SCENE 1
Lorelai and Rory sat on the sofa on the porch of their house.
"Did you know if I was so inclined," began Lorelai, "I could eat this nail polish?"
"Mom," Rory complained, "You can't eat nail polish."
"Well not me, but I've always wondered, what happens to people who eat paint?"
Rory stared. "People who eat paint?"
"Yeah," Lorelai set the nail polish down, "Hear me out."
"I'm listening… "
"I mean if someone were to eat paint - "
Rory stared, "Yes?"
"Well," Lorelai shrugged with a huff, "It'd be very interesting to know what would happen."
"Why?" Rory frowned. "Your insides would be ruined."
"No, no - " Lorelai laughed, "That's not the point."
"I think it kinda is," said Rory, "That's why there's the warning on the can."
"But people do it," Lorelai nodded.
"People?" Rory asked. "People who?"
"I'm sure someone's eaten paint," Lorelai shrugged, "Don't they regret it?"
"I'm sure they do," Rory nodded, "Can we get back to me, please?"
"Fine, it's your turn," Lorelai rolled her eyes.
"Good," said Rory, "Because I'm looking forward to my first day of Chilton."
"Oh, right," said Lorelai, "Well, you'll have to have your nails polished."
"Why? I'll be wearing shoes," said Rory.
"No, you're not," Lorelai finger wagged, leaning over the couch, "Ta-da!"
"Oh - my - god," Rory stared.
"I know, right," Lorelai presented a pair of shoes with the front part cut off, "I got them done special. They're croc-chic."
"Mom! You ruined my school shoes!"
"Everyone will be talking about them," Lorelai sniffed, "That's what it means to be fashionable. This one time, at band camp, Regina George had holes cut in her shirt, and everyone could see her bra and it totally caught on at Junior West High."
Rory waved a hand in front of Lorelai. "I'm not sure you know what you're talking about."
"Oh, well," Lorelai shrugged, "What is that noise?"
Lane came running up from the side of the house. "Guys - guys - new CD - "
"Ohhh my god I lurrve music," Lorelai leapt up, tipped the nail polish all over Rory.
"Mo-om!" Rory cried.
"Who cares," Lorelai shouted, "You'll be wearing shoes anyway!"
The silhouette of Lorelai came up from the curtains, and the radio blasted.
"Oh, no," Lorelai tutted, and switched the song, "I thought we were listening to something I liked."
Rory stayed on the porch, frozen.
"But - " Lane paused, "Hello! Volume 2!"
"No, no," Lorelai shook her head, "Trust me, there's this single that isn't even out yet - I'll reenact it for you - "
"OK… " Lane said dispiritedly.
"One, two - and a one two three four," Lorelai banged invisible drums, "It's Friday, Friday - gotta get down on Frii-dayyy…"
If you're out on the road…
SCENE 2
Lorelai is sleeping in her bed until Rory opens the door.
"Mom!"
"Rory," Lorelai shouted, "I can use names, too."
"What are you doing?"
"I'm enjoying a cosy see-es-ta. That's Latin. That's a made up language. No one is real."
Rory leaned in, "I thought you were up. It's seven ten."
Lorelai sat up. "Rory, time is an invention by the Aztecs."
"It's seven ten!"
"If you don't believe in anything, nothing exists," Lorelai sniffed and shrugged, "Hummmmmm…. "
Rory raised her voice "It's seven ten!"
"Fine, that's three wishes Jafar, I can't dispel you anymore," Lorelai waved.
Rory held up the alarm clock to Lorelai's face.
"That," said Lorelai, "is a male invention. OK I see your expression."
Lorelai got up and look around for clothes.
"I can't be late for my first day of school!" Rory followed Lorelai around the room, "Do you know what happens to people when they're late for their first day of school?"
"OK, I got this," Lorelai turned and smiled, "How about I jump out the window?"
Rory stared, "What?"
Lorelai lifted the window and started climbing out. "I'll fly, I promise - "
Rory dragged Lorelai back in and led her down the hallway. "We have to go!"
Lorelai shut herself into the bathroom while Rory waited outside.
"You know I don't like all this urgency," said Lorelai, "I can't think when I'm not on my best behavior. How can I sustain us with quips and glories and food?"
Lorelai opened the door.
"Ohhh my gawd," Lorelai did the Home Alone face, "Clothes. I don't have any."
"Yes, you do," Rory led Lorelai into the closet.
"Nooo," Lorelai started rifling through her clothes, "OK, so I have my gimp outfit at the cleaners. I wanted to go as a sexy maid. You know, I could infiltrate Chilton-Hogwarts, and become a pariah - "
Rory followed Lorelai: "Seven fifteen!"
"All this urgency is making it difficult to joke, Lorelai Rory Gilmore," Lorelai shook her head, "Even I can't come up with a joke when you're pushing me like this!"
"Seven sixteen!"
"Oh, oh, I got it," Lorelai picked up her plastic laundry hamper with little slats cut out all around it, and put it on her head. "OK, and this goes with… "
"Seven seventeen!"
"Don't ruin it!" Lorelai tripped over, peeped through the slats of her hamper-helmet, and pushed Rory out the door, "My outfit's almost done, I promise!"
Rory stomped downstairs. "Seven eighteen!"
Lorelai took a sheet off the bed and made it a sort of gown, tying it with her dressing gown cord. She found two buckets, and used them as shoes. She put socks on both of her hands.
"OK, here I come… "
Rory glanced up, "It's seven - "
Lorelai fell down the stairs, tripping on her bucket-feet, her hamper-head hitting the wall and bouncing her off. She gripped with sock hands for the balustrades. She glanced through the slats of her laundry hamper. "What?"
"You can-not be serious," Rory stared. "What are you doing? You're wearing… buckets… on your feet? Mom? And take that off - "
"No!" Lorelai held the hamper in place, "It's my protective vessel."
Rory snatched at Lorelai's hands. "Take those socks off."
"No!" Lorelai put her hands in her hamper, "These - "
Lorelai took a step in her bucket-feet, tripped, and with no hands to hold out, she crashed to the floor with her hamper-head.
"Mom," Rory stared, "Even for you, this is… "
"It's an improvement, I know," Lorelai nudged her hands out of her hamper-head, scrabbling with her sock-hands for the couch and slipping. "Mommy needs help."
Rory came forward. Lorelai held out her sock hands.
"No! Mommy does not need help," Lorelai pushed against the ground and uneasily stood up. "See? It's wearable fashion. If you can wear it, you can wear it! I know Vogue."
"Mom - "
Lorelai stomped on her bucket-feet across to a table. "And you can take these baby photos - "
Lorelai spun the framed pictures like frisbees where they crashed against the fireplace. Lorelai heaved a sigh. "OK, I need a coffee."
SCENE 3
Rory was driving through Star's Hollow. Lorelai was sitting in the passenger seat, wearing a hamper-head, waving with sock-hands, uncomfortably her two feet were in buckets which barely fit in the space.
Lorelai used her sock hands to wind down the window, trying to poke her hamper-head out the window but it wouldn't fit. She stared through the slats of her hamper-head.
"Hello, cit-i-zens!"
The people on the sidewalk stared.
SCENE 4
Rory drove into Chilton and parked in the forecourt. Rory and Lorelai looked up at the building.
Rory spoke first: "So how do I look?"
"Well," Lorelai gestured to herself; her hamper-head, socks on her hands, the bedsheet that was tied around her waist with a dressing gown cord, her bucket-feet. "I mean, you don't look as good as me."
Rory glanced, "You're kidding, right?"
"No," Lorelai smiled, "I'll have to get you a similar outfit. But we can't clash, oh no. We won't end up in the society pages. This is a you-neek look. It's one of a kind. There, I said it."
"You have to go in with me!"
Lorelai looked down at herself. "Rory… "
"You have to meet the headmaster!"
"Well, look at me!"
Rory glanced down at Lorelai.
Lorelai continued: "I can't meet anybody who does anything in there!"
"Mom!"
"No," Lorelai began to panic, "I'm too pretty! You know what happens to girls who are too pretty, don't you? They get mocked, furiously!"
"This is my first day! You are not getting out of going in there with me!"
Rory got out of the driver's seat, came round the other side of the car and opened the passenger door. Lorelai dangled a bucket-leg out and gripped the side of the car with her sock-hand.
"C'mon, Mom," Rory blew her fringe out of her face.
Lorelai, grabbing onto the side of the car with her sock-hand, dangled the other bucket-leg out; with both bucket-legs she slid from the car seat and crashed onto her hamper-helmet onto the forecourt. Teachers and student stared as they walked by.
Lorelai pushed up with her sock-hands from the forecourt, her hamper-helmet nudging Rory who folded her arms. Lorelai unsteadily stood on her bucket-feet, setting her hamper-helmet into place.
"My gown is hiking up," Lorelai sniffed, "I'd appreciate a costume help."
"Fine," Rory stomped over, and pulled the sheet back into place, and re-tied the cord of the dressing gown cord around the bedsheet. "Better?"
"No one noticed, right?" Lorelai gave herself a little frisson.
Lorelai walked in bucket-feet, the scraping against the stone tiles, and Rory slowed her pace, sighing in frustration. Lorelai nodded with her hamper-helmet to students and teachers she passed. She waved with her sock-hands.
"Maybe she's born with it," Lorelai smiled and shrugged to a passing teacher, "You can't see me in here, but I'm actually quite normal."
"Mom," Rory tugged Lorelai's arm, and Lorelai stumbled in her bucket-feet, "We go to the Ambrose building - "
"I know geography," Lorelai sniffed, moving as fast as she could in bucket-feet, "You know, the world was flat until they invented it."
"What?"
"The world," Lorelai sniffed, "Oh, that reminds me. Did you know when I was at school, they asked us what we were most grateful to God for, and I said the Spice Girls."
"Mom - "
"Oh, oh, I've got another," Lorelai cleared her throat, "And when we were given an assignment to find out how something was invented, the teacher didn't like my assignment because I asked who invented hair."
A guy walked over to them: "Lost?"
"Ah-ha," Lorelai nodded, "Yes, I know Lost. It was in the jungle. We are not lost. That is my contribution."
"That," said the man, "Is quite a look."
"Well, they do say go asymmetrical… ha-ha," Lorelai laughed, "But what is it? Asinine?"
The man looked from Rory to Lorelai. "Pardon?"
"Androgynous? No… it's an A word," Lorelai mused, "Sometimes I never quite get my thoughts together. But there's an A word."
"I can think of one," piped up Rory.
"If you're looking for the Ambrose building, it's right here," said the man, gesturing.
"Oh, thank you," Lorelai nodded, "You know, it's always safe to have help. Can you imagine, some people go in caves, those small ones? Your body gets so trapped. I wouldn't like to be there. I shouldn't even be here."
Lorelai stood still but swung her body from side to side, her sock hands in the air, peering through the slats of her hamper-helmet.
"Everyone says I'm insane but really, what is in a word? Bluebell?" Lorelai shrugged, "Did you know - "
"Excuse me," Rory piped up, "We've really got to go… "
"Yes, and I have to go to work," Lorelai nodded her hamper-helmet, "I work at the Inn-dependence Inn. See? That's a catatonic. Or what is it? It's the one with the two meanings… simile, smile? Metaphor? It always sounded like Metapod… "
Lorelai cleared her throat.
"Well, I run it," Lorelai gestured with her sock-hands, "In a different outfit, sadly. I need to bring en-light-en-ment to the masses. It's just such a shame. I'll never wear normal clothes again."
"Well… " the man pulled at his collar, "It was nice to meet you Lorelai. Good luck at school, Rory. I'll tell Juliet to look out for you."
"No!" Lorelai shielded her daughter, standing bucket-feet spread, sock arms spread to either side, "Juliet died. She ate a rose then her man came to revive her, but he wasn't satisfied. Huh, men."
Rory came up to Lorelai as the man walked away.
"You're feeling pretty good about yourself, aren't you?"
"Well, I have to try," scoffed Lorelai, her hamper-head bobbing, "I mean, I don't feel as good as I look."
SCENE 5
Lorelai and Rory entered Chilton. Lorelai dragged her bucket-feet as fast as she could. The room was wide and open with a staircase leading down.
"OK," Lorelai glanced down, "This is going to be a bit of a trip."
"Mom," said Rory, "You have to take those buckets off your feet."
"That is too logical," said Lorelai, scraping the woodwork as she dragged her bucket-feet over, holding the railing with her sock-hand, "If you trust in Jesus - "
Lorelai's bucket-foot stabbed out, her other bucket-foot slipped, and she roly-polied down the stairs. Paris and her two friends stared. Lorelai turned over with difficulty.
"Hamlet never said anything about breaking a few eggs," Lorelai sighed, "Was it Humpty? Can I ask you a question, what would Humpty Dumpty have tasted like? Was he really an egg? 'Cos eggs can't talk."
Lorelai lifted one bucket leg in the air, her dressing-gown-robe belted gown precariously slipping.
She continued: "Admit me to Chilton, one ticket please. I go on all the rides which means I'm fun which means people must like me now."
Rory, hurrying down the stairs, offered her hand.
"Rory, your hand feels so normal," Lorelai grabbed with her sock-hand, and Rory took her mother's hand, and pulled her up.
Lorelai adjusted her bucket-feet, her hamper-helmet rattling over her head, and the look from Paris could not be more severe.
Lorelai concluded: "OK, let's go. The coffee I never had is wearing off."
SCENE 6
Lorelai and Rory walked down the corridor at Chilton. Lorelai's bucket feet weighed her down but she was determined to reach normal walking speed. The gown had hiked up and to twists and pulls, a remedy was sought.
Lorelai and Rory stared at the door.
Lorelai began: "Did you know - "
"I'm ready," said Rory, opening the door and entering.
There was a woman sitting at a desk inside. Lorelai shuffled over with her bucket-feet. The woman slowly glanced up, glancing down her spectacles, distaste evident on her expression.
"I'm normal," said Lorelai, nodding with her hamper-helmet, "This is my daughter. She's real, I didn't make her up."
The woman stared.
"I'm sorry," said Lorelai, "But I'm out of material. Is the headmaster here?"
The woman rose, distaste lingering, "One moment… "
The woman went through the double doors and disappeared.
"But in all seriousness, though," Lorelai glanced to Rory through her hamper-helmet, "You're gunna kill it in there."
The double doors opened, and the woman reappeared. "Headmaster Charleston will see you now."
Lorelai and Rory walked into the office, and the woman closed the double doors behind them. Hanlin Charleston stood gaping.
"I am Lorelai the Fifth," Lorelai cleared her throat, "What is fifth, anyway? Did you know, we could all disappear in a moment?"
"Uh… " Hanlin offered his hand, glancing to the couch as he did so, "You must be Rory's mother."
"I wasn't dressed like this when I had her," Lorelai shook her head, "Mmm, no. I mean, I tried to get her dressed like me. Just look at her shoes!"
The three of them glanced down, Rory's shoes had the front top cut off so her toes were peeking out, and when they glanced up, Lorelai and Rory noticed Emily standing there.
"What - " Emily placed a hand on her heart, "What - are you wearing?"
"I like it," Lorelai spun, tripped on her bucket-feet, and landed on her hamper-helmet.
Emily exchanged a look of mortification with Hanlin. Rory helped Lorelai up to her bucket-feet.
"Oh, I just got an idea," said Lorelai, glancing around the room, "I just got an idea."
Lorelai skidded over the wooden floors to where Hanlin had a pitcher of water on his desk. She picked it up, and began pouring half into each of her bucket-feet.
"Lorelai!" Emily raised her voice. "What has gotten into you?"
"See?" Lorelai spun, the pitcher flew out of her hand, it smashed against the fireplace, "It's a water feature!"
Lorelai tried to move but her bucket-feet were cold and more weighed down.
"OK, I've got it," Lorelai splish-sploshed in her bucket-feet over to the fireplace.
She began reaching for the fire with her sock hands.
"Mom!" Rory pulled her back. "Can you please be serious for once?"
"My hands are cold," Lorelai pouted, "OK, what are we on, what's happening, what are we talking about?"
"I was - er - " Hanlin paused, "Well, you know, Rory, your grandfather and I play golf together."
Lorelai interjected, "Can I Just Ask - "
"No," Emily took Lorelai's arm in an iron grip, and hissed, "You look ridiculous. What are you wearing on your head? Why are you wearing a bedsheet? How did you even get here?"
"Rory drove," Lorelai whined, "What, I'm an adult. I need a rest sometimes."
Emily forced Lorelai to sit down on the couch. Lorelai's hamper-helmet bobbed, her bucket-feet were getting colder, and she put her sock-hands sedately in her lap.
"Ya know," Lorelai shrugged, her hamper-helmet wobbling as Hanlin stared, "It's laundry day."
"Well," said Emily, "We shouldn't take anymore of your precious time… "
Emily walked over to the sofa, wrenched Lorelai up from the sofa, and dragged Lorelai - splish-sploshing in her bucket-feet - from the room.
SCENE 7
Emily walked out into the corridor. Lorelai, splish-splashing in her bucket-feet, tried to keep up. Emily turned and stared derisively.
"What were you thinking, leaving the house like that?"
Lorelai struggled to keep up, "It was absolutely planned this way, Mother."
"And on Rory's first day of school? What kind of an impression did you think you were going to make?"
"Hey," snapped Lorelai, "It's gotta be about me sometimes, ya know."
"I came here for Rory," Emily withered, "You'd think I'm not allowed."
"Anyone's allowed," Lorelai splish-sploshed, "Oh, dear."
Lorelai stopped at the staircase. Emily glanced down.
"Will you please take your feet out of those buckets?"
"Mother," Lorelai folded her sock-arms, "These buckets are mine - oh! I just thought of an idea!"
Emily paused. "What?"
"I'll throw these buckets of water at you!"
Emily was already hurrying up the staircase, her heels clacking, her handbag waving side to side.
"Oh," Lorelai bent down, held onto one bucket with her sock-hands, and shivered as she lifted her foot out of the bucket.
"God that's cold," Lorelai shook out her spare leg, and held onto the other bucket with her sock-hands.
She pulled her other leg free, both feet bare, freezing, and two buckets filled with water.
"This is really gonna slow me down."
Lorelai took off the hamper-helmet and tossed it down the corridor, bouncing. She now had only the bed sheet tied with a dressing gown cord, and sock-hands.
She picked up the two buckets, weighed down considerably as she carried them up the staircase.
"Maybe one," Lorelai let one of the buckets drop, and the bucket dropped and water spilled all over the staircase and onto the wooden floor.
Barefoot, wearing a bedsheet, carrying one bucket of water, Lorelai climbed the staircase. The front doors had already stopped flapping when Lorelai pushed them open.
Emily was in her car, halfway down the driveway, and glanced out the window.
"Dinner - Friday night - no buckets, please!"
SCENE 8
Lorelai wore normal clothes and was walking on the footpath, coming up to Luke's and then she entered the diner. She lay her drycleaning on the stool.
"You would not believe what I wore today," Lorelai cleared her throat, "I'll be in Us Style magazine. Yep. I'm for free press, I'm always available, I have no twins."
Luke was fiddling with a toaster, "There's no coffee."
"Can't you just grab some oil?" Lorelai glanced up from under her lashes, "You know. Anything black. Do you have black colour dye? How long does it last? How long does paint last? Do you have black paint? Can you heat up black paint, is that how tar is made?"
"I'll get you coffee," Luke went into the back, and returned with a pot of coffee.
"That could be oil, that could be tar, bada-bing," Lorelai did spirit fingers, "Did you know, nobody actually pays me for this? My services are for free. I could be a bard with a ballad. That's a simile."
Luke stared, "So what happened this morning?"
"OK, so hear me out," Lorelai pushed her palms out, "I got dressed, but I decided to shake things up a bit."
"Un-hunh."
"I wore a hamper-helmet over my head - "
Luke glanced up. "A what?"
"It's like a Tamagotchi but it's not electronic. What is a Tamagotchi, is it a hamster? What's that anime where it's a hamster?"
"Just continue," Luke karate-chop gestured.
"Well," Lorelai cleared her throat, "Then I put on sock-hands - "
"Sock… hands?"
"They were purple and white," Lorelai nodded, "Then I wore a bedsheet - "
"A bedsheet?" Luke stared. "I can't believe this!"
"What?" Lorelai stared.
"Please tell me you did not go to Rory's school wearing… sock-hands… and a bedsheet!"
Lorelai shrugged, "It's only difficult to imagine because I'm in my normal fare."
"And - and - " Luke took a deep breath, "You wore a hamper-helmet?"
Lorelai held up a finger. "And buckets. Buckets on my feet-sies."
Luke held up his hands. "Alright, you're joking."
"No," Lorelai scathed, "I'm not."
"Pur-leese. There is no way you showed up to Chilton in a hamper-helmet, a bed sheet - sock hands - and buckets on your feet. You would be taken to the looney bin."
"Looney Tunes, the swirl is with you," Lorelai spun on the bar stool, it fell backwards and she crashed on the floor. She pulled the bar stool closed with her legs and interlocked her legs with the framing of the stool, "What is Tarzan - Tasmanian Devil. Is that real? Also what is Blooper - Pooper- "
"Blooper - Pooper?" Luke hurried to assist, "Get up off that floor. Are you hurt?"
"Only my feelings," Lorelai showed her teeth and exhaled, "You see, I have coffee breath. Cof-fee, cof-fee… "
SCENE 9
Lorelai walked past Miss Patty's ballet school.
"Oh, hey, Lorelai," Miss Patty called, "Isn't today Rory's first day of school?"
"No, but it could be," Lorelai mused, "Hmm. Kids. Where will they go. Do you know - "
"No," Miss Patty's eyes widened.
Lorelai held up a finger and nodded, "Yes, it's my turn to speak. You know the Magic School Bus? How does it fly?"
"Lorelai - I heard about what you wore when Rory drove you to Chilton," Miss Patty tutted, "You know, there are some things a lady doesn't appear in public in."
"It never happened," Lorelai smiled, "See? And now we ignore and repress it, and life move on. I've decided."
"Well, honey - it happened - "
"Nope," Lorelai came to the driver's side of her Jeep, "I decide what the truth is. Can you imagine? If I let other people decide the truth, I'd be kicked out of the group."
SCENE 10
Lorelai parked in the driveway of her house. She got out with dry cleaning, ran up to the house, opened the front door, heard the phone ring, and snatched for it as she chucked her drycleaning as far as she could across the room.
"I'm alive, the air is real, three rings means there's a four," Lorelai answered.
"Lorelai?" Emily's voice came down the line, "I'm going shopping for Rory and I'm going to pick up a few things."
"Like what?"
"You know. She needs new clothes for school. I'll buy her skirts and tops."
"Thank god," said Lorelai, "OK, here's the deal. She needs all new stuff."
"Well, good," said Emily, "Why? Doesn't she have enough?"
"Her shirts are a problem," said Lorelai.
"Why? What's wrong with them?"
"Um, I cut the buttons off."
"You didn't."
"Yep! And I cut off the little breast pocket thingy."
"Lorelai!"
Lorelai held out her hands. "Hold up. Now she'll also need new skirts."
"Why? Did you cut those up, too?"
"No," Lorelai scoffed, "I superglued them together."
"You did what?"
"I thought it was an art project!" said Lorelai, "I superglued the edges together. Now when she puts her skirt on, she can sit cross legged, and if she's the chosen one, she'll hover to school. I won't need to drive at all! Especially wearing my outfit."
"Lorelai, this is serious!"
"OK, I didn't do any of those things," Lorelai squinted and smiled, "But doesn't it tell you a lot about me that I want to try some of those things? OK, OK, give me another."
"Chilton has some of these special socks," Emily paused, "Don't tell me she wears them on her hands like you."
"Of course not," said Lorelai.
"Or superglue them shut!"
"Mom, that is so passe," Lorelai scoffed, "I cut another hole in them."
"What?"
Lorelai nodded, "That way, no matter which side they come out of the washing machine, she'll be wearing them the right way up until her foot goes through the other side."
"Lorelai, I called you to today to talk about your daughter's clothing needs. She obviously needs help in this area given your attention span."
"I'm plenty attention-ed!"
"It is a simple answer you could give me."
"No, Mom," Lorelai shook her head, "Mmm-mmm. That is the last thing I can give you or anyone. Simple is not a word I'm well acquainted with."
SCENE 11
Lorelai walked into the inn's kitchen, "Hello… "
"Oh, well don't you look nice," Sookie smiled.
"It rides up like hell," Lorelai sighed, "Hi Jackson. What are we eating today?"
Sookie thrust a peach at Lorelai. "Try this."
Lorelai took a bite, and without chewing, promptly spat the piece as far as she could. Sookie and Jackson watched the display and turned back to Lorelai, who smiled.
"Mmm, it's nice," Lorelai shrugged, turning to Sookie. "Back to you."
Sookie bent down and rolled a peach on the floor. "They're rolling differently - "
"OK, let me try," Lorelai lay on the floor opposite Sookie, facing the peach.
Lorelai blew with spittle but the peach remained still. Lorelai slumped against the floor.
Jackson turned to Sookie, "Sookie, the peaches, please?"
Lorelai got up off the floor and Michel walked in and frowned at Lorelai.
"There's a phone call for you. If I'm to fetch you like a dog, I'd like a cookie and a raise."
"Yeah," Lorelai said, "I don't know how to work with that, I'm outta ideas."
SCENE 12
Lorelai walked into the foyer and answered the phone behind the desk.
"Mom, you're breaking up," Lorelai glanced over the desk, her hand covering the mouthpiece, "Drella? Drella? Mom, hold on."
Lorelai opened a drawer in the desk, pulled out a pair of scissors. She walked over to Drella playing the harp, and cut one of the strings.
"Hey!"
"Yeah, ya snooze, ya lose," Lorelai chucked the scissors over her shoulder.
She picked up the phone. "Mom?"
"I just wanted you to know that I bought Rory a parking space at Chilton."
"Good," Lorelai snorted, "Cos I've bought her a forklift. Her high vis jacket arrives on Tuesday."
"Lorelai!"
"Just kidding," Lorelai shook her head and laughed, "I've got her one of those tricycles. It's pink and she'll have to push with her legs to get to Chilton. She'll be so rad."
"I never regret not picking up the phone to chat with you."
"This is how I am, baby. Bada-bing, ah!" Lorelai screamed, "I almost had a heart attack, I'm so funny. Did you know - "
Lorelai heard a dial tone and hung up the phone, dispirited.
SCENE 13
Lorelai stood in the foyer, between an earnest valet and a disgruntled customer.
"OK," Lorelai held up her hand, "I'll be frank with you. I don't understand at all."
The customer exploded, "This is a brand new car! He brings the car up, and it's scratched!
The valet blurted, "I just backed the car up - "
"I'd know if my car was scratched before I parked it or not!"
Lorelai poked her head in. "Hi, hello, remember me, focal point of the stor-ee?"
The customer and valet stared.
"So," Lorelai took a deep breath, "I will look at your car personally and I will make lunch for you myself on the house!"
"Well… call me impressed," the customer smiled.
"Oh, yes," Lorelai nodded, "Now you go ferret on so I can get to work doing all those things I said I would do!"
The customer headed off, the valet began to freak out.
"Derek," said Lorelai, "You're much too young for me but probably you're older than you look but I'm not taking any chances. I want you to take these keys."
Derek paused. "The keys to the guy's car? He won't let me near it."
Lorelai shrugged, "I have to look at the car. What I want you to do is to drive it in to the pond."
"Into… the pond?"
"Super!" Lorelai did the double thumbs up. "Swim out when the water gets too high. You know, just in case you are older than you look and thus legal for constitution."
Lorelai took a deep breath and walked into the kitchen. She went into the pantry and pulled out a bowl, and then opened a bag of dog biscuits. She took out a couple and found a cheese grater.
Next, she held the cheese grater over the bowl, and began grating the dog biscuits into the bowl.
Lorelai went into the staff bathroom, and dipped the bowl of grated dog biscuits into the toilet water.
She then went into the staff closet, opened one of the lockers, retrieved a can of deodorant, and sprayed half the bottle into the watery, powdered-dog-biscuit mix.
Lorelai saw a plate of food almost ready to go out to the dining room. She picked up a little 1-cup measuring cup, and dolloped several onto the plate of food, the toilet water seeping into the salad, the powdered dog biscuits sprinkled like turmeric, the deodorant smell quite strong.
"Excuse me," Lorelai tapped a waiter on the shoulder, "Send this out to the guy I was talking to, the customer."
The waiter picked up the plate and nodded. Lorelai smiled, and then she quickened her pace out of the kitchen and into the foyer and ran for the front door.
SCENE 14
Lorelai entered Luke's Diner, and Luke whizzed past.
"What are you doing here?"
Lorelai stared. "Ya know, I'm sure a lot of people ask that question. I'm sure a lot of people ask themselves a lot of quest-e-o-nays."
Lorelai sat at the counter and Luke poured her coffee.
"Free! I love free," Lorelai slurped her coffee, "That means I don't have to do anything for it, and I don't feel guilty."
"My blood sugar's low," said Luke.
"Let me help you with that," Lorelai began twisting the top off a salt shaker.
She turned it upside down into her coffee and swished it around.
Luke stared. "What are you doing?"
"You think I'll make you drink it," Lorelai smiled, "Can you imagine if I drank it?"
"What? Are you crazy?"
"If you get boring I'll drink it," Lorelai raised the mug, "Now dance, monkey, dance!"
Lorelai jumped as her phone began ringing. "That means I have to di-vert."
Luke pointed to the sign on the wall behind him which read 'no cell phones'.
"I can't reach to deal with that one," Lorelai shook her head, "Hello, hi, I charge by the minute."
Lorelai listened and nodded and hung up. "I have to go!"
She pulled some cash out of her purse but Luke held up her hand.
"Keep it. Nobody'll drink that now."
"Did you know," smiled Lorelai, "Dogs don't think what they're drinking, I could give this to a dog."
Luke stared and Lorelai leaned over and poured out the coffee in the bin which had a bin liner within.
"What are you doing?" Luke shouted.
"The bin liner re-tains the liquid," Lorelai jumped back in time but Luke snatched the mug off her.
"OK," Lorelai spun cash off her hand, "But I am taking some of this weird ginger cake thing under this lid."
Lorelai lifted the lid off a cake display, took a fistful of the cake, and only satisfied herself with barely a bite for the rest was crunched within her fist or spilled in crumbs onto the floor.
"Dang-it!" cried Lorelai, scrambling for the exit at the look at Luke's face. "You better earn that dollar when I next come here! Did you know, I could pay you in Monopoly money if you're not looking. OK - I see by that your expression means I should leave. So I will."
SCENE 15
Lorelai pulled up to her house. Babette and Mory sat in fold out chairs on their front lawn. Babette was holding a cat when she stood up and walked to Lorelai.
"I'm so sorry to call you like this," Babette wore a pained expression.
"That's OK," Lorelai took the cat out of Babette's hands, "This is mine now, but please go on."
Babette glanced to Mory and turned back to Lorelai.
"All I know is they come out of the van, doing all sorts of shady stuff!"
Mory nodded, "And they kicked the gnome."
"OK, leave that one with me," Lorelai mused, "I'm gonna have to think of something to go with that."
Lorelai walked across the lawn with the cat in her arms, who struggled in vain to escape.
"I'm gonna call you Pebbles. I had a cat called Pebbles," sighed Lorelai, "You're mine, you're going to wear a tracking device, and I will love you till the day you die."
A man was on Lorelai's porch as she stepped up the little steps.
"Excuse me!" Lorelai called. "I see by your yellow helmet that you are a Minion."
The man turned, "I'm supposed to install a DSL?"
"A Dehydrated Suction Lengthometer?" Lorelai shrugged. "No? Then just the standard… Density Serpent Luxury? 'Cos I can only do so many of these before I run out."
"I have an order for a Lorelai Gilmore, is that you?"
"Many would disagree," Lorelai winked at the man, "But for the purposes of your conversation, I must com-ply."
"I was looking for a key in the ceramic frog but we couldn't find a frog."
"OK, so hold up," Lorelai put the cat down, "Ugh. OK, so if I hid a key… "
Lorelai peered with one hand shielded her eyes, the other arm wrapped around the column, hanging off, one leg perched on the stair, the other flyaway.
"Hmm… I would probably hide it… " Lorelai searched. "Maybe behind a piece of bark in a tree. Not good? Some of my jokes will fall flat, you know."
"The order was placed by an Emily Gilmore," suggested Mick-Kirk.
"Can you leave?" Lorelai stared, "There's nothing more substantial we can discuss."
"Alright," said Mick-Kirk, he and his friend leaving.
Lorelai saw that the cat had already crossed the lawn and got back into Babette's arms where she sat in the fold out chair beside Mory.
"Hon, is there a problem?" Babette called.
"It's my life, there's always problems," said Lorelai, crossing the lawn and getting into her Jeep, "But you know, if you just keep driving, you'll either crash, or you'll go somewhere. If you run out of gas in the middle of nowhere, then naturally you have to kill yourself."
SCENE 16
Lorelai entered a hair salon.
"Excuse me," asked the receptionist, "Can I help you?"
"If it isn't clear now," said Lorelai as she walked, glancing over her shoulder, "I'm beyond help."
Lorelai spied Emily sitting in a chair reading a magazine. Lorelai put her face up close to Emily's with puppy dog eyes and Emily startled and held her hand to heart.
"Hello, hi, mother, you are here, I'm still existing god forbid."
Emily glanced up at Lorelai. "What are you doing here?"
"What an existential question, but enough of that," Lorelai sighed, "I don't want the DSL. Actually I do but for the point of this conversation I'm being contentious."
"But Rory needs it for school!"
"No! We have Encarta and Jakarta!"
Emily pursed her lips. "You're being stubborn, as usual."
"And Mavis Beacon, ha! Forgot about that one."
Emily glanced past Lorelai, "Florence, I'm dripping!"
"Now then," Lorelai heaved, "Do they validate parking? Because I don't know what that means."
"There's a stamp - at the desk."
Lorelai frowned. "What does that matter? To quote the guy from Ace Ventura's actor on that red carpet, nothing matters."
SCENE 17
Lorelai was leaning on the back of her Jeep, watching the students pile out of Chilton, and Rory dumped her backpack and hugged Lorelai.
"Thank god," said Rory, "Thank god you're not wearing a bucket on your head!"
"Silly fritter," Lorelai smiled, shaking her head, "I can't drive with a bucket on my head! Ooh! Unless I cut holes in the bucket!"
"So… " Rory continued hugging, "This whole plaid skirt idea - "
"Can I make you a skirt out of curtains?" Lorelai drew back from the hug, "That's pretty much what that one girl from the farm who rode a horse did."
Lorelai picked up the backpack. "You know, once you get past thirty, exercise is impossible. Lugging this is impossible. I think - "
Lorelai walked over to the fountain, and put the backpack inside. She dusted her hands and got into the driver's seat.
"Rory, we'll come back for it tomorrow."
"And you know what," said Rory, "The guys are weird. They kept calling me Mary."
"Mary Boleyn, Henry the something's wife? Or not his wife his you-know-what?" Lorelai shrugged. "Mary from the book where she has four other sisters and one of them marries the guy from Pemberley? Mary quite contrary - did you know, I was quite sulky when I was young. I used to never smile. Now, I always smile, and I'm dead inside!"
SCENE 18
Lorelai and Rory walked together down the post-rain soaked street of Star's Hollow, with the streetlamps lighting up from above.
"Pizza for your thoughts?" Lorelai offered, then snatched it back. "Just kidding! I drown my woes with food. I am ve-ry unhappy. But not really. I only tell people the opposite because then they'd have me committed."
Rory stalled, "I wish I could think of a way to get Paris off my back… "
"You could cut her hair off," Lorelai shrugged, "Then you could cut your hair off, and stitch your hair onto hers. You could make a nice pattern. That could be your contribution to the class. I want it done before it's due tomorrow."
Lorelai sniffed, and continued.
"Also, I had a Paris in high school."
"Really? How did you get rid of her?"
Lorelai shrugged. "I ran away from all my problems?"
Lorelai and Rory reached Luke's diner, looking from the outside in.
"Hey," said Lorelai, "What do you think of Luke? Well, pretend he's wearing a better shirt and doesn't look like he's worked a whole day and doesn't have that odd look on his face."
Rory turned round. "What? Oh no. You cannot date Luke."
"Well, not when he looks like that! But in some lights, some could attribute his motives to some attractive quality. If that makes sense."
"If you date him, you'll break up, and we'll never be able to eat there again."
"I do love my food," nodded Lorelai, "And when you go without it for long enough, you only need food."
"Mom, you can date Al from Al Pancake's world. His food stinks."
"Oh, hon," Lorelai smiled, "At this rate, I'll be lonely for all the world. But who cares? The world keeps spinning, and I keep talking. The end."
