his back.
"What?"
"Have sex."
I look down, embarrassed that he's pushing the subject. Again.
"Alistair, you know I'm—"
"A virgin. I know, baby, but I'll make it so special for you. I promise. Don't you want it?"
He's trying to guilt me. It's not the first time in the last two weeks, but it's the most obvious he's ever done it.
Everything feels freaking weird. Usually, he makes me feel safe, okay, wanted, but right now I feel used.
"Honestly? Not right now."
He groans again and lays back on the couch, scrubbing his face in his hands. I know boys, like, want this really bad… but I grow more and more uncomfortable as the time passes.
"Look, I'm sorry, Bella. I've just been so wound up lately. My dad's been—" he stops short and shakes his head. I've never actually met his dad, and he refrains from talking about him a lot. I know what that's like, so I don't push. But tonight I do.
"What about him?"
I sit back on the couch and curl up with him. He smells like laundry detergent and mint.
"He stresses me the fuck out about the business. Always making sure I'm triple checking numbers and calling customers back and I can't make any mistake or—"
He pauses again and shakes his head.
"He expects a lot of you for someone whose full time job is high school," I offer simply, quietly.
Alistair stares down at me and smiles so gently it makes my heart tingle.
He nods. "Yeah, I guess he does."
It's a few more minutes before he kisses my temple and says, "want to watch a movie?"
I agree and we walk up into his dark bedroom.
I make us a comfortable bed while he sets up the TV. I change into sweats and t shirt while he lays in his boxers under the covers.
Twenty minutes into the movie, he has me on my back and kisses me softly. This is more the Alistair that I know. Gentle, soft, unhurried. His slow kisses turn hotter. His fingers press into my hips and he rubs himself on my hip. Then he's between my legs and when his hardness presses into me, I moan softly. Fingers tighten and he does it again and again before pulling away.
"I'll be right back," he says.
In the twenty minutes he's gone, the movie ends, and Alice texts me.
God, I'm sooooo bored.
Before I can reply, he calls me from down the hall.
"Bella?"
When I find him, he's in the bath, filled with bubbles, and smiling.
"Wanna join?"
It's a little strange, but I shrug and join him.
My back to his chest is romantic for the first few minutes.
"This is nice, right? Romantic?"
"Yes," I say with a giggle.
Then his fingers glide to my breasts, down my waist, past my hips, to my center. He rubs me gently and I scoot back a little.
"Alistair," I start.
"It's okay," he whispers in my ear. "We're in the bath. It'll be okay."
His fingers get more aggressive, and when the fingers of his left hand grip my nipple, I pull away.
"Ow," I tell him. "Alistair, I'm not comfortable—"
"Jesus, Bella!" he snaps. "It's just your fucking period. Let me—"
"No," I tell him in annoyance, sitting up fully and looking back at him. "No."
Standing, I grab a towel and wrap it around myself.
"I think I'm going to call Alice and ask her to pick me up," I tell him honestly.
"Okay."
Surprise hits me. Boy, he's giving up pretty easily.
With a shake of my head, I turn to leave, and he stays in the bath.
I have my jeans pulled up and my sweater over my bare chest with my phone to my ear in record time.
She doesn't answer.
I call her twice more. Nothing.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
I call Jasper even though I really don't want to.
"What's up, Princess?" he asks playfully, slowly.
He's smoking. I can hear it in his jovial tone.
"Can you come get me? Please?"
"Uhm, yeah. Give us like… dude, what—"
"Bella?" Edward asks into the receiver.
"Yeah." Tears prick my eyes as I pack up my backpack. Embarrassment heats me and I freaking hate it.
"What's wrong?"
"I just need a ride. Alice isn't answering—"
"Give me ten minutes."
The line goes dead.
My heart hurts. It feels like a piano playing the saddest, slowest song just landed right on it.
Just when something starts looking up, it turns to shit.
Hope can suck a big one.
In this moment, though, I choose me. I choose not to be the victim. I choose a different course than this one. I choose to be the me I deserve.
He comes back into the room.
"I'm sorry."
"Alistair, this isn't working out."
He sits on his bed, wrapped in a towel, and nods.
"I know."
"Did you ever even like me?" I ask.
"Of course."
"Then… what made you act like this tonight?"
He deflects. "You know Edward isn't as great as you think he is."
Anger courses through me. "Why are we even talking about him?"
"He fucked his best friend. Did you know that? He's been with different girls every fucking weekend since you guys broke up."
My heart weighs down further, and that sad song the piano plays amps up. "I don't care," I lie. "He means nothing to me now," I lie again. I should ask Alistair how he knows that, but I don't.
Alistair looks at me and laughs. "Yeah, keep telling yourself that." His eyes on me makes my skin heat up. "He has nothing to offer you. He's a drug dealer involved with shit that's going to get him—"
He stops, turns around, and waves me off.
"Going to get him what?"
Alistair cracks a smile. "Do you love him?"
"Don't be ridiculous."
"Have you loved him this entire time?"
"I don't know what you're—"
"Is he picking you up right now?"
I don't answer. His words grow angrier.
"You're the dumbest girl I've ever met. Dumber than Charlotte that's for sure. At least she knows who Edward is and isn't."
"Charlotte?" I ask, thinking back to the only Charlotte I've ever met. Edward's friend at that party. The same party I met Alistair at. "Who's Charlotte?" I play dumb, hoping he'll give me something.
"Ask Edward when he picks you up," is all he says. "And don't come crying to me like she did when he fucks you and dumps you because that's all he's good for."
"I'm not—"
"Save it," he says, standing and changing like it's nothing.
"Tell Edward that Honeydew ain't as pure as he thinks it is. Say it like that, Bella, will you? Just like that."
Something in his voice gives me the fight or flight feeling, so I slip through the open door and onto his porch, praying Edward shows up quickly.
Two minutes later, Edward pulls up, and I'm in the front seat quickly.
"What happened?" he asks, reversing.
"He just…"
"Did he…" Edward pauses at the end of his driveway, looking at me. "Did he hurt you?"
"No," I tell him. "Not really. He was just pushing me further than I wanted to go."
Edward starts driving. "Pushing you how?"
I shake my head, and Edward sighs. "Fucking piece of garbage," he whispers quietly.
And then I remember. "Alistair said something strange. He wanted me to tell you about Honeydew—"
"About what?"
"Honeydew," I repeat, looking at him, and he looks back curiously. "He wanted me to tell you it isn't as pure as you think it is."
Edward looks incredibly perplexed. His face contorts for a few seconds before nothing. He's blank and then he's moving quickly, turning around in the middle of the highway and speeding down.
"Where are we going?" I ask. He doesn't answer. "Edward, where are we going?"
"To get Jasper."
"Where is he?"
Edward's response is to pick up his phone and make a call.
"How many more people showed up?" he asks into the phone. "Is Char there?" He sighs and shakes his head. "Stay away from her. I'll be there in half an hour. Don't smoke that shit."
"What's going on?"
"We were at a party with Dimitri. Remember him?"
"Yes."
"He's my boss."
"I know."
"A few weeks ago I found out… some heavy shit… and I needed to escape. I went to a party at his house. Charlotte was there. She was my friend—"
"Alistair said you were… you were hooking up with a lot of girls."
"He's lying," Edward tells me swiftly. His palms grip the steering wheel.
"It doesn't matter—"
"It does. I've only hooked up once since we…" he trails off.
"Charlotte?"
"Yeah. I slept with her for many stupid of reasons. But I think she's with Alistair." He pauses, shaking his head. "It just makes sense."
"Why do you say that?"
Edward steps on the accelerator and we speed down the dark highway.
"Only two other people know about Honeydew. One of them is Charlotte."
"Who's the other?" I ask.
"Aro."
"How do you know?" I ask nervously.
"It's his newest drug. After the manufactured one was killing people, he started lacing weed with some other shit to increase the high. Two weeks ago I was selling at a party and Char had it on her. She offered it to me and—"
"Did you smoke it?"
"Fuck no, but she really wanted me to take it."
"Do you think…"
"I think she and Alistair are working with Aro."
I nod to let him know I'm listening, but nothing really sinks in.
"And Bella… I think that's who gave Aro your door code."
My head snaps over to Edward and I've reached my breaking point.
The tears unleash and I couldn't be any more embarrassed. I let it out. As ugly and loud and ridiculous as I sound, I let it out.
Edward drives carefully but quickly. When we reach a stop light, red illuminates in my lap as his hand rests lightly across the top of my thigh. My fingers dry my tears and when I rest my hand over his, he grips it gently.
I hate him for what he did, for using me and destroying me, and throwing away any hope I've ever had… for giving me hope in the first place, but not in this moment. Not tonight. Right now, he's the friend I need giving comfort to a broken girl.
When the light turn greens, his hand is gone.
~!~
The house we drive up to his huge.
"Stay with me," he says, gripping my wrist firmly and dragging me through the crowd.
Many stares at my chest cause me to look down. Great, just great. I pull back from Edward's grip when we reach a door and he turns.
"I, uh, I don't have a bra on."
My arms cross over my chest as the thin fabric barely covers anything.
"Let me see," he says.
"No!" I answer immediately, disgusted.
"No," he sighs, shaking his head. "Not like that. We're going into this room with… some people and I don't want them looking at your tits, Bella. I need to see if it's worth me giving you my hoodie or not. That comes with a slew of questions too. I need to weigh which one is going to be worse."
Slowly and embarrassedly, I lower my arms.
Edward stares and bites his lip before running his fingers through his hair and sighing. He shrugs out of his sweatshirt and hands it over.
"Here," he says casually.
"Do not, under any circumstance, let them think you're my girlfriend. Tell them we're fuckbuddies, you just sucked my dick and I came on you, I don't know. Do not let them think we're together. You aren't my girlfriend."
It hurts and it pisses me off for no reason. "Trust me," I spit, "I know."
Inside are a dozen different people, and two catch my eye. Jasper talks to a short guy whose eyes pierce Edward the second he walks in.
"Edward, my boy. You brought us a beautiful surprise."
Jasper's eyes snap from Edward to me and back to Edward. He looks panicked and so do I, I'm sure. If Jasper's scared, that's saying something.
Edward shrugs. "Boyfriend troubles," he says with a shrug and walks over, not bothering to check me.
"What's your name dear?"
"Bella."
"Bella?" he asks in surprise. "The Bella?"
"No. Just Bella."
He winks at me. "Your name precedes you, my dear. Come, sit!"
So I do. Between Jasper and Edward who both sit so close I'm squished. Dimitri doesn't talk, he listens.
When my dad's name gets brought up, Dimitri looks directly at me.
"And is it true this is your father, Dear Bella?"
"Charlie? Yeah. Why?"
Dimitri smiles and leans forward, cuts up a line, gathers it on his pinky, and sniffs hard.
"He's creating something of a mess for me. Do you have input into what we can do about this?"
Everyone looks at me.
A dark skinned man with deep eyes sits across from Edward. He looks hungry. It scares me.
"Uhm, I don't know. Send him to jail?" is my only solution.
The adults laugh. I don't know why it's funny.
"What did I say?" I ask, leaning into Jasper. He shakes his head.
"We're drug dealers. He'll nark on all of us."
I purse my lips and nod.
"What about—" Edward puts his arm behind me, under the sweatshirt and pinches my skin. It makes me jump, but he keeps his hand there as a warning. He wants me to shut up. "Never mind."
Dimitri regards us curiously.
He lifts his hand, eyes still on us. "Leave," he says to the adults near him, and they all listen immediately. It's like a master with a pack of wolves. And I guess that's sort of true in a sense.
"You and Edward used to be something of a thing, did you not?"
I look at Edward, he doesn't pinch me.
"No."
His hand slips lower, against the waist band of my jeans.
"No?" Dimitri asks intriguingly and I squirm minutely.
"You know, Edward. Can't commit to anything to save his life."
This makes Jasper snort and Dimitri laugh suddenly. It's loud, like a bark. Edward's fingers slip into the waistband of my jeans ever so slightly.
"Hailey Beiber could be standing right in front of him, proposing, and he'd still say no," I egg on.
Edward laughs this time. "Come on now, Bella. You know blondes aren't my thing."
Dimitri looks from both of us, watching everything including the blush that creeps out of my skin slowly the further Edward's fingers move down. He fingers the waistband of my underwear and the pulls back.
My skin chills with the loss.
Finally, and older man walks over, whispers in Dimitri's ear, and hands him a phone.
"If you'll excuse me," he says, standing and walking out.
"We have to go," Edward snaps, breaking his smooth, confident character, and leaning over to Jasper. "Like now."
We make it out to the car before a voice calls from behind us.
"Edward! Edward, wait!"
"Fuck." His exasperation sounds irritated and annoyed as he slams the door shut and walks over.
It's the blonde. It's her.
"What's going on?" I whisper to Jasper.
He shrugs.
Edward whisper yells, but I can't really make out any words. Her pretty face goes from confused to blank to cocky. She looks behind him at me and smirks. I watch as her fingers touch the lapel of his sweater and pat his shoulder.
She whispers something into his ear and walks past him.
"Bella," she says with a smile. And then she slaps me. And then she's laughing maniacally.
The fuck? I think before touching the heated skin of where he clammy skin just hit.
"What the fuck?" Jasper gasps.
Charlotte giggles in fits, grabbing her stomach.
"She's fucking on something."
"What the fuck are you doing?" Edward yells.
She walks over to him and smiles, touching his face and then his dick over his pants.
"Hey," he warns, grabbing her wrist and pulling her off.
"Come on," she whispers. "Remember how much fun we had?" She glances back at me and smiles. "I rode his cock so fucking—"
But she doesn't finish because I'm walking up to her, pulling my fist back, and shoving it right into her mouth.
But she doesn't act surprised or mad or embarrassed like me. She laughs. She rolls her head back and laughs.
No one does anything for a minute until I walk away and open the door to the backseat. The boys follow suit. Charlotte's still grabbing her stomach and laughing.
"What's wrong with her?" I ask as we drive away.
"She's on that shit," Edward tells Jasper. "Charlotte's working with Aro and so is Alistair."
"No shit?" Jasper asks, surprised. "That makes sense though."
"Why?" I ask.
"Think about it, Bells," Jasper says easily and it sort of warms me that he uses the nickname Alice calls me. "Any time he was over, Charlie never was. Aro never was. And vice versa. Coincidence?"
I nod thinking about it. "He used to look over my shoulder when I entered the passcode. And he used to pressure me into telling him."
"Did you?" Edward asks.
"No."
He nods.
"You fucked her? Ew."
He meets my eyes in the rearview mirror.
"She wasn't like that when we banged."
I can't help but roll my eyes.
"You really know how to pick them, Edward," I say in annoyance, sitting back and crossing my arms.
"I picked you, didn't I?"
"And look how well that panned out."
We drive back to Jasper's in silence. When we arrive, my dad's car in the driveway and every light in my house is on.
"Stay in the shed," Edward says, grabbing my backpack from the trunk and walking towards the shed.
I don't fight either of them on it.
"I'm going to pick up Allie," Jasper says before heading out.
Edward turns on every heater and lights a few candles for light before laying out a bunch of blankets.
The fact that we're in here together, after everything that's happened… It's weird and awkward but normal and sad.
I miss it. I miss him. But he's different. We're different.
His phone rings, but he sends whoever it is to voicemail. Twice.
"I need to apologize," he tells me, putting the TV on but turning the volume down. "I was scared and—"
"It's fine."
"No it's not. I—"
"Edward, please," I beg him. "I don't want to do this."
"Well I do." His raised voice quiets me briefly.
He's got a hand in his hair squeezing the strands and the other nervously cracks his knuckles against his leg.
"Really, Edward. I understand. Don't beat yourself up. You just didn't like me and—"
The snap of his head in my direction shuts me up.
"You don't know anything," he says sternly, quietly.
Blue eyes blaze into mine and the smallness of this shed closes in tighter. My lungs deflate, and I can't catch my breath. He makes me nervous, but not scared. Never scared.
"I know that you never liked me," I whisper painfully.
There's darkness, but not enough. My eyes have adjusted to the small amounts of light glowing from the candles.
Edward bows his head and sits quietly for so long that it hurts my heart. I wasn't sure, I only suspected. His silence screams a truth that tears my heart into confetti.
And then he looks up slowly and stares into me.
Our eyes lock.
His blue eyes shine bright, carrying a deep sadness.
"I've liked you since the day I met you. I've liked you since we were seven and I'd tuck flowers behind your ear in the meadow, or when we'd watch cartoons during thunderstorms, or when your mom died and I wrote a letter to fucking Santa begging him to take your pain away as an early present. I fucked up. A lot. I ruined your childhood, your adolescence, and probably your adulthood, too. For years I made your life hell, and then I tried to fix it, and now it's even worse. I live with this guilt. I absorb this guilt. I deserve this guilt." He takes a breath. It's slow and even like his speech. His eyes remain on mine. "But Bella? I always liked you. I still fucking do. Shit, I fucking—"
But he doesn't finish because his phone rings. He silences it. It rings again. He turns it off.
He's lost his nerve, but I've just gained mine.
"Why are you saying all this?"
"You'll never forgive me, and that's okay. I understand. But we have four months left of senior year and then you're gone. Forever. Even if Alice and Jasper stay together, I doubt you'll ever want to see me again. You need to know before you leave Forks that I never faked anything with you. The short amount of time we spent together was the most I've felt like myself since my mom died. When I ended things, it wasn't because I was bored, or didn't like you, or anything… it was because I need to keep you safe. Dim was sniffing around, and Aro still is, and now Alistair and Charlotte are working together. Everything's imploding."
I turn his words around in my head, trying to make sense of everything, to digest the feelings, to heal the wounds.
But I'm too hurt. And maybe it's just too late.
He's right. I'm leaving in a few months. Staying in contact with Edward could be a mistake—I'll never be able to leave Aro or my dad behind. They'll always be just one degree of separation away from being in my life.
And I don't want that.
So I nod my head.
I accept.
I try to move on.
