SCENE 1
Lorelai and Rory were seated opposite each other at the table, for Friday night dinner with Emily and Richard.
"Dinner was lovely, Emily," said Richard.
"Mira does make a perfect cassoulet," agreed Emily.
"Mira?" asked Lorelai, turning around. "Mira of House Forrester?"
Emily frowned, "No, our cook."
"Wasn't your cook Heidi from Hansel and Gretel?"
Rory blushed, "Mom - "
"We got rid of her ages ago," said Emily, "She had trouble clo-sing things - "
"Did she close any deals?" Lorelai smiled, "Did she not close your toothpaste? Did she open all the windows but then she realised you she shouldn't have the windows open so she closed them all but by the time you noticed, she was halfway through and it just looked like she had trouble closing things even though she was closing things?"
"Oh, and then there was Sofia. She sang," Emily nodded to Richard.
"Ah!" Lorelai cried, "Heretic!"
Lorelai put her hand on the candle, snatched it back, and the rest half-stood from their seats.
"I'm fine," Lorelai shook her hand as tears came to her eyes, "I'm just happy to win my Oscar."
A maid came into the room holding a white cake thingy with chocolate dripping down the sides.
"I luuurve chocolate," Lorelai smiled and tipped her head back to glance sideways at the maid who frowned, "Thank you, Stephano."
The maid straightened. "It's Sarah."
Lorelai waggled her finger at Sarah. "You can tell where I went wrong."
The room paused.
Lorelai continued: "One is a man and one is a woman."
"Hey, grandma," Rory spoke up, "These plates are really pretty."
Lorelai, struggling with the ability to come up with a joke, scowled to watch the bloodless exchange of conversation.
"Well, thank you, Rory," Emily smiled. "They were your great grandmother's."
Richard beamed, "Lorelai the First."
"Actually, I'm the first, ha-ha," Lorelai smiled bigger, "I win, see that means I win."
Richard frowned, and turned to Rory.
"She was an extremely accomplished equestrian, a distinguished patron of the arts, and world-famous for her masquerade balls. She was quite a woman, my mother."
Lorelai tutted. "Gee, I wish I could be like her. Oh wait, I am! Ha-ha. I'm very special and important your money back free guaranteed."
"Mira," called Emily, "Can you come out here and cut the cake, please?"
"Yes," cried Lorelai, "And please bring a knife to cut the tension. Ah-ha. That's called hu-more."
If you're out on the road…
The Friday night dinner continued.
"So Lorelai," continued Emily, "How are things at that little inn of yours?"
"Let's see," Lorelai screwed up her face, "Well, there was that guest who complained."
Emily stared, "A guest complained?"
"To Be Fair," Lorelai cleared her throat, "There's no conclusive proof why the guest's car ended up in the pond."
Richard leaned in, "In the pond? How did it end up in the pond?"
"Well, it had nothing to do with our new lunch special," said Lorelai, "We're offering hairsprayed grated-dog-biscuits with a side of toilet water, and we no longer get bookings."
Emily glanced to Richard. "It's just one of her jokes."
Lorelai pouted, "I'm serious!"
"Let's dispense with the nonsense," Richard shook his head.
"Ugh," Lorelai folded her arms and sat back in her chair.
Rory blurted, "Mom's having a huge wedding there this week."
Lorelai did the Home Alone face, "What you mean, he Eat No Meat?"
The room stared.
"Big wedding, hello?" Lorelai twirled salad off her fork, "Ooh, tough crowd."
"So Rory," Emily turned, "Anything new at school?"
"Well," admitted Rory, "I have to pick a team sport to play."
Lorelai, straining with the difficulty of thinking up a joke, rocked on her chair.
"Mom says I should go for the debating team," said Rory.
"It's not debating what I call it," Lorelai smiled, "You just spin off enough lies that they don't have time to rebut, and then you win! It's called war of attrition. Also, being crazy helps, because then you never give in!"
Emily ignored Lorelai, "So what other sports?"
"Golf! Golf! Golf!" Lorelai did little dog paws, "I mean, we're all thinking it, but you said it."
"Lorelai," warned Richard.
"Your mother's right," said Emily, turning to Rory, "You can borrow her golf clubs, they're upstairs gathering dust with the rest of her potential."
"Well, that only hurts a lot," Lorelai's eyes dropped, then her smile returned, "See? If I smile, you can't tell if I want to kill you, and if I stick around, I mustn't want to kill you, right? So go on, imbed me, keep me whole, and let's have this conversation in the living room. Or as that one guy on that spy show who did a revenge bride movie said, let's go to the Conversation Room."
Emily got up, "You are the oddest person."
Emily and Lorelai got up from the dining table, and walked across the hallway.
"What is so important it can't wait for cake?"
"Well, nothing, Mother," Lorelai sighed, "But sometimes, conflict has to come first. Actually it always come first."
Emily went into the living room, "This is as far as I can unless you want me to go through the wall."
"Well actually, I ordered a tow truck," Lorelai shook her head, "Let me get back to you on that one, flopped like a pancake. Where are we, what's this, what's the haps?"
"Rory is going with your father to play golf," Emily folded her arms, "I don't see the problem."
"OK, I'll drag this one out," Lorelai cleared her throat, "OK, got nothing."
Lorelai left the house with Rory, amply filled with dinner.
"OK, so," Lorelai began, "I tried my hardest, but um, Mom won, and you have to play golf."
"It's alright - really," Rory rubbed her arm. "Maybe you could come with me?"
"To the golf course?" Lorelai brightened. "You know, I could help."
"Oh dear… you're gonna hit them all with their golf clubs, aren't you?"
"Bright kid, but no. I was thinking before they hit the golf balls into the little hole thingy, I could go there first and lick around the edges of the golf club hole thingy. Can you imagine how much bacteria I'd collect for my science project?"
"Mom… "
SCENE 2
Lorelai at the Independence Inn, was leading a woman and her two daughters across a bridge.
"This isn't the bridge you'll be walking along, oh no," Lorelai shook her head, smiled and cleared her throat, "We'll be building a new one. Michel is our builder. He's French and knows lots about ar-chi-tec-ture."
Lorelai clasped her binder in both hands and inhaled the sweet air.
"Swans!"
The girls turned. "Huh?"
"Swans," Lorelai nodded, forgetting herself. "We'll have swans. Of course, we'll have to drag them out of the kitchen kicking and screaming… "
One of the girls paused. "What's happening with those purple flowers?"
"We-ll," began Lorelai, ripping off a petal and putting it in her mouth, "We made them edible. Ed-i-ble. That means I can do this."
Lorelai chucked her binder on the ground, leapt over the railing of the bridge, and crashed below. She slowly got up, soaking, out of the stream and wiped down her hair.
"Um, like that? Sorry, what was your question?"
"Blue," said the other girl.
"Pink!"
"Blue!"
Lorelai wrung her hair dry, and the woman turned on the girls.
"I paid for purple. Go away."
The girls walked off into the distance.
Lorelai shrugged. "You know, they do say daughters are difficult."
The woman turned. "And?"
"No. That's it."
Lorelai turned and walked up the ridge with the woman.
"I want to ask," said the woman, "We need to be prepared for disasters. What if it rains?"
Lorelai cleared her throat.
"Well. First we'll make an offering to Poseidon - your daughters can help with that. Be a part of, be the offering, we're all a democracy in this here U S of A. Then we'll ask that girl from Captain Planet. She can use her Green Lantern ring that's blue and say Water! And then it won't be rain, it'll be magical water. So technically, you still have to pay your fee."
"What if it's too windy?"
"Then we'll ask Dorothy from the Wizard to Oz, what did she do during that hurricane? Because maybe we have an underground bunker. Your wedding will be ruined, of course. But there's nothing more romantic than being in the dark with strangers. You never know who the father will be."
"Too hot?"
"We'll ask Johnny Storm to please stop being Kevlar. Kelvin? Is that a band? Why do people stand in bands? Is that an acronym - acronism - A? A-word? A B C D… "
"So. I have nothing to worry about?"
Lorelai smiled and leaned in.
"On the contrary, you have everything to worry about. Have you heard about the lunch special? I make it myself… "
"Oh, there must be something."
"Are you listening to me?" Lorelai waved her hand over the woman's face. "Why don't you go downstairs to your room. Yep, we've moved it to the basement. I've filled a cardboard box with bubble bath. I'll send down some wine - I've still got to decide what'll really be in there - and a masseus who bears a remarkable resemblance to Michel from Front Desk."
"How remarkable?"
"You're kidding, right? Like… like very remarkable. Like, you would think he's the same person."
"This is my favourite place - in the whole world."
"Well don't write that in the guest book! People will only want to come back."
Lorelai and the woman walked up the hill towards the inn.
SCENE 3
Lorelai walked behind the front desk, where Michel was handing out gift baskets.
"Do you know," began Lorelai, and sighed. "Well, I suppose I could do a joke about saran wrap choking people, but I think that's already been done. Jordan almonds? Are they from Jordan? Where's Jordan? Is that a person's name? Boy or girl?"
Michel sighed.
"They have been shee-ped, and I am not listening to you. To me, you are the teacher in the Charlie Brown car-toon."
"Didn't Snoopy lie on top of a dog house? That's the guy with the curly hair on top of his head, and the girl who takes the ball from him? Is that Garfield? Andrew Garfield? Is he an ac-tor? Also, Rory and Golf."
Michel glanced up. "Oh - Dear."
"What?" Lorelai saw a pair of guys enter. "They look like twins. Do you know what I'm hungry for?"
"Do not say eet."
"What? You didn't know what I was going to say - "
The girls ran to the guys who hugged in return. Michel tutted.
"You kept this from me on purpose."
"Well, yeah. I get first dibs."
"Par-don?" Michel turned around. "Just tell me when the midgets and clowns arrive."
"Already booked for to-night's entertainment. Whoa, whoa, Michel."
Lorelai pulled Michel back from the brink.
"You have to get them all settled in, because - well, if I got them settled in, going back to my original joke - "
"I'm not talking to them."
"What could you possibly need to talk to them about? Does the pig slowly turning on the spit roast talk to the crowd?"
"You are pathetic. Well, I'm not talking to them nicely."
"Is there any other way of talking to someone?"
SCENE 4
Lorelai entered the inn's kitchen, where Sookie and Jackson were having an argument. Lorelai marched towards the plate of cake.
"Ooh, I luurve cake," Lorelai smiled, "I would save this for Rory, but what she doesn't know doesn't kill her, unless it's malaria. An-y-way, I will have the cake. Because no one else will, and if you take it, then you're allowed."
Lorelai scoffed as much in a first bite as her mouth would allow, crunching with difficulty, spitting out crumbs as she spoke.
"Ruh-ry. Gulf."
Jackson raised his voice.
"Take the blueberries!"
Lorelai poured some coffee and went to Sookie. She took several gulps and some spittle and crumbs remained.
"Well, that wasn't enough," Lorelai cleared her throat, "You know, I can see why you bake. Food is yum. What's the haps?"
Sookie gestured at the blueberries.
"I can't make the strawberry shortcake!"
"Hmm. You know, that's a terribly defeatist attitude, and also, one thing in common I have with Lorelai, is that we can't cook. So that's Olé! That's all, folks! Oggy Oggy Oggy! You know, that headmaster from the British show about those kids who take drugs and don't wash?"
Michel entered.
"The battle for soup versus sa-lahd is raging in the other room. Please hurry, or I will run out of French curse words that they don't understand."
Lorelai frowned.
"But I say anything - and none of you guys do anything different. Maybe I should try cursing in French. I'm sure it's just as easy as not learning the language first."
Lorelai walked out of the kitchen into the foyer. The girls were fighting, and the mother shaking her head as she strode over to Lorelai.
"Fourty five minutes of soup or salad - I can't take it - order me a cab."
"First of all, there are no cabs in Star's Hollow. Taylor had them outlawed, but he did tell me that he likes talking about that with customers of the Independence Inn, so do pass on his regards. I mean, I do. Go to him. Second, soup or salad? Who wants hot soup? Can you have cold soup? Can you have cold sick? Ratatouille is a mouse, but we can't hire him. Can't you just have salad? Maybe there's an easy way to fix this, but I'm anything but easy. Third - oh, and you're already leaving."
The woman marched back towards her daughters. The guys came forward and hugged their brides-to-be. Sookie frowned.
"Oh, that is weird. Who is who?"
"Well," began Lorelai, "There can be some distinguishing characteristics. Of course, with their clothes on, I would have no idea."
Sookie pulled at her ponytail.
"But what if one of them walks in on the other girl, but it's not his bride, and they have sex, is that cheating?"
Lorelai shrugged.
"Does it matter? I say - as the frat bros in college say - score. I mean, they're probably both the same, in temperament and rhythm."
"For dancing?" Sookie glanced. "Dancing at the wedding?"
"Yeah, sure, whatever. It's all the same, when you're lying there watching the ceiling slide off into space."
Lorelai walked up to the mother who was glad to see her daughters disappear walk away with their grooms-to-be. The mother turned to Lorelai.
"Do you have children?"
"Yes, I have eight. We called the first one Weasel. Weasel, that cartoon. Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, whatever? Also that Beaver. What's that show with the Beaver? The brown one and the yellow one? I love those days."
"Er - do you have any daughters?"
"Oh, yes. Tookie."
"Do you hate her?"
"She moves the plot forward."
"Not ever?"
"Well, she does date some hot guys. I mean not yet, but in the later seasons. Also, um, labor. Labor of Industry? 1984? I would like to be told what to do. But only I already agree with it, and only if I already have everything I want and got to lay in a bed all day like those grandparents from Willy Wonka."
The woman chuckled.
"That was the high point for me."
Lorelai watched the woman go out the front door. She poked her head out, standing on the periphery while guests waited to go out in the foyer.
"Not me!" Lorelai yelled. "I didn't have her. You know, it happened just like on The Sims - I said, The Sims! I just sort of wriggled a bit, pretended to moan, and then a baby - I said a baby popped into my arms! It even came with the swaddling blanket. Saved me thirty five cents. That's how much baby clothes cost right? I said - "
Lorelai sidestepped to allow the guests behind her to exit.
"Man, oh gee, oh boy. It is hard being an adult - but most of all, it is hard being a per-son."
SCENE 5
Lorelai was walking along the porch of the Independence Inn.
"Hello, hi," Lorelai waved to one of the setter-uppers, "I need more tool. More tool. Like a tutu. Hmm. Yes, I don't know - is this insect netting? Purple insect netting? I don't want this. Change it to red. Definitely not blue or pink or purple."
Lorelai stepped off the porch and towards a man decorating a tree.
"Hey, Gary! Gary - snail from Spongebob, hello?"
The man turned.
"The ribbons go on the trees, OK, not on the chairs."
Gary nodded, Lorelai smiled, and walked over to Kirk who was pushing a something of caged swans up the path. Kirk rubbed his back.
"Where do you want the swans?"
Lorelai cleared her throat.
"OK - so. Well, didn't that princess turn into a swan? Swan princess? Gosh, she got a handsome prince. Was he handsome? It's hard to remember. Sometimes swans get it all. Also, do you know where the pond is?"
"Nope."
"It's where that customer's car fell in, by accident, that one time. But do you know that little road you came up?"
"Nope."
"Neither do I. Do you know how to say Big Help in Chinese?"
"Nope."
"I could give it a go. But where do I start? Do I go to China?"
Lorelai closed her eyes, held out both arms, made aeroplane arms, spun around on the spot. She opened her eyes.
"Am I in China?"
"Nope."
Lorelai dug out a handkerchief and shook it.
"Michel! Also - this is twenty swans."
Kirk glanced at the cages.
"Sure, why not."
"No, that was a statement. I know there's twenty swans."
"Nope."
Lorelai turned to Michel. He sighed.
"You screeched?"
"Actually, I hall-ooed. You know, like a Southern lady from Tara? I would do so well there, except I can't smile, as I am dead inside. Also, can you show Mick-Kirk where to put the swans?"
"Absolutely not."
"Can you give me an excuse that's better than the dozen I come up with for any inconvenience however minor?"
"I was attacked by a band of swans when I was a boy. No one forgets that."
Lorelai screwed up her face.
"You know what's sad? That's not even funny - I mean, not because I feel sorry for you - but it's not even interesting. You're not interesting. Don't worry, Michel. Nothing I say to you is about you. Everyone is me just with a different face. We're all robots."
The swan honked, everyone jumped, and Drella came through with a harp. Michel led Mick-Kirk down the path with his something of caged geese. Drella smacked her lips.
"Can't stand the talk - love to watch the walk."
Lorelai grimaced.
"You're not for real, are you? Sometimes, I think I'm the only normal one here."
SCENE 6
Lorelai entered the diner, where Luke had just returned behind the counter, and Rory was sitting at a table wearing a funky hat. Lorelai sat down with a sigh.
"I am telling you. It is one thing when the brides get to marry handsome grooms. I mean, if they get bored of one, can they just grab the other? Is it a Mormon thing? Are Mormons one bride, several grooms, or one groom, several brides? Maybe it's neither? Maybe it's some? Also - "
Lorelai let a plate of cake land on the table, and rattle slightly, and the surrounding customers jumped at the sudden clink. Lorelai lifted the plate.
"This isn't cake - I ate yours - but I bought a replica cake from those people who make dollhouses - they make tiny fake cake - but I bought a big fake cake. So when you bite into it, you'll realise it's fake."
Lorelai pulled at her collar.
"I guess now you know that. I'll chuck this in someone's window when we're walking home later - Luke! I need a cheeseburger! I want it big, and she said that, and he said that, and the fox says whaaat?"
Rory rapped on the table.
"Back to me, Mom. I had a good day at the club."
"Can you be at a club? In a club? A club's a club sandwich. And a club… yeah I'm outta. So, the cool hat?"
Rory passed it over, and Lorelai put it on her head.
"Exactly fits! I don't like it, but it gives me attention, which as you know is my only sustenance."
"Mom - anyway. I really liked the golf. I liked hanging out with Grandpa."
"Yeah, well," Lorelai shrugged, "Walks are common. You can walk - at the club! Or you can take those motorised thing-ees. It's nice and quiet. And really, it's not about hitting the ball. You just get lost in your thoughts, you hit the ball, it goes in or it misses, and you just go aww, and you pretend, and you smile. That's actually what you do for life. You walk, you get lost in your thoughts, you fake it until you make it, then you jump off the flat Earth when nobody's looking. Unless there's an invisible barrier. Some game makers think of that, you know."
Rory opened her mouth to reply, but Lorelai raised her hands and glanced to Luke.
"Luuuuke! I'm the wacky waving inflatable tube wo-man over here! Give me some eggs, or whatever it was I ordered - Rory, aren't you hungry?"
"I had a big lunch at the club. You would've liked it, 'cos everything's free. Well, as you define it, Mom, everything's free when you can take it when nobody's watching."
Lorelai winked. "That's my girl."
Luke came up to the table with a coffee pot.
"Your daughter is supporting all the devastators of the land."
Lorelai opened her mouth to reply, but Luke walked off; Lorelai shrugged, and turned back to Rory.
"So - you had a good time?"
"Yeah. We talked about Fez."
"That's a hat, right?"
Luke walked up to the table and placed a plate with a large cheeseburger in front of Lorelai. Luke frowned.
"I thought you were starving?"
Lorelai eyed Luke's backwards cap, unbuttoned shirt over t-shirt somewhat tucked into his jeans.
"Well now - now I am just delirious."
"What?"
Lorelai shook her head and Luke walked away. Lorelai smacked her lips.
"Can't stand the talk… "
Rory glanced over at Lorelai.
"Do you really like that hat?"
Lorelai felt up the sides of her head, screamed and took the hat and threw it off. She crawled on her hands and knees as the customers stared, and Lorelai apologised to the hat as she dusted it off.
"OK, so what was your question? Right - well, that must be why Luke thought I was weird. Clearly, it's not a seductive hat. Clearly, it gave me some sort of moodlet. Aren't they annoying? I liked the Sims 2. What are we doing again?"
SCENE 7
Lorelai was on the porch of the Independence Inn, frowning as Miss Patty took one of the two grooms in a personal dance lessons, and went into the inn. Rory was sitting at a desk writing.
"My God - but it's hot out there - and Miss Patty stole him from me. What's this, what's happening, deviated septum who?"
Michel came up from the front desk and held out a phone. "It's for you."
"Eh? But no one calls me. I'm like Jan from the Brady Bunch. Marsha-Marcia-Mar-cha."
"It's your father - with you as his daughter, I'm not more surprised he didn't send a carrier pigeon with cyanide."
"Hmm," Lorelai paused, "I could take that seriously, but then I'd have to have hurt feelings. And I can't have hurt feelings. Because I have a deviated septum, whatever that is."
Lorelai, after a quick chat to her dad, gave the phone to Rory and watched her happily. walk off. Lorelai took Rory's seat and sighed with her hands on her chin.
"Ah, to be young again. I was quite stupid when I was young - " Lorelai scribbled on the paper with the pen, " - but then, I never really grew up."
SCENE 8
Lorelai and Rory sat on the porch of their house, sitting on a table opposite each other, with books open and Rory glancing into a mirror. Lorelai glanced up.
"Didn't that mirror tell you if you were beautiful? You know, that one… that the princesses used? Or Shrek? I would love a talking mirror. They can't go away, you know. They have to keep you company. The mirror would probably try to kill itself. How would you kill yourself if you were a mirror?"
Rory put down the mirror.
"I'd like to change my hair."
"Well, I can offer solutions. The obvious, like a mohawk or put paint in it. How long does paint last in hair? I don't mean hair dye, I mean paint that builders use. Or painters. Michelangelo… how did he draw on the ceiling of that place?"
Rory got up.
"Do you want a drink?"
"Not from a carrier pigeon. Also, not from the toilet, please. We only serve that at the inn."
Lorelai, alone on the porch, glanced around and uncomfortably fiddled with the pages and scribbled.
"Grandpa! Grandpa called? Grandpa - "
Rory came back out on the porch.
"Mom, you don't need to yell."
"Oh, yeah right. So something about a book?"
"Yeah, we just talked, that's all. He found a book for me. Mencken's Chrestomathy?"
"How do you even spell that? What is that about?"
Babette came up the porch, shaking her head and tutting.
"Cinnamon is stuck under the house again. Can I borrow some vegetable oil and a shoehorn?"
Lorelai frowned.
"Actually, I took the vegetable oil to the inn with me, you know, in case one of the grooms was interested. Also, the shoehorn is definitely on me - here you go. I love those pranks where someone puts on a shoehorn beneath their car and roam parking lots and blows it, except it's not a shoe horn, it's like, a train horn. They really get surprised. I'm never still and always hypersensitive. Babette, you wanted to say something?"
A cat screeched.
"Oh! That's Cinnamon - Mo-ry-I'm-co-ming home!"
Babette walked down the porch and Lorelai smiled.
"Oh, well… I'm sure that's not the right episode for that."
Rory, who had not left the table, tugged on her sleeve. Lorelai paused.
"That's not my sweater."
"What? Yes - I borrowed it."
"Oh. Well, it's a sweater. Hmm. A sweater… jumper… "
Lorelai squinted out from the porch at all around her.
"Gee… conflict - is - awk-ward."
"Huh?"
Lorelai rolled her eyes.
"Do I really have to say the line? Er, camera, action? Lights? Um, where's my trailer? I need a break."
SCENE 9
Lorelai and Sookie were walking along the footpath in Stars Hollow. Lorelai, of course, talked first.
"I'm a mental case."
"So apologise."
"For me or for her? I don't know. I hope I didn't pass on the mental case to her. What is wrong with me?"
"There's nothing wrong with you."
"Well, you're a true friend. Usually when I ask that, I get a list. And it always has something I haven't thought of - well, that I'm actively repressing, but that's my word count for this sentence."
"I'm the same way - if someone breathes too hard on my pairing knife - I'm like a spider monkey."
"Sookie, I'm going to need to invoice you for those scars. My sweater that I lent to Rory was ripped because of it."
Lorelai stared at her feet as they walked along the footpath.
"Rory had fun, Sookie. What does that feel like again - remind me?"
Sookie jumped, and glanced across the street. She walked off the footpath, a cyclist crashed, and Sookie gripped a tray of strawberries in front of a market.
"Look - at - you!"
"Sookie, you can't talk to fruit. That guy from Blue's Clues can. Did you know, there was a talking Salt and Pepper, and they had a baby called Paprika? You can't make this stuff up."
Jackson walked by the stall. "Unbelievable!"
Lorelai cleared her throat.
"Would it surprise you, that I have never been called that in bed."
Jackson walked past Lorelai and towards Sookie.
"You're buying someone else's strawberries?"
"I needed the strawberries!"
Lorelai watched Jackson run away and Sookie chase after him. She grabbed a handful of strawberries, fitting as many as she could into her mouth and chewing, and glanced up to see Taylor in his store shaking his head.
SCENE 10
Lorelai was standing on the porch of the Independence Inn, watching the wedding dancing, when the mother of the brides came towards her up the steps.
"We did it!"
Lorelai smiled and glanced down at herself while the mother flung out her arms, and was left mid-air. Lorelai pulled at her dress.
"I know, right? I love this dress. I love how my hair looks. I look great. But what did we do?"
"I feel wonderful."
"Well, that is the cham-pag-nuh. I mean, that's what it says on the bottle. It's not anything else. I haven't been in the kitchens. That's Sookie. If you have any complaints, kitchen or otherwise, don't direct them to me - I dislike responsibility, thin shoulders, you see. But I'm very thin in this here dress."
The woman placed her hand on Lorelai's arm.
"My daughters just told me they're going to share a condo in Tucson - Arizona! - that's hundreds of miles away."
"Hmm," Lorelai mused, "Well, I mean, I dunno. I couldn't - nope, got nothing. Please continue."
Lorelai watched the woman run out onto the dance floor. She walked along the porch to find Rory seated and joined beside.
"I have to tell ya," said Lorelai, "The cuckoo person, the crazy person that I am, is here to stay."
"I know, Mom."
Lorelai and Rory watched a young girl be berated by her mother for not acting like a lady. The young girl scowled and folded her arms. Lorelai tutted.
"That was me - well, not for not acting like a lady, just existing, I think. I hate being told what to do. I think, at least a couple times, you do need discipline - not you, but me - but you also need those words of encouragement to revive you, you know what I mean?"
"You've told me this before, Mom."
"Oh, I know, hon."
"Mom?"
"Yeah?"
"I got a fungus from the steam room."
Lorelai took a deep breath.
"OK, so. You know I'll say something whacky like can I see it, or what does it taste like… "
"Mom!"
"But actually, I reckon if we sneak up to one of the guest's rooms, and you take your sock off, and you wipe your feet over their clean linen, that should do for me."
"I'll do it just this once."
"Really?"
"No… "
"Well, they say, when you have kids - you're not raising a mini-me - you're raising a person, like, with their own thoughts and desires. So what I can console myself with is, you didn't catch my crazy. 'Cos believe me, kid - this crazy is em-bed-ded."
SCENE 11
Lorelai rang the doorbell at Emily and Richard's home, and brought in a cardboard box and Rory came in next. Emily stared at the box.
"What's that?"
"It's a box."
Emily glanced up at Lorelai, who pulled at her collar.
"Mom, you're doing that staring thing - OK. Well, it was blueberry shortcake - I ate it all, Rory didn't have any, she doesn't like it - "
"Well - "
"Trust me, Rory didn't like it. No - she didn't need to try it to find out. But I brought you the box as a souvenir!"
Emily turned and walked into the house. Lorelai lowered her voice to Rory.
"She's in a bad mood today!"
Emily handed the box to the maid, and headed into the living room.
"Can I get you a drink?"
"Not cyanide, ha-ha… " Lorelai glanced around the room. "So familiar. So familiar."
Emily smiled.
"So Lorelai - did Rory tell you she had a wonderful time at the club?"
"Yes - I'm going to join her next time, and kick your ass."
Emily and Rory stared. Lorelai gulped.
"Bad joke? Bad taste - taste - smell - Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O… "
Richard walked in.
"Oh, you're here!"
"Well, yes, Dad," Lorelai blushed, "The script demanded it!"
"Rory, I have a surprise in my office."
Lorelai glanced up.
"Oh, let me guess. It's a first edition of Manky Christomopomy?"
Rory got up, and followed Richard into the office. Emily handed Lorelai her glass.
"I'd like to take a look at those myself."
Emily followed Rory and Richard. Lorelai glanced around at the room, tapping her feet on the rug. She craned her neck over and raised her voice.
"Take a look at what? Those? It's a book! What's those?"
Lorelai slugged her wine back in one.
"Oh, if only wine tasted as good as chocolate milk - urgh, there's the aftertaste. And so ends, another day, in the Gilmore's lives. I should say something witty, but you know me - I'm very mild, when it comes to talking about myself."
