"Happier" — Ed Sheeran
For Mel.
With my hands stuffed deep into the pockets of my jeans and my eyes trained to the gum-stained concrete, I walk slowly down 29th street desperately ignoring the prodding memories poking at my brain; how the last time I was here, her hand was attached to mine and we were happy.
Thunder rolls through the August sky. My eyes glance upwards, towards the dusty colored clouds, and I sigh. It looks like it's about to pour any second.
I scan my surroundings, willingly looking for a place to take cover, but my heart lurches at the sight I find instead: just outside of the corner bar, Haley's wrapped in a tight embrace with some guy. A guy who is not me. My feet freeze and I forget about the rain. All I can see is her. The tears come fast, blurring everything in my peripheral vision. Her smile is all I can focus on. It's wider than I remember. Or maybe I just never gave her a reason to be that happy.
Has it really been only a month that we've been apart? It feels longer. Colder. God only knows that last time I've been able to sleep. My apartment has been so much emptier; quite emblematic of my heart.
I stand in the summer rain now, watching as he makes her laugh. She has her arms wrapped around his and they walk into the bar. I can't tell if I actually hear the laugh in my ears or if it's simply a ghost of a memory. Either way, Haley is happy. And I know I should be happy that she's happy, but why the hell does it hurt so badly?
I don't remember the last time I was the reason she smiled. Or laughed. But I know I was the cause of her constant tears. Nobody has hurt her the way I did. And I tell myself, right here in the middle of the rain, that it's better this way. She's not hurting anymore— but I am. A crack in my heart ripples into shattering pain along my entire body. Every nerve, every bone, shakes until I nearly collapsed onto the pavement.
I trip slightly and take a second to collect my breath. I hurt her in a way nobody ever has, but I also love her in a way nobody ever can. She's my always. My forever. That won't change.
I try not to take it personally that she's already moving on. Clay and Chase tell me I will too, one day. I'll find happiness again, but if I do, it'll only be a sliver of the happy that Haley has made me.
The neon sign of the bar taunts me. Literally. Fluorescent yellow blinks harshly under the hard falling rain and I give myself no choice but run inside. It's a hole-in-the-wall type of place, a seedy college bar, but it's popular and I need a beer. I don't look anywhere but the bartender, silently demanding his attention. I skip pleasantries and request a pint. My nerves are on fire knowing that Haley is somewhere in here. It takes less than a minute before the bottle is drained.
I'm in the corner, hunched between dim lighting and the smell of cheap cigar smoke. Still, all I'm reminded of is Haley— how she claimed to hate beer but always drank from my bottle, saying it tasted better if my lips had touched it. I remember the nights we spent in similar bars, getting drunk with our friends until she'd slide her hands on my thighs and we found the first taxi back to our place. I remember it all— the good, the bad, the ugly.
I remember the last, fateful night; the yelling, the crying, the 'I wish we never met' and the 'we're done.'
The bottle beside me is empty but I wrap my lips around it and fish for the remaining last drops.
She's happier, I silently chant. But, God, I still need her.
I don't deserve her, my superego screams from my shoulder. The ID is louder, though and I agree with it; I'm only happy with Haley in my life. Damn, how much did I drink? I'm having a freakin' conversation with myself inside my head.
That's it, I decide and stand (wobble) up from the stool. I frantically wave over the bartender, this time asking for a pen and paper. He furrows his brow slightly but thankfully doesn't question it. Surely he's had weirder requests.
When he returns, I jot the words seeping from my brain, onto a scrap of a receipt
"Hey, man," I clear my throat when the bartender looks my way again. "Can you do me another favor?"
He wipes his wet hands onto a towel and shrugs.
I take it as an invitation to continue, "you see that girl over there?" I point towards Haley, who's still smiling in a booth with her date. "Can you make sure she gets this note?"
The guy sighs and I pull out my wallet, wading up a ten and throwing it onto the bar. "Please?"
"Sure, okay."
A short-lived grin pulls at my lips, "thanks."
My eyes follow him as he approaches Haley and I hastily throw my jacket over my shoulders, making a mad dash to the door. It's on my way out when I feel it; feel her gaze on my body and I turn, our gazes colliding in the process.
She smiles— happier than I've ever seen before. We trade grins and her eyes glance at the note again. I smile because she knew it was from me, and I didn't even have to write my name.
Baby, you look happier, you do. I knew one day you'd fall for someone new, but if he breaks your heart like lovers do, just know that I'll be waiting here for you.
Happier. I leave the bar feeling happier than I have in the past month.
