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Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes it feels like you want to give up. Sometimes it feels like drowning in an ocean of numbness and scars.
What happened this weekend, at Dimitri's and after, is not one of those time.
Because sometimes life throws you a bone.
And sometimes that bone looks like a tattooed boy with blue eyes and crazy hair.
And sometimes that boy can change.
~!~
Thursday, with school cancelled, Alice and I paint each other's nails and talk about how we're going to decorate our very own place. I have nothing to bring but the clothes in my closet, so we're relying on most of Alice's furniture.
Jasper says he'll help load my bed, but I'm too afraid to even plan for it.
Because what if my dad is home that day? What if he makes a big fuss? What if he does something to—
"My dad said we can have the old couch in the basement if we want it, and there's a round table down there too. We'll just have to get some chairs," Alice prattles on while I think about the inevitable.
A forever goodbye to the house that fucked me up but also hardened me in the best way. I am who I am today because of that house.
A memory of Edward pops into my head, and I'm lost in it.
We were in his car one day driving… anywhere. His hand on my knee, sliding up as always. A smile tugs at his lips when I glance over. He's content to ride with me in silence as I war with the emotions under my skin, in my head, squeezing my heart.
"What's up?" he asks, turning the music down so we can chat.
I shrug and swallow. "Just feel… funky."
He nods like he gets it and I know he does. He always just gets it.
"My dad was home earlier and was stumbling around and he started calling me by mom's name. When he does that, I try to avoid him. It usually means he's going to—" But I stop myself from telling the truth. It usually means he's going to hit me.
Edward doesn't say a whole lot, but his hand grips my thigh and pulls me as close to him as I can get. Which ends up being my entire left side resting against the center console. I don't mind though. His warm hand electrifies me. I feel alive.
Quiet consumes us. Normally, I don't mind. Right now I kind of do. Just as I reach to turn up the music, he speaks.
"The same water that softens the potato hardens the egg."
"Huh?"
He sort of smiles and takes an exit and then parks out front of Alice's.
"The house, your dad, childhood… it's the water. It's hardened you, beat you up, been unkind. But it's also softened you, made you good, shaped you into this intelligent, fearless, sassy girl."
When I look over at him, he's meeting me halfway and his lips touch mine briefly. It's soft and sweet and intimate and my favorite kind of Edward Kiss.
"J and I are heading out to get some dinner," Edward says as they pull on their boots, effectively pulling me out of my memory and into the here and now.
It feels cold in the present, and I wish I could close my eyes and go back to what we were. But I can't. And we can't. So I breathe heavily and wipe my memory like windshield wipers flicking rain away.
I glance up after capping my nail polish, fanning my nails. He's in a black hoodie and a dark denim. His thigh muscles stretch the denim tightly across his somehow-toned lower half. He doesn't work out and yet he's built. I'm a little self-conscious as I pluck my sweater out of my rolls, avoiding my wet finger nails as I do so.
"I want a burger! No pickles, extra onion, mayo on the side!" Alice calls. Jasper winks. He gets her so bad and who knew all those months ago that I'd be jealous of their relationship?
Edward smiles a goodbye before heading out. Maybe he is trying in his own quiet, weird way. The snow has mostly stopped, but the roads, at least from the view of Alice's house, aren't exactly in the best of conditions, so I casually throw out a "be careful" to the boys as they leave.
"So, how's it going with him?" Alice asks, applying a glossy topcoat to my lilac nails.
I give a shrug.
Honestly, things are technically going way better than I was anticipating.
Edward and I talked again this afternoon. In private. With a clear head.
He wants out and says he can probably do it without my help, but it will be much easier if I'm involved.
I've never been more at ease and I know it's because he's here. And he's apologized. And he's being… mature. I ask him what I need to do, how I can play the part, and we make plans to practice tonight with Alice and Jasper.
"I'm nervous," I tell her honestly. "It's been so long since we've been like that, and I just don't know if I can handle it."
Alice nods. "Do you forgive him?" she asks gently.
My shrug says it all. "Forgive is a big word, Allie. I understand why he did it, but it still hurts. A lot. I just don't think I can be the girl I used to be with him. It will feel… fake."
She nods. "So don't be the girl you used to be with him. Be the new Bella."
"Meaning?"
"Give him hell," she says with a sly smile and a quirk of her perfectly waxed brow.
She makes me laugh because I could never. I'm not really that girl.
"Maybe I'll find a happy medium between being his doormat and what you think I should be," I tell Alice with a laugh.
"Perfect!"
Alice and I clean up the mess we've made the last few days, straighten up the living room, and get ready for dinner.
"Where even are they?" I ask in annoyance. Honestly, I'm hungry and a burger sounds good right about now.
"Maybe the roads are really bad," she shrugs, climbing the steps to clean her room.
I stay down here and load the dishwasher. After ten minutes, and no sign of the boys, I send a text.
Where are you guys?
He responds a few minutes later. Hungry?
Yeah! It's been two hours. Don't even try to tell me you've been at the diner for that long.
Nah. We had to run an errand.
Are the roads bad?
Main roads aren't too bad.
Well, be careful.
You lookin out for me, Bella?
Yeah. You've got Jasper in the car with you. Alice will cut your dick off if anything happens to him.
Ouch. We wouldn't want that now would we?
I take a minute to decide if I want to respond. He's being playful, but a part of me feels a little awkward, so I put my phone away.
The one thing I don't want to admit is that while a part of me is angry with him, the other part is totally turned on by him.
I can't help but lean back, close my eyes, and reminisce. His fingers, his smell, his touch, his words, his control.
Subconsciously, my fingers find their way to my throat, and I miss the pressure of his large fingers against my skin there.
"Want to help me set the table?" Alice asks from the doorway. "Or are you still fantasizing in here?"
I give her a look of astonishment. "How'd you—"
She rolls her eyes playfully. "Come on, Bells. Pink cheeks, parted lips… you're like 2 seconds away from an orgasm."
And just as she says it, Edward and Jasper walk through the doorway.
"Who's orgasming?" Jasper asks, carrying two bags.
"No one!" I jump off the table and help him with the bags.
He smirks at me like he already knows.
Boys.
Edward carries in a tray of drinks and two more bags.
"Jeez, what did you guys order?"
"I'm fucking hungry," Edward says gruffly, pushing past Alice to follow me into the dining room.
It's pretty quiet as the boys set out the dinners. They get an appetizer each plus their own dinner. Alice is content to munch on her burger.
Edward passes me a takeout container.
"I hope it's still how you like it," he says, voice low, while Jasper and Alice talk about the dinner at Dimitri's this weekend.
When I peek inside the takeout container, I give him a nod. Tomatoes and extra mayo.
I nod and he smiles.
"I think I want a tattoo," Alice says suddenly.
"Of what?" I ask with a big bite of burger in my mouth.
She gives me a smile. "I was actually hoping you'd want to get one with me? Like sister tattoos."
Food gets stuck in my throat as I swallow dryly. It's commitment. It's forever. Tears line my eyes and I just can't believe I have someone like Alice in my life.
"Okay," I agree over everyone's munching.
No one's phased by my response.
"Okay cool because Jasper knows a guy who can get us in on Saturday after the dinner!"
~!~
The rest of dinner Alice and I look through Google at sister tattoos, and none really speak to us. I ask her if I'll need and ID because I'm not eighteen and she shakes her head. We take a break from looking and decide on a movie.
Edward's sister calls him, and he excuses himself for a while.
Alice and Jasper take the couch, and they sprawl out length wise leaving no more room. So now it's just me on the loveseat, and when Edward comes back, he's got nowhere else to go.
"We said we'd practice, right?" he asks quietly, sitting next to me.
His smell intoxicates me and for a minute I can't breathe. But then I nod.
And when he puts his arm around the back of the couch, and gravity pulls me to his side, I nearly panic. But I talk myself out of it because how can I help Jasper… and Edward… if I can't even act right sitting next to him.
And then his arm slips to my shoulders. It's rigid and unnatural, but it's a start.
"This okay?" he asks.
Alice beats me to it. "No, you're being so strange, Edward. It looks forced. Go to the kitchen, find your balls, and come back in here and act like you like the girl. Like you want put your dick in her or something. Jesus."
Edward, stunned, turns toward me.
I shrug. Don't be a doormat. "Better do what she says," I tell him, finding my voice.
Alice turns to me when Edward leaves and gives a wink.
Less than 5 minutes later, Edward strolls back in. He's looser and smirking and my stomach is doing that weird flip thing. His confidence rolls off him in easy waves. This is the Edward that gives me butterflies.
This time when he sits next to me, his body presses into mine and his right hand goes to my upper thigh, gripping tight.
I'm tense, stiff, anxious. But I also want him to move his hand way up. What if I scoot down a little. I'm playing a part too after all.
So I do.
And then his grip tightens immensely.
He removes it and wraps it around my shoulder, pulling me into his orbit. His lips at my ear make me feel feather light.
"Wear the black leggings to school tomorrow," he whispers. I want to laugh because what the hell? That's not what I was expecting him to say. "I like to look at your panty lines when you wear them."
And there it is.
He's back.
Too nervous to respond, I nod.
"Nice," Alice says, pulling me back to planet Earth. "But next time don't make it so sexual. You're supposed to be in a relationship. That seemed like you just wanted to fuck her."
"You told me to act like—"
Alice rolls her eyes. "Use some common sense, Edward."
Edward grunts and stands and retreats back into the kitchen. Alice watches him like a hawk and Jasper laughs.
It's less than a minute later, and Edward walks back in. His smile screams of pleasure and his eyes twinkle like Christmas lights.
His arm goes around me easily, something I'm used to after the last few attempts, but then he pulls me in and kisses my temple. It's honest and intimate and takes me off guard. It's something I'm not used to… anymore.
"You guys need to kiss and get it out of the way already. Bella can barely take your lips on her hair. No way Dim's going to believe this shit," Jasper says with an annoyed sigh. Alice doesn't disagree.
But Edward… he doesn't acknowledge.
He talks to me about college next year and his excitement to live in a dorm.
"Really?" I ask, moving to look at him.
"I thought about getting my own apartment, but I can't swing it next year. Maybe the following year," he says with a shrug.
But I giggle and toss my head back, unable to control my laughter.
"What?" he asks with a sort of laugh-smile, the kind you do when someone's laughing and you want in on it. "What's so fucking funny, Bella?" he asks, pulling away so he can face me, a little more irritated this time.
"You…" I gasp for breath between laughs, "…in a…" more laughs, "…communal bathroom." I'm crying at this point, wiping tears away, falling into his side.
He laughs back and shakes his head. "And why exactly is that so funny?"
Once I've regained composure, I explain it to him. "You, Edward Cullen, are so particular with your things, and where they go, and no one touching them that I can't believe you're going to have to share a tiny room with another boy and have to use a shower caddy."
He huffs in annoyance and sits back. "Laugh it up. Maybe I'll just come live with you and Alice. Save myself the hassle."
We banter back and forth, teasing, laughing. It feels good to bust his chops, and I know we're supposed to be practicing, but this feels natural and unforced.
"That was perfect," Alice says with a smile, clapping her hands in excitement.
I glance in confusion. "Uhm, I was making fun of him."
"It was flirty banter," she says with an eye roll. "And it was the most believable act yet, right Jasper?"
"Right, babe."
Edward and I glance at each other as the movie plays.
"Maybe it won't be so hard," he says quietly, staying just as close to me as before.
"Awe, have you developed a little problem, Edward?" I tease.
Jasper balks out a laugh and Alice looks on wide eyed.
Edward just stares at me in disbelief. When we were together, I never really teased him or gave him a hard time. This is fun and cathartic.
"Oh, there's no problem. I can take you in the spare room and show you if you'd like."
But coming up with a retort for this… it's something I can't do. Yet.
So I sit back, cross my legs under me, and plant my eyes on the movie. It takes a few seconds before everyone's bated breaths are released and Edward turns toward the TV. But his arm stays around the back of the couch, fingers touching the ends of my hair.
~!~
"I gotta get going. J, you staying?" Edward says later that night, just before eleven.
"Nah, guess I should check in on my Ma. I'll see you tomorrow," Jasper says, embracing Alice.
"Bella, can we talk in the kitchen?" Edward asks, jutting his chin around the corner.
Inside, separated from our friends by a wall and a hallway, Edward turns to me.
"What Jasper said…" he starts, hand in his hair, the other in his pocket. He's so tall and awkward right now that it's almost ironic. But I don't get it, so he elaborates. "…About kissing."
"Oh."
"Yeah. Uhm. Is it, like, a really bad idea?"
I can't even think of a response. Edward kissing me? Edward kissing me to practice? Edward kissing me?
"I knew it. Okay. Forget I said anything—"
"It's not a horrible idea," I manage to say. "Do you think we're going to have to do that though? In front of Dimitri? Is he just going to like point to us and demand we kiss? Because that's totally weird."
Edward shakes his head. Then shrugs. Then shakes his head again.
"No, I don't think so. I think Jasper means we're going to be… awkward… around each other and others until we sort of break that ice."
I scoff. "I think that ice broke a long time ago, Edward." It's snarky, and I don't mean for it to sound like that. It's just the hurt in my heart spilling out through my voice.
"I know, I know," he says quickly. "But if we want to sell this, it might be worth it to try? I don't know. It's stupid. Never mind."
He leaves after that, and when I tell Alice, she tells me to do it. Of course she does. Her response doesn't surprise me at all.
Which is why I asked her. It's almost like she convinces me. But I was convinced with Edward when he asked.
So that night, after Alice falls asleep in bed next to me, I pull my phone off the charge and text Edward.
Okay.
His response comes immediately. Okay?
Okay. We can kiss.
And then his responses stop.
For 17 minutes.
And I've nearly fallen asleep when my phone vibrates again.
Can I pick you up after work tomorrow? My dad's working late. We can come back here and… practice…
No. Not your house. Too many memories. I try to think of somewhere neutral. The shed maybe?
Good idea.
I put my phone on the nightstand and turn over. I'm asleep in minutes. It's been an exhausting, exciting, and enlightening few days.
In the morning, I have one missed text sent at 1:07 am.
Thank you, Bella.
I don't know why the simple gratitude makes me smile, but it does. Or maybe it's the excitement for later.
And then Edward's words from last night come back to me.
Wear the black leggings.
So I do.
Black leggings, soft pink sweater that dips into a V in the back with ribbon that ties in a bow. He wants to see panty lines, but I won't give him any. I pull on the only thong I packed. Exhilaration courses through me as I think about Edward's eyes on me there looking for my panties.
I tell Alice my plan and she nearly kisses me. She's the most perfect sister-friend. Alice is always on my side, my biggest cheerleader, my ride or die, the yin to my yang. And then it hits me.
We pull on our boots as I scroll through my phone to find a picture.
"What about this?"
It's a picture of a yin and yang tattoo on a set of friends. One has the black piece, the other has the white.
"It's perfect," she agrees with a smile.
We talk about placement as we brush off the car and make our way to school. The roads aren't too bad, but over a foot of fresh powder is pushed against the sidewalks, making room for students to walk into the school.
I don't see Edward until third period. He's got on skinny jeans, boots, and a navy-blue hoodie zipped halfway up. The gray t shirt underneath peaks out. He doesn't see me yet, and that's okay. I like this uninterrupted moment where I can watch him in secret.
His lips move as he and Jasper discuss something. Anything. It could be about the roman empire, and I'd still listen. He wets his lips with the tip of his tongue as Jasper talks.
And then Alice walks up to Jasper and hugs him from behind. Edward glances around, either consciously or subconsciously, but I give him what he wants.
Before he turns straight ahead, I'm turned around and walking away from him. The sweater rides up on purpose in the back. He's got the perfect view if he wants.
And he definitely wants because at lunch he doesn't take his eyes off of me.
And then in science, when I pass his desk to hand in my worksheet, he stares blatantly at my hip area even when I turn around and walk back.
I can't help the smirk that spreads across my face. Alice gives me a thumbs up.
Edward stands then and turns his paper in as well. I shamelessly watch him. His back stretches the material of the hoodie. His tatted forearms on display as the sleeves are bunched up. And when he turns and walks back to his lab table in front of me, he moves his hand from his crotch and pulls on it as guys do subconsciously. But this wasn't subconscious. No. It was deliberate.
He's half hard and tented in his jeans.
Now it's my turn to blatantly stare and his turn to smirk.
~!~
Work flies by. With the library shut down for a few days, I busy myself with cleaning any surface I can find.
Still good for tonight? Edward texts just after 5:30.
Yeah. Why? Are you cancelling?
Fuck no.
I scrub under the library counter and in the drawers even harder, trying to think of anything but my lips on Edward's in t-minus 30 minutes.
At 5:57, he says Here.
At 5:59, I'm saying goodbye to Mrs. Copeland.
At 6:01, I'm falling into his car.
Now, with the looming fear of what's about to happen, and lack of witty banter, things are tense.
We don't say much on the way over to Jasper's. His car isn't in the driveway, but mine is full.
"He said I could come back tonight," I say aloud, confused.
"Not with all of them there you're not," Edward says. "Come on before they see you." Edward grabs my wrist and pulls me away quickly.
Inside the shed, it's already lit and warm. He must have been here before he picked me up. I watch as Edward rolls a thick joint, lights the end until it catches, and puffs until he can pull in a lungful.
"This might help us loosen up," he says honestly, handing me the joint.
I'll do just about anything right now to loosen up, so I sit closer to him on the couch and inhale deeply, swallowing dry smoke into my body and then exhaling slowly.
Edward licks his dry lips and watches my throat muscles.
"What?" I ask.
"Nothing," he says, shaking his head.
We share the joint, but he smokes most of it. I start to feel the familiar tingles and the weightlessness of everything. I float next to Edward as he turns down the TV and turns up the music. There's soft light dancing around us.
"Remember when Jasper and Alice first got together?" he asks with a laugh. "And he was such a pussy about everything?"
"Yeah, and Alice was trying to pretend it didn't bother her."
We share similar stories about our friends during that time. Alice trying to be tough, Jasper staring at Alice any chance he got. Neither making the move that needed to be done.
"God, they were such bitches, huh?" he jokes.
Edward sits low on the couch, his legs spread, head resting against the back of the couch. He exudes leisure.
And then his finger reaches out to touch my leg.
And I'm reminded why I'm here.
"Remember when we were little and I asked if I could use some of your Chapstick and you gave me lipstick?"
"It said soothing on the cap," I defend. "Wildberry Red was definitely your color, though."
He laughs and nods. "My mom thought it was so fucking funny. She took a picture of me. I wish I still had it."
"I'm sure I can find a color similar if you'd like to recreate the picture?"
"Oh, I bet you'd like that," he jokes easily, slipping his hand over the swell of my thigh, resting on the inside midway up.
"Would you?" I retort.
He sits up and moves closer. Flirty banter gone. Nerves zipping through my skin like electricity.
"I wasn't being serious about the leggings, you know?" he says, looking down, rubbing his hand up and down my thigh.
"You don't like them?"
He looks down, shakes his head, and glances up through his lashes. Oh shit. That smirk.
"I love them."
"And… did you… do what you said you would do?" I ask quietly, stammering over my words as his blue eyes stare me down.
"What did I say I would do?" he teases quietly.
I clear my throat and breathe. "Look for… my… panty lines?"
He smiles, moving in closer until I can smell the weed on his breath.
"I tried, Bella. I tried all fucking day."
His lips are centimeters from mine and my heart races so fast I know he can hear it.
"And?"
He doesn't finish his thought or mine. Suddenly but slowly, his lips graze against mine and it feels warm and familiar and like clouds break and the sun shines. It's all warm and wet and gentle. It's calm and knowing and testing. It's over before it begins.
He pulls back and looks at me.
"Is that okay?" he asks softly.
Edward's blue eyes, while lazy from the joint, are crystal clear and concerned. He's making sure I'm comfortable, and that's a new leaf sprouting from this new tree of his.
I'm on him embarrassingly fast.
I kneel next to him, above him, pushing his back into the couch. Edward helps me straddle his lap, but I don't kneel. I stay above his body so I'm not tempted. So I feel nothing.
But then I press my lips harder to his and everything comes back.
His tongue on my lips, in my mouth. His teeth on my neck, in my flesh. His fingers scraping my thighs, inside me.
A chill shutters through me and I pull back with a gasp.
"I'm so sorry," I huff. "I attacked you."
He laughs like my mortification is funny. "You didn't. I liked it."
"You did?"
He nods. "Yes. I… I missed this, Bella. I know I shouldn't say that yet… right now… but I fucking miss you."
I don't admit that I miss him, too. I'm not ready for that yet.
What I am ready for, what my body is ready for, is his lips against me in anyway he'll give.
So I kiss him again.
And again.
And again.
And again until we're resting our lips against each other longer and heavier. But no tongue. And that's okay. I'll take this tonight.
Eventually, my back hurts enough where sitting in his lap seems better than hovering. I lower myself, avoiding the bulge.
But he kisses me hard, and I'm breathless, and his hand on my hip pulls me enough to throw off my balance, and now I'm on his erection, over his hard on, and he's gasping in my mouth.
"Okay, that's probably good, right?" he pants, holding my hips still so I don't bump against him again.
"Uhm, yes," I agree.
We sit and stare and breathe heavily, calming down while studying each other's breaths and body. Eventually, his grip loosens on my hip and I'm able to climb off.
My lips buzz. My skin tingles. My heart dances. My vagina flutters.
It's been so long since I touched myself, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I want to.
It takes a while before Edward says anything again, but when he does, it's friendly… like we didn't just kiss like never before. Like his lips didn't just breathe life back into me.
~!~
We stay for another hour, talking about nothing and everything at the same time. It's like we're getting to know each other all over again. In a normal way. With nothing between us but our past.
I know everything he used to keep hidden. He knows everything even if I don't want him to.
No secrets separate us anymore.
"So tomorrow we'll just… be normal," he says simply. "Whatever feels natural to us in the moment. And if he doesn't believe it or get it or whatever… then I'll just… I'll figure it out. But I can't thank you enough, Bella. You have been…" he trails off, tugging at his hair. "So understanding."
"I want you… and Jasper… to be able to get out. Once and for all. So if I have to pretend tomorrow, then that's not asking a lot."
Edward freezes and looks over at me. "Right."
He stands and shuts everything off. When he turns off the space heater, I know we're leaving.
Outside, my driveway is still full.
"I'll take you to Alice's," he says.
It's not mean, but it isn't friendly.
Alice greets me the way a best friend would.
"Jasper's over and I'm about to ride his dick soooo…" she trails off.
I nod and push her away, kicking off my shoes.
"Do you want to stay?" I ask Edward.
"Nah," he says shaking his head. "I'll see ya."
I find my way to the spare room and strip. Thinking about tonight has me squeezing my thighs together. His lips on my mine, his erection pressed against me, his eyes on my leggings all day. His clipped tones in the car. His annoyance at the front door.
Don't be a doormat whispers in my head.
The old Bella would accept and move on. The old Bella wouldn't ask questions. The old Bella would take the shit Edward throws out.
Not this Bella.
So I dial his number.
It goes to voicemail.
Twice.
What's your fucking problem?
Okay, maybe that's a littler harsh, but no, he sent me to voicemail twice after pulling an attitude.
He responds almost immediately. So he is avoiding my calls.
Let's call it off tomorrow. No point.
I call again. Nothing. Now I'm getting pissed.
Why?
He doesn't respond right away which only aggravates me more.
Would hate for you to have to pretend anything.
Oh.
Oh!
I didn't mean it like that. And why are you all upset over it?
He doesn't respond at all now. I try not to let it get to me, but I can't help it.
Over an hour later, and he finally texts back.
I still fucking like you. I think about you all the fucking time. I have for months. I want it the way it used to be, but I know that'll never happen. I fucked everything up so I just have to live with it. It's easier to say over text. I'm no good talking about feelings. This is all my fault and trust me I know that. When we kissed today it just reminded me of stuff… I'm sorry if I forced you into it.
A lump forms in my throat and I feel guilty, or sad, or I don't even know. I feel upset for him and for me and for us. I want us back too, but it won't happen. Not like we used to be. So I decide to tell him the truth.
You didn't force me. I wanted it to. Kissing you today brought up a lot of old feelings. But those feelings have been back for a bit now… or maybe they never really went away. I don't know. But we can never be what we used to be, Edward. That Bella doesn't exist anymore, but the new one does.
Edward doesn't respond at all. I fall asleep to the heavy beat of my exhausted heart.
~!~
I wake with a start. My phone rings under my pillow.
It's just after two in the morning.
"Hello?"
"Bella."
"Edward, what's wrong?"
"Nothing, I just… wanted to hear your voice."
"Oh. Uh. Okay. Hi?"
"Hi," he breathes a laugh and it relaxes me.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"Say something else," I laugh through a yawn.
"I was thinking about this new Bella… do you think she'd, uh, let me get to know her?"
It's so late, so I don't have a witty remark for him.
"Uhm. Probably."
"Okay," he breathes like he's been holding it for hours.
"Okay."
"Hey Bella?"
"Hm?"
"I really fucking miss you."
~!~
Just after eleven the next morning, Alice jumps on the bed, waking me up. I stayed up on the phone with Edward until after 3 and then texted with him until 4. It feels new, like we never even had a past, but exciting all the same. A part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop, and the other part of me just doesn't fucking care about shoes.
"Go away," I whine, pulling the covers over my head, cocooning into myself.
"Can't! My dad's almost home and he's going to want to do shit." Alice huffs like it's a big deal.
I pop up and pull my leggings on. "Okay, let me get dressed and Jasper can take me home."
"He left at like five this morning bitch, and you're not going anywhere."
"It's fine. I'm sure your dad will—"
"You're staying," she says in finality. Her serious tone would maybe freak me out if she didn't say what she said next. "I let Jasper put it in my butt last night."
~!~
Her dad gets in around one, and we order in some lunch. Her dad isn't surprised to see me. In fact, he bought me a mug. The act brings tears to my eyes and I have to excuse myself to the bathroom after I hug him so I can dry my tears.
He passes out on the couch around three, and Alice and I head upstairs to get ready.
Be there at 4:30 Edward texts as I start curling my hair.
"I'm nervous," I admit. And then I tell Alice everything.
About the shed, and smoking with Edward, and his hand on my leg, then my hip. His lips on mine. His grip on my hip. His attitude when he dropped me off. Him missing me. Me missing him. Talking for hours. Everything.
"Seems like you've both matured," she says, lining her lips in red. "Maybe it'll work out this time."
"This time?"
"I mean, did you agree to going on a date with him?"
"I agreed to let him get to know me."
She looks at me like I'm naïve, and maybe I am. "And how do you think he's going to do that, Bells?"
Well, shit.
~!~
I borrow a tight black dress with a high neck from Alice. It conforms to my body, hugging my belly, but also my curves. Uncomfortable by the tightness, I borrow a long sweater that hits mid-calf, and put on some mary janes. These are the only heels I can walk in.
I feel good.
I look good.
Confidence radiates through my smile.
Alice does a simple, loose bun at the nape of my neck, curling tendrils around my face. It's easy, like I'm not trying too hard.
Jasper drives. Alice sits up front. Edward helps me buckle up in the back.
"You doing ok?" he asks as Alice and Jasper dive into easy conversation up front.
"I'm a little nervous."
Edward nods in understanding. "Don't stress, Bella. It'll be okay either way."
But it won't. Because what happens if Dimitri doesn't believe us? What happens if I'm not convincing, or too awkward, or too hurt to pretend in front of other people that aren't our friends? Does that mean Edward will be trapped? Will he be able to escape?
It comes down to me.
"Hey," he says softly next to me. "Hey," he says again, pressing on my chin with his thumb to release my bottom lip from my teeth. "It'll be okay. I promise." Edward offers me his pinky and I lock mine with his.
When we arrive, I'm taken aback by the size of the home.
"His house in California's even bigger," he says before we get out of the car.
We walk up to the door and just as it opens, Edward leans down to my ear and whispers, "you look so fucking pretty tonight."
Glancing up at him, his eyes on mine, I want to kiss him. Badly.
But the door swings open and there stands Dimitri.
"Come in. Welcome," he says easily.
It's strange this middle-aged man is hanging out with high school kids on a Saturday night, but I guess it's just business for him.
He offers us beer, mixed drinks, hard seltzers, anything. Jasper takes a water and so do I, but Alice takes a White Claw, and Edward sips on a beer.
After small talk and forced laughs, it grows quiet.
Dimitri breaks the silence. "Tell me, how long have you two been together? From my understanding, Edward has always said he doesn't do relationships."
Dimitri glances between the two of us. I'm paralyzed in fear.
Edward simply places his fingers against my knee, cupping the curved bone, and squeezes. He relaxes me slightly, and then he speaks.
"Bella and I have a sordid history, unfortunately. We were best friends for the first eight years of our lives, and then we had some… family traumas separate from each other. We all know I don't handle things well. At all. I ended up pushing her away, fucking up her life, fucking up my own. We didn't reconnect until her best friend and my best friend started hooking up. And then things sort of just evolved."
Dimitri nods. His fingers steepled in front of him, elbows resting on the arms of his chair. "I see."
"We were together without the labels, but I always considered her my girlfriend." This takes me by surprise. Girlfriend. "It lasted a few months until I fucked it up… if you can believe that." Edward's joke doesn't reach anyone but himself. Dimitri still stares on. "Shit was getting intense with work, Aro, everything. I didn't want to put her in harms way any more than she already was."
I chance a glance at Dimitri. Last time I was here was the night with Alistair. I don't know how I didn't realize the beauty of the home, but I try and focus on Dimitri straight ahead of me. Last time, he was jovial, laughing, excited to meet me. Tonight, he's short, sharp, guarded.
Fear pumps through me. I need to ground myself before my heart accelerates into a panic attack.
My hand finds Edward's and we lock fingers.
My body soothes and relaxes slowly as Edward continues.
"Our time spent apart opened my eyes. Watching her with other guys fucked me up. I made mistakes, we all know that, but then I just woke up one day and thought 'I'm going to get her back', so I tried. And I'm still trying."
Oh, no. This isn't what we had planned. Edward squeezes my hand.
"We're not together like that, but I've never been closer to anyone in my life. Not like this. Bella gets me, and accepts me, and she doesn't look at me with pity like everyone else. I'll do whatever I need to in order to prove myself to her. She doesn't deserve this life. She's lived this life, with her dad, for the last decade. She deserves more than any of us could give her, but I'm going to try."
Dimitri continues to look, and the quiet surrounds us.
"And Bella?" he asks.
"Yes?"
"Is that how you feel as well?"
I swallow so hard I'm sure he can hear it.
But I'm here to help these boys. To help Edward.
So I tell Dimitri the truth.
"What Edward did… hurt me. A lot. I never wanted to see him, talk to him, breathe the same air as him ever again. I hated him for what he did." The honesty hurts, but it's cathartic. Edward grips my hand in encouragement. It says let it out. "It still hurts, but I don't hate him. Not really. Everything Edward told you is the truth. When we were together for those couple of months, it was incredible until it wasn't. But now? It's somehow…" I take a breath and glance up at Edward. His eyes bore into mine. Our blues bleed together and there's suddenly no one else in the room. "It's somehow better. He understands me, he helps me, he's changed for me." We break eye contact and I look back over at Dimitri. "We might not have this huge, Romeo and Juliet-esque love story. Hell, we might not even have a love story. I've never had a place that I called home. It took me until I met Edward, until today really, to understand a home doesn't have to be a structure with four walls and a roof. Sometimes it's a boy who buys a smart lock for my bedroom door and holds me when I'm panicking."
And that's all I have.
And I hope it's good enough.
Dimitri sits silently still and I want to shake him. He watches us, our every motion, every blink, every lip lick.
And then another man comes in and whispers in his ear.
Dimitri stands and fixes the button on his suit coat.
"If you'll excuse me, there's a phone call I must take. Edward, please feel free to show Bella around before dinner."
Edward stands and pulls me with him. We walk down the halls and he shows me some rooms.
"This is Dim's office, there's a bathroom down the hall, and a sauna next to that. Down this hall is the indoor pool." He points to each door, not opening the ones that are closed. "And this is the library."
Inside are floor to ceiling bookshelves stocked with earth toned hardbacks. I walk around, running my fingers against the old books. There's a fireplace and two huge chairs in front of it. Walking past the chairs, I look at some of the titles before Edward stands behind me.
His nose in my hair, his lips on my shoulder, his fingers ghosting down my arms.
"Did I do okay?" I whisper so softly it almost doesn't exist.
"Did you mean what you said?" he asks just as quietly, but it's in my ear, touching my soul.
My nod answers his question, and he spins me around.
"Bella," he whispers like he missed saying it. "Bella, I'm so sorry. I—" But he stops, unable to speak because there's nothing left to say. How many times can he apologize before it's too much? Now he needs to show me.
I nod in understanding. "I know," I whisper, brushing the tear that collects on his lower lashes before it can fall.
"I understand if you can never forgive me."
"I think it just needs time," I answer honestly.
"I'll wait," he responds, running his nose against my clavicle, then my shoulder, then my neck.
"Kiss me," I whisper into his hair.
He does. But it's different than last night.
Tonight it's soft, slow, unhurried, not awkward, completely unplanned and unpracticed. Natural.
His warm lips move against mine like a bow moves against a violin. My hands find purchase on his neck, in his hair, gripping like playdoh, conforming him to me.
He presses me against the books with his body, closing the distance, stealing breath from my lungs.
And then his fingers circle my wrists and hold them against the bookshelves down by my hips. At the same time, his lips melt to my jaw, then my ear, then my neck, and then he pulls back, resting his forehead against mine. It's quick but hefty.
Out of breath and totally consumed, I open my eyes to find Edward's closed. His fingers loosen around my wrists, and I circle my arms around his neck, hugging him to me.
"Bella, I—"
"Come on, love birds," Alice interrupts. "Dinner's ready."
~!~
The rest of the evening is uneventful. Dimitri is pulled twice more during dinner, and I'm sort of glad. The last time he excuses himself for the evening but invites us to stay.
"It was lovely to see you all again. Boys, a word, please?" Dimitri doesn't wait. Instead, he turns and heads down the hall to a room the boys must know all too well.
"We'll meet you in the car," Jasper tells us, handing the keys to Alice. He kisses her lips as Edward presses his against my forehead.
He smells like the beer he just finished and calm. He smells like calm.
In the car, Alice tries to take my mind off what's going on inside.
"The tattoo guy Jasper knows can't get us in until midnight. Soooo…"
"What are we going to do in the meantime, Allie? It's only seven."
"Japer and I have an idea."
"Which is?"
She's about to tell me but the boys pile in.
"Ready?" Edward asks, buckling up.
"What was that about?" I ask.
"Just… work shit. Nothing important."
"Are you lying?"
He looks at me and shakes his head. "No, it really was about work shit."
"Did he say anything?"
He shakes his head again and I shrug.
Jasper and Alice sit quietly up front, and it doesn't take long to notice we're headed into the city.
Two hours later, Jasper's pulling into the valet line of a club in downtown Seattle.
"How are we going to—"
"We got it," Edward says with a smile.
"But we're not 21—"
"Chill, Bella. We gotta it."
He grips my hand in his easily as Jasper does for Alice, and then we walk up to the bouncer. They don't even need to show anything. The bouncer smiles, fist pumps the boys, and lets us all in.
Inside, a pretty, leggy blonde with a high ponytail shows us up two flights of stairs and to the back of the room with a private table.
Edward leans in to tell her something and she nods, not even looking at him.
"I ordered you a drink, but remember you can't drink too much if you want to get tatted tonight."
I nod, not knowing the rules.
"Are you sure you want to?" he asks, sitting back, arm around the booth.
I nod again. "Yes."
He licks his lips and nods. "I'm not going to lie," he says loudly over the music, leaning in. "That's so fucking hot."
Alice screams next to me and pulls me to her. "This is my jam!" she shrieks.
Even though we're in a VIP area, there are still a lot of people around us. Turned around, I glance over at Edward. He's in conversation with Jasper, but his eyes are on me.
He gives me power. He breathes confidence into me.
So I slip off the sweater and toss it onto the table the boys are sitting at. My small belly is accentuated, but so is my hourglass figure. I turn my back to Edward and grab Alice, relaxing into my bestie, and singing with her.
~!~
I feel like we've been dancing for hours. My calves scream in overuse, my neck glistens with a thin sheen of sweat, and Alice huffs around me in exhaustion. The DJ plays a slower, sensual song with a deep beat. When we turn to head back to the boys, the boys are walking over to us. Alice giggles and throws herself at Jasper.
I stare back at Edward who stands in front of me now.
"Dance?" he asks. I nod.
He turns my body so his chest is to my back and tosses my arms around his neck. His hands glide down to my waist, then my hips.
"This dress," he breathes into my ear.
"You like?"
"Yes."
Edward presses against me, pulling me into him. Our hips dance together, pressing, sliding, moving. I want to do more, like press harder, turn in his arms and slide my hand down his body until I feel—
"This is very hard," he says.
I can't help but giggle, and I turn in his arms. "Is it now?"
He sort of grunts and shakes his head. "I mean restraining myself," he chuckles. "But yes, that is very hard as well."
I can't help but laugh. And it's a real laugh.
He pulls me into him, and we hug and dance as the song switches to something more upbeat. All the girls around us scream, but we stay embraced.
His hug seeps into my skin, down into my blood, right through my soul. I feel cleansed, washed, pure.
I decide in this moment to start over. Be free. Accept. Forgive. Move on. Be happy.
Instantly, I'm changed. So I pull Edward to me and kiss his lips firmly.
"Bella," he says against me as our lips move together. "Bella, Bella, Bella."
"Hm?"
"I fucking missed you."
"You've said that."
"I mean that."
~!~
"You sure?" Jasper asks as Alice sits on the plastic covered chair.
"I'm going to bitch out now and leave her with one half of the tattoo."
The boys laugh.
It takes the guy 20 minutes to tattoo Alice and before I know it, I'm sitting in the same chair Alice was, watching the guy clean my wrist and place the tattoo stencil against my skin.
It doesn't hurt as bad as I thought it might. In fact, I can see why the boys have so many.
"When are you getting back in the chair?" the guy asks Edward as he cleans me up.
"Soon."
It's after one when we leave and I'm exhausted. Edward talks to me in the car but I'm in and out of sleep the entire way.
When I wake up next, I'm in my bed and jump up with a start. It's been days since I've been in here. How did I get up here? Is my dad home? Is Aro here?
"Bella, shhh," Edward says from the chair across from my bed.
"How?"
"No one's here. Everyone's gone. I made sure before I carried you up."
"And… and you stayed?"
He nods. "I figured you might be nervous when you woke up here. I looked in every room. There's nothing or no one. It's spotless."
I nod, relaxing.
"What time is it?"
"Just before six."
"Thank you for staying."
He smiles and nods. "How's your tattoo?"
I nearly forget. Looking down, it looks okay.
Edward comes over and sits next to me on the bed, gripping my hand and studying.
He nods.
"Use some cream and it'll stop the flaking as it heals."
I move over in bed, giving him room to lay down. He does.
Him on top of the covers, and me underneath. We're quiet, listening to the rain against the window.
And then we turn to each other on our sides and just look.
"I started sketching again when we… when we weren't talking. Do you want to see?"
I nod. Of course I want to see.
He pulls out a sketchbook and hands it over. Flipping through the pages next to him feels invasive, but he studies me while I study the pages.
His home, Jasper's home, the shed, the swings at the playground, the meadow, his dad, Alice and Jasper at lunch, Mr. Banner's lab room, the forest outside his bedroom, the lattice outside my window.
And then pages and pages of me.
Me with long hair covering my face, me with short hair, me looking back over my shoulder with a smile, me smoking a joint, me smiling, me frowning, me and Alice, me and Jasper.
"None of me and you?" I ask.
"Only one and it's…" he trails off softly, self-consciously.
"It's what?"
"It's in my bedroom."
Something in me stirs. Much like last night when I felt cleansed and pure and free… I feel peace right now.
Closing his sketchbook, I pass it back. "I'd really love to see that one."
Edward nods and agrees. "One day."
We sit in a peaceful silence. He tells me whatever my dad was doing here, there's no trace.
"They were probably cooking all week. Whatever their new batch is. That's why it's spotless."
"He's going to get himself in trouble." The words barely register as they leave my mouth because I'm so disconnected from it, from him, from this home.
"A few more months," Edward reminds me.
"Did you hear that Allie finally let Jasper—"
"Put it in her butt? Yeah, trust me, I've heard every grueling detail," Edward finishes with a shiver.
I can't help but giggle. "You and me both. Have you ever… you know?"
"Put in a girl's butt? No."
"Do you want to?"
He looks down at me and smirks. "Are you offering?"
I give him a playful shove. "No way."
Silently, Edward twirls the ends of my hair around his fingers. He smooths it down, combs through it, grips it. Edward's fingers scratch my scalp and just as my eyes grow heavy, he whispers, "I do have one more picture to show you."
He pulls out another sketch book and flips to the last page.
In graphite, some sections shadowed by the tip of his finger, is a sketch of me and my mom. I'm a seventeen year old girl. I'm me as I am today. My mom is her from the last time I saw her healthy. Short dark hair, glimmering eyes, a smile that could end a war. My breath catches in my throat seeing me next to her.
"How?" I ask.
"I found a picture of her at Christmas before she got sick. I hope—" he stops, rubbing a thumb over his work. "I hope you like it."
I can't possibly speak anything other than "thank you" right now, and he accepts it. He nods and smiles and rubs my back as I sit up next to him.
"Can I please keep this?" I ask softly.
"Of course." Edward rips it delicately from the sketchbook, the edges perforated and raw, but it's so perfect.
I set the picture on my nightstand and lean over and kiss him.
I kiss him hard and slow, unlike any kiss the last few days.
I pull him down and over me, push the blankets down, consumed by passion. I beg for entrance at his mouth, tear off his shirt, bite his lip. I need to feel him, to show him my appreciation. I cry against his skin and his mouth. His breaths on my face spur me on.
I reach down to his jeans and unbuckle. I need him.
His stop me though. He pins me to the bed and looks down at me before sitting up.
"No," he tells me. "No, not like this."
"What? Please…" I nearly beg.
"No, Bella. Not like this again. I'm going to try you right this time. I promise."
He breaths loudly and scrubs his hand over his face, standing and righting his clothing. He bends to zip his backpack, and I realize he's leaving.
"Hey, don't go," I tell him. "Please?"
"I don't…" he trails off, avoiding eye contact. "I don't have the strength to stay away from you right now, Bella."
"I promise to be good. Girl Scout's Honor." I give a forced smile and it works. He sets down his backpack and climbs back in bed. I curl into his chest. His fingers draw shapes on my back the same time mine draw shapes on his chest. The quiet lulls us into peace.
Edward breaks the quiet eventually. "Can I take you out, Bella? Like on a real date? I was serious before. I want to treat you right this time."
It takes me a moment to find the words, but I eventually tell him, "yes."
"This Friday? After work?"
"Okay."
For the next few minutes, I find peace in his presence. I think about the last few weeks and how my feelings moved from anger to hurt to acceptance.
And then I break the quiet.
"Hey Edward?"
"Hm?"
"I really missed you, too."
