A/N: Essentially, this is a fic about my humor as Lorelai. This does not represent Lorelai, it is the author (as there are some references and knowledge of the future which the real Lorelai would not know).

SCENE 1

"Look at this place. Look at the people!"

Lorelai crossed the street, almost twirling around to capture all of the beauty, and a car jammed to a halt and Lorelai buckled and held her shaking hand against the bonnet.

"Oh-ho, you be careful there," Lorelai waggled her finger, "You're very naughty - naught-ee… "

Wiping the sweat off her brow as she crossed the street, placing a sweaty hand to the doorknob to Luke's diner, did Lorelai open the door and the bell jangled.

"Oh, I love tables," Lorelai sat at the unoccupied one nearest the door, taking her coat off. "I just love… "

Lorelai glanced over to Luke, pouring coffee. She took her cup and stood by the counter while Luke eyed her with suspicion.

"Coffee, coffee, coffee! Ha-ha!" Lorelai smiled.

"What one are you on now? Third?" Luke glanced.

"Fifth or sixth, ha-ha," Lorelai smiled and Luke frowned. "You know I do like coffee, it's a special preoccupation of mine, ha-ha!"

Luke poured her to the brim and turned away. Lorelai was shaking as she sat down at the chair.

"It's only coffee nerves," Lorelai muttered, sipping the black liquid, "Oh, that's good - "

The guy sauntered off his bar stool, "You make that look really good."

"It fuels my stomach," Lorelai glanced up, beaming. "Do you want a taste?"

"Uh," the guy chuckled.

"Mine probably has backwash, ha-ha," Lorelai chuckled and the guy blanched, "I mean, you know. Safe backwash. Not mouth backwash, ah-ha."

"Yeah… " the guy glanced around, "I've never been through here before - "

"Me too," Lorelai smiled, "I mean, I live here. I'm a resident. I'm a bill pay-er."

The guy frowned for a moment. "You mind if I sit down?"

"Well that's awfully forward of you, ha-ha, but - " Lorelai watched him take a seat from the next chair.

The guy gestured, "I'm Joey."

"Like Tribbiani?" Lorelai lit up. "Ohh my gawd. No, like Joey Rattata?"

Joey frowned. "What?"

"Joey Rattata, Johto friend," Lorelai shrugged, "No?"

"Uh," Joey scratched his head, "What's your name?"

"Right what it says on the nametag," Lorelai pointed, "Well, I'm not wearing one now. I'm usually employed but very well employed. I live and work at a hotel except one of those is wrong, ha-ha."

The guy was silent.

"I am supposed to be meeting someone," Lorelai checked her watch, then showed him, "See? Scab to a freckle, ah-ha. It's just like in the movies."

The guy screwed up his nose. "I should be going… "

"Like Superman, vada-voom, you know how they say in the stories."

"What stories?"

"Ba-zing!"

Lorelai thrust her hand out how Superman would fly, and knocked her cup of coffee over. Joey jumped back, Luke came forward with a rag, and eyed Lorelai.

"You know it's not me," Lorelai shrugged, her hands outstretched, "Mama mia, show pity on me!"

"You need a rest," Luke sighed, swapping glances with Joey, "Preferably in a coffin."

"I'd be cof-fing too much, they might stop the burial, ha-ha," Lorelai glanced up.

Luke shouted over his shoulder, "There's always cremation!"

"I hate fire, it's very hot," Lorelai shrugged and sniffed, turning to Joey, "Where were we?"

"I was - " Joey pointed to the bar, and got up to join his friend on the stool.

"Well, can't say I didn't try, ha-ha," Lorelai shrugged, "Of course it's not my personality that turns them off. Someone said that, who? Ha-ha."

The door jingled, and Rory walked in.

"Oh, Rory! You are my daughter," Lorelai half-stood, ushered Rory to sit down, who sat bemused as her mother sat down as well, "It's good to see you. You know, I had you on a dark moon - well, I am your mother. Mothers have babies, that's a thing."

Rory stared. "Um, are you on pills?"

"I haven't taken any recently that I'm aware of," Lorelai shrugged, "Maybe I was fed them. Maybe I grew up in a kennel."

"Mom, eyes on me," Rory gestured, then took off her backpack, "Man, it's freezing out there."

"You should try a lollipop," said Lorelai.

Rory stared. "Why?"

Lorelai shrugged. "In cold weather, your tongue sticks to them. Or to parking meters."

"You're suggesting I lick parking meters?"

"I mean - " Lorelai paused, "Well, you're too young for that joke or any other. You're my special child and you know. Just don't eat the paste."

Rory raised her eyebrows, "I don't plan on it. Do you have lip gloss?"

"Are you implying that I need some? Are you saying your beautiful mother needs lip gloss to tarnish her already perfect beauty?"

"Um, no," Rory glanced around, "What is with you today?"

"Ah-ha, I'm just joshin', ha-ha," Lorelai dug in her handbag, "I have these, um, ones."

"Is there lip gloss in there?" Rory glanced.

"Well, I dunno," Lorelai shrugged, "You could always check."

"Don't you know? This coming from the woman who has more shoes than Imelda Marcos?"

"Ha-ha, I do know," Lorelai trigger finger pointed at Rory, "Silly me, silly you. We're in a dream."

"I hope you wake up from it," Rory laughed nervously.

"So do I kid," Lorelai shook her empty coffee mug, "You know, I think my coffee high is wearing off. Luuuke!"

Luke was on the phone, turning his back, writing on a notepad, then went into the back.

"I'm very star-ving," Lorelai fluttered her mug, "This is a damsel in distress. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a lady in distress. Coff-ee!"

Rory ducked her head down, "Mom, you're making a scene."

"I see… geddit?" Lorelai chuckled, "Scene? See? I see… that's the first part of the word. It's not a compound word. You're the Smartie. Are they lollies? I haven't tried one."

Rory put her hands over her ears. "Please don't drink any more coffee."

"I'm perfectly normal said the shrink," Lorelai smiled, "Can a shrink say things? I thought shrink was a verb. Maybe I know grammar maybe I can go to Stars Hollow High. I'm quite smart. Every voice in my head says so."

Lorelai's smile faltered at Rory's expression.

"I'll get you coffee," Lorelai forced a smile, "See, I can say normal sentences. I'm Lorelai, I'm sometimes normal."

Lorelai bumped into someone exiting the cafe, both apologised, and Lorelai went to the counter where Luke had emerged from the back room, hung up the phone, stuffing his notepad in his shirt pocket.

"Could I please have some coffee?" Lorelai rolled her eyes. "See, I can talk - "

Luke frowned.

"Well, it is for Rory." Lorelai pursed her lips, "Fine, I'll talk normal. Please?"

"One," Luke glanced witheringly. "For her."

Luke frowned.

"You're trying to think of something funny to say, aren't you?"

"I can be normal," Lorelai rolled her eyes.

She glanced over and saw Joey bending over the table talking to Rory.

"Yeah, I've never been through here before - "

"Ah!" Lorelai screamed, and the cafe looked round. "You didn't tell me you've never been through here before!"

Joey glanced around. "What?"

"Jinx, jinx, double jinx, ha-ha," Lorelai did rock-paper-scissors, "Glitch in the matrix, cat says meow."

Joey stalled, "I was just - "

"This is my daughter, I didn't borrow her for the day," Lorelai stood beside her, "I created her, this isn't a hoax. She didn't inherit my looks but don't weigh that against her."

Rory blanched, "Mo-om!"

"Your daughter," Joey gestured, "You do not look old enough to have a daughter."

"I would be a minor," Lorelai bared her teeth, "Would I be a miner? Do they actually lug up stone from the mines? I would have good muscles though."

"Uh," Joey glanced to Rory, "So… daughter?"

"Well no, we call her Rory," Lorelai smiled, "Or Lorelai or Pushpin or Tookie Clothespin."

Rory glanced round. "Tookie?"

"That's for later," Lorelai patted Rory's shoulder, and glanced up.

"You know," Joey thumbed the guy behind him, "I am traveling with a friend - "

"Aah!" Lorelai held her heart and stumbled back, "You shouldn't do that."

Joey and his friend paused. "Do what?"

"It's not safe traveling alone, take this," Lorelai held out her hand, "It's a sword, you know, from Zelda. The Legend of the Wakes or whatever it is. Take it."

Joey froze, "Take what?"

"The sword, take the sword."

Joey glanced round to his pal.

"Oh, right," Lorelai shook her head, "What's umm eight plus eight. No! Yes. Eight times two. That's what they say in school."

"Uh, sixteen?" Joey said, after a pause.

"Yes, sixteen," Lorelai sighed, hand on heart, "My daughter is sixteen, she's alive, she goes to school."

"Right… bye," Joey departed with his friend, the bell above the door jingling.

"Drive safe, some cars don't stop when you cross the street, use both eyes, not one, ha-ha."

SCENE 2

"Ohh my gawsh, look at this place," Lorelai smiled and inhaled the air. "I love the inn. I love being in an inn. Hello! Please stay longer."

Lorelai waved at a couple leaving the inn who whispered among themselves.

"Customer service is everything."

Lorelai entered the inn, pulled a crumpled receipt from her breast pocket, put it in the bell hop's hand.

"Does this break anything?" Lorelai looked him in the eyes.

"Um, this is a receipt," said the bell hop.

"You talk!" Lorelai gasped, "I didn't know you were programmed."

The bell hop took the bags out with spurred relief and Lorelai looked around the room.

"Oh, this hotel is lovely," Lorelai smiled, "I'm glad I work here. I manage. I do that. Manage. How hard can it be?"

She came around to the front desk where Michel was on the phone: "Sorry, we're completely booked."

"Geddit, geddit," Lorelai hissed a whisper, picking up the binder, "Booked? Geddit?"

Michel thoroughly ignored Lorelai and continued sorting through paper.

"No, ma'am, I don't have to look - "

Lorelai began to creep up the side of Michel, her mouth in a perfect O, her hand held in front of her mouth, her eyes wide with horror.

"Yes, of course I'll look," said Michel, putting the phone on the book. "No, I'm sorry, we're completely booked."

Unable to think of a retort, Lorelai sadly slid down out of view and popped back up again. There was a scuffle from the far end of the room.

"No - no, good," Drella argued, "Just ignore me. Just ignore this big harp."

Lorelai slapped her forehead, "Oh, that's me!"

Lorelai skipped across the room and fell over. She got up and ran her hands through her hair and smiled at Drella.

"You're you, I'm me, let's get this started," Lorelai clasped her hands on her stomach and bowed slightly, "Wel-come to my retreat."

Drella stared. "Excuse me?"

"This is a room, is it not?" Lorelai gestured, "We're here, the harp is here, all is good."

"You'll have to pay me to care," Drella flicked her eyes up, "Right now, this - "

"Well, we can be nice, can't we," Lorelai waggled her finger and smiled, "The Bible says - "Hey, lady," Drella waggled her finger, "You want someone nice? Get someone who plays the harmonica."

"Well, you can't argue with logic," Lorelai shrugged, "You know, I'm helpless in the face of a stronger personality."

"Yeah, great," Drella budged past, "That is a great place for a table… "

Lorelai bit her lip, wanting so badly to retort but too downed by Drella's determination. She returned behind the desk, doing chainsaw motions, "Brmmm, brmmm," trying to get her zest back.

"Madam, of course I understand," Michel leaned against the desk, "But I would have to build a room for you myself - "

"Oh!" Lorelai snatched the phone from Michel, "Hello, yes, potential customer? Rescue delivery, ah-ha. You know I'm the manager. Or is that manger? What does Christ say? Did he lay in hay… I never saw the production."

The customer was barely audible through the phone. Michel stared in shock.

"Um," Lorelai took a deep breath at Michel's look, then smiled, "Actually, customer, we can build you a room."

Lorelai smiled and Michel gestured frantically.

"Yes, rooms are built, I know a carpenter. Jesus was a carpenter," Lorelai gestured, "I don't know him personally. Do you know his number? Did you know when I was a girl, I had one of those phones and you press a number and the cow says moo?"

Michel pretended to bash his head against the front desk. Lorelai pursed her lips and nodded.

"No - yes, that weekend suits great," Lorelai beamed, "We'll have your room built by then. Good bye."

Lorelai hung up the phone and looked over the book. Michel stared. Lorelai gasped.

"We don't have any room!" Lorelai turned to Michel, handing him the phone smiling, "Could you please call the customer and tell him or her we don't have any room?"

Michel spit every word out: "You cannot be serious."

"I'm never serious, then I am, then I'm not, ha-ha," Lorelai jumped and did that thing where you click your feet in midair. It did not work and she pulled herself up.

"It was an incoming call," Michel looked disgusted. "Why, oh why, did you say we would build a room?"

Lorelai brought the phone book up from underneath the desk. "Start with the As."

Michel's exhale blew some papers around. Lorelai stared and thought.

"Oh, right. Um, plumber?"

Michel stared. "What?"

"Plumbers work and have tools," Lorelai nodded.

"I am assuming that is your way of forming a sen-tence," Michel drawled. "He does nothing. He never does anything! It is a hundred dollars."

Lorelai picked up the phone and dialed. "Hey, hi, hello. You are a plumber."

Lorelai laughed. "Yes, but I need um, something in the room fixed. Replaced. You know the words, they come out of my mouth."

Lorelai saw Rory come across the room. Lorelai took Michel's coloured post its, one from each pile of colours, and threw each ripped off piece at her.

"Fireworks," Lorelai hissed, holding the phone to her chest, "Rainbow. Each colour. Sur-prise."

Rory smiled nervously and glanced at Michel who shook his head. Lorelai clapped the phone back to her ear.

"Um, yeah, we need a replacement," Lorelai nodded, "The replacement being the thing that must definitely happen."

Lorelai paused.

"Can I ask you one last thing? Good… do you wear overalls? Mario wears red and Luigi wears green. Do you unclog toilets?"

Lorelai paused.

"No, but did you? Would you? Would you release names of people whose toilets you've unclogged?"

Lorelai caught Michel's stare. "I gotta go."

Rory began picking up stamps. Michel frowned.

"What ees your daughter doing?"

"Stamps. I need them," Rory showed.

"Stamps? You know - " Lorelai opened her mouth, and both Rory and Michel turned away. "Rude. I never turn down an opportunity to chat. Chatty Cathy, they call me. Is that with a C or a K? It depends in what mood you're in. What was I saying?"

"I gotta go," Rory walked away.

"French!" Lorelai blurted.

"Excuse me?" Michel glanced up.

"Rory learns French, it's a language," Lorelai shrugged, "Can you please teach it to her?"

"Mom, it's a French test," Rory smiled, "Michel, can you please review this?"

"Uh, no."

"I'll tell all the ladies what a stud you are?"

Michel opened his mouth, "I believe - "

"A stud!" Lorelai raised her voice. "Like a horse, horse stud, one who goes into the stables and - "

Lorelai saw the look on Rory's face, and of distaste and upset on Michele's.

"And then Black Beauty said," Lorelai paused, "Um, it didn't die. Did Black Beauty die? I didn't read it. I did read Bambi. Bambi died. Or the mother."

Rory slowly handed over the French test to Michel and cleared her throat. "It's due tomorrow."

Rory walked off and Lorelai glanced at Michel.

"You're so nice," Lorelai smiled at Michel, "You know - "

SCENE 3

"That's a lovely sound, what is that?" Lorelai glanced round, the bell hop following her. "Oh, it's our harp player. That's Drella. Do angels play harps? Or is it Cupid?"

Lorelai stopped and the bell hop had to turn around.

"Are you the same bell hop I gave the receipt to?"

The bellhop shook his head.

"Oh, so don't take Mrs Langworthy's bags up to 314. It's 313. I'm sure of it," Lorelai nodded, "But in room 314, make sure the drapes are open, there's only one of those thin pieces of soap that look like a guitar pick, and don't give her pillow mints. We don't actually offer those. It's a myth."

The sound of crashing came from the kitchen. Lorelai turned to the bell hop, "God speed!"

Lorelai entered the kitchen, "Sookie?"

"I'm OK, I'm OK!"

Sookie was on the ground, pots everywhere, food spilling out. Lorelai hurried to her side.

"You can't cook like this," Lorelai gestured.

Lorelai put a finger in the food that was on the floor. "Dee-licious, Sookie!"

"Um," Sookie, injury forgotten, raised a shaking finger. "That was on the floor. You just put your finger… in the food… that was on the floor. And you ate it."

Lorelai smiled, "Nope."

Sookie stared. "Yes, you did. I just saw it."

"Nope!" Lorelai smiled, "You can deny anything, and it didn't happen!"

Sookie frowned, "I just saw you!"

"Nope," Lorelai shook her head, and turned to the kitchen helper, "By the way, we do not let pots sit on the ground. We have them on shelves. I'll help - "

The kitchen hand spoke quickly, in a language Lorelai wasn't sure of.

"Um - " Lorelai paused, looking to Sookie then to the kitchen hand, "OK, I got it."

Lorelai cleared her throat, "Give me a word. Any word. And I'll tell you how the root of that word - "

The kitchen hand stood up, Lorelai shrugged and turned to Sookie.

"I fixed the peach sauce," Sookie gestured, "I was using too much maple syrup - "

"Why is there blood?" Lorelai held her nose, "What if I was to faint at the sight of blood?"

"It's just my stitches," Sookie shrugged, "They opened up - "

Sookie reached up, took a pan off the stovetop, and offered the wooden spoon to Lorelai.

"You know, I shouldn't eat," Lorelai smiled, "I could - "

Lorelai blushed, even that joke was too much. She tasted the sauce on the wooden spoon.

"I love it," Lorelai took another taste test, "Sorry Sookie, this is too good. This is for me."

"I want to use it tomorrow morning," Sookie squealed with delight.

"Some day when we open our own inn, I want to call it, The Place Nobody Eats Here."

Sookie frowned. "Why?"

"Well," Lorelai shrugged, "Initially nobody will have eaten there. So it'll be true to fact."

"Um, but we want people to visit," Sookie stared, "And we'll have to change our name once - no, why do we have to have that name at all?"

Lorelai cleared her throat, "I propose this. We open with my name, print business cards. Then when the first person eats, we change our name."

"But," Sookie paused, "That's a waste of money."

"No, that is innovation," Lorelai raised her hands and waggled her fingers, "These aren't spirit fingers, these are spirit fingers - "

"Ouch, oh, I should probably get to the doctor," Sookie grimaced.

"I'll pretend you're not just saying that to get away from me," Lorelai sniffed, "I do pay your wages, you know."

SCENE 4

Lorelai ran into the inn's kitchen, "Sookie!"

Sookie, about to chop down with a cleaver, turned and wedged it into the kitchen hand.

"Oh!" Lorelai did a Home Alone face, then dropped her hands, "Anyway, it happened!"

Sookie stared, "I'm going to need a little bit longer of a sentence."

Lorelai shook her head, "You can't ask me for that."

Sookie stared.

"OK, to speed things up - " Lorelai rolled her eyes, "I'll say everything perfectly normal."

Lorelai cleared her throat.

Sookie stared. "Well?"

"Give it a minute," Lorelai held up a finger.

The chef hand lay bloodied on the floor.

"OK," Lorelai gestured, "Chilton school. Chilton!"

"Chilton…. School?" Sookie's face brimmed with realisation.

"I got in!" Lorelai beamed.

"What?"

"Well, it would be me," Lorelai shrugged, "I could be Lorelai. That's my name, take it or leave it."

Lorelai sniffed and showed Sookie the paper. "See? Chil-ton? Chilton. That's two words. The dictionary said so."

"Oh my god!" Sookie clapped and read the letter Lorelai held aloft.

"They have an opening starting immediately," Lorelai paused, and froze. "Jesus Christ!"

Lorelai ran, but Sookie held her back.

"Um, they don't mean right now," Sookie tugged her back, "Reel it in."

"Right, right," Lorelai nodded, sucking in her breath, "I'm sure there's much of a speech to give but I can't top that."

"Pardon?"

"Never mind," Lorelai swatted the air.

"Mom?"

Lorelai and Sookie glanced round and Rory came into the inn's kitchen.

Rory stared. "You're happy."

"Oh my god!" Lorelai did the Home Alone face. "You can talk!"

Rory glanced to Sookie. Sookie glanced to Lorelai.

"Um, yes," Lorelai chirped nervously, "I'm happy, not that these meds are working too well. I didn't say that, ha-ha!"

Rory paused, "Did you do something slutty?"

"Well, yeah but no but yeah but no, ha-ha," Lorelai beamed, "I could be saying one thing. Should I do the Joker?"

Sookie pulled at Lorelai's arm. "Are you alright?"

"No, I mean, yes, but no - " Lorelai took a deep breath, "The Joker? I could put a lipstick mouth on but white paint. He says it's a knife but why would his smile be made from a knife? It's red. Red like lipstick. Did he really come out of that building in a nurse's uniform? Cos I'm sure it's against regulations."

Rory rubbed one arm with her hand, awkwardly; Sookie glanced around the room. Vastly aware of how cuckoo she was sounding, Lorelai swallowed her need for attention.

"Um, you got in," Lorelai smiled, "You're going to Chilton."

"What?" Rory gasped.

Lorelai clapped her hand over her mouth. "Oh shit, I was supposed to hand you this."

Sookie frowned up at Lorelai. Rory took the bag, her excitement added to by the skirt and made more real. She looked from Lorelai to Sookie.

"How did this happen?" Rory paused. "You didn't… with the principal, did you?"

"Um, no," Lorelai put her hand on her hip, "You know, I do make jokes sometimes. You're going to start on Tuesday."

Rory stared and beamed. "Really?"

"Well, no," Lorelai shook her head, and Rory froze, and Lorelai continued, "Monday. Monday… is when you're starting."

Lorelai felt the pit of guilt creep up. "Sorry. I should say that more often but I am."

Rory chose to stay in the present moment: "Oh my god! I'm going to Chilton! Sookie, I'm going to Chilton!"

Rory headed out the door, and Lorelai smiled at Sookie, feeling guilty. Lorelai jumped as Rory came back and hugged her, something she had forgot about.

"I love you," said Rory, and was out the door in the next second.

"Well," Lorelai exhaled all air in her body, "Rory's going to Chilton."

Sookie rubbed Lorelai's arm, Lorelai took a hard look at herself in the back of a spoon.

"Maybe I need to tone it down… "

The kitchen hand on the floor was covered in blood and was dead. Sookie was doing a little dance.

"Rory's going to Chilton - Rory's going to Chilton - "

SCENE 5

The phone was ringing at the inn's front desk. Michel was studiously avoiding it. Lorelai, fresh from the fatigues of a long day, took a deep breath.

"I can answer it - "

Michel clapped a hand over the phone. "No! You are not touching this phone."

"Your hand's just there, can you answer it?" Lorelai batted her eyelashes, "It could be the contractor, coming to build the room for that person. Did you call them back?"

"People are particularly stupid today, I can't talk to anymore of them."

Lorelai pouted, "Why do you look at me when you say that?"

Michel, who had been staring at the ledger he was scribbling in, replied "I did not look at you but the temptation was there."

"Did you know - " Lorelai came slowly into the shot, "The people at the unemployment agency are nice to talk to. You see? You see how slowly I came into the shot? Like Donkey. Donkey from Shrek. Are those really his ears - "

Michel picked up the phone straight away, "Independence Inn, Michel speaking… "

"I didn't even get to use this," Lorelai admired the letter opener, and cut the envelope open. She pulled out the letter. "Printed type! I must inform the serfs lest they, um, stop pulling the potatoes from the ground."

SCENE 6

Lorelai stood in her home, the phone pressed to her ear.

"Call waiting, ha-ha," Lorelai smiled, "Um, but please connect me. I don't do much else than crack jokes."

Lorelai paused.

"Well, Rory Gilmore. That's my daughter's name," Lorelai smiled, "What's my name? Well, I could have just said Rory. Rory Gilmore. Do you do checks on people who call? Or do you just need a name? You know Voltaire once said - well, I don't know Voltaire. He sounds like Voltorb. Do you watch anime? Do you think - "

Lorelai heard a click and sighed.

"Um," Lorelai tried to rejig her energy towards that of a new participant, "Um, Chilton. Yes, is this Chilton?"

Lorelai slowly walked into the living room, still mentally fatigued from having to drop one caller and move to the next.

"Yes, um. Rory is my daughter's name," Lorelai collapsed on the couch, "She's going to Chilton and I just wanted to ask about mon-ey."

Lorelai paused.

"Yes, well, I think the typewriter ran out because of all those zeros, ah-ha," Lorelai laughed, coughing, something in her throat, "You wouldn't believe this, but it's actually very difficult to joke all the time."

Lorelai paused.

"No, well, I am taking this seriously - "

Lorelai paused.

"Well, it's just the fee," Lorelai sighed, "I really would like Rory to get into Chilton. Could you take some of the fee now?"

Lorelai paused. She thought of a couple jokes about partial fees but was knackered, wishing she could go to bed. Her heart began racing.

"Um, ideally if you could hold the slot - " Lorelai rubbed her forehead, "Look, it's not that I can't get the money - I don't want you to think I can't - you know, I just - I can't really tell you how much this means to Rory and I need to be able to provide this for her."

Lorelai paused.

"Thank you, I'll sort it out," Lorelai nodded. "Um, goodbye."

Lorelai hung up the phone. She felt a crushing weight on her that was not just from life as Lorelai.

SCENE 7

"What do I do, what do I do?"

Lorelai walked back and forth on her porch while Sookie sat and watched.

"Um, you could sell my car?" Sookie shrugged.

"Oh, right, about Rory," Lorelai took a deep breath, "OK, here goes. Um, no, not your car, because it might be a Transformer."

Sookie paused. "What?"

"I could sell it," Lorelai screwed up her face, "But it might be a Transformer."

"Are you OK?" Sookie peered.

Lorelai took a hit of the wine glass on the table. "There you are, old friend."

Lorelai shivered and swat away some mosquitos. The silence lasted one second.

"You know," Lorelai tugged down her sweater, "This is a tiger. Is this Baloo? Or that Tarzan kid?"

"Pardon?" Sookie squinted.

Lorelai shrugged and sat back on the couch. "You know. The usual life. Insert script here. There must be something I haven't thought of."

"You know," Sookie hesitated, "You might consider calling - "

Lorelai widened her eyes, "The Justice League?"

"No - "

"The farm where they sent my horse when it got too old?"

"Um - "

"OK, OK, I'll let you go," Lorelai took another sip, every bone in her body throbbing.

"I just," Sookie took a deep breath. "Sometimes you do talk over me. That's just not cool. But to get back to the topic at hand, I think there's only one option."

Lorelai sighed. "I should be more upset at the idea but there's nothing left in my body but whatever powers it. If it's wine, I'm drinking more."

There were footsteps on the porch, "Mom!"

Rory skipped into sight, wearing the school skirt. "What do you think?"

Lorelai held her breath, "The funny version or the honest one?"

"Honest," Rory scoffed, "Obviously."

"It suits you perfectly," Lorelai smiled.

Rory smiled at Sookie then to Lorelai. "The funny version?"

Lorelai shook her head, "It'll keep. Just stay in the moment."

Lorelai, Rory and Sookie went into the house.

"You know," said Rory, as they went into the living room, "I actually dressed for gym today."

"Really? In a unitard? A leotard? Can people balance on those tight rope things? Can't they just use their arms to balance?"

"And I played volleyball!"

Lorelai frowned, "You know that's illegal."

"Huh?" Rory turned around.

"Yes, illegal," Lorelai gestured Rory onto the stool, and Lorelai got out her stitching equipment, "It's banned in three states and countries. It's too sporty."

Rory stayed still on the stool, "How can volleyball be too sporty?"

"I dunno," Lorelai shrugged, "Ask Sporty Spice. She sent the bill through Parliament."

Rory glanced down. "OK… "

Sookie came in from the kitchen. "Where's your Pâté?"

Lorelai glanced up. "Pâté doesn't exist. It's a scheme. It's a nominal holding by conglomerates, and is not used in this house."

"Well," Sookie clapped her hands, hoping to dispel the fruit loop quality of her friend's comments, "I'm going to the store because you have nothing."

"Isn't that right, ha-ha," Lorelai felt a pit in her throat. "Nu-thing. You know, like nun-chucks?"

Rory chose to ignore her mother's changing moods, and jumped down from the stool. "I love being a private school girl!"

Rory turned the corner, and Lorelai glanced to a picture on the mantlepiece.

"Now they," said Lorelai, wiping a veneer of dust from the top, "They will not like my hu-more."

SCENE 8

Lorelai sat on the edge of her Jeep parked outside a beautiful brick mansion.

"Here we goooo," Lorelai sipped the dregs of her coffee, and tossed it in the street. "May as well use some karma. Some incitement of the world to change things. Can I change things? Only a light load. Everything comes out in the wash. Shall we go?"

Lorelai crossed the forecourt, the ivy-covered building a real pang of beauty to her soul, and knocked on the front door, and it opened just as quickly.

"Oh!" Lorelai held her heart, "I didn't expect you there."

"Lorelai!" Emily stared, "This is a surprise."

"I mean, it's not Christmas, so… " Lorelai shrugged. "I don't have a present, and this isn't Halloween. I'm not trick or treating. That's for kids, I'm not a kid."

"How about Easter?" Emily raised her eyebrows.

"Well," Lorelai took a deep breath, "You know, if you take a left on Peach, and a right on Rye… ha-ha… and drive twenty minutes to Hartford you end up here!"

"To see me?" Emily clarified.

"Well, I don't have a gun and a balaclava so I'm not here to kidnap you," Lorelai lifted her arms and turned around, "Promise I'm not carrying. Is that how they say it in the hood?"

"I wouldn't know," Emily frowned, "You should come inside."

Lorelai felt a heavy weight on her. The oppressive feel of the magnificent surroundings amplified that, that and the silence which seemed to be struck. Emily, in particular, could not be less of a scion for a person who did not tolerate hu-more.

"Um, the place looks great," said Lorelai, meaning it.

Emily shrugged "It hasn't changed."

"Houses shouldn't change," Lorelai attempted a brave face, "Did you know, houses can talk?"

Emily paused in the foyer. "Excuse me?"

"You know, anthropomorphic houses. They open up the top roof and talk, if they could," Lorelai shrugged, "That reminds me of Animatrons. You know, those people who become animals? Or animals who become people? I watched that, I was there."

Emily stirred and moved into the living room. "I'm quite sure I have no idea what you're talking about… "

Lorelai followed her mother into the living room.

"Um, how are your friends at the bridge club? Do they play bridge?"

"Yes," Emily paused, "That's why they call it a bridge club."

"Do they cross bridges?" Lorelai sat down and leaned forward, "They could play cards there. It could be called bridge-upon-a-bridge."

"You said you were taking a business class?" Emily asked.

Lorelai felt the energy draining from her. The coffee pep up just hadn't help. The forbidding, one-liners that her mother was providing did not invigorate her soul.

"They do business," Lorelai met her audience of one, and found in it no candor to rouse from her slumber, and slumped back against the uncomfortable chair, "You know."

"Yes," Emily said, perturbed, "Well. Would you like some tea?"

"From China?" Lorelai began. "It was invented there, I know things."

"No, from the kitch-en," Emily shook her head.

A noise came from the hallway. "Emily?"

"We're in here," called Emily.

Richard came in reading a newspaper.

"Hello!" Lorelai waved. "I'm your daughter, nice to meet you."

Richard took one look at Lorelai and turned to Emily. "This is sudden."

"Lorelai takes business classes," Emily sniffed and smoothed the lint off her lap, "She just decided to see us."

"Free will, ha-ha," Lorelai piped up, and earned both her parents stares. "That's what'll do it. Take the red pill or the blue pill. I don't ask myself that, no-one does."

Richard paused, then turned to Emily. "What business class?"

"She told us about it, remember?" Emily said silkily.

Lorelai felt her hackles rising, and watched the two of them like gaolers.

"I did come here to discuss - well - " Lorelai faltered at Emily's glance, and with Richard perusing his own interest with his back to her, her anger only grew. "Richard - er, Dad - "

His stalwart reply was thus: "You need money."

"Well, we all need money," Lorelai cleared her throat, "I mean, in the beginning, there was no light, and then - "

"You need money."

Lorelai fumed but reminded herself of Rory. "Well, here's the thing. Rory has got into Chilton. I received the letter."

"That's wonderful," Emily brightened, "Chilton is a very good school."

"The tabloids tell me," Lorelai brightened, and her mother dimmed, and Lorelai began to drain, "But, um, you see - she might lose her spot if - "

"So," Richard looked at Lorelai, and all fury subsumed was very difficult to battle with holding under control, "You need money."

Lorelai struggled to withstand, and to bring up any kind of humour, when something so serious was involved.

"I do intend to pay it back," Lorelai brushed strands of hair away from her face, "Look, it can just be a loan. This is definitely the thing that has to happen, and the transaction which results in Rory going to this school. Yes. I need this to happen."

Richard stalled, "I'll get the chequebook."

Emily held up a finger, "On one condition."

"God forbid you love me for who I am," Lorelai muttered.

"What?" Emily turned around.

"Nothing! Continue," Lorelai brightened.

"Since we are now financially tied to you, I would like to be actively involved in both your and Rory's lives," Emily glanced to Richard. "I want a Friday night dinner."

"What if Fridays are declared a hoax, ha-ha… "

"And I want an update on her schooling and your life," Emily continued, unabated, "Those are the conditions. Those are the conditions by which your father and I will help you."

Lorelai took a deep breath. "Can we keep the loan to ourselves? I don't want Rory finding out."

Emily glanced, "Does seven o clock work for you?"

Lorelai struggled to repress a smart alec answer. She nodded and glanced up to the portrait above the fireplace.

"I look like Morticia," said Lorelai, and her parents stared, "No, the daughter. What was If? Ike? It! Was he really their uncle? What was under that bag of fur?"

Lorelai tried to keep her composure, the jokes were her shield, and a poor one against the stares of her parents.

SCENE 9

Lorelai and Rory sat in Luke's dinner, fiddling with their forks over their salads. Lorelai felt as beat as Rory looked, if not more, if there was a competition, which there wasn't.

A deep breath took much of Lorelai's remaining energy: "How was your night?"

"Oh, uh," Rory stirred, "I went to the library."

"Books… " Lorelai tried to rouse some energy, "Good to read."

The silence stretched.

"So," Lorelai cleared her throat, "We're to have dinner with the grandparents. Those old softies."

"But it's September?"

"Technically, it's Christmas all round, with the right spirit," Lorelai imagined a smile was on her face, though gravity kept her facial muscles to a sour sulk. "God this is an effort."

"I imagine, to tell me," Rory paused, "Why are we going there?"

"It's the thing that is happening," Lorelai shrugged, "It just is the thing that will happen. I really can't control it, kid."

Luke came by, set two plates of hamburger and fries, and ripped a piece off his little notebook.

"That looks delicious," Lorelai was starved, and sunk her teeth deep into the burger.

Luke frowned, "Red meat can kill ya."

Lorelai held up her patty, "This isn't red. It's patty! Miss Patty, school of driving, hello?"

Luke wandered off. Rory continued to drift off in her own thoughts.

"So I hemmed your skirt," Lorelai shrugged, "I hemmed and I hawwed, ha-ha… "

"I don't understand why we're going to dinner Friday night," Rory paused with her fork aloft, "What if I had plans?"

"TGIF, am I right, ha-ha… " Lorelai snarfed the fries, her cheeks bulging, "But seriously, it's not so bad."

"That wasn't my question," said Rory, "What if I had plans?"

"Well, plans are like briefcases. You unpack them, and then you don't use them."

Rory stared, "What does that even mean?"

"Look - "

"I have my own plans, my own things," blurted Rory.

"OK… " Lorelai realised how hard it would be to be a mother, "I wish I had the right words to say."

"You seem to talk plenty enough," Rory raised her eyebrows.

"Y'know, I'm supposed to be the B-I-C-T-H tonight," Lorelai giggled, "Geddit? I can't spell 'cos I didn't go to college. Not just the Lorelai me. The real me."

Rory glanced up, "Just tonight?"

Fury rose in Lorelai, "I am trying my best. I suppose hearing that growing up only made me angry, and now I'm using it on you, and I can't expect it to work, can I?"

Rory paused. "I'm not sure I want to go to Chilton… "

"Nobody wants to go to Chilton," Lorelai stared, "It seems very hard but the hard work will pay off. I wouldn't go there. But you're not me. You're sorta me. But thank god you don't joke like me. I'd go crazy trying to compete with you."

"The timing is really bad… " Rory stared, "And the bus ride, to and from… "

"Nothing in life is certain," Lorelai cleared her throat, "You just have to tackle it. You just have to keep going."

"Plus, you're supposed to be saving money," said Rory, "Chilton has to be costing you a lot… "

Lorelai felt very trapped in someone else's body experiencing conflicts of a nature she spent her whole life trying to avoid.

Rory continued, "All of your money should be going towards buying an inn with Sookie."

"There's just not that reality," Lorelai shook her head, "Some things in life take compromise. Obviously, your getting an education trumps anything I want to accomplish. You can feed me in my old age."

"I'm staying where I am," said Rory resolutely.

"That cannot be the decision you want to make," Lorelai shook, "God, they never tell you how hard kids are."

"I'm not going!" Rory blurted.

Lorelai stood up. "There can only be so much self restraint in me. There has to be something outside that door that will calm me down, that or a car."

"We have to pay first!"

Lorelai looked long and hard at Rory. "Don't I know too well the obligations."

Lorelai took cash out of her pocket, grabbed another couple fries, stuffed them in her mouth, and led the way outside. Rory followed.

Outside, a horse drawn cart filled with hay and people passed. Lane was flanked by two boys.

"If I had energy," muttered Lorelai, "I could think of something. I'm so drained. Tonight is just too much."

They passed Miss Patty's where little girls played at being ballerinas.

"Oh, Rory, good," Miss Patty ventured, "I've found a job for your male friend."

"Your gentleman caller?" Lorelai sighed, "Oh, Rory. This is what this is all about. That is what I am supposed to say, isn't it?"

Rory began walking hurriedly.

"This is my life now, isn't it," Lorelai called, shaking, "I'm following you, I'm still living, every fibre of my being calls out for sleep."

SCENE 10

"Rory," Lorelai called, "You have to talk to me."

Rory unlocked the front door and turned on the lights. Lorelai followed Rory everywhere she went.

"I suppose I should expect it," Lorelai crashed on the ground, held a cushion to her chest, "You are the Mini Me."

Rory turned, "I'm not you!"

"Well, I fell for some guy on a motorcycle. I threw my life away," Lorelai got up, her back aching, "But you know, I had you. And I have to protect you as I know best."

Rory headed towards the bedroom and Lorelai followed her.

"Who is he?"

"There's no guy!"

"Well, who the hell was Miss Patty talking about?" Lorelai threw open her arms. "I'm not completely crazy. I'm not completely needing to be strapped in to the insane unit."

"This conversation is over," Rory turned at her doorway, "I've given you all the reasons not to discuss this further. Good-night."

Rory went into her room and slammed the door.

"Motorcycle! They have engines which go!" Lorelai called, "I need an engine. I need more fries."

Lorelai strode to the fridge and opened it and saw nothing. "Of course. Because I didn't go to college. That's why you should go to college, Rory!"

Lorelai knocked on Rory's door, and heard nothing, and entered.

"Thanks for the knock," Rory folded her arms.

"I can't have conflict. I can't deal with this," Lorelai folded her arms, "We need to get to an agreement."

Rory stayed silent, and the growing realisation that miscommunication and conflict would start to be a vital trigger in the life that lay ahead, was a burning blade between the ribs.

"Rory, guys are great," Lorelai shook her head, "I geddit. I geddit. But there are a lot of them out there. And this opportunity just won't happen again."

Rory reached for a book and opened it. "I'm going to sleep."

"Rory - "

"Just please, please, leave me alone."

Lorelai stiffened. "You know, I would kill to have a parent who cares. Probably I'm doing a shit job. But really, kid. Even if I'm not the standard, the effort is there. Perhaps selfishly I want a resolution to avoid the conflict. Maybe the conflict's inevitable. Maybe you need space and boundaries which I'm still learning. I suppose the only response is to… "

Lorelai got up, closed Rory's bedroom door behind her, went to the living room, switched on Macy Grey and slumped on the couch. Every vibrant attitude pulsed in her, she shook with emotion, she held out her hands, she felt a roiling such that numbing her senses could not currently be achieved.

This was her future - feeling again.

SCENE 11

Sookie was shaking her head as the inn's kitchen was covered in smoke.

"I swear I don't know what happened… "

"It's OK," Lorelai forced herself to say. "Let's just… move on."

"Oh God, you should take the cost of a new oven out of my paycheck!"

"I can't do that," Lorelai sighed, "You know, that's my cue, but I just can't muster an attempt."

"Good," Sookie folded her arms, "Cos those things are expensive."

"I'm sorry," Lorelai shrugged, "It's Rory. She's very hard to deal with. It's the terrible sixteens. You know, where you want to slit your wrists."

Sookie frowned, "You or her?"

"I was just like her at her age," Lorelai stared into the distance.

"OK, now I'm worried," Sookie held up her hands, "C'mon. Mothers and daughters fight."

"Well, it's a lot harder than I thought," Lorelai sighed, "I didn't expect the perfect mother-daughter relationship, but pretty darn close."

Michel appeared by Lorelai's side: "Your daughter is here - your daughter is here, and she's sitting in my chair."

Lorelai turned and glared at Michel. "If I weren't a lady, what wouldn't I say?"

Lorelai stomped out of the inn's kitchen, and across the lobby to the front desk. Rory was standing behind the front desk reading a book.

"Well," Lorelai took a huge drawn out sigh, "It's you and me kid. Let's pretend we're floating on an iceberg in that ol' Titanic disaster 'cos we have to work through this."

"You asked me to be here," Rory scathed.

"And such a chipper mood, I could feed you to a woodchipper," Lorelai glared, "I'm just in no mood. We have to live and breathe the same air. Let's try for some civility."

"You first!"

"Ouch," Lorelai rolled her eyes, "I see now why parents take time off not to be examples to their kids. It's just too easy a target."

"You asked me to be here, I'm here!"

"Well," Lorelai turned and folded her arms, "You may as well go home. You clearly don't want to be here."

Rory glanced up. "What about all that iceberg stuff?"

"Well, the Titanic sunk, who knew," Lorelai shrugged, "Be ready for seven."

Rory got up and left, and Michel came from the side and sat in his chair.

"Don't say it," Lorelai warned, "I'm in no mood for your little funny things you say that always sound funny but they're not. I'm just in no mood."

SCENE 12

Lorelai and Rory stood in front of the grandparents' house.

"So, do we just stand here, or do we reenact the Little Match Girl?"

"I don't know who that is," Lorelai sized Rory up, "And I don't think you do neither."

"It's a fairy tale - "

"Not true," Lorelai sniffed, "It's made up."

"As opposed to real?"

"It could happen," Lorelai shrugged, "Rory, I need to give you the spiel. I need to be quite clear that we need to remain civil and in control of our liberties. You're Elinor and I'm Elinor. Neither of us can be Marianne. We have to say the right thing and get out of here, and then you can pull a Menendez. I think that's a character from Grand Theft Auto."

"Fine, whatever," Rory shrugged, "Are we going in, or are you gonna try quote more things?"

Lorelai rang the doorbell. The front door opened and Emily stood in the foyer.

"Well, you're right on time!"

"We try," Lorelai rolled her eyes, "You know - "

Lorelai caught Rory's gaze, and forced herself to look at her mother and smile.

"Yep!" Lorelai held a smile up with her fingers, "We Made It!"

Rory scoffed and Lorelai glanced around for a place to put her coffee cup.

"I'll just pop this in the kitchen… "

Emily was already leading Rory into the living room. Lorelai came back from the kitchen and entered the living room. Emily was mixing drinks and Richard was sitting down with his newspaper.

"Lorelai, your daughter's tall," Richard noticed.

"Well," Lorelai glanced at Rory, who raised her eyebrows. "At least give me that one… "

Emily came forward with a tray. "Champagne, anyone?"

"I think you'll find it's pronounced cham-pag-nuh, ha-ha," Lorelai took a glass, and a quick hit, to Emily's disgust and Richard's surprise, "Maybe I'll go easy tonight."

Rory folded her arms and tsked.

Emily continued, "Well, it's not every day I have my girls over when the banks are open."

"The banks are closed, Mom," Lorelai stared, "It's seven at night."

Emily lifted her glass, "To Rory. Entering an exciting new phase of her life at Chilton."

Lorelai bit and chewed her lip while the others drank, then Lorelai took another hit. Everyone took their seats in the living room.

"This is just wonderful," Emily watched Rory, "An education is the most important thing in the world. Next to family."

Lorelai glanced at Rory, raising her hand. Rory rolled her eyes.

"What is it?" Emily glanced round.

"Aw, you ruined it," Lorelai sulked. "I was going to say something funny."

"You always do," Emily glanced at Richard.

They sat in silence. Lorelai watched Richard pass Rory a section of the newspaper.

"Printed type, printed type," Lorelai murmured. "Serfs."

"What?" Emily glanced round.

"Nothing," Lorelai shrugged, and Rory's gaze burned into her.

SCENE 13

The four of them sat at the dining table in the dining room.

Emily spoke first: "Rory, how do you like the lamb?"

"It's good," Rory nodded.

"Not too dry?"

"Perfect."

"Good… "

Lorelai glanced between Rory and Emily. "Um, I have some input."

"Well, I suppose we better hear it," Emily took a sip of her wine.

"Can you imagine, ha-ha, if the lamb got up and galloped around the table?"

Richard glanced up. "Lambs don't gallop, Lorelai."

"Yes they do," Lorelai scoffed. "Galloping is just a fast run."

"Horses gallop," Richard nodded, "This lamb is dead."

Lorelai placed her hand over her heart. "Gee, thanks for hurting the lamb's feelings."

Richard glanced to Emily. Emily glanced to Lorelai.

"Lorelai, the lamb doesn't have feelings. It's on your plate."

"It could be alive," Lorelai shrugged, losing traction. She didn't dare meet Rory's eye.

"So, grandpa," Rory cleared her throat, "How's the insurance biz?"

"Oh, people die, we pay… people crash cars, we pay. People lose a foot… we pay."

Lorelai glanced from Richard to Rory. "Um - "

"And how are things at the motel?" Richard glanced to Lorelai.

"That's a hotel," Lorelai raised her chin, feeling her hackles rise.

"And what is it called?"

"The, um. Independence Inn."

"So then it's neither a motel nor a hotel," Richard pouted, "I suppose one of us is more wrong than the other."

Lorelai could barely keep her grip on her fork and her knife.

Emily changed topic: "Lorelai is the exective manager now, isn't that wonderful?"

Lorelai leaned in, "Speaking of mangers… "

"Speaking of which, Christopher called yesterday," Richard picked up his glass of wine.

"Oh, we love him," Lorelai rolled her eyes, "I mean - "

"His internet startup in California goes public next month."

Lorelai pursed her lips. "Only took him sixteen years and a bit to make some-thing of himself."

Richard turned to Rory. "He's a very talented man, your father. He always was a smart one that boy."

"Well, he dropped out on Rory and me, so," Lorelai shrugged. "Smarts are not what I'd put in his calendar. I would say a severe zero in the ol' Intelligence stat."

Emily stared. "What are you talking about?"

Richard turned to Rory, "You must take after your father."

Lorelai's spine stiffened through pride that would never wear away.

"Speaking of which, your favourite sentence, Dad," Lorelai glared, "I'm going to help the maid do dishes."

Lorelai rose, and Emily stared, Richard was not rebuffed, Rory watched.

"Y'know, just for some fun," Lorelai sniffed, and turned the corner into the kitchen.

She came upon the dishes in the sink. She saw the delicious chocolate cake gateaux thing with strawberries. She put out a finger slowly stretching forward.

"Nope, I'll do one better."

Lorelai leaned in and held out her tongue and licked the top of the frosting. It would've been better with a bite. The maid stood there.

"Delicious, did you make it?" Lorelai wrapped dignity around her like an imperial cloak. "I'm the daughter, Gilmore House, what do you make of it?"

The maid frowned and walked out of the kitchen. Lorelai opened the drawer and found a spoon. She strode towards the cake, heard footsteps, dropped the spoon in her fright, and stood up to see Emily pushing through the door.

"Lorelai, come back to the table."

"I don't need you lot to fight me," Lorelai fumed, chucking the spoon in the sink, "I don't come here to be attacked. I don't deserve it."

"You're being very dramatic."

Lorelai quivered. "I am so glad I didn't grow up in this house."

Emily continued: "I think you took what your father said the wrong way."

"Uh, no, I was there," Lorelai stepped forward, "He knows what he's doing, he gets on my nerves, god forbid the lot of you apologise. You don't need to point out my every wrong doing."

"That's absurd!" Emily said, "You've barely uttered a word all night."

"That's because I don't feel safe to," Lorelai folded her arms, "You won't acknowledge my achievements, you'll put me down over anything I do, you're waiting for a moment of weakness. I know, don't you worry."

"Oh, stop."

"He didn't need to say Rory took after Christopher," Lorelai shouted, "What a thoughtless, insensitive thing to say. How else was I supposed to react?"

"Your father likes Christopher!"

"Just… unreal," Lorelai's hands shook as she paced.

"The two of you had such bright futures… "

"And now here we are," Lorelai stared, "I have Rory, I have a life."

"As a maid!"

"This is the future I want! With Rory!"

"When you get pregnant, you get married. You rid yourself of a lovely life."

"Oh, please," Lorelai looked Emily up and down.

"You took that girl and completely shut us out of your life!"

"You wanted to control me!"

Emily gestured, "You were still a child!"

"I would never stop being a child to you," Lorelai shook her head, "You always try to - "

"What? Hmm? You were always too proud to accept a little help."

"I didn't help, I needed understanding," Lorelai shook, "Don't you get that, Mother?"

"Oh, I get it," Emily raised her chin, "You seem to live a perfectly happy life, far away from us."

"Well, aren't you happy," Lorelai grit her teeth, "Now we have to do these nonsense Friday dinners. God help me I'll pay back that loan, the sooner the better."

"Well, fine. You have your precious pride, and I have my weekly dinners. See? We both win."

Emily turned on her heel and left the kitchen. Lorelai looked longingly at the knife in the sink, then at the cake. She picked up the spoon from the floor, wiped it with her jumper, took a couple bites.

"Aargh, that's better," Lorelai took a deep breath, "I am getting sooo fat."

SCENE 14

Lorelai and Rory stood outside the front door in the cold.

"Mom?" Rory glanced.

"It's the chocolate round my mouth, isn't it," Lorelai shrugged. "I should wipe it off, but I don't care."

"How about I buy you a cup of coffee?" Rory asked.

"That sound suit," Lorelai raised her nose, then smiled, "But you drive. I can't drive. I don't actually have a license."

Rory laughed. "Yes, you do. It's in your purse."

"Well, Lorelai does," Lorelai coughed.

SCENE 15

Lorelai and Rory walked on the footpath in Stars Hollow up to Luke's Diner.

"So," said Rory, "Nice dinner at the grandparents' house."

"They haven't changed, the place hasn't changed," Lorelai sighed, "It's getting to grips with having to go there each Friday that's a real buzzkill."

"You and grandma seemed to have a nice talk."

Lorelai sighed, "I thought all that fighting was beyond me. I thought I could live here and just barely ever see them. I'm sorry you had to hear that."

Lorelai opened the door to Luke's. Lorelai and Rory sat down at a table.

Rory began: "I think it was really brave of you to ask them for money."

"Let's just move on," Lorelai smiled.

"You know, I can't let a perfectly good plaid skirt go to waste… "

Lorelai reached over and squeezed Rory's hand. "You won't be sorry. You'll do this for you, not for me?"

"Yes," Rory giggled and blushed, "For me."

Luke came over with a notepad. He wasn't wearing his cap and he wore a dress shirt.

"Gosh," Lorelai looked Luke up and down, "As the kids say, you look aiite."

Rory looked from Lorelai to Luke.

"I had a meeting at the bank," Luke gestured, "They like collars."

"I'll leave that one," Lorelai mimed zipping her mouth shut.

"You look good, too," Luke gestured.

Lorelai glanced down at herself, then up at Luke.

"There should be something funny I say… but thank you. If that sounds heartfelt enough to be genuine."

Luke checked his notepad, "So what'll ya have?"

"Coffee. Ya know. The lifeblood of the Puritan democracy. What is Puritan? Is it a sect of religion? Why do people pray up? Is it because holding your hands down hurts?"

Rory took the bullet: "I'll have coffee also. And chilli fries."

Luke shook his head. "That's quite a refined palate you've got there."

Lorelai watched Luke go back behind the counter.

"Well, he looks near normal," Lorelai shrugged, "And coming from me, that's almost a compliment. Like, one that I mean. Not one I just say and see what the results are and then backtrack if it's offensive."

Lorelai watched Rory. "I guess this is where I ask you about the mystery man?"

"I like our relationship," began Rory, "We understand boundaries."

"You know I care nothing about anyone - almost anyone," Lorelai smiled, "And the normal fixture of this routine, the splay of mind, the delicacy of my tongue forms the question, tell me about the guy. Because that is my purpose in life."

"Mom!"

"Is he a total spunk or is he, like, not? Is he drinking from the Kool-Aid? Does he possess tighty whities? Also - "

"Ugh, that's so Playboy channel."

"I'm gunna find out anyway," Lorelai took a deep breath, "You know, I used to stalk my ex boyfriends. I'm kinda a pro…"

Luke came by their table with their order: "Coffee. Fries."

"Rory, please put down that cup of coffee. The last person in the world you want to be like is your Mom."

"Sorry," Rory smiled with dimples, "Too late."

"Oh - oh," Lorelai glanced to Luke, "Surely there are other worse people than me."

Luke chuckled, "Not many."

"She could grow up to be Robert Mugabe," Lorelai shrugged, "I heard he's not a good guy. Oh, or Bush? You know, political fodder."

Luke frowned. "Do you read current events?"

"Not at all," Lorelai shook her head, "I watch a couple seconds, then I go on forums so I know how to think. I'm a total troll. I don't know anything… "

"That doesn't surprise me," said Luke, leaving the table.

Lorelai glanced at Rory. "So. You'll have to tell me about the guy - because my love life is starved… "

"Ick!"

"You know I have a lot on my mind," Lorelai smiled. "I am living through you. So I'll do what I do with everyone - I'll tell you what you're thinking. The guy is Mark Wahlberg, or someone like that actor. That guy with the eyes. You know what I'm thinking about."

"Not for the first time, I don't know what you're talking about, Mom."

"Oh, it's fine, kiddo," Lorelai laughed, "I don't either. I'm just passing time until it all ends."