Bébé grinned at the anti-Christ as he continued to struggle.
"Ooh, I've caught me an anti-Christ! What should I do with him now?" She sang gleefully.
"You keep a fire-proof net in your room? What kind of sick freak are you?" Damien yelled.
"Hey, it's for when Kenny comes over. You have no idea how much it spoils the mood when a psycho, axe-wielding, fire-breathing murderer from Timbuktu breaks in and tries to kill your boyfriend in the middle of foreplay or sex! And succeeds! Six times, dude!" She said, and then went back to filing her nails.
"Well, of course I wouldn't know. Bitch." Damien said.
"You know Damien, killing me won't win you any points with Kenny. If anything, he'll just hate you for it. Besides, it's not like we won't still rendezvous if I wind up dead."
Damien's lower lip trembled again. He had promised himself that he wasn't going to cry this time, and she wasn't even being mean about it really. She was just being honest, which made it all the more worse, because he knew that she was right. He told her this, sullenly, and then quoted some emo song lyric, which, as most emo songs do, was completely irrelevant and made absolutely no sense.
Bébé glanced at him with sympathy for a moment.
"Actually, I was hoping we could talk. What if I did something for you? What if I set you up with someone?" She suggested.
Damien brightened for a moment, but promptly resigned himself again.
"There's no one else like him!" He said, and wilted. Bébé giggled a little, but covered it up with a sudden coughing fit.
"Actually, I do have one guy in mind, and from what I've judged, you have a thing for indestructible blonde guys who have remarkably sucky, yet somehow cruelly amusing, things happen to them."
"…I'm listening…"
"So, what you're saying is that you want me to go out on a romantic date with Damien, hopefully resulting in a long, happy relationship?" Pip asked.
Bébé stared at him.
"Nooo, I haven't said anything yet. I just got here. But, please?" She said. Pip looked up at her, and smiled charmingly.
"No."
"No? Aw, come on, Pip! I said please! When did you go and grow a back bone?" Bébé barked to the British boy in a voice that, had it been any other town, would have gotten her kicked out of the library for sure.
"I'm terribly sorry, Bébé," He replied, although he really didn't look sorry at all, not that Bébé could really blame him, "But you know that I have a girlfriend."
"You mean Estella? The girl who came to visit you last year just to inform you of how plebian and worthless you are to her? Along with some rather insulting remarks about your genitalia? And then went and hit on Stan just to make you angry, and wound up getting bitch smacked by Kyle? You deserve better than that, Pip!" Bébé said, trying desperately to keep a straight face. Really, it had been quite amusing.
"…You, who made a game out of trying to spit in my eye through out elementary school, do realize that you are presenting me with Damien, who the one time I hung out with turned me into a fire cracker in order to become popular, as my alternative?" He responded.
"Yes, but," Bébé began, desperately wracking her brain for Damien's redeeming qualities, until she thought up a quick fib, "He was young! How do you think he was supposed to cope with his burning passion for you? It's the British thing. You totally work it."
Pip drummed his fingers rhythmically on the table for a long time.
"If I do this for you, hypothetically speaking of course, what's in it for me?" He asked, haltingly.
"Well, if you play your cards right, you could wind up co-ruling hell."
Pip then jumped up on the table and did a little jig, while crying a series of stereotypically British exclamations of joy. Bébé, enjoying the fruition of her planning, was very glad to have proof that it always was the nice ones who spazzed at the promise of absolute power.
And, because of the way things work in South Park, Pip's celebratory moment was spoiled when the librarian drop-kicked him out of a window to make him shut up.
Later that evening, Pip arrived at Bébé's house, carrying a bouquet of roses and a heart-shaped box of chocolate. Bébé presented him with Damien, who she had taken it upon herself to clothe in a decent polo shirt, get rid of all the crappy eyeliner that he had taken to smearing all over his eyelids, and slick back his hair. He was biting his lower lip and glowering, but almost burst into tears of joy when he accepted Pip's gifts, although Bébé was very well aware that they were actually supposed to be peace offerings. Once they had departed for a cheesy, candlelit dinner, she beamed and went to fetch another ice-pack for her left cheek; Damien may have been a total wussy emo kid in girl pants, but he could bitch smack a ho into last week when his eye make-up was threatened…although that isn't really much of a testament to his masculinity, actually.
Author's Note:
DOUBLE POST FOR THE WIN FOOL. Although I cheated, because these two chapters are basically just all dialogue, which I hate, but whatcha gonna do, huh?
Next chapter, I am much happier to work on, because we get to pick back up on the CartmanxWendy subplot, which makes me very happy because as much as I totally love the pairing, its harder for me to write them. But I have some very good ideas. Although all of my ideas tend to be "no good, very bad, terrible, horrible" ideas.
In other news, I made a really stupid two page South Park fancomic, based on music from Avenue Q. Check it. Its pretty half-assed and poorly drawn, but I had fun making it.
Page One: http/ Two: http/
