SCENE 1

Lorelai and Rory were walking through Stars Hollow, headed towards and then into the stationery store. Lorelai opened her mouth.

"So - give me some room, 'cos there's not much I can add to that's already pretty good, so I'll try my best."

Rory checked her list.

"I need legal pads."

"Well - what would i-llegal pads look like?"

"Tons of pens."

"Er - keep going. Hmm. Well, nothing on your list is funny."

"This isn't funny, Mom. I need these for school."

Lorelai led Rory along the shelves.

"Oh! I just figured out how you can get i-llegal pads."

Lorelai glanced over her shoulder and put a pad in her bag. Rory sighed and took it out.

"Those are purple."

"You can have purple!"

"I'm going to a serious school, Mom."

"Barney was purple. And he was a dinosaur, I think. What did those symbols on top of the Tellytubbies' heads mean? Did you know the sun got paid eight hundred dollars an episode? That's a baby. Why would you put a baby in the sun?"

Rory folded her arms.

"You're never going shopping with me again."

"Oh - oh, let me top some witticisms before the fade out," Lorelai grimaced as she followed Rory out, "There must be something - I'm powered by coffee - and the world keeps on spinning."

If you're out on the road…

SCENE 2

Lorelai was in the foyer of the Independence Inn, when Drella rammed a harp into Michel's leg, who bounced and shrieked. Lorelai bounded over.

"Hey, hi, hello, please don't take away my lines. I'm the negative one. Also what's up?"

Lorelai nodded along as Drella and Michel fought and loudly.

"Uh-huh, uh-huh," Lorelai nodded, "Good, good, I see no room for improvement on my side, I see why they kept it in the show."

Lorelai grabbed a magazine from the counter, not particularly perturbed either way, and marched into the kitchen.

"Sookie! I have printed type!"

Lorelai and Sookie glanced up as Rory entered carrying many backpacks. Rory dumped them on the ground.

"Chocolate."

Sookie thumbed behind her. "Last measuring cup - "

Lorelai bashed past Sookie, slapped Rory's hand away, grabbed the measuring cup and began eating.

"Wait - wait - I've got to do my line, too - "

Lorelai, eating the chocolate pieces with her mouth from the measuring cup held with one hand, flicked through the pages of the magazine with the other. Rory frowned and came over.

"Who's naked?"

"With any luck, most guys," Lorelai sighed, "But only on paper. In person, it can be a whole threatening ordeal. But the ideal in my head is that they generally look good naked, but it does just stare at you. Also, Tom Hardy."

Sookie clicked her fingers in front of Lorelai.

"The review? Is the review there? Is it good?"

"Don't ask me such a tempting question, Miss St James. I'm liable to lie - "

Lorelai cleared her throat.

" - the words divine, delectable and delirious don't begin to describe the delicious experience of dining at the Independence Inn. Huh, I thought I would alter that somehow."

"Lucien Mills liked it?"

"Oh, yes. There is some semblance of a minimal disruption, in the form of the way he conveyed his thoughts about one item in particular on your menu, of which he could be more ecstatic. I'll let that sink in - now - "

Lorelai did the Macarena in front of Rory.

" - let's go out on the town! I can't go to bed before nine thirty - you'll find that out when you hit my age - but shall we? Shall we loser go shopping?"

Lorelai clicked her fingers.

"Goddamnit. The linen delivery - "

Rory stole some chocolate out of the measuring cup and frowned.

"What - you forgot to order it?"

"No - the problem is that I did. I was planning on running out of fresh linen, so I could ask the maids to make the beds with rugs. It's how they did it in the old days, Rory. I know these things. Cue scene."

SCENE 3

Lorelai was at her house, sitting in the living room on the sofa in front of the TV. Rory was in the kitchen at the table poring over books. Lorelai glanced over.

"The TV's on! I can't turn it off like that X-Men who can blink and make the TV switch channels."

"Just a sec!"

Lorelai looked around the living room.

"This is lovely and cosy."

Lorelai patted the couch with her hands, glancing around, and getting up.

"Oh, my poor back. Do we have ice cream? I need to get very fat, because what precedes that is, a lot of delicious food. I can't wait to eat until I'm not starving or empty inside. Rory, child of mine, Guns and Roses, party of five? Is that a TV show?"

"Mom, I'm studying."

"Studying is just another word for ignoring Mommy. You see, I've run out of cash, because the customers won't come back, so I'll need your pocket money from where you work at Andrew's book store to pay for the ice cream. It's all full circle. It's all Full House. Or is it Fuller House? You know, they smile a lot on that show, no-one's that happy."

"I can't take a break right now."

Rory stood up and slammed the door to her room. Lorelai pouted.

"You know, if I was more observant - I'd dare to venture much more of a conflict must occasion your sudden exit."

Lorelai spun about the room, smashed her hip into the table, fell over, and lifted her legs in the air as she lay flat. She lifted one shoe to block her vision of the ceiling lamp, then tried it with the other, squinting inbetween the switching.

"Hmm… " Lorelai bared her teeth, "If only I could fly."

SCENE 4

Lorelai was at the Independence Inn, walking through the foyer. Drella was playing the harp, and Lorelai paused.

"Drella, no Guns n' Roses!"

Drella frowned. "It's Black Sabbath - "

"I think I know my rockin' and my rollin'. You can only play songs that are offensive to the guests and which make them leave as soon as they enter."

Lorelai continued walking and pushed through the door which led into the kitchen.

"Sookie, I need coffee."

Lorelai hefted the coffee pot, shook it to her ear. Sookie sighed.

"Lucien Mills said it was fine."

"Who?"

"The restaurant critic. He said my risotto was fine."

"But all your food is good, because you give it to me for free!"

Jackson entered with a cardboard box.

"Ooh, presents," Lorelai lifted the plastic wrap, "Yeah, I don't know what those are. You two talk. I have to do adult ob-li-ga-tions."

Sookie slumped with her chin on her hand, Jackson bent over her, and Lorelai made exaggerated gestures as she pushed the door open walking out backwards into the reception area.

SCENE 5

Lorelai tiptoed into the class room where the PTA meeting was being held. Max Medina was standing up before the parents seated in those little desks. Lorelai smiled brightly.

"So sorry - I mean, I'm not, but that's what you say," Lorelai shook her head, rolled her eyes. "I had a horrible pot hole. Y'know, 'cos I can't drive. Why isn't fifteen miles an hour an acceptable speed? I like to take my time. Also, they give you that rule book, but it's just a guide, right? 'Cos I don't agree with all their rules - "

Lorelai fell into the wheeled globe.

"Oh, you see, there I am," Lorelai tapped on the globe, held her ear up to it, "Aaaand I am falling flat. Lorelai Gilmore, mother to Ro-ry, can I get a whaaaat?"

One of the parents glanced up and frowned. "That's nice… "

Lorelai poured herself some coffee.

"I should think of something witty to say, but I need cof-fee."

Lorelai sat down at the little desk, tapping her hands on the wooden frame. She raised her hand.

"Hello, yes, hi, Lorelai Gil-mo'," Lorelai smiled, "Where is the test being held?"

"It - it will be held here," Max smiled.

"Hmm," Lorelai nodded, "Nope, got nothing. Please continue."

Max opened his mouth. Lorelai raised her hand.

"I want to come!"

"Excuse me?"

"To the test," Lorelai nodded, "Y'know, I know nothing, but by my participation, surely I can lower the class average. Also, I want to see if I can get at least one question right. I know Plato. And Socrates. They were Latin or Greek, weren't they? Galileo? He was something with ships, right? I know the English were good ship builders. But didn't everyone have access to wood in those days?"

One of the parents, a father, frowned. "It's a test. What's exciting about that?"

"Do you play golf?"

"Yes… "

"Well, next time, you better check those holes," Lorelai bada-binged the table, and finger pistoled, "Cos I lick all around the edges, so you're likely to catch something."

The parents, frowning, returned to face Max. Lorelai bared her teeth and snapped. Max continued.

"Why don't we get back to the meeting - "

A woman bent her mouth to another woman's ear.

"That's the woman who said we should burn all the scrunchies."

"Figures," scoffed the other woman, "Probably a scholarship student… "

Lorelai glanced up, furious, and chucked her coffee at the woman. They both were drenched.

"I had hoped to burn you more, you uncivil ingrates," Lorelai hissed, "Don't you talk about my Rory that way. We are Gilmores, hear us roar. I'm telling Emily on you, and you won't get into the DAR."

The women excused themselves to wipe themselves off, with glares and muttered refrains. Max called for a recess, and Lorelai got up from the desk.

"Sorry. Bad habit," Lorelai lifted the cup, "Coffee, ya know."

"Perhaps it could've only gone worse if you hit her," Max shrugged.

"I can't do that, I'm a lady."

Lorelai frowned as she took a sip. Max gestured.

"You know, you don't have to drink it."

"That's like saying I don't have to eat leftovers. What if you're hungry in the night?"

Max cleared his throat.

"How is Rory liking Chilton?"

"Well, she always wanted to get into Harvard," Lorelai smiled, "I'm planning on having her meet Elle Woods there. Also, she used a sweat shirt as a diaper. Make sure to spread that round."

"You don't have to tell her, or that you told me… "

"No, trust me. That's the life at the Gilmo' House."

"Are you a B-52's girl?"

Lorelai frowned and glanced down at her shirt.

"I don't know what these are… but if I try to reenact a sort of 70s song or whatever this is… "

Lorelai thrust her legs out, raised her arms, starting bobbing her head, switching from left to right.

"Thriller… feel alive… hmm hmm something about the music, something anywhere-here… you know, that movie where the girl is thirteen and then she's thirty?"

Max held up a hand and Lorelai wiped her brow. Max cleared his throat.

"You know, I hope Rory adjusts to this place. We need her here."

"I know, right?" Lorelai raised her eyebrows. "I mean, the tuition doesn't come cheap. These bricks don't pay to keep themselves upright."

"I hope she's not disappointed about her paper - it's very difficult to keep up with all that reading material… "

"Don't worry," Lorelai mimed zipping her lips shut, "I let her out from the basement every so often to stop spinning the wool… golden wool… golden geese? Is that the fairytale? What were those golden eggs those geese or swans or ducks laid in Mr Wonka's factory? You know, I bear more similarities than you'd think, to Veruca Salt. Speaking of Salt, she had a husband called Pepper… "

"I know Rory might be a bit stressed getting a D… "

"A D? Rory got a D?" Lorelai cleared her throat, "Excuse me, I'm really out of material today - well, except for Rory's paper. Maybe if I ate that material I'd get some good hu-more. Ahem… D? D? D? D? Isn't that a keyboard tune? A music note? You know, The Sims did a music game… you played as a treble clef. Clefairy? Banjo Kazooie? Tooie? Was Kazooie the chicken? What was Tooie?"

Lorelai wrapped a hair tie from her wrist and tied her hair into a ponytail.

"You know what? No, not from that MADTV skit with that woman who's mean. But really - I have to see Rory."

Lorelai nodded several times.

"I mean, I want to be the kind of parents to her that I didn't have. Could you believe that I spent a whole year with my backpack full of some disgusting glue sap shit and my parents didn't notice? I'm determined that Rory should have support. I'm determined - and I didn't think I was, when I was younger. I was only ever a follower."

Lorelai backed up into the globe.

"Oh! That's never and always painful, ha-ha," Lorelai waggled her finger, "Don't ask me how I know that."

Lorelai pushed through the adults blocking the doorway.

"Ex-cuse me! Important woman coming through. Daughter of Emily and Richard, hello? We're the main family here. And if I tell on you to Trix, she'll cut you all down, because I'm important. I'll always believe that, because I have nothing else, ha-ha!"

Max waved. "Goodbye, Lorelai."

Lorelai frowned as she held onto the door edge, poking her head round like the Home Alone kid. Lorelai opened her mouth.

"You are probably the most mature person I've met."

SCENE 6

Lorelai entered the diner, where Rory was sitting melancholy at a table, and Luke was standing elsewhere writing on his notepad. Lorelai glanced Luke up and down.

"Gosh, do you always dress like that?"

"Like what?"

Lorelai glanced him up and down. She nodded to Rory.

"Um, is she OK? She looks like how I feel. But no one should openly look like how I feel. People will ask questions. Then they'll solve the issue, and you know me, I have to cart these troubles in my old something bag, and smile - smile - smile."

"She's your kid, I didn't raise her. I only serve."

Lorelai glanced to the notepad in Luke's belt, then back up to his face.

"Would you believe, I'm this obvious in person, and yes. I am date-less. Exit stage right."

Lorelai swanned over, spun on her heels, tottered somewhat and took a seat next to Rory.

"You know, if the edges are welded, I won't fall over, bada-bing," Lorelai tapped the table to a tune, "From that movie? Where the two schlubs like pretty women but have a very high demanding list of what that means, when they're in no position to choose?"

Lorelai glanced at Rory's books.

"Oh, I miss studying. Well I never did. I passed my English exam over fifty percent without studying, natch. That's from that book I read. But otherwise - "

Rory cleared her throat.

"Eyes to me, Mom. Where were you?"

"I was in Hartford, ya-hoo. I was there for the… "

"Parent - Teacher - Meeting?"

"Close, ah-ha. I was at the, er… Perennial Torturous … Meeting? Oh, shucks. Shuckle from a turtle's shell. I need more coffee. Luuuuke!"

Rory bit her nails. "Oh God… "

"Well, don't worry," Lorelai shrugged, and sniffed, "I won them all over. I threw coffee in their faces."

"Mom… "

"Joke, obviously, ha-ha. You know I'm never always never something serious."

"I guess you talked to Mr Medina?"

"Yes, he is very mature. How do people get like that? You know what depresses me? When people younger than me are mature. Like, they're already in their golden years."

Lorelai stared, in her own thoughts, at the memorabilia on the wall.

"But ya know, I do love to be aware of my own idiocy. I didn't used to be able to laugh at myself. I hated people laughing at me. Now I just think of myself as special, and - well, Rory. Don't live my life. That's why I'm here to direct you towards greener pastures."

"I didn't want to tell you… "

"Oh, honey. You once told me you liked Saved by the Bell. I mean, what is that? Is there a horror entity and then the bell rings but he's dispelled and then the kids say, I guess you were - saved by the bell? And then the title rings? What is that? I don't know that."

"I never get a D!"

"Be thankful, hon, they're not that interesting."

"A D at Chilton is like a F at Stars Hollow. It's worse! It's like a G! Or a W!"

"OK… " Lorelai splayed her arms, "A Deranged… Frankenstein… Gorgeous… Woman. Huh. Is that Freudian? Am I spelling or saying that right?"

"I need to catch up. I suck… "

Lorelai took a deep breath.

"I'm not interested in that sort of attitude. I won't have you learn how I did, the way I did. You know, something you have from me, is my stubbornness. And you have to be persistent. Everyone wants something from everyone. It can be convenient to be a doormat, but then they view you as a utility. But everyone wants something and is of utility. It is far easier to be someone, street smart with a utility, than just someone who is a utility. If that doesn't make sense, and you grow old and happy and mature, then you won't need to understand what I mean by that."

"I have a test on Shakespeare coming up."

"Well, we need to make you have an A on that test. And don't ask me to sleep with the teacher. Any kind of sleeping - at my age - in my condition, as you can imagine the parameters - god, it's just lying there. Trust me, kid. It's not all it's cracked up to be. You need to wait until you get old enough to understand it's better when it's tender and full of love."

"Mom, my test?"

"Yes, I'll help you study for that. Thanks for getting Mommy back on track. You know I tend to ramble on."

Lorelai glanced over her shoulder.

"Luke? Luke where's my coffee? Luuuuuke?"

SCENE 7

Lorelai walked into the inn's kitchen, where Sookie was standing over an oven.

"Try this!"

"Oh!" Lorelai minced her words, "What is this? Is this mush? What is that stuff in those bowls?"

"Risotto!"

"Really? What's risotto? Is it rice or pasta?"

Sookie opened her mouth, but Lorelai tugged her sweater over her skirt.

"Can you believe how good I look? God, that talking mirror really does tell porkies. It told me I would never find anyone. The nerve!"

Lorelai watched Sookie and the waiter have a brief, mostly one-sided discussion. She picked a fork up out of a bowl and tasted the crumbly stew goo thing.

"Oh, god," Lorelai let the fork clang, drop on the floor, splatter mess on the tiles. "Thank god we have maids. It's like - where are those delicious things you make, Sookie? The cakes that are almost in every shot?"

Lorelai rubbed her stomach.

"I could do with some cake."

SCENE 8

Lorelai was at her house, sitting on a sofa with a book open, while Rory paced in front of the fireplace. Lorelai squinted at the page.

"The comedy of errors? Is that a thing? When was it written?"

"Fifteen ninety."

"Correct! Published?"

"Sixteen ninety eight."

"Correct!"

"Are you sure?"

"I have the book, dear… OK. Richard the Third?"

"Fifteen ninety one."

"No."

"Ninety three?"

"No."

"Ninety six?"

"No… Rory, honestly, the clue's in the name. Richard, the… ?"

Lorelai got up into the kitchen and returned with cups for them both.

"So, sonnets or something?"

Lorelai nodded along to Rory's explanation.

"Yeah, that sounds about right."

Rory brightened. "Really?"

"Sure. I mean, it sounds right. And if you know more than me, then by taking a poll, you're brighter than me. So in this house, you win the test. You know, what the sponge said to the starfish? We saved the city!"

"Mom, you have to get some sleep. I need to study my notes… "

"Are you kidding? This place is a tip. I can't wait to clean. I love to clean. Did you see that episode of that British cleaning show where the woman licked her own toilet?"

Lorelai scoffed and shook her head.

"I mean, they just don't do good ideas like that on TV anymore."

SCENE 9

Lorelai groggily rubbed her face. She was asleep on the table in the dining room, and Rory had leapt up with a cry.

"Oh, no!"

"Mommy - " Lorelai squinted, "Mommy takes longer to get up, hon. Do you know how hard it is to wake up at thirty one? That goes for Lorelai, too. She's like, thirty-two, right?"

"I'm late!"

Lorelai got up.

"Oh, no. You are not being late," Lorelai waggled her finger, "Where are my keys - where is my phone - you be the adult, and drive. You know I can't drive faster than fifteen miles an hour anyhow."

Lorelai watched Rory grab the things and run off.

"Break a leg! But not the one you pedal the accelerator with. God help me if my car had a problem. I barely know if I have a problem."

Rory slammed the front door on her way out.

SCENE 10

Lorelai was standing at the reception desk in the Independence Inn, talking to Michel.

"Do not," Lorelai uttered, "Do not - under any circumstances - replace the rug at all. In fact, drag Cleetus in here to step on it. Do we have a Cleetus? Too soon?"

Lorelai walked across the foyer where Drella glanced up from her harp.

"Hey, what do you think about Pat Benatar?"

"Oh, I know this one - Love Is A Battlefield - " Lorelai stood very still. "Oh my god, that's right, maybe it's my quote from a movie earlier that has the same song. Bada-bing… "

Lorelai spun, her heel caught in the rug, she tripped, and she got up.

"I'm fine - all is well - another perfect outfit as modeled by Lorelai Gilmo'."

Excited cheering came from the kitchen. Lorelai held her stomach as she ran.

"Good god, my feelings are bouncing all around me - well, they're there, they're like loose spaghetti, but I'll never let them free."

Lorelai burst into the kitchen, where Sookie brandished a receipt.

"I found it, I found it, his bill!"

"His bill? Donald Duck? You found his bill? 'Cos Scrooge has many - OK, I'll let you finish."

"He drank a Riesling! That's why he didn't like the risotto!"

"We should have served him battery acid - I'll just write that down on your little chalkboard menu here… "

"That's why he didn't like it!"

"Sure! Of course! Giggles and happy!" Lorelai used her fingers to pull back her lips and cheeks to make a smile. "I - am - happy! You know, that book, Mr Happy? Was there a Mrs Happy? Also, Mrs Trunchbull asked the class why all the women were married, when Mrs Honey asks Matilda's students to recite the word which I cannot now think of."

Jackson entered the inn's kitchen carrying a cardboard box. Sookie picked up one of the zucchinis within and shook her head.

"Too small!"

Lorelai shrugged.

"Oh, well. You know what they say."

Jackson frowned. "You're still going to have to pay for the zucchini."

"I wish I had a good comeback, but I do not. Does not compute. Computer says no."

Michel entered the kitchen, holding out a phone to Lorelai.

"There's a man with a funny accent on the phone asking for you."

Lorelai stared.

"But do you know, I would like French guys. Actually, Italian, Spain ones. Um, any European probably. Did you know, when I went out in the wide world, I thought guys would actually hit on me like they do to girls in movies. And actually, they don't. They just kind of do their own thing. That was quite off putting. Took me fifteen years to learn maybe throwing myself at them, didn't work. You would think that would work but it doesn't. Movies suck."

Lorelai picked up the phone.

"Hello, hi, I can't hear you, stat-ic."

SCENE 11

Lorelai entered the halls of Chilton, striding across to Rory sitting on a bench chair thing outside one of the doors.

"Rory, do you know how cool I would look in a schoolgirl outfit? Sometimes wearing the same thing each day reduces a lot of anxiety from what is already a difficult process of waking up."

"Mom, I got hit by a deer."

"I hope Bambi's alright, but too bad, 'cos Bambi's dead. Or the mother. Did I already use that one?"

"And then I was late and I couldn't take the test."

Lorelai shook.

"You know, I should be angrier. Am I angry? I can't tell. Unless I'm like, Doom red angry and all my senses are gone, it's either binary zero or one. I feel angry. I hate seeing you like this. Because - because you remind me of me. And I am so not going to pass up this chance to give them a piece of my mind. You know me, I'm usually very reserved and try to keep a lid on it all."

Lorelai opened the door and entered through into the headmaster's office. Headmaster Charleston and Max Medina were inside, having tea. Lorelai waved.

"Yes, hello, there's my polite greeting - I'm somewhat an adult - and yes, I still do look this good, in this wonderful outfit of purples and flattering colours. I'll only buy free from now on."

Hanlin glanced up. "Miss Gilmore! Please, come in. Have a seat."

Lorelai took her coat off and flung it over the leather chair. She glanced around.

"You know, I always decorated my Sims houses like this. Very dark wood, Victorian or something, with a fire crackling. I used to put a fire alarm and burglar alarm in every room. Did you know, I didn't know that burglar is pronounced burglar, and not burg-u-lar? Like Ham-burg-u-lar? He's purple like Putt Putt who goes into space."

Lorelai smoothed her skirt and tapped her fingers and admired her fingernails.

"You know, I think there's been a big mistake. You see, I look great, but I bring with me all my pains and aches from another life. Also, my daughter Rory couldn't take her test. So that's not good. You see, I'm being the parent who will stand up for her daughter."

Hanlin stared. "She was late."

"Oh, good, we're entering serious territory," Lorelai crossed her legs, then uncrossed and crossed her ankles and smoothed her skirt, and glanced up, "Look. There has to be a way she can retake her test. She is a Gilmore. And I didn't pay five figures to have this sort of bloody nonsense."

Lorelai wilted at the look on Hanlin's face.

"Your daughter is not on trial, here."

"Denny Crane!"

Hanlin steepled his fingers. "The dog ate my homework… "

"Well that's no excuse, Bart Simpson."

"My computer crashed and I lost my midterms… "

"Have you asked Neo? He's good with computers."

"My grandmother and first cousin died… "

"Well, at your age, they should already be dead."

"My sister took my report to school instead of hers… "

"Your sister needs to complete school at some point, Mr Hanlin C."

"My religion prohibits studying after sundown… "

"Well, that's the teachings of Yevon for you."

"I went blind last night… but I'm fine now."

Lorelai stared. "I'm getting the impression you're trying to be funny. Emphasis - on the trying."

"Miss Gilmore - rules are rules. When you're late, you forfeit the right to take the test."

Hanlin stood up, and so did Lorelai.

"You see, Mr Hanlin C, I love rules. I love enforcing them, and refuse to abide by them. I thought I could live a life of penalising others, and now I realise that won't get me any friends. And friends are actually what I want. So now that Rory's threatened - I'm not interested in enforcing rules. I'm interested in my kid's future. And you - you are the problem."

Hanlin opened the door.

"Miss Gilmore, we are here to educate."

"So do some bloody education!"

"We will, when she's on time," Hanlin's lip curled, "Good day."

"I'm not interested in your open door."

"Our meeting is over."

Lorelai folded her arms. "Nope."

Max stepped in. "Lorelai - "

Lorelai shook and turned to Hanlin.

"I'm not interested in your standards. God help me, I should be laughing in Rory's face for not being on time. The one thing I could not anticipate in my life, was growing some composure and some understanding. One would think I would be empathetic towards the bullied! And Rory is trying - we are trying - can perseverance count for nothing?"

Max frowned. "I don't think that's completely fair."

Lorelai whipped to face Max, and jabbed him with her finger in his chest.

"I'm not interested in anything you have to say!" Lorelai, red-faced, turned to Hanlin. "Or you! I'm so completely upset I could rage! I could get angry - and I suppose I am - and I suppose you men know nothing about our struggles! We tried very hard to get into this nonsense school!"

Hanlin cleared his throat. "My, my, the women in your family do like to throw fits."

Lorelai raised her chin. "If I weren't a lady, what wouldn't I say?"

"Your daughter threw a fit of her own in class today - and if it wasn't her, it was a convincing reenactment of you."

Lorelai folded her arms, tapping her heel on the hardwood floors. Hanlin continued.

"Everything you said in your rant - "

"Oh, lovely. Can't wait till you're thrown out. How dare you speak to me in that manner."

" - to change the subject, we set impossibly high standards at Chilton, and that fosters a certain environment at Chilton."

"Some levity must sustain us," Lorelai gestured with one of the hands she had folded, " We must look towards our students' welfare. In this case I can only guarantee my concern of Rory's welfare, and care not for those others."

"Rory doesn't have to go to Chilton. This environment may not be for her - Harvard may not be for her - and your outburst, remedied not at all by whatever words of apology you may follow it up with - still will not be tolerated here, and a repeat would not be advised. That will be all."

Lorelai exited and sat next to Rory on the bench in the corridor.

"What an awful day," Lorelai shook her head, "I had forgotten how harsh teachers can be. You know, when I was young, I hated teachers. And now I'm like, thirty-two. None of the teachers I had when I was young were that age. So do you know - that means, whatever outlook they had, I'm still younger than they were at that time. That can only suggest I just don't know yet what they meant."

Lorelai and Rory exited Chilton to where the Jeep had a dent in the side of the car.

"You drive, Rory," Lorelai chucked her the keys, "It's a nice drive through those wooded groves, or whatever. But Mommy doesn't have the strength. I'm afraid you'll have to parent us both - at least for today."

SCENE 12

Rory, driving the Jeep with Lorelai in the passenger seat, peeled to a stop. Lorelai clutched her stomach.

"Oh, Rory. You can't stop so suddenly like that," Lorelai watched Rory get out of the car, "When you get to my age, any bump will rid you of composure and good feeling."

"Mom, I have to find the deer!"

"Oh… "

Lorelai clambered out of the car, tucking in her blouse to her skirt.

"God, I look good today. I feel good, tucked in like a sausage. Do you know, sausages are just links pulled from a pig? I've since been corrected on the matter, but that's where my mind went. Rory, wait up!"

Lorelai hurried in heels to walk beside her daughter, in the forest.

"God, it's beautiful. You know, whatever you decide, Rory - staying at Chilton, not staying at Chilton - it's your decision. I won't force you either way. You are my daughter, sweet child o' mine. That's from Black Sabbath. Drella was playing it on the harp today."

"Mom, I can catch up. I will catch up."

Lorelai smiled and hugged Rory.

"Now tell me how we are going to find this deer. 'Cos I don't like walking in nature in case I step on an ant. Or a worm. Or a bird. Or a snail - oh, god, I hate snails. I'm just so worried I'll step on one. I luuuurve nature, but I don't want to hurt the little things."

"Mom… "

"You know, you wonder why Mommy takes so long in the shower? I have to scoop all the ants up with a piece of toilet paper and then turn on the shower."

"You're kidding, right?"

"No, I'm not even saying that as a bit. I did it this morning - I do it every morning. You know, maybe there's a Pied Piper of deer… maybe we need Snow White or whatever princess brings all the animals to her yard. How do you catch a deer?"

"I'm sure they'll have that on the test, Mom."

"Well, let me know it goes," Lorelai grumbled, looking all around her, "If by this outing and my defense of you I cannot attain any peace, or pride as your parent, you must ignore me entirely, and take that happy vibe into the future. You must leave me totally behind, because I am a bad influence, believe it or not."