In the End

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Disclaimer: "Hold On" belongs to Sarah McLachlan.

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Before the Road Ahead

Jack found himself holding his breath as he carefully placed the wet cloth against some blood on the side of Alex's face. Maybe, in some crazy way, it made him feel closer to her, knowing he was struggling. Not quite all there. Then he really felt himself beginning to black out, and Jack gasped for air, closing his eyes tightly. Dropping the towel and placing his hands on his knees, Jack tried desperately to pull himself together, knowing soon enough, he'd have to face the others. Not just Kate, either. He opened his eyes, and looked up before looking around the jungle, secretly hoping Kate would stumble through the shrubs in a misstep. But on the surface, he knew that wouldn't happen. For one, Kate was too graceful. But still, he hoped for Kate..the reason he let the breath go.

(space)

"Kate?"

Kate looked up from where she sat in the caves. She had been sitting in the same position the time she thought Sawyer was dead, only a few years ago..

"Yeah?" Kate said innocently, pulling a strand of hair away from her face.

"You okay?" Charlie asked her, offering her a smile as he took a step into the room.

"Yeah," Kate lied, nodding, "I'm fine. Shouldn't you be with Claire?"

"She's asleep," Charlie said sadly, "it just hit her so hard, you know. Personally after that fight with Shannon.."

Charlie trailed off, and Kate managed a snort in attempts to help Charlie lighten the mood. As the joke looped with a pause, Kate looked down to her hands and her feet that were dangling below the cot she sat on. The cave felt so quiet, so vacant without Jack's presence, or awaiting it. She couldn't even be sure if Jack would come back. It scared her. It really did.

"I don't know if I should go after him," Kate admitted quietly.

"Well," said Charlie thoughtfully said he crossed over and sat down carefully next to Kate. He looked at her. "He did say stay."

"Yeah," Kate whispered.

That was the problem. Jack was falling back into his old habits of denying help, and Kate was terrified of his walls rebuilding, placing itself carefully together brick by brick, eventually becoming nothing but an inexistent hollow form.

Charlie acknowledge the worry on Kate's face, and spoke up to offer more:

"But maybe that's what he needs," Charlie said, speaking Kate's thoughts, "you know, kind of like one of those things where the girlfriend says don't by me a present when she really wants one?"

Kate smiled half-heartily, but it quickly disappeared, erasing itself as soon as it became noticed. Charlie's eyes darkened again. Maybe Kate was falling into some old habits of her own.

"Alex and Jack were close," Charlie went on, sounding sincere about what he was saying. Kate was thankful, she wanted an honest opinion. She really didn't want to do the wrong thing right now. "Maybe you should give him some time."

Placing his hands on his knees, Charlie pushed himself off the cot, leaving Kate to consider his opinion. It was true, maybe Jack just needed time was supposed to be on your side, after all. And though it sounded selfish and horrible, maybe not going to him would make Jack desperate enough to run back to her. Or maybe he'd just fall apart, and she wouldn't be there to pick him back up.

"Well I never was much of a cry on your shoulder person," Charlie chimmed, "but I think I did pretty good, if I don't say so myself."

"Yeah," Kate said quickly, almost forgetting to reply, "you did great, thanks."

"No problem," Charlie said, smiling. Kate envied Charlie's ability to smile at times like these. Hurley and Sawyer seemed to posses the same ability, like it was a gift she was left out on, like Santa forgot a stocking. And as a kid, he always did. "But really though, if you need a shoulder to cry on-"

"Thanks," Kate interrupted quickly.

Now she felt the need to be alone, to think things through. What would Jack do in this situation? Kate knew the answer right away: he'd run after her, of course.

"Funeral's, tomorrow, right?" Charlie asked.

The thought of planning some kind of burial hadn't crossed her mind. Where would they hold the ceremony? They had never buried one of their own before. Sawyer buried David somewhere a little ways out, but no one would want to go that far into the jungle. They no longer felt safe just going to the caves.

"Sure," Kate said quietly.

"Great," Charlie said, and headed for the door. Kate looked down again, suddenly feeling very alone. "Oh, and hey-" Kate forced herself to look up at him, "I'm sure Jack'll understand, whatever you decide. He loves you, you know."

Kate couldn't help but to smile to herself in her mind, nodding to cover it up as Charlie left.

Yeah, he loves me..

(space)

She decided to go after him when it got dark. It was dark and he still wasn't back. The silent jungle haunted her as she walked through it, and Kate struggled to keep focus on the torch balanced inside her sweaty palms as she walked swiftly through the paths to the scene. Once she reached the last brush of trees, Kate stopped, and peaked through the branches to get a sneak peek.

He was still on his knees beside Alex's body, staring down at her as the moonlight illuminated them. He looked so sad..so lost. Kate swallowed hard before stepping into the scene. Immediately Jack turned at the sudden heat and new light.

"Kate," he said finally after they stared at each other for a moment, "I-" looked away, letting out a laugh, as if he couldn't believe it, but had almost expected it anyway. The laugh left a mark, hitting her hard. She just stared at him. "I told you not to follow me."

"I know," Kate said softly, looking down momentarily, slightly ashamed at going against his word, before stepping forward, "I'm sorry, I had to. Charlie said he thought-"

"You went to Charlie?" Jack said in disbelief. He shook his head. He was actually almost laughing now in a full out twisted grin. Kate tried to convince herself that this was nothing more than a result of a lack of sleep, too much trauma too fast. He would never hurt her, not like that. And he promised he wouldn't after he hit her..so Kate continued to stare at him, hoping inside- for his sake- he wouldn't go too far. "Kate-"

"Please," she begged desperately. "I just wanted you to know-"

"That you're there for me, I know," Jack finished for her. He shook his head as Kate continued to watch him nervously, "look, I went through this before, I'm fine, all right?"

"Jack, it's the middle of the night!" Kate exclaimed. "That..thing..is still out there, it-"

"Don't tell me about it!" Jack shouted, startling Kate so much she nearly fell back at the what could've been physical impact. "I just..I don't need you right now."

Kate's mouth felt dry. She was at lost for words, in shock by the statement. He didn't need her..he didn't need her. But she needed him. And she knew he needed her. How would she make him believe that? Jack's pained eyes bore into hers, and Kate had no choice but to turn away. If she stepped forward he'd yell at her, which would only make him angrier once he realized what he put her through later.

"Funeral's tomorrow," she whispered, back turned to him.

Jack didn't reply. She didn't expect him to. Kate walked back into the jungle, out of sight, leaving Jack alone to follow the flicker of her torch's flame until the very last minute, begging her with the eyes she couldn't see to understand. At last he had to turn back to the body in front of him, and for the first time Jack noticed the rancid smell that had developed from the stillness of it. Then he knew: she was really gone.

(space)

The night came and went slowly, lingering on until the last possible minute before sundown. Instead of going to her own tent, Kate stayed in their cave with the thought of Jack's possible return on her mind. He never came back.

That afternoon the sun poke through the clouds, and nature remained quiet for respect as the castaways gathered silently around the decided grave-spot- right near where Jack buried his father. Hurley joked lightly that it could be like a two for one stop for him now. No one laughed.

Kate filed in line after Sawyer, whose hand would brush against Rebecca's and linger there for a moment or two before she dropped it in protest. Her own sad, tired, eyes towards the ground, Kate never noticed Sawyer's frequent glances to her. Jack still hadn't showed up. At this rate, they wouldn't even have a second body for the grave dug voluntarily by Locke. Danielle wasn't present either.

Sayid and Boone stood at the front of Shannon's grave, where they had brought in and sat down her body. Neither spoke or looked at anyone, and it went noted that they had each cleaned up nicely, something they never did. Unless they were around Shannon.

Once they were all there, everyone looked around, because it didn't go unnoticed there were bodies absent. Though he dug the grave Locke wasn't there, and neither was Danielle or Jack. When Kate finally looked up, glancing around one last time in hopes of seeing him, she noticed Boone had also looked around. He looked sick. Sayid, on the other hand, just looked distant, much like Jack had the night before: lost.

It was quiet until Aaron's soft cries filled the air, followed quickly by Claire's desperate attempts to silent him. Charlie didn't look embarrassed, but distant as well, much unlike the night before. Even Hurley had no more jokes to offer, and Sawyer stood there as well, staring at the empty grave that belonged to Alex. Rebecca's hand latched into his, but Sawyer didn't seem to noticed. She rubbed his back as well, partially just looking for a reaction. Nothing.

They waited for either Sayid or Boone to step forward, and each looked like they forgot to agree on the arrangement. Kate stepped up beside Sawyer, and began waiting for everyone else. She took a last look around for Jack, knowing that after this, for respect she shouldn't be distracting herself. After what felt like a decade's worth of slow moving, unwanted time, Sayid stepped up in front of Boone, who continued to stare into the grave. Despite her worries about Jack, she felt sorry for Boone, who was clearly close to his step-sister.

"She didn't realize it at the time," Sayid began, "but when we first crashed, Shannon was unsure of herself as a sibling, and as a person." A few people glanced at Boone, curious for a response, but his former expression remained the same. "Fortuently she had an amazing sense of change. Unfortuently, not many of you had the opportunity to see this."

She could've sworn she heard him approach, but only she and Sayid noticed when Jack stumbled out of the jungle in exhaust, carrying something in a blue tarp with him. Alex. Kate met eyes with him, offering Jack a sympathetic smile, a feeling of relief rushing through her. Sayid glanced towards Jack but ignored him as he sat the body on the ground, careful not to disturb the other survivors. Then, quietly, Jack stepped up beside Kate, making his presence as unknown as possible. Her eyes began to water as she felt the aurora of his sadness leak into the atmosphere, and she clinged onto his hand, intertwining his fingers with her for support. She was nearly thrilled when he didn't back away.

The small disturbance seemed to throw off Sayid, who continued to hesitate continuing. At last he swallowed, closing his eyes before turning towards Boone and forcing out:

"Is there anything you would like to say?"

"I'll miss her," Boone said simply with a shrug.

It was decided unanimously that Sayid summed up just about all of what he was going to say. Sayid waited for Boone to continue, but Boone remained silent. Sayid made a sudden shift of positions, and hesitated before bending down to one knee on the ground. Boone followed automatically. Together they picked up Shannon and lowered her into the grave. Not a word was spoken. Jack watched but he didn't appear to be paying attention, thinking that in just a few moments, that would be him bending down, burying Alex. Danielle hadn't even came to the funeral. He felt a pang of disappointment, quickly followed by anger towards her. Alex was her daughter, after all.

The body was now settled into the grave, and everyone waited to see what would happen next. Not a breath was taken. The whole funeral seemed so surreal that it felt certain that any moment it would all disaperate, leaving behind only a clogged memory of something that might've happened.

Everyone watched as both Sayid and Boone picked up a handful of dirt and, together, threw it into the grave. Boone watched as the particles of dried land scattered over Shannon's face, covering up her beauty- her way of survival. Next to him Sayid stood, quicker than he would've liked, abruptly ending the burial. Sayid nodded to Jack, signaling the second burial. Kate gave his hand a tight squeeze, and instead of relaxing, her muscles tensed as he let go. Slightly surprising everyone- including Jack- it was Sawyer who stepped forward to help Jack move the body, and together they silently placed it inside the pre-dug grave. Unlike Sayid, Jack couldn't stand there and give a eulogy while looking at the empty, soulless, body. There was too much emotion, too much guilt to even attempt to form words in its presence. It. The word seemed so cold that Jack had to swallow it away. He wasn't ready for 'it' yet. Sawyer stepped away from the body quickly, as if fearing being caught in the spotlight. All eyes were dancing around Jack now, and Jack knew what he had to do. What he had to say. He realized he was breathing heavily in anxiety, and held a breath before finally speaking:

"None of us will ever know what Alex was like before she crashed here," Jack began. He swallowed, struggling to continue. Kate watched him helplessly, wishing, somehow, she could help him. "But all I know is that she was an amazing girl, who was put through too much..too much for someone her age. Too much for anyone. And I'm proud of her."

Kate glanced down, flinching at the present tense verb.

"I-"

Heads turned suddenly and Jack was cut off as everyone looked to see the person creeping up on the funeral, hiding themselves amongst the branches of jungle, only inching out at the last possible minute. Danielle. Jack turned just in time to see her step out, in his words were caught in his breath. It was a long moment before anyone did anything.

"We can leave," Jack offered finally, "if you want-"

"No," Danielle cut in quickly.

Jack looked down to the ground. Part of him prayed for her to say yes, just so he'd have an excuse to get away. Reality set in, and he knew he had to finish. But not yet. Burying Alex was different with than burying his father. After his father died Jack wanted to rush through everything, making sure he never took in a single moment of it. With Alex, he wanted to take in every moment, lingering out the process as long as possible.

"Would you like to say anything?" Jack asked her.

He was sure Danielle would refuse, but she didn't. Instead, she seemed very confident in speaking up in front of everyone, shooting out her acknowledgments like bullets.

"She was my daughter." Jack winced at the emphasis on 'my', as if the word was thrown directly to him. "I loved her."

The ground suddenly seemed welcoming, more welcoming that looking at the woman whose daughter was laying dead below them. Maybe she was right. Maybe Jack had overstepped his boundaries. But then, why had he cared so much?

"I'm sorry," he whispered suddenly, surprising even himself.

No one questioned him, but Jack quickly recovered as, like Boone and Sayid, he picked up a handful of dirt. Before throwing it into the grave, marking the first step towards a permanate leave.

"Do you-" Jack began quietly.

Danielle shook her head. She now looked petrified at being called upon on, as if were she to take one step forward, she'd be sick. Jack looked at the dirt in his hand for a long moment, he could hear Kate counting for him in her head. It was like their thing now. After the long, hesitant, pause, Jack thrust the dirt into the whole, blinking painfully as some of the particles flew into his eyes, leaving a stinging stain of pitiness. He could almost fell the relief amongst the castaways as the dirt melted into the dried blood that still decorated Alex's face, covering it with undead wounds.

Hold on

Hold on to yourself

For this is gonna hurt like hell

The group parted more quickly than Jack would've expected after that, almost like they had suddenly inherited Kate's need for running. Rebecca put her arm around Sawyer as they walked back to their camp, Sawyer facing towards the ground, refusing to speak to those who glanced towards him. It seemed so odd, and Jack realized just then that it was because of seeing someone who cared about Sawyer so much. Things had really changed over their past months on the island.

Hold on

Hold on to yourself

You know that only time can tell

Kate waited until most of the crowd was gone before aproaching Jack, who was still knelt by the grave.

"You wanna stay?" She asked him.

Behind them Danielle was watching them in envy. Even Boone and Sayid, who still remained, knew how lucky Jack was to have someone to come to him like that..someone who cared.

Jack shook his head. After being with Alex all night, wanting to feel close to her death, Jack suddenly felt like he needed to be away. Kate helped him stand, and Danielle was still watching them as they left. Jack took one last look back at the grave before finally leaving it behind him, though he knew he had to come back later to fill the grave. At the time, Jack didn't realize that all he was doing was prolonging the whole process even more. Maybe that was why he left in the first place.

What is it in me that refuses to believe

This isn't easier than the real thing

Charlie sat beside Claire on the sand, offering to take Aaron. He remembered for the first time Claire suggesting naming her child Alex. Now he was glad she didn't. How bad would that've been.

My love

you know that you're my best friend.

You know that I'd do anything for you

Looking down at Aaron, Charlie thought back to when Alex did the psychic reading for him, and he began to wonder if she told the truth. He hoped he did. He must've looked upset at Claire's refusal for help, because Claire laughed a little just then, and finally placed Aaron carefully in his arms.

And my love

Let nothing come between us

My love for you is strong and true

Sawyer sat alone that evening on the shore, staring out to sea, letting the world revolve silently around him. He heard Rebecca approach before she took a seat next to him, and didn't have the energy to shoo her away.

Am I in heaven here or

Am I..

At the crossroads I am standing

Much further away Jack and Kate secluded themselves on the beach. Kate didn't notice, but Jack was well aware that they were sitting in the same place Alex sat for days after her arrival on the island. A banana sat in Kate's hand, but she made no move to eat it. Instead she offered it to Jack, who ignored her.

"You should eat," Kate suggested quietly, almost painfully. She looked at the ground as she spoke. "Because over the next few days you won't feel like it..and you need to."

"Don't tell me what I'll be going through," Jack shot, barely above a whisper.

Kate winced at the harshness of his voice, and would've given anything for the day Jack realized his resentment and begged for her forgiveness. She'd give it to him.

So now you're sleeping peaceful

I lie awake and pray

that you'll be strong tomorrow

and will see another day

and we will praise it

and love the light that brings a smile

across your face

Boone hid behind some trees as he kept a close eye on the hatch door. Locke hadn't come to the funeral. He didn't even have the nerve to show his face. Did Boone blame Locke for Shannon's death? He was starting to. At that moment Locke emerged from the door. As far as first impressions went, he didn't seem to feel guilty at all about not attending the funeral.

Oh god

If you're out there won't you hear me

I know we're never talked before

That night Jack and Kate stayed at the beach, neither having the mental or physical energy to go back to the caves- or face anyone. Not yet. They lay in the sand, and at least Jack did, pretending to be asleep. In reality he was wide awake, actually attempting to read Kate's mind. She was sitting up, not even bothering to pretend to be asleep. Her knees were drawn to her chest, arms laying over them carelessly. She stared out to sea, wishing so many things that she wanted to scream in frustration. And as he tried to read her mind, eyes wide open as he lay on the ground, Jack could've sworn he heard that scream.

And oh god

He man I love is leaving

Won't you take him when he comes to your door

She just wanted him to be okay. That was her main wish.

Am I in heaven here or

Am I in hell

At the crossroads I am standing

No one was at the grave-site last night. Jack had yet to come back to fill the graves, leaving the sickening smell of death to leak into the cool night's air. Danielle looked around one final time, making sure no one was there to witness this. She sat down carefully on the earth's floor next to the grave, and letting her sweater drape around her shoulders to protect her from the casual breeze, took her first look at her daughters dead body.

So now you're sleeping peaceful

I lie awake and pray

Sun was walking arose the beach when she noticed Sayid sitting alone on the shore. He looked the same as he did at the funeral, down to the same, distant, appearance. The only difference now was that he knew he was alone, and no one was there to witness a breakdown. But Sun had been there before, at the loss of her husband, and knew that deep down, all he wanted was for someone to be there for him. The hardest part for both Boone and Sayid was just that- the only person on the island who had ever been there for either of them at certain times was Shannon. And now she was gone. So when Sun sat down next to Sayid, it didn't strike her odd to see his eyes suddenly bounce back to reality, filled with stray tears held back for so long.

that you'll be strong tomorrow

and we will see another day

But having someone there also meant that in the morning, someone would remember the meltdown. Sayid looked down quickly at Sun's face of concern, but she already caught notice of the few teardrops that escaped despite his beliefs. She contemplated putting her arm around him for support, knowing he needed it, but she knew how risky it'd be, since he just lost the woman he loved. And since he barely knew her. But as Sayid looked down, desperately continuing to try and pull himself together and continually failing, Sun gently placed her arm around him. Surely in the morning, he'd understand, and maybe even be grateful.

and we will praise it

and love the light that brings a smile

across your face

Danielle crossed the beach that night, certain that no one would notice her leaving this late. She was planning on going back into the jungle, disappearing again. What did she have to stay for anyway?

But just then Jack and Kate turned around, and she and Jack met eyes. There were mends to heal, they both knew, and it'd take some time. It'd be hard, difficult, and painful; certainly not an experience to go through alone. And secretly, Danielle didn't want to play solitary. She wasn't quite ready either. But maybe, she decided, if she stayed a little longer..

Jack, on the other hand, was becoming terrified. The next few days would be hard, difficult, and painful. He didn't want to take it alone, but he felt so much guilt that he thought he should. But still, he didn't want to. All he ever wanted was for Kate to be there, and to be there for her as well.

Hold on

hold on to yourself

Kate turned him back towards the sea, forcing him away from his thoughts. But instead of seeing the endless escape he was so used to seeing in the endless waters, he saw nothing but a winding, inhumane path of unwanted pain, just waiting to be stepped upon. And the worse part was, Jack knew he had to take it, with or without the choice of Kate's help.

For this is gonna hurt like hell

Author's Note: I hope that chapter wasn't too weird. I know it was different, but things are definetly changing. Some of those decisions I've been talking about Alex's death motivating are about to show up. Things are gonna get even darker, and some friendships your used to seeing may be broken. But thanks so much for continuing to read, even though it may not be the most pleasant reading. You guys rock!

Coming up next, on "In the End":

Frustration will get the better of Boone. For everyone it's going to be a long path pain, heartache, and breakdowns. But, of course, there's always room for a moment or two of much needed fluff.

Thanks again!

October Sky