Zim Goes to Driver's ED

Author's Notes: Yes, time for another installment from my sick twisted mind. JSYAK, I did pass my Driver's ED class, and I will soon be joining some of you on the road (A scary thought, I know). So, be prepared mortals for the stupidity of A STUPID, INCOMPETENT ALIEN LEARNING TO OPERATE A DANGEROUS VEHICLE! And now the quote of the week…

"That's actually a good idea, if you actually think that's a good idea…"

-Abby

Chapter 2: Day 1

Early on Monday morning, a white van came screeching up to the Driver's Education facility. Many of the students who were already there and waiting to be let inside, turned their heads to watch as the vehicle made an impossibly tight turn at high speeds. The van came to a screeching halt at the front door of the school.

"Aha!" cheered Professor Membrane, the driver of the vehicle. "You said that we couldn't get here in less than five minutes, but I, PROFESSOR MEMBRANE, was able to show you that it was possible!"

Dib, still clinging to the passengers seat for good measure, responded shakily, "I knew that it was possible, Dad, but I what I meant was that it was unlikely we would get there on time if you actually obeyed traffic laws!"

Membrane chuckled. "Traffic laws," he said with a wave of dismissal. "When you're as experienced as me, you don't need to obey 'traffic laws'. Now, go learn the rules of the road!"

"Yes, Dad," Dib mumbled, stepping out of the van. Gaz joined him, after hopping out of the backseat. She was fifteen and her father believed it was time she furthered her driving education. She stood by her brother.

Membrane cranked the wheel of the van and pressed the accelerator, sending the van into a turning skid. He stopped the skid after doing a one-eighty. "Haha, you kids. Good luck, and… Gaz, make sure your brother doesn't do anything embarrassing." With that, he sped off.

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!" Dib demanded, but his father was already out of hearing range. "What's that supposed to mean?" he asked his sister, who had already tuned him out with her Gameslave 3. Dib sighed and looked up just in time to watch Zim narrowly escape getting run over by Membrane's van. "ZIM!"

The alien looked up from his position in the grass. "DIB-MONKEY!"

The two marched over to face each other. "What're you doing here, Zim?" Dib demanded.

Zim raised a brow. "Don't you remember? You challenged me? Saying it was inhuman for a normal worm-baby not to want to operate your inferior Earth automobile?"

Dib considered it. "Oh… yeah… You're right… But there's no way you're gonna pass, Zim."

"Oh, don't worry, Dib, I will pass, and when I pass this little 'Driver's test', I will be so amazing that-"

"Hey! Class is about to begin! Are either of you two freaks coming?" Mary asked.

Zim and Dib continued to glare at each other before coming to an unspoken truce, and the two entered the building. It was set up like a school, but on a much smaller scale, with three classrooms at best: one to the right, one to the left, and one at the end of the hallway. Zim and Dib both entered the room on the left. It was set up with twelve chairs on either side of the class room set in three columns of four. Both boys sat on the left side of the room on opposite sides of the room, as if they were in Skool. The other students filed in, trying to avoid sitting by the two boys. The students who were late had the misfortune of sitting by either Dib or Zim.

There was no bell to mark when the class started, just five old men who announced that it was time to begin. The youngest of the group was the first to speak. "Hello, classes," he greeted.

No response.

"Welcome to your first day of Driver's ED. I'm sure you all realize that this course will last for four weeks, and if you miss eight hours, or two days, then this course does not count."

Gasps and grumbling was heard.

"Now, my name is Mr. James," the young man finally introduced. "I will be your instructor on The Range. We will get to what that means later. To my left is Mr. Smith," he indicated to a small, graying man, "And to my far left is Mr. Dotson," he motioned to an older, white-haired man. "To my right is Mr. Samson," he continued, waving to a portly, red-headed man. "And finally, there's Mr. Gomery," he said, pointing to a bent old man. "They will be there to help you on the range, and in later weeks, they will be your instructors on the road. For now, you all will be driving on The Range, which is…"

Mr. James pulled down a map that showed the western parking lot, which had lines drawn on it to indicate small roadways, buildings, little driving exercises, and parallel parking. "Later, you will all be expected to drive on the range, and do the exercises. For now, all you will be doing is getting to know your vehicle. Okay, to my right," he indicated to the right side of the room. "You all will be driving on the range first, everyday."

Hoots and hollers were heard.

"I'll call out your number, and you will go to the front of the class and select your keys with the appropriate number. Next, you will get the magnets from the back of the room, go out, and place the numbers on both sides of your car. You will know what car you have by the number painted on the windshield in the upper part of the passenger's side. Then, you will get in, buckle up, adjust your mirrors and seats, start your car and roll down your windows. I will be watching you from the control tower, so in order to hear me over the intercom, you will need to have your windows down at all times.

"Now I want to remind you all that there is no speeding on the range. You will go no faster than 5 miles per hour."

The class moaned.

"Oh, and you are also not allowed to have your radio or air-conditioning on at any time on The Range… Now that that's said, I'll give you your numbers, oh, and since hardly anyone's here today, I'm going to wait until tomorrow to give you all your seating charts. If I go through everyone on this side," Mr. James indicated to the right, "and there are still some numbers left over, then there will be some people on the left driving. If I go through all the numbers and I start handing out numbers that have already been said, then that means you will have a passenger. You will have a passenger almost everyday until you start driving on the open road. Now, here we go. One: Melvin, two: Willy, three: Gretchen, four: Tae, five: Penny, six: Poonchy, seven: Keef, eight: Smolga, nine: Mary… Well, it would seem we've run out of people on this side of the room, so…" he moved over to the left side of the room. "Ten: Zim, eleven: The Letter M, twelve: Sara… and now the passengers one: Zita, two: Aki, three: Brian, four: Rob, five: Alex, six: Samichy, seven: Carl, eight: Smeedge, and nine: Dib. Go get your keys and head out to The Range."

The students slowly exited the class, gathering their magnets as they went, through a back door that led straight to the western parking lot. They found a variety of compact cars and two SUVs all lined up far away from each other, with the back bumpers touching a large traffic cone. Dib hopped into the passenger's side as Mary placed the magnets to the sides of the car. He watched and laughed as Zim equipped the magnets and also got in on the passenger's side. It took the Irken a minute, but he finally scooted over behind the steering wheel.

Zim examined the control panel of the vehicle and was frustrated to find that it wasn't touch activated like his Voot Cruiser. After a few minutes of pounding on the dashboard with little luck, he finally opened the car door and raised his hand.

"Send assistance to car ten," boomed the speakers set up around The Range.

Mr. Smith hobbled over. "Whaddya need?" he asked.

"How does one activate this vessel?" Zim inquired.

"Alright," Mr. Smith began, taking the keys from Zim. 'Gosh, we get one every year that's never even touched the wheel.' "Okay, ya take yer key and ya put it in the ignition and ya turn it like so," he instructed through example. The car started, causing Zim to squeak and shift uncomfortably in his seat.

Zim regained his composure as the teacher quickly showed him how to roll down the windows and adjust his mirrors. "Right, right," Zim mumbled. "Whatever, I got it."

Mr. Smith nodded and walked away.

Mr. James' voice came back on over the intercoms. "Alright, I can see now that it looks like all of you have managed to get your engines started, so we're gonna start by doing some simple driving exercises. First, place your right foot on the brake pedal and shift the car into drive, but be sure to keep your foot on the brake until I tell you otherwise."

Dib watched with a bored expression as Mary shifted the car and nervously gripped the wheel. He then looked beyond her at the sound of an engine revving loudly.

"Car number ten. Car number ten, that's your accelerator; we need you to press the brake pedal," the intercom instructed.

Dib laughed. "He's clueless."

The revving noises stopped. Dib looked over and saw Mr. Smith leaning into Zim's open window and was busy explaining the controls to him. After a moment, the teacher left and Zim's car began to inch forward.

"Car ten, I did not give you instructions yet. Place your foot back on the breaks."

Dib watched as the red compact car that Zim was driving, come to a quick halt.

"Okay, now I want all of you to drive forward, slowly, and touch the front bumper of your cars to the traffic cone in front of you," Mr. James instructed. "All cars may go."

All the cars began to move forward, some far slower than others, and went half of the parking lot's length to touch the front of their bumper to the cone in front of them.

"Car ten!" the intercom yelled.

Dib looked around. "What's he doin' now?"

"Car ten, you should not be steering so much. Try to keep your vehicle straight! Car ten! STOP CAR TEN!"

Zim came to a halt, already ten feet to the left from his designated cone. All others had already cautiously made their way up to it and carefully bumped it before coming to a halt.

"Now, I want all of you, keeping your foot on the brakes to shift into reverse and to slowly back up until you touch your back bumper to the cone you started from. Remember to tap your horn whenever you are going to back up on The Range, just in case someone is out of their car picking up a traffic cone. I want all of you to tap your horns. Car ten, I want you to try to even your car up and get close to where you started. Don't forget to look over your fight shoulder, while keeping your left hand on the steering wheel when you reverse… All cars may go."

There was a series of honking noises as students slowly began to back up, some still slower than others.

"Car ten. Car ten, you going the other way. Turn your steering wheel the other way. Car ten? Car ten, stop the car immediately."

Dib heard the sound of a vehicle revving loudly and watched as car ten sped past right in front of him in reverse. Zim ended up driving his vehicle straight into one of the metal poles that made up the miniature intersection and would soon support a traffic light.

"Stupid, inferior, stink-meat technology," Zim cursed, pounding on the steering wheel, just in time for the airbag to deploy.

(End Chapter)

Author's Notes: Is it just me, or is that a fairly long chapter? Seriously, though, on my first day (I wasn't there to see it but) someone really did drive their car into the traffic signal's pole. I have no idea how, because all we were doing was forward and reverse, so that's pretty sad. Don't worry; this isn't the end of the Driver's ED goodness. Trust me when I say that there is more stupidity to come (And most of which are based on real life experiences) XD. Now to thank those of you who reviewed…

The Sole Survivor: Yes, I figure that Zim is so used to his advanced technology, that opperating our puny, human machinery will be a challenge for him. Plus, keep in mind that this story is based on REAL events that I witnessed.

Rowena L.: Ah, yes. And this is only the BEGINNING of the doom that awaits, and keep in mind that this story is based on REAL events that I witnessed.

I'm too lazy to log in: Sorry if you feel that I stole your idea. I'm mostly writing this to vent all the horrible things that happened during my real Driver's ED course. Oh, and by all means please post your story, if you want. I won't be offended. I'll probably end up reading it.

shany94a: I'm glad you think it's so well written, but I wouldn't count on GIR making too many appearances. Zim's trying to prove his normality, and I don't think that allowing his little, green doggy drive would help that much, but I'll try to give him a few appearances.

Wack'd: Lurv your name. 'Kay, no romance. I'm glad you think so highly of this fic.

Maharentina: GASP! ZIMMY!Okay. Okay. Here's your update, just don't hurt him... (POKE) LURB!