SCENE 1

Lorelai, Rory and Emily were sitting at the dining table for Friday night dinner. Emily turned to Rory.

"Tomorrow our lawyer is coming by."

Lorelai began with a smile.

"Your lawyer? From Crane Schmidt and that other one? From that one where Will Gardner is a partner? He's hot. Or what about - "

"No. Sissy's father."

"Sissy? You cannot tell me someone is named Sissy. The fact that she talked to her stuffed animals and they talked back, is not of consideration towards my opinion of her."

"You're impossible!"

Rory pulled at her collar. "Let's change the topic… "

Richard came in from the hallway. "Sorry about that… "

"Oh, you didn't miss much," Lorelai glanced around the room, "But look at these floral arrangements. Even the portrait of flowers! I love flowers. I could be a bee. Geddit? I cannot be a Jewish comedian, as I don't know what one of those is."

Emily cleared her throat.

"As I was saying - our lawyer is coming by, and I'd like you to go around the house and put a Post It on anything you'd like us to leave you."

Lorelai's hand shot up. "Well, that's easy. I'd put a Post It on the house! As this is pretty much, and above and beyond what I would design my Sims house to look like. Also, isn't my sweater rad?"

The maid brought out pudding in crystal bowls.

"Hmm," Lorelai screwed up her face, "I should think of something to interrupt the dialogue forthcoming. But ya know, I love pudding. I don't know why it's not called de-ssert. But what is it? I can't see what this is. I can't see much of anything. Cue the song in my head."

If you're out on the road…

SCENE 2

Lorelai and Rory were looking at a large urn pot thing. Rory held up a Post-It.

"What do we think of this? Where would we put it?"

"Um, nowhere?" Lorelai scoffed. "What's bizarre is, my inclination should be to knock it over and see what happens, but by some restraint unknown to me, that action seems unlikely to be carried out."

Emily walked into the room. Lorelai did star jumps and turned her head to Rory.

"Rory, could you go see your grandpa, please?"

"Smo-oth… "

Rory walked away, and Emily turned to Lorelai.

"It must be very exhausting to be you."

"Don't I know it."

"You know, Rory has a birthday on Friday… "

"Oh, Mom. You do know how to pull my strings."

"Why doesn't she come here Friday night?"

"We-ell. I will immediately accept to avoid conflict, but would suggest that she at least have one of her parties at my house. That's what happens, right? Also, could you make the string quartet learn the theme song from Gone with the Wind? Um, Rory told me she likes that."

Lorelai left Emily's house and sat in the driver's seat of her Jeep. Rory glanced over from where she was sitting passenger.

"Mom?"

"We-ell. I tried, but do you want to have a party here on Friday night?"

"Grandma shut you down?"

"That, B Kiddo, she did."

"Grandma's not going to make the party a big deal, will she?"

"This is Emily-land, my dear daughter. We are going nutso crazy with this. I can't top anything which could be originally imagined to have come out of this mouth."

SCENE 3

Lorelai and Sookie were at the Independence Inn, sitting in the kitchen. Sookie was reciting a list of foods, which Lorelai was nodding along to, and then held up her hand.

"Sookie, I'm gonna stop you there - as in, don't start again - because I missed everything you said, but don't take this as an indication to repeat. So that's a definitely no on the shuffle. You know, ipod? I prefer the old timey stuff. Gorillaz? Were they humans or gorillas?"

Jackson burst through the door. "Open your mouth and close your eyes."

Lorelai glanced Jackson up and down. "You're wearing dungarees and tie dye. I mean, you do look kind of swarthy attractive, tall and - "

Jackson hurried over to Sookie, repeated himself, and she complied.

"Oh, a strawberry," Lorelai smiled.

"No - no, a raspberry with a kumquat," Jackson nodded eagerly.

"Hmm… maybe."

"No, hear me out. I did some cross pollination - "

Lorelai cleared her throat.

"Gosh, speaking of. Do you know that Travis Willingham? Now he could fertilise a field with a sneeze."

Sookie and Jackson glared, and Lorelai pulled at her hair. "Am I coming on too strong?"

"As strong as this berry," Sookie held out her palm flat to Lorelai, then turned to Jackson. "What is this - what is this taste - what can it be called… "

Michel entered, and Jackson pointed. "You!"

"Wh-at?"

Lorelai tried more from Jackson's new berries, nodding away as Jackson and Michel had their tiff.

"Yep, yep, interesting," Lorelai nodded, "Oh, you're looking at me? What do?"

"The land-sca-per is louking for you."

"Well, how nice. Did you know, I made a garden so big, that the butler had to pitch in, and the rest of the household tasks went unactioned."

"Lo-re-lai, you must stop play-ing that game."

SCENE 4

Lorelai entered her house, and walked into the kitchen where Rory was on the phone. Lorelai put her hands to her cheeks, swiveled from side to side, and imagined hearts popping up over her eyes.

"Oh, you, er - Backstreet Boys, or whatever it is the kids are romancing these days. Hanson? Hanson, that's still a thing right?"

Rory put down the phone. "I ordered pizza."

"Oh, goodie. You're paying and I'm eating."

Rory went into her room and Lorelai sat down at the table and reached for the bowl of fruit in the center.

"I'm totally having one of these apples or tomatoes." Lorelai bit into it, "If only I could still from this point, tell what it is."

The phone rang and Lorelai picked it up. "The Gilmore residence, Lady of the House speaking."

"Lorelai," began Emily, "What is your work schedule?"

"I do no work, but I am at the inn because of Sookie's great food. Oh. I guess then, you'll need to know the hours I spend eating free food."

"I want to go shopping."

"Bring your black AmEx, cos I've always wondered precisely how much money you have. Also how much Trix has. Also - well, that'll come in later seasons."

"Lorelai, I want to get Rory a birthday present."

"She luuurves Gone with the Wind."

"I've since been reliably informed as to the facts surrounding that," Emily sighed, "I want to get Rory a gift!"

"Well, I can give you loads of ideas, and let's do some shopping etcetera. Is that the right way to say it?"

"Oh, that'll be lovely. And dress appropriately!"

"So no hamper-head or bucket-feet?"

"Good-bye, Lorelai."

"Not if I see you first! Ha-ha!"

SCENE 5

Lorelai and Emily were walking along the shopping aisles of a department store. Emily stopped at a hat.

"Isn't - this - wonderful?"

"Well, somewhat. But I mean, hair is there to be seen. Why dump a hat over it?"

Lorelai walked over to a handbag rack.

"See? This is cute," Lorelai strapped a guitar handbag over her shoulder.

"What? That? For who?"

"For me, of course."

"You mean Rory."

"I can never give a straight answer - yes, for Rory. You know, your grandchild?"

"What will people think?"

"You know, Mom, I've spent too long worrying about that, and getting nothing in return for my troubles but anxiety."

Emily glanced over. "What about pearls?"

"I love pearls, but not with my current outfit. Maybe your outfit - shall we switch? I like those old style changing rooms they had at beaches."

"Well, we have to buy something!"

"Well, look! As Michel says, louk! There's plenty!"

Emily dithered. "Please think of something for Rory."

"Well, I'm shopping for Rory - you're shopping for, like, Mary Crawley. I'm sure she would've been too discerning even for you."

"I don't know how to do this - let's just go."

"Mom, pudding."

"What about pudding?"

"I'd like some."

"Lorelai… "

"Pick something you wouldn't pick out."

Emily picked up a snazzy bracelet.

"This?"

"Yes! Just don't buy one for me. I don't want that. But I do want a pashmina. In assorted colours?"

"Oh! It lights up!"

"Just like my winning smile. Can you check if I have broccoli in my teeth? Mom? Mom… "

SCENE 6

Lorelai entered the diner carrying a drycleaning bag on a hangar, and saw Luke at the counter. He glanced up.

"She's not here yet."

"Well, I've got her papers and her Starbucks and her Pellegrino."

"What?"

"You mean Rory?"

Luke frowned.

"Who else would I mean?"

Lorelai sighed and sat down. "So what do we do? I mean, I could eat."

"Will you marry me?"

Lorelai was taken aback, then smiled widely. "Nope, got nothing. Smile down now. I should think of something but I cannot."

"I'm just looking for something to shut you up."

"That cure would wrest you and others from hearing my voice. Well, I suppose that was the gist of your sentence. That's the gist of it. That's what Shinra says. God, I hated losing to him at Sphere Break."

"You never stop, do you?"

"Choo choo says Thomas and the green one," Lorelai nodded several times, "You look semi somewhat alright in your olive green get up, but cue my glancing around for someone entering, because I must raise my social status by being seen."

Rory entered, and sat at one of the tables. Lorelai bounded over.

"I wish I could say something fun, but your expression indicates it would only go aw-ry."

Rory sighed.

"Mom, don't lecture me. Today has been a tough day… "

Lorelai unzipped the drycleaning bag. "Look! It's a dress I got for free from Mom! Our party dresses are in the car, where you put your feet and where I put today's fast food wrappers. But lis-ten. I went shopping with your grandma - "

"Oh, really? This is going to be long, isn't it, when it could be short?"

"Well, she got you something you'll like. Do I win?"

"Always, Mom. But it's good to see you cheery - cheery after spending time with Grandma."

"I love it when people pay. You know that, Rory. I'm like that stepmother in that Hilary Duff movie."

Luke came over with coffees. "So, Rory, I hear your birthday's coming up."

Lorelai glanced up. "Oh yes. I planned her eighth birthday. I called the cops, because they're hot. And I invited a clown, but only that a hot guy is in the suit. Do I sound obsessed?"

Luke frowned. "You sound crazy… no different than usual."

"And so the cycle can continue."

Lorelai sniffed and looked to Rory.

"So let's wear some tool. At one of the weddings we held at the inn, I got them to hang it on the trees. It was lovely… well that doesn't sound weird, but I enjoyed it. That's my job, Rory. To enjoy life. How am I doing so far? Never answer that, and never ask me that. Good riddance."

SCENE 7

Lorelai was at home, tiptoeing into Rory's bedroom who was asleep in her bed. Lorelai giggled and covered her mouth.

"I'm like a burg-u-lar."

Lorelai leaned into Rory and bent down, and lifted a pot and pan.

"And a one - a two - a one, two, three four!"

Lorelai banged the pot and pan, Rory jumped up with a yell. Lorelai dropped the pot and pan and whispered.

"Oh Rory, you're up, so good to see you. I was gonna add some disco lights and do some dancing and play some Skrillex, but one of those isn't a real word."

Rory clutched her heart, "Mom?"

"No, silly. Anastasia Beaverhausen. "

"What time is it?"

"It's time to d-d-d, you know how it goes." Lorelai sat on the edge of Rory's bed, "Gosh how do you tolerate a single bed? At least Regina asked for an upgrade and got it. You have to speak out, that's the trend now."

Lorelai sighed and fiddled with the comforter.

"So, and all that. How do you find your life so far? Don't you dare tell me it's anything like mine. Any complaints?"

Rory yawned and rubbed her head. "I think it's pretty good… Mom, I might have tinnitus."

"You'd better see Mr Oz about that."

"Do I look older?"

"Not with the light off. What is Denny's? Do you get served at the table? Don't restaurants already do that?"

"Mom… "

"You're a good kid, Rory. I was prostrate pushing you out, and I wanted medication, but they didn't have it in these days. I didn't need much urging to swear like a sailor. It wasn't the most meaningful time in my life - that's reserved for - well, now I can't deliver."

"Oh, boy… "

"Is it just me, or is the ringing in your ears, too?"

SCENE 8

Lorelai and Rory entered Emily and Richard's home. Lorelai glanced around.

"Now this is a home. Can you imagine what I'd do with this much staff?"

Lorelai and Rory walked into the living room, where Emily glanced up.

"There she is - the birthday girl!"

Lorelai took off her coat, and Emily frowned.

"What is that?"

"Well, I wanted to dress in something funky, but actually the tool dress you bought me was quite nice. Also I altered it. Not me, someone who actually knows how to be a seamstress. Rose's mother was going to be a seamstress if she didn't get off the ship."

"Did you change Rory's into a hat?"

"No, Mom, I believe I told you my opinion on hats already."

SCENE 9

The party was in full swing, and Lorelai sat beside Rory to hand her a drink.

"What's this?"

"It's not toilet water."

"Gee, thanks. What's yours?"

"I should say toilet water, but you know, I have my limits. You spend your twenties finding those out, believe me. This chez lon-g-uey is pretty but quite uncomfortable. What are we doing?"

"Um, it's my birthday."

"Right, right."

Emily marched over and dragged Rory up.

"Come, come, there's some people I want you to meet."

Lorelai sat alone. A woman gasped and came over.

"Lorelai?"

"Titsy Matsy Pitsy?"

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, um - "

"Mitsy."

"Gym Leader of Cerulean City?"

"What?"

"You look… well, I like your pearls. I love pearls."

"I haven't seen you since your seventh month!"

"Of existence?"

"Oh, no. Did I say something rude? I'm trying to work on that."

"You and me both, sister."

"Lorelai Gilmore - the scandal girl."

"Well, I could've been the good girl, but there was no incentive when all my parents did was say what will people think?"

"Tell me, what happened with Christopher?"

"Well, I presume at some point he lay on top of me."

"I'm sorry. Is this painful for you to talk about?"

"Well, I had the kid and none of the insight into what he looks like without clothes, so pretty much."

"When did he last call you?"

"Nobody ever calls me back, Mitsy Titsy."

"So, are you married now?"

"I should be able to come up with a fake husband, but perhaps it's telling that I'm unwilling even to lie about that."

"How's your - "

"Rory? She's great. She's a Gilmore."

"She does look like Christopher… "

"Well, I don't really see how she can look like a guy… but then I'm already on edge, and do your pearls come pre-twisted? I'm going to look in the kitchens for free food. So good seeing you, Mits. Don't face any Thunder-types."

SCENE 10

Lorelai was standing with Emily, when Rory walked by. Emily caught Rory.

"Rory, I think it's time you said a few words to your guests."

Lorelai cleared her throat. "Pipkin! Throggit! Nope!"

Rory and Emily stared. Lorelai shrugged.

"Isn't that what the headmaster said?"

Emily turned to Rory.

"Just a little speech to tell your guests how it feels to be one year older."

Lorelai rolled her eyes. "When you're sixteen or whatever age Rory it is, one year older is nothing. Try going from, like, twenty-five up. Thirty-up. Jeez Louise and Graham crackers."

"She's the hostess, Lorelai. This is her responsibility."

Rory turned to Emily.

"I am not the hostess! I don't anything to say to them. You give the speech."

Rory stormed off. Emily turned to Lorelai.

"Your daughter has no manners whatsoever. You should be ashamed of yourself."

Emily walked off. Lorelai raised her voice.

"Well, I'm not!"

SCENE 11

Lorelai entered her old bedroom in Emily and Richard's house. Rory was lying on the bed.

"I'm sorry I snapped at Grandma."

"Oh, don't be," Lorelai smiled and sat on the edge of the bed, "Man, look at this room. It's beautiful! And a lovely doll house, too."

"She invited all those kids from Chilton without asking or telling me."

Lorelai scratched the back of her hand.

"It's not ideal, I know… "

"It really made me mad."

"I'm sorry you feel that way. I'm not very good with sympathy."

"I feel terrible. I've never yelled at her before."

"The temptation is well understood."

"I now know what it feels like to grow up here."

"Trust me, until you're trying to squeeze up the fireplace to escape, and then waiting for the fireman to take you out, you don't know what it's like. But you do gain a fervor for firemen, and being carried, and being covered in ash and soot. Are they the same thing?"

"Do you remember your last birthday here?"

"Oh, yes. I was tied to the dining room chair with a Her-meez scarf and told that manners matter. Or maybe that was in Genovia."

Emily came round the corner and into the room.

"There you are! This isn't my birthday party, you know."

"Well, gee, then they spelled the name of the cake wrong."

"Come down now!"

Emily, Lorelai and Rory came downstairs. The guests were bid farewell. Rory stepped forward.

"Grandma, can I talk to you for a sec?"

"Richard, the girls are leaving."

Lorelai grabbed Emily's arm. "Um, excuse me. Don't be so rude. Rory is trying to say something."

Emily wrenched her arm back. "I've had enough of rude for one evening."

Emily walked off and Richard walked by.

"Well, Rory. I hope you had a good time."

"Yeah, I did."

Richard pulled out an envelope. "Put this towards your trip to Fez… "

Lorelai opened her mouth. "You can't take a trip to a hat, Dad."

Richard dithered, and Emily came in.

"You girls should get going."

"Grandma," began Rory, "I'm having a party, and you should come."

"That's sweet but we have other plans. Good-night."

Lorelai turned to Rory.

"Can you warm up the car since you're driving?"

Lorelai walked into the dining room where Emily was.

"You should come to the party."

"I can't - I'm very busy."

"Mom… "

"I've been humiliated tonight, I have no need to repeat such an experience."

"Those classmates were not her friends! You didn't even consult her."

"How am I to know? That is good manners."

"God, you're annoying."

"No, I'm not. I'm too tired for your accusations."

"I will not have Rory crushed out in my car. I need her to drive home."

"Lorelai, you're being insufferable."

"You have to accept Rory's apology and come to the party. I demand it!"

"You'd like to think you're some huge mystery to me. You're not so mysterious!"

"No, I'm perfectly opaque."

Emily turned to a server. "Put the damn cheese in the damn bags!"

"Oh, I hate conflict. God you're upsetting," Lorelai shook her head, "I want you at that party - or to quote you when we ate appetizers in the future - or else!"

SCENE 13

Lorelai and Rory's house was in full swing to a party with a crowd. Rory sat opening a gift which was an iBook or Mac or something.

"No!" Rory cried.

"I know," said Lorelai, "It's mine!"

Lorelai shook it and held her ear to it. "I wonder what's inside… "

Rory rolled her eyes and took the box back. Sookie walked forward with a cake with Rory's face.

"Happy birthday to you… "

Lorelai, primping herself, jolted a little when she saw all the stares to Rory. "Oh, yes, Ro-ry… "

Rory blew out the candles and everyone cheered. Lorelai stood up.

"This is very serious… who is the father? I'm pregnant!"

The room went dead silent. Lorelai laughed.

"Just kidding. I barely show, can you believe it, as that stepmother from the Hilary Duff movie said when she starred in that other show about six friends, I've never had any professional dance training before! Also, I can't wait for my lying-in, all I have to do is sleep and eat!"

Lorelai clapped.

"So, I would like to propose a toast. Why toast and not bread? I love Rory. She is my favourite daughter. We call her Tookie. I would like you not to eat this cake, as it is mine."

The doorbell rang. Lorelai raised her voice.

"What do you want - come in, damnit?"

Emily and Richard walked in. Lorelai stared.

"Well, Miss Manners says… oh, you know. The usual crap."

Rory stood up.

"Everyone, these are my grandparents."

Lorelai turned to Emily. "Do you need a drink? Cos I don't serve toilet water anymore. Bada-bing."

Emily frowned. "What?"

"Ka-pow! You know. Shazam? Was he a real superhero? Why was he blowing gum?"

"Stoli on the rocks with a twist."

"No clue what that is but I'll make what I like."

Lorelai came into the kitchen where Sookie was.

"My grandparents are here, yahoo. What's Stoli?"

Emily walked in. "Who is your caterer?"

"This is a Sookie," Lorelai pointed, "She prepares my food specially."

Emily turned to Sookie. "I discovered you. You are very talented."

"Mom," Lorelai spoke up, "Sookie is my chef. For me."

Sookie glanced around. "Oh, no. We're out of ice."

"Ask Iceman? Ask that diamond girl played by that woman from the show in the sixties? No? Who else has ice? And then Ron Weezles says, you're a witch. And I don't have a wand."

Lorelai went to the front door and Luke came in with ice. Lorelai hugged him.

"Oh, oh, that's cold. Why did you put the ice between you and me? I'm trying to crack the ice, ha-ha!"

Emily appeared round the corner.

"Oh, this is my mother. She is quite disdainful and difficult."

Lorelai went and sat on the couch, listening to Babette and Mory.

"Uh huh," Lorelai nodded, "I'm listening, but could not recite what you just said, as to me, it is uninteresting. Also, Rory cannot do ballet."

Lorelai gasped. "Oh my god. Mom went upstairs. I need to close my top drawer."

Lorelai raced upstairs, tripped, entered her bedroom. Emily was folding a blanket. Lorelai snatched it.

"Don't touch that. It hasn't been washed. You know… "

Emily flexed her fingers. "How long have you been seeing Luke?"

"Seeing, or stalking?"

"He seems to like you."

"Nobody likes me, Mom. They're just curious until I do some weird word or jibber-jabber."

"You're smiling. You like the man with the ice."

"Well I'm awfully curious to know his rhythm."

"For dancing?"

"Sure."

Emily turned and picked up a photograph. "You broke your leg?"

"Well, can you blame me… I tried to jump out the window."

"What?"

"Motherhood is hard, OK?"

Emily put the picture frame down and glanced around. "You should get a maid in here, it's very dirty."

"You pay for it. I don't have that money, Mother."

Emily dithered. Lorelai moved to the top drawer, closed it, and cleared her throat.

"It meant a lot that you came here, Mom."

Lorelai and Emily went downstairs and out onto the porch. Lorelai opened her mouth, but Emily spoke first.

"Thank you, Lorelai. We had a lovely time."

"Well, I do plan my parties well. As Lorelai. My parties are boring."

Lorelai went inside and helped Sookie clean up.

"Next time, we are going to a waterslide park, as that is what I want to do."

Lorelai saw Rory and Dean through the kitchen window.

"Oh, young love," Lorelai sighed, "I don't really like Dean. But it's important that I like him, for Rory's sake. I don't have to date Dean. Dean the Bean. Beanstalk… Hmm… I'm sure, for a moment, or for a long series of paragraphs, I've become less looney. Less Looney Tunes. Is there such a thing… "

Lorelai glanced down at the faucets spewing cold water.

"I can't feel anything - except that it is cold. What a peculiar sensation. Perhaps I'm getting normal… or perhaps, I am voicing my complaints with ever a louder exclamation than before, and things really were never as bad as they seemed, with some perspective."