Chapter XXX

Thirtieth session

The light coming from the street weakly entered through the window without curtains Kagome's apartment had. Despite being closed and the crystal that was between the outside and the interior, the siren of an ambulance could be heard, taking possession of the auditive space the night allowed. She stayed there observing InuYasha's features as he slept, for moments of calm like these were rare, his work hours left him very little time to rest in the week, and even less if their encounters on the bed went on too long. She was addicted to sex, or so she defined herself, however she didn't care if he were to come only to sleep. At the same time, he too defined himself as an addict to sex, and never had he put on the table the option of skipping a good session of pleasure; even when he warned her he'd only come to sleep. In every one of their encounters, they'd inevitably end up entangled up on the futon.

And now, she dedicated herself to admire him. When he rested it was as if some of his years got lost in the midst of dreams, his countenance relaxing, his beautiful features softening, gentler, giving out calm. His eyelashes were dark and thick, one of the reasons why his eyes were so attractive by framing his golden iris. His lips were parted into a fine line through which he breathed, and she could hear the subtle and constant whistle of that breathing.

She wasn't sure about anything of what they were doing. They've been many days carried by the charm of the new, albeit she knew she wasn't letting herself be carried by it too much, for she couldn't. Who would she be if she didn't have control over herself?

She took a deep breath, and allowed herself to feel tenderness before the image of InuYasha sleeping.

That afternoon they had group therapy, they only had to attend one more and that would be the first time she ever lasted in a therapy until the last session. For the most part, she would usually start feeling uncomfortable with the references they'd give her, the way in which she'd see herself reflected on them, and just how close they'd get her to the emotions she disliked to stir. In today's reunion, and in contrast to previous times, InuYasha and she sat by each other, and she had the sensation of being observed a bit more than usual by Kibou, the therapist; even more when they shared some comments about the survey's answers that they should reframe to themselves.

In a couple of days, it'd be the birthday of Sango and Miroku's daughters. She didn't say anything to InuYasha, not believing herself prepared to face the possibility of going with him and feel that this week of intimate moments, which up until now had only belonged to them, could come out of the walls where they lived them. The pressure that filled her chest, product of the emotion, was so strong she needed to let out the air in a rush, as not to cry. She was afraid of feeling, loving and of InuYasha truly seeing her bare, with everything that burdened her heart, which could end the magic and make him leave, leaving her with nothing.

To her mind came one of the questions that appeared on the therapy's survey and she had preferred not to answer, and so did the therapist expose it to her:

Could it be I have a hard time recognizing my emotions, managing them and expressing them?

The answer to that was a partial yes.

She closed her eyes, and decided she preferred to hold on to the control of what she could, and the barrier that still protected her. In the end, InuYasha seemed happy with what she could give.

He couldn't stop looking at her as she buttoned her skirt at the right side, still wearing only her bra on the upper part. InuYasha had already finished dressing up, and was now waiting for her with his back against one of the walls, too angry as to answer with his gaze the invitation she had just made. He'd learnt already to read her expressions when sex was involved, yet he still needed practice to uncover her hidden plans.

"Are you still angry?" She asked him, taking a bit too long to adjust the waistline of the blue skirt she'd wear today.

He remained silent. How was he supposed to answer that?

"Come by when you get out of work, I'll wait for you awake." She offered him, yet he still didn't reply, quite annoyed at the sensation of being in the same spot as last week, sleeping with her yet not being part of her life nor her decisions.

"It doesn't matter Kagome. Don't strain yourself." He turned away his gaze, through the window.

An intense silence came right after, of those who are filled with uncertainty and weight on the heart.

He saw her get close, with the upper part of her clothes still in her hands, and she sought his gaze, from that low height she managed to get when barefoot. It was strange that sensation of being in front of someone with so much power over him and his mood, when he towered over her by a head and half, at least.

"Don't be angry." She began to slid her fingers through the jersey he was wearing. "I didn't tell you anything because I knew you'd be busy." The fingers were now seeking the border of his pants.

He reminded himself he decided to keep his expectations controlled and not demand of Kagome more than she was willing to give at every moment. However, his emotions were now telling him about how much he wanted from what he seemed keen on calling a relationship.

"I could have asked for a free day, if I'd known." He clarified. She wouldn't rise her gaze, forcibly distracted on his clothes.

He could notice through her gesture that she was trying to unbutton his pants, and that gave him an idea of what would be the next step. For a moment, he let her do as she pleased, as the feeling of her fingers grazing his belly shaped itself in his mind. He pondered whether to stop her of let her keep going, and not precisely because of the sexual implications, but due to the constant use Kagome gave it to get out of anything related to her emotions. In the middle of sex everything flowed and it seemed easy to understand each other. The postures on the bed, or wherever they were, were accepted and enjoyed; however, to get closer to one's heart was a titanic labor.

"No." He said, softly, halting her hand's advances.

Contrary to what he thought could happen, she didn't rise her gaze to question his decision. She crouched and took the upper cloth she let fall to the ground previously, in her attempt to seduce him, and smiled before turning around and continue dressing up.

It would end like this? Their conversation? The implication it had towards their try at a relationship?

"I should have told you." She said all of a sudden, as she adjusted her clothes. "I hope that you understand that the usual for me is to fuck someone and just close the door right after."

He certainly knew it, she herself warned him about it, viscerally, taking the possibility to torturous scenes. Even so, her words hurt him in the stomach with so much violence a fist in the gut would have been less painful.

"I guess you can go to the station by yourself."

He needed to go out of that little apartment without curtains, without frames on the walls. He hadn't realized the abandoned sensation resting in that place, of a place screaming that she wouldn't remain there.

"Yes."

Her answer was stark, and he didn't ask anything else. He left.

The temple was filled with kids between three and seven years of age, all wearing their traditional vestment, Sango and Miroku's daughters included, and to see her friends so happy was something beautiful for her. The decorations made allusion to the festivity celebrating the little ones, wishing them blessings and a long life. Her friend's daughters wore green and pink kimonos, and each carried a balloon of the color of their clothes.

"I'm so glad you came" Sango was telling her, as she walked beside her through a path made with rocks, and that led to the main temple.

"It's a pretty place, and your daughters seem happy." She smiled, observing the two little ones go by their father's hand, a few meters in front of them.

The place was full of laughs, happiness and families, it was a day to wish for the children's well-being, who were now on their first years of life. Kagome thought, suddenly, what kind of mother would Sango become as years came by. Right now, she was sure of her being an excellent mother when it came to dedication and care for her children. However, her thoughts pointed to something else, the moment when mothers would begin to shape their children's life, and probably Sango's were beginning to live that age, for until now her friend had only made sure they survived in the most basic form possible.

She tightened the scarf around her neck, the day was clouded and cold. It was an unfamiliar environment that one, despite the fact that the crowds and the hubbub weren't that foreign to her, given the celebrations her grandfather would hold at their temple. However, she was yearning to be somewhere else, amidst a space more like her. If she had to be honest with herself, even if hard to accept, she wanted to be with InuYasha.

"What are you thinking about? You are quiet." Sango mentioned then.

She remained silent an instant more, feeling her pulse agitated and her mind tangled in knot of conclusions and logic reasoning. She knew what she wanted to say, and yet it seemed as if the cloudy sky covering her were to come down as soon as she were to say it. She looked at her friend sideways, as if looking for a reason or a distraction to change topics, yet Sango was giving her all of her attention.

"I'm going out with someone." To hear herself say it out loud was as if making it real, and effectively, it was as immense as the sky above her head.

"What?" The question came out abrupt, and Hisui whined, sleepy against her chest. She swayed him softly, her eyes locked on her.

"You've heard me." Her features birthed a soft and shy smile.

"I've heard you, what I don't know is if I understood you right." These kinds of clarifications were usual in Sango, even more when the matter at hand was important to her.

She had to breathe in deeply before being able to repeat it.

"I'm going out with someone." She said again, to make the idea fit, not expecting to become so emotional by hearing those words once more.

Her friend's steps halted then, and she turned around to look at her. A new silence found place between them, this time accompanied by Sango's every idea orchestrating inside her head, only to release each and every one of them in an overwhelming volley.

"Since when? Where did you meet? What's his name? Does your mother know?"

In that moment she realized how little she liked to share details about her life.

"Well, you definitely didn't leave anything inside the inkpot." She joked, trying not to show how uncomfortable she felt.

"I'm sorry, I just didn't expect it." She was honest.

"To be fair, neither did I." She looked in the distance, and saw Miroku dealing with his daughters, retaining a smile.

"Since when are you going out?" The question was simple, yet it wasn't easy to answer.

"Well, we've known each other for a few months now." She explained. "And we've been a couple for a week."

It seemed little time when she spoke of a week, and even more given the months of knowing each other, everything running through her memories seemed to require longer than that. Suddenly, she became conscious of the way in which her world was beginning to be filled by InuYasha's presence, and although she didn't know then, that could only mean that the bubble would, at some point, pop.

"Your mother doesn't know, then." She couldn't not recognize the regret in Sango's voice, probably because she had an inkling of how hard it was for her to talk to her mother.

"She doesn't." Kagome would have added she wouldn't tell her even if the world were to come apart.

"I guess everything will come when it has to." Sango seemed to analyze. Kagome looked at her, and had to face the eyes of her friend, first with the reticence of someone who needs to protect their secrets, to then breathe and open up to the emotion of being with someone who loved her and didn't judge her. "What matters is... are you happy?"

She had to take a moment to answer that. It was hard to rummage under the thick layers of protection she usually placed. She knew it wasn't possible for her to open her heart completely and expose her feelings, yet she could answer that question with some clarity.

"Yes."

Yes, because her heart expanded inside her chest when seeing him entering her apartment; yes, because she felt complete when he covered her with the warmth of his body; yes, because when he kissed her, that kiss tingled on her skin; and yes, for his eyes looked at her as if she were an unreachable treasure.

"I'm glad." She felt her friend squeezing her hand, and looked at that point of contact. "And now, tell me, Why didn't you come with him?"

"He couldn't come today." She hurriedly explained, and in part, it was true.

She realized she didn't want to explain her reticence and the reason why she hadn't wanted to tell InuYasha before. She understood Sango would become the voice of her conscience and she didn't want to face moral defenses that, on top of that, were just.

"I see." Her friend accepted. "And... what's his name?"

His name. She took note that, until then, she hadn't been able to share his name with anyone.

"InuYasha."

She had boarded the train a long while ago, and she had still some stations to go before reaching the stop she had to take. Looking at the hour on her phone, she checked only two minutes had passed since the last time she did so: it was nine past six. She was seated at a place beside a window, and touched her chin with the phone as she looked outside, to a day that was now just a thin line on the horizon. She felt annoyed at herself for not giving InuYasha the chance of going with her. Given the hour, it was possible he could have gone to work in time.

She sighed and pondered the possibility of calling him, after a long day of silence between them in which there wasn't a single message. She also shuffled the idea of waiting for him outside his work, however her stomach would turn before the idea, it was a reality she had done wrong, and that he rejected the only tool she believed to have to compensate him.

Suddenly, she recalled the first boy she slept with. She hadn't planned everything, maybe she only did so in her subconscious. She had run into him outside of an izakaya, in one of the districts frequented by young people to try and find a partner. She offered him an apology and then she caught the light reflecting off his green eyes. She asked him if he wanted to go for a drink, beating the fear the situation filled her with, it was the first time she ever reached out to someone in those terms. He accepted and the idea of having sex with him came up when they were a couple of glasses in, and the boy had begun to tell her about how well he got along with his sisters, in that moment she thought that someone who spoke so well about the women in the family couldn't be a bad person. It was then that the idea took a more solid form and made her decide she needed to cross that line left by the experience she had in that alleyway, almost a year ago. She would be the owner of her fear and sexuality, and no one would take that away from her.

The encounter was warm, so to speak. She didn't enjoy it, not really, as everything happened in some mechanic way, outside of her heart. Physically she felt something close to climax, yet emotionally she only felt content with having taken that step. That was her first time, and she herself chose it, at least.

She looked at the time on her phone again, another five minutes had come and gone. Her stop was the next one, so she decided to stand up and walk towards the doors to wait. The day was being a strange one so far, in which the events, the emotions and her own memories were mixed up inside her. She ran into someone as she moved, and looked up as she muttered an apology.

"Kōga."

As said, the day was being a strange one.

To be continued.

A/N

I leave you a new chapter of this story that's approaching, little by little, its end and that strange sensation of saying goodbye to someone who one loves.

I hope you've liked it.

Thank you for reading and keeping me company,

Anyara.

This text is possible thanks to the translation of: Dezart