Zim Goes to Driver's ED
Author's Notes: Greetings, once again, puny humans. Your reviews… they please me so. (Wipes a tear away) They make me feel so important… Now, some of you commented that this fic scared you away from Driver's ED, but that was not my intention when I began writing this fic. The point of Driver's ED is to familiarize you with your vehicle, and you also pick up on what types of drivers you're going to be dealing with out on the road. It really is a shame that stupidity isn't a crime… I'm going to petition that we send all the idiots to the moon, so the stupidity radiating off of it will pull at Earth's tides. Now, for me to begin the doom….
"Zim is a sexy beast that should be worshiped for all eternity. Now, filthy humans, get down on your hands and knees and praise the one, the only, the almighty ZIM!"
-My freakishly obsessed cousin
Chapter 3: Day 2
Dib listened to the sound of his father's van take off away from the building. The sound was soon followed by the commotion of a large number of cars being run off the road, but neither of the Membrane kids seemed to care. It was still a bit early, and the teachers refused to open the doors until it was seven thirty on the dot, so all of the students we waiting outside, enjoying the early morning chill. Dib pulled his trench coat tighter around himself and made a small squeal of delight that earned him a sharp jab in the shoulder from Torque. Rubbing his upper arm, Dib's eyes landed on Zim, sitting by the curb.
The alien still had a few bruises on his face from the airbag. After the crash, Mr. Samson had advised Zim to get some medical attention, despite the low-speed collision. Zim had then insisted that he was fine and had no need to visit a "filthy Earth physician". Instead, he called his "parents" to come pick him up. Dib was amused when Zim's little robot dog showed up to take him home. By then Dib and the rest of the students had to go inside, so he didn't get a chance to laugh at how badly disguised Zim's ship was.
"So, Zim, come back for another pummeling?" Dib asked smugly.
The alien invader's head snapped up to look at him. "Nonsense! Yesterday was just a warm up, but today, I, the almighty ZIIIIM, shall make mockery of your puny driver skills!"
"Fat chance, alien! You'll just end up crashing again!"
"Silence! Zim shall not crash another auto-car! So there," Zim said, displaying his maturity by sticking his tongue out at the human.
"Oh, yeah? Well, we'll just see about that, won't we?"
"Hey!"
Zim and Dib whipped around to find that most of the children had already gone in the building. Only Zita and Tae remained, and they appeared to be waiting on them.
"Sheesh," Zita said to Tae. "They always stay out later than everyone else. Why do they like to talk to each other so much?"
Tae shrugged, "I donno. Maybe they're gay."
Zita smiled and nodded as she allowed the odd pair to enter. Zim and Dib continued to glare at each other as they took their seats in the classroom. All the teachers then entered the class.
Mr. James surveyed the class. "Well, enjoy your last day of selecting your own seats, because tomorrow, you're all going to get a seating chart."
The class moaned.
Mr. James continued. "Everyone but Zim, please go select the keys for the same car you had yesterday. Don't forget your magnets an-"
"WAIT!"
"Yes, Zim?"
"Why am I not permitted to drive; tell me now," Zim demanded.
"Due to your incident yesterday, we felt it was necessary to give you one more days rest from driving. You can drive tomorrow, Zim, but for now, please report to Mr. Reigncourt's class."
"Reigncourt?" Zim inquired, raising a brow.
"Yes, since you left early yesterday, you didn't get to meet him. You need to go to his class, which is just down the hall, and get your written assignment," Mr. James explained.
"Written assignment? What purpose does such a thing have as far as teaching one to drive?"
"It teaches you how to operate the car."
"Nonsense! Zim already knows how to drive!" the alien boasted.
"Oh, yeah, and you really proved that yesterday," Dib commented sarcastically, just loud enough so Zim and half the class could hear. Laughter soon erupted.
"SILENCE!" Zim shrieked. "I will do my bookwork, and it will put all of your puny human assignments to shame!" Zim then stood up and left the classroom.
"What an idiot," Dib commented as he got up and followed Mary as she picked up the magnets for the car.
"Yeah," Mary nodded. "He sure is."
"He's an alien, too."
She glared at Dib. "You're crazy."
(Page Break)
After being out on The Range for two hours, Dib was a little relieved to go back into the building and out of the summer's heat. 'Being confined in a car without air-conditioning should be against the law,' Dib thought. Not only was being on The Range hot, but it was also boring. Today, they practiced making left turns while maintaining a two-car space cushion between them and the car in front of them. It was basically a boring game of follow the leader, with Mr. Gomery in the lead car. It was nice to just lay face-down on the cool desk.
"Alright, switch!" Mr. James announced as he opened the door to the hallway. Dib, along with the others, filed out and crossed over to the classroom across the hall. It was the simulator room, which had within it: one projector positioned at the back of the classroom, roughly twenty simulators all facing the front of the room, and a giant screen at the very front of the class. Twelve chairs were positioned between the simulators and the screen. All the chairs faced a chalkboard positioned against the left wall of the classroom. Zim sat in the front row.
"ZIM!"
"DIB-BEAST!"
"SHUT UP!" Zita yelled, and then to Torque said, "They're crazy."
Zim and Dib maintained glaring at each other until the human had no choice to sit down. Luckily, Samichy sat between them. The teacher, a rather portly man, named Mr. Furgus came in, stood by the chalkboard, and underlined his name.
The teacher cleared his throat. "My name is Mr. Furgus, as I said before, and like I said yesterday, this is probably going to be the most boring class you will have. I know that I told you that we would be getting the simulators fixed, but unfortunately, that will not be happening this summer. So for today, you will all get to sit at your simulators and pretend to drive. And I will not tolerate sleeping or talking. Please take your seats; you won't be assigned to one."
The students stood up and began filling up the simulators that were closest to the front of the class, and furthest from the teacher. Dib took the simulator directly behind Zim so he could keep an eye on the alien's activities. The lights went out, and the projector was turned on.
An ancient film from the seventies began to play. "Hello," the narrator began. "And welcome to the American Driving Directional video."
"Also know as the ADD video," Dib mumbled under his breath.
"Today, we will be taking you through different driving scenarios, helping you to use the IPDE process. First, lets go over the principals of IPDE, which stands for Identify, Predict, Decide, and Execute."
Dib sighed and leaned back in his simulator's chair; at least that was comfortable. He listened vaguely to the video as it droned on and on about how to predict what to do in a driving situation.
"Now, let's begin the simulation," the narrator announced. The screen switched over to behind the wheel of a seventies car. "Go through your pre-driving check list… Now, start the car. Don't forget to release the parking brake."
Zim searched his simulator frantically before thrusting his hand up in the air.
Dib rolled his eyes. "Zim, it's the petal on your far left."
The Irken dropped his hand. "Yes, yes! Of course it is! I was just testing you!"
Dib rolled his eyes.
"Yes! I was testing to see if you knew where the parking break was, and…. uh… you pass! Filthy Human!"
"Zim! Shut up, you're loud and annoying!" Zita yelled.
Grudgingly, Zim shuffled back down into his seat and took the wheel.
THUNK
Zim shrunk down in his seat as all eyes turned to face him. He cursed at the parking brake in his native tongue.
"Freak."
The alien ignored the comment as he randomly turned the steering wheel, trying to act normal.
(Page Break)
Dib closed the textbook with a sigh. They were now in Mr. Reigncourt's room, reading another chapter in their driver's manuals. There were very few things in the world more boring than that. The chapter was all about alcohol and medications and how they affect your ability to drive.
Zim's hand shot up in the air.
"Yes, Zim?" Mr. Reigncourt called.
"Your class… it's BORING!"
"Yes."
"Does it have to be?"
"… Yes."
Zim face planted into his desk with a sigh.
"Now, class, we're going to watch a video called "The Right Way". I know you'll all like it, 'cause it was the same video that I watched back when I took Driver's ED," Mr. Reigncourt informed as he set up the projector.
The class moaned as a very fifties theme song began to play, while showing images of traffic signs and old cars. The teacher turned off most of the lights, but not all of them, like the class pleaded him to.
"Are you guys nuts?" Mr. Reigncourt asked. "I know better than to leave a bunch of adolescents alone in the dark."
"I guess that rules out me sleeping," Dib mumbled as he watched the video.
The movie was a very poor version of "Saturday Night Live", with little skits preformed, that had something to do with driving (they also involved very pathetic attempts at comedy) and were then followed by an informational segment on how the skit relates to you. Today, it was about the different types of drivers you will encounter on the road.
"First," the video informed, "is the 'Mad Dog' driver. This type of driver is noisy, impatient, quick to use his horn, and does not always use common on-the-road courtesy."
"That is ZIM! Zim is the 'Mad Frog' driver!" the alien informed the class. "Who can stand waiting on you pathetic humans! Make way for the superior ZIM!"
"ZIM! Please get off of your desk and watch the movie," Mr. Reigncourt asked.
The little alien sulked and hopped off of the desk.
"Moron," Dib mumbled to himself.
(Page Break)
It was now the one and only break that they had for the day; afterwards, all the students would be expected to return to their class for the remaining hour before being dismissed to their parents. They were also allowed to have candy and soda, as long as they remembered to throw their trash away. Dib, soda in hand, walked outside to get some fresh air. Other students were already out there, mingling, but there was no sign of Zim.
Dib took a sip of his soda and was surprised when it was pushed up into his face and got splashed all over him. He whipped around and found Zim looming over him smugly.
"VICTORY!"
"What victory? All you did was make me sticky," Dib sulked, as he examined his pop-covered shirt and jacket.
Zim smirked, and grabbed Dib by his temporarily exposed undergarments and pulled it up as far as it would go. Dib whined in agony at the pain he was in.
"Wedgie… hurt… so… bad…"
Zim dropped the garment and ran. As soon as he was well enough, Dib followed. The two ran around the perimeter of the building. After a minute, Zim looked over his shoulder and found that Dib had stopped chasing him.
The alien threw his arms up into the air, "VICTORY FOR ZI-" and was promptly struck by a car.
Dib stood at the curb, watching as Zim was hit. "Running our in the middle of the street and just standing there… That's just dumb."
(End Chapter)
Author's Notes: Yay, it's over. Oy, I had some horrible writer's block on this chapter. Please excuse me if you happen to find this chapter as insanely boring as I do. I think I'm just gonna skip a week in the story and get straight to the good part. JSYK, all this information is true. You WILL have to learn about IPDE and that other crap, so this story is (dun Dun DUN!) semi-educational. See ya all in two weeks! Now, for the extremely short list of thank yous…
Dying Rose on The Vine: I like your name. Don't worry, your secrets are safe with me, but really, who thinks that? I'll never understand humans. I'm glad that you can relate to this story. Don't worry, the next update will be funnier.
wallflower-chan: Oooh, sorry. It wasn't my intent to scare you away from Driver's ED. I actually recommend going. It wasn't THAT bad, and all you have to do to pass is show up, LITERALLY! And I think you'd like it. Don't lose hope!
Still too Lazy: I'm glad that you liked the last chapter, 'cause that's pretty much what Driver's ED is like. Oy, stupid humans. Oh, and I REALLY want to read your story. Give me the name of it when ya ever get around ta writing it.
Abby: Lub ya lots! Thankies for reading it. Driver's Ed HELL!
