Kyle and Stan could hear the shrieking voice of a young man two blocks away from Shakey's. It was the kind of shrieking that was omniscient, and almost biblical sounding, as if conjuring fire and brimstone.
Then they decided that they really did not want to know, after all, and would have turned around and walked away, had it not been for the fact that Tweek and Craig were inconveniently airing out their dirty laundry in public directly behind them, making that area virtually impassable, and because both knew that being within a five foot radius of Tweek and Craig during one of their break-ups would result in them getting dragged into the midst of it, they decided that they would rather be involved in fire and brimstone because the misadventure probability rating was more in favour of what was ahead of them. New experiences over the old. Almost symbolic.
And so it was that they begrudgingly headed towards Shakey's as Craig's voice faded into the distance,
"You leave Stripes out of this!"
Followed by Tweek's.
"AHHH…I want out! I want out! The pressure!"
They almost missed Shakey's altogether, because when they arrived, all that remained was a single booth among a pile of smoldering debris and corpses, where Kenny and Bébé were being berated by an angry adolescent, who could have been one of the Goth kids, only somehow Kyle and Stan had the idea that they would have seen him a little too…enthused for their standards, assuming of course that one was allowed standards if one was a faggy Goth kid, oh, sorry, non-conformist. In any case, the dark haired young man was waving a wooden plank threateningly around, as his tears and eyeliner ran down his face. Kenny sat in the booth, holding hands with Bébé, and trying to ignore it as best he could, while Bébé happily sipped at one of the two straws of the chocolate milkshake that sat on the table.
"I can't believe you, Kenneth McCormick! You ripped out my heart! You ripped out my heart and fed it to rabid ducks!" The distraught youth screamed. Kenny looked as though he very much would have liked to not dignify this with a response, but after a moment of considering it, he apparently decided that he had something he would like to say more.
"Ok, first of all," Kenny addressed the boy, "That statement needs to be reversed. You ripped out my heart and fed it to rabid ducks. And I should know; that is not only a sick way to die, but that is a traumatizing image to have as the last look at the world before you depart. It never goes away, man! And I still have the scar."
"And what's second of all?" The boy asked, temporarily pausing in his rancor.
Kenny stared at him for a very long moment, before asking him to elaborate.
"You said first of all. When you say first of all, you have to have a statement or two to follow up with. It's the introduction to a list." The boy explained.
"You know, we could always try a threesome, if that would make you happy. There is this neat trick with whips I've been dying to try out." Bébé suddenly mused, arching an eyebrow at the boy suggestively. Although Stan and Kyle had decided, for the sake of their sanities, that she was most likely joking, Kenny looked a little too enthusiastic for the boy's liking, evidently, based on how he calmly informed Kenny that Bébé was a filthy harlot and he only had Kenny's best interests and moral well being at heart, and then took a swing at Kenny with the wooden plank. Luckily, Kenny and Bébé ducked just in time. Or his aim was just that sucky. Or both.
It should be noted that he had evidently overlooked Kenny's other generally demoralizing habits, such as his progression toward chain smoker status, shop lifting, cutting class for the hell of it (usually resulting in hot wiring a random vehicle), and other such delinquency.
This suddenly became the essence of irritation to Bébé, and she stood up and advanced upon the boy, her hands on her shapely hips and her fight-face on.
"Back off and leave Kenny alone! Who do you think you are, coming in…er, coming here and trying to kill someone because they aren't living their life how you want them to? Prince of Darkness or no, don't you dare kill my Kenny, you bastard! Go on! Shoo!" She said, even affecting the appropriate hand gesture. The boy suddenly looked very helpless and whimpered, just before he dropped the wooden plank and scurried off, his lower lip trembling. It was as if one minute he had been there, and the next he wasn't. Simple as that. Within that instant, the Shakey's was restored.
"Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here." Stan said when he and Kyle begrudgingly, and not really sure why because after witnessing that they definitely did not want to know, approached the booth.
"Oh. Hi guys!" Bébé said brightly, returning to her milkshake, as though it were a very normal thing to face off against a crazed Bauhaus fan boy, who just happened to be the son of Satan, and was apparently trying to kill her boyfriend because of a seeming bizarre and frightening crush. Then again, this was probably very normal and expected when you were dating Kenny. Then again, this was very normal and expected when you lived in South Park, Colorado. Kenny was gazing at her with a shiny-eyed look of reinforced admiration and respect.
"What the hell was that?" Stan asked, making rather ridiculous looking gesture to the thin air.
"My baby verbally bitch-smacked the Spawn of Satan! I get a hot, nymphomaniac kick-ass girlfriend and phenomenal sex! God lets me win at life once in a while, after all! Woohoo!" Kenny exclaimed, at least that was what they assumed he was exclaiming, because the parka was tightened as much as it could be, as was his custom whenever he felt threatened.
"Thank you, sweetie." Bébé giggled and kissed him about where the tip of his nose would be if it weren't obscured by the parka.
That was why Kyle and Stan generally didn't hang around with Bébé and Kenny that much, and were thus in the dark about the recent happenings and apparent turmoil in Kenny's life. They were generally kick-ass, spirit-lifting people, and as a couple they still maintained this, but apparently in addition to being "That couple who has all the really hot, totally orgasmic sex all the time, and as if you totally didn't know already, go around boasting about it with absolutely no TMI filter" they had won over the title of "That couple who are impossibly sweet and nice and loving and call each other stupid, cavity inducing names, such as My Little Low Calorie Artificial Sweetener and My Sweet, Pulp Free Orange Juice, and feed each other or at least try to because Kenny's hood gets in the way sometimes", no contest. Then again, in the back of their minds Stan and Kyle knew that they could easily beat them if they tried, but because it was disgusting enough watching them, they decided to be kind to humanity although they knew humanity really didn't deserve that much kindness, and not compete. So basically, they were so totally jealous of Kenny and Bébé's ability to put that on public display that it burned.
"So, let me try to piece this together," Kyle said, using his ultra smart powers as he and Stan slid into the side of the booth opposite Bébé and Kenny, "Damien has a thing for Kenny, and is trying to drag him back to Hell to stay with him, and is now especially determined after having caught word of you two?"
Kenny didn't even need a nanosecond to confirm this. And insist that it really wasn't funny in the least. Apparently. Although Bébé seemed to think the part about Damien having a thing for her boyfriend was pretty funny, the rest was a somewhat comical set back so long as it was merely stated, and not acted upon.
"So, what do you need us for, anyway?" Stan implored.
Kenny sighed, and drummed his fingers on the table. He'd just been temporarily uplifted from a funk, only to have to enter a new one. Kenny loosened the drawstring of his parka, and slowly slid it from his face, signaling that he waned to make sure that what he had to say was completely understood.
"I don't suppose either of you have bothered to confirm to your parents the rumor that Super Best Friends enjoy doing the sideways Mambo together as frequently as possible?" he said.
In response, Stan and Kyle shifted round awkwardly, muttering a string of broken excuses, explanations, and four "dude"'s.
"That's a 'no'." Bébé chirped.
"Ah," Kenny said, and continued to drum his fingers on the table, "Because, well, I'm not sure, but Cartman's convinced that breaking you two up will get him his twenty dollars back from Wendy. And he figures, while Wendy is in Tibet doing that study-abroad shit for the summer, he'll have just enough time to ensure that one of you has a restraining order against the other, whether its by your own will or someone else's."
Stan and Kyle took this information in. They didn't even need to question it; after the Scott Tenorman incident, they were well aware of the lengths that Cartman was willing to go for money, and vindication for losing it. It just so happened that Wendy was planning a trip to Tibet for the entire summer, leaving once the school year was over, giving Cartman just enough time to perform his diabolical plot and cover his tracks so it didn't look suspicious to her. Although one wouldn't guess it based on outward appearance, Cartman cared very much about his girlfriend, and her opinion of him. It was just that this was not a hindrance to his character in the least, so if there was a way that he could extract vengeance and preserve his relationship with Wendy he would do it without a second thought.
"We need to flee the country." Kyle said decisively.
"Isn't that a bit extreme…wait, no, never mind, this is Cartman we're dealing with. Here, this should help a bit…" Bébé said, and then grabbed her purse and started digging around until she pulled out a three hundred and one dollar bill. It should be noted that it was, indeed, a three hundred and one dollar bill; not three one hundred dollar bills and some loose change, and not three one hundred dollar bills and a one dollar bill. Bébé was, indeed giving them a three hundred and one dollar bill. Let's see how many more times we can say dollar bill in a paragraph…wait, lets not.
"Bébé, where did you get that?" Kenny asked in awe, gazing at it as if it were the holy grail of all money, which, given the situation, it most likely was.
"Oh. Well, when my boobs first started coming in, I was trying to get breast reduction surgery with two hundred and twelve dollars and nickels and a gold bracelet. It didn't work, the doctor was a chauvinist pig, but I wound up selling the bracelet anyway and got a three hundred and one dollar bill, and spent the other two hundred and twelve dollars and nickels on caramel apples." Bébé explained, although only part of this was actually relevant.
"…And I am so, so glad that doctor was a chauvinist pig. I should thank him someday." Kenny mused. Bébé smacked him playfully and giggled, while Stan and Kyle gave each other incredulous side-long glances, and Kyle pocketed the bill. Insert joke about Jews hoarding money here.
Authors Note: Yeah, I know, people are gonna hate me. But, dude, seriously? I kind of see Damien as a needy, desperate to please kid. Yeah, he has his bad ass moments, but he's still kind of a wuss! If you don't like my portrayal of him, well, ok! Cool! I admit, I probably over exaggerated and maybe stretched him a little too far. Its called humor. Google it.
Oh, and Bauhaus rules, and so does Bébé; two things that can never, ever be disproved.
