This chapter actually wasn't written by me, but was in fact written by our very own HammerTide !
:)
Big thanks to him for writing this chapter and saving me some time by only having to edit this chapter a bit.
I was actually going to add a few extra scenes, but decided that this chapter was perfect as is with only Kazumi and Azula so here you go.
Azula takes it upon herself to finally just stand up from the bed, to stop brooding for once when morning sets in and get up herself. She takes one look at the bed space she has been occupying, the mats were a mess, along with the blankets and pillows and decides to make it more tidy. It isn't befitting for her character that her bed space would be messy and disorganized. Though she had never really done this before, always calling the servants to make her bed while she gets out from the room, she had observed how they fold every nook and cranny of the blanket into an organized square, how they fluff the softest of pillows and how they arrange them in the most orderly manner.
To Azula, sometimes she just needs one glance to learn how they do it as she sighs in relief, gently placing the blanket on top of the pillow, now her bed space being much cleaner and organized compared to the mess that was just recently.
Azula sighs.
The raven haired princess remembers just a few days ago with Kazumi, though she wouldn't admit it, but she needed to grieve, to cry on just why she feels like as if her own person is the most horrible thing in the world. She couldn't understand the reason why someone like Kazumi goes out of her way to love a monster like her, an abandoned monster nonetheless.
You're not nothing to me, Azula you're not a monster no matter how much you tell yourself that.
Azula thinks about her relationship with Kazumi up to this point, how the woman was far more patient and loving than any normal person would be, how she took care of Azula and gave her a shoulder to cry on during her darkest moments, even taught her many new things that had been so foreign to her once before, all this and more led her to a single conclusion:
That she might- no there is no might about it, she does love Kazumi. The same way a child would love their mother.
There is no comparison or debate that Azula loved her more than any mother in the world.
It isn't even a debate, she is more of a mother to me than my own mother ever has been in my entire life.
She almost think its kinda sad how a random woman she met in a forest where people go to kill themselves was a better parental figure to her than her own parents were. With how her father was a controlling egomaniac, while her mother was a heartless harpy who only saw her as a monster.
Azula whispers to herself, still remember hearing the words her mother said so long ago.
How her own mother wished that her life had ended before she was even born, she didn't even realize people could be that cruel, Azula had never thought about it. Many called her a sadist, cruel or any of those things that describe, to her: her mother was even crueler than that.
At least, father didn't try to pretend to be the loving parent of the two of them. Father's cruelty and mother's cruelty was just slightly different from each other, its a wonder why mother ever hated him when they were so alike.
The memories fuel her anger again, but this time she wouldn't scream and she wouldn't cry, she wouldn't scream injustice. She'll breathe in and out, though her lips curled in what most people would say a sad frown, but at least she won't scream as she went outside her room where Kazumi already waited for breakfast.
She wouldn't let these bad memories and ghosts rule her life anymore.
The older woman took both their bowls to clean after breakfast was finished as she observe Azula getting out from the house, a smile formed on her lips, she sensed that something changed in her. The grief is still there but no longer as pronounced, as if she had picked up the pieces and put them together slowly but surely.
How much time had passed already since she first met Azula ? Six months ? Eight ? A year maybe ? She doesn't know, she honestly lost count. Azula had seem to forget that she still wanted to go back to Hira'a once the rainy season was over, and it has been over for quite a long time already.
I have nothing Kazumi...I am nothing.
Kazumi remembered Azula telling herself once in between her sobs, she too had to remind herself how untrue that is.
You are not nothing to me, Azula. You are a gift to my house when I had nothing...
She thinks in her head , and ever since that fateful day, her days had been better.
Kazumi could only smile knowing that the days will indeed become better in the future when during their breakfast, Azula had asked if she would be okay if she titles her the Dragon Lady stating that she had always wondered if she was a dragon in human form the moment they had met and she felt flattered that Azula would reveal something like that to her. Putting the bowls over the counter after finishing cleaning them, Kazumi proceeded to Azula's quarters only to be left speechless.
This time, a disorganized bed did not meet her like it had all days before, but rather a well made one. The blankets were folded neatly, though she could still see that Azula needs more time to fold it properly, her efforts were well done. The pillows were fluffed well and put them together in an orderly manner. She couldn't help but smile knowing something had changed this time, like Azula's demons wouldn't be coming back to haunt her again.
She left the room, hoping to find Azula.
She meditated softly at the very edge of the lake, the animals of Kazumi thought to accompany her for a change, sensing as if she is their master same as Kazumi is to them. She needed relief of mind, she wanted to dwell on the past to face it again and make it hurt less, she is ready and she had Kazumi to thank for it.
Zuko...Mother...Father...
She doesn't know who she should channel her hate on the most.
She hates them all but that vengeful part of her is no longer so prevalent in her mind, and she hasn't seen her Shadow self for quite some time. She had already brood too much about the injustice that happened to her, dwelled on it so much that no one had loved her. She is pressed to finally move on this time.
Or just stop caring about it entirely. Both work for her.
Azula tried to find a memory where Zuko had been a dependable brother, a brother worth loving and to give time to ,to be a shoulder to cry on. But despite all of her focus she couldn't find anything, he was always there just to take something from her or when he needed her to get something that he wanted.
Hell his only reason for visiting her for the first time since he had thrown her into that hellhole of an asylum for a year was because he wanted help finding his beloved mother. At that point, she knew it was already too late.
She realized it was too late when Zuko came to her coronation, so ready to take what was supposed to be hers instead of going there to be proud that his sister finally steps in to her forefathers shoes.
"I'm sorry, but you're not going to become Fire Lord today." Zuko says as he steps down from the flying bison. "I am." he proudly proclaims.
Azula tenses at that memory, tears threatening to break through, but she won't allow it, she won't allow Zuko to even have one more drop of tear from her as she breathes in deeply. "You no longer hold importance to me..." Azula breathes in, before opening her eyes watching the distance of the beautiful lake in the clearing as she uttered the words "... and you are my brother no longer"
She closed her eyes again and remembered the face of her father, strong and ambitious. A true prodigal son of the Fire nation, to serve and protect its subjects. The man who proudly used her for his whims, for his ambitions and then discarded her when he was done.
Azula clenched tightly, all the rigorous training, all the pain. She remembered his harsh words, his criticisms...but yet she remembered his praise about her, so boldly proclaiming how proud he is as her father. In a way, he was just praising himself because he saw her as a mere extension of himself, but still she knew deep down that her father loved her...in his own twisted way.
It's just that he loved his ambitions more than her. Like always.
She was confused, did her father really abandon her ? He asked her to be the guardian of her nation while he went away.
"You will stay here and watch over the homeland, it is a very important mission that I can only entrust you."
He proclaimed, though his eyes were fierce, there was softness inside of it. Perhaps her hate over her family clouded the image of her father, the only one that truly knows her potential, that uttered the words of love, even if it was just once. She remembered it specifically, when Azula was lying down in hurt after their brutal training, she had just woken up with a note and a bowl of fruits beside of her.
"You have made me proud my princess, you have finally bended lightning. Rest, our training still continues, I leave you here food for you to eat, don't eat too much too quickly. It will make you sick." - love, your father.
And she remembered how graciously she ate all the apples, grapes and cherries in that bowl with tears of joy in her eyes as if it was the most delicious thing in the world. The hate for her father maybe strong, she wanted to forget him, how he did not help her when she needed him the most, but she cannot come to herself to do it knowing he was the one that actually showed some semblance of love in the first place no matter how twisted it was, it was still love to her regardless of how anyone might see it.
She opened her eyes and stared at the beautiful scenery before her with tears on her eyes. She'll shed one more for him, as she had remembered that he indeed was the only one before Kazumi that showed that he acknowledged her, that praised her, that proclaimed how proud he is of her. But she'll continue to pray that this will be the last time she will shed tears for him.
Then closing her eyes one more time, Azula thought of a woman, tall with the same face and eyes as hers. Graceful and elegant, a true beauty of the Fire Nation. But her memory serves only to infuriate her.
There was no more grief inside, no more tears to shed for her absentee mother on how she really wanted her love but was never given it , no more wanting of her mother's love...only anger.
Tensing even more, Azula tried to find a memory, a peaceful and happy memory of her that told she had loved her, that she is proud to be her mother or even just a compliment that her bending is beautiful. But as always no matter how much she tried, she couldn't find a single piece of memory, all she can find is more lectures on how to be a proper woman, how to be a girl, how to act, how to not act and all the while cuddling Zuko in front of her as if subconsciously gloating how much she loved her son more than her.
"I'm a horrible mother, Lo." Ursa says as her raven hair was tended by the old caretaker, the warm soothing water of the tub caressing her fair skin, chuckling at the thought that it crossed her mind. She wondered had she done it, Ozai would have been spiteful enough to kill her or just force her to conceive again until he had the heir that he wanted.
"Sometimes I had wished that I ended my pregnancy with Azula." She admits watching the reaction of the old woman, but to her surprise she had no reaction.
"Don't strike me as a fool, Ursa. I've known you don't see the princess the same way as your son, loving her the same as him." Lo says and adds. "To you, the princess is just an extension of Ozai, everything about her reminds you of him, and that is why you do not dote her. We elders see it again and again in women like you in noble houses.."
Ursa chuckled, somewhat mortified at the old woman's words, sometimes she wondered if she is a cruel woman, purposely withholding love to her daughter because she can't stop seeing Ozai in her.
"You're-"
" Azula...Azula"
She opened her eyes as she realized Kazumi had called, she had turned not realizing sweat was formind around her neck and forehead. Azula sighs, a bit bothered that Kazumi interrupted her, it was uncharacteristic of her to do.
"I apologize on interrupting you, I didn't realize you were meditating " Kazumi says as she approached, the princess though welcomed as Tira and Serenity came to their sides, the tigerdillo deciding to put its head on the princess's lap while the ostrich horse lays beside Kazumi "I just had to see you after I saw you organized the bed, you've never did that before." Kazumi points out softly as her hands caressed the neck of the ostrich horse.
Azula stared at the lake, deciding that now that her meditation has ended, she'll just admire the beauty of the place with her and be at peace for once in her life. "If I am to be better mentally, my environment should be a reflection of that. And I just can't be useless all the time at home while you clean up after me all the time " Azula answered, she didn't make much of her own answer but for Kazumi it was enough to make her stare back at her.
Home. Kazumi notes, she didn't ever thought that Azula would ever call her house a home. "Are you well ?" Kazumi asked softly.
"Yes, I just thought about my family." Azula answered quickly, this time her words no longer holds the same heavy weight of emotions that is used to when mentioning her own family, much more confident to speak about them. "My brother, my father...mother." Azula says, when she mentions her mother, Kazumi couldn't help but notice the venom in her voice. "I've decided that they no longer hold any chains on me...…they are nothing to me now." Azula says with finality, but she would knew Kazumi would detect her lie.
You lie, Azula. I know you that much.
Kazumi knows it, but she wouldn't disparage her for it, she knew the anger inside of her, she had been through it. "Why would you want to forget them?"
Azula chuckled at the question. "A brother that took everything from me, a mother that never loved me and wished that I had died before I was born...and a father that...used me." Azula says reluctant, despite saying that they do not matter anymore, their memories still hurt. "There's nothing much to remember..."
Kazumi decided to scoot closer to her, the animals decided to finally leave them be as they left from their sides, it was just them two once more again. "I always wondered Azula, how is it that they are so eager to let go of something so precious ? To let you go?"
"People always let go of a monster..." Azula says, this time the word monster doesn't hold so much weight anymore. Not as much. Azula putting up her left hand and then presenting a blame flame to dance, being more at peace at least.
Kazumi then chuckles and puts out her own dancing flame, the white flame still amazes the prodigious bender, the beauty of it is unlike anything she had seen. "Well, if you're a monster Azula , then I might as well be the devil" she chuckles, but deep down realizing how true it is, like Azula her memories also ate away at her but ever since she had arrived her days had been better, Kazumi could only look at the blue bender's eyes with a pleading look.
"Azula...please do not forget me." Kazumi wanted to say in her thoughts, she didn't even realize she spoke aloud until Azula decided to put her head on Kazumi's shoulder, her eyes were just distant, staring at the beautiful lake still, as if just admiring the moment that they share together.
"I won't forget you, Kazumi...I'll remember this moment."
And from there, they just enjoyed the beautiful place and the peace, content that they were for once away from their demons.
Let's give HammerTide a round of applause for writing this gem of a chapter. You know, I took over this story almost a year ago and I'm still not sure if I'm nailing Azula and Kazumi's dialogue just right, but looking at this chapter I really enjoyed reading Hammer's dialogue of the two.
So once again, big thanks to HammerTide for this wonderful chapter !
:)
Now let's answer some reviews shall we ?
To haytsun:
Yeah, that's definitely going to be a plot point that I'm going to enjoy writing when we do get there.
XD
To Guest:
Well, my dear guest I could make up a whole overly complicated reason for why Zuko never considered hiring June who is not only an amazing tracker but also very skilled at bounty hunting and retrieving people, but the simple truth of that is that I never thought about it.
Honestly I kinda forgot about June completely. It would have been fun to see June go toe-to-toe with Kazumi. Oh well, you win some and lose some.
:P
With that said, I will see you all in the next chapter.
Angel Out.
