Being careful to remain hidden in the trees, I scanned the area with the intention of sneaking into the Coleman Residence. The police have already cordoned off the area and were conducting their investigation. It was freezing cold outside, and I was completely drenched in water. The cold felt like a thousand knives stabbing my little body all at once. Sneaking into the Coleman's house was a risk I had to take or else I would die.
I thought up of a game plan for my trip into the house - thinking of what I was going to grab. Obviously, I needed to change my clothes. I needed to make sure to grab my coat and gloves. I figured I should attempt to dress as maturely as I could, given the clothes 'Esther' had.
At that moment, I had decided that I was going to ditch my child facade and be 33 years old.
I needed to grab my false adult teeth; this was a must. My real teeth were baby teeth, a result of my gland disorder. I have neglected to take care of my real teeth. My real teeth were rotten and completely gnarly. Dental health and hygiene weren't exactly something my abusive father concerned himself with, and it certainly was not a priority of mine while I was on the run in Tallinn.
I also wanted to grab the money that Kate and John kept in their dresser. It'd would certainly be helpful when I am on the run.
I made my way through the garden and into the kitchen, crouching and ducking as I moved. It was almost exhilarating. I was moving through the house undetected while cops were investigating. I climbed up the back stairwell, adjacent to the kitchen, and made my way to my destroyed bedroom.
I found my adult teeth right where I had left them, one thing off the list. Fixing my teeth, undergoing extreme dental work was on my bucket list - in addition to finding love.
The thought of my bible suddenly came to mind. It was really a profound moment; my feelings of sorrow and guilt had returned. I wasn't even thinking about my bible when coming up with my game plan for reentering the house. I decided I wasn't going to look for it, my room was a in too huge of a mess and it would take me too long. After all, I'm assuming my identity had already been exposed. Kate probably already contacted the Saarne Institute, my bible would only connect the dots even further, the Albright fiasco and the subsequent Sullivan massacre.
Not only that I wanted to change. I didn't want to have the pictures of all the people whose lives I have ruined. I really felt remorseful for all the harm I had inflicted upon them.
At that moment, the final words of Allen Albright echoed in my mind.
"Who the fuck are you?! You're a monster!"
That is exactly how I feel, a complete monster. I snapped out of my daydream and continued on. I cannot be in here for much longer.
I quickly picked out a dress, a red dress. Funny enough, this was the same dress I have worn that day I fought Gunner and Tricia Albright. This was probably the least 'childlike' outfit I had. I dried my hair with a dress that was laying on the floor and put it into a bun. I left off my Spanx and breast bindings. I chose not to put my ribbons back on. I had figured I could come up with some injury story to explain the scars on my neck and wrist. After all, I was ditching my child facade.
I looked in the mirror, it was kind of nice seeing my adult developments in my dress. Looking at myself in the mirror, disregarding my cuts from the fight at the pond and the scars from the Saarne institute, I didn't look like a 10-year-old. Of course, I had looked young, you might mistake me for a kid looking at me from a distance. But up close, I look like an adult woman who's 'just short'. At that moment, I was angry at myself. Why did I let my father get to me?
I started laughing. As much as I had tried to keep quiet, I couldn't help but laugh at the pure absurdity of my life. 'What the fuck am I doing?' I thought 'I am pretending to be a little girl so I can have sex with the father'! God I really felt like a complete idiot! How screwed up am I? Of course, I wanted relationship, but did I really think I could get with a guy by posing as his adopted daughter?
Tricia, as much as I hated her guts, was right when she said "Surprise, I'm not your daughter I'm a mutant grifter". I deep down knew the relationship with my father wasn't 'love' but rape, but I never truly conscious of it, if that makes sense. This was a moment of clarity for me. It was like wrecking ball smashing a building. I continued laughing at the absurdity of the predicament I had placed myself in. I couldn't believe this was the first time I truly 'realized' my problem is.
When I thought of my time at the Saarne Institute, I stopped laughing. Memories of being raped and abused by the staff had surfaced. 'That's all I was good for' they would say. Of course, I could do nothing. After all, who would believe rape allegations made by a mental patient. Dr. Varava was the only person that was nice to me there, and only now I truly realize that he was trying to help me. I was finally conscious of my delusions, and despite Dr. Varava's attempts of helping me, I guess it took a near death experience to 'kick' me into sanity.
I glanced over at the white tights I had on; I didn't care for them as they only added to my childlike appearance. I had decided to keep the tights on for the time being, I wasn't about to go outside in the snow with exposed legs. Chuckling to myself, I thought of all the times where it would be like -20 degrees outside, and there'd be some idiot guy who was wearing shorts. As much as I didn't like how the tights made me look, I was happy to not be the dumbass who wore his cargo shorts and flip flops in the snow.
I put on my coat, grabbed my blue gloves, and scurried out of my bedroom.
There was nobody on the second floor of the house, which honestly was pure luck. My visit back in the Coleman's house really was a Hail Mary so to speak. I popped into the master bedroom and got the money from the dresser. There was $2,500 in there. I felt disgusted with myself, after all the harm I have caused this family, this seems like another jab at them. I was conflicted for a moment, but my survival instincts kicked in and I took the money.
I went back the way I came, I managed to remain completely undetected as I left the house. I couldn't believe not a single person had seen me, or even suspected my presence the entire time. They probably thought I was dead, but that would only be temporary, as they are bound to discover no body in the lake. I ran off into the woods, with no destination in mind, and no idea what my next move would be.
