So sorry that this chapter came out much later than the previous ones but I've been swamped with school recently so I haven't had much time to update this story . Hell the only reason I was able to update my Rotsh fic was because I pre-drafted some of the chapters before now . I can't promise that updates will be faster in the future but I will try my best to keep up .
To top it off , I had to go back and make slight adjustments to chapter 2 and 3 to have this one make sense.
Anyway like I promised in the previous chapters we'll be getting right back into the heavy emotionally/depressing stuff of this story and I think you will all find that I've added a nice little twist in the flashback/nightmare/dream scene in this particular chapter to another character that isn't Azula for once . And I think you will all find some very nice hints to their backstory in this one .
And I think this chapter delivers quite nicely on the depressing/emotionally heavy stuff that you all love to see .
:P
Big thanks to HammerTide for beta reading the chapter ! And giving important feedback and suggestions.
Now originally I must admit that the whole flashback scene was originally going to be Azula's but after some back and forth in my mind and realizing that we've gone like almost 20 chapters without much direct flashbacking for this one character in particular , I finally decided to add an entire flashback scene dedicated to them .
Alright I think that's enough rambling by me , hope you all enjoy this one .
With that said , let's get this chapter started !
Be warned there is in fact going to be some dark themes in this chapter . Death , depression and some other stuff that I can't name for spoiler reasons.
Kazumi was walking through the forest ...
And she had absolutely no idea where she even was .
She wasn't even sure the forest she was in was that of the Forgetful Valley due to how dark everything was .
She couldn't see anything around her , just the small patches of trees and bushes and what was in front of her .
Kazumi wondered if she was stuck in a nightmare ... or if this was the hell her mother had warned her about so many years ago .
Or was she in the spirit world somehow ? She didn't even know at this point .
" Where am I ? " Kazumi quietly asked as she walked through the forest .
And as she went to push a bush away ... she noticed her clothing was different to .
It was the outfit of the Spirit Navigators . Of her family . And there was but a single katana still in its sheath on her hip.
" My... armor but why ? How even ..." Kazumi was shocked by this , she hadn't donned this outfit in a long time . Why was she wearing it now ?
Kazumi proceeded through the dark forest ... but now for some reason it didn't quite feel like she was going nowhere . It was almost as if her feet themselves were leading her somewhere .
But wher-
It was just then that after pushing past some bushes ...that she saw it .
She saw her own house . Her home .
" Wait ... is this ..." Kazumi muttered in utter horror at what she may be experiencing .
A cry rang out from inside the house .
A small cry but a loud one nonetheless .
Kazumi could have recognized it anywhere . It still echoed in her mind for years .
The cry was that of a baby .
Kazumi suddenly burst into a sprint for the front door pulling out her sword at the same time . The only thing on her mind was getting to the cry now .
She didn't even bother turning the handle of her door . She kicked it open , almost tearing it off from its hinges .
She didn't care about the door , she couldn't give a less of a damn about it . The only thing she cared about now was-
Another cry this time . Even louder than before .
Kazumi took off down the hallway... only for some reason the hallway itself felt longer or rather time itself got slower . She was running through the hallway with everything she had and it still felt like the door where the cries were coming from was getting further and further away .
" Agni damnit ! Why now !? " Kazumi shouted in frustration as she continued running .
She kept running ... and running .
Until the cries suddenly went quiet . And Kazumi felt her heart drop .
No No No No No No No No !
Suddenly Kazumi seemed to appear right in front of the door and she kicked it open ...
To end up seeing something she never thought she would ever have to see again ...
A shadowy figure standing over a baby crib . The figure didn't look human as if it was just a collection of shadows and miasma .
The figure turned to look at her ... and if it was possible , the figure's face contorted into a twisted , demonic smile .
It was laughing at her for what it had just did.
" GET AWAY FROM HER ! " Kazumi shouted as she sent a bolt of lightning at the figure .
The bolt had hit or at least she thinks it did . As the figure dissipated into nothing .
She wasted no time thinking about it as she ran over the crib and looked into it ... to see her worst nightmare come to life .
The tiniest thing ... the small and beautiful little girl ...
It was clear that she was not moving or breathing for that matter .
" Nononononononono...! " Kazumi frantically cried out ,
" Baby come back to me please ! " Kazumi in a panic picks up the unmoving infant carefully , doing her best her to cradle the baby as tears came to her eyes " Its okay now , mommy's here ! Just please open your eyes ! Please ! " Kazumi held the baby gently , looking around as if there will somehow be some magical solution out of nowhere that will come to fix what has been done .
But there was none . It was just her ... and the baby.
And Kazumi couldn't do a damn thing to stop it.
The baby , her baby was dead ... and it was all her fault .
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ! "
Kazumi eyes snapped open in a cold sweat and she found herself looking up at the ceiling of her room. She got up a bit faster than she probably should have and looked out the window , she could see that it was still nighttime , but it looked like it was only a short while from the sunrise.
Kazumi reached up and touched her eyes and cheek . She felt the feel of wetness on them indicating she had been crying in her sleep.
It seems that I've had one of my own nightmares ...
It had been so long since Kazumi ever had a nightmare like that. And it went just about as well as one could have expected. At least she hadn't set anything on fire ...
I thought I had moved past this and gotten better but...
Kazumi felt like reality and life were spitting and laughing in her face.
Did she honestly believe that she had moved past this ? That in the years since it had happened she had forgotten about it and moved on ? Foolish...
She had never truly gotten over it . No matter how much time had passed. It wasn't something one could just 'get over' . How can one get over the death of their own child ?
She never did . And she liked to think that most mothers would agree with that.
Kazumi's mind flashed to Azula for just a moment and the older woman thought about the young girl sadly...
I wonder ... if my baby had lived would she have grown up to be like Azula ? Would she have become a beautiful young girl with talent and skill to go with it ? Would she have continued the family tradition and become a spirit navigator ? Would I have continued if she had lived ? Would I-
Kazumi feels the need to slap herself to stop her from continuing.
This is foolish thinking ... I can ponder the if's in my head all I want ... but it changes nothing.
Kazumi sternly told herself , but her mind was still thinking about Azula.
She truly hadn't been lying when she told the young girl that she understood the pain of losing everything that had ever mattered to you . The grief , pain and sorrow feels so overwhelming that you think you might get crushed by it.
And it wasn't something you 'got over' ... it was just something you learned to live with .
Kazumi genuinely wondered if she had ever learned that. She honestly wasn't sure.
Azula had actually woken up once again with no nightmares or episodes to note during her sleep.
The former fire nation princess almost thinks it's pathetic that she now counts being able to sleep without nightmares an achievement , but right now she is simply grateful for the actually good rest she has gotten in a long time. It was easily much more peaceful than her damn nurses and doctors drugging her to sleep or the number of times she has quite literally cried herself to sleep back at the asylum.
Whatever the case , she must get ready for the day.
Azula let out a yawn as she stretched her arms to get all of the tense and sore spots in her arms sorted out. After getting changed into some new clothes , she turned to the mirror and brushed her hair a little so that it didn't look entirely terrible. She still didn't like how long it was , but she did want it to look at least somewhat nice.
After following through her usual morning routine , she stepped into the hallway and made her way to the living room to see Kazumi . By the time she got there , she saw that Kazumi was already seated and food was already prepared.
" Kazumi ? " Azula said as she stepped into the room.
" Azula , I'm sorry if the foods a bit cold but I got up a bit early to make it ..." Kazumi explained as Azula took a seat opposite of her.
" Its alright " The former princess shrugged it off as she took a seat and started eating.
It was halfway through the meal that Azula noticed that Kazumi was being oddly silent. Usually it was the older woman who would be striking up conversation with her but this morning she was being unusually quiet through everything.
Azula didn't need to be psychic to know that something was off.
" So ... did you sleep well last night ? " Azula asked the same question that Kazumi would ask her every morning.
The irony was not lost on her.
Kazumi herself seemed to be put off by this initially but gave her a reassuring smile " Its nothing Azula its just ... I had something of a nightmare last night. It was ... shaking to say the least ... I'd rather not discuss it "
Azula wanted to inquire more but knew that she would be pushing her boundaries at that point.
" Also ... I think we may need to skip practice today , I'm ... not in the best of condition to teach you anything ..." Kazumi confessed and that got Azula very confused .
She's not feeling well enough to practice ? Was her dream really that bad ?
Azula stopped herself there. She thought back on her own episodes and nightmares , particularly the one where she almost burned her room down.
She knew first hand just how breaking a nightmare or dream could be.
Neither of them spoke much for the rest of the morning.
After breakfast was finished, Azula returned to her room. She didn't really have much else to do or look forward for the rest of the day without Kazumi's sword practice lessons so she resigned herself back to her room.
She wondered what was it that got Kazumi so bothered in the first place . She said she had a nightmare but ... what could she have seen that made her like that ? Kazumi was always so composed , elegant and strong it was just ... so strange to see acting like that.
So deposed, silent and ...defeated.
Azula thought back to her own defeat during her Agni Kai with Zuko and that peasant waterbender. How she was fighting more like a deranged madwoman than an elegant and superior fighter.
Maybe it wasn't so strange to see someone so elegant act like that.
But she still wanted to know why at least.
As she sat up on her bed ... her eyes wandered to the small baby crib sitting at the edge of the room.
She had noticed it once when first arrived at Kazumi's home but she had never payed it much mind , but now that she realizes its presence , she notices how much it sticks out in the room itself . Did Kazumi move it here ?
Azula's curiosity was peaked as she got up to take a closer look. The crib itself was very old based on how degraded the wood was , years by her best guess. The inside of the crib had a few toys but what really stuck out to her...
Was the name slate that was etched into the top of the crib.
Shami
Shami ? That's a girl's name but why would Kazumi have-
Azula's eyes widened as she connected the dots.
It all suddenly made sense to her . The way Kazumi was more than patient than any regular person would have been when dealing with someone like her , the weird motherly presence and comfort she was able to give out , the strange wisdom she would occasionally give ...
Kazumi had been a mother before.
Or at the very least was a mother before
Could her nightmare have had something to do with that ?
Azula didn't know but she was inclined to find out.
So she left her room to get some answers out of Kazumi.
She of course found the older woman outside sitting by the lake. Sitting on her knees and for once neither Tira or Serenity were around or by her side . As if they could sense that their master wanted some time alone by herself.
Azula carefully approached Kazumi , trying her best not to disturb the serene peace and the older woman hadn't even seemed to notice her presence yet.
Then all of a sudden, Kazumi turned her head slightly in Azula's direction " Is there something I can help you with Azula ? "
Azula was surprised that Kazumi could sense her presence , was that another of her gifts ? . Either way Azula stood strong " Its nothing , I was just ... I wanted to talk to you ..." Azula tried not to stutter in the face of Kazumi.
Kazumi didn't speak but instead gestured for Azula to sit beside her.
The former princess didn't move right away but took a seat next to the older woman.
The two didn't speak but instead Azula observed that Kazumi was looking out at the lake with a melancholic look on her face.
" ...Its beautiful isn't it ? " Kazumi said suddenly.
" What is ? "
" The lake ... the forest ... its beautiful in its own right ..." Kazumi elaborated.
" If you remove the dangerous plants and animals than yes , I suppose it would be beautiful ..." Azula mused.
" I can't argue against that ..." Kazumi chuckled a little " But I think its the flaws in something that truly make something beautiful ... lots of people would say perfection is what makes something beautiful but I don't quite agree with that "
Azula wasn't sure if Kazumi was deliberately talking about her or if she was just musing but either way ... she felt as though this was speaking to her.
" Nothing is truly perfect I suppose. And trying to achieve as such will only bring one down ..." Kazumi finished.
Azula could not help but think of her own fall from grace. How she had slowly lost everything that had mattered to her.
Her pride , her dignity , her power , her status ... and even those she once cared about.
" I'm sorry Azula I'm just rambling now ... what did you want to talk to me about ? " Kazumi seemed to refocus herself.
" Its nothing I just ..." Azula wasn't sure whether she should ask Kazumi this but ... she had come too far now.
" Kazumi... you had a child before right ? "
...
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...
For what was probably a full minute but could have been a full hour , silence washed over them. Kazumi's eyes seemed to go through shock , realization and acceptance in the span of that minute.
Kazumi seemed to try and calm herself before she spoke " How ... did you know that Azula ?"
" ...The baby crib in my room tipped me off " Azula explained " I put two and two together so I thought ..."
Kazumi visibly stilled as she brought up the crib . As if her whole body locked up suddenly before relaxing again with a breath.
"... I had been meaning to move that out of there " Kazumi commented " But you are correct Azula ... I had a child long ago , a daughter as a matter of fact"
Azula noticed Kazumi's way of wording.
" Had ..." Azula mentioned the past tense way she spoke about her child.
" Yes ..." Kazumi said sadly.
Azula didn't need to be a prodigy to figure out what she meant by that.
" Kazumi ... you don't have to talk about this if you don't want to ..." Azula reassured her . Saying the same comforting words Kazumi would say to her.
" Its fine ... I think I need to talk about it ...if just a little " Kazumi said after taking a deep breath , her voice unsteady " ...It was a long time ago ... that I had a daughter ... beautiful little girl..."
" I remember the day she came into the world , I was so happy I ..." Kazumi said stumbling over her own words " I ... loved her . I would have protected her . I would have died for her Azula and ... and ..."
Azula could see it , Kazumi was practically forcing herself to speak.
" I failed her . I failed to protect my daughter ..." Kazumi said sadly.
" It is my greatest regret ... and failure ... one that has been haunting me for years since it had happened ..." Kazumi said sadly " I still remember the day that she ... I ... " Kazumi was tripping over her own words now.
And then Azula really saw it . The crack in Kazumi's elegance , the raw emotion and hurt brought on by the remembrance of a terrible memory or experience ...
It was something she herself was quite accustomed to.
Azula suddenly grabbed Kazumi's hand , squeezing it a little giving her the same comfort the older woman had given her.
Kazumi looked surprised at this but didn't move away as she continued.
" It was so hard after that Azula ... almost like I had lost a piece of myself and I ... I ..." Kazumi didn't say anything more as tears started to fall.
The former fire nation princess could see the mask finally come off and she understood it.
Kazumi wore a mask just like she did. And it had just broke.
Azula didn't know what took over her , but she suddenly embraced the older woman which seemed to surprise Kazumi.
" Its alright Kazumi ... you don't have to talk anymore ...I'm here ..."
Kazumi returned her embraced as she let out all her tears and Azula was right there with her.
Azula finally understood it . Kazumi had lost it all as well.
Yet maybe they can help each other in their pain , if only a little bit.
And that is the end of the chapter. Hope you all enjoyed the reversal of the roles this time around , I definitely wanted to show that Kazumi isn't nearly as perfect as Azula thought she was and she has more than her own fair share of mental scars.
The nightmare was definitely the favorite part for me. And fun fact : Kazumi's daughter was actually teased as early as chapter 2 if you go back and read the chapter . And that wasn't part of the edits , that was actually there all along.
:P
Anyway in regards to the next chapter , I'm not sure when it will be out but hopefully sooner rather than later since my semester break is coming soon.
With that said , see you all in the next one.
Angel Out.
