Smack Down

Disclaimer: I do own Doctor Who! Be afraid, be very afraid! Okay okay I don't, but do you have to rub it in?

Author's Note: Before we begin, I will state that I like the Ninth Doctor, not the Tenth. This will not affect the results of this match, I just wanted to profess the truth.

Chapter 1 in which is developed the fact that Jack likes legs.

Okay, here we go……

Firstly, a few descriptive notes to let you get your bearings. Sweaty arena. Sweaty crowd. Among this particular crowd we have: some Cybermen, some Slitheen (how they got here I'll never know, since they are supposed to be either dead or eggified), a tearful Rose, a flirting Jack, some very pleased looking Daleks (who are also supposed to be dead, but who cares really), and many more, too numerous to mention.

A scared looking Tenth Doctor emerges.

DING! Round 1

Tenth Doctor: What! There's more than one round! Can't we get this over with?

The Ninth Doctor steps into the arena jauntily, with a grin on his face. Anybody who knows him can see that he is actually terrified.

Ninth Doctor: Hello everybody! Hello shivering little man over there!

Slitheen: Boooo!

Cybermen: Booooo!

Daleks: Exterminate!

Rose: Go Doctor Ten….erm…not that I'm showing favoritism by saying you're name first. Go to you too Doctor Nine! You can do it…um…both of you!

Jack: Shake it up, bruthas!

And the fight is on! Look at the two glare seethingly at each other!

Ninth Doctor: Man, you're grammar is bad!

That's beside the point! You're supposed to do as I command! Now glare seethingly at each other! Seethingly I say!

Ninth Doctor: Fine :glares seethingly:…..even if seethingly isn't a word.

Tenth Doctor: I really don't want to fight you. Can't we settle over a cup of tea? Otherwise, I'd have to kick your butt in front of everyone. You wouldn't want that….. really.

Ninth Doctor: Cummon nansy pansy! With wits like yours, you wouldn't be able to tell my butt from your own face!

Tenth Doctor: Ohh, now you've done it. I hoped it wouldn't have to come to this. Hiiiiiiiiiya! Whoooooaaah!

Tenth Doctor proceeds to go into karate mode! Look at him go! His hands are like lightning! His kicking legs a blur of alien fury! His….OW that's gotta hurt!

Tenth Doctor: Gaaaaah! I think I pulled my hamstring!

Now we know! Time Lords DO have hamstrings.

Ninth Doctor: If this is what it comes to when I get you mad, then I'll take note in insulting your buttface a lot more!

Rose::to the Tenth Doctor: Are you okay? Oh you are hurt! Wahaha!

Ninth Doctor::to Rose: I glare seethingly at you!

Get up number Ten. Take it like a man!

Tenth Doctor: I might just be able to do that….IF I WAS A MAN YOU IDIOT!

Are all Time Lords this moody?

Ninth Doctor: Nope, I don't know what happened to him.

Tenth Doctor: Alright that's it! You're goin' down, clown!

Ninth Doctor::Screams like a girl:

Crowd roars as both Doctors chase each other around the arena! Hmmm, it seems that #10's hamstring has miraculously healed itself!

….10 minutes pass….

…And they are still chasing each other. Can't you two do something a little more…violent?

Jack: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Tenth Doctor: I would….:gasp:…if…I could :gasp: catch him!

Ninth Doctor: Hmm, I knew my ridiculously long legs would come in handy.

Tenth Doctor: Besides looking like a jack rabbit?

Jack: Zzzzz…:snort:…nice legs.

Ninth Doctor: Better than looking like a drowned shrew! (He does, really)

Tenth Doctor: Oh yeah….um… well you've got a…a huge nose::grabs #9's nose and pulls:

Crowd: Gasp!

Ninth Doctor: How dare you! Cubbere you liddle…liddle…

Tenth Doctor: Big Ears, Big teeth! You're more like a jack rabbit than I thought! Look at that hooter! Haha…aaagh!

Ninth Doctor::puts away sonic screwdriver: Now you know what barbed wire feels like. Ha! And might I say your shoes are absolutely hideous!

Tenth Doctor::shrieks with rage: No one disses the Chuck Taylor shoes::rips a pocket off of #9's jacket:

Ninth Doctor: Alright, I was being patient with you before, but this does it. No more mister nice guy::puts #10 into a Full Nelson:

Tenth Doctor::Shriek of rage turns into shriek of agony: Lemme go! Aaaaaaaaaargh!

Ninth Doctor: Say "I'm a prat, I suck frogspawn"! Say it!

Tenth Doctor: No way! I'm not a prat and frogspawn is disgusting!

Ninth Doctor: Well then stay like this::wrenches on #10's arms, causing a few bones to crack audibly:

#10's Bones: Gaaaah, help us! POP POP!

Crowd: SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!

Rose: Please say it Doctor, you're hurting yourself! Oh and…er…good job…other Doctor. Ahaha….

…..15 minutes pass….

Ninth Doctor: I think I'm getting a cramp….

Tenth Doctor: You could just let me go; my arms have probably ceased their proper functions anyway. Then maybe we can work out our differences peacefully.

Ninth Doctor: You really are a prat.

Tenth Doctor: No I'm serious, let's be friends.

Ninth Doctor: Never, not after you stole my Rose! She was my companion! Mine, you hear!

Crowd: Oooooooooh!

Jack: What he's really trying to say is that without Rose, he would never have met such an excellent guy as myself.

And thus begins a climactic stand off in which both Doctors are frozen in an attitude of malice and pain. The suspense is killing me!

Tenth Doctor: Yeah, I wish….

Well excuse me, I have been waiting patiently for you guys to actually…well….do something.

Tenth Doctor: Like I'm gonna do what you like! If it weren't for you I could be finishing up those booties for K9.

Crowd: Awwwww!

Jack: I thought those were for me. looks hurt

Ninth Doctor: And if it weren't for you I'd…….wait a minute, I'd still be dead!

I guess I'm not all bad eh?

Ninth Doctor: Oh no no no, that's not gonna get me to like you. I'm only alive so I can be in this stupid match. Don't you understand the concept of Rest In Peace? Just put a sock in it before I sick Jack on you!

Jack::Winks coyly: My pleasure. Roowr!

Okay ew, can we just get on with the match?

Tenth Doctor::Raises eyebrows:

Oh all right! I promise to shut up. Just don't let him near me.

And the fight continues….

Tenth Doctor: So….I'm still stuck like this….

Ninth Doctor: Yup.

Tenth Doctor: No chance of you letting go and us being friends?

Ninth Doctor: Nope…….prat.

Tenth Doctor: How bout for a banana?

Ninth Doctor: Got lotsa bananas.

Tenth Doctor: Not even a big, yellow, foot-long, squishy, scrumptious banana?

Ninth Doctor::Fights the temptation:….no….

Tenth Doctor: Cummon, you know you want one. Right here. Right now. A perfectly smooth banana, mostly yellow but a little green, so it's still firm, not too ripe. The peel just slides right down and inside is a not-too-hard-not-too-soft pale yellow banana. No brown spots. You take a bite and it just pops into your mouth….

Ninth Doctor: Mmmmmm…..

:Whispering: Ahem, it seems #9 has fallen into a sort of daze. He's drooling; mumbling something about a pie….with bananas if I'm not mistaken. OWCH! THAT HAS GOT TO HURT!

Tenth Doctor: You may have wrecked my arms but my feet work just fine. Say hello to Chuck Taylor shoes! Ha!

Ninth Doctor: Gaaaaah::Writhes in agony on the ground:

Foul play, I say. No one deserves being kicked there!

Ninth Doctor::whimper: Shut up…..you!

Tenth Doctor: Muahahahaha…

Rose: Oh dear oh my oh golly gosh gee whiz holy smokes! Are you alright Doctor? Good going Doctor::faints:

Jack: Tut tut, that is a shame…

Ninth Doctor: And you two….shut up….too…gaaah!

Jack: Watcha gonna do? Groan me to death? Or perhaps sick me on myself…..hey I like that idea…..rowr!

Erm….o-kee….Anywho, it seems as if the Ninth Doctor won't be recovering to finish the match. Which means that #10 has ultimately won!

Crowd: WOOT WOOT!

Tenth Doctor: Whoopedy Doodle!

Rose::gets up: I'm okay, really! Who won?

Jack: I am both happy and sad.

The end of round one! Stick around for round two my friends!

Jack: Drinks anyone?

Rose: Good try Doctor Nine! Not that I'm showing favoritism to you. Good job number Ten! Not that I had any hope of you winning…or loosing either. :sigh:

To all a good night folks!

Ninth Doctor: Good night my ass! Shove it or I'll…agh! I glare seethingly at you!