Sorry I dropped this fic for so long. I've had the beginning done for a while, and finally thought of how to end it today. Here is is- The Darkest Hour, how it REALLY happened.

You know, maybe.

"So, in conclusion," called Fireheart from the Highrock, "Bluey went nuts, the dogs are out having Marco Polo fun, I let Tigerstar escape- again- and Mistyfoot and Stonefur are our bestest friends."

There was quiet for a bit, and then Darkstripe meowed, "And we're supposed to let you be our leader?"

The cats below growled in disagreement, and Goldenflower hissed, "Dude. Don't go there."

Darkstripe shut up under the fierce stare of the queen, and Fireheart meowed cheerfully, "Right, then, I'm off to the Moonstone!"

&&&

Fireheart got his nine lives, and Bluestar gave him the new name of Firestar. "Spiffy, isn't it?" she meowed fondly.

Spottedleaf cleared her throat, and then all the StarClan cats scattered. Apparently they were afraid, and in their fear had momentarily forgotten that they were dead and nothing could hurt them. Bones appeared on the edge of the clearing.

"AWESOME!" yowled Firestar. "I WANT ONE!"

"Shut up," meowed Bluestar, who had appeared beside him. "Four will become two. Lion and tiger will meet in battle, and blood will rule the forest. Something like that, anyway."

"Four? Two?" mewed Firestar.

"Yes, you idiot! Can't you count?"

"Yeah!" meowed Firestar, hurt by this remark. "One plus one is two. One plus two is three. One plus three is...erm..."

Bluestar rolled her eyes.

&&&

So Firestar's leadership was off to a good start. The only trouble was Darkstripe, so Firestar approached him one evening to sort it out.

"Look, dude, you have to do something evil," meowed Firestar.

"Why?" asked Darkstripe.

Firestar sighed. "Because you don't like me. I'm the hero. Therefore, dude, you have to be evil. And I have to be justified in kicking you out of ThunderClan- and you need to do something evil for me to be able to do that."

"So," mewed Darkstripe, "You're saying that because I don't like you, and you're the hero, that makes me bad?"

"Yeah."

"And you want me to prove that by doing something sinister?"

"Pretty much."

"Oh, okay," meowed Darkstripe, and he went off to poison Sorrelkit.

&&&

Now Graystripe and Firestar were on a top secret spy mission, complete with walkie-talkies. They had also enlisted the help of Ravenpaw, who had been coming to visit them at that precise moment.

"How come you're all brave now?" asked Graystripe curiously of Ravenpaw. "I mean, you've gone through a total personality-makeover from Into the Wild."

Ravenpaw gave him a sly grin. "I'm not afraid of Tigerstar anymore."

"Why not?"

"Because..." Ravenpaw sniggered. "Because...the authors called him TIGERPAW! Isn't that hilarious? TIGERPAW!"

He had a hysterical laughing attack and ran around until he hit a tree. Graystripe and Firestar rolled their eyes as they carried him towards the TigerClan camp, where Tigerstar (Tigerpaw, thought Firestar evilly) was seated on a pile of bones, supervising the ripping up of a bunch of prey. Graystripe looked at it sadly. His stomach rumbled.

"Dude. Don't even think about it, over," Firestar warned via walkie-talkie.

"I wasn't, bro," Graystripe growled. "And why are you talking to me through the walkie-talkie when I'm right next to you?"

"Because it's awesome, over."

"I don't-"

"You're supposed to say 'over', over," Firestar informed him.

"Shut up, Firestar."

"You-"

"Over."

Then his eyes fell upon Tigerstar's prisoners, who had inexplicably been turned on by every one of their Clanmates. "MY KITS!" he screeched, so angry he forgot to say "over". "YOU'RE GOING DOWN, TIGERPAW!"

He started to launch himself at Tigerstar, but tripped over Ravenpaw and fell on the ground.

"Wow, I hope your kits didn't get your coordination, over," Firestar commented.

&&&

They sneaked down to retrieve Stormpaw and Featherpaw once Tigerstar and his posse was gone. They were, of course, delighted to see them. Mistyfoot was down there, too, and she came out with her eyes shining, wondering if this meant that Graystripe was finally going to return her secret crush.

He didn't.

Back at the camp, Tawnypaw was missing. Bramblepaw sadly came ambling up to Firestar. "I can't find her ANYWHERE!" he wailed. "She's GONE!"

"And it's all your fault!" Goldenflower hissed as she passed by.

"No it's not," Bramblepaw defended Firestar. "You did everything you could."

He surveyed Firestar. "Oh my StarClan," he meowed. "Did I just say that?"

"Yes," Firestar assured him.

"Noooo! They're trying to transform me, Firestar! I was all fierce and awesome in the last book, and now I'm a...suck up!"

Firestar looked at him cheerfully. "On the bright side, you're a lot like me now."

Bramblepaw screamed.

&&&

Firestar was depressed. RiverClan and ShadowClan were against him now...and StarClan hadn't told him what to do. He walked with his head down, and didn't notice the huge neon sign someone had put up at Sunningrocks.

Join with WindClan and make LionClan, you dolt.

"What do I do?" he cried. "Give me an answer!"

He thought he might see, in the sky, something that looked like two blue eyes rolling. What was that supposed to mean?

The Clan leader headed to the stream, and bent down to take a drink. When he looked at the water, however, his head had been replaced with a lion's head. It scared the crap out of him, and he jumped back, only to see Spottedleaf across the water.

"What are you doing here?"

"I thought you might want to, you know, hang out."

"But you're dead."

"Well, duh," Spottedleaf sighed, disgusted. She meowed, "Look into the stream."

Firestar did, and he saw the lion's head again. His eyes grew very wide, and Spottedleaf leaped forward excitedly. "Do you see?"

"Yes."

"What do you see, Firestar?"

"I see..."

"Yes...?"

"Look at me! Look at how awesome I am, Spottedleaf! I mean, I knew I was awesome- why else would I be all perfect and not make any mistakes and have everyone who doesn't like me be evil? Except Dustpelt, and he's going to lose all his kits. And Goldenflower right now, but she's going to become Longtail's seeing-eye dog-"

Spottedleaf rolled her eyes and hit him with a rock.

"Ow."

&&&

Back at camp, Firestar met up with Sandstorm. She pressed her muzzle against his in greeting, and they both purred.

"Want to come and...share my den with me?" asked Firestar.

Cinderpelt whistled, Dustpelt grumbled, Cloudtail went, "Way to go, Uncle Firestar!" and Graystripe, who had been walking by with Stormpaw and Featherpaw just then, leaped on top of them and pressed their faces into the dust.

"NO, CHILDREN!" he screamed. "SHIELD YOUR EYES!"

&&&

WindClan had been attacked, and there was a meeting to sort it out. As Cloudtail explained afterward:

"Well, everything was, you know, tense. And then there was this, like, huge fight, because Uncle Firestar and Old Man Tallstar wouldn't agree with Tigerstar and Leo. And then, out of NOWHERE, there came these cats. They were scary, man, I don't know when I'd ever been so scared. And he killed Tigerstar, totally proving that there was no StarClan, because I mean, like- he only had one life, right? It was awesome. And then I thought everyone would start cheering, but the little cat that killed him came forward. And he said we had three days, or he'd kill us. It reminded me of this movie this one time that Brightheart and I saw, and there was this little Twoleg kit, and she was all like, 'Seven-"

"Cloudtail, dear," mewed Brightheart as she came by.

"Yeah?"

"Please shut up."

&&&

So there was a battle. Firestar got to lead all the Clans, and he was scared, even though he kept muttering to himself, "I'm the hero, I can't die. I'm the hero, I can't die."

Only he did. Once. But he came back, and went to find Scourge, who got scared.

"YOU'RE A GHOST! HAUL TAIL!"

And Firestar killed him, and that was that.

"Thank LionClan it's all over," sighed Bluestar to Spottedleaf from StarClan. "I mean, now we can get on to more interesting heroes. Firey was getting a bit perfect and boring."

"Yeah," agreed Spottedleaf. "But he's hawt."

"Yeah," meowed Bluestar. "But you know who's hotter?"

They exchanged a glance, and then both squealed, "HAWKFROST!" at the same time.