The blades slashed behind his nape as Bertholdt gazed in shock at the hardened form of the Titan that Eren left behind. How had he been capable of this ability? Surely the islanders couldn't have gotten access to the serums used by Marley to advance their own Titans too. They were too far behind due to their mind wiping.
The rapid slashes which took his limbs clean off overflowed with the pure rage of the boy who stood here five years ago as he watched his home town be destroyed by the same hands. It happened too fast to process before the pain could register.
Bertholdt's mind spun as he went into shock. How could he have been tricked this easily? Hadn't he grown past this shit? That was a dumb thing to wonder when he had known these people all these years. Reiner had been right about Eren particularly. He wouldn't stop at anything if somebody got in the way of his friends… or ambitions. There was nothing they could do to change anybody or anything, here or home.
He'd been too confident in himself. Why were the islanders so blind to Eren's power he held?
Of course, that was another dumb question.
His stubs made horrible hissing sounds as steam radiated in all directions. The last time they had been standing on a wall together, they had taken Eren's limbs as well. How fair but cruel the exchange. Quickly, the excruciating pain got to him, and he met the blackness in front of him, embracing him for who he was, the child of devils who didn't deserve life or death.
…
His eyes snapped open. Where was Eren? He'd gotten away no thanks to Armin who was at least dead now. There was no way he would have survived that steam. But the Coordinate. They needed it no matter the cost. It was worth far more than his insignificant life in the scheme of things.
Zeke, where was Captain Zeke? Where was Reiner? They needed him back in battle if the Survey Corps had Captain Ackerman and Mikasa out there still, but his limbs… why hadn't they grown back yet? Why couldn't he do it any faster? These questions quickly became irrelevant as something with shaggy blonde hair and a guttural growl hovered over him. He was quickly picked up like a child's broken doll.
In the distance stood his friends, the ones he spent so many days with, the ones who hoped that he and Reiner would grow old with them. Not that such a thing would happen with the ticking bomb in him set to detonate in few years time regardless, but the sentiment filled him with a moment of respite.
His friends. Comrades. People just like those back at home. People who would be there to save him.
But his friends from peaceful days had no need to move to help him. Eren wasn't going to be an idiot and jump into the Titan's mouth to pull him out. He had no reason to save him, just like Bertholdt had no reason to let them keep living aside from emotions that conflicted his racing heart.
This was not one of Zeke's controlled Titans. They'd done a headcount before striking. There was only one other possibility.
No. How could this be? They couldn't have figured out how this all works. There had to have been a miscount. They couldn't have gotten access to the Pure Titan serum too. How much of Eren's father's memories did they have? What did they learn from that Krista- no, Historia? Is this why Ymir insisted she be left behind at the last minute?
Just who had they turned into a Titan?
What could he have done differently?
No matter what happens in the end, I'm ready to accept it.
"Annie! Reiner!" Bertholdt screamed in agony as the former human being now held him in his mouth as a pure Titan, seemingly mindless but with the only driving intention on his mind to be devouring another of his kind to be able to turn back and survive like the animals they all were.
You're not devils. But you have to die.
He had no escape without his gangly limbs his friends would tease him for in Survey Corps training. The same friends of his had turned on him, no surprise, as they watched with great tension somewhere off in the distance without any sympathy, like wolves to their prey. Not that he cared about them at this moment either. Armin's Titan's monstrous teeth crunched into his skull and his last screams echoed around him in the destroyed district of Shiganshina, and only darkness existed then.
…
Until… there was something. This was not the end.
Bertholdt didn't need to blink to come to. He was fully aware of himself. He hadn't faded into nothingness after all. He could think and remember his whole life. He remembered it several times over. It must have taken hours if this place had any time.
He recounted to himself what happened in the last few moments before that Titan bit into him. He put a hand to his chest. He had no heartbeat. Was this truly death? If it was, it was far less painful than he imagined considering what he had done without an ounce of strength to stop his actions, his loyalty, his duty. Yet these were only memories. What was out there before him?
Bertholdt found himself standing in a sandy place. Had he been here before? It seemed like he had briefly years ago, even if it was all hazy. Before him, seemingly very far away, was a large glowing tree that branched into the dark, starry sky. And in front of the tree was a small sad girl with blonde hair and empty eyes, dressed in simple rags. In her hands was a simple wooden bucket. Her eyes met his as she mechanically trundled toward him, her march taking both eternity and mere seconds.
It was all rushing to his head from somewhere in that time he stood without the will to escape.
This was Ymir Fritz. She was the one who made the deal with the devil. She was the one who had caused all this pain and destruction through her children across the world. She hurt the Marleyans whom the Eldians owed their lives to in order to make up for their pain and suffering in this so cruel world whether they deserved it or not, friends or enemies.
"Loyalty is good too", he told Reiner years ago as Warrior Candidates. If they only listened to Marley and got to become Warriors, they would be able to save the world from those devils on the island. They would have to kill many people there, but they would stop the worldwide suffering by being cruel once to end it all.
Or twice.
Or a third time.
Not even the third time. Where had Reiner gone? Was he eaten too? He peered across the empty landscape for his beloved comrade. If he hadn't encouraged him that day in training, maybe he wouldn't be in this mess. And all he'd done was push him on despite his lack of leadership. And just when he thought he had been able to overcome his passiveness, it all meant nothing to his mission in the end.
He looked away from Ymir Fritz for a moment, and not just for fear of her hollow eyes that pierced his remaining inner being. Next to his right foot, some of the sand rose and shifted, and the body of a charred, nude blond boy appeared. Bertholdt's form shuddered as he recognized the person in question.
Why was Armin here? Was this where all Eldians went after death? Was he going to have to pay for his sins by gazing upon every person he killed, starting with the last and one of his friends?
As he anticipated judgement, Ymir's tiny pale hand grabbed for Berholdt's large clammy hand. She was by no means strong, but he felt something pull at his non-beating heart to follow her pulling. Just going along with it. Nothing new in death.
He searched through his memories for comfort. He wondered where his father was at this moment. He was probably with Reiner's family or Annie's, gathered around at a table talking their way through another day in Liberio's Internment Zone. Would Reiner or Captain Zeke even get back to the island with Pieck to tell them about his sacrifice? They were all living peaceful lives away from the island and with the privileges of Marley. That's all that mattered. And his father would be well cared for. If the government believed them about the islanders being stronger and smarter than they assumed.
But they had lost him now, and there was no way to control who would be getting his Colossal Titan form- an Eldian child on the island, or an Eldian child under Marleyan rule. The worst people possible also had the Coordinate. The world would just get crueler without them understanding why.
Ymir stopped him and pushed him in a kneeling position and laid his hand over the burned figure's chest. He too had no heartbeat to start. In an instant, that changed. Armin's body flinched as the blood flowed in his body once more. Ymir knelt at Bertholdt's side and picked up some sand from her bucket. She started packing Armin's body under sand.
If the meaning of life was cruelty, what was the meaning of death? Bertholdt would have laughed if he still had the strength in him. His devil worshipping people had been following a child who buried people in sand after death? This was their goddess in olden days?
But why was Ymir so… empty? She made no noise during her sand piling. And her movements were so… monotonous. Those Marleyan stories about Ymir were so fickle. She was supposed to be a grand figure, the all-powerful who died so her children could live on and rule the world.
He wasn't that stupid though. None of his Warrior comrades were. None of it was true. So why was he so shocked seeing her like this? There was no real devil she made a pact with. There must have been something else binding her to do this to the descendents of the empire. Maybe he was right after all. No matter what, the world was just so….
Ymir stopped packing sand. Armin's whole body was coated with the rough substance. Hell was burying your murder victims in sand with a hollow child.
Bertholdt's formless mind took him someplace. A memory.
One day, on a very rare occasion where there was no training, the Survey Corps trainees had a leisure day at the lakeside. Most of them had never left their villages or districts to visit a beach, so they spent it enjoying themselves to the fullest. They swam and played in the sand together, crafting castles and miniature versions of the Walls.
Soon, they found themselves burying each other under the sand for fun. Reiner was up to his neck in sand, allowing the younger scouts to bury him, not even trying to stop them. There was no use in Bertholdt stopping it either. He didn't want to be the one ruining the fun, the meek and quiet one he was. He instead wandered off to find Annie under a tree, practicing her martial arts movements. Of course she was the most focused on their real mission. All she could think about was fighting, breaking through the Walls, and getting home. No time for any friends or fun. Their families were depending on them for success, not stories of frolicking with island devils.
At least she didn't deny what they were really here for. She'd gotten even stronger with Survey Corps training than she was back in the Candidacy Program thanks to that Mikasa Ackerman girl- someone with a name like that they'd have to watch their backs for. And her form was looking better shaped by the day. They were becoming young men and women faster than they realized. Too fast, far too fast for the amount of time they had remaining.
Bertholdt swallowed, realizing he was sweating. He peered back at the beach where the rest of his fellow trainees roared with laughter at their sandy creations. Eren was making blobby miniature Titan figures and proceeding to knock them down, garnering cheers from his friends, including Reiner. He'd become quite popular for his untamable spirit toward wiping out the Titans outside the Walls. It was a dream that wouldn't come true, but he had some hidden strength in him that would benefit Marley if he were only a Titan Shifter.
And what were Bertholdt and his comrades doing? Only one of them was doing anything useful at the moment. But it was nice to have a day of peace. All his friends were ignorant, but they were the "devils" they had to destroy. As long as they were keeping tranquil, maybe their end would be quick and peaceful. But their laughter and joy. He couldn't take his mind off of it. He shook his head.
He couldn't let this all fade. But they needed to focus, especially Reiner. Their mission was their mission, but they were going to get back out of this together and live until their final moments, destined to die the same day. And a few years was a long time. They had a chance to live relatively happily as long as they didn't think too hard about their friends here, right?
He got an idea. He trotted back to the lakeshore to cup some water in his bare hands, running back and forth between there and an empty sandy space to moisturize the ground. With his hands, he crafted the tallest, widest structure of sand that he could. He wasn't sure how long it would last before the tide came in, so he went back to Annie's spot under the tree.
She was drying herself off with a towel.
"You're playing in the sand? One of the few times we could converse about our next moves, and you choose to play like little kids?"
"N-no. I mean, Reiner is, but I can't do anything to stop him without the others getting suspicious of me. Right now, that is." Bertholdt felt himself get hot. "Isn't Mina wondering why you're over here alone?"
"Mina? She's hanging out with Sasha, Ymir, and Krista. Something about a kind of fish Sasha wanted to hunt for on the other side of the lake. She understands why I like to train alone. She knows my 'family story'. It's too easy to come up with an excuse to gain sympathy around here."
It was as easy as saying that a fifty meter Titan kicked down the Wall in front of your family home a few years back or a horde of Titans suddenly advanced on your tiny village where all records got conveniently destroyed.
Riotous laughter erupted at the lakeshore. Connie had gotten water up his nose after diving for a rock that Marco threw in. He was having a terrible coughing fit, snorting water in all directions. Annie rolled her eyes. "So, are you here to convince me to play nice with everybody?"
"No! I agree, we need to focus. So I got an idea that won't make us look too out of place. I made you something to… knock down. Eren has a similar idea but with… you know."
"That hothead." Annie's blue eyes peered upwards to meet Bertholdt's. "What did you do?" He lost his words for a moment.
"I… you see… I made you a sand tower. To knock down. See how far you can send it flying." His hands were drenched.
"Oh? Okay. Thanks." She nodded slightly. "Where is it?"
Bertholdt signaled her to follow him. Fortunately, nobody had taken notice of his structure to destroy for themselves. He was honestly rather proud of it. Kids in the Internment Zone never got to leave to go to parks or play at beaches if they didn't have honorary citizenship. He mostly had to observe how to make a sand castle to fit in here.
Annie analyzed the structure. She motioned Bertholdt to stand back. With a cry, she kicked it with her whole will, sending it flying far and wide, the wet chunks hitting the other trainees dozens of meters away. They gasped. Reiner stared back at them, Bertholdt only nodding curtly. Reiner put his head down.
The crowd of trainees broke out in laughter and cheers, impressed at Annie's feat of strength. Armin asked Mikasa if she could do something like that, to which Eren defended her. (Of course she probably could, Bertholdt thought. She was an Ackerman, after all, and she was top of the class, proving her lineage from the clan loyalty and strength lent to the royal family.) Annie glared without saying a word.
Connie begged Bertholdt to make more tall sand structures, and the others joined him. Soon, Annie was kicking up a sandstorm on the beach. They were all so filthy at the end of the day, but everybody got something memorable from that day, whether they were playing games or maintaining and improving upon their training.
Bertholdt was happy that he made Annie happy. To see her glimmering gold hair fly in the wind as she moved with precision, mercilessly taking out each target with the speed of lightning, it delighted him. It was one of his favorite memories from the Survey Corps, a respite from the cruelty and pain of their mission, a bright spot in his life.
It made him glad to be here.
And that memory… became dull. There was no way else to describe it. His hand splayed upon Armin's chest tingled. The colors of the sunny day faded to gray. The memory of Annie became ugly. There was no form to it; only the chaos of destruction and orderless action. Laughter and squealing of his friends turned to cries and screams, reverberating in his being.
Where was it all going? Bertholdt looked down in a panic. Armin's sand coated body was no longer charred. Pale flesh regrew in patches. His body became more and more lively. He stirred.
Armin survived. He was the one that his friends used a Titan serum on. He was getting his Colossal Titan from him. He was taking his precious memories with him.
Walls crashing down. Limbs being torn off. Friends bitten into. Bodies crushed to pulp. The Marleyan military officers warning them about the price of failing their mission. His only positive memories turned dark while any negative memories painted with fear and cruelty amplified, or at least the abstract associations did.
Words became meaningless. Names were distant. Moments were empty, devoid of life.
Bertholdt would have screamed if he had the will, but the equally lifeless Ymir Fritz didn't move or change her facial expression. What was keeping her from doing something? Did she feel no pain for any of them? Was she even carrying out her own will? Not that he could do anything to change his fate either. It was his duty to remain loyal to the end as well. And this wasn't the end, only a clearer picture of the truth of this world. How horrific a way to witness it.
In a matter of seconds and eternity, Bertholdt's mind was empty of anything good. Just the sensation of the pain and suffering that he observed in his seventeen years of life. Maybe this was hell after all.
Ymir removed his hand from Armin's chest. And then, she disappeared from Bertholdt's sight. But Bertholdt could no longer care for or question her motives. The sand around him swallowed him up, dragging him under. There was no use screaming. Nobody was coming for him.
And then… he was floating, suspended in the closest thing to air in hell. From there, he saw Armin, partially clothed and sleeping under a blanket. It was done. Armin was back in the world, given a second chance to be with his friends, but he also had a weapon of mass destruction and memories of one whom they would never be able to fully understand in his naivety. And all he could do was stand by in death.
This was Bertholdt's recompense for all his suffering and the sufferings he caused the world for his unwavering loyalty. Only to have the next person to carry it out for him while in the world, carrying the memories that meant so much to him.
Hurts. It hurts.
Armin looked up at him as if he had heard him. Then, he saw Eren Jaeger embrace him. Wait. He could hear him cry to Armin. No. This was far worse than being completely cut off from the world. It was like the dark room used to punish Eldian children who did not have perfect discipline, except here, he could both see and hear everything that happened outside. This was his remaining connection to the world, and he only got the fully painful part of it left in him, unable to let go, wherever he was left hanging.
That was just the truth. The world was so cruel.
