Chapter XIX
Nineteenth session
For InuYasha, to run through the streets between the train station and his mother's home, had a contrasting effect. On the one hand, he felt joy at the prospect of seeing her and be with that strong woman who had raised him pretty much by herself; And on the other hand, there was the memory of the worst depression he had ever lived. The most critical part lasted for something more than a month, yet he felt those days as long as years. During those times he had the chance of knowing the darkest side of a human being, and his fight, silent and inert, had been to not act on everything his mind gestated.
His inner gaze glanced sideways; he didn't want to go through all of those fatal ideas. which had accompanied him then, again. Yet, as every time he visited the town he grew up in, he passed through the same places in which he left a piece of his heart behind: the school, and the tree in which she had given him hope, and stomped on it.
He continued on his way with both hands in his pockets, and a half-filled satchel crossed in front of his chest, with nothing more than a change of clothes and a toothbrush. He didn't expect to be there longer than two days, even if that implied he'd be on his way back to Tokio no sooner than Friday.
After turning one of the streets, he could see the house in which he grew up, the white color of its walls, now showing stains of an ocher color, which seemed to become more accentuated every time he visited, as did the varnish's wear of the wood on the lower part. The place wasn't particularly pretty, the streets were clean, without drawings or scratches, and with a certain order that allowed the passage of people, bicycles and even small cars. InuYasha was aware of how far it seemed to be far awau from everything, and from what was currently his world, yet it still represented a home for him.
Before entering, he observed old man Myoga's little house, which appeared completely closed. On its lower half there was still that local which had been a grocery shop until but a couple of years ago, moment in which the man decided he wanted rest and to dedicate some more time to the art of bookbinding, a hobby he had and tried to teach to InuYasha during his last high school year.
"You are here."
He heard his mother, a few steps away behind him. She carried a bag with some vegetables and InuYasha immediately guessed she expected to cook lunch.
"Allow me." He offered, taking her load off her hands.
"How was the trip?" His mother's voice always came as kind and full of love. He embraced her shoulder and walked with her like that the few steps between them and the door.
"They were the most boring three and a half hours I've had in a long time." He confessed, despite knowing his mother would use that comment to tell him to come back to the town.
"I won't tell you what I always tell you." She smiled at him.
No, she didn't say it, yet the result was the same. InuYasha returned her smile and bent to leave a kiss on his mother's hair. Sometimes he wondered why a woman as beautiful and sweet like her had never joined with anyone again.
They entered the house, and InuYasha remembered just how much lower the entrance door and the floor below were in comparison to his apartment in Tokio. He left the bag on the kitchen table and his own satchel on one of the chairs.
"Is Myoga still at the hospital?" He had travelled so much in one day, mid-week, because his mother had told him about the old man's hospitalization.
"Yes, in a few hours he'll be able to go back home, we'll have to pick him up." She explained, "I'm sorry for making you come from so far away for something that wasn't as serious as I thought at first. I got scared." She concluded.
"Mom, I was able to come and that's it. I'm glad that Myoga only has a tension problem, although he should stop with the soja. "He smiled, as he brought the shopping out of the bag. He knew that as soon as the restriction were mentioned to the old man, he'd start complaining from the get-go.
"Thanks, son." She accepted, looking at that man who had been her major source and reason of fortitude for so many years. She couldn't help recalling his father on his silver mane or the golden of his eyes, albeit she could see herself in the smile he usually gave her. "C'mon, let's prepare something to eat, and we'll separate a part without salt for Myoga."
In that way they both began to work, aside from catching up on trivial things. InuYasha felt grateful that his mother wasn't one to pry into his private life, girlfriends and such. He told her about his work, and the new way in which he prepared ramen; he didn't want to talk about the therapies, nor Kagome.
When they arrived to Myoga's side, who was still on the hospital's bed, the elderly man smiled at him almost with worship. He was a lonely man, without family. He had never said anything about having siblings, only once he told IuYasha about a girlfriend he had during his youth, who he sought to marry; yet never actually told him why he didn't, albeit InuYasha thought it was because the man liked his independency.
"Boy." He said, wanting to voice it louder, but held back because of the place and his roommates.
"How are you, Myoga?" Their friendship had always been that, just a couple of friends, which had added respect and honor to it.
"As you can see, I'm still here." The elderly man smiled, showing a face populated by wrinkles.
"You've given us quite the scare." InuYasha added, receiving the hand the man had extended as a greeting.
"Well, it wasn't more than a scare." He tried to lessen the importance of the matter, yet InuYasha could see from the tone of his friend's voice that he too had had a bad time. "I'm glad to see you, when was the last time?"
"Spring." Clarified InuYasha.
"Almost half a year..." He commented, with a hint of reproach.
"You know, work..."
"To be young." The elderly man interjected. InuYasha smiled. "C'mon, tell me... any girls?" The question was a custom, every time they saw each other was the same; Myoga wasn't like his mother.
InuYasha had to take a moment before answering, as his mind, in an act of betrayal, immediately conjured Kagome's image, making his chest flare up with a sensation quite akin to happiness.
"Nothing." He said, simply. In silence he added that I can tell yet.
"Oh, that's a shame." The old man lamented; the same way he did every time he asked that question. "Well, just so you know, a few hours ago I saw that girl Tsuji, the one that went to High School with you."
Kikyo.
"That so." Was all that InuYasha said.
"Yes, his father is a doctor in this hospital and I think she came back to town for a while." Myoga had the tendency of a rumormonger, talking about everybody's business. Usually, InuYasha had no issue with him telling him stories about people he didn't know, not really, but in this case, he couldn't be comfortable with it.
"Mom should be about to arrive; she was looking for the doctor who is going to sign your discharge." He began to say, as a way to change topics.
"Thanks." He answered, not showing much interest." The nurses say the girl Tsuji was going to marry someone, but that she canceled the wedding. They still don't know the reason."
"And they don't have to know why either." InuYasha cut, harsher than intended.
He imagined Kikyo had continued with her life, their paths separated many years ago; even so, it still wasn't pleasant to know about her.
"I'm sorry if I bothered you, boy, lots of hours waiting make for little entertainment." The old man apologized. It wasn't like he knew anything for certain about InuYasha and the girl Tsuji, however he did suspect something was up when the kid seemed to be up in the clouds during his last year of High School.
"No, Myoga, I'm sorry..."
"Sir Myoga, I see you are doing well." Izayoi entered the room, and InuYasha stared through the door, almost waiting for someone to appear behind her.
It was past eight o'clock at night, and InuYasha found himself in the room which until but a few years ago had been his. Everything was pretty much in the same place he left them when his steps took him to seek a path in Tokio. The same posters on the wall, the desk right beside the door and the bed, now quite narrow for him in comparison with the one he had back in his apartment. Everything looked smaller there, and it wasn't like his place was that much bigger either, yet because his apartment was but a single room, gave that impression.
He sighed, keeping his phone close with the clear intention of calling Kagome, only stopped by his own mind that haven't been able to stop thinking about what Myoga said about Kikyo. It wasn't like he still felt anything for the woman, knowing his own feelings for her had ended a long time ago, yet there was a thorn stuck to him that kept causing him pain. InuYasha was aware of the resentment he still felt, more than anything because of how his life had changed after her.
Almost two years had to pass for him to attempt a relationship with someone, not capable of defining it as stable or temporary, but the truth is that the girl back then seemed to really want to earn his trust, and InuYasha, one time and again, kept shutting down her efforts. The insecurity, the fear of not being enough, the jealousy that brought, turned those months into something so toxic he didn't wish to repeat with anyone. That ended with the girl crying under the rain, and him deciding to never try again.
Thursday, it was time for therapy, yet Kagome wasn't sure to attend or not. She knew InuYasha wouldn't be there, the call he received that Tuesday's night changed his plans, at least for a few days, and that somehow made her care less about the sessions. Right now, she was pondering her own motives for assisting a group therapy for addictions. The last few days had put forward a perspective she hadn't considered: maybe her addiction wasn't sex itself.
Since she began with this quite noticeable fondness for sex, she thought it was an unhealthy tendency and that idea, inevitably, made her think of it as an addiction, and she herself pushed it and presented it as such to every single therapist she had visited. The last one was the one who accepted it better, gven their last session together. Being with InuYasha had turned into a kind of obsession, and she had to admit that if sex were the only thing that mattered, she'd be riding Kōga, naked and in all his splendor; yet, it wasn't like that. Now that she was going through this phase with InuYasha, she wondered if her problem wasn't centered around a different point. A tiny voice, in the depths of her conscience, whispered it to her even if she didn't want to hear it, because doing so, hurt.
She sighed. Any other day, before InuYasha, she would have thought about getting a companion for Thursday, instead of pondering the idea of spending it in solitude or going to therapy. However, there she was, at the office, working the last few hours she had left and swaying between going or not to a meeting which had lost all relevance now the she knew InuYasha wouldn't be there, and that their Thursday's encounter had no chance of happening.
She remained there, staring through the window a moment, as the rain kept falling like it had been doing the past two days, reminding her of how intermittent emotions could be; She was diametrically opposed to talk about a feeling.
"Kagome?" She was called, and after turning around she found Ayame right beside her. It was now the second time she pulled her out of her reverie.
"Yes, Ayame. Tell me." She tried to sound kind and cordial with the girl who came out as a bit shy.
"I was wondering if... well... would you mind if I take these designs to Kōga?" She showed her a few templates in a folder.
She didn't need to be too intuitive to know the girl liked the illustrator they had. Kagome wasn't attached to the man, however a tiny part of her considered him hers in a way, and her insecurity brough doubts which she managed to ignore.
"No, of course, I'm okay with it." She accepted, knowing she had just opened a door for the girl to have something with her own casual date. Ayame's smile all but confirmed that she did expect something to develop between them.
"Thank you." She said, trying to hold back the emotionality behind her enthusiasm.
Kagome smiled at her, not able to help that sensation of letting go of something you couldn't know if you may need again in the future. In that moment, she wasn't conscious of the fight inside her, against her fear of failure.
She looked at her phone, again, once again, waiting to know about InuYasha. At the end they decided to exchange phone numbers and keep a kind of contact in case it was necessary. InuYasha had explained that there had been a situation back at his mother's home and that he'd spend a few days out. He hadn't explained what it was about, and she had to admit not feeling the freedom of asking too much.
If she thought about it with a cold head, sex didn't guarantee intimacy. Maybe that's what at first brought her confidence, to know she could do with her body whatever she wanted, and that it didn't matter nor meant anything, not really. Yet right there she felt a hole in her chest, as if a piece of her was missing, and she was unable to find it.
She took a deep breath, and as she released the air, she decided it was best to keep working, and let the hours pass until he made an attempt to communicate.
In front of her there was a narration which was plagued by writing clichés. Sometimes she couldn't but question how was it possible for these stories to be published, when there was such a need of common sense in the world; Once she thought about it, she felt her own words pointed at her as not the best example of common sense wandering the streets.
How ironic. She thought. After all, the judgement we pass onto others always comes back to bite us later.
The therapy session, to Kagome, had gone as expected. The majority of the attendants told what they considered to be their problems in front of what Kibou, the group therapist, had asked them in the survey. She felt grateful at the fact that there hadn't been enough time for them all, and that her turn got delayed to next week. Maybe it was because of her own questions which had wandered in her mind the past few days, or simply because of the apathy with which she had gone to therapy today, but the fact was she didn't feel like speaking.
To exit the place had become an act of salvage for her. She had done her share of kindness of the day, smiling at everyone who greeted her and said goodbye at the end, as they put their shoes back on at the genkan.
On her way home she thought about buying something for dinner, yet later considered that the two things she had back in her kitchen were enough, it wasn't like she was hungry anyway. For some strange reason her mood had been decaying little by little as the day went by, and right now she walked with her gaze down and her arms crossed, self-absorbed in her thoughts. She had a story which she had started a few years ago, yet abandoned it because she didn't feel capable of narrating it, nor tell someone about it, as to get the maelstrom of ideas out of her mind. After all, it was her love of writing what had her working at an editorial. A sigh, linked to her thoughts, found place in her lungs, yet the act of releasing it was halted by a filthy remark of a man that came close to her ear. Kagome became scared, and looked back only to see that the man had turned around and was now walking on the opposite direction. She felt annoyed at not being able to throw him plague of curses, and for dropping her guard. Despite her many precautions she had stopped paying attention to her surroundings and some low-life had taken the liberty of telling her how he'd stick it inside her. Her mind took her immediately to recall her appearance: a simple dress, heels, jacket... nothing that deserved what she had been told. She also cursed herself for considering there could ever be reason enough for that.
She sped up her pace, as a last resort of protection. There were still two streets to reach the building in which she lived, and despite it wasn't such a late hour, the cold and rain made the streets look emptier than usual. She neared a crossroads and before reaching it, she encountered a group of people, men and women, coming out of a food establishment and walking her way. She felt relieved at the prospect of not being alone on the sidewalk, yet her security lasted only until she heard the same voice of that man behind her, whispering how much he'd like to stick it in her ass.
Kagome turned around, scared and agitated. She shouted some curses at him, voice trembling, to the man taking a few steps back, looking at her.
"Are you alright?" She heard the group get near her, and far from regaining her calm, she felt even more exposed.
She barely thanked them before turning around to walk as fast as she could to her building's street. In that moment she was going through a severe need of security.
As she got close to her portal, she was able to glimpse a tall figure of clear hair. Kagome felt how her eyes became filled with tears before that image, and how much it meant for her right now.
"I'm glad you've arrived; I was starting to freeze out here." InuYasha's voice had never sounded so beautiful as now.
To be continued.
A/N
I leave you another chapter, giving a bit more insights to the character's shape.
I hope you liked it, and that you leave your opinions and comments.
Kisses!
Anyara.
This text is possible thanks to the translation of: Dezart
